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Light Gun Man
Oct 17, 2009

toEjaM iS oN
vaCatioN






Lipstick Apathy

John Murdoch posted:

Yeah. I mean, it's a bit of a catch 22 where I'm not exactly thrilled to throw down the money for a phone that I don't strictly need in the short term...but I realize in the long term I also can't claw my way towards more independence unless I get one. It's a subject that's come up before, if only because we've had a lot of issues with our internet going out (which also takes out our phone line) or storms knocking out our power for obscenely long amounts of time, so at the bare minimum having another device handy in emergencies beyond my dad's iphone isn't a bad thing.

there are probably cheaper options but i've been buying a tracfone every year or two for about 125~ bucks for phone+service and that's been working out pretty well thus far. a friend of mine is similarly trapped in a lovely abusive family situation and we just got him one to hopefully help remove barriers to him getting the gently caress out as well, hard to get ID or whatnot without one these days.

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Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Ghost Leviathan posted:

You did the right thing to cut her off. Let her die.


Tokyo Sexwale posted:

leave her in the misery she's created for herself op, and never look back

ohnobugs posted:

Your mom's not a real mother. Good riddance. Not everyone you're related to is family.

Axqu posted:

j e s u s . What a cruel human being. I'm so sorry. Good on you for taking the steps not to expose yourself to her fuckery any more, but good god that has to hurt. I have no idea how much this means, but based on how you present yourself here, you've always come across as a good dude. My uneducated opinion: she's projecting her self-hatred onto you. Her reaction is about her being broken, not an indictment of your character, as much as she seems to want it to be.


Thank you guys so much for this, it means a hell of a lot. Quoting so I can also come back and read these when I'm second-guessing going no-contact. This is the first Saturday in years I haven't had a yelling terrifying phone call, and I am watching the girlfriend play Witcher 3 and drinking coffee together instead of questioning whether I have the right to exist.

Lieutenant Dan fucked around with this message at 19:06 on Mar 27, 2021

Ghost Leviathan
Mar 2, 2017
Probation
Can't post for 28 hours!


John Murdoch posted:

Yeah. I mean, it's a bit of a catch 22 where I'm not exactly thrilled to throw down the money for a phone that I don't strictly need in the short term...but I realize in the long term I also can't claw my way towards more independence unless I get one. It's a subject that's come up before, if only because we've had a lot of issues with our internet going out (which also takes out our phone line) or storms knocking out our power for obscenely long amounts of time, so at the bare minimum having another device handy in emergencies beyond my dad's iphone isn't a bad thing.

You have every reason to get your own phone, whether a burner or a smart device. It really sounds like your mother has basically raised you as a punching bag. It's time to be a human being.

RoboRodent
Sep 19, 2012



I mostly lurk here because the awful people in my family are extended, not immediate, but let it be said that I have learned that my crazy aunt is deep into COVID conspiracies and is going after her siblings who have been vaccinated.

My dad is a former Sensitive Eighties Dude, but he's still boomer enough that he sometimes holds his cards pretty close to his chest. I think he's upset, though, especially on behalf of his other sister, who's taking it hard.

I didn't expect my dad to know about how the vaccine is a conspiracy orchestrated by Bill Gates.

Dongsturm
Feb 17, 2012


John Murdoch posted:



No income, no license, and pretty much no local contacts (just a younger cousin who literally just got engaged and we're not particularly close so it'd be super weird to intrude on her life). gently caress I don't even have my own cellphone. I'm somewhat near a university, but probably not conveniently close enough. :/



You're in a tough spot, but you do have a few things going for you. Free food and rent is huge advantage for you, and you (probably) have lots of free time. You know that you want a different life and you're starting to work on it.

Ask your Dad for a cell phone. Convince him, maybe like "Dad, it's really time I had a job, and I need a phone to get that. Can you put me on your plan?". The cell phone is vital. Nobody is going to hire you if you say "call my Mom and she'll pass on your messages". And you need to be able to respond to texts and emails to have a social life.

Then head out and see what's in your area. Not just job hunting, go to places and be social. Join a sports club, or a games club, anything that is happening. Do meetups. Are meetups still a thing? You might be able to make some friends and everything goes better when you have a few friends to help.

Going to university or college or something is a great opportunity, if you can. Anything that gets you meeting people. Put yourself out there, and you might be surprised how far you can get.

