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Randy Travesty

PHANTOM QUEEN


Good evening, and thank you all for joining me here tonight.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce that I, forums poster hamjobs, am no longer running for president. It's been a long campaign trail and while we faced and overcame such great challenges as the Illinois State Fair Pie Eating Contest, the Miss Georgia Peach Festival Dunk Tank and tax liabilities greater than my income on paper, I believe it's time to hang up my hat and put my support behind another, greater candidate: literally a baby with a tiny Hitler moustache.

Baby Hit, as he's known to the zoomers and his supporters, has great plans, many huge plans, for this country, and is the right choice to lead us into a brighter future.

I would like to thank everyone for their support during the campaign, and to those who didn't (Janet), for their creative criticism during my bid for election.

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Bonaventure

by sebmojo
i would just like to say that every baby i kissed has my disease now and i am glad of it

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Bonaventure

by sebmojo
you all know my wife of course, but i would like to call to the stage right now a very fine lady to give a few words: folks, please put your hands together and give a warm welcome to my mistress

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Bonaventure

by sebmojo
my opponent may have won this round, and i congratulate her for it, but mark well- i will have my revenge

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Bonaventure

by sebmojo
i've just been informed by my lawyer that the crimes i acknowledged committing earlier in my concession speech "still count" even though i lost the election, and so i would like to categorically deny committing each and every one of those murders

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Bonaventure

by sebmojo
*undoes belt buckle, allows gut to resume its natural flow*

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Bonaventure

by sebmojo
i cannot-a believe-a the Holy Spirit did not-a choose me, the holiest of all-a the Cardinals!!!

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

bird.

while technically i, Galactic lord bigtoast am perpetually running for office, i am making this announcement to say that we are no longer actively campaigning, and we do not expect to participate in the first, or the second, or even the third primary debate, as the american people are not ready to receive the campaigns message, of giving every american a big toaster, we're talkingg a big big toaster... just a huge toaster, bigger than your goddamn head, just a wowbazow big ol big big big huge toaster to toast huge huge toast, and it appears people are just too white/racist to understand or appreciate the message in this climate

Heather Papps

hello friend


Honestly my, *ouch*, i mean as a family we decided that after my.... Indiscretions *ouch gently caress Jeremy* uh.... My poor behavior it's time to exit the race and focus on my family.



thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

Goons Are Gifts

Thank you everyone, thanks for supporting me.
I decided that it is time to come clean: I really only wanted to make sure Vicky doesn't win this, now that this is done, I will no longer run for office and leave you in the competent hands of.. I dunno I didn't watch the news, whatever.

Suck it, Vicky, next time you better hand me the drat butter.


Pot Smoke Phoenix



Smoke 'em if you gottem!
"In hindsight perhaps I should have thought through my campaign slogan a bit better. I had hoped it would carry my platform further in the race, but I see now that I could have used a bit more polish on the slogan and worked on something perhaps a bit more appealing to the voters. Thank you again for your support through this election!

Maybe next year we can come up with something as honest but less blunt than "Vote For Me, You Bastards!"

Thank you, and good night!"

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN


I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.


While it is true that I am no longer running for president, I will remind you that I am still briskly walking for president, with the occasional little jog when crossing the street.

Heather Papps

hello friend


it's a half marathon campaign, okay? i do NOT have the knee strength to last a full one leave me alone



thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

nut

peace bitches gently caress ya'll

roomforthetuna

I don't need to know anything about virii! My CUSTOM PROGRAM keeps me protected! It's not like they'll try to come in through the Internet or something!
I took some imodium yesterday, and I'm happy to say I'm no longer running for office. Hopefully the cleaners will be done with it by tomorrow morning.

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD

*the trench coat collapses, it turns out i was three kids standing on each other this whole time*

Escape From Noise

Voter? I BARELY KNEW 'ER!

Escape From Noise fucked around with this message at 08:02 on Dec 6, 2019

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD

My concession speech contains a thinly veiled codephrase for a brutal military coup and purge. The tall trees must fall.

Let's see who gets to be on the schoolboard now, Sharon.

PHIZ KALIFA

#mood
HEY IM JOE FUCKIN BIDEN AND I SHOULD BE IN HERE BUT I'M A HUGE FUCKIN HITLER AND I WON'T CUZ I GOT THE FUCKIN BRAINSHITS AND ALL MY MONEY HAS MADE ME AS DUMB AS YOU CAN FUCKIN BE BEFORE YOUR BODY JUST SWALLOWS YOUR OWN TONGUE TO DO THE SPECIES A FAVOR

crimes

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD

thanks to these voter amendments making me county coroner for life, I'll never have to run again.

