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isaboo
Nov 10, 2002

I can destroy you


Chapter 1: The Paradise Lounge

This is a true story.

Back in the 1990s I was known as Beets and I (temporarily) crippled a Scientologist stripper.



That was me circa 1994 at 23 years old.

I worked at a strip club in the southern US. The club was somewhere between the cliched local-dirty-businessman-owned-criminal-front dump and a B-tier okay-to-take-travelling-businessman-to-but-only-after-much-alcohol-at-a-better-strip-club kind of place. It wasn't dirty but it wasn't fancy. We only occasionally had a buffet lunch during the day. Strip club food is not very good food. Never eat the shrimp. Our bartenders and DJs were great though and they, along with maybe 4 of the girls, were really what brought customers in.

The club was at the end of a short dead end road with nothing else around but a coin operated car wash that no one used and a pawn shop. It had the very original name of THE PARADISE LOUNGE but most people around town just called it "The 'Dise" which was not only a play on the name but also a nod to the dice games and other sorts of gambling that went on after hours. A couple letters of the ugly orange neon sign didn't work. In the parking lot there were a couple of rusted out cars on cement blocks that had been there for 15 years, or so I was told. Drunk patrons of the bar would sometimes sleep in the cars. It was not an upscale environment by any means but considering the local area it wasn't the worst place.

I got the nickname Beets working there. I don't particularly love beets; they're okay but I'm not a fanatic. One of my favorite shirts was a blue t-shirt that had a simple picture of a beet on it. I just liked the color of the shirt and the cut of it looked good on me. Plus it was often a conversation starter. One day our most reliable regular, Crazy Leo, called me Beets and it just stuck. He thought it was funny because I was a bouncer and I would sometimes have to "beet" people. Ha. Hilarious. Anyway, here is my best approximation of Crazy Leo:



Crazy Leo was around 65 and was the brother of Carl. Carl was the owner of the club and looked not unlike Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Carl was a jerk and thankfully wasn't around very often. Crazy Leo was quite an alcoholic and talked to himself. A lot. We mostly couldn't understand what he was mumbling but sometimes we could make out the words "safe" and "Stella". None of us ever asked who Stella was. We were told to just let Leo be Leo. Crazy Leo was mostly harmless and would only act out when he wasn't drinking which was rare.

Michelle was a stripper. Michelle was THE stripper. Michelle was the Queen of Stripperdom at our establishment and she was not to be trifled with by the other strippers. Michelle was also batshit crazy and bugfuck insane.

This is Michelle, aka Viper, when I first met her. She had green hair and wore a big leather hat:



Michelle was 32. She called herself Viper, and insisted to be called Viper, by everyone except me and Crazy Leo. To this day I do not know why I was given a pass. Anyway, among the reasons she called herself Viper was the fact that she had a tattoo of a snake just above her vagina. It wasn't flashy or colorful and since she was supposedly 16 when she got it, it had faded over 15 years and wasn't very prominent on her richly tanned skin. I don't know if the tat came first or if her nickname did, but I like to think that the reason she was known as Viper is because everyone knew that she had snakes in her loving head. Here is another way to picture her:



or even



Honestly though, she was strikingly beautiful and took great pride in and care of her body and hot drat she had a killer body. I worked in a lot of clubs in the 90s and she was probably the most naturally pretty woman I met. It is seriously hard to overstate her classical beauty. She had promiment cheekbones, full lips, and incredible gray eyes. Just absolutely mesmerizing eyes. Her 'thing' was drastically changing her appearance and wearing lots of different outfits. Her normal hair color was blonde but she would often dye it pink, green, black, etc or wear extensions or wigs. She'd even use colored contact lenses or fake eyeglasses. She'd dress up as a teen beauty contestant complete with a tiara one day, and a couple of days later she would be a cowgirl or a pants-suit wearing secretary. Her default mode of dress was usually a tight miniskirt or cheerleader skirt, big black boots, and some sort of cutesy tshirt. Over a given 2 week period she would have probably 5 or 6 different personas. This wasn't a thing for her pole dancing shows, or for cosplay, or anything like that. She would do it solely to confuse people and she was really loving good at it. Kinda like Roger from American Dad in that respect.

