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Narcissists can't deal with shame, and your mother has some things to be ashamed of. My dad's the same. He'll just straight up lie about what happened. This stuff shaped your life, no need to let it slide so they can save face.
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Jan 12, 2021 05:23
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It's a level of selfishness I can't wrap my mind around. I think wife will come around in time, but they don't have a lot of time.
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Jan 17, 2021 00:55
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Ghost Leviathan posted:The thing about narcissists is that it's very hard for them to raise narcissists even if they try, I think, simply because of the way their disorder demands they interact with others. Gonna disagree here. You would think anyone who's had to put up with a narcissist for any length of time would be more aware of their own behavior, but plenty of people aren't. There are also different kinds of narcissists. My father's mother was a narcissist who enjoyed spinning people out and creating drama. My dad is also a narcissist, but his behavior was very different. He could never admit to making a mistake and refused to change his behavior, regardless of the consequences. But he wouldn't go looking for relationships to ruin like dear dead grandma. I think he really tried to be nothing like her, but he was still an abusive rear end in a top hat. The other thing is, being raised by narcissists and other dysfunctional people, you don't learn the best habits. Most of us end up with some bad learned behaviors, or responses, etc, because we were raised by these morons. But it's not real narcissism. It's like a secondary effect. I've heard them called fleas.
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Jan 17, 2021 06:17
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"I thought it was okay, then I got caught."
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Jan 22, 2021 02:48
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Ghost Leviathan posted:Tracks pretty well with how many liberal boomers immediately balk at putting literally any money or effort towards actually helping people. This is my hoarder stepmother. Dad's in the crazy Republican camp. I don't know why they're married they have nothing in common except that they're both assholes. A Festivus Miracle posted:bonified piece of poo poo 
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Jan 25, 2021 10:55
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Yeah I didn't get any ambiguity either?
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Jan 30, 2021 00:58
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kissekatt posted:I could definitely see potential ambiguity in it, but I am also a longtime reader of the r/relationships-thread where you are always expecting an unreliable narrator. If it's the internet and nothing is real, why would the edit matter? In the past, I've had some honest conversations with relatives about what my parents were doing. I trusted these people. One had even stayed in their hoard house for a few days. They listened to me, nodded their heads in the right places, then went behind my back to tell my parents everything and ask what was wrong with me. v that's hosed up ohnobugs fucked around with this message at 04:15 on Jan 31, 2021 |
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Jan 31, 2021 00:31
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I'm sure this person has no boundary issues whatsoever.
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Feb 23, 2021 00:28
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Katamari Democracy posted:I am very close to disowning my mom's side of the family because they are getting way too deep about Trump losing and yelling at me for not having the same thoughts as they do. You do not have to subject yourself to people who don't respect you. Take a breather. It doesn't have to be permanent (though I would recommend it). Years ago, I had a huge fight with my dad. He's also a raving right-wing lunatic, and he expects me to just sit there and listen to his violent ranting and temper tantrums. I cut off contact for a year. It was hard. I felt super guilty, but he's a goddamn manchild, and I couldn't change him. During that year off he ripped down every photo of me in the house and destroyed the frames. Do what's best for you, because they won't.
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Feb 23, 2021 00:53
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Lieutenant Dan posted:Welp, got another call from my mom where she screamed for 40 minutes about how she's done being my mom and she never wants to see me again and I'm ungrateful and mean and manipulative, ever since I was a kid, and if I was happier and had a positive attitude I wouldn't have a tumor. Your mom's not a real mother. Good riddance. Not everyone you're related to is family.
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Mar 21, 2021 22:45
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John Murdoch posted:No, it's definitely both. Beyond hating being observed at the best of times I'd fully expect such a solution to backfire and she'd come barging in every time I made a weird-sounding snort because I must have swallowed my tongue or some poo poo. Can you put a lock on your door? You have the right to your own space here.
