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Twitch
Apr 15, 2003

The Jellicle Moon is shining bright


twistedmentat posted:

I remember at the time there were book readers going "no in the book the cavemen were highlanders, it was way better" as if putting them in kilts would have made then going Hup hup cake! and learning how to fly harriers in about a day better than the pilots in the past did better or at least make more sense.

It also falls into that thing that ancient alien theorists always talk about how aliens came to earth for gold, because gold is valuable everywhere right?

I gave up on the book after the point where the movie ends because it grinds to a halt, but at least in the book instead of old fighter jets that mysteriously still work, the humans use the alien learning machine thing to teach themselves how to fly stolen alien fighter crafts. Like, it's a pretty terrible book, but it's way more coherent than the movie.

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twistedmentat
Nov 21, 2003

What's a war hero got to do to get some lubrication around here?

Ghost Leviathan posted:

Funny thing is that Cowboys and Aliens has the same premise.

Battlefield Earth makes a lot more sense considering it was meant to be a Scientology vehicle and is based on a book that from all I've heard is even worse and even more tedious and boring, with the last half of the book literally being about the bureaucratic consequences.

I'm vaguely remembered of Thor and how both movies get jokes made about how they use dutch angles all the time.

In Cowboys and Aliens Harrison Ford goes "What are they going to do, buy something?" when he's told about their plan. But yea it being a Scientology text explains a lot. The villains are Psyklos, which is meant to be Psychologists, because El Ron hated them. Also has an slave Alien Race the Chinkos, because El Ron hated Asian people.

nonathlon
Jul 9, 2004
And yet, somehow, now it's my fault ...

Most "bad" films are just bad and boring, not in any entertaining way, despite the hyperbolic efforts of various podcasters to play them up: "ohmigod this movie was INSANE!"

But Battlefield Earth? The sort of bad that makes you question the judgement of everyone involved. It's awful and awkward with minutes of starting. The acting is terrible, even for thinly drawn characters. I suspect the producers knew it was terrible but thought it didn't matter, throw in some special effects, action and scenery chewing, and it'll be the next Star Wars.

The Room has the same quality. It's like it was directed by an alien who has no first hand experience of humans, and the edited at random or assembled by a computer from a list of tropes.

One perhaps smart commentary I read, frames The Room as the story of a relationship breakdown solely from the point-of-view of an oblivious man who thinks he's a great husband, has done all the right things, and can't understand what went wrong or why his wife is unhappy. Which casts the movie in a much darker light.

nonathlon has a new favorite as of 11:25 on Apr 19, 2020

Ghost Leviathan
Mar 2, 2017

Exploration is ill-advised

twistedmentat posted:

In Cowboys and Aliens Harrison Ford goes "What are they going to do, buy something?" when he's told about their plan. But yea it being a Scientology text explains a lot. The villains are Psyklos, which is meant to be Psychologists, because El Ron hated them. Also has an slave Alien Race the Chinkos, because El Ron hated Asian people.

I think part of the idea was meant to be that the humans are as baffled by the aliens as native americans are baffled by the violence and greed of white settlers.

My guess was Battlefield Earth was made partly by Scientology true believers, mostly by people who just wanted to fulfil the contractual obligation and get it out the door and get away from these terrifying freaky Scientology people.

mojo1701a
Oct 8, 2008

Oh, yeah. Loud and clear. Emphasis on LOUD!
~ David Lee Roth

nonathlon posted:

Most "bad" films are just bad and boring, not in any entertaining way, despite the hyperbolic efforts of various podcasters to play them up: "ohmigod this movie was INSANE!"

But Battlefield Earth? The sort of bad that makes you question the judgement of everyone involved. It's awful and awkward with minutes of starting. The acting is terrible, even for thinly drawn characters. I suspect the producers knew it was terrible but thought it didn't matter, throw in some special effects, action and scenery chewing, and it'll be the next Star Wars.

The Room has the same quality. It's like it was directed by an alien who has no first hand experience of humans, and the edited at random or assembled by a computer from a list of tropes.

One perhaps smart commentary I read, frames The Room as the story of a relationship breakdown solely from the point-of-view of an oblivious man who thinks he's a great husband, has done all the right things, and can't understand what went wrong or why his wife is unhappy. Which casts the movie in a much darker light.

