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RoboRodent posted:I have an ongoing goal that once I'm more settled in my life (as opposed to living in a bachelor suite while I go to school in my thirties, lol) to look into becoming a foster parent. This is something I feel pretty strongly about. I want to do this. I'm not ever going to have kids of my own, between a deformed uterus and being pretty gay and also pretty chronically single, but i could be a good home for kids who need it for a while. The main thing is to understand that you are there to meet the kids needs. The kid isn't there to meet your needs, and they won't. They won't be happy they are safe and the abuse has stopped, they will be (rightfully) angry and resentful that the abuse ever happened, and they'll take it out on whoever is around. It will take a long time to trust you, and they will test you and push your buttons trying to figure out what is 'wrong' with you and what you're hiding, and if you're going to suddenly turn into an abusive gently caress and/or abandon them like the other adults who've let them down. If you've spent your life being told you're worthless, then it's obvious anyone taking you in must have something wrong with them or have an ulterior motive. It can take years of care and therapy for a damaged kid to be able to have normal human relationships. Eventually the kid may see you as the only adult who ever gave a gently caress about them, but it takes a good long while down a hard road to get there. You can do a lot of good, but it's not easy. (My mom was a foster parent for troubled teens when I was a kid, she'd been abused in foster care herself and wanted to be able to be home with me. She also took a one year program special needs childcare at college before becoming a special care parent. So I grew up around teenagers whose next option was juvie, because nobody wanted them. Kids with less dire pasts are probably a little easier to deal with. Probably.)
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Sep 1, 2019 06:30
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Nettle Soup posted:Doesn't everyone get that? Lying in bed at night beating yourself up over stupid irrelevant poo poo that happened a week or a month or a year ago. Not even bad moments, poo poo that seemed fine at the time but you regret in hindsight. Brains are dumb, and I guess the difference is beating yourself up over it, rather than others... Having thoughts and feelings is normal. Throwing a tantrum is not. If you got so mad at yourself that you got out of bed and punched a hole in the wall that would be bad even if no one but you gets hurt.
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Sep 3, 2019 11:37
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trickybiscuits posted:But it's Olive Garden! What are they supposed to do, go someplace that serves food they're not 100% used to that might have actual flavor? Someplace unfamiliar? A NON-CHAIN RESTAURANT?!! Status. Living in a prestigious neighbourhood is high status, even if you never go outside. Plus it makes your children even more wrong when they aren't eager and grateful to stay in your resort community.
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Sep 11, 2019 01:26
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Gable Oak posted:News story about horrific child abuse? The comment section is the perfect time to tell us how you're the real victim and your estranged kids lied about all the abuse. That seems like a really bad story to make your "kids lie" stand. Kid claims she was denied food, parent claims she refused to eat. Kid leaves parent's care and immediately gains 20 pounds in a month. Hmm, who could be telling the truth?
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Sep 18, 2019 03:56
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I would blow Dane Cook posted:That's another thing that bothers me about the estranged parents forums. The OP will start a thread and then all the replies will segue (often in the first sentence) into the replier's own story of their estranged children, with no effort made to comment on the OP's situation. Let me tell you how your story makes me feel. MMMMEEEEEEE
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Sep 18, 2019 04:35
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Antivehicular posted:I know I and others have said it before, but I cannot get over how many of these people think that their child developing into an adult, with adult relationships and their own household, is estrangement and cruelty. I can only assume there's no book like this about sons-in-law because the primary audience is women who have been socialized to attack other women in this kind of family conflict. If you think your son-in-law is vicious, controlling and toxic, that he's the one solely responsible for keeping your precious daughter away, then you probably assume he's abusive as well. Your daughter hasn't estranged you, she's a victim of spousal abuse. Look right here in this book it talks about abusers isolating their victims, just like what happened with my daughter!
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Sep 21, 2019 02:05
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Maneck posted:A classic example of a poster who has the intelligence to put the pieces together and then rejects the obvious conclusion. "Could it be that people will resent me forcing them to spend thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours fighting me in court? Will this child who has been forced to interrupt its life to come spend time with me or be in contempt of court - may resent me? No. Clearly the system is broken for not making the child love me." And even if the estranged kids are living saints who never said a cross word about grandma ever, their kids are not completely oblivious and will figure out this is the lady who has been stressing mom out and making our money problems worse. Though I suppose the grandparent also tries to blame that on their kid. If she'd only given me what I wanted I wouldn't have been forced to make her spend all this money and stress fighting me.
