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sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk


ink drips from a pen
a word was hiding in there
but it is gone now

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Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


the photo and ink

I'll Stop Tomorrow

Above the white roofs
I wrote a letter to you
Fading autumn leaves

lofi
Apr 2, 2018






I love how nearly everyone's gone 'up to five verses? bollocks to that, super-minimalism time!'

SlipUp
Sep 30, 2006


Prompt: Depth

The Deep

The shallows
Basking in the sun
I sink

Pressure builds
The light fades
I miss the sun

I breach the deep
I am not strong enough
I break

sephiRoth IRA
Jun 13, 2007

"Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan


Paging GenJoe to the thread (you got time, though)

GenJoe
Sep 14, 2010


1. depth

vast canyons dimples
she talks blood meridian
and I’m sawdust, swept

sephiRoth IRA
Jun 13, 2007

"Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan


Poem Dome INAUGURAL CHALLENGE: HAIKU

Excellent participation from everyone! Everyone stretched their poetry muscles and laid down some sick haiku action. I'm pleased with the entries and I hope you all found it a fun exercise. After much debate, your resident judges Weltlich and myself have come up with the results.

Your winner.... Armack - In my Grandfather’s Living Room!!!!! A wonderful, moving poem that stayed true to the philosophy of haiku.

Lofi earns an HM for what was a nice haiku paired with a beautiful presentation. I had Armack winning only by a hair because of the emotional impact of their poem.

Jon Joe eats a DM for an extremely pumpkin spice set of haikus.

Your loser.... Talusfood - Untitled. See me after class, Talusfood.

Armack, please get in touch for your forum upgrade or donation to charity (one of these makes you a better person, btw, but no pressure).

Also please post a new prompt (and choose a form, if you so desire) in the next 24 hours.


I will be aiding in judging this second round as well, since I'm still providing prizes, but if anyone is interested in guest judging future rounds, please PM me!

I will post more detailed crits momentarily.

sephiRoth IRA
Jun 13, 2007

"Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan


Saucy_Rodent - digging through old photo albums after the funeral (prompt: photo)
A poem about loss, and the transient quality of human life. I liked the first stanza, especially the repetition linking the second line to the third. Solid capture of a moment of aching, longing.
Second stanza is much weaker, imo, just because “artly statued smiles” doesn’t do if for me. I get where you were going, but it loses its lyrical qualities with that line. This could be tuned up into something very nice.
7/15

Elentor – Untitled (prompt: photo)
Not sure where you were going with this. Possibly a meta commentary on Epstein’s suicide? I kid. I think you touch on an interesting idea, asking questions about people who die who aren’t on the public radar (or even those who don’t merit a police investigation or have people who look for them). I’m not sure if that’s what you were going for, though. “Pixel hunt” is lost on me, and it seems really disconnected from the rest of the haiku.
6/15

Jon Joe – Depth Displayed (prompt: depth)
The live, laugh, love of haiku. The imagery on the whole is pretty meh. Structurally, I like the consonance between the “L-” words you use to start each stanza. It lends a musical quality to the whole poem. “Shaking of my body”, “moment of my life”, all of those are not impactful. Missed opportunity to come at me with more specific imagery really capturing a moment. As it is, I could see your poem on a plaque in a middle-class white lady’s house somewhere.
5/15 - DM

Lofi – Ink (prompt: ink)
Ugh, I am so torn on this one. The presentation is beautiful, a literal love poem to ink. As an art piece, it’s wonderful. I really liked it.
(FYI, in this next bit, I’m judging you extra harshly because of how pretty the setup was.)
In order to evaluate your poem, however, I wrote it out on paper, and I think it’s stronger with the image than without, which dings you a little bit. You wasted a word with “and” in the third line- you didn’t need a linker word, it was inefficient. That was one more word you could have used to make your love more impactful. All in all, a very nice haiku.
12/15 - HM

flerp – Untitled (prompt: depth)
Tidy, with layered depth references (as long as you know what lives at the bottom of the ocean). I liked your imagery, but the poem on the whole lacks a lyrical quality that makes a great haiku. “Below” is a wasted word, of course they’re below the surface, they’re anglerfish, the very name conveys extreme depth. “Up to the end” is clunky and vague. Even “their end” would have been better.
7/15

