|
TrashMammal posted:if only we hadn’t made it so good for you kids you wouldn’t have grown up to be such a bunch of awful limp wristed ingrates I checked out the first hour of the (audio)book mentioned, it’s this, it’s complete trash and I want my hour back. Don’t waste your time on this dross, the previous posts about it are correct and the author is just trying to make a quick buck off boomers imho. “Kids getting help with their mental health is bad” is truly a stinker of a bad take. I have no doubt my life would’ve been massively improved if I had someone to check in with outside the family when I was a kid TrashMammal posted:everything tells narcissist parents what they want to hear. that’s why it’s called narcissism. a new enabling book is just a drop of piss in an already overflowing bucket This is also sadly the case Minotaurus Rex fucked around with this message at 19:32 on Mar 9, 2024 |
#
?
Mar 9, 2024 19:29
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 28, 2024 11:11 |
|
|
Do they even mention material conditions at all? Should be easy enough to compare a kid that has everything laid out for them and has zero anxiety and lots of confidence with a kid facing a lifetime of social and economic uncertainty. In that regard the amount of self diagnosis and trigger warnings seem to play very little in the much greater problems going on. It reminded me very much about how adults insisted that kids being unable to socialize with kids at school would "traumatize" them yet during the pandemic nobody was actually asking school age kids their feelings/outlook about all of it.
|
|
#
?
Mar 9, 2024 20:10
|
|
|
No mention of differing social or economic situations thus far. It’s trash. It’s an anti kids getting therapy polemic.. I’ve only got an hour in but now she’s railing against smartphones. It’s just boomer baiting and I’m not gona waste much more time on it
|
|
#
?
Mar 9, 2024 21:05
|
|
|
It's also always the people who can't function without substances in some form that claim they "turned out fine". "Unlike you, I wasn't coddled as a child" "And you're an alcoholic on pain pills and Xanax"
|
|
#
?
Mar 9, 2024 21:07
|
|
|
Now in the audiobook she’s going on about how the kids are stupid to worry about climate change, there’s nothing to worry about and it’s all going to be fine
|
|
#
?
Mar 9, 2024 21:16
|
|
|
We're currently in severe drought conditions here that the farmers are freaking out about losing their farms and liquidating their livestock because there's no grain to feed them, and every summer we can't breathe because all our forests are burning down. But sure, go off lady.
|
|
#
?
Mar 9, 2024 21:26
|
|
|
Minotaurus Rex posted:No mention of differing social or economic situations thus far. It’s trash. It’s an anti kids getting therapy polemic.. I’ve only got an hour in but now she’s railing against smartphones. It’s just boomer baiting and I’m not gona waste much more time on it This was my assumption. Thank you for sifting through all that diarrhea. It seemed to align very closely with this hostility against SSRIs in general. SulfurMonoxideCute posted:It's also always the people who can't function without substances in some form that claim they "turned out fine". Yeah this is the big irony with these types. It's also this really maladaptive (and sadly universal) cope that suffering through something unpleasant contributes to being more resilient. Of course they don't seem to think this kind of austerity is necessary for themselves, they've paid their dues they think to themselves as they pull all the other crabs to the bottom of the bucket.
|
|
#
?
Mar 10, 2024 01:16
|
|
|
SulfurMonoxideCute posted:It's also always the people who can't function without substances in some form that claim they "turned out fine". Or like my dad, who went through awful traumatic poo poo and never sought professional help, especially after he went off the rails when he was younger to the point of being involuntarily committed. He wrote off professional help as elitist bullshit, but drank two pots of drip coffee and smoked two packs of Marlboros a day to make his anxious rear end so compelled to do something that he managed some level of function for a few decades. That on top of being on Dilantin to control seizures from a traumatic brain injury from his younger days. Then his mental health fell out from under him and he spent the last dozen years of his life paralyzed by depression and the emphysema and COPD he refused to confront because he went into denial about anything too serious. I miss him, but my narc mom put him in her orbit and he never really figured out how to manage after she left. I’m so glad this thread is here.
|
|
#
?