And a warning: I know I don't know much about your situation, but I'll bet money your mother will try to sabotage your achievments. Especially be careful if you get a cell phone, she'll "confiscate" it, or accidentally drop it or something. Don't let go of it. Tuck it into your underpants at night, because it will disappear it you leave it next to your bed. Not even joking on this one.

Picnic Princess
Feb 9, 2008

I was under direct orders not to die




And this might be thinking too far ahead, but if you do get to the point you can move out, do not -I repeat- do NOT tell any one where you live. Not your dad, not your brother, not your extended family, not any family friends. She absolutely will try to get that information out of anyone who knows by any means necessary. That will be a boundary you need to set even if it hurts other peoples' feelings. If they refuse to accept your boundaries, tell them to go gently caress themselves.

ohnobugs
Feb 22, 2003




Light Gun Man posted:

there are probably cheaper options but i've been buying a tracfone every year or two for about 125~ bucks for phone+service and that's been working out pretty well thus far. a friend of mine is similarly trapped in a lovely abusive family situation and we just got him one to hopefully help remove barriers to him getting the gently caress out as well, hard to get ID or whatnot without one these days.

Seconding Tracfone if you're in the US. You can get a starter one cheap on HSN, (a site that people should normally avoid like the plague) but if you don't care about having the best phone ever you can get an entry level smartphone and a year of service for $80.

https://www.hsn.com/shop/cell-phones-and-accessories/ec0542-10962?sort=&skip=0&take=60&page=1&view=all

Don't ask to be put on dad's plan, or it'll be on his (really mom's) terms.

Tendales
Mar 9, 2012


John Murdoch posted:

Yeah. I mean, it's a bit of a catch 22 where I'm not exactly thrilled to throw down the money for a phone that I don't strictly need in the short term...but I realize in the long term I also can't claw my way towards more independence unless I get one. It's a subject that's come up before, if only because we've had a lot of issues with our internet going out (which also takes out our phone line) or storms knocking out our power for obscenely long amounts of time, so at the bare minimum having another device handy in emergencies beyond my dad's iphone isn't a bad thing.


A prepaid cell-phone from walmart or Kroger or wherever is extremely cheap, and you can pay for it and phone service in cash, so your parents have absolutely no control over it. They don't even have to know you have it.

BrigadierSensible
Feb 16, 2012

I don't mind taking charity,
From those that I despise

If I can add another fun thing about "learned helplessness", it is that it is very easy to backslide. Especially into the shame-loop.

I have lived and worked by myself in overseas in countries where I have sometimes barely spoken the local language, (my Korean is OK, but my Chinese is excrable and barely existant), for most of the last 10 years. So I like to think I do have basic 'adulting' skills. Due to the wonders of COVID I am back living in my parents spare bedroom until the world re-opens and I can once again get away. And I am having to fight tooth and nail to not become the helpless baby boy I once was/they will always see me as/they want me to be.

I am literally not allowed to cook any of my own meals, unless it's making a sandwich. I have to wait for dad to decide it's dinner time and have him call me to the table. I not supposed to do my own laundry, dad arbitrarily decides to come in and collect all the clothes from the basket, (even if I just put a load on the day before). If I leave the house, I have to tell them when/where/how long I'll be gone etc., and whilst not a fight, I have to be forcefull for them to even let me walk down the street to the bus stop into town.

These are all small petty things that I feel bad whinging about, but the point is that if I don't keep fighting against them, I can easily see myself sliding back into the manchild I once was. I already find myself feeling the shame of uselessness/helplessness having my dinner served to me on a plate by my mum as I sit in front of the TV etc. And I don't think that's uncommon with parents who want to keep their kids beholden and dependent on them.

So to the guy whose mum is waking him up etc. I say keep fighting. The sleep stuff and the "I'm just checking on you" are only parts of her trying to make you entirely dependent on her, and beholden to her wishes/whims. I wish I had more practical advice to offer. But you CAN do it, and you do DESERVE a life of your own.

HelloIAmYourHeart
Dec 29, 2008

Send us signals in the glow
of night windows



Fallen Rib

Better to become independent of your overbearing parents while you can than before they start depending on you as they age (and eventually pass and you have to become independent anyway).

trickybiscuits
Jan 13, 2008

yospos


Tendales posted:

A prepaid cell-phone from walmart or Kroger or wherever is extremely cheap, and you can pay for it and phone service in cash, so your parents have absolutely no control over it. They don't even have to know you have it.
I used a cheap pay-as-you-go phone for years and it worked fine as I changed jobs and apartments. You don't need anything fancy.

