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So, hi! New-ish writer Perpetual Motion here presenting my first large writing project: "And You May Find Yourself". First, a summary: Samantha Greensdale is a twenty-something shut-in living with her parents who finds her life uprooted as she is transported into a new world, with a new body. Now she must contend with her new reality, search for a way home, and maybe make a few friends along the way. This is a rather personal story to me. It deals with depression and the accompanying isolation, making friends... and has talking animals (if that's a turn-off for you). Here's the first chapter, as a sample (1804 words. It's a bit better formatted in my original document, where I have proper centering and dividers and such): Chapter 1 “Arrival is rough. We all know that. Time heals those wounds, though, so we forget sometimes just how strong the denial can be.” – Jason the Coyote It was an average night for Samantha Greensdale. Home in her room, browsing the internet, and generally feeling miserable. The harsh glow of her laptop’s screen was the only light in the room, casting long and deep shadows across from her desk. At least things are peaceful, she remarked silently. A flash of lightning from outside briefly illuminated the room, as if to mock her. She didn’t mind, though. A storm would at least be marginally interesting, much better than whatever inane memes and cute animals she had been seeking out in her boredom. She’d take whatever stimulus she could get at this point. Lightning struck again, much closer this time, and the subsequent thunderclap rattled the room’s windows. Sam noticed the internet go down as the electricity to her computer and the wi-fi was cut. Now her laptop was just running on battery power. Not that she’d be able to use it for much with no internet. Great, that’s the last thing I needed, Sam thought, frustrated. It’s okay, she reassured herself as a bit of anxiety creeped into her mind. It’s just the internet, it’ll be back eventually, and you’ll survive the night. At least things won’t get any— ——— —worse. Sam squinted in the bright sunlight, blinded by the sudden change. After a moment, the world came back into focus, revealing that she was kneeling in a large forest clearing. Something was wrong, though, even beyond the obvious change in scenery. The trees towered over her like skyscrapers, when she knew that not even the largest trees in the world were that big. Beginning to panic, Sam attempted to jump to her feet, only to immediately lose her balance and fall onto her back. It was then that she saw her hands, held out in front of her. Only they weren’t her hands. They were small, brown, furry paws, each with four toes and no thumbs. Things began to click. The forest wasn’t huge, she was just tiny. In fact, she wasn’t even human. Strangely enough, the realization calmed her down somewhat. After all, she had to be dreaming, right? What exactly am I? Sam wondered, rolling onto her feet. Sam closed her eyes to take a mental inventory of her own body, something that she had been trained to do before as a relaxation technique, but now found to be particularly useful. Flexing her joints and trying out new muscles, she took note of her four legs and long tail, which flicked through the air behind her. Her ears, now set on top of her head, swiveled around like little radar dishes, searching for sounds. Oddly enough, though, she couldn’t hear anything beyond her (alarmingly fast) heartbeat. Not even the slightest hint of birdsong. If I didn’t already know I’m dreaming, that’d be pretty— ——— —creepy. Sam blinked as the forest landscape before her was replaced by the screen of her laptop. That doesn’t… What the hell just happened? Sam stared at her once again human hands and tried to process what was happening. She didn’t feel like she had just woken up from a dream. The closest thing she could compare it to was somebody changing channels on a TV. “Honey, are you okay up there?” The voice of Sam’s mother rang out from downstairs, snapping Sam back to reality. “The power just went out!” “Y-yeah,” Sam replied, still a bit shaken up. “Do you want me to bring you a few candles for your room? It’s not healthy to just be staring at that computer screen in the dark.” “Uh, sure.” Sam hated the heavily scented candles her mother used. They always gave her a headache. She didn’t want to tell her mother that she had just been sitting in the dark to begin with, though. All that aside, Sam couldn’t help but continue to puzzle over her “dream.” It just seemed so… real. And it didn’t feel like I was waking up when I snapped out of it. A hallucination, maybe? That seemed like the most likely answer, though it came with its own set of implications. I did remember to take my meds this morning, right? That didn’t seem like a probable cause, either. She’d been off her meds before, and she never hallucinated anything. No matter, I’ll call my doctor about it if it happens again. ——— And then it happened again. Sam stood once more in the forest clearing, only this time she wasn’t alone. She found herself staring down the beak of a very large, black bird. “Hello? Earth to squirrel?” A feminine voice echoed in her mind. She knew she hadn’t thought it, but she hadn’t precisely heard it, either. “I guess this one’s still flickering. Doesn’t seem to have a grasp on reality just yet.” Flickering? Sam wondered. What’s that supposed to mean? “Ah, so they do speak!” the