Talusfood – untitled (prompt: ink)
Whining about writing haikus in a haiku contest. Well excuuuuuuse me. You barely brought in your prompt, as while writing in ink does have its limitations you mentioned none of them in your poem. “Compressed” doesn’t really offset “prissy”, in my opinion, it would be very easy to me for something to be both compressed and prissy, so your “yet” doesn’t land. It’s an attempt to be funny, and executed better it would have been more successful.
4/15 - Loser

Armack - In my Grandfather’s Living Room (prompt: depth)
Very poignant. Minor grammatical quibbles are present, such as your second line being a fragment. It could have been connected to the first line, letting your last line land as its own, final payoff. I liked this poem a lot. The vagueness in the final line adds to its impact, imo, and definitely conveys depth.
13/15 - Winner

Meinberg – Puzzle Pieces (prompt: ink)
Your haiku exudes a “I’m too goddamn cool for this” vibe. Ironic mention of Ars Poetica? Check. Overdramatic language? Check. I think you could lose the second stanza and go in hard with the ironic detachment of your first haiku. Barely connected to the prompt, though.
6/15

steeltoedsneakers – Purple Prose (prompt: ink, depth)
Second stanza totally useless, as you’ve made your (imo effective) point with the first and third haikus. A capture of exposing yourself to criticism and wanting to stick with lighter inks to keep the feelings light and fluffy as well – the title plays well on multiple layers here. The first stanza could use some work, as “wet, jet black” just trails off and without knowing your prompt was ink I wouldn’t necessarily know you’re talking about pen color. I liked your last stanza.
7/15

Djeser – Delafield pond, summer (prompt: depth)
I like it. Articulation of a childhood fear juxtaposed with the depth of a body of water. I think the “algae deep of my fear” doesn’t quite land, using deep as a noun, nor does repetition of “down” in the second line. Second stanza was a solid output, although I could quibble about continuing the first line with a fragment into the second. In my opinion it just reads like you wanted to include “blue” in the first line and were constrained by format, but again, nit-picky.
11/15

Thranguy – Now (prompt: depth)
Ok, I get it, and if this was not a haiku contest, I might find your play on the decreasing line length interesting. As it is you are really stretching the form here. Your language is vague/nonsensical (“creation’s violent glow”, “between the extinct and exalted”, “quintillionth mausoleum”) and thus not impactful. The middle bit about the craps player is actually a funny/depressing little haiku, but largely unconnected to the prompt.
5/15

Antivehicular – From the Airport Observation Deck (prompt: photo)
There are parts of an interesting haiku here, spread across the three individual pieces, but as a whole I think the execution isn’t 100%. “Running errands” feels like it’s just extra words, you land your lines about traffic heedlessly running and that is enough. You focus on the city in one and three, but then diverge about the clouds in two, and I think it’s not needed. “Unfolded laundry on a kitchen table” is not a moving metaphor in this context (for me, there was some discussion among the judges). It could have a place in a different poem, but not this one. The transition of “city” to “host” is super clunky and I did not like it. That word space could have been used more effectively.
9/15

sebmojo – Untitled (prompt: ink? Probably?)
This was a good one, if a little boring. Traditional form, really efficient use of space. The fact that it is untitled also plays well with the content. It would be interesting to see a bit of elaboration.
9/15

Entenzahn – I’ll Stop Tomorrow (prompt: photo, ink)
Ehhhh, I dunno. Your “leaves” seem like an afterthought, pandering to the trend towards including natural images in haiku. Does it matter that the letter was written above the roofs? I think there’s a central theme that’s missing here.
5/15

SlipUp – The Deep (prompt: depth)
Your departure from form doesn’t actually do anything for your poem, here. You have a generic sort of “I’m sinking” theme but you fail to use evocative language or imagery. I think you could have developed this idea more effectively. Your lines “I miss the sun” is boring and “I breach the deep” is somewhat nonsensical in the context; when I think of “breach” I think of breaching the surface, as in going up.
6/15

GenJoe – Untitled (prompt: depth)
“Canyons dimples” makes NO sense and frustrates me. It’s like I’m reading a poem that’s been crammed through google translate a few times. The Cormac McCarthy reference is lost on me. You went too obscure for your own good.
6/15

Jon Joe
Oct 19, 2011


Grimey Drawer

Anyone know how to make plaques? I’m about to become rich.

