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Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Literally A Person posted:

Can we just say this is absolutely the weirdest poo poo. That one lady's story in which she thinks her son transitioned because of his hatred of women and that is somehow related to her is like . The narcissism was powerful in that one.

This (and the quoted joke post) actually helped me figure out how my narcissistic mom thinks! She's convinced that everyone (coworkers, my girlfriend, my extended family) calls me a man because they're trying to hurt her, and that I transitioned to male entirely out of spite and hatred for women. She thinks I hate all women because I dislike her. I, uh.... I only really talk to my dad these days.

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Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Goddamn, I read a bunch of this thread and seeing goons react appropriately to people's parents being shitlords is really, really edifying. I had a mom who thinks every single thing I do is a personal attack on her, she would call me a slut if I had guy friends, used to throw trash at me when my room wasn't clean, told me a lot of people who were my friend only wanted to gently caress me, and, as an adult, thinks I have tattoos and am gay/trans SPECIFICALLY TO SPITE HER. I'm almost 30, she's 100% going to show up to my wedding and call me a woman and make fun of my wife and cause a huge fuss. The worst part is, my dad is the sweetest kindest man, and wasn't around a lot when I was a kid, but he's still married to her, and I can't talk to him without her freaking out. She used to yell and punish me if I got too close to my dad cause it's "not fair that I like him more". When I was like, 6.

It's good to see that poo poo isn't normal. Maybe I should go back to therapy. I have C-PTSD from a non-parent series of incidents, and my mom says I made it up just to spite her.... despite taking meds for it since I was 16. She's also recently taken to pretending/believing that I chose my current career (that's going really well, thank god) because she thinks she "inspired" me. Which is insane. I've wanted to do this job since before I could talk. Like, my earliest memories were of doing this thing. My dad remembers me wanting to do this thing since I was a baby. My mom just... invented the fact that she thinks I'm doing this because of her, not because it's my lifelong dream. When I disagree, she insults my job, manager/boss, workplace, and says horrible poo poo about my career. Whenever I'm on the phone telling my dad good news, she's there to say outlandish, insulting things ("how do you know your job is real and it's not a trick"????).

Anyway I visited for Christmas and she made fun of Native American land rights at the dinner table shouting loudly and waving her hands in the air like Trump mocking that reporter, and when I started to get upset she made fun of me and said, I poo poo you not, "If you love them so much why don't you be with them"

What the hell. How am I gonna invite my dad into my life without this screaming racist harpy woman telling me everyone hates me and is lying and all my personal choices aren't actually choices and my life, career, future wife, physical appearance, and lifestyle are all 100% to spite her. For 30 years.

Lieutenant Dan fucked around with this message at 12:38 on Nov 7, 2020

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


number 1 snake fan posted:

Are you me???? Bc goddamn this is like looking into a mirror

Where are these moms coming from??

Beachcomber posted:

So can you get me a job at the Chewing on Things Factory, or...?

Sadly I dropped out of Chewing Things school but I can get you in good with Scribbling on the Walls

Thanks for all the empathy, yall, especially the bit about only having the people you actually WANT at your wedding. I think I'm gonna talk to my dad about like, just not inviting her.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


BrigadierSensible posted:

I agree. Also note that they don't say why the kids are mad at them, (apart from the daughter calling them out on their homophobia).

What I read is that these parents are always going on about "You could have been a lawyer, you were so bright in highschool. You were such a handsome boy, but now you are fat and marrried to someone we disapprove of. A barista? You had so much potential." And whilst they say they never offered money, I bet they do all the time in passive and condescending ways. Coz their big idea is to buy stuff for their kids, who seem to be doing OK and living, whilst not luxurious, but normal lives.

My mom does this, I've gotten the "you used to be so happy and you excelled" speech a gazillion times, which is nuts because I was so balls-to-the-wall crazy as a teenager I ended up being admitted to the ol' psych ward and almost failed high school. Which she conveniently forgets, and also blames me for She likes to passive-aggressively offer to buy me dresses (I'm a trans dude and have been out of the closet for more than ten years).

