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Quackles
Aug 11, 2018

Pixels of Light.



r/relationships: whocummit

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ekuNNN
Nov 27, 2004





a fatguy baldspot posted:

Where do y’all spit if not the sink or toilet??? On the floor LIKE ANIMALS?

Sisal Two-Step
May 29, 2006

mom without jaw
dad without wife


yikes! posted:

anyone else want to let us know you don't spit before i finish compiling The List Of Virtuous Goons

I will never spit. I can't give up my precious fluids.

PHIZ KALIFA
Dec 21, 2011
ABS THUNDERSKULL.

element: thunderbolts.

steed: a thunderbolt.

slogan/motto: "gonna clap them cheeks like a Thunderskull."


lmao at the buffoons feeding their genetic data to Big Toilet. soon their army of gross sewer worms will rise up and infest the buttholes of all of those too cowardly to poo poo in jars they bury behind the Piggly Wiggly. once your assbrain is taken over by huge gobs of wriggling terror-worms, ahahaha, what a laugh i shall have at all! ahaha! aahahahahahahahahahah!

Johnny Truant
Jul 22, 2008





yikes! posted:

anyone else want to let us know you don't spit before i finish compiling The List Of Virtuous Goons

spit.txt is shaping up nicely

limp_cheese
Sep 9, 2007

japanese hardcore sex videos fotos los simpson porn16 yrs old porn I NEVER ACTUALLY FACEFUCKED A DEER I JUST brandy ledford nude pics SAID I DID, IT WAS A CLEVER JOKE


This talk about weird things happening in bathrooms and bad dates made me think of this unbelievable gem.

https://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=143470033&s=f35a4ecbe27fa32181e2ddbd5a93358c&p=855404373&viewfull=1#post855404373

Malodrax posted:


Alright...I don't care if you guys believe me ... it's real. This is the the most embarassing thing that I've ever experienced... it was a horrible night for me.. and I'm sharing it with you guys because I don't want any of my misc brahs to have to go through this.. especially since it all could have been EASILY prevented. I have added MS paint images so that you have a better idea as to what happened. It's very long, but I'll do my best to recount all of the important details. no ****ing cliffs..... read it to save yourself from something like this...

Anyway...
If you've been following my social anxiety thread you would have learned that I got an asian girls number during my last update (the encounter wasn't recorded unfortunetely because my Camera froze). But anyway, it's been over a week and I was feeling like taking a break from exam studying, and I figured that if I didn't call her before exams were done then I wouldn't get a chance to see her until after the break (which would be too long perhaps). So I called her up and asked her if she wanted to take a break from studying and meet me for coffee. Well she said yes, and we met at a campus cafe. We had some small talk, and it went well overall. After that she said "hey my roomate is making some chinese food for dinner because her boyfriend is over, would you like to come by and try some? she usually makes way more than needed". Now at that point I felt like I had to take a sh!t, but there was no way I could turn down this opportunity; it seemed like she was into me and this would be a great opportunity to get to know each other further. So I decided to try and hold my crap as long as possible (I don't crap in public toilets) and accept her invitation.

Well we went back to her place, had some food (very good btw)... and ****... I had to take take a sh!t really badly... and I also had to take a piss really badly (I had been holding that too since I didn't bring my pee bottles with me to the date)... I really didn't want to use her washroom because I didn't want stink the place up... but it became so unbearable to the point where I could feel the turd popping out of my rectum.. to make matters worse I was actually starting to get an erection (I'm not sure why.. but that's what happened). So I rushed to the washroom... and thus begins the worst possible scenario imagineable.

I pull down my pants step up to the toilet and I am then faced with an ominous predicament; I have to extremely badly take BOTH a pee AND a POO.... AND I have an erection.... what the **** do I do? Which do I do first??

So I bend over and try to push my erected penis down a bit to pee into the can... but as I relax my pelvic floor muscles to release the urine.. I feel my turd start to come out at the same time!

So then I'm like "fuk this... I'll just try and hold the pee and let the poo come out"... so I sit on the can... grasp my penis hard to try and "block" it... and I then tried to let the crap come out....that didn't work so well...

As I relaxed my anal sphincters... my pelvic floor muscles relaxed as well and piss started flying all over the floor... I started panicking at this point... so I desperately held my crap again, while I attempted to shove/bend my erect penis into the toilet. Once it was in... I tried take the piss and crap at the same time, but my rear end was too far out and this massive turd started flying out missing the bowl, landing partially on the back rim and partially on the floor.

I then closed everything off again (you can't imagine the pain of repeatedly blocking yourself from peeing and pooing when you have go so badly)... wtf was I supposed to do? I either pee on her floor or poo on her floor....then out of sheer desperation and instinct an idea popped into my head:

I ran into her bathtub and let myself go there... I figured that at least this way I could rinse it all down instead of getting sh!t on her floor....

