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What are DWIL and FMs? I don't think those have been explained in the thread so far.
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Oct 4, 2019 15:02
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trickybiscuits posted:When my 26 yr old Marine Corp son killed himself…his hand written letters to me were full of regret for disappointing ME! He apologized for asking me to help pay for his truck, for not being there for Me when my 20 yr relationship was falling apart, when my business partner embezzled, when his adult sister refused to talk… This is the most hosed up thing. Your son killed himself while apologizing to you and you take that as proof that you were right? And not that "poo poo my son thought I was unhappy with him! Maybe my expectations were wrong, or too high or something!" Nothing gets through to these people, does it?
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Nov 7, 2019 18:32
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Yeah Grimdude if your dad and his family are cool you don't need to feel any guilt about "fairness" or whatever about hanging out with them. We spend like 50x more time with my family over my wife's, mostly because they're nowhere near us, but also because they are just not that nice.
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Nov 10, 2019 22:04
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At this point I admit it: I AM actually deriving pleasure from the misery of these estranged parents. I'm sure their kids aren't and it was only for their own safety that they cut off their parents. But watching from the sidelines I'm like hahahah rot you nasty old lady
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Nov 19, 2019 02:47
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Picnic Princess posted:
This makes sense. You're not only losing the lovely relationship you had with them, but also the hypothetical good relationship that you could have had, or should have had. You are pretty obviously a kind-hearted person and I have to imagine that if they had, like, been struck by lightning and it rewired them to realize how awful they'd been, that if they had made real honest amends and proven over time that they could be trusted, that you could maybe have a better relationship, eventually. I think that distant, faint theoretical hope is normal- maybe, maybe, someday they could change and you could trust them. Giving up that hope hurts. To realize that they're never going to change and be a person you can trust and love. That that is a family relationship you're just never going to have, not even a limited, later-in-life one. About a year ago my wife and I were driving home from my parents place and we were commiserating about how bizarre and incomprehensible and cold my mom is. I was laughing and agreeing, then I was soberly agreeing, then I was quiet, then I just broke down. I remember telling my wife "My mom sucks, ok?". It kinda hit me that I was always going to be a person who has kind of a lovely, troubled childhood, and my mom was never going to be what I needed and wanted and deserved. I'm never gonna to get that. I feel for you, Picnic Princess.
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Dec 10, 2020 20:35
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whydirt posted:My dad texted asking for gift ideas for his grandson (our kid). I replied that I think he’d like some larger wooden blocks like ones I played with as a kid. I understand your frustration! At the very least, magna tiles loving own. Assuming your kid is still the right age, they will love them. Not that that makes it ok for your dad to ask for your opinion, then ignore it.
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Dec 22, 2020 20:12
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John Murdoch posted:The former. We're talking halfway across the country. John Murdoch, you're being abused. You have 2 real options: 1: Plot a successful escape and live a better life elsewhere, free of abuse. There is some (moderate, manageable) risk involved in this. 2: Stay put and be abused. This isn't a "devil you know" situation, you don't have any assurance your treatment won't get worse as your mother's [whatever] progresses. For that matter, people in your situation are sometimes forced out with no notice because their presence becomes too inconvenient. I fear you may be missing out on more than you realize by not having a phone. I would identify that as your highest payoff, lowest cost and lowest risk avenue to start. You mention not having an extensive friend network, which I'm unfortunately not surprised because how could they even talk to you? Get a smartphone if you possibly can (you're socially expected to have one) and put a passcode and/or fingerprint unlock. Your mother is 100% going to try and snoop. Never leave it unlocked and never let it out of your direct physical control. If I became homeless, my phone (or at least A phone) would be the last thing I gave up. I would go barefoot before I relinquished a phone. (I realize it doesn't work like that in real life, I'm just saying). With a phone people can reach you, you can apply to jobs, you can call for help, you can fill out forms, you can apply to schools, you can date. You can establish, build and maintain social relationships with a phone. A phone gives you a permanent digital presence that is in many ways more important than a fixed living address. People live in vans driving all over creation with little difficulty because they can be easily reached via phone, text or email same as anyone else. Do you have $100? If so, go get a phone asap. Make sure you have it set up to check your email(s). Once you have a phone your life will improve. It will make everything else you have to do easier and in some cases possible at all.
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Mar 29, 2021 16:23
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And in case this wasn't clear, do not go on your parents plan. Your phone must absolutely be under your sole control. Your mother is denying you basic privacy now, she will continue to do so via other means if you let her. A phone they control is a bargaining chip for them, not a tool for you.
