Cardboard straws are the spawn of the devil

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Cardboard straws are the spawn of the devil

Deadbeat Poetry: Mar 6, 2004; Sorry if my costume scared you

JK Fresco posted:

Btw that is not just a joke. When it was introduced last year, the California bill originally called for waiters to face a maximum $1,000 fine and six months in jail for handing out straws without being asked.

I'm glad California is on fire a lot

# ? Aug 13, 2019 14:15

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 15:00

nishi koichi: Feb 16, 2007; everyone feels that way and gives up.
that's how they get away with it.

Colonel Cancer posted:

Have you tried not drinking out of a sippy cup like a child or physically infirm?

scene: you drinking a shake or slushy without a straw and getting it all over your big idiot face lol

# ? Aug 13, 2019 14:43

Mooey Cow: Jan 27, 2018; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS; Pillbug

Hed posted:

The number the guy came up with for how many plastic straws used was wildly overestimated anyway. Can�t find the article right now.

But At least we can feel good about making ourselves suffer!

The general discourse is in a cool state of panic right now, which means that you can make any outrageous claim about impending doom, like "the entire clade of insects will be extinct in five seconds" and it will be widely reported, and any entomologists saying "uh I think insects won't go extinct any time soon actually, they're pretty tough and that research is a piece of poo poo" will be ignored if not outright branded heretical.

I liked when someone discovered that "glass in nature doesn't decompose for tens of thousands of years :derp:

". That's because glass is basically just a transparent rock and totally inert.

# ? Aug 13, 2019 15:16

nut: Jul 30, 2019

bloom posted:

hey ladies, check out my manly beard. i'm like a modern day viking

*sips beer with straw while going 'eww' at the taste*

# ? Aug 13, 2019 15:33

Smackdillion: Feb 18, 2001; Someone paid to give you this shitty icon and give Lowtax his cyborg spine parts

what kind of grown adult uses a loving straw?

# ? Aug 13, 2019 15:34

Korthal: May 26, 2011

I really want California to announce that they are banning butt plugs, just so I can see Twitter pundits posting pictures of like 5 red ones shoved up their butthole with something like "this triggers the liberals"

# ? Aug 13, 2019 16:43

HugeGrossBurrito: Mar 20, 2018

Korthal posted:

I really want California to announce that they are banning butt plugs, just so I can see Twitter pundits posting pictures of like 5 red ones shoved up their butthole with something like "this triggers the liberals"

Haha yeah I hope a bunch of guys shove sex toys up there butts for purely political reasons as well haha god I hope it happens soon haha jk

# ? Aug 13, 2019 16:57

Sunswipe: Feb 5, 2016; by Fluffdaddy

Who was the right wing pundit who went nuts and started loving his rear end with a dildo on air? I know I've seen the video.

# ? Aug 13, 2019 17:01

Jay_Zombie: Apr 20, 2007; We're sealing the tunnel!

Schweinhund posted:

Carry your own plastic straw with you at all times. Keep it tucked in your sock.

Also, it should be one of these.

# ? Aug 13, 2019 17:39

Jay_Zombie: Apr 20, 2007; We're sealing the tunnel!

Tom Gorman posted:

the best straws are the ones that came with slurpees that had the lil' spoon part on the end

do they still have that poo poo i haven't had a slurpee in half a lifetime

They do, but the little spoon kinda prevents you from getting the last bit of Slurpee out unless you want to take off the lid and spoon it out, which is what they're for I guess. It's just hard to do while you're driving or something.
Personally, I get a Slurpee, and then grab one of the Big Gulp straws to I can suck my extra large jizz colored crushed ice and virgin pinia colada flavored suryp concoction to completion, like a repectable grown up.

# ? Aug 13, 2019 17:44

The Walrus: Jul 9, 2002; by Fluffdaddy

what's wrong with those straws made out of corn or potato starch? just too expensive for businesses to buy?

# ? Aug 13, 2019 17:48

The Walrus: Jul 9, 2002; by Fluffdaddy

Jay_Zombie posted:

They do, but the little spoon kinda prevents you from getting the last bit of Slurpee out unless you want to take off the lid and spoon it out, which is what they're for I guess. It's just hard to do while you're driving or something.
Personally, I get a Slurpee, and then grab one of the Big Gulp straws to I can suck my extra large jizz colored crushed ice and virgin pinia colada flavored suryp concoction to completion, like a repectable grown up.

you turn the straw upside down for the last bit you friggin buffoon

# ? Aug 13, 2019 17:48

Jay_Zombie: Apr 20, 2007; We're sealing the tunnel!

The Walrus posted:

you turn the straw upside down for the last bit you friggin buffoon

You just rocked my world.

# ? Aug 13, 2019 17:50

The Walrus: Jul 9, 2002; by Fluffdaddy

anytime bb :*

# ? Aug 13, 2019 17:51

Smythe: Oct 12, 2003

Big Beef City posted:

"Heh. STRAWS. Like I EVER would" I say to the homeless man I'm squatting next to outside the illegal coffee roaster/taqueria.
He does not respond. He may be dead. It's tough to say. It adds character to my purist experience. Here there are no straws. There have never been straws. No one knows what the idea of a straw is. There are no mugs, either. Here the beans are roasted and then, squatting slavic-ly, you chew them and bitch. Never ending bitching.
Soon, they will have lovely tacos available for reasonable prices that I will compare to licking the feet of Christ. But for now, only Beans and the companionship of my dead friend.

