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I would love a brainworms thread to vent in. My dad sent me an e-mail this weekend I am still facepalming over
HungryMedusa fucked around with this message at 02:39 on Aug 28, 2020 |
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Aug 28, 2020 02:32
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Oh boy, thanks. I might gather the courage to participate in that thread, but I am going to need some extra whiskey. This last e-mail my dad sent was more strange because of how passive aggressive it was. It was a forward about how great Trump is from my SUPER racist aunt to which he replied and copied me in. He added a message at the top that said something like "have you been watching Newsmax? (Relatives) have the China Virus. We are praying for them. (Joke about toilet paper.)" And then there was the forwarded mail that would fit great in that thread. It was mostly his way of telling me that our "relatives" have tested positive for covid. I guess he assumed I wouldn't know because since I don't talk to him much, I don't talk to anyone else? I already knew, since I have a relationship with the relatives and had already talked with them directly about it. Instead of a normal communication, my dad made it part of one of his forwards I usually delete en masse. At least now I know he watches Newsmax, which I had to google and yep it checks out. I just really wish he hadn't dragged my mom into this mindset, but I'm afraid they are both lost. All that is probably best saved for the other thread, though.
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Aug 28, 2020 03:42
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They all seem insufferable. The baby is probably thinking about estranging from them all
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Oct 30, 2020 17:44
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My dad wouldn't "let" me pay my own phone bill and buy the phone I wanted, so I called up the phone company, got a new number and bought a new phone on a new account. I also cut up the credit card from his account he had sent to me. I was 27 and engaged to be married. Fast forward however many years - think at least 15 - my adult sister is having trouble getting her daughter a new phone because my elderly penny pinching father is still on the contract. I am all for untangling that stuff as soon as you can, though I see how it can be hard for many reasons. Luckily I was able to break away financially and motivated to do it. My siblings have not been so lucky for different reasons, some their own fault and some not.
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Oct 30, 2020 23:17
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I am having a really hard time with my low contact family and need to see a mental health pro about it, but I am also super paranoid about text messages or Zoom recording everything I have to say. Anyone have any thoughts about that? I guess I can wait until it is safe to do in-person sessions again, but the last therapist I saw has since retired. Is it worth trying Zoom type therapy? Do any of the text based therapies help?
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Feb 20, 2021 05:39
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That makes sense, I will reach out and see if some of the providers in my plan do phone sessions. Thanks!
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Feb 20, 2021 05:46
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I am so scared to call/text/or even see my family members post on social media right now. I grew up near where Daunte Wright was murdered and I can not even fathom hearing my family members' hot takes on it. I heard enough about George Floyd from them last year and it makes me sick. I have had friends text me asking if my family is OK and I don't know how to respond. I feel so sad and super loving mad right now, but also amazingly guilty I have not called my family who live near the "unrest" I have had some false starts on therapy a few times this past year but I get so guilted by how bad I would make some of my family members seem. I don't know what to do. I know I should value my mental health over my family and their bullshit but I feel guilty for telling anyone how awful they are. Bonus guilt - my relatives have been in and out of the hospital so they are super confused why I don't want to call to check in with them. They interpret my silence as me not caring, but I just can not mentally handle it. HungryMedusa fucked around with this message at 03:47 on Apr 18, 2021 |
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Apr 18, 2021 03:37
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BaronVonVaderham posted:"You're just too young to understand how the world REALLY works, one day you'll figure that out" I've experienced both of these. The first one over the unrest in Mpls when George Floyd was murdered of all things. I think one of my parents said exactly "You'll feel different when you are our age" like great, I will become racist once I am an adult? That must kick in at 50, because I am not young. Luckily I will never catch up on the amount of fox news needed to break my brain that hard. Sorry your mom is stalking you, Rutibex. I am chuckling thinking about chud boomers reading these dumb forums. I imagine it goes as well as when my grandma and her church group all went to see Pulp Fiction.
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May 27, 2021 18:42
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My parents let me stay home for a week no questions asked when I was at my lowest in 8th grade. (I now understand that I was having a serious mental health crisis bordering on emergency.) I faked being physically sick to avoid some intense social/academic situations and because I was so "good" academically no one questioned it. No one came to even check on me, and I was hanging on by a thread. I stopped myself and I was able to hide the dark thoughts I was having for a little longer. When I had a more public freakout a couple years later, my dad gave me the sage advice "don't sweat the small stuff - and it's all small stuff!" It sums up my family's attitude towards depression. Bootstraps. And don't talk about it! Ever! It's not a big deal!