The problem is, I'm doing really well/normal as an adult, I have an awesome job in my field and a graduate degree and Sleep In A Big Bed With My (future) Wife, but she literally ignores/"forgets" this stuff so she can repeat her weird little narrative. Like, I'll be telling a fun work story to my family, then she'll interrupt with "Job? What job? You don't have a job", then I'll have to remind her that I DO have a job (???). She keeps telling me to apply for COVID unemployment but I keep telling her I can't, because I'm loving employed (???????). I actually got a little worried about her and talked to my dad about her possibly *actually* losing her poo poo/early-onset alzheimer's type stuff, but he seems pretty convinced she's just being a dick or not listening to me when I talk. I'm kind of unsure about that, though.

Thanks for listening to my poo poo, goons. I hope you're all having an awesome week so far.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


I had this whole thing typed out on my previous post but I chickened out and thought it was too heavy for the thread, but y'all are good people, so here I am again!

I wanted to thank you guys cause I spoke to my dad about, basically, how I'm not going to involve my mom in my life if she keeps spouting crazy bullshit and yelling at me in public, etc etc, and he didn't seem SUPER fussed ("you know how she is" and all), but it seemed to actually make a difference! I have this big stupid tumor that makes me unable to have kids (I'll get a miscarriage or die, essentially). Luckily, I'm trans and my future-wife is a lady, so we literally cannot make any babbys. My mom likes to repeatedly make me explain why, and keeps demanding I explain what would happen in increasingly creepy hypothetical scenarios ("what if you 'change your mind' and have sex with men and then that man, who is not your wife, gets you pregnant???"). She doesn't seem to understand why repeatedly explaining miscarriages based on extra-marital male sexual assault would be upsetting to me. I keep telling her I date women and women literally cannot knock me up, but she keeps shouting and shouting (over the speakerphone, while I'm trying to talk to my dad) about what would happen if a guy has sex in my tumor surgery hole and all the ways I cannot carry that baby to term. It's loving disgusting, luckily my dad seemed to finally snap and told her to can it. I think they argued for a bit, since then my dad has shut her down every time she tries to edge in. I don't really care about not having kids (Mrs. Lieutenant Dan and I would like to adopt one day) but I think something about my mom's demanding I explain infertility, miscarriages, gay sexual assault, my own death, and my wife's genitals finally broke my dad, and he hasn't let her edge in on our phone calls/contact since.

So, uh, a happy-ish ending and I think he understands why I don't want her at my wedding. I've been thinking about miscarriages and sexual assault all week and am now worried that a random penis-haver will have sex with me for no reason. I feel like I'm 16. I am going to see about getting my dad a headset so he can hear me over the phone without my mom finding out he's talking to me and yelling from across the apartment. I still have hope he can be a great dad, he's a good guy and has made genuine changes over the last few years.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Thanks for all the encouragement & kindness on the last page yall I'm hoping things continue on the up and up, too (though talking myself out of "it's all going to go horribly wrong!" can be hard, haha).

As for avoiding family on Christmas have you considered moving across the country and switching religions? Now I only have to buy presents for Ladytenant Dan and get to smoke weed and pet the cat all day. (Serious answer: Maybe try cutting down on the actual Christmas hours, bring your laptop or work stuff and make out like you just have SO MUCH TO DO and it just SUCKS to have to work on CHRISTMAS, as you return to your room to enjoy your holiday in peace).

I'm the kind of guy who likes random weird poo poo gifted to me, though, I still treasure the time my cousin gave me a nice cast-iron casserole dish and actually like getting socks, as someone who hates buying socks

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


That passive-aggressive gift recieving is such bullshit, I'm sorry your mom pulls that on you (especially bringing poo poo up ten years later). Nothing will be the "right" gift for her and no matter what there will be some flaw for *her*, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a GOOD gift, yanno? I would've been delighted to get a box of choccos, and I think a lot of folks would be, too.

I haven't ever gotten my own mom a Christmas gift that wasn't just paying for dinner, I'm honestly a bit scared to.

Lieutenant Dan fucked around with this message at 13:54 on Dec 22, 2020

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


FogHelmut posted:

Anyone else's parents download or screenshot your Facebook photos and then repost them on their own page?

