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Still catching up on the thread, but I fully expect to see my father ending up on that forum (or somewhere similar), after severing with him on Tuesday. With a recent divorce and my sister still apparently on my side, he's not going to be able to disparage me to anyone else but my brother otherwise. So I guess I'll share my severance a little, if it's not too E/N. It had been a long time coming (he has never really quite handled my coming out in a... clean manner. I was already seriously considering not inviting him to my (eventual) wedding to my girlfriend anyway), but it still feels. Weird? I don't really know how to process it. It sounded mutual, but I fully expect him to try to pitch a fit at me when I don't reach out for his birthday/Father's day soon and beg forgiveness. But, I'm gonna hold firm. He should be proud of that. Even though he basically abandoned me and my mother for the army for years, he always tried to teach me to stand firm to my convictions. But, because it isn't his convictions, he won't be. But, I'm done. I'm done with hoping that one day he'll stop talking over me and acting like he loves me but never being able to be the one in the wrong when he hurts me. Always "I'm not homophobic but" when I've told him that I've faced hate crimes and I need REAL support. So, I guess I'm in this club now. Trying to decide if I want to go through the huge hassle of changing my last name. But, the line has been crossed for the last time, and I know I want nothing more to do with him. And I still haven't told my mother because she's in the middle of nowhere with no cell service due to covid. (For context, my father is a cop. I am a queer woman--not fully sure on my label--and I have a strong sense of justice for the oppressed. Not just because I'm part of a minority, but because I don't want people to suffer. Not to cross-post topics, but recent events. He decided that he would rather side with the cops that abuse their power than a woman who was hurt by them and has seen loved ones hurt and mistreated by them--even if that woman is white--even if its his own daughter. He condemned me for even daring to say that I've been hurt, that innocent people have been hurt, and that it needs to stop. I fully expect there will be a ton of newly estranged parents on forums in the coming weeks...)
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Jun 5, 2020 06:26
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| # ¿ Apr 29, 2024 04:39 |
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teen witch posted::hug: it’s a ok to share. you get to feel that pain, it’s confusing and enraging but perfectly legitimate. you want your own family to understand your struggle and not be so goddamn solipsistic, or at least in my case. but regardless, do what you gotta do to survive, and if it means posting here, do so. we got you. purple death ray posted:Hey that kicks rear end and you seem like a rad person. You're going to do a lot better without those people in your life. Great job, unironically Thank you!  I'll definitely remember your support the next time he tries to call or demand something from me. He's had almost 30 years to become a better father and a better man, I can't keep giving him second chances anymore.teen witch posted:if anyone knows of resources offhand, let me know, cause I know there's going to be a lot of people who are experiencing it for the first time. Seconding this! I honestly have no clue where to even start (besides old-fashioned googling, but I'm nervous at how trustworthy those results are right now). Maybe TGRS has something posted already?
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Jun 5, 2020 20:00
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Picnic Princess posted:When I was a kid I loved baths. Sometime before I was 6 my parents tried to get me into showering but I didn't want it. So of course they'd force me in and hold my head under the stream so I'd just get used to it. Only now at nearly 40 I still can't put my face in the shower stream without my brain shutting down and having an extreme panic attack. ...I *understand* this. I struggle with even just washing my face because my grandmother used to insist on washing my hair in the sink. Constantly. And was horrible at it. I got water and soap in my eyes and mouth a lot. I'm 28 years old and still have to be slow washing my face and have to have a towel ready at the shower to dry my eyes and face frequently. The supreme anxiety has finally lessened over the past few years, but I still can't have water in my face for long. Don't get me started on swimming pools.... More directly related to estrangement, today was my father's birthday (I'm terrible at dates, I literally only have my own, my mother's and my girlfriend's birthday's memorized). And apparently he's sending his (recent) ex-wife to try to get me to contact him. Not my (half-)sister. Not my (half-)brother. Not my mother (who I am still, thankfully, cool with). His ex-wife. After he previously harassed my mother shortly after the estrangement started. Needless to say, I'm ignoring her.
