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sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

OH BOY HERE WE GO

Recite The Litany Of Stealth To Avoid Being Heard; or, Someone Who Hates Warhammer 40k F&F's The New Warhammer 40k Comic


Hey cats. Name's Sasha and I'm here to be a big bitch to Warhammer 40k.

My history with the franchise is late-2000s teenage megafan to radicalized 2014 adult who realized how fashy the whole enterprise was and tries to avoid talking about it now because it just makes me mad. Now 40k is once again available in my preferred medium that isn't movies (it's comics), and like flies to poo poo, I cannot resist. I am going into this blind but predisposed towards disliking it, so if someone dunking on 40k doesn't sound like your idea of fun, you might want to skip this. Or I might fall in love all over again. Wouldn't that be nice! I'm trying to keep an open mind, because Kieron Gillen is usually pretty good, but I don't have high hopes for a comic where this



Is what passes for a protagonist.

Issue one came out literally yesterday, so it's all I'm gonna read because it's all that exists. I might continue this if it hooks me AT ALL, but don't like...expect this to be super regular.

REGARDLESS, EVER THUS DO WE BEGIN, IN THE SHITBLACKNESS OF GRIMDARKIA 40,000,000,000

Okay, so the first page pornographically describes a giantbig bullet being fired out of a gun and killing a heretic. It knows what you're here for and I'm positive at least one 40k creep got kind of aroused by it. Yeesh.



[homsar voice] dyaaaaahhhhh i'm a big spacemaaaaaan

The next page is the credits and title, as if this book had earned a cold open. Plus an abbreviated version of the "IN THE GRIM DARKNESS THERE IS ONLY WAAAAAAR" spiel that conveniently leaves out the parts where the thing Calgar is fighting to uphold is rotten and corrupt. "40k doesn't portray the Imperium as good guys, it's just satire, everyone is bad guys, hrbrhbthrbrhgbrlblvblbghthggl"

https://imgur.com/qT5ZisJ

"Did I leave the cyber-domitus-patria-in-nomine-stove on?"

Evidently ol' Calgary Jake is busy thinking about war things and is too distracted to let the boring robot man talk to him.

So Calgar talks about how the planet he's on is all messed up from recent battles but that's okay because it's been messed up before and we should really get to repairing all this when suddenly some more space marines show up to tell him there's been an attack and the time for more pages of Space Marines effortlessly slaughtering mooks is now.

A few stray notes: I do not like the art in this book. He looks like somebody's golf-obsessed boomer dad, and for some reason his hand is all gnarled and strange in that panel.

Also the stupid virgin robot nerd tries to talk about rebuilding things instead of shooting things, and that's dumb nerd poo poo, so Marneus Calgar slaps that little pussy down with some MCU-quality bants. I assume before the big battle started, he dumped the cyber-dork's books too.

The next TWO PAGES are an IMMENSE and highly compressed map of THE ENTIRE loving 40K GALAXY and I have never cared less about a map in a fantasy thing. It stops to highlight Macragge to tell us some more poo poo I don't care about. DYING IN YOUR THIRTIES IS GRIMDAAAAAAAAAAARK.



This panel is insanely funny to me. We need more poo poo like this in 40k. "Dirt-farmers supplying hay to an aeons-old techno-fortress" completely kicks rear end.

Anyway this tech-priest is apparently twitchy because Calgar knows who he is (which is corny but, in fairness, I'd be pretty excited if, like, Obama knew who I was or something). Calgar basically talks like your platonic ideal of a Good Guy Space Marine and this is actually starting to be boring.

Then some stuff that the real 40kids in the audience are here to see happens.

Why do these Chaos boys wear uniforms? It's weird, isn't it? "Chaos in uniforms"?

Then Calgar broods on a hilltop over such devastation to his home, then when the tech-priest asks if it's his home, Calgar says some badass poo poo about how it's not his home. Okay?

The next page is half-flashback start, half-infodump about his not-homeworld apparently, and I am literally not even going to bother reading it.

So in the flashback we meet a kid with cybernetic parts who exhibits excitement, which another despises and commands his bratty fellow who dares to be a child to not "distract your betters". Very manful, this not-having-emotions business.

Two child soldiers practice until one nicks the other with the knife and it's super badass and awesome, don't you wish you had a childhood like this. Turns out one of the kids is Baby Calgar and he's quoting the Codex Astartes and being a good smart little child soldier who's also badass and cool and nice too. Yawn. Then this other kid is like "BEING NICE IS FOR SQUARES!" and frankly I'm still not sure why I'm supposed to feel anything for any of these characters?? Besides brand recognition I guess.

We meet a gruff teacher guy and these kids are gonna either become space marines or die in The Test and I have never been more bored reading about child-soldiers about to be murdered in the name of a psychotic religion. (Could be worse - I could be reading US Army pamphlets, ha cha cha).