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Jun 12, 2021 05:29
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I am terrified of Thanksgiving. I am not fully estranged from my family, but it is extremely tense between us. Last time I talked to my mom on the phone she told me a very depressing racist anecdote about my dad - as kind of a brag? I am almost certain she is trying to bait me into an argument every single time we talk. So I haven't called to ask if they are doing Thanksgiving. My sister is unvaccinated which is an easy reason I feel like I could get out of it. Parents might not agree with my stance on that, but as old sick people they at least listened to doctors themselves and got vaxxed and can see my position. Complicating matters, my dad has stage 4? (they don't tell me things) cancer. I can't imagine he will make another Thanksgiving with all the health poo poo he has going. I feel like I should call and go and put on a happy face. But I can't even guarantee a call won't get me in a huge fight. So, I am being a coward and not calling my parents and just being stressed about Thanksgiving because apparently we can't make plans on my husbands side without knowing what my side is doing. I should probably have a talk with him about how he needs to back off, but to be fair to him he is as supportive as he can be since I have been fluctuating between "we have to see my family" and "I don't have a family." It's so confusing. This was the one really good point about Covid last year - we just stayed home and cooked a nice meal and no one was overly stressed about it. Ugh!
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Nov 11, 2021 01:20
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Ghostnuke posted:you are not a coward for not wanting to deal with people who stress you out. I think the big thing you need to think about is whether or not you're ok with not seeing your dad before he dies. This is a fair point. I might take the strategy of “we are not doing Thanksgiving, but will be there for Christmas” as a compromise and give it one last? go. I think going in with a plan I can call my mom about it.
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Nov 11, 2021 02:00
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Picnic Princess posted:I'd rather talk to my parents again  Sorry about your fingat
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Nov 14, 2021 04:58
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Boundaries are good. I am hoping to get in with a therapist face to face finally after trying online and finding it lacking so that’s good. I should hear today from the newest candidate and we will see if she is a good fit. I saw my parents last weekend and told them we had decided to stay home for Thanksgiving because my husband and I are getting the covid booster the day before which is true. The second one wiped me out, and I do not want to be inside with my sister and her family until after because she is not vaxxed. This of course sent them on a talking point rant about the cdc and delta isn’t bad and my sister actually is smart because she is super immune form getting covid last june and on and on. I asked them to stop / changed the subject at least three times. Gave up, stood and said “I am not doing this” and my mom laughed/ scoffed at me. So yay! I hate that this is the stupid hill I will die on, but it is typical of our interactions on anything. Maybe I should have not said we are getting the booster but jesus. I hope This therapist works out.
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Nov 17, 2021 20:48
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Happy Thanksgiving goons! I hope it goes as good as it can, skooma. Having to walk out sucks, but knowing you can and will if you have to is better than being stuck in a bad situation. I hope everyone's day goes smoothly! I am feeling just a little guilty for not seeing any extended family today, but my little family is making our own feast and I am going to enjoy it!
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Nov 25, 2021 19:25
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Picnic Princess posted:
Same here! I think I also had other friends who would have helped pull me up, but meeting my partner saved me. And I am still in danger of repeating terrible behaviors, but at least having outside perspective helps me see when I (or other people around me) are trending towards douche. I shudder to think of it, but gently caress I am so thankful for my husband and also my friends who have showed me what having real rewarding relationships are.