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Mar 29, 2021 16:34
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Laminar posted:Hello, My father was a butterfly when he was growing up. That was the answer I got my whole life until just a few years ago. "What about when you were little daddy" "I was a butterfly". I saw my paternal grandparents maybe 13 times in my whole life, I'm 36 and they only died last year. My aunts and uncles on that side I've seen maybe 3-5 times. Turns out, my dad had a pretty lovely life growing up, with systematic bullying and abuse out in the world and at home. I wish he had just told us that in an age-appropriate way. It wasn't until I was an adult and very purposefully started digging that I pieced together the truth. Like, it was a long time before I realized the fact that my dad absolutely refused to talk about his upbringing meant that it wasn't just "a painful memory", it was loving torture and he was unwilling and unable to discuss it. However, my father protected me. He protected my siblings. Not having family on that side was the price we (unknowingly) paid to not be abused. My parents certainly have their problems and growing up we went through some poo poo. My mom is a piece of work too lol. But I am really grateful that my father kept us away, literally thousands of miles away, from his abusers. So in response to a direct question from your kid, I would propose a direct, truthful, but age-appropriate answer. "I'm sorry honey, but I can't really talk about when I was little, or about my family growing up. You see, they were bad to me. They hurt me. So when I grew up, I moved away and never spoke to them again." And when they immediately follow up with "how did they hurt you? Was it on purpose?" Or anything like that, you don't go into any more detail. "Honey, I've told you all I can. When you are older and can understand more, I will tell you more, though I probably can't ever say everything that happened". And assure your child that you are ok now, you love them, and this was all a long time ago and they don't need to worry about it, they just need to work on growing up and playing and reading and being friends with other little boys and girls. I'm not a therapist, maybe that's not the generally accepted right answer, but speaking as a child of someone who was in a similar position as you, that's what I wish I had been told. I would say obviously don't give any specifics, and don't go on and on about how awful it was our anything. Just say that it was bad and it's not appropriate to talk about with children and you'll give them more info when they're ready.
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Apr 15, 2021 19:44
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This thing they did without telling me, in secrecy with people told not to tell me? It was to send me a message!
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Apr 20, 2021 17:46
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ElHuevoGrande posted:Just lol on the gender stuff. My mom is deeply, deeply offended that her oldest daughter turned out to be a butch lesbian. Up until around 30, every time I came home I would get the "you could be so pretty if you tried." And "Lets get you a nice dress for [EVENT]." Then eventually she tapered off into passive aggressive "I guess you just don't care how you look." If that woman only knew how much $$$ I've blown on bespoke suits. . .well she'd have something else to feel aggrieved and superior over. I'm tried to figure out the chant and bang cadence HETeroNORMative GENder police I think that one works the best. Do you remember how it went? Somehow it doesn't seem right to put a table-bang in "police". I want this in my pocket if I find myself in your brothers' situation.
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May 19, 2021 17:39
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I'm ready to throw that lady into the fire but splitting a life insurance payout 40% to his 2 kids from first marriage, 40% to his 2 kids from second marriage, and 20% to the spouse seems like a really reasonable spilt. Even if you figure "40% to her two kids" really means "I kept 60%" that's still the first two kids getting a large portion, close to half. I'm glad she stuck with percentages, it's when people refuse to quantify amounts in relation to the total that they're almost certainly trying to hide something. If she'd said "I gave them 50 grand! That's a lot of money!" And it turned out the total amount in question was 3 million, then yeah rear end in a top hat. As it stands, she doesn't seem like someone I'd give the time of day but the money split she describes seems fair. Although maybe it's about the family dynamics? In which case no or limited contact punctuated by a check for a fair percentage seems a drat sight better than most of the stories posted here.
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May 24, 2021 21:12
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nishi koichi posted:nobody with good parents would choose to go without them 
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May 27, 2021 17:53
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They bought the daughter 3 houses by my count during the time the son had massive housing insecurity and couldn't keep a roof over his head, while he was in a stable relationship and taking care of a small child. I almost wonder if this isn't one of the more salvageable estranged parents? She knows that bad things happened to her son and that she let it happen. She denied it at the time but that could change where she can at least admit the truth to herself. The son and dil should still stay away though, this lady is 100% in her daughter's clutches and has demonstrated she has zero capacity for independent action. Her lovely husband that she makes excuses for has been replaced by her lovely daughter she makes excuses for.
