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Found in the schadenfreude thread. Based on what I’ve read about marines in this very forum, it feels slightly tame. Not 4 dudes banging the same woman while Schneider was on duty (RIP), or someone making GBS threads out half his body weight in the driver’s seat...but still worth a chuckle.
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# ? Sep 1, 2024 03:09 |
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The Ballad of McAnus, USMCInferno985 posted:My favorite Marine ever was a most unusual fellow from somewhere in eastern Tennessee who was about 5'1"/105 lbs, balding, had a cleft lip, and strong Appalachian southern accent. His name was McCamus. He loved rap music and patriotic poetry, and would occasionally brand himself "MC Amus" and spit out a rap he claimed was freestyle, but actually the same lyrics every time. Inferno985 posted:I want to say he checked in to 2d Radio Bn sometime in 2008. He was kicked out after I PCS'd, don't know the exact timeline. Most Marine SIGINTers in during that timeframe should know his name, he's still famous even now.
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For some reason that reminds me of a guy I went to Air Traffic Control tech school with back in 2002 whose name I've long forgotten. Dude was mostly harmless, but a shameless nerd with a thick lisp (how that didn't disqual him for a job that involves talking for a living tells you about the wonders of MEPS doctors). He'd routinely pick his nose with a pair of tweezers, use the same tweezers to pop various zits and blackheads on his face, and without fail would eat whatever those tweezers got ahold of. It was an rear end in a top hat move on my part, but the guy grossed me out so much that I still don't feel regret. See, despite everyone knowing of him as the gross weirdo with the lisp, he thought everyone was his buddy and would be blissfully unaware that I was loving with him. I think he was just happy to have someone to talk to honestly. So I walked up to him one day and asked, "Hey, Guy, what's that thing called where plants turn sunlight into food?" He beams and blurts out "you mean photothynthethith? You know, photo like light, thynthethith like making thingth?!" The name I do remember is Schaeffer, a guy I was deployed with at Bagram back around 2006. The term incel didn't exist then, but Schaeffer was the proto-incel. He was Comm, obviously. The first time I met him I was supposed to be sharing a Humvee with him while hours guarding Afghan construction workers on a runway. Within five minutes of introducing me he'd informed me that he was 23, still a virgin, and had a hard drive with 100 gigs of porn and 200 gigs of anime porn. Fun intro to a guy you're going to have to listen to for 12 hours. It became a running gag on our team to try to finally get Schaeffer laid (and even got a volunteer from a haggard-looking, heavyset, bleach-blonde Security Forces guardsman), but he'd refuse every time because he wouldn't settle for anything less than a perfect supermodel. We started calling him Sonic The Hedgehog because he'd always wear his full PT gear, including his jacket in the Afghan summer, and run at full speed everywhere he went, with his arms just kinda flopped around behind as he did so. Was Naruto a thing back then? It kinda looked like that. The only thing Schaeffer liked more than anime, porn, and anime porn was EVE Online. Dude had sunk something like 10 G's into virtual spaceships on A1C pay and spent every minute he could in his room, playing it or moderating some EVE forum on the lovely Bagram circa 2006 internet connection. Every time I read about Goonswarm loving with EVE Online players, I remember Schaeffer and hope they hosed with him the hardest.
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Wild T posted:Was Naruto a thing back then? It kinda looked like that. Anime started in 2002.
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Wild T posted:The only thing Schaeffer liked more than anime, porn, and anime porn was EVE Online. Dude had sunk something like 10 G's into virtual spaceships on A1C pay and spent every minute he could in his room, playing it or moderating some EVE forum on the lovely Bagram circa 2006 internet connection. Every time I read about Goonswarm loving with EVE Online players, I remember Schaeffer and hope they hosed with him the hardest. Finally, we found the mastermind of the Benghazi attack.
