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LITERALLY A BIRD
Sep 27, 2008

I knew you were trouble
when you flew in



Looking at you with that subtitle, YIEA.

This is a thread for posting about bad or bizarre or just plain stupid movies you've seen and want to express yourself about. It's an offshoot of the Irrationally Irritating Movie Moments thread as the posters there have begun to bond over such classics as Sharkansas Women's Prison Massace and Christian Mingle: the Movie and we need to stop making GBS threads up that other thread if we're to be quite frank about it.

Anyway, we're off!

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yeah I eat ass
Mar 14, 2005

only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

(how much do you want to bet someone's going to barge in on the first page and post about avengers endgame because they personally think it's a terrible movie)

Suggested viewing material starter pack as far as scifi/horror goes:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Categ..._original_films

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Asylum

Romantic comedies such as Christian Mingle are more hit or miss. Just watch one and if you like it keep going down the "because you watched" rabbit hole and you will have a valuable life experience, and may just end up learning something about yourself on the way.

e: I'd just like to mention that I don't personally endorse the sharknado movies. They try too hard. and they have tara reid in them

yeah I eat ass has a new favorite as of 00:06 on Aug 13, 2019

Telemaze
Apr 22, 2008

What you expected hasn't happened.

Fun Shoe

I've recently discovered the joy of Neil Breen movies. Fateful Findings is a masterpiece.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOV3xTJ9UgE

Len
Jan 21, 2008

Pouches, bandages, shoulderpad, cyber-eye...

Bitchin'!




My weakness is bad found footage movies and boy howdy have I seen a few.

I'll go to bat for the Bad Ben series. The first one had a single actor in it who filmed in his house. He wanted to make a horror movie and when the actor he hired backed out Nigel said gently caress it and did it himself. It's about a grumpy middle aged man from New Jersey who buys a house at a Sheriff Sale and it ends up being haunted. He has since made 5 sequels and a cartoon short that he animated himself (don't watch this it's bad in the unfun ways). A seventh movie is in the works where Tom Riley Paranormal Investigator has become an Uber driver and gets attacked by more ghosts.

Parched

Found footage film where a group of college students take a road trip to an abandoned house and unintentionally drink infected water from a stream that turns them slowly insane and murderous - but this is no accident.


Turns out one of the students lived in a house that got their water from the very stream and is the only survivor. She brought the group out there to get revenge by killing these kids


I'll have to go through my watch history because there's some real winners in there whose names I can't remember. There was one that the only thing I remember is that a good 2/3rds of it are two women screaming in fear.

LITERALLY A BIRD
Sep 27, 2008

I knew you were trouble
when you flew in



yeah I eat rear end posted:

Romantic comedies such as Christian Mingle are more hit or miss. Just watch one and if you like it keep going down the "because you watched" rabbit hole and you will have a valuable life experience, and may just end up learning something about yourself on the way.

Speaking of romantic comedies, I found a dire one on Amazon Prime named An Hour Behind. If you're worried it is called this because of some stupid bullshit about Daylight Savings Time, congratulations! You've foreseen the level of banal predictability you're about to endure!

It was notable to me simply due to its amazing ability to hit every twee romcom staple on the head. Female lead that runs a small gourmet cupcake bakery? Check. Does this mean you get lots of close-up cupcake baking montages set to a heartfelt girl rock? Of course! Male lead who has a manly but sensitive profession (paramedic)? Definitely. Does this mean he has a pair of rambunctious friends, one who is his moral voice and the other who's a total pig? Hell yes! Looking for dramatic, stupid, and easily preventable squabbles and miscommunications? Buddy, you're in the right place.

