Machetes!

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DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

I've been going back through the archive.

1. I listened to the whole L. Ron Hubbard saga and I think that the song at the end of the last part about his death is probably one of the finest comedic moments this podcast will ever have, it's just so loving perfect.

2. lol at the guest during the Bin Laden episode who immediately knew what Bible Black was.

3. Robert, have you ever heard from advertisers about your lead-ins to the ads? I love them but I just imagine some Geico marketing dude listening and hearing "...but you know who won't molest hundreds of children?" before their ad and sending out a frantic email to the lovely people at I Heart Podcasts Co

# ¿ May 7, 2020 00:24

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# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 05:10

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

Suggestion for a new slogan for BtB:

Behind the Bastards: Come for the cult leaders and fascist dictators, stay for the fake doctors!

Seriously, so many fake doctors. And ironically, one of the few real doctors had to put aside his doctorly training to become a dictator and massacre thousands of his own citizens.

# ¿ May 22, 2020 10:59

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

MonsieurChoc posted:

Papa Doc?

Actual eye doctor and every awful leftists� favorite dictator Bashar al-Assad.

# ¿ May 22, 2020 20:46

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

Chairman Capone posted:

Hastings Banda, first president of Malawi, was also a medical doctor.

he does not appear to have committed a massacre, he was stuck on the "murder political enemies" and "establish diplomatic relationships with apartheid states" of terrible leadership.

Naturally, the Reagan-era USA was a big fan.

# ¿ May 22, 2020 22:19

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

I think the Unabomber would make a fascinating episode, as well as the idea of going postal. Those both have modern relevancies (technology and labor, respectively) and would be fairly entertaining

# ¿ Jun 6, 2020 07:57

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

add another awkward ad to the pile: I'm from Iowa and just got one attacking the woman running against Joni Ernst for senate

not Raytheon or the Koch Brothers, but close!

# ¿ Jun 10, 2020 09:54

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

just do a "The Bastards of Something Awful". Lowtax, Caro, Helldump, make a brief mention of Aatrek (but don't do an entire episode on him because that would be a bummer)

honestly it's not quite the realm of BtB but there should be an Old Internet Lore podcast that deals with stuff like this.

# ¿ Jun 28, 2020 23:06

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

I�ve seen that theory in CSPAM too, it�s kinda weird but having both one of the breeding grounds for the alt right movement and a CIA front originate on SA would be pretty hilarious

who knows, maybe Lowtax�s next strategy for blaming other people for his lovely actions will be to claim that his exes are Russian agents

# ¿ Jul 28, 2020 05:03

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

Testekill posted:

The first ad for me is almost always Robert trying to sell me ExpressVPN.

I get the ad where Robert is pitching a service that allows you to text your therapist as many times as you want, which seems like a really bad deal for the therapists, and maybe not the most healthy thing

# ¿ Aug 17, 2020 21:26

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

AFewBricksShy posted:

Hearing the Phyllis Schafly episode, it makes me wonder: if you took one person out of the timeline "Looper" style, who would it be to fix the poo poo show we are in right now?

Thomas Midgley would probably be on the list for the environmental devastation (and the lead poisoning boomer brains). Schafly's got to be on the list for politics.

I thought about this question a lot the other night and despite my temptation to say Ronald Reagan or Sirhan Sirhan (a living RFK probably would have embarrassed Nixon a second time and gave less of a platform to his sort of conservatism that paved the way for Reagan), I think the real best answer would probably be Andrew Johnson, who hosed up the post-Civil War era by completely bowing to the south and making the government lose credibility by being hilariously corrupt. I also thought about John Wilkes Booth but that was a whole plan with a committee trying to kill Lincoln, someone probably would have got him sooner or later.

# ¿ Sep 8, 2020 07:17

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

I�m listening to the first part of the Golden Age of Terrorism and I have not laughed this hard at a podcast in a long time. Who knew that taking command of an airplane through threat of being shot in the face would be so light and hilarious?