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CainFortea posted:Anime started in 2002. Googled it, and it looks like Naruto started back in the 90s, so yeah, it probably was from that. At the time we thought he was pretending to be an airplane or something. Not so much an idiot story, but there was also a guy at my first base named Lofton who would always hang out in our group of friends. Lofton was a heavyset black guy from somewhere in the deep south, and quite possibly the most homophobic guy I've ever met. When you see those posts on Facebook making fun of guys who think washing their buttcrack is gay? That level of homophobia. Of course that gave our group of friends the perfect material to constantly gently caress with him in ways that would get us EO'd so fast now: - The dorms had two rooms sharing a bathroom. His suitemate was in on it, so he let one of my friends into the bathroom where he proceeded to shave his crotch with Lofton's electric razor, then showed him pictures weeks later after Lofton had been using it on his face. - When he bought a car, someone stuck a discreet pink triangle sticker on his bumper (along with several other people's cars). He drove around rural Mississippi with that gay pride bumper sticker for several days before noticing and taking it off. - We all received mail in PO boxes, and one day one of us saw Lofton checking his mail. Someone went on five or six gay porn sites and signed up for their newsletters using his address, resulting in Lofton (and presumably anyone else with that PO box after he moved) getting a never-ending barrage of gay porn mailers in their box. Personally I was convinced he was a closet case, so maybe it was less a prank and more hey, free porn.
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my brother's been out for a bit and got some orders "to muster" mustering sounds idiotic
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![]() Softface posted:You never forget your first time in combat. I'll never forget mine.
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Autistic Edgy Guy posted:my brother's been out for a bit and got some orders "to muster" It's $200 for a ~15 minute appointment where you just tell a SSG 'no' over and over. I wish I had mustered every day.
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![]() Army blew up meemaw
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Testing the effects of C4 on Alzheimer's.
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"Maybe we can just knock those amyloid plaques off! Wait, where are you going?"
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That is how I want to go Supporting Science and Explosives. Strap me into a high explosive hell chair and let it rip. In all kidding aside I hope when I naturally die my donated body tissue goes to someone needing a tissue donation rather than a body part outlet.
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Yeah, I honestly wouldn't mind getting dynamited to bits after death. Especially if my body ends up getting blown into the air and cartwheeling around before hitting the ground.
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I love Hunter Thompson writing a ridiculous funeral request as a joke (involving his ashes being shot out of a cannon, mounted in a giant two-thumbed fist clutching a button of peyote) and Johnny Depp just saying "gently caress it, I'll pay for it. Let's do it."
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In the blasted, road-warrior future that awaits us, the smart money is on "decorative skull".
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Davethulhu posted:In the blasted, road-warrior future that awaits us, the smart money is on "decorative skull". ńatitas my dude
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A Hall story from the last thread:quote:Kandahar Poo Pond stories are always fun. Normally the shacks were four to a room, but everyone they put with Hall would bitch so much that they evidently stopped giving him roommates. So his festering, stinky pile of filth was free to slowly expand through the entire shack.
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The old thread is Goldmined. Long live the Idiots Thread. https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3519705
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Thank you to everyone who is mining the best of the old thread and putting it here for us to read.
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I mean the "best" is in some ways the worst which is what makes it the best? It's a land of contrast and I can't post most of my stories because to no one who's read my posting's surprise, i'm the idiot in the story.
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We won't judge you for being the idiot ![]()
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I mean, we will a little, but everyone's the idiot at least once. Not me though, I'm a civilian. ... Wait...
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a post in the other-other idiots thread reminded me of this one
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Thank you thread for leading me to discover that there is a pool of human excrement in Afghanistan with 269 Google reviews, most quite positive. The world is an amazing place.
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Doc Hawkins posted:a post in the other-other idiots thread reminded me of this one As hilarious as this is to know about her, and as much as I hate Dick Cheney, I'm not going to begrudge anyone on figuring out a way to get out of going to Vietnam, even if it is a bit classist. If I were facing down being drafted I'd fight tooth and nail not to get gang pressed into service.
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There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to fight in a morally indefensible war. Avoiding a war while being a member of a political party that insists that you are weak and a coward if you don’t fight, however...
Scratch Monkey fucked around with this message at 13:32 on Aug 4, 2019 |
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A Bad Poster posted:As hilarious as this is to know about her, and as much as I hate Dick Cheney, I'm not going to begrudge anyone on figuring out a way to get out of going to Vietnam, even if it is a bit classist. If I were facing down being drafted I'd fight tooth and nail not to get gang pressed into service.
