Post Something Funny/Weird And I'll Read It

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Post Something Funny/Weird And I'll Read It

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

I've done this a few times, same as I've done nuke threads and avatar gimmick threads. But I enjoy it so let's have another round. Anyway here's how this works:

:siren:

If you post something funny, interesting, amusing, etc, I'll record myself reading it and post it. :siren:

A couple rules, please:

1. Please keep in mind that I only got so much godamn patience. I'm not gonna spend an hour recording some insane fanfic you posted.
2. If it's some shock bullshit full of super gross stuff I'm not gonna do it. I've made attempts at these before and I didn't make it all the way through and said gently caress it and stopped.
3. I am definitely looking for meltdowns, particularly funny catchphrases, and posts/short rants that give a brief glimpse into the minds of the terminally online.
4. Above all else, if I think your submission is just too loving disgusting or submitted for edgelord shock value alone I'm not gonna do it. This is entirely a matter of my own discretion. Yes I've done/attempted to do some gross poo poo in the past, that doesn't mean I'm gonna read your stupid shocktext.

For anybody unfamiliar with this particular gimmick thread here's everything I've done so far: https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/tracks

Honky Dong Country fucked around with this message at 08:45 on Dec 5, 2019

# ? Dec 5, 2019 06:21

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 26, 2024 16:48

Mozi: Apr 4, 2004; Forms change so fast
Time is moving past
Memory is smoke
Gonna get wider when I die; Nap Ghost

butts

# ? Dec 5, 2019 06:23

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

Mozi posted:

butts

I lol'd

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/butts

# ? Dec 5, 2019 06:25

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

A banned moron called trendwhore posted:

Lol, you reap what you sow, Lowtax. I've watched you change over the years from PlanetQuake days, and we used to be buddies on ICQ. Then you started getting all cocky and arrogant, and burned just about every bridge you've had in your life and told a lot of us to go gently caress ourselves when we've tried to help you for a long loving time.

You've consistently made a lot of lovely choices over the years with all of these women who've been in your life, how you run your forums, pissed in every fans and supporters' faces and telling us how much you hate us, how you're constantly begging for money for stupid poo poo (bloated server costs because of your spaghetti forum codes (lol)) and / or never actually doing poo poo about it (Xenforo 2.0) despite raking in $10k in patreon money whenever your "funds" run low, and so many other idiotic half-baked entrepreneurial ideas that have blown up in your face so, so many times. Oh, and you're barely active on the forums. You only pop up when you need the money, or to do some damage control when you had retards like FactsAreUseless running this place.

You dug your own grave, and look where you're at. An unemployed man trying to relive his Web 1.0 glory, with a (soon to be divorced) mentally unstable & unemployed wife. Lmao

Get hosed, Lowtax.

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/wewascoolonicqbruh

# ? Dec 5, 2019 06:37

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

Also if you don't want to post a thing itt I keep a throwaway account called hdcreads@gmail.com and ~~please don't endlessly goatse me~~ you're welcome to use that instead.

# ? Dec 5, 2019 06:41

Lil Swamp Booger Baby: Aug 1, 1981

*In robot voice*

YOU HAVE T MINUS FIVE SECONDS UNTIL LIL SWAMP BOOGER BABY CHOWS DOWN ON YOUR SWAMPY PULSATING SPHINCTER, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR... FIVE

*Nasty rear end slurping and heavy breathing noises*

# ? Dec 5, 2019 06:44

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

Lil Swamp Booger Baby posted:

*In robot voice*

YOU HAVE T MINUS FIVE SECONDS UNTIL LIL SWAMP BOOGER BABY CHOWS DOWN ON YOUR SWAMPY PULSATING SPHINCTER, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR... FIVE

*Nasty rear end slurping and heavy breathing noises*

C'mon man. I only did the butts thing for the hell of it and it took half a second. Seen anybody freak out over stupid poo poo on the forums? Anybody admit to something horrible like smelling their fingers after wiping they rear end? Gimme something funny or weird like that. I know there's plenty of insane poo poo going on across the forums every week and I haven't recorded even a fraction of what's happened on the forums over the years.