I have a semi-public-facing job and my mom would pull photos of me off of the internet to post as her own. I have no idea why, and I have no idea why I hate it so much.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Ghost Leviathan posted:

There's a point where you're so used to walking on eggshells you just give up and learn to endure the tantrums.

This is very true, at some point I figured my mom was going to throw a fit no matter what I said or did, so it's just like weathering a storm in a boat. It'll go away, just gotta remember to hang on to your boat.

Not-so-stealth edit: I went and ordered that book you guys were talking about, "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents", and told Future Mrs Dan about it. She was happy for me and said "your mom can NEVER find out about that book, or she'll loving kill you" and then we just burst into laughter because the dramatic trailing-off of that sentence is exactly why I bought that book.

Lieutenant Dan fucked around with this message at 14:11 on Dec 30, 2020

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


ghost emoji posted:

The guy who does the lovely MBMBAM theme is getting torn apart on twitter for telling a “cute” story about making his hungry kid go without food for six hours as some sort of teachable experience.

https://twitter.com/johnroderick/status/1345508384011816960?s=21

The whole story is pretty horrifying, and written in a very obnoxious “I think I’m Terry Pratchett” way, but at least most of the comments are calling him out.

And of course he keeps backing down with some very familiar woe-is-me justifications:


https://twitter.com/johnroderick/status/1345508399488778260

I hate this guy. Just imagining him smugly telling his daughter about how a can opener works while she's upset and hungry. Also fuckin baked beans this is your solution? My dad showed me how to use a can opener when I was small and I'm pretty sure he was like "This is how you clamp on the can. Now you turn the handle. Now we hook the lid out." and it took all of five loving minutes, instead of laughing at me with as I go hypoglycemic (that's more of my mom's thing)

I guarantee the thing the daughter learned during this "teachable experience" is "Dad will not help you"

MEGA EDIT!: I noticed he said the beans were the only thing in the house, which is presumably why he didn't teach her to make, like, toast. Or give her an apple or something. I don't know, I developed an eating disorder as a youngin due to fear so I'm projecting a little but I hope this girl doesn't grow up thinking food has to be a big deal or a scary thing.

Lieutenant Dan fucked around with this message at 13:08 on Jan 3, 2021

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


I hope he doesn't verbalize that if only his daughter would've opened the beans in the first place she wouldn't have caused his life to unravel, as is tradition for lovely parents

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


You are all wonderful and supportive and nice people and I hope you get everything your hearts desire in 2021. It's been nice knowing I'm not alone and all.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


There's a part in Bean Dad where the little girl starts to go hypoglycemic (spelling? mods??), literally saying "my brain is fuzzy and I can't think good" and he loving tells her to "think with her hands", objectively a dumb and dangerous thing. If this girl decides to work an assembly line or heavy machinery or something she might think pressing forward is better than taking a break or eating a snack and end up injuring someone. It makes me want to punch the dude. It's hard enough being food insecure in college and poo poo but purposefully telling your daughter this is normal is cruel. Also loving pistachios is not lunch

Also, baked beans are loving delicious, Bean Dad has tainted them for me. Baked beans on toast or rice is pretty tasty

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Picnic Princess posted:

Grandparents who are all like "that's MY child" really bother me on a whole different level

I am absolutely terrified to adopt a kid one day because I think my mom would just... take him. Like invite for a "grandma" holiday in my home country and never let him come back.

Edit: Somewhat thanks to this thread I now have a journal! I've just been pasting pictures in it like I'm 13 again. I never really got to do this, but it's cause my ex used to read my diary, not my parents, but eh, it's still very nice to have something all my own!

Lieutenant Dan fucked around with this message at 13:07 on Jan 16, 2021

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


ElHuevoGrande posted:

I've read that kids with poo poo families who have examples of what normal humans look and act like end up doing much better across the board. You probably helped that boy out just by being kind.

This is very true, I'm glad that kid has you as a neighbor, Literally A Person! I think you're doing the right thing, thank you for caring about him.