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Nov 26, 2021 02:56
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I just had a fight with a sibling about the vaccine again. So fun! This was in a phone call after I told them I wanted my parents to stop bringing up politics. Sibling asked if I had ever expressed this and I told them yes of course. Sibling agreed we should be able to not talk politics, but then 10 minutes later they brought up how I think everyone should get vaxxed. I tried to say I don't feel like that is a political issue - which it really should not be - and then I asked if we could please not talk about it because we will never agree. Of course sibling is anti vax. Sibling goes ahead and says we have to talk about it because my side has been heard and therefore I need to hear sibling's side. I asked a few more times to please not go there. Sibling kept going. I said some stuff I know was hurtful. I told them they are being selfish for not getting the vax and selfish for letting their teen contract covid instead of getting the shot. I feel like poo poo about it! Not sure I can handle hanging out with any of my family without it devolving into an argument. I wish I were stronger and could just not say anything! I feel like every conversation I have with my family is bait though. It really sucks. That medal story is really sad. Your partner is lucky to have you, and thank you for being patient with them as they realize wtf is going on
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Dec 11, 2021 02:21
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life is killing me posted:Ugh this is how conversations tend to go in my family too. It sucks rear end. It really does not. I asked several times to just please stop. I don't know what else to do at this point; guess I have to limit my conversations with family to 4 minutes or less,and even then it's a 50/50 chance of some shittiness
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Dec 11, 2021 02:48
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Ugh, that is awful. So sorry for your friend! Thank god the kid didn't get it!
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Dec 12, 2021 01:39
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trickybiscuits posted:
Don't apologize for posting a lot, I really appreciate your posts about estranged parents here and in the schad thread. I read this article and holy poo poo it is not helpful. The term "cancelling your parents" is going to give so many estranged boomers more ammo to think they are in the right and the "kids these days" in their 30s and 40s are just following something they saw on the internet and don't have actual agency over their own decisions or feelings. The article uses "Erica" as an example of someone who cut it all off and feels way better for it, but we all know it is not that simple. Even if you go low or no contact, there is always second guessing, guilt and the super awkward task of answering even the most innocent/easy questions about your family from everyone from other relatives to coworkers. That Tom/Joe example is like the exact opposite of what actually happens - and should happen - as evidenced by this thread. There is no "moving forward" without actually addressing the problems of the past. Just ignoring poo poo that happened is part of the reason people are estranged in the first place.
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Dec 13, 2021 04:20
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Yeah, my MIL has a key to our house. It would be for something like "went on a day trip that was supposed to be 6 hours, stuck in traffic, can you let the dog out," or "went on week vacation, can you check on the cat a few times." My MIL did not ask, we gave it because we trust them. Lady from Reddit seems passive aggressive enough to mean this:Poo In An Alleyway posted:An emergency means she needs someone to talk to so she’s going to go over to her son’s house unannounced so she can upend their day while they drop everything and listen to her problems. Or drop in on wife so she can "observe" her parenting, or drop in on grandkid because she "misses him." The missing reasons make it real suspect. E: Ghostnuke posted:Just found my bio dad on facebook, thinking about sending him a message. Never really met the guy, and never could get a straight answer out of mom on what happened there. Pretty disappointing though, looking at his profile he's a super chud. I would think on it and wait until after Christmas. Good luck, whatever you decide to do. If it were me, I would reach out to a therapist and talk about all of the possible outcomes and whether they will be helpful for you or not. HungryMedusa fucked around with this message at 03:17 on Dec 24, 2021 |
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Dec 24, 2021 03:12
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I got a new therapist in December and she has been super helpful in helping me set boundaries with my family. I made one simple one, “no politics.” Surprisingly my parents have done a good job honoring this boundary. My poo poo stirring sister did for 5 minutes. I have not called her since and my therapist has helped me not feel as insanely guilty as my sister would like me to feel. I wish she would get therapy, but my siblings think we have the perfect family and I am crazy for feeling otherwise. Good luck, Teen Witch. Even if you decide not to interact with your father, if you think you want therapy, I would pursue it. It has really helped me feel validated and less guilty about my family relationships
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Feb 5, 2022 19:45
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Lieutenant Dan posted:I suspect this, I think it's best I don't engage Sending good vibes that you find a good therapist quickly. It took me a couple tries this most recent time, on BetterHelp and in "person" to find someone, but now I have a really great therapist who is super helpful in letting me set boundaries, keep them, and not feel guilty about enforcing them. I hope you find someone who can help you navigate this without the loaded language and guilting your mom's therapist seems to be using.
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Apr 13, 2022 04:28
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I did email some therapists in my area to set up something for myself because wheeeew dealing with this poo poo is loving exhausting. It would take just as much time to explain to my parents' therapist what the problem is, as it would for me to explain it to my own therapist, so I might as well do that!