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Mar 24, 2021 22:46
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Haifisch posted:This is what I was thinking, although I wouldn't be surprised if that was followed up by your mom breaking down the door/banging on it so loud it wakes you up/calling 911/etc. It's going to be an argument, but it's a boundary that needs to be set. Mom needs to change behavior no matter what. I'm glad dad has at least half a spine. I think telling mom to get therapy, it's non-negotiable, etc, is better than threatening to kick her out. Thirding the baby monitor is a bad idea.
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Mar 24, 2021 23:11
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PoptartsNinja posted:Edit: Ask your dad if you can install an exterior door lock with a key rather than the standard interior locks with the safety pinhole. If you trust your father and have genuine concerns about your health, you can give him a copy of the key, but I'd make him promise to either not tell your mother he has it or otherwise find a way to secure it. Either way, she doesn't touch it for any reason and she can't interrupt your sleep without interrupting his first. No. This behavior should not be enabled, in any way. Mom's behavior needs to be addressed here. Which is difficult when you're dependent on a person like this who refuses to admit they have/are the problem. With people like this there's usually more than one issue as well. New behaviors will start popping up over time. e: Your heart's in the right place, but you cannot bargain with people like this. ohnobugs fucked around with this message at 02:38 on Mar 25, 2021 |
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Mar 25, 2021 02:34
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She allows you no boundaries at all. That's cool and normal 
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Mar 25, 2021 05:38
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With the pandemic a lot of people's jobs and options for making these kinds of changes went away or are on hold for a bit. I suspect John Murdoch's doing what they can in that regard. I will also suggest getting a PO box that psycho mom doesn't know about and start getting mail sent there. fake edit: spikes on the door.
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Mar 25, 2021 20:16
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Light Gun Man posted:there are probably cheaper options but i've been buying a tracfone every year or two for about 125~ bucks for phone+service and that's been working out pretty well thus far. a friend of mine is similarly trapped in a lovely abusive family situation and we just got him one to hopefully help remove barriers to him getting the gently caress out as well, hard to get ID or whatnot without one these days. Seconding Tracfone if you're in the US. You can get a starter one cheap on HSN, (a site that people should normally avoid like the plague) but if you don't care about having the best phone ever you can get an entry level smartphone and a year of service for $80. https://www.hsn.com/shop/cell-phones-and-accessories/ec0542-10962?sort=&skip=0&take=60&page=1&view=all Don't ask to be put on dad's plan, or it'll be on his (really mom's) terms.
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Mar 28, 2021 00:01
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I mean yes it's likely high considering what he's getting but imagine suddenly having to come up with a few more hundred dollars for rent. JM, it sounds more and more like your mother is at the beginning stages of some sort of dementia.
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Mar 28, 2021 20:13
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The Slack Lagoon posted:Hi everyone long time reader first time poster The sentence that comes after that "honor thy parents" is "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger." Feel free to call them out on their selective religious beliefs, or to stop calling them entirely. ben shapino posted:Buy your mom a nice bottle of wine and tell them you're going back to no contact. I like your style.
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Apr 8, 2021 03:46
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life is killing me posted:eschatology Run. Run away.
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Apr 8, 2021 04:11
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So tired of all these religious excuses for hateful behavior.
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Apr 8, 2021 22:27
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Lieutenant Dan posted:It's absolutely not a competition, bad poo poo happening to someone else doesn't mean it didn't happen to you, too! This 1,000%.
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Apr 16, 2021 19:53
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I would blow Dane Cook posted:I haven't followed this thread, but does the Meghan Markle/ Prince Harry saga match the estranged parents pattern? You want page 136.