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Sep 22, 2019 02:31
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trickybiscuits posted:
That is such an odd turn of phrase. "Wonderful times I've provided for them". Not wonderful times we had together. Apparently moms can be "nice guys" too. Insert kindness tokens -> receive love.
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Sep 30, 2019 02:23
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RoboRodent posted:So this woman has been sat down and had it explained to her that her daughter is brain damaged and could use some extra support and love in order to get her life sorted out, but that interferes with her ability to blame her daughter for everything, so it must be a lie. Yeah, that seemed weird to me. Here you have an excuse on a silver platter for why your kid being a gently caress up isn't in any way your fault. You'd think most of the estranged parents would love that. But for this lady that isn't enough, it must be the child's fault.
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Oct 14, 2019 22:45
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Clitch posted:It really is. Facebook is effectively the sunglasses from They Live. It's good to know who the terrible people are in your life. It's unhealthy to get constant reminders and updates on your phone. Ew, on the phone? Uninstall that app, for sure. If you want to keep up with people on facebook just check in once a day on your laptop or whatever. Nobody needs their facebook aunts dinging their phone all day.
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Oct 31, 2019 20:18
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trickybiscuits posted:Issendai.com suggested that this is the parents thinking about how wonderful things were before their children hit about 6 or 8 years old- old enough to have their own ideas and preferences and to say no and stand up to their parents. Check the last paragraph quote:It has been three years since the cut off, and for a while I did think of ending my life. But I know that would only complicate things for my youngest even further, even if we never meet, as adopted children often have questions about their origins and whether they were wanted. If the story were true that would mean that in the first post the child was already at least 2 years old. She also talks about being in contact with the oldest "yesterday" but in the second post the oldest is the one who took the baby 3 years ago. Troll or total break from reality? 
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Dec 11, 2019 00:37
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Relentless posted:As someone who hosted a sleepover for several nieces and nephews this weekend, let me fill you in on some other things that can elicit a 4 or 5 year old tearing off an article of clothing and full on blubber crying: When I was that age I'd cry when Mr. Rogers was over. Every day. For months. Still stand by it tho. Your day is only gonna get worse once Mr. Rogers is over.
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Dec 23, 2019 19:24
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MAKE NO BABBYS posted:Can someone tell me what the gently caress just happened there? I cannot read that My guess is trying to type on a smart phone and being really bad at it.
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Dec 31, 2019 21:10
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Why would you sign over your company to someone no more than 23? The home too. I guess if you wanted to secure assets in case of emergency or death you could make them partners, but just signing over everything you own is hella weird.
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Jan 25, 2020 11:34
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Peeps who get along with their parents but don't know what to talk about on the phone: the answer is in the good old fw:fw:fw. Go to the funny pictures thread, the cute thread, the OSHA thread or whatever and find some pictures your mom or dad will like. Send a few to her on facebook, or if you and your mom are both smartphone savvy you can send them to her during the phone call. Now you can talk about the cute, funny, or dumb thing in the pictures. Here's a few I sent my mom this week to get you started.  Haha, that's just like [our dog]!  What a dumbass!  Does your dad like dad jokes?  This one opens up a whole conversation tree about that story they saw about rescue dogs. Everyone has seen a story about rescue dogs.  If your mom is real boring and doesn't share your sense of humor maybe she will like something pretty from the bird pictures thread. And then you talk about it and have a laugh and everybody ends the call feeling like it was a good call even though you talked about nothing.  Note: this probably won't work if your parents are narcissistic assholes or whatever because they would just look for hidden meanings or something. But if they are okay normal people who are just boring or you have nothing in common with, then funny/cute pictures can give you something safe to talk about for a few minutes.
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Feb 23, 2020 11:45
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Tunicate posted:In the south, being part cherokee was understood as the way you justified it when your kids ended up looking a bit too dissimilar to their dad or if you were a little too "swarthy" to be white. That seems like it would be more a thing with 1/32 than 1/8 though. If you're 1/8 your grandparent was 1/2, and they should surely have clear memories of their pure blood cherokee parent, 2 pure blood cherokee grandparents, and various cherokee cousins. I'm 1/8 Cree and I clearly remember my 1/2 Cree grandmother even though she died when I was 12. Her deadbeat dad was white, but she looked Cree, she sounded Cree, she spoke some Cree, and her family was Cree. There was no possibility that she might have been faking it and actually been 100% white. 