So the kids get dropped off on the moon and then a giant murder monster shows up and then we go back to the present-future of the grimdarkness of 40,000 years ago in the future. Apparently heretics attacking is mysterious and strange and Calgary Jack must Know Their Goals and then we get ANOTHER PAGE OF loving PLANETARY INFODUMP. PLEASE TELL A STORY INSTEAD OF GIVING US FUN FACTS SPRINKLED BETWEEN ACTION SCENES.



I...I don't know...

Anyway, it goes to the moon and some tech-priests on the moon where murderbeast was Get Got but left alive by Chaos Space Marines who, I STRAIGHT UP SWEAR, say this Saturday Morning Cartoon poo poo:



And then that's it.

I know this is only issue one of an ongoing and it hasn't had time to develop its themes and yadda yadda yadda, but if this is the standard of quality from written 40k works lately (and Chaos help the comic division if this is the best art they can get), it does nothing to dissuade me from my conclusion.

CONCLUSION: 40k is still pretty much exactly like it was back in the 2000s and 2010s, stuff about big beefmen having feelings and being sad that they do genocide (but not stopping the genocide or questioning the things that make them do genocide). Overall I give it Absolutely Normal 40k Thing out of 5.

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sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

JcDent posted:

The new Marneus sculpt looks stupid, it's like he has a boombox upon his shoulders.

WOOOOAAAAAHHHHH

EVERYONE WAS WEARING GIANT PAULDRONS

WOOOOOAAAAAHHHHH

I SAW A CATACHAN DOING THE BARTMAN

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

mllaneza posted:

Your current gold standard in 40K is a fan film though, Space Marines as the terrifying murder monsters they're supposed to be to normal humans:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVXEYksoE6c

I was hesitant to give it a watch because I am SO SICK of Marine Porn that I didn't want to give them even that tiny bit of my time, but if it's goon recommended I might check it out anyway.

eta: Someone suggested Damnation Crusade, which I also haven't read. Is it the Sisters book or is it a Marine book? I feel like there's another Marine book. Bloodquest or some poo poo?

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

SINCE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT 40K AND WHAT A FUCKIN poo poo IT IS, I'm motherfucking BACK. Marneus Calgar #2 came out yesterday and while I am not a fan of hate-reading, I AM GOING TO CONTINUE HATE-READING!

First up, if all 40k art looked as good as this cover, I might still give a poo poo about it:



gently caress that's hot.

Next, after last month's tremendous massacre, some kinda corpse-picking guy gets jumped by a Chaos Space Marine that's not-quite-dead. Marneus shows up with his special boy gloves and blows the only mostly dead CSM away with a quip. (Were there Chaos Space Marines in that battle? And if there were, why are they mooks? Why am I supposed to give a poo poo about this protagonist again??)

Marni Calgary says he needs a base of operations to find out how traitors got all up in Ultramar, and the art is pretty good this issue.



Calgar Estates, purveyors of fine amesac since 30,492.

Some incredibly awkward dialogue later and the Chaos Space Marines back on the moon cap the tech priest after convincing him to lie about his status. This leads into an actually kind of funny but entirely too brief diversion about the philosophy of murders in the name of Khorne. Apparently these Black Legion cats are planning something that's going to make their "Long War" come to an end. Why would they want the Long War to end? These specific cats are implicitly Khorne worshippers. I understand wanting victory, but it seems weird to single out that the war will END.

Then we get another boring infodump page about the Great Crusade, the Horus Heresy, the Long War, and the First and Thirteenth Black Crusades, plus another kind of funny line:



Please just commit to being silly, comic, you're good at it.

So they arrive at Calgar Estates, which looks cool but not cool enough to want to copy+paste art of it, and they talk about how Marneus hasn't been home since BEFORE he went to kiddy kombat kamp, and how What Is A Man? Then Calgar goes back into rambling about his flashback from last issue, with the little Emperor Jungen getting ready to die viciously or else prove that they're space marines. Hooraaaayyyy.

Basically they survive the first night and get put on "shooting poo poo" and "welding your face shut" duty.

Then he gets oddly melancholic, almost as if the comic wants to address what a brutal and hollow life being raised from birth to murder is, but then it goes into the importance of brotherhood and adherence to scripture and whatnot. Yawn.

So the long and short of it is that Calgar and another kid were good buddies that refused to join a more popular clique of authoritarian bullies, and said clique mysteriously vanishes in the night while on patrol, so Calgar and his buddy go find them. They end up being cultists of Khorne, along with their sergeant guy of all things (this actually surprised me), and then Marneus gets stabbed in the heart and loving dies. Holy poo poo. It turns out OUR Marneus Calgar gave up his name of Tacitan to honor his childhood friend, and this is GENUINELY COMPELLING. I am surprised at how much this got to me.

We end on a really cool page that kind of wraps up the themes.

So this issue had a TON more nuance and depth to it than issue one - I guess they had to lure in the 40kids somehow, and genericness was the key. I think I'll be back for this again next month, in hopes that Issue 3 is as good as Issue 1, which could frankly hold together pretty well on its own if not for all the details reliant on later issues. Until next time, folks.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

mellonbread posted:

Did James Stokoe do that cover? It has the same art style as Orc Stain.