It happened two hours after the therapist thing, America is a land of contrasts
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Mother's Day is in 4 days in the US. My MIL wanted us to come over, and I feel bad because I said no. I have been a mom for a long time now and this day always makes me feel like absolute poo poo. Instead of having my own kid give me a card and then we chill or whatever it is always "Which family do we visit?" "What are we getting our moms?" "Who do we choose??" It feels like a weird contest because we often can not visit both families in one day, especially since we just did Easter. I would have liked to go visit my in-laws, but if my family found out they would be SO MAD and I can not do 2 gatherings in 1 day right now. So I put my foot down and said it is "my day" this year. I got some pushback and I still feel bad about it. My MIL had some trauma that made Mothers Day a huge deal in their close family, but the matriarch at the center of that has been gone for almost 10 years now. I feel for them, but I am taking this opportunity to jump up and say it's my turn (to do nothing for the love of god) Sorry for ranting here. I love my mom even if she is lost to Tumpf. I plan on sending her and my lovely MIL a mom's day gift, but I sill feel guilty AF that we are not visiting them both
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May 5, 2022 03:24
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Ghost Leviathan posted:There really is a point where the person you used to know is dead and gone, and they basically got replaced by Trump behind their eyes like some kind of mind parasite. My mom has been deep in the service of others all her life. I have friends from elementary school who are still friends with my mom on socials because my mom had been there for them and still is. She had neighbor kids where she was an amazing neighborhood grandma. The neighborhood had a couple immigrant families from different backgrounds at the time. When she stopped what we were doing a couple years ago (coloring kids coloring pages) to tell me she was all in on Tumpfr, I saw hate in her face. Hate for me. It still hurts me so bad. She isn't mean?? She wasn't. It all went bad. At least my parents have respected my boundaries about not talking about politics, but I know they think I am stupid at best. HungryMedusa fucked around with this message at 04:37 on May 5, 2022 |
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May 5, 2022 04:29
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I chose my best friend as my maid of honor but my sister and mom were not happy with it and convinced me to change it to my sister. My choice was my best friend - why would my sister even want it after that? They still have the attitude that my friends/husband have been trying to steal me away, even now after I really am out of their grasp. I still regret giving in. There isn't a border my sister still won't stomp all over, but I have become much better at setting boundaries and pushing back.life is killing me posted:Cool. My dad texts back today and says, “Thanks for the text for Father’s Day, but I’m sad you didn’t call me.” I emailed mine and felt guilty as gently caress all day, but I just didn't have it in me to call. I don't think mine has EVER called me to wish me anything, either. Glad you spent father's day with your son; that is what is important.
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Jun 22, 2022 01:04
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Xlorp posted:My mother passed this morning. I have no idea if or when I'm going to feel anything about that. Don't judge yourself too harshly. Take the time to feel what you feel -- or don't feel. It isn't easy to lose a parent, regardless of your relationship with them. Take care of yourself 
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Aug 21, 2022 05:35
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Haschel Cedricson posted:Incidentally, I've been thinking about the whole "Why can't you move on/past it" phrasing and realized that the person asking that question doesn't actually want that. They want to move back to the way things used to be, and accepting that our relationship now is what it is and won't be what it was is exactly what moving forward is. This is spot on. They want to be able to go back to a time before you put up boundaries or stuck up for yourself. They don't want to acknowledge the actual problem, or fix things; they want to go back to before they got called on their behavior.