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Jun 19, 2020 04:02
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Ghost Leviathan posted:There's a real knack for lovely parents to try to teach you to do something in a way that makes you never, ever want to do it again. And it's a shame. My grandparents helped raise me, but my mother had to spend half of her time trying to undo all the harm her mother did to both of us. But, to my grandmother, I was the show pony. I took vocal lessons or learned instruments? Well, clearly that wasn't for personal enjoyment, I had to perform at EVERY family function, regardless of comfort. To this day, I hate even just singing along to the radio around anyone but a very small handful of trusted people. I did well in school? Well, I had to excel in every subject, be the top of the class and go to a good college and get a *respectable* degree. Every step I took that didn't follow that exact plan was treated as a grave sin. I've been lectured, screamed at, scolded, hit, punished/grounded, had medical support refused, all but full-on beaten/etc. for getting less than acceptable grades. To the point that in college, when I had the law on my side, I just... stopped caring. I let myself not excel anymore, accepted "good enough" and even left the honor's program for the sake of my mental health. My refusal to reveal my grades to my family brought on a full-on shouting match with my grandmother, because there was nothing she could do about it anymore. She resented me to her grave for changing my major from chemistry to computer science (because her sister's son became a chemist and was gonna do AMAZING things, so clearly I had to outdo him???). Even learning positive activities, even things I would enjoy later in life, things like baking and gardening, were things I would dread because she was so oppressive the entire time. Hell, I suck at cleaning in part because she insisted on teaching me how to do it, but her teaching was mostly making me try to figure it out on my own and then screaming at me when I did it wrong or even just awkwardly. It took years for me to reteach myself that failure at something doesn't mean I give up or have a total mental shutdown. I was planning on severing from my whole family before she died. Now, I actually have some healthy relationships with my mom's side of the family. Though, none of them understand why I call my grandmother "my abuser." Even my mother, although I know it's because she was gaslit longer and harder than I was. And that losing her mom still hurt. Picnic Princess posted:Holyyyyyy gently caress. I forgot about this but they did that to me too. Like, blocked it out completely forgot. I can hear the sound of the water running over and into my ears. Yikes, maybe that's the real cause of my ridiculous trauma. This is one of the reasons I'm terrified of when I can afford real therapy again. If this is the poo poo I remember, then what horrors have I blocked out? I know I wasn't molested or anything, but, still. (I will still get therapy, but it does scare me to think about it.)
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Jun 19, 2020 14:39
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Not to derail, but my grandmother (who was the stay-at-home figure when I was growing up) hit EVERY single one of the items on that checklist a few pages back. I want to curl up in a fetal position and just scream into the abyss. It's no wonder that I'm so emotionally messed up. I remember begging her for help getting therapy and her saying "You're 17, what do you have to be depressed about?" when I was literally so depressed that food was tasteless mush and I operated on like 3 hours of sleep most nights after sobbing myself into exhaustion. If she hadn't died when I was like 23, I would have literally cut off pretty much my entire extended family just to free myself from her. Dirt Road Junglist posted:Yo, please don't put that on yourself. You didn't cause anything. You're not responsible for any of it. You have a life to live, and at 20 especially, there's no justification for feeling like what he did is something you caused. Seconding this. As someone that was gaslit and repeatedly convinced that my abuses were brought onto myself as a kid, I can tell you that its not. You did not kill him. Not even indirectly. Parents (and similar figures) blaming their kids for their depression instead of seeking real help is sadly way too common, but it is also false. You didn't cause it. It was not your fault. I know I'm just a random voice on the internet, but I promise you. It was not your fault. He should have sought help, for himself and for you--his child. But it was never your fault.
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Sep 12, 2020 13:26
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(Still catching up, sorry if I'm derailing) My dad and I are NC right now, but I haven't blocked his cell number (didn't need to, and my siblings are terrible at communication as I'm about to demonstrate). I got a text today that my sister is in the hospital, but not why, and telling me to call her. I didn't get it until this evening, and she's probably asleep but I finally got the hospital number and am on hold to try to get her as I type this. But. Despite my mother insisting that he would never do this (and their divorce was... aggressive), I still worry that this is some sort of trap to force me to talk to him. He's fallen fairly deep into the Trump rabbit hole (and he was already brainworm-levels with the GOP and such), so I don't know what he is and isn't capable of anymore. I mean, this is the guy that "police shouldn't kill people on the streets, especially when they're loving restrained already" was some blasphemous statement and a personal insult somehow? The final straw to going NC was when he ran to my mom instead of talking to me like an adult over it; before that, I was just going to block him on FB and tell him to give me space for a while. It would not surprise me if he tried to use my sister to force me to pretend nothing's wrong and talk to him. I just. I don't know. This will be the first Christmas since I was a kid that I refuse to speak to him. And he's going through another divorce (gee, maybe wonder if you're the common denominator here?). Maybe he's trying to lash out at me again? He did that when he got cancer. My mom wants me to contact him back for the sake of my sister, but I know that if I soften my boundaries, he'll stomp on them again (Mr. I-Have-To-Be-Literally-Snapped-At-To-Stop-Telling-You-To-Enlist-In-Military-And-Then-Act-Like-I'm-The-Injured-One doesn't understand that other people have feelings I guess.) I'm just venting, I'm sorry, but this is still uncharted waters for me. And I want to hear someone that isn't going to just say "well family is family" and try to convince me to play nice just because he's my dad. FAKE EDIT: Finally got my sister. It's not an accident or COVID but the docs are like "???? We have no clue why you're having what appears to be a stroke but isn't a stroke or cancer?" Why couldn't my dad have just said that????? He's clearly manipulating me. I just remembered he used them to guilt me when I was gonna go temporarily LC with him before going NC.