It is, and he's doing the cover of next issue, and if he didn't have a terminal hatred for laying out comics I'd want him to do the art for this whole series. I'd have been hooked issue one if they'd busted out my man Stokoe.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

Midjack posted:

Marney looks like Mike Pence in that comic.

All those buzzcut conservatives of a certain age look the same to me.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

Stephenls posted:

So original flavor Marneus is totally going to have survived and be one of the shadowy figures leading the chaos forces, right? Like, we can all see that coming? There's gonna be a fight where Original Marneus is like "You stole my name and left me for dead!" and Tacitus Marneus is going to be all "You were dead and I took your name to honor you!"

Yeah he maybe should have removed the dead body from the Khornate demon cave, but w/e

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

Epicurius posted:

...he's virtuous and good, he also is naive and has no social skills at all, and that ends up getting him into trouble.

percival himbo

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

JcDent posted:

Does The Good Elfgame even exist?

grimDARK B]

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

Mors Rattus posted:

Yeah, it's not totally clear at the moment if the Newborn is Slaanesh reborn, or is New Slaanesh, or is just an immensely powerful harbinger of Slaanesh's escape.

I personally think it's a piece of Slaanesh that she managed to throw out of the box she was stuck in during one of the times the lid was open so Morathi could poke her with a stick.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

Went to check comics today - Marneus Calgar #3 is NEXT week for anyone playing at home. Would there be demand for me to read some D&D comics or anything like that so I can be a little more active in here than dunking on Calgary Jack once a month? Any requests?

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

INCOMING TRANSMISSION
INCOMING TRANSMISSION
From: Friend Computer
Subject: Treasonous Materials And You [CLEARANCE BLUE AND ABOVE] / Lesson 1 of 7


Hello, new Blue citizen, and welcome to Treasonous Materials And You, an organizational seminar intended to get newly-recruited Blue citizens on the same page as the rest of their compatriots. This is the same training undergone by some of Internal Security's top agents and will include an overview of propaganda, deceitful messaging, and other tricks and tactics made by traitors too uninformed or treasonous to dupe an intelligent, insightful, and aware member of Alpha Complex's elite classes.

While the lies and bigotry on display in this seminar may be enough to deceive a lesser-ranked citizen into acts of treason and malfeasance, we trust that you have showed sufficient loyalty to experience these materials without compromising the values and beliefs of Alpha Complex. However, it is a sad truth universally acknowledged that sometimes human error results in materials such as this to profligate among lesser-ranked citizens, including giving citizens of GREEN Security Clearance and below access to emails and seminars such as this one. While we value any attempts to further investigation, this email is CLEARLY for citizens of BLUE security clearance or higher. Therefore, we will be deploying a memetic kill agent at this time:



If you are of a security clearance of GREEN or lower, congratulations! You are now dead. If you are of security clearance BLUE or Higher and you have been killed by the memetic kill agent, please report IMMEDIATELY for a mindwipe and genetic reassignment therapy to scrub any last remaining vestiges of the memetic kill agent's imprint on your mental and genetic structure.

This organizational seminar will cover an obscure but essential piece of the history of treason in Alpha Complex: A disseminated propaganda comic from the Old Reckoning (circa 1991 to 1992) known as PARANOIA.



As you are well aware by now, comic book releases not authorized and approved by Internal Security are a severely decadent form of treason, punishable by disintegration. This particularly treasonous tome was released by ancient comics manufacturers Malibu Comics, under their Adventure Comics imprint. The history of the series is [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASON].

This piece of Old Reckoning ephemera is still a potent and dangerous tool used by Communists, Mutants, and Traitors today to disseminate and spread false information and terrorist thoughts and actions now in the year 214. Among its many crimes are inaccuracy to the truths of Alpha Complex, a dour and melancholy tone that stands at odds with the fun and whimsy experienced every day by citizens of Alpha Complex, a strangely definitive ending in which terrible calamity befalls the entire Complex, and most of all being less entertaining that Internal Security-approved alternatives such as the Teela-O Comedy Special #5 [ANY REFERENCES TO PRIOR OR FUTURE ISSUES ARE PUNISHABLE BY TERMINATION] and Ram-B-EAU Action Comix [Intentionally misspelling approved by Internal Security for fun and whimsy purposes - any citizens caught misspelling "comics" without proper authorization will be subject to re-education].

This basic introduction concludes our first lesson, a generalized introduction to the deadly and treasonous world of Old Reckoning comics and communist propaganda. Our next lesson will cover Paranoia #1 and will go over the contents and provide detailed commentary on [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS].

That is all for this daycycle. You are excused. And remember: The Computer Is Your Friend.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

Ghost Leviathan posted:

Also, cybernetics are about as well-supported as modern day appliances are.

Reminded of that Teen Titans episode in the bad future with Cyborg; he's been unable to keep his almost entirely bionic body upgraded with modern technology, resulting in basically becoming obsolete; his power cells burnt out long ago and he has to lug a generator around with him everywhere, leaving him effectively confined to the mostly abandoned (and stripped) Titans Tower.