I did something extremely stupid, I'm short on cash due to the ongoing pandemic and my mom offered to hire me for [my job]. I told her I bill hourly and somehow within the phone call she'd talked me into doing 3x the work for one billable hour (mostly yelling that she refuses to pay for more than one hour, but I have to do everything she says even if it takes longer). There's no way in hell I'm ever going to introduce her to my coworkers/team so I'm just doing this whole thing myself. Normally there's a formal process to invoice people but I've gone through extreme lengths to make sure my mom doesn't have the emails of anyone I work with, and she just keeps yelling she doesn't want me to pay taxes on whatever she pays me because "she already paid taxes on it". I am a dumb dumb and as soon as I got home Future Mrs Dan suggested she take up an extra shift instead of me doing... this. (She is a saint and absolutely doesn't have to, but I very much appreciate the thought). I just can't believe I got sucked into this dumb vortex. I'm still wondering if I should take the contract because like.... I need to eat food and buy medication and I went through this poo poo as a kid TO GET food & meds so why is this any different as an adult? Except getting underpaid and cutting into my work hours of course. This story sounds pretty dumb if you don't consider I have a terrifying hellmom who tried to take my passport away and trap me in a foreign country when I tried to go back to college. I think I'm worried it's still dumb and I should suck it up, albeit like, actually billing her properly?

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Biplane posted:

Work for exactly one hour and then tell her to gently caress off.

I think this is exactly what I'm gonna do.


Haulin Oates posted:

I'm not going to lie: I'm really grateful that my mother is dead. Dying was the best thing she could've done, in fact. Realistically, I mean: she was never going to be anything but a danger to my physical and mental health. I don't know how you guys in contact with your still-living nightmare parents manage.

I have to talk to my nightmare mom if I want to keep talking to my non-nightmare dad I just don't want to lose two parents when one of them is pretty good.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Picnic Princess posted:

She needs to get off Reddit and leave this fuckin minute

Absolutely, she's got a good window for escape, take your pets/homework and leave while it's still good!

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


I very literally see you as a doll, so much so that I have purchased one

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


My mom's a centrist 80s Style Business Feminist and she has weaponized every aspect of that in her day to day bullshit, like screaming "how can I be homophobic?! My roommate was gay and I never cared what he did" whilst misgendering me and insisting I actually like men

Update on my bad idea of taking on my mom as one of my clients, she called me during work hours to scream for an hour and a half, so I told her I can't take her job because of the screaming, so she screamed some more about how I'm only doing this specifically to hurt her. Then she told me to drop all my other clients to only work on her stuff. Then she told me all my coworkers were idiots and nobody can do [specific job] except me, for some reason, which is insane. Then she yelled that SHE'LL just go learn how to do [job] herself, which I said was probably a good idea. That wasn't the right response though because she kept yelling. It was like watching the Wicked Witch of the West melt.

At one point she told me I'd "rather die than help her" which sucks because I told her I was taking her gig to buy my staying-alive medication. Plus it's not "help", it's my actual day job. Then she dug into me for dying, I guess. I don't know why I expected this to be any different

Something has loving changed in me though, my mom mocking my medical condition and saying that me securing more clients/applying for suitable jobs is "just to hurt her" sounds so goddamn insane I can't even lie to myself any more. Most people's moms don't scream at them for having a job I assume. I haven't talked to either of my parents since.

Something about my mom turns me from a normal adult into a scared teenager and that is just not the poo poo I'm trying to take with me into work. Or life. Christ. (Thankfully I have a good dad and nice future-in-laws)


A Festivus Miracle posted:

Basically, my girl's Dad and exact quote: "Saw a UFO during the summer of 2016 and just...lost it".

I'm so sorry about this, the Q rabbit hole fucks people up so bad. I don't know if this is helpful, but the Coast Guard / Navy actually DID confirm a bunch of UFOs (not aliens, like actual unidentified objects) flying almost every since night that year all up and down the East Coast. My girlfriend's brother thought he was going loving insane until he had a bunch of people confirm. I can't imagine how that might gently caress with me if I was already paranoid.

Lieutenant Dan fucked around with this message at 12:17 on Jan 25, 2021

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Arsenic Lupin posted:

In the Washington Post! I cut off all contact with my mother. It made my life much better.


Last night, when I was lying in bed with the light off, I said "My father was emotionally abusive." For the first time. It resonated in the silence.