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Apr 12, 2020 06:34
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Strong Convections posted:Her kids fought all the time and the brother got braces which upset the siblings. The brother also had Autism. Even in a functional family a kid with serious disabilities is going to get more attention and care than the other kids, and the other kids are going to resent it. Other kids in the family may be expected to give up some of their own free time and "normal childhood" to help care for the disabled sibling. Have their own problems and pain brushed aside as trivial compared to that of a disabled child. If he was profoundly disabled he could completely monopolize the parents attention. OTOH he could have been very high functioning. I have trouble picturing the low functioning types tolerating braces. So catering to his special needs could look a lot like a kid who is just a spoiled brat who gets everything he wants to the other kids. When he loses control of his emotions it's called an autistic meltdown and he gets care, but when the other kids behave in the exact same way it's called a temper tantrum and they get yelled at. It is going to feel unfair. If the parents are crap to begin with, then the extra stress of a disabled child is just going to make everything worse.
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Apr 13, 2020 06:14
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Biplane posted:Do old people not know how to write? Maybe she posts via speech-to-text? I dunno.
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Jun 4, 2020 22:33
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Dirt Road Junglist posted:It sounds like the forums are about to force their creator to become an estranged parent. Going out for cigarettes one last time.
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Jun 26, 2020 02:36
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Eshettar posted:I'll just go ahead and leave this here. Seems like an appropriate place for it. Geez what is it with peanut gallery goons calling FAKE. Like if you read a story and at the end the author said "haha fooled you!" you'd have to commit seppuku?
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Aug 24, 2020 00:50
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Literally A Person posted:Is this like some sick revenge fantasy or something??? Like a see-you-in-hell type of situation??? I'm not being selfish, no, I'm actually concerned our heavenly father will torture my baby for eternity if she doesn't honour me enough. Why oh why won't she bend the knee to save herself? I'm not sure why she thinks it has to happen before her own death though. It's probably easier to honour your parents once they are dead. Just drop off flowers at the grave, boom, honoured.
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Aug 27, 2020 01:23
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Soylent Pudding posted:Yeah there is definitely a strain of interpretation in the Abrahamic faiths that basically portrays God as an abusive father. It shouldn't be surprising that those who put great stock in respecting certain sources of authority would latch on to that view. 
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Aug 27, 2020 23:50
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Devonaut posted:This is one of those things where everyone checks all the boxes right? Like a fortune teller who gives you generic statements but it's designed to feel personal? Nope. The only one my mom had was maybe the inconsistent sometimes wise/sometimes unreasonable one to some degree. I think nearly everyone could get that box, in that nobody is a perfectly consistent robot. Plus these evaluations are being done by children or childhood memories, and what a kid thinks is "unreasonable" might not be totally unreasonable. Don't get me wrong, my mom had problems too, just not those particular problems.
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Sep 8, 2020 05:20
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Beachcomber posted:he was jealous because he couldn't afford to go So if you do well he's jealous, and if you do poorly he's ashamed, and either way his mental illness is your fault?  Alternate hypothesis: your dad, your brother and you all have struggles with mental illness because a tendency toward certain traits that are maladaptive in the current setting runs in your family. It's not your fault. It's not anybody's fault.
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Sep 13, 2020 03:53
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StrangersInTheNight posted:freud is such poo poo, and yet in a complete surprise, the framing of freudian psychoanalysis (putting me laying back in a chair/in bed staring at the ceiling as i talk about everything and nothing, several times a week or as often as needed to wear yourself out) has been the most effective therapy for my MDD/anxiety disorder combo. i guess a stopped click is right twice a day, etc etc. Anybody trying to map out a new way to think about things is going to have some hits and misses. He didn't have a teacher. He started with things like "this person's numb hand doesn't make sense neurologically, maybe it's not really a neurological problem?" and felt his way along. Cheers to him for not falling back on "maybe it's demons idk".