Big hugs, John Murdoch. I can write a lot about being in a place where you feel trapped and like no matter what you do things don't get better. But it does.

The Breakfast Sampler
Jan 1, 2006




HelloIAmYourHeart posted:

Better to become independent of your overbearing parents while you can than before they start depending on you as they age (and eventually pass and you have to become independent anyway).

Absolutely. I've always been the scapegoat in my family dynamic and I was just watching in horror while this happened to my golden-child brother. My mother's pushing 70, he's about to be 38 and they still go to the grocery store together every Saturday, have dinner most nights, and she bought him a house (leverage.) The whole interplay is just Norman Bates level creepy. I got the gently caress out when I was around 19 and it was really hard but I wouldn't trade the ease for the freedom.

He's never been in a relationship and hasn't been out of the state except for doctor's appointments in 30 years. Just really, really sad to me. I tried to explain some of this to him and they both cut me out of everything (a long process, I assure you.) I offered to go to counseling with them to at least talk some of this out, but they're hardcore fundies so you just have to ask Jesus (to justify whatever you wanted to do anyway, blamelessly.)

But my point, I don't think he'll ever break out of this until she's dead, and I have no idea what will happen to him when she's gone, because he's never had to do anything by himself.

The Breakfast Sampler fucked around with this message at 04:42 on Mar 28, 2021

John Murdoch
May 19, 2009

I have special eyes.

Just think of all the cool stuff I can see.


Dongsturm posted:

Free food and rent is huge advantage for you

Hah hah hah. Yeah, no. My dad lost his job a couple years back and isn't quite retirement age yet, so he demanded I pay rent from my savings account to help cover expenses until he can start getting benefits. Food is included in that, which means I'm probably getting a pretty good deal all things considered, but it's not free to live here.

Re: phone, yeah it's not necessarily a huge hassle or a huge expenditure. It's more just a matter of when and not if or how. My mom actually has a cheap yet fairly nice seeming tracfone herself; that's probably the type I'll end up with.

ben shapino
Nov 22, 2020
ASK ME ABOUT HOW INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS ARE ACTUALLY MASTER/SLAVE RELATIONSHIPS


just gonna drop my stone cold stunner suggestion in here again incase you missed it

nishi koichi
Feb 16, 2007

everyone feels that way and gives up.
that's how they get away with it.


i had to pay to be abused too. if possible, save as much as you can in an account they don’t know about, even a few dollars at a time is still something. life is loving weird and crazy poo poo happens, you never know if some friend/friend of a friend will be able to take you in and all you need is the cost of a bus ticket for a while until you can get back on your feet

your mother sounds remarkably similar to mine, and christ i hope you can escape that trainwreck

edit: yeah the stunner/punching/etc is tempting but try not to give them ammo to guilt trip you or even call the cops on you. i fought back when i was being beaten a few times as a kid, punched her once as an adult, and later that night, i tried to kill myself from the guilt. just try to lay low, do all the things mentioned upthread while you plan your escape, and book it. like, i pre-packed all my stuff and told her i was leaving only while i was hauling my stuff out

nishi koichi fucked around with this message at 09:42 on Mar 28, 2021

ghost emoji
Mar 11, 2016

oooOooOOOooh


You may want to look into a PO Box as well. It can be really helpful when you're secretly job hunting or apartment shopping, especially if you're worried they might go through your mail.

John Murdoch
May 19, 2009

I have special eyes.

Just think of all the cool stuff I can see.


nishi koichi posted:

edit: yeah the stunner/punching/etc is tempting but try not to give them ammo to guilt trip you or even call the cops on you. i fought back when i was being beaten a few times as a kid, punched her once as an adult, and later that night, i tried to kill myself from the guilt.

