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Facebook Aunt posted:You may be leaning into his POV and taking him at face value a little much. She was an insignificant minor character in his life story, but I bet he is a major character in hers. Was gonna say something similar. “Did my brotherly duty by sending a supportive text message to my sister to whom I rarely spoke in our childhood, but she should be happy to hear from me if I’m being honest, I’m a hero and I know you guys know I tried my best.” He admits their relationship was never close, much less warm and loving, yet expects a warmer response even though he tells readers he expected no response at all. He admits he was a poo poo head which, it’s nice that he’s at least somewhat self-aware, but being a poo poo head and apologizing to no one about it, then finally growing up and expecting everyone to just notice this and praise him for it without any apology from him or attempts to reconcile, is kind of oblivious and really puts any text message to an all-but-estranged sibling into context and explains why she basically sent him back the polite equivalent of “gently caress you.” Can’t be a poo poo head most of your life and affect your sister in such a way, but also barely speak to her and never apologize even when you profess to realize you were a poo poo head and it wasn’t a good path you were on. And then, text her out of loving nowhere and expect her to divine how you feel you’ve changed your life and expect a trite supportive family form letter/text to garner enthusiasm about hearing from you; with nary a word in between your rebellious, selfish youth and the recent text message wherein you tell your sister you know she’s been suffering mentally but you also fail to apologize, so it just sounds like you’re pitying her at best when she remembers you as the basket case
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Mar 20, 2021 14:35
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simplefish posted:There's a lot of reading in there. Yeah it was just the “head held high” in addition to the general tone and obliviousness that came with the text message itself, that suggests he expected their familial relationship to be the driving force in his out-of-the-blue contact attempt. It’s the thing where they weren’t close before, he made no attempt to be close with his sister by his own admission, he also admits he likely drove a wedge between them and made life harder on her, and then finally sends a text out of nowhere as if they had merely had a rough patch without an overt apology. She doesn’t hear from him for many years probably, until he sends a text only at their mother’s urging. Clearly she doesn’t consider his text an apology. I’d also submit that perhaps he should have called, even under the notion that she probably wouldn’t pick up because it’s likely she doesn’t have his number in her phone anyway, and left a VM expressing much more remorse than he did, or that comes across in a text message where tone can be read. I’d also posit that perhaps he should have left out his secondhand knowledge of her alleged mental state as told by their mother who can only offer her perception, not reality, and who only knows what her daughter chooses to tell her. Instead it should have been a pure apologetic contact, leaving out her alleged difficulties as an obvious crutch/reason to contact her in the first place. In her mind it’s possible he only contacted her because he was asked to, not because he genuinely wanted to reconnect. He may indeed have been genuine in his feelings, but text and timing do not get that across in this case so it could be inferred that she did not pick up on the genuineness and who could blame her? You can’t say, “we are family, you can rely on me” all of a sudden after years of your family knowing they could do anything but, after years of treating your sister like she barely exists as a sibling, and then skate with a simple, “it’s my fault” without being specific in how it’s your fault and offering no further remorseful words and actions.
