I would blow Dane Cook posted:

Is this something to do with Christianity?

LadyPictureShow posted:

I was a little fattycakes when I was young, but from swimming and eating smaller portions rather than clearing my whole plate and asking for fruit instead of chips or cookies in my lunch, I shed a lot of weight. The rest of my family was overweight.

My dad's response to how skinny I'd gotten was to start calling me Karen Carpenter (she was a 70s singer who died from anorexia complications)

Picnic Princess posted:

I get compared to her best friend's kids, because they have a good relationship with their mother. All the things my mom refuses to do with me, like interacting with my social media, texting me, saying yes when I ask if she wants to go do something, she does with her friend's kids. So while she's ignoring me on purpose to prove how lovely I am, she's actively participating in a relationship with other people's kids like they're her own. She also does the same with my sister. Apparently it's just me who who gets to be ignored deliberately to prove a point. Which at this point is perfectly fine. I'm 100% done trying to manage her emotional baggage for her.

Miss posted:

It's been 19 years and she's clearly still absolutely livid that her child drew that picture.

Lmao

Veni Vidi Ameche! posted:

Yeah. You can forgive your best friend Lucas's guinea pig Danger Mouse for biting your finger hard enough to draw blood, but that doesn't mean you have to shove your finger back into her habitat.

RoboRodent posted:

Yeah, twelve through fourteen is a rough age. You're pretty sure you're an adult because you're definitely not a kid, but not everyone treats you like an adult, and also maybe you still like playing with your dolls or your action figures or whatever (which absolutely no one at school can EVER find out because someone found out that your classmate Jimmy still sleeps with a teddy bear and that was it for him, socially), and maybe for the first time sex is starting to sound like a good thing but you don't know how to navigate that entire sphere of your life.

My dad, a former teacher, always said that the fourteen year olds were the worst, but most of them had their heads on straighter after a year.

Tin Can Hit Man posted:

Same thing with my biological mother from what I've heard. She just... became her own mother.

Which causes me no end of anxiety that I'll inevitably end up like her despite my best efforts to be nothing like them. I'm not naive enough to believe there is some genetic predisposition to women in our family ending up as bitter angry old women, but I'm also acutely aware that trauma in ones upbringing can be insidious and influential in unforeseen well into adulthood if one isn't constantly checking themselves.

That70sHeidi posted:

That is an oddly adorable mental image, thank you!

Foam Monkey posted:

I found this on /r/regretfulparents and holy poo poo.

AuntBuck posted:

It's disappointing how often those "turned 18 am being kicked out" posts show up in r/personalfinance

I don't get why people are doing it.

Shirec posted:

Also it's super gross that these full grown has lots of life experience adults are trying to argue semantics of why a 16 year old child tried to kill herself. Like, this is not the time for you to try and win an argument, or even a little bit about your feelings. It's a hosed up layer cake of selfishness

BrigadierSensible posted:

I think a lot of that is vanity and/or 'face'.

When asked about how an estrangrd child, (or parent for that matter), "I dont know, we dont talk much" is a perfectly socially acceptable answer.

But to these people, admitting they dont have a peachy keen Norman Rockwell relationship with their family makes them look bad.

As with a lot of these kind of things, it has nothing to do with the estranged child, and everything to do with the perception/how the parent is perceived by people.

i.e. They dont care how bad a parent they were/are, so long as nobodh thinks they are a bad parent.

Wicker Man posted:

This is right on the nose. I'm also willing to bet a lot of these same parents probably don't even know who their child is as a person outside of the most superficial things("You always loved drinking sprite "). They were expected to pop out some kids and get the white picket fences but they can't be bothered to do any of the actual work in maintaining. These people are also very jealous of others and what they have but they absolutely refuse to better themselves, even when presented with tools and instructions.

Pope Corky the IX posted:

Haha, just remembered this. I left the aforementioned job after four years for better pay and a better position as warehouse manager for another company. I called my father to tell him the news and his first response was “So I guess you got fired, huh?”

Axqu posted:

I figured if there's a place to ask it'd be here-- do any of you have frustrating experiences with trauma groups, OR know of a place I can go to/ reach out to for a trauma group focused on people who have been through some egregiously heinous poo poo? I know the party line in trauma group circles is "everyone can get trauma from anything and everyone's traumas are vaaaaaaaaalid." And I get it. I do. I understand that a sexual assault victim can get good coping skill advice from a bullying victim and that workshopping trauma trigger reaction steps doesn't always depend on trauma levels.

The problem I have is that those groups are incredibly alienating for people like me, because there's an opportunity for most people to share what happened to them / workshop behavior chain stuff / "my adverse reaction here stems from XYZ in my life." I've found myself doing a poo poo ton of emotional heavy lifting for folks because I've had to develop incredibly robust coping skills, but I can't even share vagueries without people just going "holy poo poo" or "wow that sucks" or someone invalidating themselves based on what I've been through and the entire group falling all over themselves to go "you're so vaaaaaaaalid every trauma is vaaaaaaaaaalid" and everyone just shoves me to the side because I've gone through enough that it's completely socially unacceptable for me to share and lean and cry like everyone else who's been through less can.

