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i think he's losing interest in me. he used to sort my dirty laundry for me whenever he broke in to smell it. |
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Aug 22, 2019 19:37
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it's the little things you get used to, like not having to open your own mail. |
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Aug 22, 2019 19:38
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Don't even have to lock the door. Stalker is always watching, keeping me safe |
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Aug 22, 2019 19:46
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Who needs Rotten Tomatoes when your stalker watches your dvds while you're at work and leaves on-point reviews for you |
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Aug 22, 2019 19:52
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You never have to worry about getting your package stolen when you're expecting a delivery from Amazon, because you are protected. |
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Aug 22, 2019 19:52
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Caller: Hello, are you interested in purchasing 24 hour monitoring and surveillance, to keep your home safe and secure? You: Why, my stalker makes sure no one messes with or family but HIM! |
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Aug 22, 2019 19:54
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You (coming home late drunk): *hiccup* Wow, I'm pretty drunk... where did I hide *hic!* that extra key... Stalker (from the bushes): You're getting warmer... |
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Aug 22, 2019 19:55
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Splatmaster posted:You (coming home late drunk): *hiccup* Wow, I'm pretty drunk... where did I hide *hic!* that extra key... |
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Aug 22, 2019 19:59
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Splatmaster posted:You (coming home late drunk): *hiccup* Wow, I'm pretty drunk... where did I hide *hic!* that extra key... |
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Aug 22, 2019 20:02
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Splatmaster posted:You (coming home late drunk): *hiccup* Wow, I'm pretty drunk... where did I hide *hic!* that extra key... |
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Aug 22, 2019 20:03
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Splatmaster posted:You (coming home late drunk): *hiccup* Wow, I'm pretty drunk... where did I hide *hic!* that extra key...
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Aug 22, 2019 20:05
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mmmmm my wife must be making bac- *rolls over - locks eyes with wife* *together we say* oh stalker!
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Aug 22, 2019 20:12
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my coworker asked me for pet boarding recommendations. i didn't know any, and didn't know how to answer when she asked who takes care of my cat when i go out of town |
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Aug 22, 2019 20:12
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i can't wait to get home and just... unwind. oh! i hope my stalker is there when i get home!
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Aug 22, 2019 20:16
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oh flowers, they must be from jason... wait, he doesn't know how much i love blue roses, these must be from my stalker.
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Aug 22, 2019 20:16
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*driving, change radio station* and we got a request comin' up, for Heather Papps! it's from "you know who!" and he wants to say "you've been snoring, consider nose strips" anyways here is the song, "every step you take" a romantic song by british rock and roll combination, "the police!"
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Aug 22, 2019 20:18
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honey, when i got home the door was unlocked, and there was someone in the house. AND IT WASN"T MY STALKER! i am so scared we need to change the locks.
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Aug 22, 2019 20:18
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where did all my blood go? oh! i see! my stalker used it to write his apocalyptic screed upon my bedroom ceiling.
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Aug 22, 2019 20:19
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"i go through a lot of socks because Rex likes to steal them and chew on them" "cute. what kind of dog is he?" "oh, i don't have any pets" |
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Aug 22, 2019 20:25
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just had the 5th anniversary of when he started seeing me, and he gave me a nice photo album with a lot of the pictures he's taken of me over the years |
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Aug 22, 2019 20:27
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canyoneer posted:"i go through a lot of socks because Rex likes to steal them and chew on them" |
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Aug 22, 2019 20:42
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stalker: *heavy breathing into phone* me:  stop it you perv! stalker: ... sorry ... i was ... just ... out ... jogging ... me: oh 
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Aug 22, 2019 20:52
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WetNightmare posted:stalker: *heavy breathing into phone*
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Aug 22, 2019 20:52
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WetNightmare posted:stalker: *heavy breathing into phone* lmfbo
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Aug 22, 2019 21:40
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waking up to 50 new messages, all of them ‘good morning’ texts from a restricted number 
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Aug 22, 2019 21:57
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it's finally happening, my stalker is going on vacation, but fortunately he's been hard at work lining up a temporary replacement, along with, I'm pretty sure, some state-of-the-art remote surveillance technology. I'm amazed he has enough to afford the vacation, but I guess sleeping in his van down the street really keeps costs down.
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Aug 22, 2019 22:25
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i really admire my stalker, you know? if it rains i'm running to get away, even with an umbrella and rain coat, but my stalker? he just stands, out in the thunderstorm, never moving, never flinching, ever staring. it's so, like, i dunno - he has dedication to his craft and i respect that sooooooo much.
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Aug 22, 2019 22:29
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*checks under the door after hearing 3 knocks*
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Aug 22, 2019 22:35
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bee eater posted:*checks under the door after hearing 3 knocks* 
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Aug 22, 2019 22:36
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canyoneer posted:"i go through a lot of socks because Rex likes to steal them and chew on them" |
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Aug 22, 2019 22:40
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Heather Papps posted:honey, when i got home the door was unlocked, and there was someone in the house. AND IT WASN"T MY STALKER! i am so scared we need to change the locks. the police response is really fast to my house these days because the cops are out here all the time |
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Aug 22, 2019 22:47
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Splatmaster posted:You (coming home late drunk): *hiccup* Wow, I'm pretty drunk... where did I hide *hic!* that extra key... loving lmao
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Aug 23, 2019 00:31
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canyoneer posted:"i go through a lot of socks because Rex likes to steal them and chew on them" |
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Aug 23, 2019 12:32
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*bing* someone liked a photo of mine from... 14 years ago? holy poo poo, that is insane what kind of person publicly clicks like on a picture they aren't in that is more then a decade old what the gently caress - oh. it was my stalker. that's so sweet of him!
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Aug 27, 2019 20:30
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my alarm didn't go off this morning, stalker knocked on my window to let me know it was time to go to work, it was actually a pretty good way to get up I might start using them instead of an alarm clock from now on
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Aug 27, 2019 20:53
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*landscaper cutting down tree branch with chainsaw* me: *opening front door* hey youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuwuuuhhoaa my bad i thought you ... someone else ... ---------------- |
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Aug 27, 2019 21:15
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Managing a supermarket, asking my stocker to restock the hams somebody stole.
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Aug 27, 2019 21:23
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If you wanna be my stalker You gotta get rid of my friends (gotta get rid of my friends) Once you isolate me the party never ends If you wanna be my stalker You can't let them live (can't let them live) And ultimately not me either but that's the way it is |
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Aug 27, 2019 22:35
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google THIS posted:If you wanna be my stalker
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Aug 27, 2019 23:35
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| # ? Apr 23, 2024 09:44 |
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google THIS posted:If you wanna be my stalker me: so tell me what i want what i really really want stalker: i'll tell you what you want what you really really want me: i wanna i wanna i wanna i wanna stalker: *into the wendy's drive thru speaker* double bacon deluxe no onions make it a meal large fries unsalted regular size drink pepsi and no we are not okay if you have coke
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Aug 27, 2019 23:57
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