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Picnic Princess
Feb 9, 2008

I was under direct orders not to die




When bad stuff happens to me, I get lectured from my mom about what a monster I am that I don't drop everything to console her. That time I almost died, yeah, how could I do that to her, I should have not gotten into that accident because it upset her so much. When I was diagnosed with a terrible illness? Do I have any idea how hard that is on her? Especially announcing it to everyone in my life the same way, that means I don't have any more respect for her than my friends.

Which lol, no, you don't have get a higher level of respect than my friends. You get less than them. Because you're a selfish rear end in a top hat and treat me like poo poo.

And it pisses me off because I spent so much of my life being hated by the person who's supposed to love me most, I struggle with relationships to this day. I get stuck in these headspaces where I am convinced all my friends actually despise me but keep me around for reasons such as "convenience friend" or "too polite to tell me I'm annoying". I had a complete mental breakdown at work one day over it, just sat on the floor behind my till and cried for an hour.

I also recently discovered the concept of selective mutism. I'd kind of heard about it in other discussions, but over the weekend my husband and I fought over something, and whenever he asked a question, I tried to speak but loving couldn't. I get completely paralyzed when people are angry at me specifically, doesn't even matter who's right and who's wrong. And I came to realize I was always this way. When I was a kid, it also happened when I was expected to say someone's name. My mom would tell me to go to her friend, and use my manners by saying "Excuse me, Lori, can I please have some ice cream?" and I'd walk over and freeze on the spot and stare at the floor stuttering random syllables. Then I'd get either yelled at or laughed at for "being ridiculous". But if I was allowed to just ask "Can I please have some ice cream?" I could do it no problem. I'm mostly over that now, but when I need to call someone's name, it takes a few seconds of drumming up courage to do it.

The literature right now states that it doesn't seem to be caused by trauma or neurodivergence, but it would not surprise me at all if it was made worse by those factors.

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Clitch
Feb 26, 2002

I lived through
Donald Trump's presidency
and all I got was
this lousy virus


Picnic Princess posted:

When bad stuff happens to me, I get lectured from my mom about what a monster I am that I don't drop everything to console her. That time I almost died, yeah, how could I do that to her, I should have not gotten into that accident because it upset her so much. When I was diagnosed with a terrible illness? Do I have any idea how hard that is on her? Especially announcing it to everyone in my life the same way, that means I don't have any more respect for her than my friends.

Which lol, no, you don't have get a higher level of respect than my friends. You get less than them. Because you're a selfish rear end in a top hat and treat me like poo poo.

And it pisses me off because I spent so much of my life being hated by the person who's supposed to love me most, I struggle with relationships to this day. I get stuck in these headspaces where I am convinced all my friends actually despise me but keep me around for reasons such as "convenience friend" or "too polite to tell me I'm annoying". I had a complete mental breakdown at work one day over it, just sat on the floor behind my till and cried for an hour.

I also recently discovered the concept of selective mutism. I'd kind of heard about it in other discussions, but over the weekend my husband and I fought over something, and whenever he asked a question, I tried to speak but loving couldn't. I get completely paralyzed when people are angry at me specifically, doesn't even matter who's right and who's wrong. And I came to realize I was always this way. When I was a kid, it also happened when I was expected to say someone's name. My mom would tell me to go to her friend, and use my manners by saying "Excuse me, Lori, can I please have some ice cream?" and I'd walk over and freeze on the spot and stare at the floor stuttering random syllables. Then I'd get either yelled at or laughed at for "being ridiculous". But if I was allowed to just ask "Can I please have some ice cream?" I could do it no problem. I'm mostly over that now, but when I need to call someone's name, it takes a few seconds of drumming up courage to do it.

The literature right now states that it doesn't seem to be caused by trauma or neurodivergence, but it would not surprise me at all if it was made worse by those factors.

This is a combination of ADHD and Anxiety for me. I have ten things I want to say fighting to be the first out of my mouth, and at the same time, I'm overthinking each one. When I was a kid, I could be near-catatonic in social situations I couldn't deal with. In high school, I made a girl think I hated her because I locked up so bad when she hit on me. It's bad with my spouse because I grew up learning that family disputes are won or lost, not resolved, so I'm also fighting my impulse to be hurtful and score points. I can sit there, mouth open, not breathing, and rejecting every sentence my brain has come up with to say, until she asks, "Are you not speaking to me, now?". Even in normal interactions, I can freeze up for a second, because my brain gets logjammed. I often get three words into a sentence, and just start over, because my brain's trying edit the first draft as I'm speaking it.

I've also fallen out of touch with a hundred friends because I believe they don't really want to hang out with me, and never call or text them. Meanwhile, they probably don't call or text me, because my anxiousness and self-loathing makes it impossible to be comfortable around them, and they believe I don't like them. Either that, or I really am just a piece of poo poo.