Yeah I've been politely ignoring those posts because I'm not about to assault a disabled old woman in some malformed attempt to either make myself feel better (I won't) or "convince" her to stop acting like shithead (probably won't work either). Same with all the "wake her up in the middle of the night for once and then take a dump in her bed, that'll show her!" ones. I'm not interested in lowering myself to her level and reciprocating the abuse. I don't want to wallow in that negativity, even if she deserves a kick in the rear end or twelve.

nishi koichi
Feb 16, 2007

everyone feels that way and gives up.
that's how they get away with it.


yeah. lay low, keep planning, start with the small things, whatever you can do the easiest. it builds like a snowball, especially when you constantly see how terrible these people are and write them off. it strengthens your resolve. then when you leave, you can smack them in the face (metaphorically).

when i was in that situation, it helped me to think of it as prep for a heist, in which i was stealing my self back. god drat was it sweet to say “i’m leaving” and see her expression. she was so desperate, calling everyone she could think of to convince me to stay.

you’ll have all the cards, they’ll have none, and they can go to hell.

nishi koichi fucked around with this message at 10:54 on Mar 28, 2021

Dongsturm
Feb 17, 2012


John Murdoch posted:

Hah hah hah. Yeah, no. My dad lost his job a couple years back and isn't quite retirement age yet, so he demanded I pay rent from my savings account to help cover expenses until he can start getting benefits. Food is included in that, which means I'm probably getting a pretty good deal all things considered, but it's not free to live here.

Re: phone, yeah it's not necessarily a huge hassle or a huge expenditure. It's more just a matter of when and not if or how. My mom actually has a cheap yet fairly nice seeming tracfone herself; that's probably the type I'll end up with.

OK, this completes the picture. They're keeping you captive while you pay for their lifestyle. I assumed you were actually getting a benefit from living there.

Stop paying rent. Say "I'm too tired to pay rent, I'll pay it after I get a good night's sleep". Also note that since you are paying rent, they can't kick you out, they have to go through eviction proceedings. Which they won't because they won't get any more money after that.

Seriously, you are paying someone to torture you. Stop paying until the torture stops.

AKZ
Nov 4, 2009


Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


nishi koichi posted:

yeah. lay low, keep planning, start with the small things, whatever you can do the easiest. it builds like a snowball, especially when you constantly see how terrible these people are and write them off. it strengthens your resolve. then when you leave, you can smack them in the face (metaphorically).

when i was in that situation, it helped me to think of it as prep for a heist, in which i was stealing my self back. god drat was it sweet to say “i’m leaving” and see her expression. she was so desperate, calling everyone she could think of to convince me to stay.

you’ll have all the cards, they’ll have none, and they can go to hell.

This is good advice, especially "don't tell them you're leaving until you are out the door". The heist thing is neat too, I felt similarly when I was trying to escape my own lovely situation

John Murdoch
May 19, 2009

I have special eyes.

Just think of all the cool stuff I can see.


Dongsturm posted:

OK, this completes the picture. They're keeping you captive while you pay for their lifestyle. I assumed you were actually getting a benefit from living there.

Stop paying rent. Say "I'm too tired to pay rent, I'll pay it after I get a good night's sleep". Also note that since you are paying rent, they can't kick you out, they have to go through eviction proceedings. Which they won't because they won't get any more money after that.

Seriously, you are paying someone to torture you. Stop paying until the torture stops.

I don't think it's quite that black and white. Bare minimum, I would like to clarify that my mother has zero access or control of any kind over the finances. This whole arrangement is purely between me and my father. And he's giving me a sweetheart deal where I'm paying a hell of a lot less than I would have to anywhere else, considering everything that's included. Otherwise I can't really say what kind of margin we're living on or how he's operating things. I don't think I'm being taken advantage of.

I do see your point, though. I wouldn't keep paying for an apartment where twice a month the landlord just let themselves in in the middle of the night so they could watch me sleep, then proceeded to take a dump on the floor, and finally swung by the fridge to steal a beer on their way out. I will keep that in mind and use that argument

Fake edit: I spent a lot of time writing and re-writing this post. I stepped away after writing that last bit in particular to go have lunch and mull things over and during that period I no loving joke discovered that my mom had in fact managed to poo poo on the floor of the bathroom. This is also something that's happened more than once. 🙃

HelloIAmYourHeart
Dec 29, 2008

Send us signals in the glow
of night windows



Fallen Rib

PLEASE tell me you're not expected to clean up your mother's poop. PLEASE.

Arsenic Lupin
Apr 11, 2012

This particularly rapid unintelligible patter isn't generally heard, and if it is, it doesn't matter.





John Murdoch posted:

And he's giving me a sweetheart deal where I'm paying a hell of a lot less than I would have to anywhere else, considering everything that's included.
Who told you that? Was it him?

ohnobugs
Feb 22, 2003




I mean yes it's likely high considering what he's getting but imagine suddenly having to come up with a few more hundred dollars for rent.