The movie is named Daylight Savings Time because the female lead, Trish, is an hour late to a blind date due to a convenient alarm clock short-out -- and since her real date has already left, she meets the paramedic Parker accidentally instead. She thinks he's the guy she's supposed to be meeting, and Parker twigs really early there's a case of mistaken identity but decides to deliberately continue misleading her. They go on some dates and poo poo. Twenty or so minutes into the movie Trish realizes he's faking his identity and naturally she's pissed; but here is where we find out Parker, and by extension the scriptwriters, thinks the fact that she sat down at his table, thinking he was somebody else, means she has the exact same amount of culpability for this situation as the actively lying to her face "why yes I am definitely this person Adam by whose name you keep calling me" Parker. The fight revolving around this is presented like it's meant to be a classic "but they're both in the wrong, can't they just look past their pride?!" situation but, uh, movie, it's not. It's really not.

The writing deteriorates further from here.





As a final note Trish's breakfast of choice, which she orders at a nice cafe in front of real actual other human beings, is a berry crepe that she would like made "with some ham inside." Read that and tell me she's not a monster.

Millions of Crows
Mar 31, 2010

take a look overhead

The Curse (1987) is passable adaptation of the Lovecraft story The Colour out of Space.
The Curse 2: The Bite is some of the purest shlock 1989 could produce. It's absolute crap from beginning to end so I kind of love it. The production company that made it is dead so it's all on youtube.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t-BaEElZRg

Croatoan
Jun 24, 2005

I am inevitable.
ROBBLE GROBBLE


One of my all time favorite movies is objectively bad but it's also just so perfect and awesome. You've got zombies, valley girls, 80's everything and a dollar store version of Erik Estrada (you might recognize from Star Trek Voyager).


That's also one of the most badass movie posters ever too.

Brute Hole Force
Dec 25, 2005

by LITERALLY AN ADMIN


I have a box of full of early Asylum movies from when my sister worked for them and the few times she dragged me in to it, almost all of them are "I am never watching this again" but I keep them as grim trophies of a sort. One of them I would re-watch again is Hide and Creep which is about Alabama rednecks vs zombies done in the spirit of 80s cornball.

Disco Salmon
Jun 19, 2004


I love bad movies. Like, REALLY bad movies... kinds that MST3K would love you know?

My absolute favorite, which is terrible, schlocky, and downright terrible is this:

Beaster Day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYALOeBArJs

If I have a truly bad day, this just makes me laugh. Hope this helps you in the same way!!

yeah I eat ass
Mar 14, 2005

only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Tony Snark posted:

I have a box of full of early Asylum movies from when my sister worked for them and the few times she dragged me in to it, almost all of them are "I am never watching this again" but I keep them as grim trophies of a sort. One of them I would re-watch again is Hide and Creep which is about Alabama rednecks vs zombies done in the spirit of 80s cornball.

I'm actually kind of jealous. It's like having an uncle that worked at nintendo. I've seen Mega Piranha, maybe my favorite of all Asylum movies, like 8 times. 6 headed shark attack is a modern classic, but it doesn't have much rewatch value.

If any of your box of movies is, dare I dream, an autographed copy of Mega Piranha, I will give you actual currency in exchange for it.

Disco Salmon
Jun 19, 2004


yeah I eat rear end posted:

I'm actually kind of jealous. It's like having an uncle that worked at nintendo. I've seen Mega Piranha, maybe my favorite of all Asylum movies, like 8 times. 6 headed shark attack is a modern classic, but it doesn't have much rewatch value.

If any of your box of movies is, dare I dream, an autographed copy of Mega Piranha, I will give you actual currency in exchange for it.

I <3 Mega Piranaha!!!

The guy doing bicycle kicks on badly CGI fishies is a true joy

yeah I eat ass
Mar 14, 2005

only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Disco Salmon posted:

I <3 Mega Piranaha!!!

The guy doing bicycle kicks on badly CGI fishies is a true joy

right? I can only hope to display an ounce of his courage if ever faced with enormous CGI piranhas.

BioEnchanted
Aug 9, 2011

He plays for the dreamers that forgot how to dream, and the lovers that forgot how to love.

