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Icon Of Sin
Dec 26, 2008




Found in the schadenfreude thread. Based on what I’ve read about marines in this very forum, it feels slightly tame. Not 4 dudes banging the same woman while Schneider was on duty (RIP), or someone making GBS threads out half his body weight in the driver’s seat...but still worth a chuckle.

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Vincent Van Goatse
Nov 8, 2006

Don't be so gloomy. After all it's not that awful. Like the fella says, in Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance.




Smellrose

The Ballad of McAnus, USMC

Inferno985 posted:

My favorite Marine ever was a most unusual fellow from somewhere in eastern Tennessee who was about 5'1"/105 lbs, balding, had a cleft lip, and strong Appalachian southern accent. His name was McCamus. He loved rap music and patriotic poetry, and would occasionally brand himself "MC Amus" and spit out a rap he claimed was freestyle, but actually the same lyrics every time.

I was a Sgt when he checked into the battalion, and I distinctly remember his Alpha blouse covered in wrinkles, as he had apparently wadded it up in his sea bag during the trip from MOS school to Camp Lejeune. It was too late in the day to have him go fix anything, so the other Sgt in the company office and I told him to go ahead and check in with the 1stSgt, who promptly started screaming obscenities before he could even report.

He would sometimes wake up at 3 or 4 am and brew coffee over an open flame he lit in the grill outside the barracks. It was awful and he didn't strain the grounds. He would then knock on peoples doors asking them if they wanted any.

If he didn't wake up at 3 or 4 to brew coffee, he would sleep in and miss formation/pt/whatever because he would go to bed at 1 or 2 and not set an alarm. Thankfully he was not in my platoon so I didn't have to deal with fixing this stuff.

He would hit on ANY girl, regardless of rank, level of attractiveness, etc. He would use corny pick up lines like "did it hurt..... when you fell from heaven?" Every single girl I know of that he hit on thought it was hilarious; he was so small that not a single one of them ever thought he was creepy.

My company went on a field ex where I ended up sitting ECP duty for our COC the entire time so that the junior guys could get practice in conducting ops. The ex lasted a week, and every single night he would come to the ECP and regale me with his life story, which subsequently changed each time he told it. There were some common elements: someone always died, sometimes it was his dad, sometimes his girlfriend, sometimes his unborn baby after his girlfriend got hit by a bus. His little brother beat him up, his girlfriend got an abortion just to spite him, he joined the Marines Corps to get away from Appalachian hitmen who wanted him dead. I have no idea whether he realized he was telling me different life stories every night.

He was slated for a MEU because he was the only one around to fill a specific MOS line number on the T/O, and managed to deploy despite threatening to kill his SSgt because they had no one else to fill his job (ELINT).

Ultimately he got kicked out of the Marines for taking TS paperwork outside the SCIF. A friend of mine was lucky enough to be on duty when NCIS dissected his room to make sure he didn't have any more. When they went to knock on his door, no one answered. They used the master key to get in, and found him butt naked and asleep on the bathroom floor, having konked out while taking a dump. According to my friend, his room contained over 100 hand made knives consisting of crappily carved handles with cheap blades he took out of folding pocket knives, homemade bow and arrows that barely worked, bottles filled with a urine and semen mix (the rooms in the barracks had their own bathrooms) berries he picked from the forest that he was storing in his clothes drawers, and a $250 bottle of scotch that he wasn't old enough to legally drink. After this event, the same friend told me that McCamus had asked him for advice on how to turn everything around and become a good Marine. This was after something like 4 NJPs and a pending ADSEP, he honestly had no grasp of the fact that he was done at that point.

Inferno985 posted:

I want to say he checked in to 2d Radio Bn sometime in 2008. He was kicked out after I PCS'd, don't know the exact timeline. Most Marine SIGINTers in during that timeframe should know his name, he's still famous even now.

Another one I just remembered, two of my Marines was at the rec center and noticed that McCamus was logged onto one of the computers there. He got up and left without logging out or closing the browser, so naturally my guys went to check out what he had been doing. He was roleplaying as a werewolf on some kind of chat room, so they immediately printed the logs. The chat logs showed an intricate roleplay between him and some other folks involving werewolves, werebears, rabbits, and God knows what else. Naturally, they were sexually explicit. He also was inserting names into the story of other people from our unit who he didn't actually hang out with...I guess he just thought they were cool enough dudes to be characters in his roleplay chat.