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Jun 4, 2021 15:36
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CuwiKhons posted:It's not salvageable unless the mom can miraculously grow a spine and stand up to her daughter, which she won't do because she can't even stand up to her husband when he's dead. I meant salvageable in the sense that most of these estranged parents won't even admit the possibility that they could have been wrong, this op explained in significant detail all the ways he husband and daughter shat on her son and how she didn't do anything about it. quote:Dd sorted everything she was very good she also took charge of my house and finances throwing things out and making decisions. And she has no intention of changing, so yeah the son had every reason to cut her off. He had reasons probably going back to his childhood, things have only gotten worse, and nothing's going to change. He's well rid of them.
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Jun 4, 2021 16:54
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The grandfather could have just showed up, paid his respects, and left. He didn't get chewed out till he wanted to act like a big happy family with someone who'd actively rejected him.
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Jun 14, 2021 18:37
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Eshettar posted:AITA for not giving my son the money I saved for his college fund? At this point I just take everything that these people say as like 5% truth, tops. I bet in reality the mom gloated at not giving the money to the kid. Or that the "little sister" is almost the same age, the "throwing a plate on the ground" was a plate getting knocked off the table, or that it was actually the sister who threw the plate and then blamed it on the brother. The parts of the story I believe: -mom had some money saved -she decided not to give it to the son, who she had promised it to -the son was upset and some of this was directed at the daughter -a plate of food ended up on the ground -the mom is clutching her pearls and fainting at the idea her son is taking it really hard she's yanking away something she'd promised him his whole life Did the daughter or father have anything to do or say about the money going to the daughter instead? Story is silent. How old is the daughter? The story makes her sound like 8 years old but solid chance that's intentional to make the son sound evil for attacking a child. For all we know the late teenage golden daughter has been angling on that money for years and finally got her way.
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Jun 17, 2021 23:40
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Anne Whateley posted:Personally I bet the mom was secretly poisoning the son's food for 20 years because he caught her cheating 10 times and murdered his 3 older siblings and buried them in the basement. Like every mother who posts online, that's just the kind of evil bitch she is. She didn't even mention any of that, the hysterical manipulative liar. You're right, the mother's story as written makes it sound as if she's committed at most a misstep and her son violently flipped out. It's true it's not going on much to insist on keeping her the bad guy. It's just that in general, people who post stories about themselves, unless they're taking pains to be nakedly honest, they tell the story that makes them sounds the best. This can even be unintentional. This lady even in her own rosy story, said she saved up money and promised it to her son, but now has decided to use it for remodeling, or giving to other siblings, or whatever but not him. Then the son has this totally unexplained violent reaction where he alludes to her daughter being the golden child. So we get left with two basic alternatives: 1. This lady made a financial choice and her son, completely out of nowhere and not acting like anyone else in the household, had this violent totally unjustified reaction. For no reason. This behavior is unheard of in that house, he's the only person that's ever thrown a plate. 2. The mom is leaving a lot out of the story. The dad is abusive, the mom is abusive, the son is under a huge amount of stress because the school with a free ride is in a very expensive area and he's still looking at major debt. Giving the money to the daughter was the daughter's idea. Some kind of context where the sons behavior makes sense. People don't do things for no reason- even sudden onset major mental illness is a reason. People act the way they've seen others act. People lash out at people they feel are to blame for their circumstances, or who stand to benefit from their misfortune. This lady's phrasing and the way she talks about the situation stinks of narcissist and abuser. Finally, and we all know this, vicious abuse is so common that these kinds of threads have to take careful measures to keep from turning into a horror-fest. This lady being an abuser or enabler of abuse does not seem statistically unlikely at all.
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Jun 18, 2021 03:23
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indiscriminately posted:A pretty good long one on AskMetafilter: https://ask.metafilter.com/355916/Abusive-parents-as-an-adult It's pretty clear that OP and their parents have wildly different views on the situation. OP sees themself as a valuable family member going through a life transition and they are staying with their folks for a bit while some stuff has time to pan out. Parents see them as [bad stuff I removed because it was so negative I felt like I needed to add a TW]. It's the experience with the brother that crystallizes it- the parents only help people who do every single thing they say. If you deviate from that your deserve what happens to you. They're saints for letting a child stay with them (in their huge empty house). It's textbook boomer: everything they have is theirs, it doesn't matter that people they claim to love are going without. It's fair for them to deny use of resources that are going to waste, because fygm. I really hope that person gets out, fast, and cuts contact utterly. Them putting up with the theft of their stuff from their storage unit paints a scary picture of what abuse they'll quietly swallow.