# ¿ Sep 25, 2020 07:37

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

Weird question: I always listen to Behind the Bastards but don�t always listen to Worst Year Ever. Tonight I started up the latest episode of WYE and in the first two ad segments I�ve heard 3 ads for hospice services (the second time it was just the same ad twice). I know that the ads are targeted based on the local election ads I�ve heard in the past, and literally yesterday my mom emailed me and my sister about starting to talk about hospice care for my dad. Is this a really weird coincidence that just happened because BtB and WYE have different ad sets and I don�t listen often to the latter or am I gonna have to go turn off some �please take all my private information� settings on my phone?

# ¿ Oct 8, 2020 05:46

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

just got to cite Behind the Police in a paper for my American Public Policy paper about police reform

it's some good rear end work

edit: the podcast, not my paper, that sucked I wrote it in like 2 hours

# ¿ Oct 10, 2020 00:34

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

If you haven�t had your fill of talk about the satanic panic, the book We Believe the Children has a little more about what was going on outside of California and does a good job tying the panic to the larger cultural shift towards conservatism happening at the time (which, because they facilitated working women, daycares were a common target of)

Also I don�t think it would quite warrant a Behind the Bastards because it�s super sketch but the case that got me interested in reading about these cases is the Boys Town orphanage in Omaha, and one Larry King (not that Larry King though). I think the most believable part of that one, and why it felt plausible to me in a way that others didn�t, is because it reframed it as a Republican child trafficking ring, up to and including at least one Bush White House. Although I think time and QAnon�s rise has made me realize that targeting political opponents with wild, evidence-light claims of trafficking are bad, especially when there are plenty of politicians where there are actual evidence of potential misconduct (Trump, Clinton, etc)

# ¿ Oct 29, 2020 18:57

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

Between �choking to death on bird piss� and the description of how the sea lion/seal oil trade worked I think this episode has the most nausea-inducing moments of any BtB

# ¿ Nov 18, 2020 11:31

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

I just heard Robert�s ad read for WoW for the first time and it sounded like he was using that patronizing tone cool kids use right before they say �PSYCH! You fuckin� nerds WoW sucks� before giving them all wedgies

# ¿ Dec 3, 2020 10:26

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

GunFondler42069 posted:

that actually bums me out. i had a hard time figuring out how to read the ad but I actually love WoW, it was a big part of my childhood and i'm happy to push it.

lol I think it's just that I haven't heard that effusive praise of WoW in a long time without it being sarcastic, it's nothing about you specifically

GunFondler42069 posted:

1. I like the team I work with at iHeart (esp sophie)

Sophie really does put your show over the top. As I was going through your backlog, you can hear her chiming in more often as time goes on. it makes for a lot of really fun moments and it's very clear that the two of you enjoy working together.

# ¿ Dec 4, 2020 04:59

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

DivineCoffeeBinge posted:

Robert, have you thought about doing episodes in a reverse format, where the guest comes in and tells you about a bastard? It seems to me that if you did, like, two of those a year it'd be A) an occasional break for you when things like 'I need to go cover protests' happens, B) an occasional treat for your listeners, and C) a great way for you to get into bastards that might not fit your usual range of interests. I'd love to hear an episode on Walter Breen, for instance, because the utter bastardy that early SF/Fantasy fandom was shot through with is something a lot of people don't know about, but I have no idea if that's a topic you'd want to research - but if you get someone else to research it, well...

the Focus on the Family episodes were like this, ~~Robert 2.0~~Garrison was the host and it was a fun change of pace

# ¿ Dec 5, 2020 01:53

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

https://twitter.com/newyorker/status/1355361138398154755?s=21

I never saw this posted in here when it was written last March but the New Yorker wrote an article about All-Star Bastards guest Jamie Loftus and her adventures in MENSA

# ¿ Jan 30, 2021 21:57

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

GunFondler42069 posted:

thanks everybody

it's going to suck, obviously, but we're not in the worst position. my parents are teachers so my mom has healthcare. they are financially stable. so at least we're not dealing with bankruptcy and death

I'm glad you won't have to worry about that. I hope this it goes as easily as this very hard thing can go.