At that point things get even worse...

The turd wouldn't ****ing dissolve... and the drat bish was asking me wtf I'm doing showering in her washroom....

I then answer "yea lol... I'm showering... is that ok?"...

she says: what the hell? why?? you don't think we're having sex do you???

At this point I can't even think straight and I jokingly (retardedly) say: yes we are lol

she then gets mad and says: wtf? is this some kind of joke... get out of there!!

I say: no please don't come in... I'm not done yet...

At this point the hot water I was using to try and dissolve my sh!t was releasing sh!t smelling vapours all over the room.. and it was pretty rancid... the girl could smell it and she said: "why the hell does it smell so ****ing bad? What the hell are you doing in there???"

I say: please don't come in... trust me.. you'll regret it...

she says: **** this... get out now or I'm unlocking the door..

I beg her not too... but she loses her patience and then opens the door. She stops dead in her tracks. There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal residue on my rear end,large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the can... I was so ****ing embarassed... I started shivering... she looks at me while covering her mouth and nose and whispers... "wtf did you do???"...she was starting to cry... I hesitate for a bit and I try to explain myself "I tried my best ... I... I'm sorry"... She then flips out and tells me to clean up the mess or she's calling the cops. I agree to do it.

She leaves, and I grap some toilet paper... pick up the turds from the floor and bathtub, toss them in the can, and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water and alot of tissues. I tossed most of the tissues into her toilet bowl (the garbage was full eventually). I then took some perfume from the counter and tossed into the bathtub to get rid of odour. After I was done I cleaned my rear end off and flushed the toilet. To my utmost dismay, my massive fecal matter bulk and the large amount of TP unded up clogging the toilet and it overflowed and started spilling crap all over the floor... I'm literally crying at that point... I look for the plunger but I couldn't find it so I put my pants on and rushed out to ask her if she had a plunger so I could fix the toilet...I see her with her roommate and her roommates bf... she's crying... as soon as she sees me she tells me to gtfo right now... I try to explain that the toilet is clogged... but she doesn't let me ... she says she feels threatened and she wants me out now... she graps a knife from the drawer and tells me to leave... I leave.

about a minute later I hear this loud scream coming from her dorm room (I assumed she went back to the washroom to see it covered in poo water). At that point I sprinted away as fast as possible, while swearing at myself and crying tears of frustration and embarrasment.

All of this could have ****ing been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottles!!! WTF?!?! The FIRST girl that shows interest in me.. I have to go and **** in her bathtub???? This is ****ing retarded (yes mad).

to all you people saying "peeing in bottles is stupid/gross"... well **** that... not only is it more convenient and cleaner, but it also prevents epic disaters like this one....

This is what WOULD have happened if I had my trustee pee bottle... I would have on sat on the can and then simultaneosly peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster... no mess.... and none of this would have happened.

anyway... should I let things cool off for a bit and call her back? maybe to apologize/explain myself? or should i just hope I never run into her again?

Edit. It is truly a crime that the MSPaints didn't survive.

limp_cheese fucked around with this message at 17:13 on Apr 8, 2021

Bright Bart
Apr 27, 2020

False. There is only one electron and it has never stopped.

I visited a buddy's family in the States once and they had been having an issue with the local HOA. Apparently there were rules about what you could and could not have planted out on your front lawn. This was over a decade ago so I don't know if I remember correctly but I think the wording was something like "Front lawns shall be planted with grass (of green color, properly cared for and never longer than 3 cm high), X shrubs, Y plants, Z bushes or they will not be planted at all."

Their solution? Note the last part of the above and have everything dug up, grass included. This left the front a square of upturned soil. Ugly but still technically within the rules.

As I recall the stalemate had been going on for some time: the family didn't cover the lawn with grass and the HOA didn't let them re-plant what they wanted.

Bright Bart
Apr 27, 2020

False. There is only one electron and it has never stopped.

limp_cheese posted:

This talk about weird things happening in bathrooms and bad dates made me think of this unbelievable gem.

Am I being a gatekeeper if I suggest that considering a call to a person for whom you drew a horror scene in your excrement and social anxiety might be mutually exclusive?

Pope Corky the IX
Dec 18, 2006

What are you looking at?

Now I remember why I always have my pee bottles with me.

BOOTY-ADE
Aug 30, 2006

BIG KOOL TELLIN' YA'LL TO KEEP IT TIGHT


Theophany posted:

If they're not dressed up to be spooky, are they really halloween decorations? Like they're just dead mannequins at that point.

Now I want clothing stores to dress up skeletons for displays, I'd shop at a place like that without hesitation

Wolfsbane
Jul 29, 2009

What time is it, Eccles?



Sisal Two-Step posted:

AITA for telling my neighbor that I'd do what she asked, but I'd let people know why?