JM, it sounds more and more like your mother is at the beginning stages of some sort of dementia.

Dongsturm
Feb 17, 2012


John Murdoch posted:

I don't think it's quite that black and white. Bare minimum, I would like to clarify that my mother has zero access or control of any kind over the finances. This whole arrangement is purely between me and my father. And he's giving me a sweetheart deal where I'm paying a hell of a lot less than I would have to anywhere else, considering everything that's included. Otherwise I can't really say what kind of margin we're living on or how he's operating things. I don't think I'm being taken advantage of.

I do see your point, though. I wouldn't keep paying for an apartment where twice a month the landlord just let themselves in in the middle of the night so they could watch me sleep, then proceeded to take a dump on the floor, and finally swung by the fridge to steal a beer on their way out. I will keep that in mind and use that argument

Fake edit: I spent a lot of time writing and re-writing this post. I stepped away after writing that last bit in particular to go have lunch and mull things over and during that period I no loving joke discovered that my mom had in fact managed to poo poo on the floor of the bathroom. This is also something that's happened more than once. 🙃



I admire the way you rationed out the details over the last few pages. If you had put everything in one post I think the reactions would have been a bit different.

BlueBlazer
Apr 1, 2010


ghost emoji posted:

You may want to look into a PO Box as well. It can be really helpful when you're secretly job hunting or apartment shopping, especially if you're worried they might go through your mail.

Pro adult tip anyway. A UPS box or local mailbox store can be smudged into a residence under the right conditions.

Worth 15$ a month.

Modern humans move. When you can't afford a house.

trickybiscuits
Jan 13, 2008

yospos


Okay, from this update two things are clear.

First, your mother is not capable of functioning on her own and your father won't or (more likely) can't take proper care of her. You might look into Adult Protective Services or its local equivalent. APS might be able to provide caretaker services and other support to make everyone's life easier.

The second thing is that paying to live with your parents makes you a tenant with enforceable legal rights. Find a tenants rights book or website for your area and try to find a group that gives legal advice and representation. Paying money also means that you have a lot more leverage than you realize. The way you write suggests that you're suffering a lot from learned helplessness- you've spent so long unable to change the situation for the better that you can't see any way to improve it or get out of it. But you do have power here and you can start learning to exercise it.

You should do one thing as soon as possible: put a sturdy lock or latch or something on your bedroom door. It doesn't need to be attached to the doorknob, just something that you can lock while you're in the room so you can have space of your own. Don't wait for your dad to do this for you. Getting it done is important, and you doing something for yourself is important too.

John Murdoch
May 19, 2009

I have special eyes.

Just think of all the cool stuff I can see.


Arsenic Lupin posted:

Who told you that? Was it him?

No, it's just common sense. $200 a month is probably not even actually covering the full cost of food by itself (considering we eat out all the time because lol if you think anyone cooks in this house either), then there's utilities, the cost of driving me places as needed/driving to grab stuff for me, whatever random costs my dad decides to pay for me vs. not (and yes I realize this is very much not an ideal system), and of course all of the chores they never taught me to do so still do themselves....

Dongsturm posted:



I admire the way you rationed out the details over the last few pages. If you had put everything in one post I think the reactions would have been a bit different.

Between my untreated ADHD, my subsequent bad memory and current sleep wonkiness (that I have to stress is not being caused by her), and the fact that airing a lot of this stuff, while cathartic to some degree, is still fairly stressful I've not had the composure to sit down and just scrawl out a huge multi-page screed. There's a LOT to talk about. I've also been trying (and mostly failing) to thread the needle because I neither want to understate things nor overstate them which takes some additional effort.

For instance, I realize I made it sound like my mom tried to take a dump and completely missed the toilet. There wasn't a big steaming pile of poo poo on the floor, I think even my dad would not brush that off. My best guess as to what happens (aided by ~forensic evidence~, see below) is that she does her business, then immediately stands up and faces perpendicular to the toilet so she can brace herself against the wall while she wipes herself. And so 1 in 20 times she manages to drop a dingleberry on the floor. (1 in 3 times she manages to leave a single drop of urine in exactly the same spot on the toilet seat with staggering precision.)

