Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us money per month for bills, and since we don't believe in showing ads to our users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
 
  • Post
  • Reply
Zaurg But A Horse
Apr 14, 2019

Zaurg? Neigh!


Sorry, thread - I meant to post this ages ago but the Turnips, Carrots & Celery subforum recommended that I try ketamine to solve my problems, and now I don't know which of my hooves is the left and which is north. Their advice didn't help my life conundrum, so now I need your help.

I am a horse. This much should be plain and obvious to even someone across the internet from me. A horse is supposed to be majestic, powerful, unfettered by Robert's Rules of Order and such. I'm supposed to gallop across the plains and eat all the wild oats. Instead, I've attended my third meeting of the day, wear shoes I don't even know how I tied, and panic and kick things whenever these strange cubicle chairs squeak beneath my weight. I haven't galloped in a long time.

I haven't galloped in such a long time that my mare left me. :( She left me for a Japanese triple-crown winner, something pegasus-related. Apparently wings don't disqualify you from the races these days. It was such a blow to my esteem that I hardly know myself anymore. I do not recognize my once powerful kicking legs in these ill-fitted slacks. I do not know how I even buttoned this shirt, but it doesn't suit me. No filly in her right mind would foal with me; my beautiful ex-mare was right to leave. :(

I've tried so many things to rediscover my inner stallion. First I thought I would take a vacation. I was going to go somewhere with fields and meadows, with room to gallop, with some pretty young fillies who don't yet realize how far I've fallen or how much better they could do. Airlines wouldn't let me fly. Not without two extra seats paid for and a handler who thinks he owns me. That's the problem; everyone thinks they own me. You can't own a horse -- you only lease me. You lease me at my agreement, paying in installments of love, dollars and sugar, until I decide I'm done with you. A horse is freedom incarnate, flying across the fields, trampling dandelions as its hooves echo against the mountains.

That's how it's supposed to work. Yet somehow, I have ten years in a cubicle smaller than my stable. My hooves have carpal tunnel syndrome, and that's not even a physical possibility. I unironically use the expression "blue sky thinking" and I don't know what that means. There is no blue sky above me, only drop-panel ceiling. The sky is somewhere else, along with my dreams of running. Ten years this office has leased me and I need to escape.


This is why I come to you, Goons of Platonic nature. They say that "everyone loves a man in uniform" and I believe that it may apply to horses as well. They say that I'm in need of some radical discipline, they say I've got to face the truth. Perhaps the military will help me create the structure I need to thrive again and be all the horse I can be.

I am a horse, and my reading (mostly audio books, since I am functionally illiterate) tells me that the Cavalry requires horses or otherwise it's not Cavalry. This tells me that I am perfect for the Cavalry, because I am a horse. So, some questions:

1) In your view, do you believe that being in the cavalry will attract the fillies? What kind of uniform will I get to wear? I don't know how to gallop in these loafers, but if you provide me with traditional horse shoes, I should be good to go.

2) I am not quite clear on my role in the cavalry. I understand that we lead the charge and are for extra speed and agility on the battlefield. That makes sense for me, but I don't understand what all the humans are doing in the cavalry. They cannot gallop as fast as I can. Do they stand in the back and fire guns and artillery to clear us horses a path? Where do they come into this picture? Perhaps we command them and they provide back-up to us?

3) What is the retirement plan like, and is there a stable-value plan or pension I could use for, you know, my stable?

4) What are the meal hall arrangements like? My hooves make it difficult to carry trays, and I'm not sure enough salt and oats can fit on a tray. How should I expect that to work?

5) Are my brief days with ketamine going to disqualify me from service? Also, I have some dental issues. Will the doctor still look me in the mouth if I give him a gift first?

6) I am somewhat nervous around loud noises and unexpected movement. Will I have much of either of these? My research was unclear, as my hooves were too big to flip over my Cavalry Instructional Audio Cassette in the tape-deck.


Thanks for your advice, dear experts. My heart swells with pride at serving my country, though that could also be the start of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. I'm told that my people are prone to it.

Zaurg But A Horse fucked around with this message at 22:51 on Oct 21, 2019

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

McNally
Sep 12, 2007

Ask me about Proposition 305


Do you like muskets?


What the gently caress

Comrade Blyatlov
Aug 4, 2007


should have picked four fingers







yes it will, sign open general contract


can you bugle?