Zil
Jun 4, 2011

Satanically Summoned Citrus



Clitch posted:

This is a combination of ADHD and Anxiety for me. I have ten things I want to say fighting to be the first out of my mouth, and at the same time, I'm overthinking each one. When I was a kid, I could be near-catatonic in social situations I couldn't deal with. In high school, I made a girl think I hated her because I locked up so bad when she hit on me. It's bad with my spouse because I grew up learning that family disputes are won or lost, not resolved, so I'm also fighting my impulse to be hurtful and score points. I can sit there, mouth open, not breathing, and rejecting every sentence my brain has come up with to say, until she asks, "Are you not speaking to me, now?". Even in normal interactions, I can freeze up for a second, because my brain gets logjammed. I often get three words into a sentence, and just start over, because my brain's trying edit the first draft as I'm speaking it.

I've also fallen out of touch with a hundred friends because I believe they don't really want to hang out with me, and never call or text them. Meanwhile, they probably don't call or text me, because my anxiousness and self-loathing makes it impossible to be comfortable around them, and they believe I don't like them. Either that, or I really am just a piece of poo poo.

Just saying, I get all that too. So if you are a piece of poo poo, so am I.

Sanguinary Novel
Jan 27, 2009


Clitch posted:

This is a combination of ADHD and Anxiety for me. I have ten things I want to say fighting to be the first out of my mouth, and at the same time, I'm overthinking each one. When I was a kid, I could be near-catatonic in social situations I couldn't deal with. In high school, I made a girl think I hated her because I locked up so bad when she hit on me. It's bad with my spouse because I grew up learning that family disputes are won or lost, not resolved, so I'm also fighting my impulse to be hurtful and score points. I can sit there, mouth open, not breathing, and rejecting every sentence my brain has come up with to say, until she asks, "Are you not speaking to me, now?". Even in normal interactions, I can freeze up for a second, because my brain gets logjammed. I often get three words into a sentence, and just start over, because my brain's trying edit the first draft as I'm speaking it.

I've also fallen out of touch with a hundred friends because I believe they don't really want to hang out with me, and never call or text them. Meanwhile, they probably don't call or text me, because my anxiousness and self-loathing makes it impossible to be comfortable around them, and they believe I don't like them. Either that, or I really am just a piece of poo poo.

Solidarity friend, for real.

Sisal Two-Step
May 29, 2006

mom without jaw
dad without wife


Had a pretty big argument with my partner last week, the first one we've ever had. At one I expressed that I would continue to be hurt by her words even if I got my way and I wasn't sure how to move forward. She asked me why I wouldn't want to sit down and work through the hurt with her and I literally had no idea what she was talking about lol. How I was raised was that all fights either resolve in me getting my way (and feeling guilty about it) or I suck it up and take the L (and feel resentful). I guess there's a third way, one that involves discussing the root of feelings to release the hurt and reaching compromise??

John Murdoch
May 19, 2009

I have special eyes.

Just think of all the cool stuff I can see.


Clitch posted:

This is a combination of ADHD and Anxiety for me. I have ten things I want to say fighting to be the first out of my mouth, and at the same time, I'm overthinking each one. When I was a kid, I could be near-catatonic in social situations I couldn't deal with. In high school, I made a girl think I hated her because I locked up so bad when she hit on me. It's bad with my spouse because I grew up learning that family disputes are won or lost, not resolved, so I'm also fighting my impulse to be hurtful and score points. I can sit there, mouth open, not breathing, and rejecting every sentence my brain has come up with to say, until she asks, "Are you not speaking to me, now?". Even in normal interactions, I can freeze up for a second, because my brain gets logjammed. I often get three words into a sentence, and just start over, because my brain's trying edit the first draft as I'm speaking it.

I've also fallen out of touch with a hundred friends because I believe they don't really want to hang out with me, and never call or text them. Meanwhile, they probably don't call or text me, because my anxiousness and self-loathing makes it impossible to be comfortable around them, and they believe I don't like them. Either that, or I really am just a piece of poo poo.

All that plus also being on the spectrum....yeah...

Reading that actually drummed up an old memory of being like 4-5 years old and at the bank with my dad. The teller had a cup of lollipops to hand out and after my dad was done doing his business she gave one to me. Before I could fully reckon with the whole process of being given something for free, then needing to talk to a stranger (who I had otherwise largely ignored and just fussed about waiting for my dad to be done), and then finally say thank you...my dad said something like "okay now thank the nice lady" and that put me on the spot and I froze up and couldn't do it. Pretty sure this made my dad embarrassed and as we left I seem to remember him threatening to take the lollipop away because I was being such a brat. :/

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Dr. Stab
Sep 12, 2010


Why do they think it could possibly work to punish and shame anxiety and depression out of a child?

Hasn't worked yet, must not be strict enough. So, the punishments escalate until I have to choose between spiraling further and further or getting out.

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