I need support and help, and my therapist is great, but like... I'm in a uniquely 'functional' position for my level of trauma and my stepmom liked to constantly tell me how much of a burden I was/am because I can't "just get over it" like "real traumatized people do," and it's a bizarre kind of loneliness and isolation where everyone fawns over someone with 'relatable' trauma like their parents getting divorced but I get shuffled off to the side with stunned silence and vague platitudes about being 'strong' and 'brave' and how 'you're so strong it'll all work out'. Nobody should be expected to engage with me emotionally, or comfort me-- I'm not entitled to anyone's emotional energy and I'm not entitled to be a part of a group if I'm wrong and bad for being there, but I would like to feel cared about and I would like to be able to gain benefit from a group instead of being the go-to DBT skills encyclopedia and validation bloodbag.

There's no detail involved in what I say, either. "I was a victim of child prostitution," is enough to get me shut out of any group I'm in. Nobody should be expected to deal with even that much. I get it. Nobody should be expected to comfort someone with all the brokenness that implies. But I'm expected to sit and smile and comfort someone over being bullied when they were 12, and say that their trauma is just as valid as mine, and they deserve support just as much, and like... I can't even give the vaguest possible reason I'm hurting without someone going "your trauma is so much worse than mine I feel like I can't even say anything I I I ME ME ME" and this happens every time. I have no voice, anywhere, even in a community that is supposed to be accepting and caring. I don't want to give details-- what I want is group validation that what I went through is 1) not my fault 2) doesn't make me an inherently worthless person like my mom and stepmom like to say 3) is different and substantially worse than most other forms of trauma commonly seen in these kinds of groups and that 4) I deserved parental support instead of systematic and deliberate isolation from my family.

I would like this validation without others making it all about THEM, and how my pain makes THEM feel, and without feeling like my experience is an attack on everyone else for existing. I would like to feel like my experience does not make me a burden, and that even if I need support rather than just giving it all the time, I am still a valuable and positively regarded member of the group. I know how to give substantial validation. I know how to give valuable feedback. I know how to self-advocate, and when to do so. I don't speak to my experience often. I would just like a voice. I would like someone to care when I speak. I would like to not be expected to carry all my own burdens and then carry others as well.

I am completely alone in any trauma group I'm in. And in those times, the voices of my family start to creep in. "Other people are good and you're just a financial drain; of course they deserve help and you don't." "Therapy is a waste of money for someone who never tries in school." "Your stepbrothers went through their parents divorcing and you didn't help them, despite you all being 10." "If you don't give a poo poo about yourself how can anyone else be expected to give a poo poo about you" "You're so difficult you make it hard to love you." "Your stepmom didn't sign up to deal with your poo poo, and frankly you should be grateful we graciously offer you a place in our home at all." I can give background information on all of these on request. I'm not making it up. Any of it. I promise. I can't give dates but I can give years, timeframes, paraphrasing info, any of it. My stepmom likes to say I'm making it up because she says it when nobody else is around and likes to tell everyone I'm crazy and vindictive.

Does there exist a trauma group such that I can feel welcome? Actually welcome. Not "Wooooow you're so brave. Now sit down and shut up and be aspirational to others while you're dying inside. Even the vague scope of what you've been through is too much for anyone to be expected to handle so really you have to understand why you're the one always left out in the cold."

And I get it. I do. And I know I'm just being an entitled piece of poo poo asking any group to detail for me. Everyone else has their own poo poo to deal with and mine is too heavy to expect anyone to want to help with and the point of trauma group is to all help each other which is why I'm expected to participate and if I hold back a skill that could've really helped someone else I'm a bad person. I understand deeply and truly why things must be this way if I'm going to participate. I understand why I do not get to have, and am not entitled to, the cameraderie the group provides. I understand that trying to force it or asking for more makes me just as bad as (or worse than) all these entitled narcissistic shitstains that are featured here-- most of which talk just like my stepmom and mother.

I just deeply wish reality were different, probably delusionally so. I deeply wish that I could fit in anywhere. Does such a group exist? I'm way more broken than anyone should ever be expected to deal with and if I'm not fitting in with a group it's on me to be better not them to change, but I've been dealing with this alone or with petty platitude "support" for so long I just want someone who's not my therapist or fiancé to acknowledge that I've been hurt worse than most people. I am so alone, all the time, even in support communities who say they understand. I know I make the community (any community but especially trauma support communities) worse by being there but is there a place such that my presence isn't a detriment to the group as a whole when I need support sometimes? It doesn't get bad often (~1x/mo) and I contain it well and I don't give any more detail than I've given here but it's always the same "so strong, so brave, but let's comfort jimmy who feels invalidated because your experience existed too close to him." It's almost always a guy too somehow.

