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No seriously it sucks
Yeah
No it's cool
I have a disability so it's actually pretty great
Stop being such a whiner
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Genesplicer
Oct 19, 2002

I give your invention the worst grade imaginable: An A-minus-minus!

Total Clam

GolfHole posted:

*hands full of groceries, shoes on, coat on, just got in from work*

hey google i'm home

*lights come on, music plays, house starts to warm up, coffee starts, tv queues up peep show, etc*

Sort of predicted in the early 1990s.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2EgfkhC1eo

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Guildenstern Mother
Mar 31, 2010

Why walk when you can ride?
I live in a big stupid loft with zero overhead lighting and walking around manually turning off 12-15 floor lamps when I'm high and sleepy is some peasant rear end bullshit.

Other good things about project smarthome:
- Setting up lighting schemes for things like movie watching
- Autodimming the lights as it gets later at night so your dumb rear end goes to bed at a reasonable hour
- Having them turn on when you turn off your alarm while the homemini bellows the weather and traffic report at you because you forgot to turn down the volume. Again.
- Being able to increase the light in the kitchen because you didn't turn them up before you started cooking and now your hands are covered in the raw chicken you're chopping blindly
-Cooking in general, get your recipe on the home hub, put on music, look up conversions, check what the ideal temp for mid rare is, all without having to wash, dry your hands, find your phone, and interrupt very crucial hamburger helper preparations
- The colored lights you can synch up with your tv or moniter are pretty awesome as well. Very excellent waste of money.

So far no nest, although that would be fantastic. The cameras and doorbells not so much.


edit: I also trained it to respond to "life sucks" by pulling up youtubes of animals being cute.

Motherfucker
Jul 16, 2011

I certainly dont have deep-seated issues involving birthdays.
I own a Roomba. Its an older one with no wifi so it can't spy on my poo poo for google tho

Motherfucker
Jul 16, 2011

I certainly dont have deep-seated issues involving birthdays.
Can't wait for my loving lightbulbs to be a botnet that shuts down my bank and gets me shot by cops

mazzi Chart Czar
Sep 24, 2005

GolfHole posted:

*hands full of groceries, shoes on, coat on, just got in from work*

hey google i'm home

*lights come on, music plays, house starts to warm up, coffee starts, tv queues up peep show, etc*

Ahhhh you're the people who make these things suck. You forgot the one thing that would actually be useful. Your post should be:

GolfHole posted:

*hands full of groceries, shoes on, coat on, just got in from work*

hey google i'm home

*DOOR loving OPENS!*

You're just standing outside while all your goggle appliances are having a party!

mazzi Chart Czar fucked around with this message at 04:51 on Jan 8, 2020

Telebite
Aug 23, 2018

I want to meet her! Moles? Moles? [sends power surge through electric toothbrush] Moles, I want to meet her!

Telebite
Aug 23, 2018

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uX9ncWVls0s

Motherfucker
Jul 16, 2011

I certainly dont have deep-seated issues involving birthdays.

Guildenstern Mother posted:

I live in a big stupid loft with zero overhead lighting and walking around manually turning off 12-15 floor lamps when I'm high and sleepy is some peasant rear end bullshit.

Other good things about project smarthome:
- Setting up lighting schemes for things like movie watching
- Autodimming the lights as it gets later at night so your dumb rear end goes to bed at a reasonable hour
- Having them turn on when you turn off your alarm while the homemini bellows the weather and traffic report at you because you forgot to turn down the volume. Again.
- Being able to increase the light in the kitchen because you didn't turn them up before you started cooking and now your hands are covered in the raw chicken you're chopping blindly
-Cooking in general, get your recipe on the home hub, put on music, look up conversions, check what the ideal temp for mid rare is, all without having to wash, dry your hands, find your phone, and interrupt very crucial hamburger helper preparations
- The colored lights you can synch up with your tv or moniter are pretty awesome as well. Very excellent waste of money.

So far no nest, although that would be fantastic. The cameras and doorbells not so much.


edit: I also trained it to respond to "life sucks" by pulling up youtubes of animals being cute.

Sick, all this seems totally worth having an entire flotilla of unpatched linux processors in every socket that I pay the energy costs for while they harvest bitcoins.

strange feelings re Daisy
Aug 2, 2000

Motherfucker posted:

Can't wait for my loving lightbulbs to be a botnet that shuts down my bank and gets me shot by cops
Ahh, I see you've also watched lovely 90's movie "Ghost in the Machine".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2HPq-WDnFQ&t=48s

I. M. Gei
Jun 26, 2005

CHIEFS

BITCH



I never understood how an Amazon Echo could possibly be useful to anyone until I realized my mom could probably use one, since she had crippling arthritis and could barely use the touchscreen on her iPhone (she had to use Siri to make calls). I ended up getting her one for Christmas about a year ago.

She died 3 months later, before we even set it up.