At this time Viper was pretty much an unknowable entity to anyone other than Crazy Leo and Carl. Carl made it known that as long as he was alive Viper would have a job at The Paradise Lounge. I still don't know much about the relationship between Carl and Viper but I know it wasn't sexual. It was very deep and odd but by all appearances genuine and heartfelt and pretty profound. I wish I knew the secret they shared; it had to be a loving monster.

I don't know the truth of many things she told me but according to Viper she was from a small town in Indiana and left home when she was 16 (I believe that one). She claimed she graduated high school early (not true) and recieved a scholarship to Harvard (definitely not true) but turned it down to study music at The Juilliard School in NYC . Big NOPE on that one. Anyway after I got to know her a bit I learned that she had been stripping off and on at random bars and clubs along the east coast since she was 17 and pretty much full time for the 10 years she worked at The 'Dise. She also claimed that she had done some local TV commercials when she lived in Philly and had also taken part in some sort of porno shoot that never went to distribution.

Crazy Leo LOVED Viper. Not in a stripper-worship way, but in a kind of sweet way. He called her his neice and she called him Uncle Leo but they were not related. She would help him out financially from time to time and he would help her in other ways. They did have this one weird thing going on though:



Every Thursday night, without fail, Viper would give Crazy Leo a lap dance in our sad, pathetic version of a champagne/VIP room. It was really just an oversized doorless closet with a horrible orange shag carpet, a black faux leather couch, a couple of ceiling to floor mirrors, a mirror ball overhead, and christmas tree lights strung around the room. A loudspeaker was mounted in the corner, and the song I remember being played most in there at the time was "Whoomp! There it is!" by Tag Team. Whenever she was ready Viper would give Crazy Leo a wink and a smile and and it was understood that for the next 30 minutes or so Viper would be unavailable. That's all fine and dandy; a regular getting a lap dance was no big deal except for the fact that Viper would let, or rather actually encourage, Crazy Leo to motorboat her tits. And on top of that, he would mumble "safe" and "Stella" louder than normal. Over and over while his face was buried in her tits. "SAFE" "mrmgshmfmh" "STELLA" "mumble mumbgrshmff" and so on.

Viper had a weird thing for bananas. I don't know if it was the attraction to something phallic but she did the craziest poo poo with bananas. She would:



Put a banana in the tail pipe of someone's car. She loved the scene in Beverly Hills Cop where Eddie Murphy did that. If it was as a joke on a coworker, she'd walk up to them and say "DO YOU HAVE A BANANA IN YOUR TAILPIPE" and that person would have to go look to see if she indeed put a loving banana in their tailpipe. Sometimes she'd do that to a customer that didn't tip her well enough.

Other times she'd just chase one of the other girls around with a banana, or she would just sneak up behind someone and touch the banana to their rear end in a top hat. That's also how she would greet a new coworker or a new customer, banana in hand or not; she would just jam her thumb into their rear end in a top hat and laugh about it. It's a wonder she never got decked for it.

She always had bananas at her makeup station so we were never safe. And oh my god if you ever crossed the sacred boundaries of her dressing room area she would flip the gently caress out. She was very definitely a diva and had the sterotypical hollywood starlet's make up mirror with the giant light bulbs and pictures of herself stuck on the frame. Everyone else had to make do with handheld mirrors or share the only other wall mounted mirror.

To be fair though, she was not the only stripper that went off the chain on occasion. Fights were rare at The 'Dise but I probably broke up more actual fights between the girls that worked there than I did scuffles between patrons.