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Sep 18, 2022 02:36
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bee posted:This is exactly what happened when I stupidly tried to explain to my brother why I couldn't handle having my mum in my life (and by extension, my kid's life) anymore. His response was basically to acknowledge that she wasn't going to change, but since she's old and unwell and is probably not going to be around much longer I should just put up with her garbage behaviour and "move on" from all the terrible, lovely things she's done in the past. Yeah, a lot of this sounds really familiar. Making excuses for bad behavior because someone is older or has "always been like that" or is sick - my family are experts at it. I still feel guilty about this stuff, but luckily my therapist is pretty understanding and helps me keep boundaries. My one sibling especially has a really strange relationship with my parents where every shortcoming my parents had is actually a way they were super secretly doing it for our benefit and I just don't understand! I have tried to gently urge this sibling into therapy - or at least to hear where I am coming from, but they aren't ready. Hopefully they will get there
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Sep 18, 2022 04:14
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life is killing me posted:I feel you. When I met my wife’s parents for the first time (we weren’t married yet), it was at her brother’s Halloween party. In fact that was the first time I met her youngest brother too, lots of firsts that night. Anyway, her parents came to the party, dressed up in costume, interacted with their three children and all their friends. I wasn’t even sure what to do with that honestly, my dad would’ve scoffed at the idea of going to such a thing, especially wearing a costume, and wouldn’t have interacted with me or my friends if he did deign to go. My father-in-law has since passed, and he was close with his kids. My mother-in-law is basically my wife’s best friend, they talk probably every day. My dad moans that I never call him, but when I do he has little to say to me other than politics or some poo poo. I have little I need or want from him at all. Seeing a not-dysfunctional family with loving parents who go to their adult kids’ Halloween parties was kind of a shock and really made me long for that kind of thing with my own family. Same to this and what Prince Reggie K said. I have always felt bad being low contact with my parents because there was never physical abuse, but the more I think about it and the more I go to therapy the more I realize how messed up our family dynamics are/were. My dad died this summer and I finally got him to say "I love you too" after saying it so many awkward times with nothing back. I was desperate for some kind of validation from him - a tiny interest in me or my kid - his grandkid - that we never really got. Instead I was mocked for pretty much every activity I did or interest my husband our kid and I had. It got to the point where we just didn't really talk about our lives to my family at all when we saw them once or twice a year. I am so thankful for the relationships that have come into my life that have treated me like an equal or an adult - my parents never got there. My in laws are awesome normal people who I can talk to and would definitely go to a costume party if invited. My siblings would keel over if I said our parents were deficient in any way. They were under my controlling dad's spell - you need his approval to get his money, after all. Being made fun of constantly by your own parents sucks. Never being validated by them sucks. I didn't realize how damaging this all is until a few years ago and pray I haven't already undermined my own relationship with my kid by not hearing them or honoring their feelings. Ugh
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Nov 5, 2022 03:00
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SulfurMonoxideCute posted:I'm still terrified to this day to just act like myself in front of others, relentless mocking from the people who you're supposed to feel safe around really diminishes a person. I feel ya. It's a tough thing to mentally overcome. You deserve better
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Nov 5, 2022 04:04
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I feel bad for that woman, but the answer is right there and she will never see it. She only thinks about herself to the extreme. That daughter has hung in there admirably - sounds like she sets boundaries and everything. The woman is talking herself into being left alone to die way sooner because she can't stop herself. And her daughter, grandson and son-in-law are all just dolls she should be able to play with like barbies, bopping up and down saying "yes, grandma; you're right grandma, you're so smart grandma!!" When I read the fiction line I chuckled because my first thought was "lady, THIS is fiction." Just the amount of projecting thoughts and feelings on to her daughter. This woman doesn't know her kid AT ALL and doesn't want to. She wants an idealized version of whatever she thought having a kid would be. And for most of these people having a kid goes - cute baby - obedient child - adult that worships me and wants to change my diapers because I did that for 3 years 40 years ago; but also while they dote on me I sprinkle fox news quotes around like fairy dust.
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Nov 29, 2022 00:59
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Merry Xmas, everyone. Be good to yourselves.
HungryMedusa fucked around with this message at 13:25 on Dec 25, 2022 |
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Dec 25, 2022 07:57
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Crocobile, I am sorry you are going through this. I had/have a similar thing going on with my family and boundaries are hard. I luckily had a good therapist I found when it was clear the rest of my family thought that my dad could miraculously beat stage 4 cancer on a tobacco and red meat diet. She helped me to remember to put myself as a priority. It’s a whirlwind no matter what. I urge you to give yourself space when you need it. You have permission to say no to whatever you want to. No feelings are out of bounds. It’s complicated and family can be opportunistic jerks. Take time to look out for you.
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May 6, 2023 02:04
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SulfurMonoxideCute posted:I had another realization recently about adult behavior. I hide what I'm doing from everyone. . . Me too. Although I would argue it wasn't because you (or I) was too sensitive to handle it - it was weaponized teasing from insecure people who never felt like they themselves could like anything without mockery. I am still trying to break out of that cycle. Teasing was so normalized in my family that I didn't realize how damaging it can be until fairly recently. It's eye opening to realize these dynamics. And real tough to realize I do it too. Hopefully recognizing it can help - a lot of my family members aren't even there yet.