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Sep 28, 2020 20:52
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Gnoman posted:Most of Freud's "theories" were preconceptions. His notion that sex was at the root of everything was a hobbyhorse before he did any real study, much of his papers are based on therapy sessions that provably never happened, and the sessions he did do were almost invariably with very sexually repressed people. All of that is true. His accomplishment is setting up psychology as a science at all, so 50 years later the third generation psychologists could start getting things right. Without psychology your options were a neurologist for brain problems or religious councillor for emotional problems. I doubt we'd be in a better position today if counselling had remained mainly the job of ministers and bartenders. Ministers and bartenders do work well for some people, but they have a limited range of solutions to offer.
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Sep 28, 2020 23:51
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I remember a story from college told alongside the famous tale of Phineas Gage of a person who complained of headaches and was found to have a nail (I think?) sticking out of their head. Like really obviously sticking out of they head. They had an accident that resulted in a foreign object piercing their brain in just the right way that the nail in their head prevented them from noticing the nail in their head. They could notice the symptom of persistent headaches, but not the obvious cause of a nail protruding from their skull. (Unfortunately google couldn't find this story for me, because there are sooooo many stories of dudes turning up with nails and rods through their heads. It just keeps happening.) I think sometimes personality disorders are a lot like that nail. The personality disorder in their brain prevents them from seeing the personality disorder in their brain. They can see the symptom that almost all of their relationships keep turning to poo poo, but since they can't hold the idea that they have a problem in their minds, they instead come up with the reasonable explanation that everyone around them is crazy or mean.
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Oct 2, 2020 05:07
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Mx. posted:and the point they derive from this is: Well, yeah, but it's also true. As long as the parent wasn't breaking bones lot of the community and the courts wouldn't consider anything less to be abuse. Just like all the dudes running hollywood casting couches for 50 years didn't consider themselves sex pests, they just thought it was one of the perfectly normal perks of the job. Society told them what they were doing was okay. Of course people doing lovely things in an environment that told them it was okay were still doing lovely things. It's just an uphill road to get them to understand that they were wrong when they genuinely think they were doing the right things. Especially if they were "in their cups" and don't really remember everything that happened. Or if they have a mental illness or personality disorder that distorts their memories and experiences. Even in 1985 parenting guidance would advise "frazzled dads" not to mete out punishment or discipline while "frazzled". Rage monsters hitting their kids was never a good look.
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Oct 25, 2020 02:35
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MAKE NO BABBYS posted:it's because their brains are literally lead poisoned. Ehhhhhh. If it's brain damage then they are disabled and we should stop making fun of them. It's rude to be angry at people for their disabilities.
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Oct 29, 2020 00:22
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PetraCore posted:Yes, I oversimplified quite a bit. I suppose I feel like the lead is something a lot of people would use as an excuse to minimize the damage they've caused, when regardless of the factors going in damage is damage and pain is pain. I'm also a bit touchy because I feel like 'these people are disconnected, abusive parents in part because of literal brain damage' also feels to me like it sort of clips (other) people with brain damage in the crossfire. I don't think anyone in this thread was being minimizing or dismissive except for maybe me, but I kneejerk reacted a bit. Yes, pain is pain. Not trying to minimize that at all. If your parent was hopelessly broken before you were born there is no point in you, as an adult, to continue feeling bad about that. It is entirely possible that due to being hopelessly broken they should never even have tried to be parents, but they could not comprehend that because they were hopelessly broken before you were born. Cut them out of your life if you need to. Grieve the parents you wish you had gotten instead. When you are ready let go of the anger, resentment, and bitterness -- not for them, they are hopelessly broken and won't understand either way -- but for yourself, because carrying that burden harms you. If as a kid your dad was a paraplegic you might resent that he can't do the things other dads do. There is a bunch of normal dad stuff you totally deserved that he wasn't able to provide for you. But as an adult with an adult mind you can release that burden of resentment and guilt because you understand he didn't chose to be paralyzed and was unable to fix it. If your parent was hopelessly broken in less visible ways it's still basically the same thing. Lead poisoning, abuse, brain damage, addiction, or whatever it was that broke them, they were broken. They couldn't fix themselves. And that's not your problem.