I'm absolutely fine with obscure classic insane posts from years ago too.

# ? Dec 5, 2019 06:47

Lil Swamp Booger Baby: Aug 1, 1981

Honky Dong Country posted:

C'mon man. I only did the butts thing for the hell of it and it took have a second. Seen anybody freak out over stupid poo poo on the forums? Anybody admit to something horrible like smelling their fingers after wiping they rear end? Gimme something funny or weird like that. I know there's plenty of insane poo poo going on across the forums every week and I haven't recorded even a fraction of what's happened on the forums over the years.

I just wanted to hear your best slopping and slorping noises c'mon man it will be fun

# ? Dec 5, 2019 06:48

Lil Swamp Booger Baby: Aug 1, 1981

You can cut out the text and just give me ten solid seconds of ur most high effort slurping and slobbering and huge intakes of breathe maybe toss in a "LIVE MAS" at the end if u so please

# ? Dec 5, 2019 06:50

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

Lil Swamp Booger Baby posted:

You can cut out the text and just give me ten solid seconds of ur most high effort slurping and slobbering and huge intakes of breathe maybe toss in a "LIVE MAS" at the end if u so please

*scoffs and points nose at the sky*

I'll be in my trailer.

*heavy masturbation breathing and gruntin can be heard from inside*

# ? Dec 5, 2019 06:55

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

But no really I'm fishing around for insane posts to read myself, if anybody's got anything let's do this poo poo. I enjoy the hell out of the absurdity of it.

# ? Dec 5, 2019 06:59

HBar: Sep 13, 2007

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:04

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

Prokhor Zakharov posted:

The best Hoarders moment was some psycho woman who pushed her children to the brink of madness with just piles of the most random poo poo. One thing she did was bring home rocks, just piles and piles of plain old rocks that she just had to have. Anyway she was doing the typical Hoarders freak out over the poor bastards who were just carrying out like literal crates of rocks. She got in the face of her daughter who was carrying some and the daughter just lost it. The daughter shouted something reasonable like "jesus christ they're just rocks I'm sick of these loving rocks!!" and just picked one up and threw it in a random direction as hard as she could. The mom goes dead silent and with absolute murder in her eyes snarls "I had plans for that rock..."

Something about that delivery just slew me and I can never for the life of me remember which episode it was.

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/rockplans

I cut the last comment because I felt that just the whole I got plans for that rock was a better end to that anecdote

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:05

Zippy the Bummer: Dec 14, 2008; Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES

Does front page content count?

quote:

Dear Mr. Mackey,

The harsh and frosty winds descend upon my winter writing home with a fierce howl, sending great powdery waves of snow around the towering red brick of my writing tower to settle in a lacy halo over the cold dirt of the garden. I have recently finished my breakfast of a thick slice of rich honeyed bread, slathered thickly with fresh butter and tart strawberry jam, all washed down with a creamy glass of good milk. I sit now at my writing desk, lovingly carved with a wee x for every hundred dollars I have relieved from the world's children, and I consider grimly your note concerning my latest and, I hope, final work in the Redwall canon.

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:05

Applewhite: Aug 16, 2014; by vyelkin; Nap Ghost

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?postid=497346822

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:10

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

Zippy the Bummer posted:

Does front page content count?

I honestly don't know what this front page bit is from but it sounded funny to me an I'm loath to pass up a good front page reading so

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/redwallcanon

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:12

ShortyMR.CAT: Sep 25, 2008; Lipstick Apathy

I'm...gay???

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:14

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

Applewhite posted:

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?postid=497346822

My man, I wanna do this, but I'm one guy and I'm loving useless at anything besides my own stupid voice, so dialogue, especially with like three different characters, is an absolute nightmare for me. I'm not really good for doing multiple voices. Sorry.

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:14

Applewhite: Aug 16, 2014; by vyelkin; Nap Ghost

Honky Dong Country posted:

My man, I wanna do this, but I'm one guy and I'm loving useless at anything besides my own stupid voice, so dialogue, especially with like three different characters, is an absolute nightmare for me. I'm not really good for doing multiple voices. Sorry.