bird (at least, Sam was fairly sure it was the bird) said. “Go on, give it another go!” “Like—” Sam reflexively opened her mouth to answer, only to make a high-pitched chirping noise. “No, no. Just your thoughts. Focus on them a bit and I’ll hear them.” “Like… like this?” Sam thought, concentrating on wanting to be “heard.” “Perfect!” The bird hopped around excitedly. “You pick things up quick! Just be a bit more careful with thoughts you don’t want others to hear.” “Okay…” “You’re, uh, taking this rather well, aren’t you?” the bird said, cocking her head. “Most people panic and freak out once they arrive.” “You’re just a hallucination,” Sam said. “Panicking is dangerous, so I just need to stay calm and go to the hospital once I snap back to reality.” “You’re still flickering, so staying calm is a good idea, but you have to realize that this is reality. A reality, at least. Pretty soon, it’s going to stick.” ——— Stick? Before Sam could respond, she once again found herself in her room. This is bad. Now all curiosity was replaced with anxiety and panic. I need to get help. If I’m seeing and feeling impossible things this clearly, something must be going terribly wrong. Brain aneurism? Stroke? Sam tried to push that kind of thinking from her mind. She was no doctor, so all speculation would do is fuel her panic. Even with all that considered, Sam found it hard to stand and do something about it. Not because she physically couldn’t, but because she’d have to tell her parents what was going on. All that would accomplish in her mind would be causing them to worry and cementing her as some broken girl who would always need their help. Of course, the logical part of her knew that such thoughts were ridiculous, especially in this situation, but at the moment, logic was hard to come by. Another bolt of lightning finally startled her into moving. Pushing away from her desk, Sam stood and made a dash for her door, only for it to open before she got there, nearly smacking her in the face. On the other side stood her mother, holding two lit scented candles. “Whoa there!” she said. “You should know better than to be running around in the dark like that! Is something wrong?” “N—“ Sam reflexively began to say “no” before catching herself. “I mean, yes. I need help…” Her mother opened her mouth to respond. ——— “…And once things stick, there’s no going back.” The bird stood over Sam, waiting for her to respond. But Sam wasn’t prepared to even acknowledge the bird’s existence, much less say anything back. Instead, her panic continued to mount. No! No, no, no… She crouched down, shut her eyes, and placed her front paws on her head, desperately willing herself to wake up. “It happened again, didn’t it?” the bird said. “Hurts every time. Believe me, I know.” It’s all in my head, Sam told herself. And I’m with mom now, so she should know something is wrong. She’ll get me to a doctor and get all this sorted… “Hey,” the bird said, leaning over to stroke Sam’s cheek with her beak. “It’s going to be okay, okay? Whatever will be, will be, and all that jazz, ya know?” “So, I’m supposed to just accept all this?” Sam asked, indignation snapping her out of her panic. “How is any of this okay? For all I know, I’ve hit my head, and this is all just the last dreams of a dying mind.” Sam got back to her feet and looked the bird in the eye. “You. Are. Not. Real.” “But I’ve pulled you out of your head, haven’t I? I’d rather deal with you angry until you cool off than deal with you completely losing it.” “I’m still losing it!” “That, my furry friend, is relative.” The bird unfurled a wing, gesturing to the forest around them. “Look around you. This is where you are right now, dream or no. What good will it do you to act like you’re not? If it’s not real, no harm, no foul, right? On the off chance that it is, though…” “Why not play along?” “Not how I’d phrase it, but close enough.” The bird paused for a moment before perking up. “Oh, yeah, I completely forgot! We still haven’t properly introduced ourselves! Melody the Raven, at your service!” Melody extended her wing again before crossing it in front of herself and bowing. “Uh, alright,” Sam said, finally calming down a bit. “Sam. Sam Greensdale.” She reared up on her hind legs, wobbling a bit to keep her balance, then extended a forepaw. Melody stared at it for a bit, unsure of what to do. Eventually she remembered the long-forgotten gesture and extended a wing to shake, as awkward as it was given their size difference. It was then that Sam noticed one last thing about her body. Her wrists and ankles were connected by a furry flap of skin. She wasn’t just a squirrel. She was a flying squirrel. “A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Sam” Melody said. “I’m sure the others will think so, too.” “Others?” Sam was caught off guard by the prospect. That’s exactly what I need. More figments of my imagination to worry about. “Hey! I heard that!” Melody shouted back, offended by the (unintentionally voiced) remark. “Sorry to ruffle your feathers, but you still haven’t done a very good job of convincing me that any of this is real.” Melody laughed out loud; a rather terrifying sound compared to her “mental” voice. “I’ll forgive the pun, since you’re new. Now walk with me. I’ve got a lot to explain on the way home.” ******** So, that's that! I'm sure it's not that good, but if you'd like to read the rest of the story, you can find it in a Google Doc folder here: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1HnAjo_Olmt3M0vx58D1wFfdfhbStINgg?usp=sharing That contains all six chapters, as well as a seventh file compiling all six together if you'd rather read it that way. I hope you all get at least some enjoyment out of it, and if not, then at least it'll be a learning experience for me.