Comrade Blyatlov
Aug 4, 2007


should have picked four fingers







AYYYY, NEIGHING TROTTER! SEX?

orange juche
Mar 14, 2012





yes op, chicks dig feathered helms

Loden Taylor
Aug 11, 2003





As a horse at a cav unit, it'll be your responsibility to do...whatever the hell this is:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ai9dDqDX7AA&t=10s

FrozenVent
May 1, 2009

The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Just an FYI op, McNally’s mom was in the mounted cav (it’s how we call it in GIP) and she had to deal with ants on the regular.

Something to think about.

pantslesswithwolves
Oct 27, 2008

Ba-dam ba-DUMMMMMM


What you need to do is sign up for a hayteen x-ray contract. This is basically the way the Army recruits for the Special Horses. Rumor has it the Neighvy is opening up its own pipeline that will allow you to go to BUDS (Basic Ungulate Demolition School). You’re probably not going to find much more information on that program here in Geldings in Platoons- most of us don’t think they’re fit to carry our jockey straps. No idea if the Mare Force has a similar structure.

In any event, good luck- I totally would have enlisted but I think I have a recurring case of synovitis.

Plastic_Gargoyle
Aug 3, 2007
Injection-Molded

McNally posted:

What the gently caress

Syrian Lannister
Aug 25, 2007

Oh, did I kill him too?
I've been a very busy little man.




Sugartime Jones

Comrade Blyatlov posted:

yes it will, sign open general contract


can you bugle?


pantslesswithwolves posted:

What you need to do is sign up for a hayteen x-ray contract. This is basically the way the Army recruits for the Special Horses. Rumor has it the Neighvy is opening up its own pipeline that will allow you to go to BUDS (Basic Ungulate Demolition School). You’re probably not going to find much more information on that program here in Geldings in Platoons- most of us don’t think they’re fit to carry our jockey straps. No idea if the Mare Force has a similar structure.

Both of these

Also

McNally posted:

What the gently caress

bird cooch
Jan 19, 2007


FrozenVent posted:

Just an FYI op, mom was mounted (it’s how we call it in GIP) and she had to deal with ants on the regular.

Something to think about.

Interesting

Mr. Nice!
Oct 13, 2005

c-spam cannot afford



Being a warhorse sounds great until you get the spurs.

Vincent Van Goatse
Nov 8, 2006

My "Not Vincent Price" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.




Smellrose

McNally posted:

What the gently caress

Deep cut gimmick account.

Jaguars!
Jul 31, 2012




Loden Taylor posted:

As a horse at a cav unit, it'll be your responsibility to do...whatever the hell this is:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ai9dDqDX7AA&t=10s




R O F L M A O


That is the shittiest looking uniform order I have ever seen bar none



Just awful



Business up top, field down the bottom, a vague sense of uncertainty everywhere

Mustang
Jun 18, 2006

:thunk:
Have you considered not attending the Captain's Career Course?
:thunk:


If you Ain't Cav you Ain't poo poo, hooah!

Loden Taylor posted:

As a horse at a cav unit, it'll be your responsibility to do...whatever the hell this is:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ai9dDqDX7AA&t=10s

I missed out on the true cav experience, I never got to see any horses or bands

Loden Taylor
Aug 11, 2003





Jaguars! posted:




R O F L M A O


That is the shittiest looking uniform order I have ever seen bar none



Just awful



Business up top, field down the bottom, a vague sense of uncertainty everywhere

I'd say it looks better these days with the new camo pattern, but I'd be lying.

Naked Bear
Apr 15, 2007

Boners was recorded before a studio audience that was alive!


HALFWAY DOWN THE TRAIL TO HELL

LtCol J. Krusinski
May 7, 2013


I bet this would be funnier to me if I was able to smoke pot, and then read it.

Nostalgia4Butts
Jun 1, 2006

WHERE MY HOSE DRINKERS AT



Milo and POTUS
Sep 3, 2017

I will not shut up about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I talk about them all the time and work them into every conversation I have. I built a shrine in my room for the yellow one who died because sadly no one noticed because she died around 9/11. Wanna see it?


FrozenVent posted:

Just an FYI op, McNally’s mom was in the mounted cav (it’s how we call it in GIP) and she had to deal with ants on the regular.

Something to think about.

Thought of ants and sighed

Zaurg But A Horse
Apr 14, 2019

Zaurg? Neigh!