# ¿ Feb 2, 2021 23:44

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

We goons should crowdsource an episode about the bastards of Something Awful to fill time. Everyone on the forums still can record one word of the script, it�ll be ~~terrifying~~ wonderful

# ¿ Feb 3, 2021 01:18

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

They should make a Dead Poets Society spoof about this teacher who accidentally fash-ed a whole town�s youths

Starring Paul Rudd as the teacher. He�s got the perfect teacher-who-kids-like vibe who would also be dumb enough to keep going after that first day and blithely think he was doing great work instead of loving up a bunch of teenagers

edit: I looked at the list of media adaptations and I�m not sure what�s weirder: the episode of Arthur taking inspiration from this experiment or the Sweet Valley Twins book where a substitute teacher does something like this.

DC Murderverse fucked around with this message at 07:53 on Feb 21, 2021

# ¿ Feb 21, 2021 07:47

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

Honestly SA probably contributed to me not falling down that hole, especially considering I stayed out of the Chans. I definitely remember being introduced to that friend-zone/ladder theory stuff that I inherently bought into as a dumb 14 year old but there was a thread on SA that laid out very clearly why that sort of thing is dumb. It�s like the 4 months where I was interested in hearing more about what Ron Paul had to say before being informed of everything Ron Paul had to say

# ¿ Feb 26, 2021 03:07

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

Bust Rodd posted:

PFT is one of those guys where I was like �I kinda liked him in that show, he seems cool� and then you look up his IMDB and it�s like �oh you�ve actually low key formatively shaped my entire generations sense of humor�

Yeah there�s not like one thing I associate with him but he�s like this benevolent spirit of LA comedy who seems to know everyone and everything. I bet he�s been on more different podcasts or tv shows than anyone else and when he arrives at your show it�s a sign that you�re on the right path

To the point where he appeared on one of my very favorite shows playing an exaggerated version of himself who was kinda sinister by way of being excessively pleasant. (Everyone go watch You�re The Worst, it sounds like it would be about Rush Limbaugh based on the title but it�s much funnier and less soul-crushing)

# ¿ Mar 10, 2021 11:46

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

A related tweet

https://twitter.com/pftompkins/status/1370567051677339654?s=21

My first thought was �wait why doesn�t PFT have a blue check� and then �oh man did he get rid of his blue check to make this joke that�s baller� and then I learned he renounced his blue check for an unrelated reason but it�s still a good tweet

Kinda like the opposite of that Roger Ebert review where he calls upon his status as a Pulitzer-winner to turn Rob Schneider into a smoking crater for making Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo

# ¿ Mar 13, 2021 07:54

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

lonelylikezoidberg posted:

It always seemed hosed up and unfair to me that hitler got a mustache named after him but stalin did not.

It�s because the toothbrush stache is bad and deserves to be remembered as the official facial hair of the nazi regime while Stalin�s mustache is quite possibly his most redeeming feature (note: still definitely not enough to overcome all the death he caused)

Charlie Chaplin was a mostly good man with a few flaws, one of which was bad taste in mustaches

Edit: I�m just now listening to Tuesday�s episode and I think �anti-Semitic hate group burning the novelization of Schindler�s List� is one of the dumbest thing I�ve ever heard

DC Murderverse fucked around with this message at 10:21 on Mar 18, 2021

# ¿ Mar 17, 2021 22:07

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

Anyone who wants to see a con-man movie that isn�t Catch Me If You Can (which is a great movie but always gets recommended for movies about con-men) should check out I Love You Phillip Morris, one of my favorite Jim Carrey movies. It�s based on a true story about a man who discovers that he loves cons, goes to jail, discovers that he loves a fellow prisoner and then just keeps pulling cons and prison escapes for love. They buried it because it was too gay for 2010 despite starring both Carrey and Ewan McGregor, but it�s a fun black comedy with some great performances.

https://youtu.be/wzWB9KHgaiE

# ¿ Mar 31, 2021 09:38

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

The quack doctor episodes are always the funniest

Gonna start shoving fire hoses into people�s colons and calling it rational

# ¿ Apr 7, 2021 09:12

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

I�m sorry for your loss Robert, losing family sucks, I hope you stay well during this time.

# ¿ Apr 10, 2021 08:32

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

I�m glad to know that I�m not the only one who hopes that LeBron James runs for president after he retires from playing ball

# ¿ Apr 15, 2021 07:54

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

bobjr posted:

The Michael Jordan story I always heard was his year off Basketball to play baseball was a stealth ban because of his gambling.