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Sep 23, 2019 09:37
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What is your target audience: High school? Young Adult? Serious English Literature? Any specific questions you want to be answered in your crit? Any topics you want us to avoid in your crit?
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Sep 23, 2019 15:52
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Exmond's asked some good questions for us to really help you, but there's one thing I can knock out regardless of any of the answers: Your First Line posted:It was an average night for Samantha Greensdale. Your first line has one real job: to make people want to read the second line. Telling us it's an average night for Samantha Greensdale does the exact opposite. It doesn't promise us anything out of the ordinary and doesn't leave us asking any questions. It doesn't even tell us anything about Samantha, as we have no idea who she is or what her average night is like. Maybe she's a vampire and her average night is sucking human blood. Maybe she's a cat and her average night is batting a bell around the baseboards because its funny to wake her owners up. We have no idea, but because you (the author) have deemed those events unremarkable, we're not compelled to read on and find out. Go on amazon and read the first sentences of a bunch of the most popular books. I'll bet hard money nobody's story is starting on an average night. See where they do start and apply it to your own work.
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Sep 23, 2019 18:50
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First off, since you are a new writer here is some help with critique. 1) Get several opinions, and if you can one that is your target audience. The target audience may be more forgiving with your genre's issues. 2) Suggestions suuuck, it's your story you know how to write it. Thin line between Suggestions and Examples. 3) The only person who can make you stop writing is yourself, screw the haters. Now, watch as I turn into a hater. I 100% agree with Nae here. Do not start at mediocre, start at her TURNING into A FREAKING FLYING SQUIRREL. Your story, with my comments:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wP0hhUFDCJYOV6zen3TPoJyZyVojw_FKAWdR3Uj5tUE/edit?usp=sharing Please make a copy, and inform me, and I will delete it. This is Furry Isekai and offers little to the reader in terms of character, motivation or tension. It goes all-in on the Isekai genre, hoping that "We are in a new world!" and "Squirrels" will enrapture the reader. I am not your target audience ( stop staring at my anime avatar). I think people who regularly read the Iseaki Genre will like this. I have several problems with your start. 1) We have no idea who your protagonist is and don't care about them, they just turn into a squirrel. 2) I don't know why the starting scene is there, with protag in the bedroom. It's not a good foundation to build a story on (Protag is.. miserable? I think? and has a mother) and in general, the focus on an Iseaki story is the new world and what your protagonist does in it. 3) You start is confusing. Suddenly shifting in and out of squirrel form, and your protagonist being oddly calm about it. This is a bit of a continuation of problem #2, as I believe if your protagonist was just cemented a little further, it would make sense. 4) Who cares about Mr. Coyote, I certainly don't! 5) Who cares about Mrs. Protags average day. Focus on your prose, lot of extra words being used. The story asks a lot for those not familiar with the Iseaki Genre, and in my opinion, asks to much from the reader. There was one glaring POV shift that was not appreciated. Maybe I'm coming off as too negative here? It wasn't a bad story, just didn't have a good character moment for me to latch onto. Hope you continue writing! Exmond fucked around with this message at 00:23 on Sep 24, 2019 |
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Sep 23, 2019 23:13
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I've copied the comments, thanks! Funny thing about the whole "furry isekai" thing. My intention was never to try and break into those genres. It's just an idea I had rattling around in my head and felt the need to spend time writing, though obviously it does fall into those categories in retrospect. I totally see the problem with the opening. Suuuper newbie mistake there. It was literally the first thing I wrote, and I guess I was just to used to reading it that I never thought any better. Should be an easy fix, though. I think I may need to merge chapters 1 and 2 here to get the appropriate character hooks in there quicker. Combined with a quicker start, it shouldn't bloat things too much. Maybe rework the whole thing entirely to add more dread, since the mystery and character introductions were meant to be the driving force in the first half, and that obviously isn't going to work. Thanks again! I'll need some processing time to figure all this out. Hearing that it's not very good stings, but I should have expected it. Nobody starts off good, right? I just hope it's salvageable.