I'm proud of you for making it here, and gently caress your dad for being abusive, goon.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


My parents are also still married due to Catholicism.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


All this Claudia Conway stuff makes me so sad. I hope she gets to leave that horrible household. I can't imagine having such a terrifying mom as hers.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Mexican Deathgasm posted:

Does anyone else here have a constant dread during work? I have the best job of my life right now. It's not perfect but I can do it from home and my boss and co-workers are all fantastic. I've received a lot of great feedback, more than I've ever gotten before due to the fact I'm not constantly on edge because of being in an office environment. But I still have this frequent, sometimes constant, feeling of dread that I'm going to "get in trouble" for not doing enough or doing the wrong things. I'm hypersensitive to criticism because I spent the first 15 or so years of my life being poo poo on. Not sure how to deal with that.

Ayuuuup. I've been working for ten years and to this day, every time I get a project proposal rejected or gently caress up somehow, my first thought is "oh poo poo oh poo poo how am I going to explain this to my mom" (you don't, Lieutenant Dan, you're a grown rear end man, why are you scared of this?) followed by "oh god I'm getting (insert mystery punishment here)" despite everyone at work being extremely kind and polite.

Drimble Wedge posted:

I used to suck my finger and thumb when I was a kid and of course that hosed up my teeth (I feel like my earliest memories just consist of everyone being mad at me about the sucking and then mad at me for the teeth). I found out very recently from an older cousin that our grandmother had given my parents money to get my teeth fixed, and they bought a car instead. These are of course the same parents who would berate me for never smiling.

I am a really goofy/smiley dude but I never smile in pictures. My girlfriend asked me why and I told her my mom told me not to smile with teeth because it shows too much top gum and it's not becoming. I didn't even realize I'd internalized it.

Lieutenant Dan fucked around with this message at 13:00 on Feb 3, 2021

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


I'd just like to say that hearing everyone talk about how one's mom shouldn't prefer an inanimate candlestick in a wig that you can dress up to an actual living child with opinions has really helped me out. For a while I wasn't sure if I should just... be the candlestick. Turns out she'd also probably get mad at the candlestick.

My girlfriend and I talked about whether she would enjoy a small dog to dress up because she's really good with animals but then I got worried she'd like, pass some complex on to the poor dog.

I'm a mixed race person and my mom has been saying really awful poo poo because of Harry and Meghan lately, I'm not sure if she realizes she's getting eugenicsy on her own kid. I have limited contact and only speak to her when my dad is on the call but we've had to cut two calls short lately.

Also, remember back in the thread where she was trying to get me to do contracting for free? She spends the weekly Dad-allotted phone call trying to get me to do that contracting over the phone. Like, if I was a plumber, her phone calls are now 80% "my sink doesn't work right" for 40 minutes and gets darkly scary if I joke that normally I charge for this poo poo. She just turns our limited family hour into Lieutenant Dan's Job Time.

I'm so loving close to making it, I just need my dad to survive the next ten years to make it to my wedding and meet my future kid and then I never have to speak to that woman ever again. One day I'll type up a list of her crazy beliefs including "chipped fingernails make you look poor" and "Los Angeles turned you gay" and it'll be a fun laugh had by all.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Welp, got another call from my mom where she screamed for 40 minutes about how she's done being my mom and she never wants to see me again and I'm ungrateful and mean and manipulative, ever since I was a kid, and if I was happier and had a positive attitude I wouldn't have a tumor.

Deleted her number, my entire texting app, blocked her on email, I'm done. I get the loving picture.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Murdoch, your mom sounds like a real piece of work and sleep deprivation is 100% an abusive tactic, and it totally blows that you're temporarily stuck in that house Would roomies be an option? I know it's not ideal but I've had decent luck on a low income asking people I trust if anyone THEY trust is looking for a roomie.