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Mar 20, 2021 15:54
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The smirking tells me she is somewhat aware of what she’s doing and it sounds to me like she enjoys it on some level. How old are you? Eventually I’d try to move to a gated apartment complex or something and never give her the code or apartment number, because mentally ill or not, it’s not okay for her to continue to give in to impulses. Has anyone told her to get help and she’s just brushed it off like it’s not a big deal? Or has it been just your dad threatening to kick her out and then not following through? Either way that’s rough. If you don’t have the means to move out for whatever reason then you might wanna take matters into your own hands because your dad doesn’t sound like he’s doing it and meanwhile you need some uninterrupted sleep. I wouldn’t say I have OCD but I habitually peel my cuticle skin to the point I even bought multiple cuticle pushers/cutters to help me do it and it’s gross and I know it’s gross. No one ever remarked on it my entire life but I try not to do it anywhere but home. Just a weird behavior I guess, I don’t know why I do it but hard dead skin or any dead peeling skin bothers me incessantly until I can remove it and it’s all I can think about until I do it. Also goes for cuticles behind my fingernails and I’ll cut or pull to raw skin where it hurts all the time
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Mar 25, 2021 18:52
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I mean, she did warn her mom what would happen...sounds like mom ignored that or didn’t really think daughter would follow through and then got mad at daughter when she did follow through. No contact does seem kind of harsh but there’s a high likelihood that the mom really doesn’t have a clue. Meanwhile the daughter was being reasonable in moving out rather than trying to control the situation by telling her mother she couldn’t move other daughter into her own house. So mom lost income, oh well—again she was warned. It’s not like it happened out of the blue
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Apr 1, 2021 02:35
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Selfish to the end, figuring they are the only generation to deal with tough times and discount today’s tough times. It’s not considered that their kids are affected by things they don’t even notice. If you complain or observe something, you “just” need to do exactly what they did when they were your age and suck it up buttercup
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Apr 1, 2021 13:43
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Yeah they basically got a golden age outside of the Vietnam conflict. I feel zero sympathy if I hear a boomer talk about tough times. Maybe stop using it as justification for staying in the workforce until you’re 75?
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Apr 2, 2021 18:28
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The Slack Lagoon posted:Hi everyone long time reader first time poster Been there in a very similar situation, right up to stating boundaries and my dad refusing, asserting “honor your father and mother,” etc. It was a big blow up about politics, but I was angry because my dad was pushing my buttons and then blaming me for getting angry and saying I’m too quick to anger (I wasn’t the first one to get angry and calmly asked many times for him to drop the subject, which was me not voting for who he wanted me to vote for). It was a whole thing. Not a lot of advice other than stick to your guns. Your boundaries are immovable walls regardless of what your parents do or say. If they approach the boundaries, give a polite reminder and if it persists, walk away from the situation. You can’t make them respect your boundaries but you can move your boundaries with you—walking away is still enforcing them. If there is or was a big blow up and you reconcile, also remember reconciliation doesn’t mean restoration. This means that when contact is restored with a person, for the relationship to continue or begin again, the same old poo poo doesn’t work for you and you don’t put up with it. If you get long text messages or emails or whatever, don’t engage, keep replies (if you reply at all) short and pointed, don’t get into a pissing match because that’s more than likely what they want you to do. All in all don’t play their game. Your boundaries are your boundaries and they are worthy of respect as are you. More than likely, though, I hate to say it—but parents like yours and mine will never fully see us, their adult children, as anything but their children who need to be guided, and they react to pushback much like they did when we were kids. I’m still a rebellious teenager to my dad, despite the fact I have two kids of my own and my dad only ever knew how to yell at and lecture his one child. That probably isn’t gonna change and I wouldn’t expect it to if I were you. They probably won’t ever truly realize that honor goes both ways and they shouldn’t be treating their kids this way. You have to decide if you can accept and deal with that in the maintenance of a relationship, or just cast the relationship aside and say gently caress it if they can’t adhere to your boundaries. You teach people how to treat you and if they can’t be taught, they gone.
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Apr 8, 2021 02:56
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ohnobugs posted:The sentence that comes after that "honor thy parents" is "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger." Feel free to call them out on their selective religious beliefs, or to stop calling them entirely. Yeah this. It’s something my dad in all his self-described theological knowledge, never seems to understand. Why understand that when you can provoke your kids to anger and then gaslight the gently caress out of them? My dad’s fervor about eschatology dumps fuel on this fire because now I can’t even tell him I got vaccinated against Covid
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Apr 8, 2021 03:52
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When I fell out with my dad I had family members telling me, “You’d do well to say you’re sorry sooner or later because something could happen to him tomorrow and you’ll regret ending your relationship with him.” Yes. Yes, I should go say I’m sorry. To him. He treated me like trash in front of my own son and then told me to leave his house, so my opinion wasn’t respected, and he acted surprised I even had this opinion since he constantly assumed I shared his own. He assumed that because I never told him how I really felt because it led to poo poo exactly like this where my opinion would get shouted down, what I wanted for my life would get shouted down, even on the smallest things like where I wanted to eat for my birthday. Wait is too long where I wanted to go? Well, let’s go to this place I like instead, Son, this place I know you don’t like. Yes I should be the one to apologize when that’s all I did even when I wasn’t wrong (which when I was younger I’d never have known because I never was allowed to be right) growing up. Nah
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Apr 9, 2021 03:10
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Jin Wicked posted:These people always act like it is such a *gasp* shock when their kids go NC. People like that don’t really change, either. It took me a long time to get over the knowledge that I was going to be seen and presented as wrong by my dad whenever we had a disagreement and became estranged for any length of time. Even if I was morally or factually right, I was wrong, and I overcompensated for this by trying to make sure people saw me as someone who had the emotional intelligence I thought they perceived I didn’t have. I’m sorry that poo poo happened. That’s rough.