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Jul 15, 2021 00:55
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Another famous person with lovely parents: Quentin Tarantino. article posted:Quentin Tarantino told the podcast "The Moment" that he stuck to his vow never to give his mom a "penny" of his fortune after she belittled his writing as a child. Good for him.
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Aug 9, 2021 19:58
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Not through official channels I don't think. How large and how bad is your local PD? ACAB, but some are worse than others. You could assess your actual personal risk from the specific local actual officers and see if there is a safe way to make yourself known to at least one. It's possible your local PD is 5 dudes that you could learn the names of. poo poo, maybe the local chief has "open office" hours every friday I don't know. It's worth a look and honest risk assessment. If you have any legal documents between the two of you (RO's, court documents from lawsuits) even if they're old that will go a long ways to backing up your story that the people calling in these wellness checked are just harassing you. If you don't have any legal stuff, there's ways to get some but that's not what you asked. A completely safe thing you could do is learn the insignia the local cops use. Like if they knock on your door you can tell if the person is a corporal or a sergeant and then you can address them by their rank. This is a quick and easy way to put yourself in better footing with them. It might also help to quell your anxiety somewhat to be able to tell them apart. They're not your friends and I'm not saying you can waltz in and get the assurances you need, but there may be ways to talk to them that may give you some level of protection even if only mentally.
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Aug 20, 2021 16:57
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Lieutenant Dan posted:She lives overseas How certain are you of these bullshit wellness checked being called in? If it's only a matter of time till these start coming in over and over again, that ups your level of effort to put into prevention. You don't want to live in fear of a hypothetical.
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Aug 20, 2021 17:09
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Lieutenant Dan posted:Thanks, I think I'll try and give them a heads up somehow (and sorry about your sister being a PoS!). They already came round once last year and were pretty pissed off that I was a late-20's guy oversleeping instead of a missing youth, told me to "call my parents", then left. So it's almost certain to happen again and soon. I'm sorry  Yeah you might want to try calling the non-emergency number and letting them know. You should try to count up every wellness check they've ever called in and give that number to the dispatcher. "Yes, my mom over the years has called in 13 wellness checks whenever she was mad at me. You're probably going to get calls 14, 15, and maybe 16 here pretty soon and I just wanted to give you a heads-up." When you say a number it makes you sound far more credible. People are conditioned to respect numbers. Also you should relate a fact that makes your parents look bad. Like "my mother is diagnosed bipolar but is off her meds" or "she blames me for her divorce even though I was 9". Something true, mind you, but some kind of reason a cop can relate to as why she is untrustworthy. Don't go on and on about what they did to you growing up, just give a reason why they should believe you and not them. The ideal would be any negative action taken towards them by a court since that means the justice system has ruled against them before. If they've filed for bankruptcy 11 times, now is the time to say so.
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Aug 20, 2021 18:17
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Poo In An Alleyway posted:AITA for telling my parents about my sister's plan to join the military? I am so happy and proud for this girl who Got Out. They tried to crush her and lock her down but she pulled off a carefully prepared and timed Master Plan and won. I don't want to imagine the hell she must have been living in.
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Aug 30, 2021 19:43
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mudskipp posted:For yourself; If you find yourself puzzling over why someone would act like that I would suggest reading something rather than thinking about it.. I spent alot of energy trying to understand why my wife's dad would be so horrible but it was a total waste. Seconding this. My siblings and I have wasted so much time trying to figure out our mom and why she sucks so bad. In the end it doesn't matter, all that matters is what contact we choose to have with her. I have the best relationship with her of all my siblings and that is directly tied to me spending loving zero time thinking about what she'll think, or say, or do, or what the hell is wrong with her. I was talking with my brother about decorating my living room and he made a remark like "or paint it black, mom would love that haha". I stopped and thought and her reaction had never crossed my mind. It was like someone had made a remark about what the queen of sweden would think. Why would I care about that, it's my house? Treat harmful people like a black box that emits abuse. All that matters is how to avoid it and protect yourself from it, no point trying to figure out if a wizard cursed it or it had a bad childhood or whatever. Just get that thing the gently caress away from you.
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Sep 7, 2021 20:51
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Picnic Princess posted:Feeling well now, it seems a bit absurd looking back at my darker times, because one of the driving forces stopping me was not wanting to prove people right. I decided to live defiantly, and out of spite. Clearly not healthy, but I wouldn't be here otherwise. I am glad that you found a reason to keep trying, whatever it was.
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Nov 13, 2021 03:32
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