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Apr 21, 2021 06:18
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My brother had to get a retainer when he was ten. He was refusing to wear it, so my dad went in to lecture him. Then he started screaming at him. Then he took the retainer he had just paid $2,000 for (which we got to hear about a lot) and threw it in the trash. My poor brother had had this thing for I think two whole days. Neither my brother or I got dental care after that, because we were ungrateful. v It's not a contest. ohnobugs fucked around with this message at 22:52 on Apr 24, 2021 |
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Apr 24, 2021 22:37
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Poo In An Alleyway posted:Did anyone else’s parent smack them for “misbehaving”, then smack them harder for crying about being smacked in the first place, causing you to scream in pain because you were being smacked and couldn’t figure out what to do to make it stop? Yep. "Stop doing the thing that I'm making it impossible for you to stop doing."
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Apr 24, 2021 23:59
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Jin Wicked posted:Undiagnosed autistic/ADHD/OCD as a child. Usually in trouble for my "smart mouth." I was also undiagnosed ADHD, also learned to stop reacting and giving the adult baby what he wanted. Didn't matter. He'd keep going regardless if his provocations worked or not, but I kept some dignity. I don't know how he lives with himself with what he's done. The weight of his denial must be crushing.
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Apr 25, 2021 00:35
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Mother's Day is a non-event for me. My mom's dead and my stepmother is an unrepentant narcissist. And I'm probably never having kids so...Lieutenant Dan posted:Mother's Day weekend loving blows. My dad called to warn me to wish my mom a happy mother's day, phrased: "You'd better wish her a happy Mother's Day, or....[trails off, long silence]". (I haven't spoken to my mom since she declared for the fiftieth loving time that she doesn't want to be my mom any more). I love being threatened into sending niceties Your father has no right to make these sorts of demands. People who don't live up to the role don't get mother's day wishes. I hope your weekend rules in spite of them.
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May 1, 2021 23:45
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Light Gun Man posted:We've been considering this exact plan, yes. Up to him i suppose. I told him we can get a few nights at a hotel to hopefully guard against this. I wonder if they would actually attempt to figure out which one he went to though... There's no car for them to recognize while cruising the parking lot, and he can request to stay privately or anonymously. That means the hotel won't give out his room number to randos. Might check and make sure that's an option for whichever hotel. Once he's out of the house, if they show up, he can call the police on their asses. Assuming he's over 18.
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May 4, 2021 01:07
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Light Gun Man posted:anyway, he's in a hotel now. hopefully it's just rideshares for a couple things and delivery food from here. chill at a hotel until plane time and gtfo. hopefully. So glad to hear he's already out the door. I hope he enjoys his new lower stress life.
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May 5, 2021 20:40
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Classic Comrade posted:i still have limited contact with my mom and sister and i hadn't been interested in completely severing. things between us are chill enough that talking on the phone once a month and getting together for holidays and stuff has never felt weird or bad. now that i think of it, i might just bring it up on one of those monthly phone calls. i dunno why i felt like doing it irl would be better honestly. i've been a huge ball of anxiety over it so i probably haven't been thinking about it clearly. i'm sort of... anticipating the grief of losing the rest of my family i guess. but i'm trying to get closer to my boyfriend's family (something i had a hard time doing for a long time bc of issues with my own family) and hopefully with vaccines and stuff gradually getting a bit safer i can continue to get more support and a stronger safety net. It's so hard to get out of that mindset of having to do X things for these people. Legit happy for you though.
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May 5, 2021 23:59
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Yes call the police and alert the management. They need to know, and he needs a new keycard or he's getting robbed again.
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May 7, 2021 02:05
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Didn't Oklahoma just pass a law that made it legal to murder protestors with a car? What a paradise.
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May 12, 2021 01:36
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Mormon Nailer posted:My mom called me to remind me that on this day 37 years ago I caused her immense pain. It's your day, not hers. Sounds like you have it planned out.