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Dec 16, 2020 04:40
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02-6611-0142-1 posted:family can gently caress off, actually Thank you. I should know better (I've been helping my GF with her lovely homophobic family), but it's still helpful to hear.  Picnic Princess posted:I hated getting texts saying "you need to call ___" because they were always a set up. It was a way to shuck the blame onto me no matter what went down. Simply texting the information would be giving in to me and my "lovely millennial" style communication. Calling me would be them assuming responsibility when it's been decided communicating was exclusively my job, not theirs. They absolutely had to make sure I was the one doing all the work, and if I didn't, it confirmed their bias. But they always set me up to confirm their bias. So I stopped falling for it. I didn't even consider this. Fortunately, my sister now definitely has my cell and knows to contact me directly, so I have more solid ground to tell dad to gently caress off. (Also my sister is irritated with his poo poo too, but hasn't reached a breaking point yet. No clue if she will or if my father will actually learn. Not holding my breath either way) For now, at least, I don't have to deal with my dad condescending to me that "actually, Trump is good and smart" or criticizing literally every political position I have or telling me that I can't consider my future marriage to my GF a marriage because it's a "religious term" but guess what he called his EXPLICITLY NOT-RELIGIOUS union with my mom? (in fact, his priest wouldn't marry them unless she was pregnant. Mom did and still does not like organized religion) Family can indeed gently caress off. They can earn my time and love and effort or eat poo poo.
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Dec 16, 2020 05:28
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Terrible Opinions posted:What kinda church wants you already pregnant before marriage? My dad wanted to marry my mom before he was deployed (Desert Storm, iirc), but his priest wouldn't do it. But then apparently told them "but if she's pregnant, I'll marry you tomorrow." Because he didn't want them to rush into marriage, but god loving forbid a kid be born out of wedlock. I still haven't gotten a proper story as to how they did actually marry, just that dad's priest wouldn't do it.
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Dec 16, 2020 05:50
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Holy poo poo, gently caress that grandma. Even though my grandmother never had a chance to do something like that (I honestly don't remember how she treated the boy that almost became my stepbrother when I was a kid--my mom has never had very great relationships...), it just makes me think of her and I see red. Props to the mom for standing up for her son. Adopted, step or whatever, he's her son and she's raising him with the same love as her biological daughter, as a good parent should. A good parent doesn't care about blood, they just care.Foam Monkey posted:It is possible that your sister is having a migraine without the pain. I’ve had that happen to me before, no aura, no warning, then all of the sudden I can’t talk without slurring and can’t work the right side of my body. Sorry I was quiet for a bit. Turns out she did have a migraine, but I've never heard of them causing both legs to just. Not work. She's slowly relearning to walk, according to today's texts (she's in another state, and we're both at-risk, so zero chance of seeing her anytime soon). My dad harassed me for my email by badmouthing her saying getting it was her responsibility. She's in the loving hospital. SHE CAN BARELY loving WALK. She's 21. Leave her out of it. I don't know if I should tell her. It isn't about her, but he's trying to use her to manipulate me. Again. Under the guise of a Christmas gift (which, if he'd actually SPOKEN TO HER, he'd know was probably not super helpful to me right now). Is he trying to manipulate her too? I don't know. I'm very tired. gently caress Christmas. (Can't see my mom because I'm not dealing with her cop boyfriend this year. Can't see my girlfriend because we're not officially out to her family and theyre giant homophobes. Can't see my nearest friend because even though we've both been cautious, one of her few coworkers did something dumb and is now COVID-positive. I hate 2020 so loving much)
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Dec 25, 2020 03:20
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So I guess the 1 year anniversary of my severance with my father happened while I wasn't paying attention. Sticking to my guns still. Mostly posting this to keep myself at it, so I don't back down on my boundaries. The family that matters most is still trying. My mother and I have learned to talk about...easier things (like the fact that feral cats' weird instinct to come to her for help has resulted in her own little fledgling colony that I wish I could participate in...), but she is slowly, occasionally, apologizing for the ways she's messed up and has been respecting my boundaries. She's also trying really hard to be a good future-MIL for my girlfriend (her homophobic parents are their own subscription of issues). Our relationship isn't perfect, but I still love her and feel like she's trying to improve. Plus, like, her mom WAS one of those hypocritical but also hyper-critical control freaks of both her and me. And she does desperately not want to be that. It's a hell of a lot more than my dad has done in the past 10 years. My father will sometimes call at like 3am though, and I want to just scream into the void. On weekdays.