Bold choice to make your character the HBO Max Doom Patrol deconstruction of themselves.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

PurpleXVI posted:

Have I ever told you that you're a good writer? Because you're a good writer.

Oh my god, I'm touched. :blush: Thank you!!

Next part should be going up either today or tomorrow. I'm re-reading the issues before I post but uh...whew. They're a slog.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

INCOMING TRANSMISSION
SEMINAR COMMENCES NOW

Treasonous Materials And You / Lesson 2 of 7 - Alpha Complex: A Serious House On Serious Earth

Hello, and welcome back to Treasonous Materials And You. Before we begin Lesson 2, we would like to make a statement: These course materials are for citizens of Security Clearance BLUE and higher. If you are of Security Clearance GREEN or lower, we'd like you take this quick one-question survey and await further instruction.

If I were to be sentenced to a painful public sentencing, I would least like to be...
[A] Placed on Reactor Shielding duty and made subject of the new Dugg-R-TLC-produced educational docuseries "The Real Shambling Abominations Of Reactor Sector HDK".
[B] Made to scour the Undercomplex for communists, mutants, traitors, and other ne'er-do-wells with the assistance of my trusty Undercomplex Specialist Care Package.
[C] Be made to sample different flavors of Bouncy Bubble Beverage and rate each on a scale of "Delicious" to "Life-Changing".
[D] Time served in the Maximum Fun Chamber.

Thank you for your cooperation! Deploying memetic kill agent:



For those still alive*, congratulations on last week's promotion to BLUE Clearance! You have some very serious duties now, one of which stems from your closer involvement with Friend Computer's very own Internal Security department. This seminar will help you identify and eliminate suspicious materials that may cloud the minds of other citizens and result in the making of rash decisions.



Our sordid tale begins with a strange, hallucinatory vision of an Alpha Complex debriefing center. One can immediately tell that the author of this comic's view of reality is skewed - the colors are too muted, the dialogue sinister and ominous instead of fun and uplifting, and the art is an exaggerated and illogical expressionist portrayal of its subject matter. How upsetting! As the great citizen Leopold-I-FNK-17 once put it, "The only expressionism you should be doing is expressioning to the Computer your adoration, latest information, and admissions of guilt."

In another deliberately confusing moment meant to shake good citizens' faith in reality and disturb the should feel about their place in the upward-mobility friendly Complex Of Today, Today, the man who comes to rescue our flat-topped hero (who, we may add, resembles noted communist icons Guile and Legion) then turns on him as well, threatening a lobotomy. In a confusing turn of events, our hero refuses to comply as a concerned Alpha Complex administrator does their duty to Alpha Complex with a power drill. He then wakes up at last, and our story begins in earnest.



Our hero is named King-R-THR-1, after the famous Old Reckoning hero [REDACTED]. This comparison is made increasingly obvious by every single other citizen's incessant need to say his entire name every time. Concerned citizens should note it is rude to refer to people by their full names and all times, and emotional damages resulting improper name usage could result in up to a 16,000 credit fine.



Our hero has been struggling to retain his faith in his Complex-mandated councilor, who is surely doing their best to treat such an unruly client. Being naturally shiftless and of little use to anyone, he has been falling behind on his job (as shown in a highly treasonous sequence in which a RED citizen speaks to a High Programmer and is not dealt their rightful justice when they do not immediately comply to everything said by their superior).

Our foolhardy hero has a moment of clarity...



And takes his mandatory Happy Life tablets. However, rather than seeing the reality of the situation as he would with real-world Happy Life tablets, he instead sees treacherous images of old Reckoning schoolyards and living rooms. What follows is an exceptionally bizarre sequence in which a being sure to be the offending citizen-protagonist's terribly traitorous mutant id brings him back to a riot he apparently experienced in a filthy and underutilized area of Alpha Complex (unrealistic and communist propaganda, that there would be areas of Alpha Complex in less than pristine condition). During this flashback, he meets a woman he seems to have treasonous interest in, especially considering she is a mutant with a malformed spine and bottom:



The woman, apparently in the present and apparently reported dead (which is terribly unlikely in the annals of Alpha Complex's perfect bureaucratic process), goes on a rambling monologue demonizing the Computer, its pharmaceutical donations to poor citizens in need, and whatever other trite revolutionary phrases the author cares to lay on the table, abandoning subtext. Thereafter our protagonist and the woman apparently do something so treasonous, even this disgusting, Communist-produced filth cannot portray it in full.



However, some concerned citizens are fast on their way, shooting the treacherous doppelganging woman and holding our "hero" accountable for the earlier crime of stealing some RED clearance boots. Our citizen-protagonist, you see, is Infrared clearance and trying to make something of themselves without going through the authorized channels. Instead he must be propelled through cheap Communist plot devices such as motivation via the death of a woman.

The concerned citizens threaten to execute the protagonist, but then another one nearby says some nonsense that, if it were to exist, would surely not be forbidden in Alpha Complex:



Like a coward, our protagonist sneaks off while the concerned citizens exact justice and commence hunting for him.