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Apr 11, 2021 14:10
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Possibly schadenfreude and/or getting validation in their own lives. They may have done some horrible poo poo you see, but they haven't done that.
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Apr 12, 2021 17:18
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Those EP/NC passages are like...eerily similar to my own adult life with my parents that I was in shock when I initially found that website, right down to taking zero responsibility for themselves and gaslighting their children. And of course my childhood, with the tremendous blows to self-esteem that came with a the usual poo poo. But also something that sticks out is one of those comments that is talking about them no longer being a priority in their kid’s life after they got married. Well, duh. Their spouse is their priority now, and that is how it should be.
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Apr 13, 2021 22:33
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BrigadierSensible posted:But to a lot of these estranged parents, they have fetishized, and over-romanticized the relationship they had with their kids when the kids were little. "We were always best friends when X was growing up.", "She was always my princess and we were so close.", "he was such a mummys boy always clinging to my skirts and confiding in me everything about what went on in school." etc. Leaving aside the over-clingy dependant parenting stuff for another time, I think a lot of these memories are bullshit projections of what the mother wanted. As in, the estranged child had a relatively normal childhood, and sure, when they were 5 they hid behind mummy's skirts when they were scared etc. But they, as all normal people do, grew up and became independent people with lives of their own and didn't need their mummy to cut the crusts off their bread anymore. This has sent the parent insane, coz they refuse to accept that their little baby is no longer a baby, and thus intentionally mistake independence for aloofness. I don’t think this is trite at all. It is a common thing in this type of situation—parents from their generation, boomers in particular, it seems, must always be the parent. It’s why they endlessly pull poo poo on their adult children like, “you have to honor me, you must respect me,” etc. They don’t see their adult children as adults, and we will never be their equal. Never. My wife is still astounded by this as she and her mom are literal friends and she grew up just thinking her childhood was like how all families were. Then she married me and met my dad—hoo boy. Night and day for her.
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Apr 14, 2021 02:49
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Today I probably went into more detail on my childhood with my dad than any psychiatrist really wants to hear. This was after going over it with my counselor the past year. Thanks, Dad
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Apr 17, 2021 01:59
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God it’s all about him and his feelings. He hasn’t once asked why his son might do this; it’s all focused on his son being cold and uncaring and how that makes him feel. But, in addition to seemingly lacking the capability to ask themselves, “what if I’m wrong?” they also lack the capability to listen to their children when they are told why exactly all of this might be happening.
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Apr 20, 2021 21:27
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JFC that is some weird poo poo.
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Apr 24, 2021 17:51
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AKZ posted:Not strictly parent stuff, but holy smokes orthodontic talk rattled loose a memory. Sup nighttime headgear buddy. Braces for 7-8 years, frenectomy, headgear to correct “strong” chin, and an expander. I had a lower permanent retainer in forever and only got it out in the army—it was a wire on the inside of and behind my lower teeth connected by metal brackets glued around my back molars. I wasn’t even that hosed up I feel—not sure that the orthos weren’t just trynna make money. I hated that headgear.