It's probably funnier if you don't do the voices TBH.

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:15

Lil Swamp Booger Baby: Aug 1, 1981

I hate you I'm so mad at you. I've never hated anyone as much as this. I've got a picture of you on my bedside table and I'm sitting here hunched over the picture in my hands just looking through the glass and at your face and thinking about how you've betrayed me, there are tears streaming down my face all the way down my bare heaving, sweaty chest and onto my denim jeans pooling into a space above my crotched so it looks like I peed myself and it only makes me hate you more. My soul is torn apart and as I sob at your image within that pane I can only gag out a breathy tear soaked "I hate you Honky Dong, I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR NOT DOING MY rear end EATING CONTENT YOU BIG BITCH!!"

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:18

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

ShortyMR.CAT posted:

I'm...gay???

I really like this one for a couple reasons. For one it's short, sweet, and a classic. Two, the question mark reminds me of https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtVjRG7PB_4. And three, when I said gently caress it and recorded it I discovered that I'd already recorded a thing I saved as imgay and had to save this as imgay2.

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/imgay2

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:20

Frank Frank: Jun 13, 2001; Mirrored

was brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

�Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!�

He took his vorpal sword in hand;
Long time the manxome foe he sought�
So rested he by the Tumtum tree
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

�And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!�
He chortled in his joy.

�Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

****Done in the voice of Adam Sandler***

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:20

Linux Pirate: Apr 21, 2012

Hope this isn't too gross, but horny deviantart sentence structure is like nothing else ever written on this earth.

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:23

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

Lil Swamp Booger Baby posted:

I hate you I'm so mad at you. I've never hated anyone as much as this. I've got a picture of you on my bedside table and I'm sitting here hunched over the picture in my hands just looking through the glass and at your face and thinking about how you've betrayed me, there are tears streaming down my face all the way down my bare heaving, sweaty chest and onto my denim jeans pooling into a space above my crotched so it looks like I peed myself and it only makes me hate you more. My soul is torn apart and as I sob at your image within that pane I can only gag out a breathy tear soaked "I hate you Honky Dong, I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR NOT DOING MY rear end EATING CONTENT YOU BIG BITCH!!"

Now this is the kind of poo poo I'm looking for, bravo

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/ubigbitch

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:37

ShortyMR.CAT: Sep 25, 2008; Lipstick Apathy

Honky Dong Country posted:

I really like this one for a couple reasons. For one it's short, sweet, and a classic. Two, the question mark reminds me of https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtVjRG7PB_4. And three, when I said gently caress it and recorded it I discovered that I'd already recorded a thing I saved as imgay and had to save this as imgay2.

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/imgay2

justice prevails again

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:39

Resting Lich Face: Feb 21, 2019; This case of an intraperitoneal zucchini is unusual, and does raise questions as to how hard one has to push a blunt vegetable to perforate the rectum.

I like your voice this thread is cool and good.

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:40

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

Frank Frank posted:

was brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

�Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!�

He took his vorpal sword in hand;
Long time the manxome foe he sought�
So rested he by the Tumtum tree
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

�And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!�
He chortled in his joy.

�Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

****Done in the voice of Adam Sandler***

this one was fun, but you don't get Adam Sandler voice because I'm a talentless hack and also lazy

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/bandersnatch

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:49

Resting Lich Face: Feb 21, 2019; This case of an intraperitoneal zucchini is unusual, and does raise questions as to how hard one has to push a blunt vegetable to perforate the rectum.

sebmojo posted:

Remember: you asked for this.

Author: Baudolino
Wordcount: 860

Classic

Rural Rentboys
[permalink]

The Year is 1985.
England,Shropshire, Wroxeter, two 18teen year old boys are entering an abonend bunker. The mosscovered"do not enter"sign above the entrance is barely redable, it has not worn the gnawing of time well. They ignore it. The bunker was a perect litle shelter for them. For James and RIchard it was the ideal, that is to say the only place where they could be themselves.