Wild T
Dec 15, 2008

The point I'm trying to make is that the only way to come out on top is to kick the Air Force in the nuts, beart it savagely with a weight and take a dump on it's face.

For some reason that reminds me of a guy I went to Air Traffic Control tech school with back in 2002 whose name I've long forgotten. Dude was mostly harmless, but a shameless nerd with a thick lisp (how that didn't disqual him for a job that involves talking for a living tells you about the wonders of MEPS doctors). He'd routinely pick his nose with a pair of tweezers, use the same tweezers to pop various zits and blackheads on his face, and without fail would eat whatever those tweezers got ahold of.

It was an rear end in a top hat move on my part, but the guy grossed me out so much that I still don't feel regret. See, despite everyone knowing of him as the gross weirdo with the lisp, he thought everyone was his buddy and would be blissfully unaware that I was loving with him. I think he was just happy to have someone to talk to honestly. So I walked up to him one day and asked, "Hey, Guy, what's that thing called where plants turn sunlight into food?" He beams and blurts out "you mean photothynthethith? You know, photo like light, thynthethith like making thingth?!"



The name I do remember is Schaeffer, a guy I was deployed with at Bagram back around 2006. The term incel didn't exist then, but Schaeffer was the proto-incel. He was Comm, obviously. The first time I met him I was supposed to be sharing a Humvee with him while hours guarding Afghan construction workers on a runway. Within five minutes of introducing me he'd informed me that he was 23, still a virgin, and had a hard drive with 100 gigs of porn and 200 gigs of anime porn. Fun intro to a guy you're going to have to listen to for 12 hours. It became a running gag on our team to try to finally get Schaeffer laid (and even got a volunteer from a haggard-looking, heavyset, bleach-blonde Security Forces guardsman), but he'd refuse every time because he wouldn't settle for anything less than a perfect supermodel. We started calling him Sonic The Hedgehog because he'd always wear his full PT gear, including his jacket in the Afghan summer, and run at full speed everywhere he went, with his arms just kinda flopped around behind as he did so. Was Naruto a thing back then? It kinda looked like that.

The only thing Schaeffer liked more than anime, porn, and anime porn was EVE Online. Dude had sunk something like 10 G's into virtual spaceships on A1C pay and spent every minute he could in his room, playing it or moderating some EVE forum on the lovely Bagram circa 2006 internet connection. Every time I read about Goonswarm loving with EVE Online players, I remember Schaeffer and hope they hosed with him the hardest.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004



Wild T posted:

Was Naruto a thing back then? It kinda looked like that.

Anime started in 2002.

Vincent Van Goatse
Nov 8, 2006

Don't be so gloomy. After all it's not that awful. Like the fella says, in Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance.




Smellrose

Wild T posted:

The only thing Schaeffer liked more than anime, porn, and anime porn was EVE Online. Dude had sunk something like 10 G's into virtual spaceships on A1C pay and spent every minute he could in his room, playing it or moderating some EVE forum on the lovely Bagram circa 2006 internet connection. Every time I read about Goonswarm loving with EVE Online players, I remember Schaeffer and hope they hosed with him the hardest.

Finally, we found the mastermind of the Benghazi attack.

Wild T
Dec 15, 2008

The point I'm trying to make is that the only way to come out on top is to kick the Air Force in the nuts, beart it savagely with a weight and take a dump on it's face.

CainFortea posted:

Anime started in 2002.

Googled it, and it looks like Naruto started back in the 90s, so yeah, it probably was from that. At the time we thought he was pretending to be an airplane or something.