This is a great opportunity to post one of my all-time favorite SA threads.

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3547828&perpage=40&noseen=1

A sampling of the wonderful content within:

C. Everett Koop posted:

Well, here's one that never fails to blow everyone's mind when it gets told. I'm sure I'm not the first to put it out there either, but if you've ever wondered the lengths Michael Jordan would go to humiliate someone and prove that he was the best, here's one small step down that path.

Before his second and final season with the Wizard, Jordan was pitched an ad idea by Gatorade that had him playing a younger version of himself, which Jordan signed off on. The spot, entitled 23 vs. 39 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RL6pYmybB9Y), was a technological marvel at the time, using face-mapping technology to make a younger Jordan for the current MJ to ball again. The face wasn't the hard part, it was finding the rest of the body. They needed a 6'-6" black male, slender build with some muscle, who could play basketball to a respectable degree but wasn't already in the league or in college (even with the different face the NCAA wouldn't allow an athlete of theirs in a commercial unless they were the ones profiting off of it), and who would be available to shoot a commercial around Jordan's schedule.

In the end they found Kevin "Special K" Daley, who had played for Azusa Pacific University and was kicking around the lower levels. Daley was brought in, made up, and went through several of Jordan's dunks to serve as B-roll and a test for the cameras and lights. As Daley dunked, Jordan and Grover, along with a small entourage for Jordan, entered the gym. Jordan saw a guy wearing his jersey, doing his dunks, and was not happy.

However, he was professional at first, and they shot the staredown stuff, then a couple of staged baskets. The director wanted the two to be even, so he had older Jordan make a play, followed by the younger one. Wanting to use nat sound, he encouraged some mild trash talk, and after Daley made his scripted shot and mildly taunted Jordan, that flipped the switch. Jordan grabbed the ball, slammed it down on the court, and said they were playing one-on-one for real. And keeping score.

Everyone panicked. The director said that the cameras had to be moved for each planned shot, Jordan told him to move them after each game. His entourage called David Falk, who basically gave Jordan carte blanche to do what he wanted. The Gatorade execs were concerned about Jordan hurting himself but they weren't about to say no. And Daley was going to get a chance to go one-on-one with his idol from him growing up.

He shouldn't have. Once the games started, Jordan beat the living poo poo out of this kid. Daley went to drive, the bigger Jordan physically bullied and bumped him, hacking away whenever Daley tried to take a weak jumper. Daley tried to get an outside game going, but Jordan called him a coward and physically bodied up on him. On offense, Jordan did whatever he wanted as Daley bit on every fake and Jordan played him like a fiddle. And talked trash. Oh did he ever talk trash.

Jordan was already known for being one of the best trash talkers in the game, but surrounded by cameras, mics, and high rollers in expensive courtside seats, he kept it mostly PG-13. But in a closed environment with someone he felt was disrespecting him (of course Jordan did), he unloaded on Daley with both barrels and kept it up. Crew members, who are no strangers to salty language, said it was a verbal beatdown they had never seen before. Every other word out of Jordan's mouth was either "motherfucker" or "human being", and Jordan never let up.

They played about six or seven games and Jordan easily won them all, Daley scoring maybe six or seven points total and getting shutout several times. As they moved the cameras, Jordan would ask questions of Daley, only to insult and curse him out upon hearing the answer. After Daley stopped responding, Jordan increased the heat even more. Towards the end, he tried to rip the Bulls jersey off of Daley's back, saying that Daley didn't deserve to be wearing it. No one dared to do anything lest Michael's steroid-enhanced wrath be directed towards them. Finally, once the director said he had all the shots he needed, Jordan grabbed the ball, autographed it, and then threw it to the other end of the gym, screaming at Daley to go chase it down and get the gently caress out of his motherfucking gym.

The problem was that they weren't done. The director had all the action shots he needed, but they still needed to do the sitdown at the end where the UNC Jordan showed up. Jordan iced down courtside, still steaming, still letting everyone know who was king. When it was time to shoot, Jordan plopped into his seat, but no one could find Daley. It took them 15 minutes before they found Daley sobbing in his car and brought him in to shoot the final scene. Daley sat down, the lights went on, Jordan flashed that charm, the director yelled cut, and Jordan told Daley to get the gently caress out of his gym again, which Daley did.