We regret to inform you that at this point, the drug-addled mind of the Commie Mutant Traitor who wrote this apparently collapsed into putrescence, as the citizens are suddenly ambushed by Alpha Complex's famous Vulture Squadron and a squad of obscure "heroes" who are not referred to in any way as unusual:



Some more concerned citizens arrive to rescue King-R-THR-1, but discover his identity and nearly report him for termination, per the request on the termination list that morningcycle. Our heroes (that is, these new concerned citizens) make some hard moral sacrifices, however, as they must convince King that they are on his side to get him to turn his back. Then they deliver a well-aimed laser to the back of his head, ending his reign of terror once and for all...or do they?



Right off the bat, we'd like to note some incongruities: The presence of Old Reckoning stonework buildings in Alpha Complex is an unusual and highly unlikely flourish, considering the grand and glorious work put in to keep Alpha Complex in peak condition at all times. The unusually dour tone is at severe odds with the happiness and goodwill felt throughout Alpha Complex at all times. Furthermore, the presence of pun-based names and other quippy flourishes stand at bizarre odds with the comic's otherwise "Straight" (and falsified) portrayal of gritty life on the streets of Alpha Complex.

As you can see, treasonous material can be easily identified by its confusing and disheartening post-structuralist art styles, its sour and unpalatable tone, and its utter detachment from reality.

Next lesson we'll be tackling the second of six issues about King-R-THR. Due to the cliffhanger chapter title, it is an unfortunate truth that the extent of King's crimes have yet to be revealed to the Computer, and he has yet to be subject to complete clone wipe as a result.

Farewell and until next time,
Your Friend, The Computer



*Alpha Complex does not guarantee the safety, survival, or structural integrity of BLUE clearance citizens exposed to the memetic kill agent. If you begin to develop symptoms such as sweating, nausea, or rapid organic decay or cellular growth, BLUE clearance citizens are encouraged to immediately purchase a CyaNite Heavy Duty Sleeping Capsule at your nearest medical dispensary. If the CyaNite dosage proves inadequate, simply lock your doors and windows and remain where you are. Help will be there shortly.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

Epicurius posted:

To: TK_Nyarlathotep-V-SEP
From: Epicurius-V-HOS

Re: New Seminar Material

At HPD&MC, we have some concerns about the effects of the expansion of the "Treasonous Materials And You" seminar to all new Blue Citizens. While we recognize the need for all citizens to be aware of the insidious effects of Communist propaganda, studies are showing that exposure to this material is leading to a decrease of productivity by participants of .72%, as well as an average decreased mood of 5.2 points on the Happiness Satisfaction Index (modified). R&D informs us that they have developed a new mood stabilizer called [name pending review by inter-service group committee] that, in preliminary Infrared testing, has a 42% survival rate. I am also informed it has a new, minty flavor. We therefore recommend dosing of all participants with [name pending review by inter-service group committee] as the seminar goes forward.

To: Epicurius-V-HOS
From: TK_Nyarlathotep-V-SEP
Subject: Re:Re: New Seminar Material

Glorious Daycycle, Friend Epicurius,

We've been processing and reviewing your concerns and have discovered that, despite everything, decrease of productivity is still within acceptable drop parameters - just barely, so we'll keep your concerns in mind and look to make the seminar materials more actively engaging. Regarding the mood decrease, that was a major concern while developing the production materials. The garish art alone had a negative effect on some of our chief viewing officers, with a notable 17.6% uptick in willing reports for termination. We'll attempt to modify the program accordingly to reduce discomfort and happiness reduction, and administer as much [name pending review by inter-service group committee] as is safely permissible.


PurpleXVI posted:

God, when was this published? It feels like it must've been put out alongside one of the more exceptionally bad editions of Paranoia that just did not get the mood of the setting.

Oh it's real bad and it only gets moreso from here. I remember attempting to read it years back and skimming because it is just a DRASTIC disconnect from the Paranoia I know and love. Even if utilizing the Straight variant from XP it's still got a lot of stupid incongruities.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

Hostile V posted:

One hop this time! One hop this time! FREEZE! Everybody clap your hands!

[clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap CLAPCLAP]

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

Give me The Hungry Flesh Lads

Also, Paranoia updates are slow because this comic is a loving slog. It's not even fun. Writing in-character as Friend Computer is the fun part. Reading is ABSOLUTELY NOT.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

I haven't read Red Markets because I do not like stuff that is that unhappy but also doesn't have an off switch (like saving the day, taking out the authoritarian big bad, helping people besides yourself and improving their lives, etc.) or some kind of levity valve (the comedy of Paranoia, the quirky take on D&D-likes of WFRP, etc.), but I am curious where you drew the conclusion that the game hates rural people and loves not!Musk.