Dan News: My dad wants me to call and talk things over "calmly" with my mom because "she can lose her temper" but like, 10 years of telling me she doesn't want to be a mom to an ungrateful homo, and that I have a tumor because I'm not "happy" enough, isn't losing your temper. I am obviously not calling.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Learned helplessness is a total trip and frequently is used to control the folks it's being used on, for sure. As a former Learned Helplessness Guy I found that treating the whole thing like planning your escape from an abuser was supremely helpful. Inside, I knew there was someone who was absolutely loving capable of doing normal poo poo, but it's easy to forget you ever had a job or graduated college or whatever when your parents are telling you you're incapable (and some people don't even get to the "graudate" or "job" state cause their parents angled in so early!). Looking at resources for victims seeking to escape an abusive home, like squirreling away money or finding a way to make sneaky income without your parents noticing, opening a private bank account, etc, were mad helpful. If you have just a little bit of cash, you can get a prepaid or pay-as-you-go cell phone for super cheap (don't let your parents know about it, or give them your number, if you don't feel safe doing so). Right now there's a number of temp jobs like pandemic contact tracer you can apply for and work from home with, which could be useful.

Eventually, you'll have a cache of resources and be able to start stealthily looking for a new place to live. You'll probably have to couch surf (I know you mentioned not having a local group of friends so this can be hard), get on a Greyhound (not during a pandemic of course), or do a little in-betweening before you're completely at your own place, but I have every faith you can totally, absolutely make it on your own. I can't drive either (at first because of all of the above, but nowadays because of a dumb tumor) and that DOES make it hard, but you can get a learner's permit with just the written test, or apply for a state ID without learning to drive, which helps a LOT. Don't forget to secure and take with you your passport, birth certificate, social security card, and all that important poo poo. There is a small chance your parents will hide them if they figure out you're leaving, but you can grab those early on. Whatever you do, hide your money and documents from your abusers while planning your escape.

Don't forget, you're an adult now and you can totally do this. I believe in you!

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Ghost Leviathan posted:

You did the right thing to cut her off. Let her die.


Tokyo Sexwale posted:

leave her in the misery she's created for herself op, and never look back

ohnobugs posted:

Your mom's not a real mother. Good riddance. Not everyone you're related to is family.

Axqu posted:

j e s u s . What a cruel human being. I'm so sorry. Good on you for taking the steps not to expose yourself to her fuckery any more, but good god that has to hurt. I have no idea how much this means, but based on how you present yourself here, you've always come across as a good dude. My uneducated opinion: she's projecting her self-hatred onto you. Her reaction is about her being broken, not an indictment of your character, as much as she seems to want it to be.


Thank you guys so much for this, it means a hell of a lot. Quoting so I can also come back and read these when I'm second-guessing going no-contact. This is the first Saturday in years I haven't had a yelling terrifying phone call, and I am watching the girlfriend play Witcher 3 and drinking coffee together instead of questioning whether I have the right to exist.

Lieutenant Dan fucked around with this message at 19:06 on Mar 27, 2021

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


nishi koichi posted:

yeah. lay low, keep planning, start with the small things, whatever you can do the easiest. it builds like a snowball, especially when you constantly see how terrible these people are and write them off. it strengthens your resolve. then when you leave, you can smack them in the face (metaphorically).

when i was in that situation, it helped me to think of it as prep for a heist, in which i was stealing my self back. god drat was it sweet to say “i’m leaving” and see her expression. she was so desperate, calling everyone she could think of to convince me to stay.

you’ll have all the cards, they’ll have none, and they can go to hell.

This is good advice, especially "don't tell them you're leaving until you are out the door". The heist thing is neat too, I felt similarly when I was trying to escape my own lovely situation

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Murdoch, you mentioned earlier that your possible chances at couch-surfing would be tricky, is it that they're too far away or you're not sure if they would be cool with it (or both)?

stealth edit: gonna agree here, your mom's behaviour is way beyond just "lovely", it sounds like there might be something bigger going on

Lieutenant Dan fucked around with this message at 13:20 on Mar 29, 2021

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


I'd like to add that for prescriptions and meds, a mail-in service plus goodrx makes for a very decent plan. Have the meds delivered to your future address and transfer it over on the refill right before you leave. If it's easier to get meds from a pharmacy, phone in and get the prescription transferred to a pharmacy that's easily accessible based on your destination (like the CVS inside a major transit hub that's open 24/7 or something). You can also have your doctor recommend a specialist for your checkups in your destination town/city, or ask if you can do telehealth for now until you get settled in (if that's possible).

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Jin Wicked posted:

These people always act like it is such a *gasp* shock when their kids go NC.

