Idiots Thread - Can't enlist if you are mentally ill, they want to do it themselves

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Internet VFW > Idiots Thread - Can't enlist if you are mentally ill, they want to do it themselves

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FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Schneider posted:

Duty sucks, gently caress duty.

This thread is now about funny or hosed up duty stories.

Once upon a Saturday night, I was touring my post as any squared away DNCO should do when I heard a noise, a very particular noise, coming from one of my grandboot's rooms. His door was ajar and the noise coming from within sounded suspiciously like a female getting smashed out. A FEMALE, WHO WAS NOT PROPERLY CHECKED IN WITH THE DUTY NCO, IN MY BARRACKS? gently caress. NO. Why do I even care about this, you ask? I guess I'm just a prick. I guess it pisses me off that some dumbass 18 year old PFC is bringing his little teenage tramps back to the barracks to smash them out while I'm walking around the barracks with a loving logbook under my arm yelling at idiots to pick up their cigarette butts. Additionally, I didn't like this particular Marine.. he was kind of a turd and sucked at life and whined a lot.

My mind raced, scrambling to find the most absurd and offensive insults I could muster as I prepared to kick the door open and deliver rear end-chewing to end all rear end chewings. My corfram came up and I spartan-kicked the door open, face twisted in fury, spittle flying as my mouth formed the first syllable of what was to be the magnum opus of my asschewings.

What I beheld was not PFC Fuckknuckles simply loving some skank, oh no.

On one of the racks were four of my Marines going family style on some chubby unattractive blonde girl with a tramp stamp. I'm pretty sure the balls touched.

I stopped in the doorway as my tiny TBI-ridden rifleman brain attempted to process the scene before me. They all stopped their frantic humping for a moment and stared at me. I didn't know what to loving say at this point.. I mean, what can you say to that, really. I just asked if she was of age and upon receiving a valid photo ID from the girl, muttered "very well, carry on" and continued my tour.

# ¿ Jul 29, 2019 14:01

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# ¿ Sep 7, 2024 20:41

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

NAPALM STICKS TO posted:

i had a spillage incident when i was attached to a marine sigint battalion and created a product on sipr that referenced selector names that apparently could not be used on sipr. i specifically asked the class level and if i could do it on sipr cause my jwics machine sucked and he said yes. and that was the last time i ever listened to a marine

What�s that in English?

# ¿ Aug 5, 2019 18:51

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Cheese eating surrender monkey started around the time before Iraq 2: This Time We Mean It, when Americans started buying champagne to pour it down the sewers.

# ¿ Aug 7, 2019 22:51

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

M_Gargantua posted:

https://twitter.com/argumentwinner/status/1159896140722122753?s=21

Respect.

# ¿ Aug 10, 2019 06:50

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

@stoolpresidente is a great handle though.

# ¿ Aug 14, 2019 15:36

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

CainFortea posted:

I'm sure the design was very mature for it's age.

It�s actually a very old design in a young body.

# ¿ Aug 16, 2019 01:54

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

UP THE BUM NO BABY posted:

Y'all are a bunch of dumb nerds if an access card is the height of cool

Christ you�re boring, have you ever left home?

# ¿ Aug 22, 2019 17:31

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Dude has an Italian name too, was mobbed out as gently caress, I thought everyone realized that.

# ¿ Aug 23, 2019 02:19

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Fearless posted:

Luciano did have something worked out with the US government in which mobsters were tasked with port security during the war. I wouldn't be surprised if that card was connected to that.

That was mostly stateside, to make sure there were no labor disruptions on the docks.

# ¿ Aug 23, 2019 04:11

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

So how worthless is that satellite now?

# ¿ Aug 30, 2019 22:56

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

What the gently caress is that thing for?

# ¿ Aug 31, 2019 02:24

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Be best cyber bully you can be.

# ¿ Sep 26, 2019 02:43

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

chitoryu12 posted:

Wagner loves the flight of the Valkyries.

# ¿ Oct 20, 2019 18:00

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Absurd Alhazred posted:

They look sound to me.

# ¿ Oct 22, 2019 03:45

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

EBB posted:

That man is holding a copy of I'm In Love With My Car, the Worst Song on the Best Album.

Isn�t Bohemian Rhapsody on the B-side?

# ¿ Dec 1, 2019 16:17

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Mind you not being able to track multiple ships above a certain number is not an uncommon issue amongst navigation software and equipment.

The SOLAS ARPA standard is something ridiculous like eight targets.

# ¿ Dec 24, 2019 03:35

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Dollar to donuts that poo poo has some cringe poo poo on the front.

# ¿ Dec 24, 2019 04:35

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Anybody who thinks touch screens should be on any kind of critical system on a ship has never tried to steer one through a storm.

Also, night vision motherfuckers.

# ¿ Dec 28, 2019 18:17

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Phanatic posted:

McClusky, if I get one more complaint against you, you�re off the muffin top squad!

# ¿ Dec 28, 2019 21:04

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Stravag posted:

Made out of the finest ~~titanium~~ depleted uranium!

# ¿ Jan 7, 2020 02:13

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

This is only vaguely military adjacent because the dude is merchant marine but anyway.

There�s this ship engineer I know who�s a bit... unlucky. Engines catch fire around him, power circuits fry themselves, just loving bad luck.