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Jun 2, 2023 03:26
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capitalcomma posted:His success comes from giving people like him permission to be unapologetically selfish and self-indulgent. If society made them restrain their narcissistic tendencies pre-2016, they feel they have license now to live unrestrained. It's why they love him. Seriously, this. Both my parents became more vocal about their awful opinions post 2016 helped along by probably 12 hours a day of right wing tv. The worst part was that especially my mom has said some things to me and seemed delighted that I was upset by them, almost as if she knew they would be and did it anyway! I also have a neighbor that absolutely embodies this. He is a total rear end in a top hat to everyone around and if you ask him to maybe not listen to blaring classic rock at 1 am or please don't burn trash he gets very "i do what I want, muh rights!" He also made a point of telling us he is an "anti vaxxer anti masker" maybe 50 times because people like him need other people to hear how selfish they are. They feed off it.
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Jun 6, 2023 23:42
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HungryMedusa fucked around with this message at 15:02 on Jun 19, 2023 |
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Jun 19, 2023 04:48
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In the other video she admits her daughter wrote her a letter telling her exactly what she did and how to fix it but she won't be told what to do by the daughter. And she blames politics though she "isn't that political" so yeah she didn't listen to a drat thing her kid asked
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Nov 7, 2023 01:06
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I don't know if I will see my family for Thanksgiving. I told my sister we are going to my partner's family celebration so we should do something Friday or Saturday instead and to let me know what works. This was 3-4 weeks ago. I have not heard from her - my sister will no doubt bring up a last minute time that sucks for me so we don't go and she can check off another box about how she cares more for my parents* than I do. *Especially my dead dad! Somehow they are all still considering his opinion. He was such a controlling dick that his opinion is A#1 a year and a half after he died. Fun! I haven't talked to my mom since like May. I feel absolutely tortured about it. I know I should call her but I am so scared she will say something mean about pretty much anything. When she mocked me for wanting to be at the George Floyd protests my soul left my body. Still, since my dad died I am supposed to have called Mom more but I honestly feel like any new call to her could be the one where I can't any more. It has been very clear that she does not like me, no matter how many times she says she loves me. I am a dirty liberal and that is bad!! gently caress. I wish my mom liked me. That sucks! I need to call her but I get such panic. gently caress.
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Nov 19, 2023 06:23
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Arsenic Lupin posted:Supposed by whom? Think about that. Who is supposing. And do you believe they have authority over you? These are good points - it was/is my sister who has brought this all up. I think if my mom wanted to she would reach out to me. That is what hurts so much - my mom barely reached out to me after voting Turnip 2020. But somehow I am the one who feels guilty about being low contact. I guess it is other people asking about my family that makes me feel bad and second guess all of this.
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Nov 19, 2023 07:28
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An Interesting Article posted:She stressed that this is the source of the disconnect between younger and older generations that is fueling estrangement. "[Our kids] have access to mental health information that I didn't have access to," she said. Good for this woman for letting her therapist help her and for figuring this out. I hope her son is truly benefiting from it. My mom would NEVER go to therapy even though I think it would help her a lot. She was raised knowing she was in a messed up family and for her family (and I think my dad's too) - if you had family trauma the way to heal it is to PRETEND EVERYTHING IS FINE. No matter what. If you have a traditional family of your own, that is the trophy that means you have bootstrapped your way past all of your past traumas and they don't count any more. Doesn't matter if your own kids have behavior issues, or get pregnant as a teen, or drunk drive, or enter abusive relationships. To them those are separate moral failings. The kids hosed up on their own! These "rejected" parents are in deep denial that trauma can have lasting effects. It's kind of the same thought process as my parents' conservative politics. They can not go backward from their judging of someone who wants an abortion/ lives in a tent downtown/ is an immigrant / to the trauma that might have set things in motion for that person. So I guess in conclusion it isn't just that younger people have better information on mental health but also have the ability to want to tap in to that knowledge. People like my mom just are not interested in healing their trauma because they had it drilled in to them that even acknowledging trauma is some kind of moral failing. it's hosed up!
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Dec 22, 2023 00:39
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