That was pretty much my thoughts, too. Battlefield Earth is bad in almost every conceivable way, and it's even worse because it tried to be so ambitious.

The Room is just weird. It's more technically incompetent, but the level of filmmaking was never there to begin with. It's fascinating because of that window into Tommy Wiseau's mind. I've read The Disaster Artist, and the behind-the-scenes of making it are really fascinating. I mean, the movie is what it is, but there's a whole extra layer of fascination once you find out, for example, that Wiseau didn't know that most productions rent equipment, and not outright buy it. Or don't shoot both film and digital for a reason. Or build sets if they have locations they can scout. Or the other things that actual experienced professionals told him that you don't do.

I can't imagine a similar scenario with Battlefield Earth. It's like the difference between a car that was produced and failed because multiple people didn't see or didn't care about an engineering fault, versus a car that was specifically designed by someone who had remembered the fantasy car they imagined as a kid and really wanted to build that. For better or worse, you can tell Wiseau wanted that in his movie.

Ghost Leviathan posted:

Funny thing is that Cowboys and Aliens has the same premise.

Holy poo poo, I'd forgotten about that. I saw it in theatres and thought it wasn't bad and delivered what it promised up until that reveal. Most resources that you can find on Earth should be much easier to obtain on, say, an asteroid (unless it's unobtainium or something).


Twitch posted:

I gave up on the book after the point where the movie ends because it grinds to a halt, but at least in the book instead of old fighter jets that mysteriously still work, the humans use the alien learning machine thing to teach themselves how to fly stolen alien fighter crafts. Like, it's a pretty terrible book, but it's way more coherent than the movie.

Agreed. Again, they could've used the colonialism argument and said that humans aren't actually stupid, but have been denigrated by aliens over centuries to believe that, after they learn to use the alien weapons against aliens. Terl somehow keeps talking about "man-animals" and them being too stupid to train, and yet he somehow knows about the library in Denver and man's great accomplishments and technologies. There are a few interesting nuggets of commentary that are just lost in this cloud of poo poo.

rydiafan
Mar 17, 2009

EEEEEENT
OOOOORT
EEEEEENT
OOOOORT


The one legitimately good moment in battlefield Earth is when the aliens see the main character eating rats out of desperation, and then they assume that he must really like rats, so they try to bribe him with dead rats later.

muscles like this!
Jan 17, 2005



twistedmentat posted:

In Cowboys and Aliens Harrison Ford goes "What are they going to do, buy something?" when he's told about their plan. But yea it being a Scientology text explains a lot. The villains are Psyklos, which is meant to be Psychologists, because El Ron hated them. Also has an slave Alien Race the Chinkos, because El Ron hated Asian people.

Also the Psklos were all evil because every member of their race got their heads messed with by psychologists to remove their morals. There's one "good" Psyklo (the one played by Forest Whitaker in the movie) and he's only good because it turns out he was secretly born outside the system.

mojo1701a
Oct 8, 2008

Oh, yeah. Loud and clear. Emphasis on LOUD!
~ David Lee Roth

rydiafan posted:

The one legitimately good moment in battlefield Earth is when the aliens see the main character eating rats out of desperation, and then they assume that he must really like rats, so they try to bribe him with dead rats later.

Right up there with Travolta bragging about how he was the best marksman in his class AT THE ACADEMY! and shoots off the leg of a cow. And then continues firing willy-nilly. The scene is supposed to imply that he's such a good shot that we only need to see the results, but the acting is so awful, he's just convulsing with his gun.

Also, why were there cows in a pen like that? Somehow I doubt humans have the ability to cattle ranch, and I doubt the Psychlos give a poo poo about cows.

Sunswipe
Feb 5, 2016

STILL ANGRY ABOUT CHEESE


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xACbVe7o9Rs

Schubalts
Nov 25, 2007

People say bigger is better.

But for the first time in my life, I think I've gone too far.


mojo1701a posted:

Also, why were there cows in a pen like that? Somehow I doubt humans have the ability to cattle ranch, and I doubt the Psychlos give a poo poo about cows.

They discovered burgers and steaks while stomping through someone's backyard and decided that that aspect of human culture can stay.

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give


Ultra Carp

rydiafan posted:

The one legitimately good moment in battlefield Earth is when the aliens see the main character eating rats out of desperation, and then they assume that he must really like rats, so they try to bribe him with dead rats later.