In general Viper was a very vengeful and utterly psychotic person. The first couple of years I worked with her were pretty tame except for the Leo and banana shenanigans but towards the end she started going off the deep end. Some of this stuff I didn't find out until much later from a mutual friend but she would:

*torment everyone with superglue. She'd squirt some into the locks on our lockers, glue someone's personal items to the wall or floor or desk, etc
*slash the tires of her very narrowly defined rude customers
*anonymously call the wife/girlfriend of customers and tell them she was loving the guy and she was pregnant
*put some kind of itching powder in the costumes of other girls
*go loving buck wild and try to slap the poo poo out of whoever was closest

And her favorite thing:

She would take thumbtacks or anything sharp that she could find and toss them onto the couches or seats throughout the club, then take her lap dance client to that chair and just loving GRIND them into the thumbtacks or whatever. If there were thumbtacks in the seat cushion she would be sure to sit on their lap and just keep grinding making sure they felt the tack. Sometimes she would find something bulky and very hard like a piece of cement from the parking lot, unzip the cushion cover and slip the rock inside. If it was in the back of the couch she'd lean onto them with her tits in their face and just smash their back into it. She'd cover her tracks and remove them later. Who the gently caress does that? Viper. Why? The snakes in her head I guess.

The worst thing she ever did though was try to put ground up glass in other girls' makeup. That was toward the end of her employment there and after I left; I only heard about it later. Thankfully the girls were smart enough to realize the attempt so they kept their real makeup elsewhere outside of the dressing room. The crazy thing is that she is not the only stripper I have known that did that. The other one was years after all of this.

I've been around a lot of strippers and sex workers in my day. A lot of them were very well adjusted to their lifestyle choice and were quite successful at it. A couple that worked at high class clubs became millionaires through hard work and clever investing. Others had very profound issues and were legitimately struggling to survive. Viper was just loving nuts. loving. Nuts. Sometimes I think she was just willfully crazy. She revelled in it. It was sort of impressive in a twisted way.

So that's the kind of person Viper was and that's the kind of place the club was.



Viper and I started loving around a year into my employment there. And that's when it started to get crazy.

e: fixed a link

E: chapter 2 later if anyone cares to know more

isaboo fucked around with this message at 06:28 on Jan 11, 2020

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isaboo
Nov 10, 2002

I can destroy you


e: oops double post.

e: Chapter 2 here! https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...2#post501552901

e: Chapter 3 part 1 here: https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...2#post501595946

The finale here Chapter 3 part 2 : https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...3#post501604447

isaboo fucked around with this message at 02:27 on Jan 13, 2020

my kinda ape
Sep 15, 2008

Everything's gonna be A-OK


Hair Elf

I'm glad that threads like this still exist, thank you OP

dr.acula
May 9, 2009



I'll read this in the morning but I gotta say just from going by the pictures this story makes no sense

The Walrus
Jul 9, 2002




Fun Shoe

this story titillated me that was your intention right op?

ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015


Psshhh then youíre gonna tell me she gets all her party stamina from drinking pee.

Comfy Fleece Sweater
Apr 2, 2013


Sounds like a classy lady OP, and you sound like a well adjusted dude just dating around and having fun, hope this has a happy ending

kazr
Jan 28, 2005


Now help me dig these crack rocks outta my rear end

ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015


She sound like a real special strawberry op.

isaboo
Nov 10, 2002

I can destroy you


kazr posted:

Now help me dig these crack rocks outta my rear end


Nah, crack wasn't her drug of choice. She liked hallucinogens and those play a part later.

I met plenty of crack whores along the way though

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

She sound like a real special strawberry op.

Strawberry was actually the name of another stripper I knew, and she was a girl that I had known since 1st grade. She was called that because she'd spank her rear end so hard on stage it would make her (black) rear end red.

isaboo fucked around with this message at 05:03 on Jan 10, 2020

Malcolm Turnbeug
Mar 21, 2018



I worked with a girl who would do the thumb in rear end thing. She wasnít a stripper though, she was a well educated lady with a finance degree who moved to New York for her career, got really into bar tending there, switched careers, and moved back to Australia. It was weird bc it wasnít an ongoing thing, just when you started there people would tell you she was gonna put her thumb just as far into your rear end as she could get through your clothes at some point in the first week of your employment. I thought they were joking and so did everyone I told about it that started working there after me no matter how much I insisted. I canít imagine a dude doing this tbh bc the dude version of this is more or less just hitting each other in the balls really hard.