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Apr 24, 2021 18:39
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Not neurodivergent, just depressed and anxious most of my life with ADD in my childhood. I’m still dealing with poo poo in therapy but overall I’m feeling for all of y’all because all of that sounds rough as poo poo for anyone...but for anyone with legit stuff going on who needed a bit of extra love and understanding from their parents, it’s especially rough. Like I’ve had my problems that I’m still dealing with from childhood, but after reading some of these last few posts I’m sincerely sorry y’all had to go through that poo poo.
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Apr 25, 2021 03:12
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Welp Diagnosed in 4th grade, took Ritalin, then Adderall, along with Wellbutrin. I haven’t taken it since other than briefly back in 2018-2019. So if that means I’m neurodivergent then I guess I am.
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Apr 25, 2021 22:05
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Their desire to subjugate their son overcomes their desire to have him move out. It sounds contradictory because they want him gone, but if he leaves they have no one to control. Plus they don’t want anything good for him so why not do all they can to prevent him from doing anything he needs that will facilitate him getting the gently caress out of there? Guessing it’s their car he is using to do all these things?
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May 3, 2021 18:59
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Funnily enough when my dad and I had a row last time he was mainly mad because I’m not just like him. He even said he wanted me to be like him in an email. The fact I’m not was a fact that caused him much distress and he told me repeatedly in email (I wasn’t taking his calls, see, and when he said if I didn’t take his calls that he would show up at my house, I told him that should he show up here at my door it won’t go well for him) that I was being disrespectful and not honoring him as my father. Then he would eventually start complaining that I was being so cold and distant to him because, I poo poo you not, I was basically not giving him the reaction I knew he wanted as he hurled accusations and insults at me. Everything I read on issendai has at least a little piece of something he’s done or said; I can read passages or quotes from EPs and think back more often than not to a memory that is a perfect example of what I’d just read.
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May 3, 2021 23:54
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The enablers are every bit as lovely as the abusers.
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May 5, 2021 16:16
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My wife and I were just talking last night about how we are dreading Mother’s Day. We have two kids and if I’m gonna celebrate any mother at this point it’ll be my wife. My mom is a sweet person but we aren’t necessarily close, and she’s passive-aggressive and will never tell you what she really thinks about something; she can seethe for years on something and you’d never know it. She also never knows what she wants for any gift so she gets what she gets. My wife wants to spend Mother’s Day with just us and I’m ridden with anxiety and guilt about the idea of not doing anything with my mom on Sunday. I don’t wanna go out and do anything and it’s so much pressure year after year. If I piss off my mom I’ll never know it until after the fact, could be months or years. My dad was totally blindsided by the divorce. But Father’s Day? gently caress. I dread that more than anything. I don’t look forward to spending time with him really, but I’ll never hear the end of it otherwise.
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May 6, 2021 00:16
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I didn’t watch the clip but is that the, “If you see an rear end in a top hat today, you’ve met an rear end in a top hat. If everyone you meet is an rear end in a top hat, you’re the rear end in a top hat,” bit he does? I really miss that show. E: okay I watched the clip and answered my own question so ignore that but lol Raylan ain’t wrong
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May 8, 2021 02:29
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Oklahoma does have Broken Bow But they have OU also and I don’t care for that
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May 12, 2021 13:39
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The cycle has to stop, and it takes a resilient person to realize that. My dad, for all the negative poo poo in my life I’ve dealt with because of him and all the endless screaming and lectures about my grades in school and the politics and authoritarianism and all that, really did try the best he could. He stopped the cycle of dads walking away, in my family. His dad left him, his two younger brothers, and my grandma to fend for themselves and they grew up dirt poor...my dad didn’t get a chance to really be a kid because he was surrogate dad to his brothers. He definitely has some narcissistic tendencies, but at least he didn’t leave his family. On the flip side, I have a lot of learned behaviors I’ve had to unlearn upon becoming a parent and it’s incredibly hard—I just refuse to be the same parent my dad was, I want to give my two kids the childhood I didn’t have, to give them the chance to be a kid. My had insane expectations of me that were impossible for a child to meet, so when I inevitably didn’t meet them it was less than ideal
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May 15, 2021 01:22
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To our boomer parents, we will never be equals, and will always be subordinate to them, needing their guidance. So if we do or say anything contrary to how they “raised” us, it just becomes a huge thing.