Mar 10, 2024 01:25
|
|
|
Panfilo posted:This was my assumption. Thank you for sifting through all that diarrhea. It seemed to align very closely with this hostility against SSRIs in general. Oh there was much more diarrhoea to shift through, I only listened to the first couple hours. She didn’t mention antidepressants or any other psych drugs in what I listened to, she only had a problem with talk therapy and counselling (dogshit take) Minotaurus Rex fucked around with this message at 04:01 on Mar 10, 2024 |
|
#
?
Mar 10, 2024 03:57
|
|
|
In replies from people supportive of her they were mentioning the 'concerns' they had about giving kids SSRIs and possible long term side effects/problems. It seems to be looking at the issue completely backwards- they see people struggling with mental illness getting therapy and medication and conclude that obviously those things are just making the problem worse, after all older generations didn't have this newfangled 'talk therapy' and they didn't feel constant anxiety and crushing depression (according to them). It also reminds me of the very reductive  'hospitals only make things worse! I go to the doctor and suddenly there's a million things wrong with me!'
|
|
#
?
Mar 10, 2024 04:37
|
|
|
There was no mention of psych drugs in the bit I listened to, only talk therapies. My gut feeling is she wouldn’t have a problem with kids being on psych drugs as long as no one is pointing out to them how toxic their conservative parents are. But I didn’t listen to the whole thing so I duno for sure. Either way I feel this is a book written for the cash 💵 monies so she’s probably just writing whatever she feels is likely to land best with her target audience
|
|
#
?
Mar 10, 2024 06:17
|
|
|
I went down a Google rabbit hole a while back and found boutique grift from fashed out parenting blogs that had stuck around for 20 or 30 years that was along the lines of "managing your estranged adult child" so if that poo poo is reaching the mainstream it is only a matter of time before the television set starts telling you that your children turned out wrong due to the corruption of the world and forces entirely beyond your control so they never actually had the capability to love you properly like cable news does you are blameless and holy and pure blah blah if it hasnt already in such Videodrome-esque terms
|
|
#
?
Mar 10, 2024 06:33
|
|
|
Yeah sounds about right. That’ll probably be a move that happens imo
|
|
#
?
Mar 10, 2024 06:35
|
|
|
she spent all of 2023 getting people to indicate to me that she was willing to "help me out financially" if I forgave her and started speaking to her again. this had me worried that if the mainstream dudes are going to start targeting psychotic elderly with NC progeny, Im wondering now if I shouldve taken the weird bribe money while I had the chance. lol. lol......
|
|
#
?
Mar 10, 2024 07:01
|
|
|
wizard2 posted:she spent all of 2023 getting people to indicate to me that she was willing to "help me out financially" if I forgave her and started speaking to her again. Oof. And I think you guys are right.
|
|
#
?
Mar 10, 2024 07:04
|
|
|
It's literally just that Simpsons bit where Homer complains therapy 'turns wives against husbands, children against fathers, neighbours against me!'
|
|
#
?
Mar 10, 2024 07:34
|
|
|
so I found out that my mom kind of has these long rambling circular arguments with like.. anybody if I come up? just in absolute total denial I am not speaking to her again. she wants me to forgive her, but her idea of that seems to be "if I can just find an angle to get to him and correct the record he will be forced to concede and let me back into his life.." sounds real real healthy after 8 or 9 years 
|
|
#
?
Mar 17, 2024 11:09
|
|
|
you know?
MLK Ultra fucked around with this message at 12:22 on Mar 17, 2024 |
|
#
?
Mar 17, 2024 11:43
|
|
|
think i have the wrong thread. keeping this video in there though. ed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_TIOfUEudo MLK Ultra fucked around with this message at 12:22 on Mar 17, 2024 |
|
#
?