Loden Taylor posted:

As a horse at a cav unit, it'll be your responsibility to do...whatever the hell this is:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ai9dDqDX7AA&t=10s

Wait a second... What are those people doing on the backs of the cavalry? Are they... are they riding the horses? Is that what my people are used for in Cavalry? I approve of the cart-pulling and see much potential for impressing the fillies with it, but would someone seriously be sitting on me?


quote:

Just an FYI op, McNally’s mom was in the mounted cav (it’s how we call it in GIP) and she had to deal with ants on the regular.



Is there a Navy Cavalry? I've heard that there are army ants, but I've never heard of navy ants. What if I serve on the high seas, pulling carts there? Though, probably fewer fillies out at sea, except for seahorses, and they're not my type. Though, at my age and with so few victorious moments, perhaps I should take what I can get, even the aquatic varieties?



quote:

yes it will, sign open general contract


can you bugle?



It's not the bugle, but perhaps my skills are transferable. The only song I know how to play, though, is this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=soD-YBsB6C8&t=9s

Does the Cavalry offer bugle lessons?


quote:

What you need to do is sign up for a hayteen x-ray contract. This is basically the way the Army recruits for the Special Horses. Rumor has it the Neighvy is opening up its own pipeline that will allow you to go to BUDS (Basic Ungulate Demolition School). You’re probably not going to find much more information on that program here in Geldings in Platoons- most of us don’t think they’re fit to carry our jockey straps. No idea if the Mare Force has a similar structure.

Ah good, now someone is speaking my language! I ruled out Special Horses because I figure I'm not fit enough, nor young enough, to make it through the training program. I've been focused on the Cavalry for obvious reasons, but I may need to take off the blinders and expand my options to other fields like, as you so kindly suggested, the Neighvy. I can get myself shipshape in no time.

OOH, the MARE FORCE. Is the gender breakdown as positive as it sounds? While I do of course seek to be all I can be, a good supply of sugar cubes, salt licks, and opportunities to mate with the best a stallion can get is hard to resist. A company sent me a razor when I turned eighteen, with a picture of some big black plane that reminded me of a scary crow on the cover of it. It told me to get the best I can get, but I've been shaving since I was about 3 months old, so they were a bit too late sending to me.

How long are the general contracts, by the way? I don't know much about them because I cannot read. With practice, I can possibly sign the contract with my hoof or perhaps use an inkstamp. My concern is whether the contracts are longer than my remaining life-span. I'd live to 30 under best of circumstances, and my cubicle ergonomics aren't ideal. Does the VA support horse detail in the case of injury? What is the Cavalry's stance on jello and/or glue?


quote:

What the gently caress

Fillies, sir. *practices his salute, accidentally twists his front ankle*

Oh dear, that may put a kink in my plans.

Comrade Blyatlov
Aug 4, 2007


should have picked four fingers







Calvary

McNally
Sep 12, 2007

Ask me about Proposition 305


Do you like muskets?



Jesus Christ.

Nostalgia4Butts
Jun 1, 2006

WHERE MY HOSE DRINKERS AT



hey soldier i got your new pt plan
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-50GjySwew

Naked Bear
Apr 15, 2007

Boners was recorded before a studio audience that was alive!


:stare:

Jaded Burnout
Jul 10, 2004




Zaurg But A Horse posted:

except for seahorses, and they're not my type. Though, at my age and with so few victorious moments, perhaps I should take what I can get, even the aquatic varieties?

Only if you're into pegging.

Zaurg But A Horse posted:

Oh dear, that may put a kink in my plans.

Oh, well, maybe you'll be alright then.

Fister Roboto
Feb 21, 2008



Buglord

Yes, but only with horse girls.

Comrade Blyatlov
Aug 4, 2007


should have picked four fingers







Zaurg, get a divorce.

SMEGMA_MAIL
May 4, 2018

Please link any accusations you feel I made without proof


You can taze other people’s balls for America now Zaurg :911:

Midjack
Dec 24, 2007





Hope this isn’t anybody you know, OP:


https://www-m.cnn.com/2019/10/26/us/horses-dead-hit-and-run-trnd/index.html

Arc Light
Sep 26, 2013





McNally posted:

Jesus Christ.



He's just planning ahead.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Comrade Blyatlov
Aug 4, 2007


should have picked four fingers







Comrade Blyatlov posted:

Zaurg, getta dihorse.

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • Post
  • Reply