Prokhor Zakharov
Dec 31, 2008
Good luck with your depression!


The worst job I ever had was as a strip club bouncer, I barely lasted a month

Resting Lich Face
Feb 21, 2019


Ground floor.

Post more.

Motherfucker
Jul 16, 2011



Malcolm Turnbeug posted:

I worked with a girl who would do the thumb in rear end thing. She wasn’t a stripper though, she was a well educated lady with a finance degree who moved to New York for her career, got really into bar tending there, switched careers, and moved back to Australia. It was weird bc it wasn’t an ongoing thing, just when you started there people would tell you she was gonna put her thumb just as far into your rear end as she could get through your clothes at some point in the first week of your employment. I thought they were joking and so did everyone I told about it that started working there after me no matter how much I insisted. I can’t imagine a dude doing this tbh bc the dude version of this is more or less just hitting each other in the balls really hard.

If they're asian there's a wierd thing called Kancho

Otherwise I think their brain might just be ruined? Like bad? Just a bad brain??

isaboo
Nov 10, 2002

I can destroy you


Prokhor Zakharov posted:

The worst job I ever had was as a strip club bouncer, I barely lasted a month

Yeah in my experience bouncing at a gentlemen's club is either terrible or pretty drat good but rarely in the middle.
College bars are terrible. Biker bars are usually just fine. Some music venues can get pretty bonkers depending on the dominant genre performed there. For a while I worked at some hardcore punk and underground clubs and those could get pretty dicey especially if the nazis showed up to gently caress with straightedge kids.

Farmer Crack-Ass
Jan 2, 2001

~this is me posting irl~


pahuyuth posted:

That's all fine and dandy; a regular getting a lap dance was no big deal except for the fact that Viper would let, or rather actually encourage, Crazy Leo to motorboat her tits.

This doesn't seem unusual to me

quote:

And on top of that, he would mumble "safe" and "Stella" louder than normal. Over and over while his face was buried in her tits. "SAFE" "mrmgshmfmh" "STELLA" "mumble mumbgrshmff" and so on.

this, on the other hand, is hilarious

DeadFatDuckFat
Oct 29, 2012

This avatar brought to you by the 'save our dead gay forums' foundation.


Bread Liar

Motherfucker posted:

If they're asian there's a wierd thing called Kancho

Lol Saca cacas

defaultluser
Jan 13, 2007

The person can drink sake for the following five reasons. First of all, for the national holiday. Moreover, it fills with the nectar. Finally, for reasons. Next, to heal the dryness of the place. After that, to refuse the future

Fun Shoe

Bring us the foul word of Scientology being struck down by a thumb up their butt!

I. M. Gei
Jun 26, 2005

I fear the man who has hit one dinger ten thousand times.




The only good scientologist is a dead one.

Lil Swamp Booger Baby
Feb 17, 2011

meat


OP I can't read or write can you do a reading of this for me.

ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015


I. M. Gei posted:

The only good scientologist is a dead one.

Carousel, renew, renew!

corgski
Feb 6, 2007



I spent a summer working under the table cleaning a strip club that my best friend worked the cash exchange counter at.

The dancers were great people but dudes need to learn to clean up their own jizz rags.

Hirez
Feb 3, 2003

Weber scored 49 points?



nice a literal jizz mopper itt; maybe you shouldn't have been under the table so much

Well What Now
Nov 10, 2016

Things keep happening, and I want it to stop.


Shredded Hen

get to the part where the crippling thing happens

corgski
Feb 6, 2007



Hirez posted:

nice a literal jizz mopper itt; maybe you shouldn't have been under the table so much

idk bro the tips were huge

Malcolm Turnbeug
Mar 21, 2018



Motherfucker posted:

If they're asian there's a wierd thing called Kancho

Otherwise I think their brain might just be ruined? Like bad? Just a bad brain??