Why do HOAs hate fun.

My neighbour (Sergeant in the Royal Marines) collects teddy bears, and the lockdown seems to have been what he's been waiting for all his life. There have been human sized teddy bears acting out dioramas in his front garden every day for the last year or so. It's mostly been great, except that the visitors occasionally include creepy men who stare in our front window. Mostly it's cute kids though.

Arsenic Lupin
Apr 11, 2012

This particularly rapid unintelligible patter isn't generally heard, and if it is, it doesn't matter.





My (31f) family is upset with me for getting the Covid vaccine pregnant.

The post is dull, but I admit I did a triple-take at the title.

Pope Corky the IX
Dec 18, 2006

What are you looking at?

COVID Babies, you make our dreams come true...

Tarkus
Aug 27, 2000

Finally...

Arsenic Lupin posted:

My (31f) family is upset with me for getting the Covid vaccine pregnant.

The post is dull, but I admit I did a triple-take at the title.

Now that's some powerful seed!

Batterypowered7
Aug 8, 2009

The mist that chills you keeps me warm.



Pope Corky the IX posted:

There was that and also the guy that wiped his rear end with his girlfriend’s bath towels and threw them in the tub.

Remember the girlfriend that would wipe with socks?

teen witch posted:

Why is spitting like casually a thing??? Cis men answer for your nasty rear end crimes, y’all’s salivary glands broke?

Do Zoomers spit a lot? My pet theory is that a lot of kids grew up watching cartoon characters chew tobacco (or gum as if it was tobacco) and just picked up the spitting from there.

BOOTY-ADE
Aug 30, 2006

BIG KOOL TELLIN' YA'LL TO KEEP IT TIGHT


Barudak posted:

I am unreasonably mad at this person who is so loving stupid he didn't immediately rush home and tell his wife "we need to make more sandwiches, these fuckin idiots are giving me 15 bucks a pop"

Considering he did this whole thing to spite his wife & keep eating fast food, I highly doubt he'd have told her let alone share any of the money he made

Ches Neckbeard
Dec 3, 2005



Arsenic Lupin posted:

My (31f) family is upset with me for getting the Covid vaccine pregnant.

The post is dull, but I admit I did a triple-take at the title.

I mean there isn't testing data in pregnant people (last I heard) but yeah it's probably safe.

MarcusSA
Sep 23, 2007




Grimey Drawer

Ches Neckbeard posted:

I mean there isn't testing data in pregnant people (last I heard) but yeah it's probably safe.

I just came to post this actually.

I know of at least 3 women who I've spoken with who are holding off till there is more data. 1 of which wanted to get pregnant soon but is waiting till she knows more. It is probably safe yeah but I can see why people would be cautious with it.

SpaceViking
Sep 2, 2011

Who put the stars in the sky? Coyote will say he did it himself, and it is not a lie.


Arsenic Lupin posted:

My (31f) family is upset with me for getting the Covid vaccine pregnant.

The post is dull, but I admit I did a triple-take at the title.

I think that's just a Chuck Tingle book.

"Handsome Covid Vaccine Impregnated by T-Rex Lawyer, Upsetting T-Rex Family."

The Diddler
Jun 22, 2006



Smirking_Serpent posted:

WIBTA if I end a friendship over a scone?

I know we've all moved on to spitting, but I really liked this part:

quote:

Jonah: I just want to tell you that I am a person who can put almost anything back together. If you give me all of the pieces Jonah: I don’t feel like all of the prices are being given here

Where he admitted that this scone is not the first thing he couldn't reassemble but he's still very hung up on this broken scone

MightyJoe36
Dec 29, 2013

Cat Army


Straight White Shark posted:

The ballistics are all wrong. You would have us believe that this is some kind of magic splooge that could change trajectory mid-flight to veer over and hit the hand towel? No, there is only one possibility: there was a second cumman on the grassy knoll.

r/relationships: there was a second cumman on the grassy knoll

MightyJoe36 fucked around with this message at 18:33 on Apr 8, 2021

The GOP Delusion
Sep 10, 2010

The security of Israel is a moral imperative for all free peoples.


limp_cheese posted:

This talk about weird things happening in bathrooms and bad dates made me think of this unbelievable gem.

https://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=143470033&s=f35a4ecbe27fa32181e2ddbd5a93358c&p=855404373&viewfull=1#post855404373


Edit. It is truly a crime that the MSPaints didn't survive.

They can be found here - I think these are the originals.
https://ifunny.co/picture/worst-possible-date-ever-alright-1-don-t-care-if-yO0VDblL2

Arsenic Lupin
Apr 11, 2012

This particularly rapid unintelligible patter isn't generally heard, and if it is, it doesn't matter.