Mar 17, 2024 11:52
|
|
|
wizard2 posted:I went down a Google rabbit hole a while back and found boutique grift from fashed out parenting blogs that had stuck around for 20 or 30 years that was along the lines of "managing your estranged adult child" so if that poo poo is reaching the mainstream it is only a matter of time before the television set starts telling you that your children turned out wrong due to the corruption of the world and forces entirely beyond your control so they never actually had the capability to love you properly like cable news does you are blameless and holy and pure blah blah if it hasnt already in such Videodrome-esque terms Isn't this exactly the same point and message modern conservatives are pushing with their anti-"woke" anti- education nonsense? It's not your fault that the moment your child encounters people with different backgrounds and ideas, they see how poo poo you are. It's evil liberals filling their heads with satanic thoughts. The reason more educated people tend to disagree with you is because they've been brainwashed by a vast and possibly Jewish conspiracy. Your horrible and draconian ideology isn't the what drove your kids away from you. They were TAKEN by globalists. The woke mind virus is why your kids don't talk to you anymore.
|
|
#
?
Mar 17, 2024 12:17
|
|
|
wizard2 posted:so I found out that my mom kind of has these long rambling circular arguments with like.. anybody if I come up? just in absolute total denial I am not speaking to her again. she wants me to forgive her, but her idea of that seems to be "if I can just find an angle to get to him and correct the record he will be forced to concede and let me back into his life.." sounds real real healthy after 8 or 9 years This is a strangely common occurance, not just in estrange parents but in people of all types. If you're following FTX and bitcoin, you're seeing the same thing happen with SBF: the idea that you can't be wrong, and if you understood the situation you'd agree with me, so since you're not agreeing with me, I just have to explain harder.
|
|
#
?
Mar 17, 2024 18:13
|
|
|
That’s social media brains that does that
|
|
#
?
Mar 17, 2024 20:57
|
|
|
I'd been avoiding this thread because I didn't realise it had stopped being mostly writings of rejected parents. Sorry to hear that so many of us didn't get the care we should have from our parents. I've done tons of therapy and have various stratagems for managing my lovely parents. It's so tedious to do. They are just a net negative in my life, but I've been able to keep things level enough that it didn't seem worth setting off a drama bomb by going NC. I didn't want to make life difficult for my brother. I met with my mum last weekend for Mother's Day. It was very challenging for me, and she didn't hug me afterwards so I knew she was unhappy too. I was fuming all week about my parents existing, and dreading my weekly call with her today. Anyway, yesterday I got this message from her: "I'm sorry to say that I don't like the person you have become. Please don't call tomorrow" Which is... pretty wild?! Talk about threatening me with a good time. All this time I've been afraid about going NC and it turns out they don't like me either... I'm still a little shocked, and worried about what will happen next, some guilt as well of course. But the idea of being free of them makes me feel giddy with excitement. No doubt mum will expect to walk this back at some point. No thanks! I'm going to contact my old therapist tomorrow.
|
|
#
?
Mar 17, 2024 22:26
|
|
|
Walking off, the fox said, "Those grapes are probably sour anyways!" but then, having slept on it,
|
|
#
?
Mar 17, 2024 22:34
|
|
|
killerwhat posted:Anyway, yesterday I got this message from her: Not gonna lie, this made me do a little snort-laugh, I'm sorry. It gives me the same kind of vibes of when my mom told me she didn't want to talk to me until I was better after being diagnosed with a chronic illness, because she decided to turn my illness into her own personal pity party and I ignored the invitation.
|
|
#
?
Mar 17, 2024 22:54
|
|
|
SulfurMonoxideCute posted:Not gonna lie, this made me do a little snort-laugh, I'm sorry. No apology necessary  When I showed the message to my husband he laughed for ages.Well done for not playing that game!
|
|
#
?
Mar 17, 2024 23:37
|
|
|
don't call? can do!!
|
|
#
?
Mar 17, 2024 23:37
|
|
|
killerwhat posted:
That IS wild. Wildly good. You take that beautiful silence and run free with it.
|
|
#
?
Mar 18, 2024 01:57
|
|
|
Shout out to whomstever recommended How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing, good and useful book. https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/60139504 It kinda reminds me of the uniquely useful CBT style reframing method of behaviour change that the stop smoking/drinking/other stuff guy Allen Carr perfected. Throwing in recs for those books in way of paying back the good rec https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/6618 https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/9321 Minotaurus Rex fucked around with this message at 18:13 on Mar 31, 2024 |
|
#
?