I watched chunks of Battlefield Earth while falling asleep, and this is the only part I remember with any clarity. "HUNGRY, LITTLE FELLA? "

nonathlon
Jul 9, 2004
And yet, somehow, now it's my fault ...

I had reason to think of the legendarily terrible movie Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever which caused me to wonder who the director was. Then the mystery deepened:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wych_Kaosayananda posted:

His directorial debut was Fah, released in 1998, which at the time was the highest-budgeted film in the history of the Thai film industry, but failed in the Thai box office.

His second film and American debut was the 2002 thriller Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, which upon release was widely panned by both critics and moviegoers as one of the worst films ever made. In March 2007, Rotten Tomatoes ranked the film #1 among "The Worst of the Worst" movie list.

Kaosayananda's post Ballistic films include Zero Tolerance, The Lost Medallion: The Adventures of Billy Stone, and Tekken 2: Kazuya's Revenge.

Started with a poo poo film, made another poo poo film, moved on to lovely films. How does this guy have a job?

nonathlon has a new favorite as of 18:55 on Apr 25, 2020

Darthemed
Oct 28, 2007

"A data unit?
For me?
"


College Slice

I still can't forgive Tekken 2 for squandering the surprisingly decent quality* of the first Tekken film.

*by videogame adaptation standards

Jestery
Aug 2, 2016

D. HALL


Goddamn ballistic is terrible

Misso and I got up Lucy Liu's first shoot out and were just blown away by how boring it is

Hard to reccomend even to bad film connoisseurs

yeah I eat ass
Mar 14, 2005

only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

That movie is an insult to bad movies. Give the movie concept to the syfy channel and only 10% of the budget and I guarantee they would have churned out something more interesting than what we got with the big budget and actors with recognizable names.

I tried to create a very scientific plot illustrating my theory of the relationship between budget, trying to be good, and how good it is, but I got a headache and gave up. The gist is that this movie would fall in the most shameful region of the plot.

Ghost Leviathan
Mar 2, 2017

Exploration is ill-advised

This is what happens when you do coke with the right people.

Gargamel Gibson
Apr 24, 2014


Jestery posted:

I watched Movie 43 recently

It's just atrocious in every single way

Humor off base
Eratic structure

Quick clarification: did you misspell "erratic" or "erotic"?

mojo1701a
Oct 8, 2008

Oh, yeah. Loud and clear. Emphasis on LOUD!
~ David Lee Roth

Continued spending my Saturday night during this lockdown with a good one. I decided to pick 1994's On Deadly Ground, the first and so-far only directorial attempt by Steven Seagal.

Maybe it's cheating to pick an action movie directed by a man most people don't take seriously in the field that made him famous anyway, but I disagree. If anything, what makes this movie so good is you can tell Seagal slapped his trademark sense over it: it's self-indulgent, grandiose with his character, makes no attempt to go past one dimension for any of its characters, and technically incompetent from a filmmaking perspective as it is.

The one good thing I'll say (other than the so-bad-it's-good value) is that there are a lot of explosions. They're not quality explosions, but they're there. I think the only reason anyone agreed with having it be about an oil rig in Alaska was they could find any excuse to blow something up.

So what's the plot? It doesn't really matter, but Seagal works for an oil baron named Jennings, played by Michael Caine. He finds out that the initial fire and explosion on a rig that claimed four men was intentional by the corporation and its owner (CEO? they don't mention what he is. Just that he's the boss). The reason Jennings' company is being sloppy with getting a new rig running with obviously-faulty parts is so they can keep a lease on oil fields so they don't revert back to the Alaskan natives. Why they waited so long before the deadline to get it going is never said. I'm pretty sure a super-rich oil tycoon's company isn't going to get a rig going right before a deadline. Have there been tons of cases of corporate ineptitude and outright malice just to save a buck? Oh, absolutely. But "We need to get this oil rig going within 13 days, but the good parts don't come for 30" is too much for a project that took at least a decade (or 3 decades. I forget).

Now, I know Michael Caine is no stranger to stinkers purely for the money (cf. Jaws: The Revenge), but you can tell he went for the paycheque for this one. He really hams it up as the evil oil baron. Now that I write this, I'm starting to think that the plot isn't set up because of ineptitude or greed, but because Jennings has an addiction to rage. He yells at everyone when he can. It's my belief that he set up this entire stunt just so he could go off on everyone around him: on his staff, on his henchmen, on Seagal, on TV reporters, and even the director of the commercial that is supposed to protect his public image (a perplexing cameo by actually-decent director Irvin Kershner). He's the kind of man who wishes he had had a son just so he could yell, "I don't have a son!" at.

