The fake jobs you wish you had

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SardonicTyrant: BTICH IM A NEWT
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&

I'd love to be a drug dealer at an old folks home helping old people get high. You know, give back something to the community.

# ? Aug 30, 2019 02:02

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# ? Apr 20, 2024 02:44

FreshCutFries

I want to be a money-taker. I go door to door and people put money in my big sack with a dollar sign on it. unless I don't feel like going door to door that day, then they have to come to my apartment.

# ? Aug 30, 2019 02:12

nut

i want to be a money-taker supervisor. i stay in a palatial office and wait for all the money-takers to come drop off all the money they took butt to me and then they leave without the money

# ? Aug 30, 2019 02:15

FreshCutFries

bee eater posted:

i want to be a money-taker supervisor. i stay in a palatial office and wait for all the money-takers to come drop off all the money they took butt to me and then they leave without the money

I've been talking to the boys (my various sacks, not the ones with dollar signs drawn on them, the ones with faces) and we've decided to unionize

# ? Aug 30, 2019 02:19

Heather Papps: hello friend

butt tester

"yes this butt is very good perfect. no, this one is slightly too small please here eat this fried chicken. wow okay no this booty is too hard please stop doing squats yes thank you. okay it is my lunch break i will now go home to my lovely wife and 2 children to eat a healthy lunch. i am going to pet my good dog and also and also and also."

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Aug 30, 2019 02:25

nut

Thingyman posted:

I've been talking to the boys (my various sacks, not the ones with dollar signs drawn on them, the ones with faces) and we've decided to unionize

ohhh i see *pulls his "c-d" dictionary off the shelf* sooo that's where youuuu, according to this book, you all bring me money at the sam etime i guess that's great no ifs ands or butts takesies no take backs

# ? Aug 30, 2019 02:25

roomforthetuna: I don't need to know anything about virii! My CUSTOM PROGRAM keeps me protected! It's not like they'll try to come in through the Internet or something!

"Professional control group". I just do whatever I want, and I get paid as a participant of all scientific studies, because I am part of the control group that didn't receive the treatment or whatever.

# ? Aug 30, 2019 02:55

Heather Papps: hello friend

roomforthetuna posted:

"Professional control group". I just do whatever I want, and I get paid as a participant of all scientific studies, because I am part of the control group that didn't receive the treatment or whatever.

this butt i get to smoke weed. i am the weed control group for testing oreos and also back massages.

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Aug 30, 2019 02:55

WetNightmare: by sebmojo

i just want to stand behind a counter and make big bills into smaller bills after scanning an item
just scanning and scanning with only the smallest amount of space between me and a wall

:sigh:

ahhhh well back to the blow-jobbery *clocks in and jumps into pile of women*

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Aug 30, 2019 02:57

Mortley: aux tep unt rep uni ovi

radio DJ

# ? Aug 30, 2019 03:04

Adiabatic: What have you assholes done now?

I bust into the house, gun drawn, the words "FBI" emblazoned on my back.

"Nice body, ma'am"

# ? Aug 30, 2019 03:35

nut

Adiabatic posted:

I bust into the house, gun drawn, the words "FBI" emblazoned on my back.

"Nice body, ma'am"

lmbutto

# ? Aug 30, 2019 03:49

Soul Reaver: in retrospect the old redtext was a little over the top, I think I was in a bad mood that day. it appears you've learned your lesson about slagging our gods and masters at beamdog but I'm still going to leave this av up because i think its funny

god bless

Professional video game player/movie watcher, and then complainer about the games I played/movies I watched.
I feel this would allow me to fully use my skills and feel truly fulfilled.

# ? Aug 30, 2019 04:02

Heather Papps: hello friend

Mortley posted:

radio DJ

hello welcome to cbc radio one and i am heather papps, bringing you news every hour on the hour. first off, man, have ya'll seen trudeaus butt? it is, like, so good.

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Aug 30, 2019 04:04

Escape From Noise

James Bond

# ? Aug 30, 2019 18:35

Macnult

Heather Papps posted:

butt tester

"yes this butt is very good perfect. no, this one is slightly too small please here eat this fried chicken. wow okay no this booty is too hard please stop doing squats yes thank you. okay it is my lunch break i will now go home to my lovely wife and 2 children to eat a healthy lunch. i am going to pet my good dog and also and also and also."

the dream

# ? Aug 30, 2019 19:57

Rockman Reserve: "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

i wanna be a professional objector at weddings, letting spurned exes and coldfooted brides have me object during the ceremony for a reasonable fee

first i've gotta make people start doing that "does anybody object" thing outside of the movies tho