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May 20, 2021 01:26
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nishi koichi posted:i've lost the ability to tell who is joking and who isn't, but i was a c-section. she relied on her looks a lot and i guess i ruined her or something, between the difficulties of a preemie and "losing her looks" because of me, she hated me from the beginning, sort of liked me when she thought i was a cute little girl, and it only got worse when i started to become my own person and realize i was a dude Narcissists really love that time when you're small and dependent, and the narcissist parent is your whole world. And when you start to change, and grow up, and grow away they have a problem with that. They make everything harder than it has to be. For no drat reason. My mother told me about my birth once. It was a, "Here's what happened. Yeah it sucked, but this is what I went through," and that was it. My stepmother gave birth to three kids and would tell random people on the loving street about how hard it was, and how she had a hysterectomy, and other bullshit no one else cared about. She's a heartless loving loon. So is anyone who blames their kid for being born or stealing their youth or whatever else. Planet X posted:What a great story, I got a good laugh out of that I'm stupid and misreading things today. Sorry! ohnobugs fucked around with this message at 02:57 on May 20, 2021 |
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May 20, 2021 02:19
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Planet X posted:This is what I was chuckling at, the idea of supportive brothers chanting an abusive mother out of the room. I'm not sure what's so bad about that when others in the thread had the same reaction. Thanks for the clarification. You posted that after people posted a bunch of different stories. vv Yeah you're right. I'm dumb. Sorry ohnobugs fucked around with this message at 02:58 on May 20, 2021 |
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May 20, 2021 02:38
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LMAO my dad's actually stalked me, he knows I post here, and he would be ashamed to do what you've done, Rutibex's mom. Estranged parents are trash people.
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May 27, 2021 21:24
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BrigadierSensible posted:The part I find most unbelievable is the kid, (who is going to Uni next year), out of nowhere throwing his sisters dinner on the ground. That's not a thing a ~17 year old does. But as has been said, there could be hundreds of different family dynamics at play that we aren't being told about between mum sister and brother that would allow an incident like that to happen. It sounds like the final act in a long fight or ranting session where the son has finally had enough of his parents' bullshit. My father would pull this poo poo when we fought. He'd tell everyone about what happened when/if I'd finally react and leave out all the abusive poo poo he did to drive me to that point. Son's definitely getting punished for reacting to his parents yanking this money. v that's a cool and good post ohnobugs fucked around with this message at 03:00 on Jun 18, 2021 |
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Jun 18, 2021 02:03
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I'm coming up on a year of estrangement from my racist abusive dad in July. That I'll celebrate. v that's a nice idea ohnobugs fucked around with this message at 02:08 on Jun 21, 2021 |
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Jun 20, 2021 23:45
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ElHuevoGrande posted:I think something about having escaped and built a healthy, safe environment for myself required severing those sorts of emotional ties, permanently. I can understand on an academic level, sure yeah - people have good families that they like, and as such would be willing to do something inconvenient and awkward for the sake of a valued relationship. But on an emotional level, it doesn't make sense to me at all. Having strength to yeet my shitbag parents has also given me big "no, gently caress YOU dad" energy. Agreed. Without that relationship, which that 17-year-old and the stepsister don't have, going to that funeral just seems like an intrusive thing to do. I think dad asking is okay, but he should have accepted the "no" instead of throwing a shitfit. It seems like a "You're making me look bad HOW DARE YOU" sort of reaction.
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Jun 26, 2021 04:12
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mudskipp posted:Anyone got any tales of dealing with 'waking up' to presence of pretty bad domestic abuse by one parent, cutting them out but then having to deal with the strain in relationship with the other parent clinging to a fake reality and basically blaming you for bringing it up? If you mean success stories with enablers, no. Just be supportive.
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Jul 3, 2021 23:37
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mudskipp posted:That parent is only an enabler in the sense of being a trauma bonded victim of the abuser - they took the worst of it. This is not someone who is nobly protecting their child. This is someone willingly exposing them to this crap. Enablers can be, and often are, victims themselves. That does not excuse allowing abuse to happen to someone else. It's tough, because you want the best for them. I get it. But they don't want that change.
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Jul 4, 2021 08:23
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