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Oct 31, 2020 01:32
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Picnic Princess posted:Death makes people think the person who's gone suddenly deserves to be respected, it's a strange cultural tradition to me. Call me cold, but I have never felt that way about anyone terrible after they passed. Death lets you mourn the person you wish they had been. With an EX when you first met you thought this was a person worth loving and marrying, and it turned out they were a garbage person, but you can still mourn the illusion you fell in love with. With a parent or other significant relative you were dependant on as a small child, you wired to love them and they let you down over and over. But there might still be a little piece of you that hung on to hope for a long time that eventually that person would apologise: it's all my fault, you deserved better, I love you so much -- when they die that fantasy is lost. There was no redemption story. You never got to take off Vader's helmet and find the spark of goodness deep inside. And that's sad.
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Nov 4, 2020 00:41
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 Even rats will think you are a jerk if you eat all the chocolate chips while your sister suffers.
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Nov 8, 2020 03:15
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Plus there is no guarantee that someone who chooses to go into the therapy industry is themselves a well-adjusted, empathetic person.
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Nov 21, 2020 19:55
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BrigadierSensible posted:Re: The Australian sun. Isn't most of Australia an arid wasteland? but it's a dry heat
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Nov 28, 2020 06:09
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Baron Zephyrus posted:My dad wanted to marry my mom before he was deployed (Desert Storm, iirc), but his priest wouldn't do it. But then apparently told them "but if she's pregnant, I'll marry you tomorrow." Because he didn't want them to rush into marriage, but god loving forbid a kid be born out of wedlock. I still haven't gotten a proper story as to how they did actually marry, just that dad's priest wouldn't do it. Yeah, that sounds normal to me. Some churches if you want to get married there you need to do a few sessions of pre-marriage couples counseling. Presumably to discuss your values, how many kids do you want, how are you going to raise them, money, in-laws, etc. Things people deeply, passionately in horny may not think about, where a fundamental mismatch can set you up for an inevitable divorce. If you're pregnant and keeping it you're already legally and financially entwined for the next 20 years so you might as well get a quickie wedding to make it respectable. But if there's no emergency and you just don't want to do the mandatory counselling thing they go all "our roof, our rules".
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Dec 20, 2020 03:39
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BrigadierSensible posted:The mum is in no way the arsehole in that situation. It is the grandma is full on in the wrong. Also , the mum has done the right thing by setting hard clear rules, (treat both your grandkids the same), and giving consequences. She's been raising the kid since he was 1. Biomom is out of the picture, so she's basically the only mom that kid has ever known. And she adopted him so he's not even her stepson, he's just her son. In every way that matters that boy is her son. Treating him the same as her other kid is just normal and human. Treating your daughter's stepson that way would be lovely. Treating her adopted son that way is monstrous.
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Dec 24, 2020 01:57
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BrigadierSensible posted:What do these arsehole parents who call their kids "abusive" for not visiting actually want from those visits? In addition to the options others have said, for some they don't want a real visit, they want an imaginary visit where everyone gets along and has a great time. They aren't imagining a visit where they get to berate and abuse their children, they are imaging a visit that looks like a hallmark card. A visit where all past hurts have been forgiven. Where the children are grateful and loving. Where the parents can be proud because the kids have finally given up on the nonsense and gotten their lives together. Where the parent can offer a word of gentle correction and it won't start a fight, instead the kid will respond something like "You know what mom, you're right. You were always right. Sorry for being so much trouble growing up, you were a great parent and I am so grateful I had you". All the bad things will melt away like magic. Of course the visit of their daydreams can never happen, because as soon as you are in the same room their own emotions and patterns will get in the way.
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Jan 5, 2021 05:45
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Miss Broccoli posted:That bean dad poo poo is wild He has apologised and claimed it was all a bit, the child had plenty of pistachios to eat and was not hungry. http://www.johnroderick.com/an-apology
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Jan 5, 2021 14:14
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13Pandora13 posted:Eagerly awaiting any of the Q Anon paedo conspiracy ring enthusiasts to actually do something about this actual possession of child pornography very possibly being used for revenge porn. They all gonna turn into this lady, "there's a difference between a minor and a child." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miLykB4sRok
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Jan 27, 2021 01:03
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Lemniscate Blue posted:I feel like if I watch that I'll end up on some kind of list. Yes, the list of people who want bad things to happen to Lady Colin Campbell.
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Jan 27, 2021 01:23
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