Wroxeter, famous for it`s old roman ruins and little else was hardly a stronghold of tolerance. Quiet little villages with piss poor work markets seldom are. Two young boys in love could not be open about their desires in such a place without risk. Tall, muscular and atheltic James and Richard cherised the attention they got from the local girls .
But the School janitor with his needy blue eyes and gaunt face also appreciated their looks. Attention from a known poofter like him they could ill afford. In short things could be better for them. Mercifully they knew they always had eachother and the aboned bunker. It would have to do until they graduated.

Spring was in full orgasmic explosion when they visited the bunker for the last time. Nature blossomed, it was green, moist and filled with bird song. The green hills east of Wroxter was in everyway a paradisal sigth, not including the odd discarded needle or empty beer can. Even the heavens looked magical, dotted with white puffy clouds and clothed in the colour of the ceasars. Happily the bunker was obscured behind trees and did not disturb the romantic visage.

Inside the bunker James pushed Richard gently away -No, not yet, work before pleasure remember? Not even a little kiss?--- Alright, maybe just the on... They kissed, it was quick, it was sweet.

-Now to the task at hand, James said and pulled away. Lying upside down in the sparse concrete room was Richard`s bike. It lacked a front wheel, the old one had gotten hosed up after a particulary nasty fall. To buy a new wheel would probaly be best, but neither Richard or James had much money to spare. And RIchard loathed to spend the small pithy the school janitor paid for his "favors" unless absolutely necessary. Instead the two boys had gradually managed to cobble together a decent rim and fit it with spokes. The tire they simply stole off the janitors bike, infront of his very eyes. What was he supposed to do, go to the police? They hoped it would do as a new wheel.

After much sweating cursing and hustling about inside the bunke they finally made the wheel fit the bikeframe. It looked safe anyhow.
-Seems alrigth. Wanna give it a go Richard?
- You know what i want, hehe.
-Seriously mate, ride it down the slope to see how it handles. We might need to make some adjustments.
Richard picked up the bike and smiled. -Yeah yeah i heard you, if it makes you happy.
-I just want you to be safe using that wheel. Richard walked outside and sat down on the bike. -I know you do.

Richard started to roll down the hill the hill, immeadtly the bike started to shake and rumble . As he neared the first bend in the road the front wheel touched a small pothole, at once the wheel collapsed inwards and the joints holdning the rim together came apart violently. Richard was flung off his bike and landed just outside the road, where he tumbled ever faster down the slope. Running as fast as he could James found his lover lying face down at the foot of the hill. His body perfectly still despite bleeding massivly from his rigth thigh where a piece of bone protruded from his flesh. As James he got closer a terrible frigth posessed him. He could barely stand when he finally reached Richard. The horrible dark red blood was naseuating, it was downrigth gruseome. Shambling like a drunk man James tried to get awaybut quickly fell down. The blood made him dizzy, made him feel like he was drownin, made him hold his to breath. The blood the blood blo..

James lost conciousness. When he came to the sky was a little darker and the air at little colder. His lover laid on the same spot as before, the ground now toroughly draped with a dark red colour and RIchard himself curiosly pale. Like paper or snow or something.
-Get up Richard please, we have to get your bike fixed. Come on mate, get up.
RIchard, please, YOU HAVE TO GET UP!

Several weeks later after Richard had been buried at the St Andrews church James found himself outside a yellow camping wagon. Standing in the door in his trouses and with a beer in his hand was the school janitor. With a grin he simply said-So it`s just me and you now innit, come for a job have you?
- Pay me double what you gave Richard and use a loving condom and i.i.. i`ll do what you want
Mr Fletcher stepped back and gave James a huge grin-Get in!

Do this one. Pronounce as written.

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:52

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

Linux Pirate posted:

Hope this isn't too gross, but horny deviantart sentence structure is like nothing else ever written on this earth.

I'll allow it.