I remember a few years ago I rented (when that was still a thing) Terror Toons

It was the most boring unfunny attempt at horror comedy I've ever had the misfortune to witness. There were even some moments that could have worked but due to obnoxious acting (everyone reacted like 6 year olds falling off bikes, they sounded less in pain and more whiny) and terrible comedic timing. Three moments that could have worked:

A pizza delivery guy shows up and is greeted by Dr Carnage, one of the titular cartoon characters/puppets. He decapitates the pizza guy with a pizza cutter that he revs up like a chainsaw. That could have been funny!

A girl goes into her sisters room and finds nothing obviously wrong (although this is where the most obnoxious acting comes in) however after she leaves it reveals that Dr Carnage was puppeting her using her exposed spine. That joke worked in Repo: The Genetic Opera, it could have been fine here but it wasn't.

Dr Carnage and Max whatever-his-name-is make a guy laugh so hard it gives him an aneurysm which kills him. Again though, their antics are so unfunny that the result is totally unbelievable.


It also has the lamest ending, where It turns out the dvd was made by the devil (in a tiny room with a single conveyor belt making GBS threads them out, so there isn't even a sense of scale), and is done so as a favour to the toons because as cartoon characters they can do anything they want, his way of giving them limitless power. However the main character has that power too just from being in the room, so this line happens verbatim: "Then I wish I was a superhero, so I could kick your butt!" She proceeds to do so in a uninteresting way

Apparently there are 4 sequels, 2 out already and 2 more planned, but each one has a better imdb rating than the last. The first one is about 2.2/10, the second one is 3.4 and the latest one, which came out last year, was 4.4 or so. At least they are improving I guess? Never saw the other ones, don't care enough after the first one.

LostCosmonaut
Feb 15, 2014



Telemaze posted:

I've recently discovered the joy of Neil Breen movies. Fateful Findings is a masterpiece.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOV3xTJ9UgE

Fateful Findings is by far the most coherent Neil Breen film. I watched Twisted Pair a few weeks ago, that poo poo was the real drugs.

Also Breen starring in, directing, producing, and catering all his films will never not be funny.

Pastry of the Year
Apr 12, 2013



LostCosmonaut posted:

Also Breen [...] catering all his films will never not be funny.

credited to Eats N' Eats Film Inc.!

yeah I eat ass
Mar 14, 2005

only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Disco Salmon posted:

I <3 Mega Piranaha!!!

The guy doing bicycle kicks on badly CGI fishies is a true joy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMkN3AOxpWY

I think it is required to have this clip in this thread. Just look at the coordination. The finesse.

Last Chance
Dec 31, 2004



Sort of on topic but a while ago I watched Caddyshack 2 to see how bad it really was, but if any of you goons have the same idea, never ever do it. It's the worst thing I've ever wtached and it wasn't even fun to watch in an ironic way

e: it was so boring and drab that it took me several sessions to get through it and I considered it an accomplishment that I technically watched it from start to finish. Chevy Chase also seemed to feel the same way and he hadn't even seen it yet

yeah I eat ass
Mar 14, 2005

only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Speaking of people who have watched terrible sequels...a mystery i've never been able to solve is what even is starship troopers 2? I know it exists, but I've never seen it, and you can find plenty of opinions about the third one, but opinions about the 2nd one are harder t o find. Is it just that bland that nobody cares?

Len
Jan 21, 2008

Pouches, bandages, shoulderpad, cyber-eye...

Bitchin'!




yeah I eat rear end posted:

Speaking of people who have watched terrible sequels...a mystery i've never been able to solve is what even is starship troopers 2? I know it exists, but I've never seen it, and you can find plenty of opinions about the third one, but opinions about the 2nd one are harder t o find. Is it just that bland that nobody cares?

It was a sci-fi horror movie that they changed during production to be a starship troopers movie is all I know

muscles like this!
Jan 17, 2005



Speaking of bad sequels, did you know that they made an entire series based on the Statham Death Race movie? Confusingly enough "Death Race 2" is actually a prequel about the guy who was Frankenstein before Statham, played by Luke Goss who ends the movie horribly scarred and about to run the race that kills him at the beginning of Death Race 1. Actually that's not true because Death Race 2 did well enough that they made a sequel to it (while still being a prequel to the Statham Death Race) and so they retcon the end of Death Race 2 so that actually Luke Goss Frankenstein is fine and he is replaced by Dougray Scott who they just dress up as Frankenstein and he's the guy who died at the beginning of Death Race 1.