Mar 31, 2024 18:09
|
|
|
What are some good ways to help reduce the amount of time I use to think about my relationship with my parents? It's not helpful, I'm not coming up with anything new to fix this poo poo (nor is it my responsibility to keep trying), it just makes me angry and exhausted and I'm tired of my brain finding its way back to that old grindstone of "what if I just, maybe if I explained this, if I could just get them to see," when I know that by this point, there's nothing there.
|
|
#
?
Apr 4, 2024 03:24
|
|
|
blunt for century posted:What are some good ways to help reduce the amount of time I use to think about my relationship with my parents? It's not helpful, I'm not coming up with anything new to fix this poo poo (nor is it my responsibility to keep trying), it just makes me angry and exhausted and I'm tired of my brain finding its way back to that old grindstone of "what if I just, maybe if I explained this, if I could just get them to see," when I know that by this point, there's nothing there. I don't have an answer, just solidarity that this loving sucks. It's arguing in the shower, roleplaying exactly what you'd say if they could hear you, but the tragedy and the grief is that they won't. I don't even like to give them the grace of 'they can't', because they're not acting out of helplessness. They've committed to their choices over and over again. You've pleaded with them in every way you could for decades. If they wanted to hear you they would. The only thing I can offer is eventually it is just your brain finding its way back to that old grindstone. It's not a way out or a strategy to solve the relationship, it's yet another manifestation of having had to shoulder the responsibility of functioning for another human being for years, only now it's happening with the cardboard cutout you've been left to reckon with. It hurts to face. It doesn't grow when you do. It's... the perfect simulacra of the broken relationship. It's infuriating and exhausting just as you said, but I guess I want to offer that at the very least this isn't fruitless. Interacting with people who refuse to see you is.
|
|
#
?
Apr 4, 2024 03:39
|
|
|
blunt for century posted:What are some good ways to help reduce the amount of time I use to think about my relationship with my parents? It's not helpful, I'm not coming up with anything new to fix this poo poo (nor is it my responsibility to keep trying), it just makes me angry and exhausted and I'm tired of my brain finding its way back to that old grindstone of "what if I just, maybe if I explained this, if I could just get them to see," when I know that by this point, there's nothing there. This might be a dumb question but are you getting any mental health help in general? Over the last year I got diagnosed with PTSD, got on good meds for it, and quit smoking weed. And just as a result of that I've entirely stopped fixating on my past trauma, the fixation was part of my PTSD. I'm not presuming that the same thing would be the case for everyone, but anecdotally it worked for me. Therapy never did much for me (and frankly just made me worse) but proper medication and stopping the self-medication made all the difference. deep dish peat moss fucked around with this message at 04:08 on Apr 4, 2024 |
|
#
?
Apr 4, 2024 04:06
|
|
|
blunt for century posted:What are some good ways to help reduce the amount of time I use to think about my relationship with my parents? It's not helpful, I'm not coming up with anything new to fix this poo poo (nor is it my responsibility to keep trying), it just makes me angry and exhausted and I'm tired of my brain finding its way back to that old grindstone of "what if I just, maybe if I explained this, if I could just get them to see," when I know that by this point, there's nothing there. No idea, but I would also like a (non-pharmacological) answer to this problem
|
|
#
?
Apr 4, 2024 05:43
|
|
|
its generally called "therapy"
|
|
#
?
Apr 4, 2024 05:51
|
|
|
No need to be a jerk about it. I’m aware of the existence of therapy but I can’t afford it, or I wouldn’t be asking strangers on the internet for advice would I
|
|
#
?
Apr 4, 2024 06:50
|
|
|
Something that's been working out ok for me is having a "thought path" I can go down whenever I catch myself fixating on things I don't want to waste energy thinking about. For example: 1. Recognise I'm having unhelpful thoughts about childhood/parent 2. Tell myself "hey, there's that thought again, it's bound to pop up from time to time bee, because you've been through a lot. You can let it go for now". 3. Start thinking about one of several other happy scenarios that make me feel good to think about. I have a little notepad of these on my phone, that I review and add to occasionally. Some are simple, like how good a certain flavour of icecream tastes, some are more detailed like trying to remember the way a part of a song I like goes, or thinking about fun memories I've had with my kid or friends. Anything that brings me peace or calm when I think about it will work 4. If I find myself drifting back to thoughts I don't want I just start the process again I guess essentially this is just a form of mindfulness... it's been working out well enough for me so far.
|
|
#
?