Not so much an idiot story, but there was also a guy at my first base named Lofton who would always hang out in our group of friends. Lofton was a heavyset black guy from somewhere in the deep south, and quite possibly the most homophobic guy I've ever met. When you see those posts on Facebook making fun of guys who think washing their buttcrack is gay? That level of homophobia. Of course that gave our group of friends the perfect material to constantly gently caress with him in ways that would get us EO'd so fast now:

- The dorms had two rooms sharing a bathroom. His suitemate was in on it, so he let one of my friends into the bathroom where he proceeded to shave his crotch with Lofton's electric razor, then showed him pictures weeks later after Lofton had been using it on his face.
- When he bought a car, someone stuck a discreet pink triangle sticker on his bumper (along with several other people's cars). He drove around rural Mississippi with that gay pride bumper sticker for several days before noticing and taking it off.
- We all received mail in PO boxes, and one day one of us saw Lofton checking his mail. Someone went on five or six gay porn sites and signed up for their newsletters using his address, resulting in Lofton (and presumably anyone else with that PO box after he moved) getting a never-ending barrage of gay porn mailers in their box.

Personally I was convinced he was a closet case, so maybe it was less a prank and more hey, free porn.

20 Blunts
Jan 21, 2017



my brother's been out for a bit and got some orders "to muster"

mustering sounds idiotic

Ceiling fan
Dec 26, 2003

I really like ceilings.


Dead Man’s Band



Softface posted:

You never forget your first time in combat. I'll never forget mine.

We were mounted up, people were coming out of their houses to wish us well. Man, we were scared, and we looked it. We thought we had been trained, but you can't train for the real thing. When we started moving out....man, its like we didn't even know how to use our equipment. Suddenly it felt that our uniforms were loose-fitting, our helmets falling over our eyes. Nerves, I guess.

Then it happened. Contact - front. We hadn't even dismounted. People have no idea. They think you'll remember the smell of GSR, the supersonic cracks, poo poo like that. I can't remember a loving thing about any of that poo poo, its a blur. What sticks with you though, what sticks with you 100 percent is what your comrades are saying, when they're hit, when they're fighting, when they're scared.

I'll never forget the words "What is wrong with you Abu Hajar!?!" being roared at me by my panicking comrades.

War is hell, kiddos.

Scratch Monkey
Oct 25, 2010

Proč bychom se netěšili když nám Pán Bůh zdraví dá?


Eugene V. Dubstep
Oct 4, 2013



Autistic Edgy Guy posted:

my brother's been out for a bit and got some orders "to muster"

mustering sounds idiotic

It's $200 for a ~15 minute appointment where you just tell a SSG 'no' over and over. I wish I had mustered every day.

canyoneer
Sep 13, 2005


I only have canyoneyes for you




Army blew up meemaw

A Bad Poster
Sep 25, 2006
Seriously, shut the fuck up.



Testing the effects of C4 on Alzheimer's.

Lemniscate Blue
Apr 21, 2006

Here we go again.

Fun Shoe

"Maybe we can just knock those amyloid plaques off! Wait, where are you going?"

stinkypete
Nov 27, 2007
wow

That is how I want to go Supporting Science and Explosives. Strap me into a high explosive hell chair and let it rip. In all kidding aside I hope when I naturally die my donated body tissue goes to someone needing a tissue donation rather than a body part outlet.

Vincent Van Goatse
Nov 8, 2006

Don't be so gloomy. After all it's not that awful. Like the fella says, in Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance.




Smellrose

Yeah, I honestly wouldn't mind getting dynamited to bits after death. Especially if my body ends up getting blown into the air and cartwheeling around before hitting the ground.

Wild T
Dec 15, 2008

The point I'm trying to make is that the only way to come out on top is to kick the Air Force in the nuts, beart it savagely with a weight and take a dump on it's face.

I love Hunter Thompson writing a ridiculous funeral request as a joke (involving his ashes being shot out of a cannon, mounted in a giant two-thumbed fist clutching a button of peyote) and Johnny Depp just saying "gently caress it, I'll pay for it. Let's do it."

Davethulhu
Aug 12, 2003

Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.

Morbid Hound

In the blasted, road-warrior future that awaits us, the smart money is on "decorative skull".

canyoneer
Sep 13, 2005


I only have canyoneyes for you


Davethulhu posted:

In the blasted, road-warrior future that awaits us, the smart money is on "decorative skull".

ńatitas my dude

Wild T
Dec 15, 2008

The point I'm trying to make is that the only way to come out on top is to kick the Air Force in the nuts, beart it savagely with a weight and take a dump on it's face.