And then there's his entire look: he's an oil baron, so of course he needs a bolo tie, a horrible black suit (I know it was the '90s, but COME ON), and a cowboy hat. Unfortunately, all background stops there. Sometimes you can hear a Southern drawl come out from him. Sometimes you can't. He really, really doesn't stick to one accent. He does, however, stick to one jet black dye job. In a better movie, an obvious dye job would be a signal to a character's vanity or that he's uglier on the inside than he is, but in this case, I'm willing to bet it's some kind of unintentional metaphor for his love of oil.

The plot then goes awry when they discover Seagal on the trail, so they send him into a booby-trapped rig where they try to blow him up. Seagal magically survives being thrown far away by an explosion, and they magically don't see his body being thrown clear to check (which they later realize they should). He's then found by a local Inuit tribe, nursed back to health by the chief and his daughter, and is spiritually reborn as a "bear" (there's a whole long hallucination, I guess, where he imagines all of this while told a creation story about how a bear was created so man would have something to fear as it rapes and pillages mother earth). It takes at least an hour of the movie to get from that basic setup and rebirth before he starts his plan to blow up the oil rig. He finds the cabin owned by his whistleblower friend who told him about the faults, and it's been ransacked by Caine's goons, led by John C. McGinley. McGinley has a ridiculous goatee and round sunglasses that are just plain goofy. I like to think he actually survived the movie (we never see his body hit the rear rotorblades of the helicopter) and discovered he can do more damage as a corporate consultant, because it's almost exactly the same look he sported (including the villainous upper lip sneer) as he did in Office Space.

He then flees to his cabin in the mountains, with a shitload of explosives. It's never explained why he's hoarding explosives for a war, other than he was a soldier or something. It was never hinted that he had a problem with the company until now, so why? He's such a skilled martial artist that he should be able to just punch the oil rig to explode in exactly 3 minutes. There's absolutely no tension in any of the fight scenes because he always kicks everyone's rear end handily. R. Lee Ermey shows up halfway through the mayhem as an "independent contractor" by McGinley to kill Seagal, has a shotgun on him at point-blank range, and Seagal still disarms him and shoots a giant hole through him almost immediately.

So he takes all the tools he needs, rigs the cabin to blow up and take a pursuing helicopter down with him, outsmarts the henchmen on horseback, and then eventually blows up the rig. We know this. It's tedious. The entire sequence of him figuring out a way to take down the rig would be appreciated in a better movie, since there's seemingly a method, but since other moments are peppered with ridiculous moments that would rival a horrible Batman script, we just don't care. The henchman start to discover after a while that Seagal is a formidable force because the hired guns discover that he has blanks in his employment from before. They deduce he's some kind of former high-level special government agent. Then again, that might explain via paranoia what's with all the explosives and firearms in his cliffside cabin.

Incidentally, the character's name is Forrest Taft. It doesn't really matter what his name is, other than it came out about 5 months before Forrest Gump did. I only mention this because it's interesting. I'll still be referring to his character as "Seagal" because he only really plays one kind of character: himself.

I realize I'm meandering here, so I'll try to wrap this up by talking about the ending. After all of this, he shows up to the Alaska State Legislature, and live-narrates a documentary about how awful pollution is and that the oil industry is guilty of crimes against humanity. OK, I'll bite. He then mentions something about alternative energies with goofy-looking cars and carburetors that give you 100 miles per gallon of gas (I assume that's a lot. If that's anything like 100km/L, then yes). It's so self-indulgent that I am absolutely not surprised that test audiences had to sit through an 11-minute long speech and was forced to cut it down.

Even if all of this were absolutely accurate and doable, it really rings hollow from a character that just killed untold amount of people and caused untold amounts of destruction, not to mention from a movie that had him convalesce and become entwined in Inuit spirituality, but then give a speech about how it's actually bullshit and he needs to kill the bad guys because the gods won't. I even howled at the earlier scene where he defends a Native man' s honour by fighting the redneck rig pigs abusing him and finishes it with a quasi-spiritual quiz about what it takes "to change the essence of a man?" and the guy who just took multiple gut-punches and an even worse ego-thrashing by saying that he needs more time to change.