Now my dad and I mostly use it to make grocery lists and turn on this one lamp in our den that’s hard to reach the switch on.

I’m still not sure if it’s actually useful for anything.

Motherfucker
Jul 16, 2011

I certainly dont have deep-seated issues involving birthdays.

strange feelings re Daisy posted:

Ahh, I see you've also watched lovely 90's movie "Ghost in the Machine".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2HPq-WDnFQ&t=48s

I perfer the real version https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-6216451/Security-experts-discover-sophisticated-botnet-seen.html



Relevant twitter: https://twitter.com/internetofshit

Bobcats
Aug 5, 2004
Oh
I have a fancier Roomba and Hue bulbs but not a whole house of them because I’m a sensible person.

The Roomba consistently finds dirt so my living must be filthy. The Hue set is very handy.

Also my thermostat is so old it has a mercury switch so... priorities.

Three Olives
Apr 10, 2005

What if Hitler invented the BMW i3 Subcompact Electric car?
I can turn my car air conditioning on with my watch, I can change my bed firmness with my phone, my house HVAC turns on automatically when I start heading home and I can order my groceries to be delivered while I am cooking with my voice, I'm not going to live like an animal when we have a better way.

Relayer
Sep 18, 2002
thinking about the alternate biff hell universe itt

Motherfucker
Jul 16, 2011

I certainly dont have deep-seated issues involving birthdays.

Three Olives posted:

I can turn my car air conditioning on with my watch, I can change my bed firmness with my phone, my house HVAC turns on automatically when I start heading home and I can order my groceries to be delivered while I am cooking with my voice, I'm not going to live like an animal when we have a better way.

Huh I wonder which tech company I'd have to pay and how much to make a live feed of your gross little life to mock.

Telebite
Aug 23, 2018

strange feelings re Daisy posted:

Ahh, I see you've also watched lovely 90's movie "Ghost in the Machine".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2HPq-WDnFQ&t=48s

This was also good:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJwuX3m1Bcs

"Eddie Furlong was a 15-year-old kid who couldn't act. You had to slap him awake every morning. I don't want to get into knocking people, but I was not a big Eddie Furlong fan." -Director John Flynn

HerniaFlange
Aug 4, 2013

You when you read my posts:

Three Olives posted:

I can turn my car air conditioning on with my watch, I can change my bed firmness with my phone, my house HVAC turns on automatically when I start heading home and I can order my groceries to be delivered while I am cooking with my voice, I'm not going to live like an animal when we have a better way.

You better be careful, one day you're going to roll over on your phone while you're asleep and drop the firmness all the way down so you sink in and fall through and the monster under the bed can get you.

Also you better be tipping that grocery delivery driver.

Also also none of you were supposed to click the whiner option, don't be weiners.

HerniaFlange fucked around with this message at 05:16 on Jan 8, 2020

Chinatown
Sep 11, 2001

by Fluffdaddy
Fun Shoe

Three Olives posted:

I can turn my car air conditioning on with my watch, I can change my bed firmness with my phone, my house HVAC turns on automatically when I start heading home and I can order my groceries to be delivered while I am cooking with my voice, I'm not going to live like an animal when we have a better way.

SHUT THE gently caress UP 3O

Three Olives
Apr 10, 2005

What if Hitler invented the BMW i3 Subcompact Electric car?

HerniaFlange posted:

You better be careful, one day you're going to roll over on your phone while you're asleep and drop the firmness all the way down so you sink in and fall through and the monster under the bed can get you.

My watch has fall detection and LTE and will automatically dial 911.

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

strange feelings re Daisy posted:

Ahh, I see you've also watched lovely 90's movie "Ghost in the Machine".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2HPq-WDnFQ&t=48s

I didn't see a single naked cyborg, pass!

it's a sick movie tho

Woden
May 6, 2006
Samsung's new up-skirt robot that follows you around the house.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xwi_U-g3wA0

HerniaFlange
Aug 4, 2013

You when you read my posts:

Woden posted:

Samsung's new up-skirt robot that follows you around the house.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xwi_U-g3wA0

Ballie seems kind of clingy.

Chinatown
Sep 11, 2001

by Fluffdaddy
Fun Shoe

Woden posted:

Samsung's new up-skirt robot that follows you around the house.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xwi_U-g3wA0

yeah dogs will totally love these

GolfHole
Feb 26, 2004

Scott Lame posted:

There's also that Bradbury story ("When Soft Rains Fall"?), about the smart house that keeps taking care of its owners, oblivious to the fact that they're long dead from fallout.

it did a good job, didnt it?

we didnt

but it did

GolfHole
Feb 26, 2004

mazzi Chart Czar posted:

Ahhhh you're the people who make these things suck. You forgot the one thing that would actually be useful. Your post should be
You're just standing outside while all your goggle appliances are having a party!

hmm. you're right.

good idea.