A Hall story from the last thread:

quote:

Kandahar Poo Pond stories are always fun.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned Hall in this thread before. The weird, West Virginia-raised, pedophile autist comm SrA who smelled like moldy garbage and whose voice sounded like... Well, like a retarded chimo from WV. Anyway, Hall ended up on night shift in the TOC they stuck me in at KAF. One day after my shift I had to run a message to Hall about an upcoming change to the hours.

His building was nearly adjacent to the poo pond with an uninterrupted view, doors facing straight toward it so that everyone living there got to see it first thing every morning when they stepped outside. I go in and find Hall's room, open the door and get sucker punched by the combined reek of three months old pizza boxes, rotten DFAC food and the unmistakable odor of a generally stinky rear end in a top hat. It actually blew my mind that I was standing only a few dozen yards away from thousands of gallons of raw human sewage and this grown adult's room actually smelled way worse than it did outside.

Normally the shacks were four to a room, but everyone they put with Hall would bitch so much that they evidently stopped giving him roommates. So his festering, stinky pile of filth was free to slowly expand through the entire shack.

McNally
Sep 12, 2007

Ask me about Proposition 305


The old thread is Goldmined. Long live the Idiots Thread.

https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3519705

Volmarias
Dec 31, 2002


Thank you to everyone who is mining the best of the old thread and putting it here for us to read.

M_Gargantua
Oct 16, 2006

STOMPIN' ON INTO THE POWER LINES

Exciting Lemon

I mean the "best" is in some ways the worst which is what makes it the best?

It's a land of contrast and I can't post most of my stories because to no one who's read my posting's surprise, i'm the idiot in the story.

Wibla
Feb 16, 2011


We won't judge you for being the idiot

Malachite_Dragon
Mar 31, 2010

Weaving Merry Christmas Magic


Fallen Rib

I mean, we will a little, but everyone's the idiot at least once.

Not me though, I'm a civilian.
... Wait...

Doc Hawkins
Jun 15, 2010

"Roll on, thou deep and dark blue ocean, roll!"



a post in the other-other idiots thread reminded me of this one

CMYK BLYAT!
Nov 7, 2011

tolko zhaesh, poshli ikh na X
ne umru ya, moi drug, nikogda!

Thank you thread for leading me to discover that there is a pool of human excrement in Afghanistan with 269 Google reviews, most quite positive.

The world is an amazing place.

A Bad Poster
Sep 25, 2006
Seriously, shut the fuck up.



Doc Hawkins posted:

a post in the other-other idiots thread reminded me of this one

As hilarious as this is to know about her, and as much as I hate Dick Cheney, I'm not going to begrudge anyone on figuring out a way to get out of going to Vietnam, even if it is a bit classist. If I were facing down being drafted I'd fight tooth and nail not to get gang pressed into service.

Scratch Monkey
Oct 25, 2010

Proč bychom se netěšili když nám Pán Bůh zdraví dá?


There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to fight in a morally indefensible war. Avoiding a war while being a member of a political party that insists that you are weak and a coward if you don’t fight, however...

Scratch Monkey fucked around with this message at 12:32 on Aug 4, 2019

evil_bunnY
Apr 2, 2003



A Bad Poster posted:

As hilarious as this is to know about her, and as much as I hate Dick Cheney, I'm not going to begrudge anyone on figuring out a way to get out of going to Vietnam, even if it is a bit classist. If I were facing down being drafted I'd fight tooth and nail not to get gang pressed into service.
It's the hypocrisy, not the draft-dodging. Keep up.

Internet Wizard
Aug 9, 2009

BANDAIDS DON'T FIX BULLET HOLES


Much like Cadet Bonespurs and Ted “I crapped myself to get out” Nugent

Doc Hawkins
Jun 15, 2010

"Roll on, thou deep and dark blue ocean, roll!"



yeah, i think it's slightly hosed up to bring an entire human life into the world to dodge a draft which you support

but of course they were probably already considering having a child and just moved the timetable forward

Icon Of Sin
Dec 26, 2008




Not a very long story, unfortunately. Saw a pic of a toilet with a post-it note on it, and remembered this winner.