Sorry. This got a lot longer than I intended. Just hit my breaking point I guess not that it excuses anything. I am in lots of therapy now, a safe environment, with someone who loves me deeply and sincerely, I just broke today from being all by myself and a dear friend talking about how much her trauma group is helping and of course I'm happy for her but I have no healthy frame of reference for when it is okay to have a hurt reaction because my family's response had historically been "never, get over it." I think it's ok to vent elsewhere but I just have to be happy for her to her face and maybe ask her to please discuss her happiness with the trauma group with others who aren't me?" The issue I have is that "elsewhere" usually means "nowhere" because my experience is so different and alienating and I don't have any right to ask for more than 'away from me' for anyone else.

I'm more functional because I follow the rules. I'm good at finding and following the unspoken rules too. No matter how much I optimize and fine-tune and bend and work to make sure I'm a net positive to the group, i always do something that makes me a Bad Person and I don't know how to fix it. I don't want to be around people I make unhappy because I don't want to make people unhappy. Im told trauma groups are a place for support, and they are, but not for me. I'm desperate to find a group where I can find support, but not if my presence makes everyone else upset or miserable. It's looking increasingly like my stepmom was right and any good qualities I might have are so outweighed by the bad ones as to be meaningless... OR my mother was right and I don't have good qualities at all. I'm talking to my therapist about this. I'm working through it with her. She says I'm wrong and we're working on getting me to believe it. I would just like genuine social connections that can point me in *any* safe direction because there are limits to how long anyone can be "strong and brace and inspiring and vaaaaaaaaaaaaalid" without a support *network.* I don't have a network. I have three trustworthy nodes and I can't build more the way most people can. I'm trying as hard as I can but being both born broken and deliberately broken *more* means I'm a bad ROI for others and I can't expect them to invest time in me. (I don't view others that way but I asked for advice on how to make friends from my granddad and got the 'ROI' talk and it made sense to apply to me since I'm a liability/ effort/ burden in a way most people aren't.)

Thanks for reading if you did? I don't know how to end emotional seppuku sessions. Well aware that the self sabotage is offputting and that's a reason people don't like me so I usually hide it way better than this.

Tunicate posted:

psych students are so different from the normal population that there have been repeated attempts to make psych professors stop using their students as subjects in studies

ohnobugs posted:

He might have gotten phished too. He's really quick to be angry at his daughter for something she'd have no power to do. Also he's not cheap he's in fact very, very generous and she is ungrateful and terrible and woe is me.

Mak0rz posted:

The ozone layer is thinner in the southern hemisphere so yeah skin cancer is a much more serious risk there than here in northern regions.

My friend who lived in both Canada and Scotland took a trip to Oceana once and was relieved when she finally ended up in New Zealand. At last, grey foggy weather just like home! Time to ditch the sunscreen!

She got a real nasty sunburn.

Tunicate posted:

If we're thinking about the same recent CFCs thing I think they eventually traced it to some assholes in china

Pththya-lyi posted:

It is relevant. To the letter writer's mind, they're just another example of the kids' failures.

Poo In An Alleyway posted:

Today in college was fun. We were learning how to develop 35mm black and white camera film, which involved having to roll film spools in a tiny cramped dark room. Our lecturer stressed how important it was that we don’t panic in the dark room. So I went in, the door was shut behind me, and I was left in 100% total darkness to roll film. And I realised I honestly wasn’t frightened, being in a pitch black room not much larger than a coffin, because I had spent many moments of my childhood hiding in my wardrobe so my mother couldn’t find me to scream at me about something innocuous that had made her fly into a rage. Not a nice thing to realise, and certainly not something I was up for explaining to my lecturer when I came out of the dark room not all that freaked out by being confined in a tiny pitch black room.

CherryCola posted:

haha by trying to go no contact with both of my parents, I'm somehow now also in a fight with my brother who used to be the person who got how hosed up our parents are?

He's gotten into this mindset that "well they're basically children and will probably die someday so you should humor them." Except that the way they treat him is different than how they treat me. My mom (my brother's ex-stepmom) feels bad about how she and my dad treated my brother when we were kids, so she basically puts zero pressure on him and is apparently super nice. I was the "golden child" except that I'm actually a disappointment and make her feel like a failure as a mother because I'm a big lefty while she is MAGA AF.

Anyway, I apparently have zero support from anyone in the family, and the one aunt I used to be able to talk to has also gone super MAGA and infowars crazy.

So yeah...haha it rules!

Eshettar posted:

BaronVonVaderham posted:

Zero attempted communication from my father, the last I heard from him was when he sent a happy birthday on the wrong day.

Best holiday season ever.

110 posted:

hmmm today I will have sex with The Fist

what could possibly go wrong