Len
Jan 21, 2008

Pouches, bandages, shoulderpad, cyber-eye...

Bitchin'!




I didn't find out until recently that Back Woods was a front page movie. But I have a copy and it's A Thing.

My dad found it at the Dollar Tree back in 04 or 05 and wasn't able to finish it but the dumbass teenagers we were thought it was hilarious.

It's not a good movie but 15 years later it still has lines that stick out in memory

Aphrodite
Jun 27, 2006



Len posted:

It was a sci-fi horror movie that they changed during production to be a starship troopers movie is all I know

Yeah itís one of those Ďgroup of people trapped in one place and one of them is a killerí types. The trap happens to be the bugs.

Inceltown
Aug 6, 2019






Bad Boy Bubby is some top shelf terrible Aussie movie action.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3LbPmFE2HU

Just be warned, the treatment of the real live cat in the movie is definitely bad even if you take into account the time the movie was made. It is seen in obvious distress after being tied up but it is only the start of the movie that the cat is involved.

mojo1701a
Oct 8, 2008

Oh, yeah. Loud and clear. Emphasis on LOUD!
~ David Lee Roth

Most of us know about the Arnold Schwarzenegger super smash hit holiday classic Jingle All the Way, but how many of us know there was a direct-to-dvd "sequel" Jingle All the Way 2, starring Larry the Cable Guy?

I really should sit down and watch it some day, but according to Wikipedia, the plot is almost exactly the same, except the villain is an ex-wife's new husband instead of the neighbour and a random mailman.

If I didn't have to keep studying for courses over the next couple of years (and that I want to actually catch up on good movies), I'd sit down once a week just to drunkenly watch movies like this. I downloaded this gem: Christmas with a Capital C, starring Married... with Children's Ted McGinley as a small-town Alaskan mayor who goes up against his old high school rival, played by Daniel Baldwin. He's the cold-hearted big-city atheist lawyer who's come in to be a Grinch and knock down all of the town's Christmas decorations, and replace them with... "Happy Holidays".

yeah I eat ass
Mar 14, 2005

only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

mojo1701a posted:

Most of us know about the Arnold Schwarzenegger super smash hit holiday classic Jingle All the Way, but how many of us know there was a direct-to-dvd "sequel" Jingle All the Way 2, starring Larry the Cable Guy?

I really should sit down and watch it some day, but according to Wikipedia, the plot is almost exactly the same, except the villain is an ex-wife's new husband instead of the neighbour and a random mailman.

I've seen it twice, and honestly I'd have to struggle to remember what happened, it was so bland. But yeah that's the gist.

The best Larry the Cable Guy movie is Delta Farce, and that movie is awful (not in the good way). Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector was so bad I turned it off before it ended, and my threshold for turning bad movies off is extremely high. It has to be truly offensively bad/boring for me to throw in the towel and end my suffering prematurely.

Len
Jan 21, 2008

Pouches, bandages, shoulderpad, cyber-eye...

Bitchin'!




mojo1701a posted:

Most of us know about the Arnold Schwarzenegger super smash hit holiday classic Jingle All the Way, but how many of us know there was a direct-to-dvd "sequel" Jingle All the Way 2, starring Larry the Cable Guy?

I really should sit down and watch it some day, but according to Wikipedia, the plot is almost exactly the same, except the villain is an ex-wife's new husband instead of the neighbour and a random mailman.

If I didn't have to keep studying for courses over the next couple of years (and that I want to actually catch up on good movies), I'd sit down once a week just to drunkenly watch movies like this. I downloaded this gem: Christmas with a Capital C, starring Married... with Children's Ted McGinley as a small-town Alaskan mayor who goes up against his old high school rival, played by Daniel Baldwin. He's the cold-hearted big-city atheist lawyer who's come in to be a Grinch and knock down all of the town's Christmas decorations, and replace them with... "Happy Holidays".