OCS, first weekend we can actually go out. We suspect our commander is an alcoholic, since he gave us a 5 drink limit for the night. Realistically, this is difficult to enforce on anyone not staying at the barracks, so a bunch of us got hotel rooms. One poor soul that decided not have a hotel room got utterly shitfaced, and on his way back in decided to stop in the cadre bathroom to take a dump. Not a big deal, except when you leave what would’ve been a bowl-wrapping turd in the middle of the floor, then make enough noise to wake up the poor captain stuck on duty that night. Compounding matters: if you say “ok, I’ll clean it up!” then utterly fail to do exactly that, what choice do the cadre have but to recall every. single. one of us at 7AM the next morning? Thanks, Phantom Shitter!

For like 2 weeks afterwards someone went around posting signs on the toilets, that said “AUTHORIZED DROP ZONE” with a few crudely drawn turds for good measure.

...this guy only got recycled to the next class, where he became a commissioned officer

There was also the next guy, at our first actual officer training (BOLC II; no longer exists, because even the army realized it was a waste of time). We had a mileage limit on our weekend passes, and (again) no realistic way to enforce those unless you got caught outside and it was reported somehow back to the cadre at BOLC II. Panama City Beach was juuuust outside whatever that limit was, which would’ve been easy enough to hide as long as you didn’t brag about it, or didn’t get arrested. Our Hero failed on the second bit, and failed hard. He got arrested for assaulting a police officer while hammered, outside of our pass radius...which gave our command multiple ways to gently caress with him. In addition to whatever civil/criminal penalties he picked up for his scuffle, he managed to pick up a General Officer Memo of Reprimand (GOMR), which were an utter career-ender then. No promotion past 1LT (if you even made that), which would eventually force you out of the army entirely. Never heard whatever became of his case, everyone moved on to their next schools and he got to stay at BOLC II until the GOMR process was done, alongside the criminal trial.

Moron #3: a bn XO gets caught putting porn on SIPRNet. Not just “someone found it, and traced it back to where it came from”, but “got caught watching it and beating off in his office by his commander”. This was in Afghanistan, and he was relieved ( ) on the spot.

EBB
Feb 15, 2005

What, Me Worry?


The only thing I got out of BOLC II was six solid weeks of drinking and permanent damage to my left ear.

Icon Of Sin
Dec 26, 2008




Sounds like you got more out of it than anyone else did!

Actually, I take that back. As much of a joke as it was, the field part was actually more intensive than IOBC. We started IOBC in mid April or so, and by the time we were done with classes and rolling to the field it was summer at Benning Our battalion commander was extremely risk-averse, I guess? None of the companies trained a lot during the heat, leaving us in our insulated tents for hours on end with nothing to really do. The guy that replaced him (most of the way through my cycle) was a former ranger school XO, so the guys that came after us got to start that particular suck-fest early.

Guest2553
Aug 3, 2012


Icon Of Sin posted:

Moron #3: a bn XO gets caught putting porn on SIPRNet. Not just “someone found it, and traced it back to where it came from”, but “got caught watching it and beating off in his office by his commander”. This was in Afghanistan, and he was relieved ( ) on the spot.

TS/SI/NOPORN

Icon Of Sin
Dec 26, 2008




Guest2553 posted:

TS/SI/NOPORN

you magnificent bastard

NAPALM STICKS TO
Jun 22, 2005



Guest2553 posted:

TS/SI/NOPORN

wait i have seen hella porn on JIANT back in my day this was a commonly known and accepted thing

Scratch Monkey
Oct 25, 2010

Proč bychom se netěšili když nám Pán Bůh zdraví dá?


Icon Of Sin posted:

Moron #3: a bn XO gets caught putting porn on SIPRNet. Not just “someone found it, and traced it back to where it came from”, but “got caught watching it and beating off in his office by his commander”. This was in Afghanistan, and he was relieved ( ) on the spot.

Did they let him finish?

Lemniscate Blue
Apr 21, 2006

Here we go again.

Fun Shoe

Scratch Monkey posted:

Did they let him finish?

Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

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Flying_Crab
Apr 12, 2002



Guest2553 posted:

TS/SI/NOPORN

So uh porn spillage from JWICS to SIPR? I’m sure there are some good stories regarding actual spillage, I remember hearing about someone who hand jammed TS/SCI material into SIPR for some godforsaken idiotic reason. Like that takes a special kind of idiot.

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