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Sep 24, 2019 03:37
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Exmond posted:Isekai Not everyone in the world is an anime geek who speaks fluent Japanese/memorizes random Japanese terms. What's wrong with using the word "fantasy"? Exmond posted:1) We have no idea who your protagonist is and don't care about them, they just turn into a squirrel. I agree with all of these points except for the second half of point 2 (not everything in the world is anime and must follow an anime formula exactly). It might sound like a contradiction to say "start out with the squirrel" and "show us who the protagonist is" because one tries to jump you into the story immediately, the other starts a bit slower. One way to do that is sort-of cheating, it's an in-media res sort of thing. quote:It wasn't a bad story, just didn't have a good character moment for me to latch onto. I also agree with this. Perpetual Motion posted:I've copied the comments, thanks! I've got a story I'm working on. To give it a kick of momentum I started off with an in media res thing with a murder victim being found, to hook the audience, then flashing back to "two days earlier" where I'd do a bunch of character introduction stuff. I quickly realized though, that having just a bunch of character introductions would be dull, dull, dull, so I added in a source of conflict and tension, which also allowed me to show character in some different ways. Conflict is the fuel for fiction. Conflict drives the story. What is the conflict in this enclave of these animals? Where do they get food and water? Is it being consumed faster than it grows? Are there any interpersonal squabbles? Right now the conflict is largely internal. Internal conflict is good, it's important for well-rounded characters, but if you ONLY have internal conflict, then the story just devolves into navel-gazing. I also find the ending a little odd. The main character has been suffering from depression, but after one brief flip back home for a motivational speech, suddenly Sam's depression seems to be lifted and she's willing to think "everything will be fine". It just seems a little abrupt, a little too easy - almost like that's the end of the story. However, I am assuming that there will be more after this, something to do with the world through the dead tree, though.
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Sep 24, 2019 06:05
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Stabbey_the_Clown posted:Not everyone in the world is an anime geek who speaks fluent Japanese/memorizes random Japanese terms. What's wrong with using the word "fantasy"? The closest analogous term in english is "portal fantasy" so called because transit to fantasy worlds in these works were, in the West, usually achieved through portals. It's already been overtaken by "isekai" in much the same way a bunch of people describe the specific flavor stimulus of "savory" with the more specific Japanese term "umami" since the word savory can also cover a variety of other different non-sweet flavors.
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Sep 24, 2019 07:20
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Stabbey_the_Clown posted:Not everyone in the world is an anime geek who speaks fluent Japanese/memorizes random Japanese terms. What's wrong with using the word "fantasy"? I am pointing them to genre readers. I do think this story will have success with people who read that genre. Edit: The story can be absolutely ADORABLE and is Twee a word people still use? If Twee is a good word I would use Twee. Exmond fucked around with this message at 16:07 on Sep 24, 2019 |
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Sep 24, 2019 15:54
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 23:45 |
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Stabbey_the_Clown posted:Not everyone in the world is an anime geek who speaks fluent Japanese/memorizes random Japanese terms. What's wrong with using the word "fantasy"?
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Sep 24, 2019 16:40
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