# ? Aug 30, 2019 20:30

Rockman Reserve: "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

or perhaps an insurance adjuster for moose-related claims, i had a dream that a moose terrorized my backyard bbq party and somehow tore the roof off of my garage and the insurance adjuster for moose-related claims was completely unavailable for weeks, gotta love a job with that much vacation time

# ? Aug 30, 2019 20:32

DB Pooper: by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Before a commercial is allowed to be played on the radio it is brought to my desk on a cassette tape. I plop it in my boombox and listen to it through my headphones as the person stands there nervously awaiting my decision. I give a silent thumbs up or thumbs down as to whether it is allowed

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Aug 30, 2019 20:49

Luvcow: One day nearer spring

hamsterboy - just me on the back of a horse herding hamsters all day, mending the fences on the open range, kicking back with the other hamsterboys at the end of the day around a campfire and smoking lots of marlboro reds as the hamster herd moos in the background

# ? Aug 30, 2019 20:53

canyoneer: I only have canyoneyes for you

Thingyman posted:

I want to be a money-taker. I go door to door and people put money in my big sack with a dollar sign on it. unless I don't feel like going door to door that day, then they have to come to my apartment.

same, but professional trick or treater

# ? Aug 30, 2019 20:55

canyoneer: I only have canyoneyes for you

dog petter. like a dog walker, but without the exercise.
i just get to show up and pet your dogs and give them scritches behind the ears.

# ? Aug 30, 2019 20:57

nut

stay-at-home son

# ? Aug 30, 2019 21:31

Heather Papps: hello friend

house husband

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Aug 30, 2019 21:34

Business Gorillas

dm random people on social media and give them compliments

# ? Aug 30, 2019 21:48

Heather Papps: hello friend

compliment receiver

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Aug 30, 2019 21:56

WetNightmare: by sebmojo

im changing my answer to a millionaire in five steps... like, every five steps, i take... million dollars. gently caress yea

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Aug 30, 2019 22:29

Heather Papps: hello friend

unicorn groomer

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Aug 30, 2019 23:41

Korean Boomhauer

professional bowser fucker

# ? Aug 31, 2019 02:42

Escape From Noise

Twerkmaster General

# ? Aug 31, 2019 04:16

Jolo: ive been playing with magnuts tying to change the wold as we know it

SweetWillyRollbar posted:

Twerkmaster General

I'm picturing you commanding a thick line of willing twerkers forming a barrier to combat an incoming hurricane.

edit: ooh, I love how ambiguous that word thick is, it looks like it modifies line but maybe it's really modifying twerkers

edit edit: "General, we've modified the twerkers. Sir, they're juicier than ever."

~~~ byob summer 2020 ~~~ sig responsibly ~~~ i hope you enjoy my sig ~~~ please dont kangaroo jack what you cant kangaroo give back. ~~~

# ? Aug 31, 2019 04:20

Heather Papps: hello friend

SweetWillyRollbar posted:

Twerkmaster General

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Aug 31, 2019 04:20

nut

SweetWillyRollbar posted:

Twerkmaster General

# ? Aug 31, 2019 04:28

Escape From Noise

Sir, the booty claps and thigh thundering is at maximum capacity.

# ? Aug 31, 2019 07:29

Horace Kinch

waterside inspector but instead of surveying the structure i just ride them to make sure they're fun. i also get to cut in line

# ? Aug 31, 2019 20:56

Heather Papps: hello friend

And Tyler Too! posted:

waterside inspector but instead of surveying the structure i just ride them to make sure they're fun. i also get to cut in line

I really enjoyed this post when I thought it was about a person who is like "yep, this is a beach," but now I finished reading it and like it even more.

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Aug 31, 2019 21:06

Jedrick: There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
Smoke weed every day.

the guy who names things

"Hey, I'm going out for an extended lunch, if anything needs naming just call it, uhh, Super Funk."

# ? Sep 1, 2019 01:42

Escape From Noise

And Tyler Too! posted:

waterside inspector but instead of surveying the structure i just ride them to make sure they're fun. i also get to cut in line

Just avoid the one at Action Park.

# ? Sep 1, 2019 02:32

Finger Prince

Making Cool Noises With Synthesizers And Sometimes Other Instruments Technician.
Pays around $100k/year plus pension and benefits. 5 weeks paid vacation. Also you don't really have to do it if you're not in the mood.

# ? Sep 1, 2019 04:06

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# ? Apr 20, 2024 02:44

Heather Papps: hello friend

OK. So, the job is this: king of everything.

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Sep 1, 2019 04:07

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > The fake jobs you wish you had

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