I know a lot of lib-leftist discourse revolves around wanting to hurt people in Red states for being racist, homophobic, etc., and pledging their love to techbros and egotistical assholes who really aren't into leftism so much as using it as a platform to self-aggrandize, so I wouldn't be SURPRISED if the book was like that, but I AM surprised there's apparently disagreement on whether or not it is like that. I want your thoughts more than I want the setting info.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

I'm following this, because Bluebeard's Bride is one of those RPGs I DO NOT loving GET AT ALL. Why would you want to hang out with people and take a walking tour of some hosed up evil dude's rape castle? I've never heard of any points of interaction besides, like, something similar to the Lore Ghosts in Little Hope, where you find the thing and speculate something horrible happened, and then move on. Even inhabiting the brainspace of the game gives me the fuckin willies. I'm interested in seeing what other people think.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

wiegieman posted:

Some people really want to play a fainting lady in danger.

Ah do declayuh!

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

wiegieman posted:

A Death book for Soulbound will spend a tremendous amount of time on Sexy Vampires and I guess I can't really blame them.

Warhammer has entirely one sexy vampire, and that's Isabella. Even Vlad looked like a fuckin freak the stronger he got.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

Cooked Auto posted:

Mannfred von Carstein says hi. Very smugly.



What, this fuckin guy? Handsome Squidward But Nosferatu?

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

Night10194 posted:

Pass for Human says otherwise!

Vlad can look like Gary Oldman whenever he wants.

He has, in fact, probably crossed oceans of time to be with Isabella and she is totally into it.

poo poo gently caress I forgot Pass for Human, and especially that he's described in Vampire Wars as looking exactly like Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker's Dracula.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

Night10194 posted:

Vlad and Isabella just being genuinely in love and having a completely healthy, mutually respectful relationship while thousands die around them and all of Sylvannia is like 'awww that's so nice' is one of the best parts of Hams Vamps.

I told my sister about Vlad and Isabella one time and she asked me point blank "Why are vampires the only valid straight couples?"

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

I obviously have a vested interest in Skavenses.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

INCOMING TRANSMISSION
SEMINAR COMMENCES NOW
From: Friend Computer

Treasonous Materials And You / Lesson 3 of 7 - Not Just Propaganda, But Outdated Propaganda Too

Hello and welcome back to Treasonous Materials And You. I'm your host, Friend Computer, and today we'll be talking about the most dangerous kind of propaganda of all - the outdated kind. But first, a message from Internal Security:

These materials are meant to be accessed by citizens of security clearance BLUE and higher only. If you are not of security clearance BLUE or higher, please report immediately for a dosage of class-3 hallucinogen and amnesia inducer. Mistake-Erase: Making your memories the impossible.

In the last part of ours seminar, our treasonous protagonist was justly executed for crimes against an exaggerated and poorly-rendered version of Alpha Complex. Now we join his clones in the creche, who will hopefully prove more loyal than him.




But wait: What does "his clones in the creche" mean? This is where we start today's lesson: Outdated propaganda. During your time operating against traitors in the Complex, you will most likely find yourself in possession of treasonous information that is outdated. In this instance, King-R-THR-1 apparently lives in a "creche" with his many, freely-deposited clones. Citizens of RED Clearance are granted six clones to expend. That is six opportunities to serve the Computer in life AND death! These clones are deposited from the nearest decanting station and placed back into the field as near to their previous location as possible.

However, in previously available anti-Complex materials intended to portray a negative (and completely inaccurate) image of Complex life, a citizen was forced to share a home with all five of their clones, instead of the clones sleeping comfortably in their tubes, awaiting their memory transfer and a new life. As you know, any citizens who can afford to are allowed to live in private housing, regardless of clearance. Due to his elevated status as a RED clearance citizen, it is very strange that King-R-THR-1 would have clones that live in public housing. That he would live with his own clones is stranger still - and wasteful! In the unlikely event of a large-scale accident, who would replace poor, dear R-THR-1?

Where does this misconception come from? Outdated information based on previous Complex data? Fiction invented to discredit Alpha Complex? A common misinterpretation by the Commie Mutant Traitors who do not fully grasp local customs?

None of the above! The true source of this idea was started by an Internal Security and Research and Development subcomittee in Yearcycle 216 to be implanted among secret societies. When this element is detected, it can now immediately be flagged as ANTI-COMPUTER PROPAGANDA. Subtle but brilliant work!

When asked to step forward and informed of his high likeliness of being executed, his "clone brothers" (another nonsense term) helpfully point the Internal Security agent to King-R-THR-2. The treasonous materials now step in to clarify that this clone - apparently named King-R-THR-2 despite his INFRARED clearance - is being promoted to his previous clone's position with a RED clearance. This refusal to follow internal logic suggests a subtle malice on the part of the author's mind, which gaslights the viewer into believing nonsense such as INFRARED citizens having a security clearance initial.

An extremely abbreviated version of processing through CPL, R&D, and briefing occurs and King-R-THR-2 is placed in his housing in ZLT Sector. He is given a droid therapeutic instructor that sits on his head and distributes smiles when happiness levels drop below acceptable levels. We meet the hard-working higher ranked citizen Erasehead-O-ZLT-2 (a fake name if ever there was one), whose portrayal as a slovenly, rampaging misanthrope is grossly at odds with the kindness and compassion of ORANGE-clearance overseers in the real world.