Dreddout
Oct 1, 2015

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.

Chinatown posted:

SHUT THE gently caress UP 3O

HerniaFlange
Aug 4, 2013

You when you read my posts:

Chinatown posted:

yeah dogs will totally love these

No idea what you mean, dogs are known for their hatred of moving balls. Despise them really.

Chinatown
Sep 11, 2001

by Fluffdaddy
Fun Shoe

HerniaFlange posted:

No idea what you mean, dogs are known for their hatred of moving balls. Despise them really.

WOOSH

HerniaFlange
Aug 4, 2013

You when you read my posts:

Yes that is the sound of me throwing a ball away from my dog so it no longer has to be near it.

Chinatown
Sep 11, 2001

by Fluffdaddy
Fun Shoe

HerniaFlange posted:

Yes that is the sound of me throwing a ball away from my dog so it no longer has to be near it.

im not buying any of this garbage until theres a toilet that can weigh and track my shits

Toto needs to get their proverbial poo poo together IMHO.

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon
I think they have those in Japan

GolfHole
Feb 26, 2004

Chinatown posted:

im not buying any of this garbage until theres a toilet that can weight and track my shits

Toto needs to get their proverbial poo poo together IMHO.

dude there are like 1 thousand of those

HerniaFlange
Aug 4, 2013

You when you read my posts:

Chinatown posted:

im not buying any of this garbage until theres a toilet that can weigh and track my shits

Toto needs to get their proverbial poo poo together IMHO.


You could probably get one of those German/Dutch toilets with a shelf for poop inspection and put a scale on it.

Chinatown
Sep 11, 2001

by Fluffdaddy
Fun Shoe

HerniaFlange posted:

You could probably get one of those German/Dutch toilets with a shelf for poop inspection and put a scale on it.



ah the AC Slater toilet

Relayer
Sep 18, 2002

HerniaFlange posted:

You could probably get one of those German/Dutch toilets with a shelf for poop inspection and put a scale on it.



I have a normal american toilet :911: and sometimes my poo poo sits on it, as if on a shelf as well. I need to eat more chobani

Guildenstern Mother
Mar 31, 2010

Why walk when you can ride?

Motherfucker posted:

Sick, all this seems totally worth having an entire flotilla of unpatched linux processors in every socket that I pay the energy costs for while they harvest bitcoins.

Well I'm sure as poo poo not going to harvest them.

OMFG FURRY
Jul 10, 2006

[snarky comment]
embrace the future op, let it wash over you and just be thankful you don't have to pay your door to open

this post brought to you by Ubik™ and posted from my Samsung washing machine

Guildenstern Mother
Mar 31, 2010

Why walk when you can ride?

OMFG FURRY posted:

embrace the future op, let it wash over you and just be thankful you don't have to pay your door to open

this post brought to you by Ubik™ and posted from my Samsung washing machine

Give it time, one of them will eventually win (google) and the micro transactions will absolutely begin.

Poohs Packin
Jan 13, 2019

The entire goal of these devices is to make it easier to purchase goods from their preferred service. Alexa's "shopping list" functionality is absolutely its most important from Amazon's perspective. It allows you to spend money extremely easily. Instead of writing a list, going to a store, purchasing your goods and returning home you can just shout your immediate wants into the ether and be debited automatically. poo poo is so loving evil. While some might use it to replace basic needs like toilet paper and toothpaste I'd bet dollars to donuts that on average households that have an alexa or similar product have a statistically significantly higher portion of their income spent on online shopping.

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Sharks Eat Bear
Dec 25, 2004

Frankenstyle posted:

I never have to get up to turn off lights when I realize I forgot to after I sat down with my bowl of popcorn. I don't have to fumble with a switch when I come in with hands full of groceries. When I get out of the shower and want to cross the living room I can close the curtains that my wife always leaves open without scaring the neighbors. I never forget food in the oven because I never bother with a timer, but asking the house to remind me is easy. I never lose my phone because the house finds it. I had to call my wife about some super important poo poo but she was asleep with the phone on mute, so from a different city I dropped in on the bedroom to yell at her to wake up while flicking the lights and her white noise generator on and off. When a repair or cable comes by I can let him in from wherever. Ditto for telling the UPS guy it's okay to leave packages at the door. If I wanna know what percentage of my pay this Christmas bonus was or how many teaspoons are in a gallon or to convert Fahrenheit/Celsius I just ask the house. I can tell the house to remind me to pick up toilet paper and dog food when it sees my phone leaving work, which is sooo much better than a timed reminder because I can have weird hours at the hospital. I'm not even gonna get into how awesome it gets when you toss a Roomba in the mix.

Basically at this point my home is a host organism and I'm a parasite, and I love it. Having to remember not to plan any heists or do any drug deals in a room with the system on is a small price to pay, and targeted ads telling me when new Star Wars toys come out is a time saver.

nice self own

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