I spent YEARS trying to get my angry, violent dad to stop spewing hate politics at me, as an adult, and have an actual relationship. He had zero interest in who I am as a person, just keeping the "oldest daughter" box checked at family functions. I would be shocked if he could tell anyone more about me than "likes to draw," and "brown hair."

He fuckin' grabbed me by my collar and threw me up against a door frame for making a comment about my nephew behaving poorly, when I was a grown-rear end 30 year-old. Right after I had spent about a year helping him care for my dying mom. Right after he lost his poo poo at the end, and basically had me make the call to withhold treatment/bring in hospice.

I went NC when he started dating a woman two years younger than me who was a waitress at the restaurant where we used to eat with my mom until she got too sick to go out anymore. He threw a temper tantrum when I said I was not comfortable having this woman at my birthday dinner, and hung up the phone on me.

That was the last time I ever spoke to him.

This woman ruined him, just like I said she would in the letter I sent him when I went NC. Took every dime she could get until they had thirty maxed-out credit cards and he had reverse-mortgaged the house. He rented an apartment for her, her son, and her felon ex?husband because he did not want her to be homeless after one of their breakups. Completely destroyed his retirement. He shot himself in the face six years after my mom died, because Bog forbid you get grief counseling or talk to a therapist about your feelings.

But, ya know. I am sure I was the rotten, ungrateful child.

Your dad sounds like a massive shitheel and you are in no way "ungrateful". You've given him way more than the necessary inch and he went and decided to be a horrible rear end in a top hat anyway. I'm sorry you had to deal with him for so long.



A weird thing happened to me the other day. I was talking to my girlfriend about how my mom never actually hit me or anything, just threw poo poo at me, but sometimes I would get caught by her engagement ring when she was angry (she would flail around a lot and we lived in cramped space and the diamond was very sharp/protruding so it nicked stuff sometimes, including me). I'd always go "Ow, you nicked me" and she'd shout that "no [she] didn't, and if [she] did [she] didn't mean to, because she never means to hit me, and if she did, it was my fault for getting in the way" when she was angry and flailing, because "I knew she waved her hands around a lot." So I cheerfully explained to my girlfriend that it was my fault for getting in the way and I probably should've known I would be the casualty of a mild nicking, being near her when she's angry (although, again, tiny apartment, pretty hard to not be within flailing length). Kind of like "I should know better than to be within swatting range of an angry bear".

My girlfriend looked shocked and said that was crazy. She said "Do you remember yesterday when I accidentally stepped on the cat's tail and I spent ages apologizing to her? I didn't blame the cat for getting in my way." And I said "Of course not, why would you blame the cat?". And then I suddenly got it.

Man. Week 3 of not talking to my mom so far. This is the only place I talk about this stuff. If she ever sees me talking about it under my human name she'd fuckin kill me.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


"The beatings will continue til morale improves" is applicable to so many people's parenting technique

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


BrigadierSensible posted:

But to a lot of these estranged parents, they have fetishized, and over-romanticized the relationship they had with their kids when the kids were little. "We were always best friends when X was growing up.", "She was always my princess and we were so close.", "he was such a mummys boy always clinging to my skirts and confiding in me everything about what went on in school." etc. Leaving aside the over-clingy dependant parenting stuff for another time, I think a lot of these memories are bullshit projections of what the mother wanted. As in, the estranged child had a relatively normal childhood, and sure, when they were 5 they hid behind mummy's skirts when they were scared etc. But they, as all normal people do, grew up and became independent people with lives of their own and didn't need their mummy to cut the crusts off their bread anymore. This has sent the parent insane, coz they refuse to accept that their little baby is no longer a baby, and thus intentionally mistake independence for aloofness.

This rings true, my mom has invented what seems like an entire fake fantasy "friendship" that she and I "had" when I was little... but can't articulate anything about it, and I don't remember it, and neither does my dad. I do remember her taking me to lunch a couple times in middle school, which was nice, but after I became an actual teenager the next time I remember her wanting to spend time with me was when I came home from college with a facial piercing and she took me to lunch specifically to tell me about how I reminded her of her dead brother, who I'd never heard of, and how she had to ID him in a fatal car crash when she was in college and my face reminded her of seeing his body every time she looked at me. A single eyebrow ring. Also, nobody in her family has ever, ever spoken about me having an extra uncle, and it seems rude to ask, on the off-chance that it's true?