Could be either, she was ethnically Asian but very much Aussie as hell. This wasnít too long after a famous Aussie footballer got suspended for getting a finger up other players bums during scrums so that is another entirely possible vector. Either way itís still a broken brain bc wtf makes that seem like a good idea.

In my mind the only way to parse it was that aggressive sexual harassment in the work place had been so bad for her that figuring out a way to achieve a similar power was the only way to cope

Malcolm Turnbeug fucked around with this message at 06:45 on Jan 10, 2020

SilvergunSuperman
Aug 6, 2010



Now this is a thread, hot diggity.

isaboo
Nov 10, 2002

I can destroy you


Well What Now posted:

get to the part where the crippling thing happens

I guess that will be chapter 3. First I have to introduce you to Bryan, the roommate. He sets all the Scientology and crippling stuff in motion. I gotta draw up the pictures for chapter 2.

Well What Now
Nov 10, 2016

Things keep happening, and I want it to stop.


Shredded Hen

Malcolm Turnbeug posted:

This wasnít too long after a famous Aussie footballer got suspended for getting a finger up other players bums during scrums so that is another entirely possible vector. Either way itís still a broken brain bc wtf makes that seem like a good idea.

John Hopote or something, wasn't it? That dude and his anal antics are literally the only thing I know about Australian soccer

Malcolm Turnbeug
Mar 21, 2018



He was a rugby league player, not a soccer player and your spelling is a little off but yeah John hopoate is the dude Iím referring to although apparently that was not the first time it has happened, just tge first time it was called out, according to the league of referees I used to serve piss to

Malcolm Turnbeug
Mar 21, 2018



OP titty bar bouncers are bartenders heroís and I look forward to the rest of the thread and apologise for derailing with my weird poo poo

Grevling
Dec 18, 2016



I enjoyed the beginning of OP's story and the personal stories of rear end harassment, looking forward to more.

Peachfart
Jan 21, 2017



This is pure GBS from 2004, and for once I mean that in a good way. Good thread.

fish and chips and dip
Feb 17, 2010


Yeah, I'm now invested in this story. Hope OP continues!

isaboo
Nov 10, 2002

I can destroy you


Peachfart posted:

This is pure GBS from 2004, and for once I mean that in a good way. Good thread.

haha. I think the last time I created a thread in GBS was in 2004 or so and it was of similar substance and style but I don't have archives so I can't be sure. I miss the days of BigPeeler and Waterman and the dude in Louisiana that dug a big hole and also shot wild boars and all their ridiculous MSPaint stuff. I guess nowadays it's Paint3D instead. I have a million stories and thought this one might be fun to do that sort of thing with.

isaboo fucked around with this message at 09:12 on Jan 10, 2020

Booty Pageant
Apr 20, 2012


woah sick mspaints is this a cyoa??
>go left

Sekenr
Dec 12, 2013




Pls go on, op

Prokhor Zakharov
Dec 31, 2008
Good luck with your depression!


pahuyuth posted:

Yeah in my experience bouncing at a gentlemen's club is either terrible or pretty drat good but rarely in the middle.
College bars are terrible. Biker bars are usually just fine. Some music venues can get pretty bonkers depending on the dominant genre performed there. For a while I worked at some hardcore punk and underground clubs and those could get pretty dicey especially if the nazis showed up to gently caress with straightedge kids.

I honestly didn't mind being a bouncer for some things (although it was seriously not for me) but the strip club was by far the worst. The patrons all hated me because they wanted to touch the dancers and john, the girls all hated me because they wanted tips for touches (and to turn tricks), literally the only people on my side were the bartenders and wait staff.

Chrs
Sep 21, 2015



Post chapter 2

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Chrs
Sep 21, 2015



Peachfart posted:

This is pure GBS from 2004, and for once I mean that in a good way. Good thread.

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