Armack
Jan 27, 2006


Thanks for the crit, sephiRoth IRA. New prompt will be up within four hours of this posting.

lofi
Apr 2, 2018






Next time, Armack!

(Grats on the win )

Armack
Jan 27, 2006


Poem Dome, Week II: Ancient Epigraphs



The prompt:

1) Your poem this week needs to be prefaced with an epigraph. For your epigraph, you must use between 1-4 lines written by any specific, named, ancient poet. “Ancient” for the purposes of this prompt will mean the poet was born prior to 800 CE (a.k.a 800 AD). These lines must come from an English translation of some poem of theirs. Make sure to cite (or better yet link to if possible) your epigraph’s poem of origin.

2) Write a poem that lives up to the epigraph. The poem should stand on its own as a well-crafted work, but it should also be enhanced by its relation to the epigraph. You may write in any poetic form, including free verse. However, prose-poetry is excluded.

Line Limit: 40 (not including the epigraph)

Normal rules apply (see the OP).


Signup Deadline: Monday, Nov 25th @ 11:59PM PT

Submission Deadline: Wednesday, Nov 27th @ 11:59 PT


Q&A:

Does the ancient poem have to be complete?

- No, you could select 1-4 lines from an ancient fragment, as long as we know the poet’s name and all other prompt criteria are met.

What if it’s unknown exactly when the poet was born?

- That’s fine as long as you can show that its generally estimated that the poet was born prior to 800 CE.

Can we do our own original translation of the ancient poem from which we will quote our epigraph?

- Sure, if you’re competent to do that.

So for our epigraph, we can’t use lines from ancient poems in which the poet is anonymous?

- That is correct, yes, you may not.

Does ancient graffiti count as an ancient poem?

- Yes, but it would need to have been signed in order to use for your epigraph this week.

Judges:
Armack
sephiRoth IRA

Poets:
SlipUp
Saucy_Rodent
Thranguy
Weltlich
Antivehicular
flerp
GenJoe
sebmojo
Djeser
Jon Joe
Elentor
lofi
Meinberg

Armack fucked around with this message at 17:13 on Nov 22, 2019

SlipUp
Sep 30, 2006


in

sephiRoth IRA
Jun 13, 2007

"Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan


And you guys thought haikus were tough

Saucy_Rodent
Oct 24, 2018

I'm not a rat, I swear! If I'm any rodent, it's the loyal capybara -- king of the rats!

no, wait


In

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010


In

Weltlich
Feb 13, 2006

I won the 2018 Spooktober Story Contest and all I got was this lousy avatar.


Grimey Drawer

in

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give


Ultra Carp

In

Elentor
Dec 14, 2004








sephiRoth IRA posted:

Elentor – Untitled (prompt: photo)
Not sure where you were going with this. Possibly a meta commentary on Epstein’s suicide? I kid. I think you touch on an interesting idea, asking questions about people who die who aren’t on the public radar (or even those who don’t merit a police investigation or have people who look for them). I’m not sure if that’s what you were going for, though. “Pixel hunt” is lost on me, and it seems really disconnected from the rest of the haiku.
6/15

When I was a kid and lived in the slums a very traumatic memory I have is of the necklacing smell. I used to look down on the city below and the skyscrapers from a PoV similar to that photo and wonder about the lives of the people in the buildings. Someday I realized that no matter how clean it looked, there was still violence in it, it was just invisible from afar. This was around the time where games had a lot of pixel hunting in them (essentially looking for very small details) and I found that to be interesting, so what I tried to do is fantasize that if I played where's waldo enough with city pictures, I could find something, like a detective. Something no one else saw because they only saw it for a city picture.

I never found anything, but whenever there are reports nowadays of people finding something on Google Maps, part of me feels, in a strange way, vindicated.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

CAPITALIST PIG
CRAVES ONLY THE BEST POETS
HIS WRATH WILL BE HARSH


in

GenJoe
Sep 14, 2010


in

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk


In

sephiRoth IRA
Jun 13, 2007

"Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan


Elentor posted:

When I was a kid and lived in the slums a very traumatic memory I have is of the necklacing smell. I used to look down on the city below and the skyscrapers from a PoV similar to that photo and wonder about the lives of the people in the buildings. Someday I realized that no matter how clean it looked, there was still violence in it, it was just invisible from afar. This was around the time where games had a lot of pixel hunting in them (essentially looking for very small details) and I found that to be interesting, so what I tried to do is fantasize that if I played where's waldo enough with city pictures, I could find something, like a detective. Something no one else saw because they only saw it for a city picture.