The good news is that Daley wasn't permanently scared off of basketball; he's been with the Globetrotters since '04. Gatorade, however, destroyed most of the footage and has only used videotape of Jordan for their promotions since.

DC Murderverse fucked around with this message at 02:52 on Apr 16, 2021

# ¿ Apr 16, 2021 02:37

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

I highly encourage reading the whole thread to get the full story

# ¿ Apr 16, 2021 03:47

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

Here�s the OP to that thread:

Oceanlife posted:

Welcome to the Michael Jordan Steroid Discussion Thread

This thread exists to help facilitate mature and reasonable discussion on what is often a controversial issue. In the past decade questions have been raised from multiple sources about the legitimacy of Jordans physique. Did the ultra competitive Jordan use steroids, HGH or testosterone enhancement to get an advantage? Under the tight media control of David Stern the NBA avoided the performance enhancing drug scandals that plagued Major League Baseball, Football and even cycling; all the while maintaining the weakest testing policy in professional sports. Many people simply asked why the NBA was so scared to test their top athletes if they had nothing to hide, but these questions were ignored.

Now even though many sports heroes from the 1990's like Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire as well as current NBA players like Hedo Turkoglu have admitted to using steroids, that does not necessary mean Michael Jordan abused them as well. This is not a witch hunt, merely a discussion. In this thread we will provide evidence to help the posters reach their own conclusions as to whether Michael Jordan indeed used steroids to help him compete at the highest level.

Michael Jordan's Alleged Descent into Steroid Use:

Michael Jordan was always an elite athlete from his days at UNC and like many basketball players of the era like Dr J and Connie Hawkisn he possessed a strong but slim frame that was considered ideal for a basketball player:

Take notice of the normal sized head, full hairline, and slim arms.

After a championship at UNC and college player of the year honors Michael Jordan dropped out of school to pursue a career in the NBA. He started off his first year very strongly, averaging 28.2 points and winning rookie of the year honors. Within three years he was the leading scorer in the NBA and averaging over 37 points per game. Billboards adorned his name, he received the first ultra lucrative show deal for his Air Jordan sponsorship and was one of the most recognizable basketball players in the world. Then, his career stalled.

Despite his high scoring and crowd pleasing dunks Michael Jordan was not a champion. Larry Bird and Magic Johnson were in the finals almost every year and considered the #1 and #2 players by knowledgeable fans. This was a constant frustration to Jordan who wanted to be the best. As Bird and Johnson got older Michael Jordan (MJ) knew it was his chance to shine. Except one thing stood in his way: the toughest most physical team in the NBA, the Detroit Pistons.

NBA Champion Detroit Pistons

Contrasting to Michael's "Me first" style the Pistons played the game the right way. They passed to the open man, hustled for loose balls, and played solid defense. But above all else they were physically the strongest team in league history. This made them the most dangerous team in the NBA and they won the Eastern Conference almost every year and two Championships. Their biggest strength was also Michael's greatest enemy, a passing and scoring wizard named Isiah Thomas.

NBA's two top guards show mutual respect before a playoff game

Isiah Thomas hated Jordan's selfish style of play. When Jordan was a rookie Isiah tried to impress the need for team play on the ball hogging young Jordan by passing to the other All Stars. This infuriated Jordan who swore revenge in the post season. However every year in the play offs the Pistons proved too strong for the Bulls to overcome. High flying basketball may win games in the regular season but playoff basketball in the 80's was known for strength and physical play. After years of losing, Jordan enlisted the help of controversial trainer Tim Grover in 1989 who immediately told Jordan he needed to bulk up if he wanted to survive a series with the Pistons. Jordan listened.

Secretive Athletic Trainer and Founder of "Attack Athletics" Tim Grover

This is when we believe Jordan was introduced to steroids. As he said to Sports Illustrated that summer:

Jordan "made it happen" and worked out extremely hard that off season. Hitting the weights everyday, guided by Tim Grover and boosted by his new cocktail of performance enhancing drugs. He entered the season much bulkier, looking more like a power forward than a perimeter player. It's then we start seeing the first effects of steroid use: Hair loss.