# ? Aug 13, 2019 17:58

magic cactus: Aug 3, 2019; We lied. We are not at war. There is no enemy. This is a rescue operation.

Big Beef City posted:

"Heh. STRAWS. Like I EVER would" I say to the homeless man I'm squatting next to outside the illegal coffee roaster/taqueria.
He does not respond. He may be dead. It's tough to say. It adds character to my purist experience. Here there are no straws. There have never been straws. No one knows what the idea of a straw is. There are no mugs, either. Here the beans are roasted and then, squatting slavic-ly, you chew them and bitch. Never ending bitching.
Soon, they will have lovely tacos available for reasonable prices that I will compare to licking the feet of Christ. But for now, only Beans and the companionship of my dead friend.

magic cactus fucked around with this message at 21:49 on Aug 13, 2019

# ? Aug 13, 2019 21:46

magic cactus: Aug 3, 2019; We lied. We are not at war. There is no enemy. This is a rescue operation.

IMPORTANT UPDATE: had another cardboard straw drink and cardboard is still a terrible straw material. Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk namaste

# ? Aug 13, 2019 21:51

HugeGrossBurrito: Mar 20, 2018

magic cactus posted:

IMPORTANT UPDATE: had another cardboard straw drink and cardboard is still a terrible straw material. Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk namaste

Just get the penis crazy straw already man

# ? Aug 13, 2019 21:55

Literally A Person: Jan 1, 1970; Smugworth Wuz Here

Is there any way we could make straws out of orphans? I mean, we've got plenty of orphans...

# ? Aug 13, 2019 22:17

HugeGrossBurrito: Mar 20, 2018

Literally A Person posted:

Is there any way we could make straws out of orphans? I mean, we've got plenty of orphans...

orphans are way too dangerous to attempt something so risky we would never win

# ? Aug 13, 2019 22:19

MustardFacial: Jun 20, 2011; George Russel's
Official Something Awful Account
Lifelong Tory Voter

They should make the plastic straws out of PLA the same plastic they use in cheap 3D printers. That stuff is made from corn and is fully biodegradable.

# ? Aug 13, 2019 22:32

Literally A Person: Jan 1, 1970; Smugworth Wuz Here

MustardFacial posted:

They should make the plastic straws out of PLA the same plastic they use in cheap 3D printers. That stuff is made from corn and is fully biodegradable.

What about a corn cob with a hole drilled down the center?

# ? Aug 13, 2019 23:12

Xaintrailles: Aug 14, 2015

Literally A Person posted:

What about a corn cob with a hole drilled down the center?

Why does it always come back to drilling cornholes?

# ? Aug 13, 2019 23:51

Im Ready for DEATH: Oct 5, 2016

Smackdillion posted:

what kind of grown adult uses a loving straw?

literally everyone who purchases a beverage "to go"

# ? Aug 14, 2019 00:07

Away all Goats: Jul 5, 2005; Goose's rebellion

bloom posted:

hey ladies, check out my manly beard. i'm like a modern day viking

*sips beer with straw while going 'eww' at the taste*

lmao

# ? Aug 14, 2019 00:11

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Oh no my mooooouthfeeeeeellllllll

# ? Aug 14, 2019 00:49

Literally A Person: Jan 1, 1970; Smugworth Wuz Here

Pick posted:

Oh no my mooooouthfeeeeeellllllll

You jest now but how will you feel when our grandchildren's grandchildren have no mouthfeel at all. Like they have forgotten what being human is.

# ? Aug 14, 2019 00:51

Rutibex: Sep 9, 2001; by Fluffdaddy

why don't they make straws out of straw

# ? Aug 14, 2019 00:55

nut: Jul 30, 2019

it's pronounced strarw

# ? Aug 14, 2019 00:55

HugeGrossBurrito: Mar 20, 2018

Literally A Person posted:

You jest now but how will you feel when our grandchildren's grandchildren have no mouthfeel at all. Like they have forgotten what being human is.

Some say we are at peak mouthfeel

# ? Aug 14, 2019 00:56

Kazak: Jan 10, 2012

Just get rid of single use everything, if we can do it with grocery bags and straws then why stop there.

# ? Aug 14, 2019 01:51

Im Ready for DEATH: Oct 5, 2016

Literally A Person posted:

You jest now but how will you feel when our grandchildren's grandchildren have no mouthfeel at all. Like they have forgotten what being human is.

Long ago, before Nutrient Slurry, our race ate of the seed-bearing crops and the flesh of animals.

# ? Aug 14, 2019 01:51

flavor.flv: Apr 18, 2008; I got a letter from the government the other day
opened it, read it
it said they was bitches

Rutibex posted:

why don't they make straws out of straw

They did, once. You wanted to drink out of a tube you'd just pick a plant with a nice hollow stem and go for it.

Then some rear end in a top hat came along and hosed everything up

# ? Aug 14, 2019 02:31