I never found anything, but whenever there are reports nowadays of people finding something on Google Maps, part of me feels, in a strange way, vindicated.

That’s an interesting thought. Parts of that idea clearly came through in your poem. I think it just needed a bit of touching up. One issue that I have is that I’ll use an obscure phrase and it’ll disrupt my poem’s impact because people don’t get it.

I’m not saying that no one understood pixel hunt, and I understood what the definition was, but failed to see how it connected to the rest of the work.

Elentor
Dec 14, 2004








Yeah that's fair, thanks for the C&C.

sephiRoth IRA
Jun 13, 2007

"Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan


Elentor posted:

Yeah that's fair, thanks for the C&C.

Did you get in on Amracks prompt? You should!

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



in

Jon Joe
Oct 19, 2011


Grimey Drawer

In

Elentor
Dec 14, 2004








Alright, I'm in.

lofi
Apr 2, 2018






In. Any advice for where to start looking for ancient pomes?

Meinberg
Oct 9, 2011


in

Armack
Jan 27, 2006


lofi posted:

In. Any advice for where to start looking for ancient poems?

Sure, one way to do it would be to winnow the search down by region, then by poet, then by poem. Do you want to explore ancient Chinese poetry? Roman, Greek, Arabic, Hebrew, Egyptian, Phoenician...? Having picked a general area, you can then search for "ancient poets of [country/region/language group]." You'll come across some names. Check their supposed dates of birth to make sure they qualify as ancient. Then you can pick among the names, do a search for their poetry, find some 1-4 line tract in their work that speaks to you, and use that as your epigraph.

Armack fucked around with this message at 15:44 on Nov 22, 2019

sephiRoth IRA
Jun 13, 2007

"Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan


Here’s a few choice quotes from Sappho, a Greek poet who I find particularly hilarious. Inspiration for those still looking for a poet!

“Sappho, Charaxos and Larichos” posted:

As for Larichos,
that lay-a-bed lives for the pillow. If for once
he’d get off his rear end, he might make something of himself.
Then from that reeking sewer of my life
I might haul up a bucket of spring water.

”Sappho, fragment” posted:


Death is an evil.
That’s what the gods think.
Or they would die.

There’s some amazing loving stuff out there buried in lesser known works.

lofi
Apr 2, 2018






What I'm getting from reading Sappho is that she really needed to get laid.

lofi fucked around with this message at 20:23 on Nov 22, 2019

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk


this is mine, from Hesiod's Theogeny:

Now Pegasus flew away and left the earth, the mother of flocks, and came to the deathless gods: and he dwells in the house of Zeus and brings to wise Zeus the thunder and lightning.

Armack
Jan 27, 2006


Less than 24 hours before signups close. Get in there if you aren't already, folks.

Armack
Jan 27, 2006


Signups closed. Good luck, poets.

lofi
Apr 2, 2018






Bath Bomb

"You may forget but let me tell you this:
someone in some future time will think of us."
-Sappho


Filthy midwinter evening
Gnaws at the double glazing.
I'm laying in steaming water
Watching my bath bomb fizz,
Trying to word this poem
About what we've done to the world
And what I'd say to the future.
I'm not sure they'd care
For an addicts' justifications
And I'm not sure what I could say
Except:
Sorry about all the fire.
(It spoiled my bath too.)

Saucy_Rodent
Oct 24, 2018

I'm not a rat, I swear! If I'm any rodent, it's the loyal capybara -- king of the rats!

no, wait


Bitch you stole my excerpt

lofi
Apr 2, 2018






"You snooze
you lose
biatch"
- Sappho

I mean, if you don't mind slapping your massive lack of originality out on the desk for everyone to see, I guess there's nothing stopping you using the same bit as me.

Just make sure to credit me in your 'poem'.

lofi fucked around with this message at 21:51 on Nov 26, 2019

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sephiRoth IRA
Jun 13, 2007

"Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan


Do I smell our first poem dome brawl? I’ll give you a prompt and judge if you’re looking for blood

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