Jordan experiencing rapid hair loss after first summer of alleged steroid use

Fellow players were shocked when they saw Jordan who at 27 completely changed his body from the first 26 years of his life. Some claim this was just from a new training regiment while others feel this is the most stunning proof of performance enhancement. Whatever Jordan did worked, and his new strength made him impossible to defend. Combined with the emergence of the Chicago Bulls role players Jordan won three straight tainted championships from 91-93. However, steroids were slowly changing Jordan as a person. He began fighting with team mates, saying profanities on the basketball court in front of young fans and developed a crippling gambling addiction that likely stemmed from the same addictive personality disorder that led him to steroid abuse. This is known in gym circles as typical "roid rage" and was documented in the best selling novel, The Jordan Rules.

Then came the next chapter of his life, he suddenly retired and played baseball. This also put him into one of the most steroid infused club houses in professional sports, the Chicago White Sox farm system.

Jordan batting .202 for the Birmingham Barons during the hayday of Baseball's steroid era

It was here that the student became the teacher. Surrounded by minor league players who were desperate to succeed, Jordan introduced them to Tim Grover's advanced steroid cycles. Players like Chris Snopek, Matt Karchner, Steve Gajkowski, Chris Tremie, Doug Brady and Larry Thomas all took Jordan's lessons seriously and were able to make it to the Major Leagues a few years later. Karchner in particular became Jordan's apostle for many years, spreading steroid secrets to the Chicago Cubs. Having a crisis of conscience he later exposed steroids in the locker room, though he protected Jordan

Unable to make it in the majors and two years removed from making an NBA income, Jordan decided to return to the NBA for one last run.

Now bald and noticeably bulkier Michael Jordan upon returning to the NBA in 1996

Jordan returned for the end of the 1995 season and realized his team had changed. They were still good, but they weren't strong enough to win a championship. They were eliminated in the playoffs and that summer Jordan vowed to not let it happen again. For the first time he was going to reveal his training secrets to two select teammates: Scottie Pippen and Dennis Rodman.

Pippen and Rodman were two very thin but very active and athletic players prior to the 1996 season. Notice their physiques prior to training with Michael Jordan

Jordan had one rule for his two young disciples: Win at all costs. He had seen how his training had turned mediocre minor league players into legitimate MLB starters and he knew if he used it on players as talented as Pippen and Rodman they would be unstoppable. Training began that summer and in 1996 Jordan had two super star teammates with bodies that were now cut from steroid infused granite.

Noticeably more muscular Rodman and Pippen

And so began the NBA Bulls 72-10 NBA Championship season. After winning three more championships Jordan retired for a second time. But Pippen and Rodman were both different people. Under the influence of steroids Pippen would instigate fights and became so self centered and narcissistic that he wouldn't even tip his waiters, becoming known as "no tippin Pippen". Rodman was in countless fights with Karl Malone and even kicked an innocent cameraman during a game. Jordan won his second threepeat but at what cost?

I wish this was the end of the story, but there is one more chapter in MJ's cycle of steroid abuse: The Washington Wizards

An older MJ showing puffy muscle definition caused by retained water after a heavy steroid cycle

Jordan needed a training partner to prepare for the season and was introduced to Ron Artest. Ron at the time was a young rookie who wasn't even old enough to legally drink. But he was tough and provided the enthusiasm Jordan required. Sadly, Jordan's influence rubbed off on Artest.

Ron Artest as a young rookie

Ron Artest after training with Michael Jordan

Ron Artest wasn't mentally prepared for the heavy cycles Jordan introduced him to. This backfired in a way MJ never expected when in a fit of roid rage Ron Artest broke two of Jordan's ribs. Artest later went on to attack a fan during a basketball game in an event known as "Malice in the Palace". That's the risk with introducing steroid to a young person, you never know how they are going to react.