Apr 4, 2024 07:23
|
|
|
The answer really is therapy, but even that takes years. I’m going to be dismantling all the maladaptive poo poo I learned as a kid for basically the rest of my life. Seek out the healthier coping strategies. Outside of therapy, the stuff that seems to work the best for me is: Practicing mindfulness including meditation Rescue breathing for panic and anxiety attacks Exercise to calm my mind and help me sleep Books/art/gardening things I can lose myself in when I need my brain to quiet down Podcasts and chill beats to interrupt my pre sleep obsessing And worst case scenario, take something to help you sleep. Before I had steady insurance I used Benadryl when I absolutely couldn’t get to sleep on my own. Getting enough sleep can make a lot of poo poo feel more bearable. The crap thing about all of this is that there is no easy fix. I’m on the meds, I’ve been in therapy for years. Objectively I’m doing a lot better, but when you’re in the slop it sure doesn’t feel like it. I still have triggers that come out of nowhere and panic attacks that wreck my poo poo up some days. So be patient with yourself for having these things bouncing around in your head.
|
|
#
?
Apr 4, 2024 07:26
|
|
|
blunt for century posted:"what if I just, maybe if I explained this, if I could just get them to see" Get the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, (re)read the section about how they will never listen  96 BELOW THE WAVE posted:I don't have an answer, just solidarity that this loving sucks. It's arguing in the shower, roleplaying exactly what you'd say if they could hear you, but the tragedy and the grief is that they won't. I don't even like to give them the grace of 'they can't', because they're not acting out of helplessness. They've committed to their choices over and over again. You've pleaded with them in every way you could for decades. If they wanted to hear you they would. great post
|
|
#
?
Apr 4, 2024 13:09
|
|
|
deep dish peat moss posted:This might be a dumb question but are you getting any mental health help in general? Over the last year I got diagnosed with PTSD, got on good meds for it, and quit smoking weed. And just as a result of that I've entirely stopped fixating on my past trauma, the fixation was part of my PTSD. I'm not presuming that the same thing would be the case for everyone, but anecdotally it worked for me. Therapy never did much for me (and frankly just made me worse) but proper medication and stopping the self-medication made all the difference. Not at the moment. I've been on and off with therapy over the years, some therapists were kinda helpful, some weren't helpful at all, and it's been a nightmare trying to figure out getting another therapist moving forward, with cost of living and constantly shifting insurance stuff. One of the biggest issues I had with therapy (or specific therapists I suppose) is that I spend all this time re-opening wounds with them, and then the next visit they wanna open it back up. But then I don't get anything useful about what to DO ABOUT IT. Ok, great, now I know the term "narcissist" applies to my parents. I know I was abused. I know I was neglected. BUT WHAT DO I DO TO IMPROVE MY CURRENT SITUATION? "Well come back next week and we can discuss that" I definitely think it would be helpful and useful to get back in treatment, but it's such a slog trying to find someone who's actually worth talking to about it that oftentimes it feels just as productive, if not more productive, to talk to goons online about it instead of a therapist. blunt for century fucked around with this message at 13:17 on Apr 4, 2024 |
|
#
?
Apr 4, 2024 13:14
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 28, 2024 11:11 |
|
|
That was my experience with therapy as well for most of my life but now that I got an actual diagnosis and am on proper medication, it has become helpful. I don't go very often now (every 2 months) because I don't feel like I need it frequently but once I got on the right meds I was able to start applying everything I had learned in therapy over the years without it just making me miserable. My personal recommendation is see a psychiatrist for an actual diagnosis and possibly medication first, consider therapy afterward. I avoided meds for a long time because I didn't want all the zombification side effects but it turned out that the meds that work for me don't have those side effects anyway  Therapy is useful but only if you're in the right state of mind, and for some people that requires another form of treatment to achieve.
|
|
#
?
Apr 4, 2024 15:47
|
|