It's been on my to watch list for awhile but I haven't seen it on Netflix or Prime and I'm not about to pay extra for it

LITERALLY A BIRD
Sep 27, 2008

I knew you were trouble
when you flew in



mojo1701a posted:

I downloaded this gem: Christmas with a Capital C, starring Married... with Children's Ted McGinley as a small-town Alaskan mayor who goes up against his old high school rival, played by Daniel Baldwin. He's the cold-hearted big-city atheist lawyer who's come in to be a Grinch and knock down all of the town's Christmas decorations, and replace them with... "Happy Holidays".

Anything from PureFlix is my loving jam. If you like that I encourage you to watch God's Not Dead asap and report back

yeah I eat ass
Mar 14, 2005

only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Notice to all bad shark movie fans that have a TV: there are some bad ones all day on Syfy. Starting at 9am there's "Dam Sharks!" (never seen it but i'm excited about the exclamation mark), "Atomic Shark" (sounds better than what you get but I'm watching it again), "Zombie Shark" (I forget if I saw this one), then "Megalodon" which sounds too serious to be good but i'll give it a chance.

Then in the evening hours it transitions into the first two sharknados, which as I mentioned i'm not the biggest fan of, but what the hell, it's shark day, i'll watch them again. I'm also kind of excited for the sharp transition into "Zombie Tidal Wave" at 9pm but zombie movies are extremely hit or miss, and if you're a night person and are up at 1 I can recommend Sharktopus, and the sequel Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda might just convince me to set my alarm for 3 in the morning.

Pastry of the Year
Apr 12, 2013



LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

Anything from PureFlix is my loving jam. If you like that I encourage you to watch God's Not Dead asap and report back

please watch THE SINGLES WARD, a Mormon romantic comedy from 2002

I am a cinematic trashtronaut and I haven't been able to make it all the way through this despite two attempts, whiskey, and friends

e: four randomly taken screenshots from my ropey old AVI









Pastry of the Year has a new favorite as of 12:51 on Aug 17, 2019

yeah I eat ass
Mar 14, 2005

only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

I can't find anywhere to watch that aside from ordering a DVD from amazon for $48.88. It sounds/looks interesting though.

BrigadierSensible
Feb 16, 2012

Don't get my name wrong,
If you want to touch me there.

yeah I eat rear end posted:

I've seen it twice, and honestly I'd have to struggle to remember what happened, it was so bland. But yeah that's the gist.

The best Larry the Cable Guy movie is Delta Farce, and that movie is awful (not in the good way). Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector was so bad I turned it off before it ended, and my threshold for turning bad movies off is extremely high. It has to be truly offensively bad/boring for me to throw in the towel and end my suffering prematurely.

I have seen parts of the Larry the Cable Guy Tooth Fairy movie, (dunno the exact name). I don't remember where or why it was on the TV, but I do remember very clearly seeing him in a tutu and a sleeveless tartan shirt with a wand talking to the pretty young girl who was supposed to be his love interest.

And whilst I am intrigued, I have never sat down to watch the full film. I sure hope everything worked out OK in the end for those crazy kids.

BrigadierSensible has a new favorite as of 04:35 on Aug 18, 2019

yeah I eat ass
Mar 14, 2005

only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Oh yeah that was the sequel to tooth fairy (tooth fairy 2) with the rock. I don't think I've seen it but considering the rock one wasn't even good it's not high on my list.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

I was going to ask if anyone had ever seen After Last Season because Iíd only ever seen the trailer, and I thought there was no way in hell it could be a real thing. As it turns out, it IS real, and also available to watch in its entirety on youtube:

https://youtu.be/JliQqpeTZNA

So cover me, Iím going in.