King-R-THR-2 is sent to his own creche, where he spies on King-THR-6 (strangely referred to PROPERLY as King-THR-6, rather than the earlier incorrect naming). After his shift ends, he boards an EXTREMELY outmoded form of transportation that it has the audacity to call a "Tube Station", which is portrayed as an overcrowded, inefficient mess with wait times of three hours or more.



This is based, once again, on outdated information. The trains portrayed in this are inefficient, steam-and-coal powered artifacts from ancient Pre-Reckoning history. Such objects would not last a moment in Alpha Complex when compared to our high-speed, clean air tubes powered by [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS].



Our "hero" callously bullies an INFRARED citizen out of his seat and is properly reprimanded for it by a group of other RED Clearance citizens. They report him to a BLUE Clearance Citizen, who brings King-R-THR-2 in for interrogation. The machine on his head activates and the narrative once again collapses into total incoherence:



King-R-THR-2's train is, apparently, derailed by the monstrous actions of these bizarre caricatures, he falls into a hole, and ends up...outside, apparently? The events are terribly unclear. He finds himself in a strange, potentially treasonous den, but returns home before he can report anything he's seen, yet another display of his emotional cowardice.



He meets his roommate, a properly loyal and heroic young woman who King-R-THR-2, of course, immediately distrusts and falls in love with simultaneously. The female part is a little underwritten. Due to his flagging happiness, his hat is forced to pull double duty in increasing his happiness levels. Our hero learns via the nightly report that he has been flagged for interrogation due to definitively being a member of the National Fantasy Fan Foundation (a secret society with no previous record of existence). He does not turn himself in for questioning, but he is apparently turning into some kind of horrid monster:



King-R-THR-2's head is then torn apart by his happiness enforcement module, a richly-deserved end to a wretched life.

If there is any moral to be gleaned from his richly negative portrayal of Alpha Complex, it is simply this: Be true to the Complex, and to the Complex be true. All of our wayward citizen's perils could have been avoided if he'd simply followed orders and done as he was told.

Join us next time for another journey into this unpleasant and nihilistic piece of treasonous garbage.

That is all for this daycycle. You are excused. And remember: The Computer Is Your Friend.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

Out of character: Yes it is absolutely morose and mature wanky bullshit, but the absolutely most bizarre part is this:



This is the ad from the back of the book, which means it was written during the high age of Paranoia (until XP came out). You'd think the licensing would be a little tighter, but this is the same West End Games that released 5th Edition (heh), hence this editorial from the scanner:



What were we even doing in the early 2000s.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

JcDent posted:

Wait, just to clarify: XP is the good Paranoia or...?

Oh yeah, unironically XP is the best edition. 25th Anniversary is only not the best edition because the art-work is an absolute eyesore.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.


Five Nights At Freddy's looking rear end

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

Rhandhali posted:

What were the differences? I donít recall them being all that much except in terms of organization.

I got the white box. Not sure what everyone else thinks but I thought it was just, well, bad. I dumped it in the secondhand market a while back and donít have any specific recollections other than it had a couple of OK ideas with piss poor execution.

Just a couple little quality of life improvements and some interesting ideas for playing classes besides your original Red Troubleshooter.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

I want them Big Bois in the Sons of Behemat please.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

subject: fuckinnnnn SEMINAR!!!
from: definitelyFriendComputer@deathleopards.irmrkt

[b]SUP LOSER!!!


im am the computer!!! today were talking about a thing you'll like O R MAYBE NOT?? it's called a comic and itS FKN AWESOME!!!!!!

first lets do the memetic thing thT kills you fif you look at it:
click if ur loyal

LMAO GOT EM!!!!

okay so last time that stupid dipshit got killed a second time, which is good, cuz he suxx lmao. this time he's doing this???



is that a blaster mixed w/ a vibroblade or smth?? rly stupid lmao

next we see smth that doesnt look like basically any version of alpha complex b4 this, which makes sense cuz nothing in this stupid comic looks like alpha complex at basically any time lmaooo



inm the computer and i say its treason thjat nobody in alpha complex looks this cool, get on it or get blasted nerdfkrs

so teh armed forcres are shipping literal truckfuls of troubleshoompters agains a bunch of muties in a secotor in a bit that's almost fgooffy enough to be an actula moment in alpha complex life. neway, knging-r-thru-3 now (loser lmao) is being mandhandled by a super zealpous weirdo trobleshooter who throws him headlong into the battle (also the commies in this sequence are using ww2 stuff?? where tf did trhey get it for cheap enough to arm a whole plattalion??? old reckoning stuff is one thing but this is fkn ANCIENT reckoning shiz)

anyeway the religulous zealot guy turns out to be lance-r-lot-3 (he's like that one guy! and he has the same clone number ats rthr!! wow!!!!). he has a lancelot delusion and gets all weird about king having the name he does, and this metaphor probly doesnt go anywhere. also i wish lance would gdets hit by a fkn maglev tube.