To me the bigger problem is that she has zero sense of her immediate surroundings at the best of times, so inevitably I have to be the one to notice it and alert somebody. And yes, this means that in the past she has managed to step in it herself and track it around the house. A compounding factor is that she likes to lurch out of bed in the dead of night to take her shits and refuses to 1) put her glasses on and 2) turn any lights on. At best, she leaves the door wide open to provide light. While she's taking a poo poo. And yes, should I happen to cross the hall or god forbid try and blunder into the bathroom because for some strange reason I've assumed it's unoccupied she tsks and harumphs and throws the door closed because everyone else is such an inconvenience to her. And obviously changing her behavior in any way, even just double-checking the floor before leaving the bathroom, is completely out of the question. In the past she would also regularly leave little bits of used TP on the floor, the kind you get when there's too much friction and it flakes off in little rolls? Those. (And good god no, I don't have to clean it up. She gets sternly told by my dad, or myself in the past when I was still willing to talk to her, and she cleans it herself. She usually does an acceptable job of it. Usually.)

On a lighter but still frustrating note, her current vice is word find books. She does them using your standard cheap Bic ballpoint pens. Well one week in particular she managed to smudge ink literally everywhere she haunts (like the bathroom wall where I'm assuming she braces herself). She even managed to give herself a black eye by rubbing her face with zero realization that she had ink all over her fingers. When this was all pointed out she insisted "these pens leak!!!" which....is not an absolute impossibility but more realistically she's using cheap ballpoints on cheap pulp paper and building up globs of ink either on the page or the pen tip and then just fumbling around and getting it all over her hands. (Also while I'm on the subject, another thing that gets under my skin is that nobody else in this house understands that the point of a cap on a pen is to not get ink everywhere? And also help keep the tip from drying out? So that probably doesn't help either.)

nishi koichi
Feb 16, 2007

everyone feels that way and gives up.
that's how they get away with it.


oof possible dementia presents its own problems for sure. especially when there may or may not be a personality disorder with it too. pretty sure my mother was starting to go a little before i left, too. weird memory issues, became nastier in different ways

nishi koichi fucked around with this message at 12:08 on Mar 29, 2021

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Murdoch, you mentioned earlier that your possible chances at couch-surfing would be tricky, is it that they're too far away or you're not sure if they would be cool with it (or both)?

stealth edit: gonna agree here, your mom's behaviour is way beyond just "lovely", it sounds like there might be something bigger going on

Lieutenant Dan fucked around with this message at 13:20 on Mar 29, 2021

BB2K
Oct 9, 2012


Bro nothing your mum is doing is normal for a grown adult. It's barely normal for a 5 year old.

John Murdoch
May 19, 2009

I have special eyes.

Just think of all the cool stuff I can see.


Lieutenant Dan posted:

Murdoch, you mentioned earlier that your possible chances at couch-surfing would be tricky, is it that they're too far away or you're not sure if they would be cool with it (or both)?

The former. We're talking halfway across the country.

Ghost Leviathan
Mar 2, 2017
Probation
Can't post for 28 hours!


John Murdoch posted:

The former. We're talking halfway across the country.

Given your family, sounds like the distance might be a plus. I suppose the issue may be taking any belongings with you.

John Murdoch
May 19, 2009

I have special eyes.

Just think of all the cool stuff I can see.


Ghost Leviathan posted:

Given your family, sounds like the distance might be a plus. I suppose the issue may be taking any belongings with you.

I mean, it was already a trip I was considering taking for a vacation (and, y'know, to actually be around people who give a poo poo about me). But oops, Covid.

Belongings...yes and no. On the one hand, I currently live very light and all of my bare necessities would fit in a backpack and/or some luggage easy. On the other hand, my PC... I would also be worried about lot of my other poo poo mysteriously going missing without me around to vouch for it, but I realize the overwhelming majority of it is not mission critical.

I also have a persistent medical issue that requires regular check-ups and a prescription to keep in check, so that'd be another obstacle to deal with.

Uncle Enzo
Apr 28, 2008

I always wanted to be a Wizard

John Murdoch posted:

The former. We're talking halfway across the country.

John Murdoch, you're being abused. You have 2 real options:
1: Plot a successful escape and live a better life elsewhere, free of abuse. There is some (moderate, manageable) risk involved in this.
2: Stay put and be abused. This isn't a "devil you know" situation, you don't have any assurance your treatment won't get worse as your mother's [whatever] progresses.