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May 19, 2021 13:33
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Samuel L. Hacksaw posted:That's my inlaws. I haven't seen them without being visibly high in over a year because they have me poo poo about using weed for my lovely shoulder. I was serving in the military and came home on leave one time with tattoos. It didn’t go over well and the rest of the time it was just awkward.
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May 19, 2021 14:04
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nishi koichi posted:abuse; that's the thing to do with your kid when they almost die, right? beat the poo poo out of them and treat them like garbage until they get fed up and leave as an adult? Abuse can take many forms
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May 20, 2021 01:54
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Eh just a few pages ago people were still posting the stories about bad parents. It’s got a good mix and people should be able to post their own accounts too. Also E/N is basically dead
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May 20, 2021 15:55
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Lol my dad has used that Bible verse against me so many times and for such a self-titled Bible scholar he sure forgets the part about not provoking your children to anger (and then blaming them for being angry)
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May 21, 2021 13:45
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StrixNebulosa posted:That's news to me. It's slow but given what it is (a mental health subforum) it'll never have the bounce power GBS does. I mean, I’ve been in there a few times this year and it’s devoid of many new posts from what I can tell. It used to be hopping.
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May 21, 2021 15:09
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BrigadierSensible posted:2)My son, the sweet angel that he always will be, obviously has no part of this. He has no say, no agency, no power in his family or relationship. I bet he is constantly singing my praises and trying his hardest, (bless his sweet boots), to fight against the witch he married and is forced to obey. Or, he’s not doing enough to defend me and does everything she says or wants so he’s betraying his family and most importantly, me! He takes her side all the time and I don’t understand how he could take his wife’s side, the bitch!
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May 22, 2021 00:26
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Literally A Person posted:Hey mom. Don’t you “hey Mom,” me, young [person], not after you let your wife let her mom watch the kids for ten minutes. How could you? That woman is horrible! And what about honoring me?
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May 22, 2021 03:05
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Part of it for me has been rubbernecking but I came here because I had been to the Issendai website before I ever saw this thread and wanted to check it out. I was on that website because of the poo poo I was going through with my dad and that website and this thread made me realize a lot of things about him and my relationship with him. Also, about myself. I grew stronger because of it plus the counseling I’ve been going through the past year and a half. I don’t go to E/N near as much as I did a few years ago and there is much less chance I’d have seen it in there.
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May 22, 2021 03:52
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ghost emoji posted:I’m sitting through Mitchells Vs The Machines and the dad is an estranged parent waiting to happen. And of course it’s framed like he and the daughter are equally at fault, and they both just need to learn from each other. I would not recommend watching it if you’re sensitive to scenes with parents overstepping boundaries. I did almost let my toddler watch that today and then decided a PG rating was a little much for him
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May 23, 2021 03:48
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reignonyourparade posted:That almost seems like... the opposite of which construction of that sentence implies which? "They entered my life" it's all about the speaker. Yeah, “they entered my life,” seems the more narcissistic turn of phrase
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May 25, 2021 00:47
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Breetai posted:I guess I interpreted it as a sort of grandiose "I graced their sad little lives with my presence." I get that, that’s no less valid an interpretation. Overall for whatever reason, I found the whole story one of the more tame ones...a lot of the story saw her appearing somewhat reasonable and that is loving with my head since some other goons are taking issue
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May 25, 2021 03:15
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Yeah parents who fo the guilt thing and act like their kids owe them for existing and make them deal with things much earlier than they should have to instead of being kids, well, that is exceptionally lovely parenting. “Well, I know you didn’t ask for this but here’s the world and it’s harsh and it sucks, you’re welcome for being here now do what I say”
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May 25, 2021 14:47
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Rutibex posted:someone sent all of my posts complaining about boomers to my mother lol. the rejected parents are coming from within the forum Dude is someone seriously doing that?! Gotta be your mom or you’ve been doxxed...right?
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May 27, 2021 14:12
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