i, griend computer, genuinely have no fuckn idea what in the fk this is abotu and whoever made this should get fkn terminated on prinicpal.

so lance keeps bein cray-cray in the membray and has them just run through the enemy fire like a test of faith or smth cuz he thinks king is a legendary chosen one whatever.yhtn then king fucknn flashes back to his past as a worl;d war 1 guy or whatever?? i doinnt??? and he says hes having dreams but hes awake when he comes back

uhhh im copmputer so dreams are for communits or whatever, dont do them. he keeps havin visions of being a ww1 man which gives him thje strength he needs to throw a [s[dgraned[/s] grenamde at the enemy and survive a little longer before he dies atg the end of the issue cuz this gimmick is even more predictable than actually runnin ops as a trubleshooter, but waaaayyyyy less fun.

anyway dipshit doo and dipshit dum piclk up a bunch of commie guns to go on the warpath and it wants us to think its badass but its so so dumb.



i wqish id been cloned w/o eyesz so i wouldnt have to read this crap.

another one of those dumbn as hell avengers parodies shows up while they deepen into the enemy battlefield or w/e.

in another remarkably actual-alpha-complex-like moment, they call for a tacnuke, which drops a huge fkn shell on the "revengers"...and pops open, releasin a bunch of bureaucrats who are there to verify and clear the paperwork to launch a tacnuke on this location. this level of comedy does not sustain for long.

they get cornered by commies and blow a hole in the floor and go into a tunnel and we get straight up an entire page of boring unfunny marvel hero parodies and a hawman one???



what were ppl even DOING before 214 smh

what happens next is an infodump even i, the gr8 friend computer, dont even feel fukin qualified to comment on. go back to being bleak.

neway, king's gf from issue 1 shows up and just as they're about to fkn cuddle, he gets nabbed again by a guy in a smiley mask who jostles him to death, then takes it off and reveals...IT'S KING-R-THR-4!!! SHOACK!!!!!

anyway this comic is awsom i give it an 11/10 bc it pisses off intsec with its existanxe lmao. plus some good violence in it. gpood to smoke synthyjayne to while listening to tool lmaoTRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED

Citizen!



We'd like to extend a formal apology. Due to a technical error, all information regarding Treasonous Materials And You Seminar Lesson 4 of 7 has been [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS]. We would like to take this time to offer a 45% off coupon for your local Mind-Scrub Facility located at this address: [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS]. Attendance and expenditure of this coupon is mandatory and will be monitored, so be sure to verbally confirm that you wish to use coupon code "Hello Friendly Mind-Scrub Droid, I Would Like To Please Erase All Knowledge Of The Past 12 Hours And Flag Myself For Immediate Auto-Termination On Sight Of Any Cerebral Impulse Irregularities During The Post-Scrub Diagnostic Process" on check-out. USAGE OF COUPON CODE "Hello Friendly Mind-Scrub Droid, I Would Like To Please Erase All Knowledge Of The Past 12 Hours And Flag Myself For Immediate Auto-Termination On Sight Of Any Cerebral Impulse Irregularities During The Post-Scrub Diagnostic Process" IS COMPULSORY. FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH TIMELY USAGE OF COUPON CODE "Hello Friendly Mind-Scrub Droid, I Would Like To Please Erase All Knowledge Of The Past 12 Hours And Flag Myself For Immediate Auto-Termination On Sight Of Any Cerebral Impulse Irregularities During The Post-Scrub Diagnostic Process" IS PUNISHABLE BY A FINE OF 10,000CREDS AND UP TO 30 DAYS IN The Maximum Fun Chamber.

Thank you for your cooperation. A makeup session for this missed opportunity will be retroactively charged to your account 11 hours ago and beamed into your mind via DreamOScope at 0300 Hourcycle on Daycycle 028. If you are not asleep by 2300 Hourcycle on Daycycle 027, Vulture Trooper agents specially trained in therapeutic techniques will be dispatched to your location. Thanks, and have a very pleasant day!

sasha_d3ath fucked around with this message at 20:42 on Jan 27, 2021

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

By popular demand posted:

39/m/Israel though I'm not sure why you care.
Old joke, ask your parents.

Atlantean as Second Language

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

TaurusTorus posted:

I want the Ratte to be a boss fight in a WW2 Metal Gear Solid type game. Also supersoldiers dosed up to the gills on D-IX

"hrmgrrrn, dicks?"

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

JcDent posted:

So you can be a tree ghost elf Night Lord, huh

Will you knock this poo poo off, nothing GW does is original, it is all archetypal fantasy poo poo, we get it, shut up.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

I'm genuinely shocked to hear enthusiasm on it from you, cuz you have been dunking on it HARD.

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

I'd be down for some ogrusses, sure

sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

JcDent posted:

I'm safe in 30K

lmao of course

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sasha_d3ath
Jun 3, 2016

Ban-thing the man-things.

Nessus posted:

The elfish term is "rangau," so obviously they would be Rangoons.

uhm excuse u

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