*ponders the irony of being a coroner for life*

*later ironically dies of a coronary*

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD

PHIZ KALIFA posted:

HEY IM JOE FUCKIN BIDEN AND I SHOULD BE IN HERE BUT I'M A HUGE FUCKIN HITLER AND I WON'T CUZ I GOT THE FUCKIN BRAINSHITS AND ALL MY MONEY HAS MADE ME AS DUMB AS YOU CAN FUCKIN BE BEFORE YOUR BODY JUST SWALLOWS YOUR OWN TONGUE TO DO THE SPECIES A FAVOR

*Howard Stern coughing nervously on mic*

Escape From Noise

I am stepping down but my pizzaponents will face a day of buttery garliconning. I have tasted their foul victory. It will taste like Domino's in their mouths!

Escape From Noise fucked around with this message at 08:50 on Dec 6, 2019

Escape From Noise

Quote isn't edit

Randy Travesty

PHANTOM QUEEN


I would like to thank everyone for their support during my campaign BUT gently caress ALL Y'ALL I QUIT MOTHERFUCKERS WOOOOOOOOOOO GOTCHA I NEVER WANTED THAT JOB

OWNED! FOR MILLIONS, YOU WERE ALL OWNED HAHAHAHA

nut

wow to think that i was about to lead the PTA without knowing it stands for Pretty Terrible Assholes

Heather Papps

hello friend


hamjobs posted:

I would like to thank everyone for their support during my campaign BUT gently caress ALL Y'ALL I QUIT MOTHERFUCKERS WOOOOOOOOOOO GOTCHA I NEVER WANTED THAT JOB

OWNED! FOR MILLIONS, YOU WERE ALL OWNED HAHAHAHA

"and now a word from our vice... uh, i guess, our running leader?"

"PSYCHE NERDS peace ouuuuuttttttttttt":vapes:



thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

Bonaventure

by sebmojo
you gotta admit I played this stinkin' city like a harp from hell !!!

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

google THIS

I realize this is fairly late in the race, what with it being 7 years 364 days into my presidency, but I must reluctantly withdraw and concede to my opponent. Thank you all for your support. Ha ha, Phil, I guess you "win!" Enjoy it while it lasts!

roomforthetuna

I don't need to know anything about virii! My CUSTOM PROGRAM keeps me protected! It's not like they'll try to come in through the Internet or something!
I've decided to stop running for office, and am now running for g-suite instead, thank you.

Macnult

Bonaventure posted:

i would just like to say that every baby i kissed has my disease now and i am glad of it

Bacon Taco

Now with extra narwhal meat!
HAIKOOLIGAN
Maybe not so much a lol and the best lol, but I ran for state assembly in 1992 and spent $200 and got 8% ,
but I am no longer running for office.

sb hermit





Now, to ponder over my next role in furthering the goals of this great nation, I've decided to hike the Appalachian Trail

*boards plane for Argentina*

Heather Papps

hello friend


member when i said i cared about you, and your feelings? that, actually, was a lie. gently caress you i have your money now idiotos



thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

Escape From Noise

el dorito posted:

Now, to ponder over my next role in furthering the goals of this great nation, I've decided to hike the Appalachian Trail

*boards plane for Argentina*

Classic

The MUMPSorceress


^SHTPSTS

I've decided to take the advice of America as I've received in droves on Twitter. I'm taking the opportunity to announce my exploratory committee for the possibility of running for clown, at the circus


Thanks City of Glompton for the glorious sig

FutonForensic

folks,



i hosed up


canyoneer


I only have canyoneyes for you
i have decided to step away to spend more time with my partner and our little guys. she has shield and i have sword, and we are making great progress towards filling our dex completely

sb hermit





canyoneer posted:

i have decided to step away to spend more time with my partner and our little guys. she has shield and i have sword, and we are making great progress towards filling our dex completely

Folks, I know I made a campaign promise that every voter can either battle or pet my pikachu but he was a gift that I never really wanted. I wanted an eevee. And I can't live this lie anymore.

See y'all in Lavender Town. I mean, the denny's on main and studebaker.

nut

The MUMPSorceress posted:

I've decided to take the advice of America as I've received in droves on Twitter. I'm taking the opportunity to announce my exploratory committee for the possibility of running for clown, at the circus

lol

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Dr. Yinz Ljubljana

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am stepping down after the many (false) accusations of being on ketamine at my son's bar mitzvah. i have not seen the (doctored) video, but i can assure you it's not real. anyway, just to be on the safe side, i'm checking into rehab (don't need it) and my wife is also leaving me (unrelated).


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