Basically, the movie is a mess. There's a lot of action, but it takes a while to get there after the initial fire and explosion meant to kill Seagal. Some of the shots of snowscape are nice to look at, but other than that, it's not really much. Even past the screenplay level, the fight choreography is a joke (as I mentioned), the special effects aren't anything really, and the plot serves just for the needlessly-violent action scenes. At least making it an action movie saved it from being an even-worse feature-length bullshit documentary directed and narrated by Steven Seagal.

Jestery
Aug 2, 2016

D. HALL


Gargamel Gibson posted:

Quick clarification: did you misspell "erratic" or "erotic"?

Yes

LITERALLY A BIRD
Sep 27, 2008

I knew you were trouble
when you flew in



The dialogue in Fantasy Island is powerfully bad. I mean it's all powerfully bad but yowza!

Aginor
Aug 1, 2005

"Why do they come to me to die? Why do they come to me to die?"


Stephen King's Cell is possibly the worst film I've ever watched. How can a movie with John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson be so bad? But I soldiered through it because I'm a hero.

muscles like this!
Jan 17, 2005



Aginor posted:

Stephen King's Cell is possibly the worst film I've ever watched. How can a movie with John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson be so bad? But I soldiered through it because I'm a hero.

The book was no treat either. Like the part where King just randomly kills a character.

Uncle Lloyd
Sep 2, 2019


Dredging up this thread to say that Iím watching Eragon right now, and wow, this is really really bad.

Update: itís getting worse.

Uncle Lloyd has a new favorite as of 23:33 on Jun 6, 2020

yeah I eat ass
Mar 14, 2005

only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Aginor posted:

Stephen King's Cell is possibly the worst film I've ever watched. How can a movie with John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson be so bad? But I soldiered through it because I'm a hero.

I thought the first 5 or so minutes was OK, but everything after was total nonsense, and not in the good way. That ending with that goofy rear end face cusack has running around in circles...what were they thinking?

It's not quite as heavy-handed as The Happening was with its "technology/humanity bad" message, but it came pretty close.

i realize i am very late to replying to this but I forgot this thread existed for a while.

twistedmentat
Nov 21, 2003

What's a war hero got to do to get some lubrication around here?

Uncle Lloyd posted:

Dredging up this thread to say that Iím watching Eragon right now, and wow, this is really really bad.

Update: itís getting worse.

When I found out the writer of the books it was based on was a kid and the son of a publisher, that explained everything.

Jestery
Aug 2, 2016

D. HALL


Just watched

"Leonard Part 6"

It's just , not good in any way.

Like, you could quite easily cut off a half of if

Cosby is a retired CIA(doesn't matter) agent(basically the translates to black-pratfall-batman) who is a successful restaurant owner(doesn't matter) in San Francisco (barely matters) who needs to stop a radical terrorist vegetarian from taking over the area using mind controlled animals. While his daughter is ostensibly being taken advantage of by an older man in the showbiz industry (yes Cosby wrote and produced this)

Like it's all poor setup and no payoff and not fun. I get some real Austin Power meets Buckaroo banzai type vibes from this movie but Cosby has this real soft go with the vibe type delivery of all his lines that undercuts every line in this film. The Butler (his "Alfred" ) narrates the whole film making sure you get every beat you "need"

Spoiler
And like the ending does not make sense, the McGuffin is this orb that contains coloured fluids, Cosby needs to swap this orb for his.wife. Cosby's Butler swaps out the fluid with coloured detergent to render the plan non functional even after the swap.

So Cosby and his wife escape their lobster death room and are able to leave. But for some reason need to go back and stop the antagonist's plan.

If the McGuffin wasn't important why did the antagonist want the orb back?

If the orb was successfully sabotaged why did the plan need to be stopped?



Its true how did this get made territory

https://youtu.be/6okmqn-omDU

This is one of the less crazy scenes

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Regarde Aduck
Oct 18, 2012

haha


Grimey Drawer

muscles like this! posted:

The book was no treat either. Like the part where King just randomly kills a character.

Isnít that what he always does when he gets bored? In Ďunder the domeí he just kills everyone that isnít the main character and the love interest and her kids. You could tell he just wanted to end the story.

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