Sometimes she'll say poo poo like "oh when your dad and I retire I'd love to live in the same house as you" to which my dad and I have actually laughed aloud at, because she has beef with literally everything about me as a person (how early I wake up - too early!, how gay I am - too gay!, my job - too low-paying! my hobbies - dumb! my choices - all made to deliberately piss her off! My physical appearance - also... somehow deliberately chosen to piss her off! My girlfriend - too quiet! My fingernails - first they were too dirty, now they are too gay!!). She used to not let us out of the house as a family on the weekend unless we were wearing colors that didn't clash, because that would "make us look bad". And she's wondering why I am not her friend. It's loving bizarre. I once asked her why she had double standards since she doesn't go apocalyptic when she sees a gay stranger with a facial piercing and she said "it's different because it's you".



When I was in high school I told my therapist I very much was afraid of being a parent because I was afraid to turn out like my mom, and he said "Look at it this way - when you become a parent, you'll know exactly what not to do". Which, in hindsight, is pretty funny and true

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


It's absolutely not a competition, bad poo poo happening to someone else doesn't mean it didn't happen to you, too!

Anyone in this thread end up watching F is for Family? In the most recent season, the main character's abusive dad drops in by surprise, and the abuser puts on this super nice face to his grandkids, and the dad is going apoplectic because grandpa was an abusive shithead to him and is acting like nothing ever happened. Only at the end of the season do the kids realize what a "cycle of abuse" is and how lovely grandpa really is, and the dad realizes he's been unconciously adapting some of lovely grandpa's behaviors. It's a nice season.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Sisal Two-Step posted:

These estranged parents love to talk about how much money they spent on their kids, don't they? They'll be vague about everything except for the money.

My mom keeps elaborate notes on how much I have ever cost her, ever since I was a baby. Before I stopped talking to her she called to yell about how expensive it was to fly me home for Christmas. I can't afford to visit them on my own, so I figured I just wouldn't see them for the holidays. My mom bought me a plane ticket, and uses that as an excuse to yell about me costing too much. Of course, the alternative is that I don't visit for Christmas, which makes me an ingrateful child who hates their mother/a poor sap who makes minimum wage and is wasting his expensive education on a lovely job. It's just a choice between getting yelled at for "costing money" or "not caring".

My mom doesn't have a job and uses my dad's money.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


edit: I am a dum dum who can't read properly, good luck with your kid's teeth!!

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


I think I might be the odd one out in that I wasn't born neurodivergent and was a relatively happy/smart kid until I developed C-PTSD/kleptomania/depression/etc etc due to child abuse, and THAT got me pulled out of all my smart-kid classes, my mom started being ultra mean to me, and nobody ever really took me seriously because someone that crazy can't be smart. I got into a Top 20 college after my high school counselor literally told me not to apply because I wouldn't get in. (I did, however, drop out after being sent to a mental hospital for anxiety ) I still work on my depression and PTSD and poo poo but holy hell people give up on you EARLY if you are a "fuckup". I vividly recall a memory where my 2nd-grade teacher gave the entire class a lecture on how, specifically, they should not turn out to be like me.

Captain Rufus posted:

But let's just say I got carded to see R rated movies when I was 30. Seriously. Not really drinking and never doing drugs can't explain it. Maybe I'm an alien?

This is funny, I'm almost 30 and I got carded for a pack of cigarettes last year. Aliens unite!

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Mother's Day weekend loving blows. My dad called to warn me to wish my mom a happy mother's day, phrased: "You'd better wish her a happy Mother's Day, or....[trails off, long silence]". (I haven't spoken to my mom since she declared for the fiftieth loving time that she doesn't want to be my mom any more). I love being threatened into sending niceties

On the other side of the cookie, I got a really nice message from my older cousin a couple weeks ago on Trans Visibility Day that said she loves me and is proud of me and would like to visit sometime after the pandemic.

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Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Don't forget about credit card receipts or digital paper trails of which hotel he's booked, just in case they're the kind of parents who trawl their kids' email / access their bank account. I wish your friend all the best!

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