Anyway he�s way into disasters documentaries and stuff because it�s basically his day to day life. So he�s really into the TV show Chernobyl, and for some ungodly reason some guy decided to send him a dosimeter in a secret Santa exchange.

Dude starts messing around with his dosimeter, and realizes it may be out of calibration. Since he lives in New Zealand, a place where they�re not too too down with the atom, there aren�t exactly Geiger counter calibration shops on every blocks so he just calls the national nuclear institute or whatever.

�Hey so I got this Geiger counters and the readings I�m getting are way too high�
�Hold please, I�ll transfer you.�
�National nuclear institute, how can we assist?�
�Yeah my Geiger counter Kees giving me readings that seem high so I was wondering...�
�Alright sir stay calm. Where did you get those readings, and what were they?�
�Well at work...�
�And where do you work?�
�But I mean the meter hasn�t been calibrated in thirty years.�
�Oh thank loving God.�

Turns out the dude had been patched through to the national atomic emergency center or whatever.

And that�s how GIP Secret Santa 2019 caused New Zealand�s first IAEA incident.

# ¿ Jan 16, 2020 06:37

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Smiling Jack posted:

Username/post combo here is amazeballs

How do you think he got the name?

# ¿ Jan 17, 2020 03:25

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Didn�t he claim to have Native American heritage at one point?

# ¿ Feb 2, 2020 01:39

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

The plot is straightforward.

An environmentalist billionaire employs the resources of his biotech empire to develop a virus that will kill everyone who isn�t vaccinated, in order to reduce the world�s population and save the planet.

He hires an ex-KGB guy to organize a bunch of terrorists attacks (which back then meant hostage taking), in order to raise awareness of the need for security, so that his buddy can get the contract for security at the 2000 Sydney Olympic.

They�re planning to use the stadium�a HVAC system to distribute the virus at the closing ceremony so that everyone goes home and spreads the virus in their respective country.

At some point in there though a shadowy parajudicial group starts offing freedom fighters.

# ¿ Feb 14, 2020 15:03

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Cyrano4747 posted:

Isn�t that the one with the awkward HJ?

My favorite weird Clancy sex thing is the cat fishing subplot in Teeth of the Tiger which is just... gross and pointless.

Pedo terrorist cybers with a fat dude y�all.

# ¿ Feb 14, 2020 15:05

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Y�all ever heard of the Detroit Mail Boat? Google it.

We had that thing pull up alongside with a god drat US mail bag, the big ones, full of porn. This one dude owned a gigantic amount of porn, like a cabin full.

He was down to share too, which... pass.

# ¿ Mar 5, 2020 05:06

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

# ¿ Mar 19, 2020 12:37

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Milo and POTUS posted:

Did you then turn your monitor on

drat.

# ¿ Apr 4, 2020 18:24

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

EvenWorseOpinions posted:

That's why I like AKs, they never jamb

# ¿ Apr 6, 2020 20:31

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

�This person had their pick of the available genitalia.�

# ¿ Apr 8, 2020 03:07

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Welp the forever wars have been going on long enough that we now have dad stories from the war.

# ¿ Aug 16, 2020 15:41

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Platystemon posted:

That speech is like four loving hours in the audiobook.

Way to out yourself.

# ¿ Jan 15, 2021 14:25

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

We had a few Gurkha security guards when I was on the cruise ship. Absolutely lovely people. Just don�t... piss them off.

I will never forget the sight of a 90lbs Nepalese woman choke slamming a large American frat bro into a wall and politely going �sir please calm down, or I will need to call my supervisor.�

# ¿ Jan 23, 2021 01:39

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

You�re not safe at sea until you�ve sank a ship.

# ¿ May 5, 2021 20:57

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Well you never did successfully sink one.

# ¿ May 5, 2021 23:18

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Absurd Alhazred posted:

I feel like there's a story here I haven't read/forgot.

Comrade Blyatlov is a merchant marine engineering officer, which is to say he operates and maintain the engines on ships. Think Scotty in Star Trek, or Laforge, except not nearly as lucky.

Ships he�s working on tend to spontaneously spring leaks, have oil where it doesn�t belong, vibrates where they shouldn�t and not where they should, or have electrical issues.

Un ironically if they sank it may be safer because then you wouldn�t go to switch on a light only to have an electric arc flash, the entire ship going offline and a raccoon infestation.

Dude�s not a bad engineer, he�s just unlucky. One time someone gave him a Geiger counter and he almost shut down New Zealand, a notorious nuclear free zone, because of a radiation emergency. That�s how unlucky he is.

# ¿ May 5, 2021 23:44

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

I remember the time the classification society dinged your boat for having somehow expired main switchboard breakers, you replacing them then like six months later on another boat the same breakers showing up as used spare parts.

# ¿ May 5, 2021 23:55

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Volmarias posted:

Is there a link for this?

The government swept it under the rug so there�s nothing public but:

Edit - https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3894960&perpage=40&noseen=1#post501703733

FrozenVent fucked around with this message at 00:52 on May 6, 2021

# ¿ May 6, 2021 00:25

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Would you know how to calibrate it?

Asking for a friend.

# ¿ May 6, 2021 01:08

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# ¿ Sep 7, 2024 20:41

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Wasabi the J posted:

How did it get it up there in the first place?

Secret Satan 2019

# ¿ May 7, 2021 11:56

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Internet VFW > Idiots Thread - Can't enlist if you are mentally ill, they want to do it themselves

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