During his time with the Wizards only one player resisted Jordan's controversial methods, a young #1 pick named Kwame Brown. This infuriated Jordan to the point he would use sexually explicit and degrading language towards the 18 year old Brown causing psychological damage that prevented him from becoming the Next Garnett he was projected to be. Eventually even steroids were not enough to keep MJ's game effective at an NBA level. His shooting percentage was falling to almost below .400 and he had to beg Vince Carter to let him start in his last all star game. He was clearly finished. And after failing to make the playoffs for two straight seasons Michael Jordan retired for good, leaving behind a tainted legacy.

Conclusion: Remember this thread is for mature discussion. If anyone has additional evidence of Jordan using steroids or first or second hand accounts please post them in this thread. The sanctity of the game is paramount. Even though many of us idolized Jordan as naive youths, we owe it to the future generations to know the truth about the player sometimes referred to as the greatest of all time.

the stories in this thread are mostly not real, including all of C. Everett Koop�s. They�re really well done and all of the background about Michael Jordan being an rear end in a top hat degenerate gambler who constantly yelled at his teammates are all true, which helps sell the stories, because they�re all very believable. I mean, the man attempted to rehabilitate the Hitler-stache, he obviously has a massive ego.

Except for �Shoot it, you loving midget.� Even if it didn�t happen, that story is 1000% true.

# ¿ Apr 17, 2021 02:31

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

I think Robert Evans might be the only person I�ve ever heard in any media talk about kratom. Which is probably good because if dumb people paid any real attention to it I�m sure it would be precursor to regulating it or banning it. Which would not be good.

# ¿ Apr 20, 2021 07:06

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

It�s insane to me that people take that poo poo as a tea or Kleenex bomb, it tastes awful. I bought a $15 capsule machine that I have not had to replace once and it�s the best $15 I ever spent

# ¿ Apr 20, 2021 07:45

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

Bust Rodd posted:

I�ve never been able to figure out why I would take Kratom instead of like 6 other drugs, many of which are also naturally occurring flora. Happy it makes people happy, I did it like 3-4 times and was like �whoa ok hippies like this? Yikes!� but I get why it might appeal to certain peeps.

I�ll give you the cliffs notes version of my story but I was on the precipice of actively seeking out harder things but I was (and remain) a big wuss who doesn�t know where to get illegal things, and kratom was the thing I could order with a credit card over the internet without having to get involved with cryptocurrency (this was like 2013 when truly the only thing Bitcoin was good for was drugs, money laundering and magic cards). Then I started taking it and realized that it regulated my mood and stopped me from looking for anything harder. It�s a combination of ease, relative legality and how it affects me.

Ironically, if I had sucked it up and tried to buy opiates online there�s a 20% chance I�d be rich from crypto and a 20% chance that I�d be dead from the opiates. I think I made the right call.

Edit: also I started listening to My Momma Told Me after Langston Kerman was on and it�s a good listen if you�re interested in conspiracy theories. It doesn�t always stay perfectly on topic but it�s always good conversation and some of these theories I�ve never heard before!

DC Murderverse fucked around with this message at 08:23 on Apr 20, 2021

# ¿ Apr 20, 2021 08:20

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

Chairman Capone posted:

Yeah, I've never listened to Chapo or Cum Town or any of those and Blowback was still great. I mean, it's a straightforward limited-series history of the Iraq War. I guess one of the hosts of Blowback is on Chapo as far as I know but I promise, you can even be uncertain of that, as I am, and still enjoy Blowback. Looking forward to their new season on the Cuban Missile Crisis, too.

I�m curious how this is gonna stack up to the new season of Slow Burn, which is also about the Iraq War.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2021 04:16

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

rotinaj posted:

Seriously how many gallons of yogurt did that dude go through, they must have had cows on premises making milk constantly

Absolutely not, if you let people watch how cows are killed they might start to get ideas and we can�t have that

# ¿ Apr 25, 2021 01:32

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

rotinaj posted:

Do...

Do you think milk comes from dead cows?

Lol autocorrect did me no favors there. I meant �milked�, not �killed�.

# ¿ Apr 25, 2021 01:46

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# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 05:10

DC Murderverse: Nov 10, 2016; "Tell that to Zod's snapped neck!"

Robert has been using �pilled� both ironically and unironically for a minute

# ¿ Nov 18, 2021 23:48

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Rapidly Going Deaf > Machetes!

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