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Jun 8, 2021 01:43
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Is there a way to get a restraining order against a parent that you technically haven't lived with in over 20 years? We're in different states, so that might make it weird. I just want there to be actual consequences for calling me at 4 am or messaging me at work. I am very tired.
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Jul 23, 2021 19:55
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Rutibex posted:send them a cease and desist letter and then sue them for criminal harassment if they continue. just use the same advice from debt collectors Thank you. I'll research the best way to do this for it to be viable in court if need be.
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Jul 23, 2021 21:08
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I got spanked as a kid, usually with a raised voice involved. As I got older, it evolved to an actual slap, sometimes in the face. I don't really remember what "caused" it when I was a young kid, but when I was a preteen and a teenager, it was almost entirely for being a "smartass." Usually just snark, or a mild attitude because I was a loving teenager. I distinctly remember one time, I was either in high school or early college (either way, I was only just learning some real independence and how to say "gently caress this I'm out"), where I said something that set my mom off and she slapped me across the face so hard that it broke my glasses. I still instinctively cower when people raise their hands/arms or their voice. My mom has the gall to claim that she wasn't abusive because she never "beat" me (which to her means needing the ER, I guess) and that "I spanked you and you turned out okay." I have crippling anxiety and depression, and I only recently stopped having regular meltdowns where I full-on could not function, Mom, I did not turn out okay. My girlfriend (whose parents have their own set of issues they inflicted upon her, but certainly never hit her or her brother) was horrified when I told her. Took me a while to accept that it not only wasn't normal, but that it wasn't okay. Just another reason it's good we aren't having kids, at least for the foreseeable future. I feel horrid when I accidentally trip over a pet; even accidentally hurting a child would probably make me violently ill.
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Sep 8, 2021 21:14
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| # ¿ Apr 29, 2024 04:39 |
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EDIT: God, this is a lovely snipe. I don't have any good animal tax pics on hand. Here's a youtube channel of a good, smart, loving kitty instead. (I haven't watched in a while, but it always makes me feel better when I do, so maybe it'll make ya'll smile too) https://www.youtube.com/c/BilliSpeaks Mx. posted:Uhhh isn't that person an animal rapist and groomed a minor Yes. And they lived with at least two others, who all did very skeezy things at best (including admitting to finding underage incest hot, if my memory serves, I do not want to go looking for proof again). The last I heard, they and their partner (I don't know what pronouns are appropriate for them anymore, sorry, I literally had to block them all) threw the third one under the bus to try to claim innocence and then got legal name changes and moved states. They all approved explicitly (though they tried to deny it when it was made public) of showing porn to minors. Porn that was of dubious consent at best, on top of that (not that healthy consent would make it better, but there's something extra predatory about it. Like, they're trying to teach kids that predatory behavior is normal or something?). Unfortunately, since two of the three (at least) are trans, that means that the biggest source of info on them was a particular transphobic stalker hellhole (and would spend more time on them being trans than their actual predatory behavior unless another victim came forward with information). However, I am only two or three people removed from at least one if not two of their victims, and certainly have seen enough of their behavior to judge them for myself. It's been years since I heard anything about them, since I blocked them on twitter years ago, but I can confirm that the whole trio at least (and likely several of their friends, scum tends to attract scum) have a history of stating very predatory/grooming-related views. (And the bestiality is another rabbithole, and I'm too tired for it.) No worries about not knowing, its easy to not know if you're not in certain communities, and especially since the only place that really talked about their predatory behavior for more than a day or two is a terrible "website" that deserves no attention at all. But enough about that. Rejected parents/guardians. SulfurMonoxideCute posted:My mom would use "I was a bad parent" as a manipulation tactic to make everything about her. This sounds so much like my grandmother. She twisted the entire household with this sort of manipulation. I spent most of my Junior year of high school in a prolonged depressive state, and became borderline suicidal by my Sophomore year of college. But instead of getting me help, it was "oh, woe is me, I am a failure because you are not majoring in what I want you to even though it emotionally crushes you. You're not as flashy to show off as your cousin, what did I do wrong to deserve this?" Like, thanks, I'm not a person with my own thoughts and feelings, love you too. Nothing I *did* accomplish was ever enough, if I didn't fit the cookie cutter she wanted me to fit. And then whenever I visited home during later college, she would start by trying to love bomb me for a few hours before trying the disparaging again, but by then I'd seen more HEALTHY relationships, so I just ignored her. My mother totally understood why I moved out and never even considered moving back until my grandma died. We're both free now, but goddamn does the trauma last. Ironic that she hated my father so much, because he is/was just as self-centered as her. Baron Zephyrus fucked around with this message at 06:09 on Mar 10, 2022 |
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Mar 10, 2022 06:06
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