For that matter, people in your situation are sometimes forced out with no notice because their presence becomes too inconvenient.

I fear you may be missing out on more than you realize by not having a phone. I would identify that as your highest payoff, lowest cost and lowest risk avenue to start. You mention not having an extensive friend network, which I'm unfortunately not surprised because how could they even talk to you? Get a smartphone if you possibly can (you're socially expected to have one) and put a passcode and/or fingerprint unlock. Your mother is 100% going to try and snoop. Never leave it unlocked and never let it out of your direct physical control.

If I became homeless, my phone (or at least A phone) would be the last thing I gave up. I would go barefoot before I relinquished a phone. (I realize it doesn't work like that in real life, I'm just saying). With a phone people can reach you, you can apply to jobs, you can call for help, you can fill out forms, you can apply to schools, you can date. You can establish, build and maintain social relationships with a phone. A phone gives you a permanent digital presence that is in many ways more important than a fixed living address. People live in vans driving all over creation with little difficulty because they can be easily reached via phone, text or email same as anyone else.

Do you have $100? If so, go get a phone asap. Make sure you have it set up to check your email(s).

Once you have a phone your life will improve. It will make everything else you have to do easier and in some cases possible at all.

Uncle Enzo
Apr 28, 2008

I always wanted to be a Wizard

And in case this wasn't clear, do not go on your parents plan. Your phone must absolutely be under your sole control. Your mother is denying you basic privacy now, she will continue to do so via other means if you let her. A phone they control is a bargaining chip for them, not a tool for you.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


I'd like to add that for prescriptions and meds, a mail-in service plus goodrx makes for a very decent plan. Have the meds delivered to your future address and transfer it over on the refill right before you leave. If it's easier to get meds from a pharmacy, phone in and get the prescription transferred to a pharmacy that's easily accessible based on your destination (like the CVS inside a major transit hub that's open 24/7 or something). You can also have your doctor recommend a specialist for your checkups in your destination town/city, or ask if you can do telehealth for now until you get settled in (if that's possible).

Dirt Road Junglist
Oct 8, 2010

There's a ghost in me
Who wants to say I'm sorry
Doesn't mean I'm sorry






Having dealt with someone with dementia for a number of years, and later having dated someone with severe after effects from a lengthy coma and several traumatic brain injuries, JM, your mother sounds like she has some flavor of dementia. I know I'm not saying anything that's gone unsaid, but I do hope you can get somewhere that isn't a constant source of stress. (Yes, you said it's not every night etc, but I've also lived in places far past the point where I should have left because, geez, I dunno, it's not that bad...but I have a feeling, once you've been elsewhere, and your stress levels can ratchet down, you'll look back and wonder how you tolerated so much. I do.)

Seconding Lieutenant Dan on the prescriptions advice. I'm not a big fan of chain stores generally, but if I keep my refills at Walgreens, it means I can get emergency refills at any Walgreens anywhere with a couple of phone calls. I mean, a lot depends on the scheduling of your meds and how amenable your doctor is to emergency phone calls about them, but it's a huge load off my mind knowing I can get my thyroid pills on the road if I lose my luggage.

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crowtribe
Apr 2, 2013

I'm noice, therefore I am.


Grimey Drawer

Just some ammo for the thread.

My estranged mother showed up on the doorstep of my secure apartment complex, 3,000km away from her home, 2 states over (Australia). I never told her I had moved 4-5 years earlier, nor ever given my home address out to anyone bar online sales for delivery.

After somehow getting into the apartment complex (either by following someone else in, or convincing someone else to buzz her in), she sat at my front door knocking non-stop and calling my name. I relented long enough to tell her I'd called the cops but if she wanted to continue to annoy me I'd be back with a bucket of water to dump over her.

Eventually she left, cops arrived about an hour later, no sign of her around the building or neighbourhood.

Turns out she stole my Godzilla x garden gnome statue though, too. I've since moved (twice!) and been converted to a silent elector to remove my details from the publicly available electoral rolls.



She occasionally shows up at my sister and her husband's house as they're still in the same city. My sister is hoping to move house this year and not have to worry about it.

She sends emails to my sister's email address that we specified she should only ever use if there was some business that needed to be conducted. So far she's faked a cancer scare, tried to use us to hide money from a failed second marriage and divorce, and other shenanigans.

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