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Much like Cadet Bonespurs and Ted “I crapped myself to get out” Nugent
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yeah, i think it's slightly hosed up to bring an entire human life into the world to dodge a draft which you support but of course they were probably already considering having a child and just moved the timetable forward
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Not a very long story, unfortunately. Saw a pic of a toilet with a post-it note on it, and remembered this winner. OCS, first weekend we can actually go out. We suspect our commander is an alcoholic, since he gave us a 5 drink limit for the night. Realistically, this is difficult to enforce on anyone not staying at the barracks, so a bunch of us got hotel rooms. One poor soul that decided not have a hotel room got utterly shitfaced, and on his way back in decided to stop in the cadre bathroom to take a dump. Not a big deal, except when you leave what would’ve been a bowl-wrapping turd in the middle of the floor, then make enough noise to wake up the poor captain stuck on duty that night. Compounding matters: if you say “ok, I’ll clean it up!” then utterly fail to do exactly that, what choice do the cadre have but to recall every. single. one of us at 7AM the next morning? Thanks, Phantom Shitter! For like 2 weeks afterwards someone went around posting signs on the toilets, that said “AUTHORIZED DROP ZONE” with a few crudely drawn turds for good measure. ...this guy only got recycled to the next class, where he became a commissioned officer ![]() There was also the next guy, at our first actual officer training (BOLC II; no longer exists, because even the army realized it was a waste of time). We had a mileage limit on our weekend passes, and (again) no realistic way to enforce those unless you got caught outside and it was reported somehow back to the cadre at BOLC II. Panama City Beach was juuuust outside whatever that limit was, which would’ve been easy enough to hide as long as you didn’t brag about it, or didn’t get arrested. Our Hero failed on the second bit, and failed hard. He got arrested for assaulting a police officer while hammered, outside of our pass radius...which gave our command multiple ways to gently caress with him. In addition to whatever civil/criminal penalties he picked up for his scuffle, he managed to pick up a General Officer Memo of Reprimand (GOMR), which were an utter career-ender then. No promotion past 1LT (if you even made that), which would eventually force you out of the army entirely. Never heard whatever became of his case, everyone moved on to their next schools and he got to stay at BOLC II until the GOMR process was done, alongside the criminal trial. Moron #3: a bn XO gets caught putting porn on SIPRNet. Not just “someone found it, and traced it back to where it came from”, but “got caught watching it and beating off in his office by his commander”. This was in Afghanistan, and he was relieved ( ![]()
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The only thing I got out of BOLC II was six solid weeks of drinking and permanent damage to my left ear.
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Sounds like you got more out of it than anyone else did! ![]() Actually, I take that back. As much of a joke as it was, the field part was actually more intensive than IOBC. We started IOBC in mid April or so, and by the time we were done with classes and rolling to the field it was summer at Benning ![]()
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Icon Of Sin posted:Moron #3: a bn XO gets caught putting porn on SIPRNet. Not just “someone found it, and traced it back to where it came from”, but “got caught watching it and beating off in his office by his commander”. This was in Afghanistan, and he was relieved ( TS/SI/NOPORN
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Guest2553 posted:TS/SI/NOPORN you magnificent bastard ![]()
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Guest2553 posted:TS/SI/NOPORN wait i have seen hella porn on JIANT back in my day this was a commonly known and accepted thing
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Icon Of Sin posted:Moron #3: a bn XO gets caught putting porn on SIPRNet. Not just “someone found it, and traced it back to where it came from”, but “got caught watching it and beating off in his office by his commander”. This was in Afghanistan, and he was relieved ( Did they let him finish?
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Scratch Monkey posted:Did they let him finish? Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!
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# ? Sep 1, 2024 03:09 |
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Guest2553 posted:TS/SI/NOPORN So uh porn spillage from JWICS to SIPR? I’m sure there are some good stories regarding actual spillage, I remember hearing about someone who hand jammed TS/SCI material into SIPR for some godforsaken idiotic reason. Like that takes a special kind of idiot.
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