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/whaddupmrjoyce

E: if you wanna know why I called it whaddupmrjoyce here you go: https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/fartingnora

that dude really loved him some girlfarts

Honky Dong Country fucked around with this message at 07:58 on Dec 5, 2019

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:54

Feline Mind Meld: Jun 14, 2007; I'm pretty creeped out

OP's dick

# ? Dec 5, 2019 07:55

Lil Swamp Booger Baby: Aug 1, 1981

Honky Dong Country posted:

Now this is the kind of poo poo I'm looking for, bravo

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/ubigbitch

The picture will stay on my bedstand a bit longer thanks to this performance but remember this day when you want to play games again

# ? Dec 5, 2019 08:16

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

last one for tonight and then I gotta sleep I'm drunk af

Resting Lich Face posted:

Do this one. Pronounce as written.

poo poo that reads like Seb was drunk too when he wrote it. Regardless wtf is going on here jfc. Gross.

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/grossdude

# ? Dec 5, 2019 08:26

Resting Lich Face: Feb 21, 2019; This case of an intraperitoneal zucchini is unusual, and does raise questions as to how hard one has to push a blunt vegetable to perforate the rectum.

Honky Dong Country posted:

last one for tonight and then I gotta sleep I'm drunk af

poo poo that reads like Seb was drunk too when he wrote it. Regardless wtf is going on here jfc. Gross.

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/grossdude

Seb didn't write it it was some other goon. I only have him reposting it, not the original.

# ? Dec 5, 2019 08:30

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

Resting Lich Face posted:

Seb didn't write it it was some other goon. I only have him reposting it, not the original.

I'm actually real glad to hear that because holy poo poo I thought Seb was better than that, jesus christ.

# ? Dec 5, 2019 08:32

Linux Pirate: Apr 21, 2012

Honky Dong Country posted:

I'll allow it.

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/whaddupmrjoyce

E: if you wanna know why I called it whaddupmrjoyce here you go: https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/fartingnora

that dude really loved him some girlfarts

Thank you very much, and I am familiar with James Joyce's work.

# ? Dec 5, 2019 08:33

Frank Frank: Jun 13, 2001; Mirrored

Frank Frank posted:

was brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

�Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!�

He took his vorpal sword in hand;
Long time the manxome foe he sought�
So rested he by the Tumtum tree
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

�And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!�
He chortled in his joy.

�Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

****Done in

[quote="Honky Dong Country" post="500538603"]
this one was fun, but you don't get Adam Sandler voice because I'm a talentless hack and also lazy

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/bandersnatch

Solid. You sound like an NFL films announcer. I was going to fault you for mispronouncing words but then realized I may well have been mispronouncing them all these years because they are nonsense. Man, I love that poem.

# ? Dec 5, 2019 08:34

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

Hey man I don't pretend I know what the gently caress I'm doing. I could very easily be mispronouncing poo poo, who knows if you or I are correct. I just enjoy reading silly poo poo. Glad you liked it.

# ? Dec 5, 2019 08:37

Zippy the Bummer: Dec 14, 2008; Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES

Dirty Little Fuckbird is a pro username

# ? Dec 5, 2019 09:01

dee eight: Dec 18, 2002; The Spirit
of Maynard

dee eight fucked around with this message at 08:29 on Dec 6, 2019

# ? Dec 5, 2019 09:52

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 26, 2024 16:48

Telebite: Aug 23, 2018

Hey guys, been a long time since I got around to postin, but I've had a TON of farts to smell and only one nose to smell em with. Everyone in the office elected me to go get them coffee today. I just got back from the Starbucks down the street with two armfuls of coffee carriers, only I made a *little* stop along the way. See I've been waiting for this chance for the longest time, and today it paid off. In an alleyway I ducked into on the way back, I put a fiber capsule into each cup. So, in about one or two hours I'll be treated to a literal buffet of farts! Right now I'm flushing my smellers out with nasal spray just so it's in tip-top form when everyone starts "making change" for my contribution.
I'll keep ya posted!

# ? Dec 5, 2019 10:12

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Post Something Funny/Weird And I'll Read It

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