LITERALLY A BIRD
Sep 27, 2008

I knew you were trouble
when you flew in




I think I had this album

mojo1701a
Oct 8, 2008

Oh, yeah. Loud and clear. Emphasis on LOUD!
~ David Lee Roth

LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

Anything from PureFlix is my loving jam. If you like that I encourage you to watch God's Not Dead asap and report back

Oh, that's definitely on my list. Kevin Sorbo as the militant atheist college professor strawman sold me as soon as I heard of it.

Also, isn't Dean Cain in it? From what I remember reading, he's also some kind of atheist businessman trying to convince someone to turn away from God.

LITERALLY A BIRD
Sep 27, 2008

I knew you were trouble
when you flew in



I'm bad with actor names but I Googled him and oh yeah! He's the guy where for the first like fifteen minutes of his screen time I couldn't tell if the actress he was with was his lover or his daughter!

Thundercracker
Jun 25, 2004

Proudly serving the Ruinous Powers since as a veteran of the long war.


College Slice

Len posted:

My weakness is bad found footage movies and boy howdy have I seen a few.

I'll go to bat for the Bad Ben series. The first one had a single actor in it who filmed in his house. He wanted to make a horror movie and when the actor he hired backed out Nigel said gently caress it and did it himself. It's about a grumpy middle aged man from New Jersey who buys a house at a Sheriff Sale and it ends up being haunted. He has since made 5 sequels and a cartoon short that he animated himself (don't watch this it's bad in the unfun ways). A seventh movie is in the works where Tom Riley Paranormal Investigator has become an Uber driver and gets attacked by more ghosts.

I second the Bad Ben series, especially the first movie. They're very charming in a Z movie 0 budget way. Mostly cuz Tom Riley is way more upset about the poetential ghost demons ruining him flipping this house than anything else.

The making of video is worth a watch too because not only does it go into regular VFX stuff but also convoluted janked up FX he had to come up with because he was the only one making most of the movie. Like how to open a door spookily when you've already left the scene. run around the house and pull on a fishing wire


My personal contribution is Armageddon Code 2: Megiddo. It's the biggest budget modern Christian action movie I've ever seen. And soooo schlocky. Like the Christian president cocking a pistol while reciting "The Lord giveths *kok* The Lord taketh"

Thundercracker has a new favorite as of 18:12 on Aug 17, 2019

yeah I eat ass
Mar 14, 2005

only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

The first one is a pretty decent movie, but I feel like the Bring it On sequels belong in this thread because, honestly, they are terrible, but I've made it a point just for the sake of completion to watch all of them. I found out today there is a 2017 sequel I missed called Bring It On: Worldwide #Cheersmack, featuring spooky mask wearing cheerleaders hacking in to routine transmissions to do whatever a cheersmack is. The twist is the most obvious one ever, the international cheersmack competition means nothing in the end (e: technically it does but it's all about the main group and the masked ones, the international teams are just filler), there's a knockoff banksy over the top anti-social media love interest, it's just bad but at the same time I can't hate it.

Are people like this real? Are they supposed to be realistic portrayals of cheerleaders where they put cheer in front of all their verbs and engage in cheer-offs in inner city alleys? Who knows.

yeah I eat ass has a new favorite as of 18:22 on Aug 17, 2019

Samuringa
Mar 27, 2017

Best advice I was ever given?

"Ticker, you'll be a lot happier once you stop caring about the opinions of a culture that is beneath you."

I learned my worth, learned the places and people that matter.

Opened my eyes.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sxz-Y-c2UUc

"We're going to prove, once and for all, that God is dead."

It would take so little effort to turn these into parody movies.

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Chip McFuck
Jul 24, 2007

We droppin' like a comet and this Vulcan tried to Spock it/These Martians tried to do it, but knew they couldn't cop it

I'm the (proud?) owner of a DVD of Ax 'Em.



The movie opens with this title crawl:



From there, it transitions to an old man muttering around his house, extremely angry that his front door is open. A person follows him around via bad editing and gently lowers his axe on the old man's head. The movie then smash cuts to title sequence overlaid above a steps competition and a Yo Mama joke slinging MC.



It only gets more insane from there.

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