Ches Neckbeard posted:

I mean there isn't testing data in pregnant people (last I heard) but yeah it's probably safe.
Yeah, but the mother-in-law (if you search, and I don't think it's worth it) is calling OP a bad mother, as are multiple other members of the family. OP's doctor says she's fine, and OP also points out the higher risk of dying from COVID when pregnant.

MightyJoe36
Dec 29, 2013

Cat Army


MarcusSA posted:

I just came to post this actually.

I know of at least 3 women who I've spoken with who are holding off till there is more data. 1 of which wanted to get pregnant soon but is waiting till she knows more. It is probably safe yeah but I can see why people would be cautious with it.

Yeah, I remember years ago when they used to tell pregnant women not to get a flu shot. Now they tell them they should get one.

Ches Neckbeard
Dec 3, 2005



Arsenic Lupin posted:

Yeah, but the mother-in-law (if you search, and I don't think it's worth it) is calling OP a bad mother, as are multiple other members of the family. OP's doctor says she's fine, and OP also points out the higher risk of dying from COVID when pregnant.

Well going that far yeah those people can gently caress off. I can understand family expressing reservations but that's way over the line.

Emily Spinach
Oct 20, 2010

hisssssssssss





Yeah, there isn't much data, although the vsafe survey data hasn't shown any reported excessive or abnormal side effects for pregnant folks who've participated, but really it's a personal choice between the pregnant person and their medical provider (and partner if they want).

Personally I used the vaccine to tell my sibs I'm pregnant, since we were talking about eligibility and scheduling in the family group chat. Something like "I'll be getting it soon, just wanted to wait until I was in the second trimester."

teen witch
Oct 9, 2012




MightyJoe36 posted:

r/relationships: there was a second cumman on the grassy knoll

It was just changed but know if I would, this.

a fatguy baldspot
Aug 29, 2018



Wasn’t there a baby born recently with the antibodies, since his mom got the shot? Does he get to keep them??

SiKboy
Oct 28, 2007

Oh no!



a fatguy baldspot posted:

Wasn’t there a baby born recently with the antibodies, since his mom got the shot? Does he get to keep them??

Sadly as soon as they came into contact with regular bodies they obliterated each other, releasing a huge amount of energy.

MarcusSA
Sep 23, 2007




Grimey Drawer

a fatguy baldspot posted:

Wasn’t there a baby born recently with the antibodies, since his mom got the shot? Does he get to keep them??

No they have to return them after 90 days or they start racking up late fees.

Johnny Truant
Jul 22, 2008





SiKboy posted:

Sadly as soon as they came into contact with regular bodies they obliterated each other, releasing a huge amount of energy.

lmfao

haveblue
Aug 15, 2005




Toilet Rascal

The baby has been sued by Pfizer for patent infringement

limp_cheese
Sep 9, 2007

japanese hardcore sex videos fotos los simpson porn16 yrs old porn I NEVER ACTUALLY FACEFUCKED A DEER I JUST brandy ledford nude pics SAID I DID, IT WAS A CLEVER JOKE



Oh sweet god thank you! My god its more beautiful than I ever imagined. They should have sent a poet.

Malcolm Excellent
May 20, 2007





Buglord

teen witch posted:

It was just changed but know if I would, this.

Easter is over! Do it!!!

Pope Corky the IX
Dec 18, 2006

What are you looking at?

Semi-anal egg hunt or I burn this place to the ground.

The Maroon Hawk
May 9, 2008


There is some emerging data suggesting the vaccines are safe for pregnant women, but it's very recent and scant data so far, so I wouldn't blame anybody for hesitating until more is known.

Shaming someone for getting it after getting the all-clear from their doc is stupid, though

kaschei
Oct 25, 2005



I’m cu

The Bramble
Mar 16, 2004



Weights lifted

quote:

Hey Reddit!

So around my apartment building there's construction work going on right now and there's lots of drilling, noise, pounding and so on. A few days ago I got an email from my landlord that the construction workers are going to be coming in my apartment to drill new ventilation holes in the walls of my kitchen and the bedroom. At that moment I got a little scared that oh god strangers are going to see the mess I've made of the apartment.

To get to the point... over the 4 years I've lived in this apartment I had accumulated a habit to leave the beer cans on the floor in my bedroom where I also have my PC situated on the desk.
So imagine the floor covered in beer cans where you can hardly locate the floor to step on to go to the other room. Furthermore I do a lot of shisha... so in my kitchen I used to heat up coals for the shisha on my gas stove.... it also was a mess... furthermore I had dishes in the sink I had not washed for 5 months (really nasty)

So what happened you might ask.
Just one day before the construction workers were supposed to come to the apartment... I decided to CLEAN up.
And you know what, I did.
Took me 3 hours to get the kitchen in order, clean up the stove from all the ash and soot from burning all those shisha coals for the past 3 years, clean up the floor and an additional 3 hours to gather all the beer cans from the bedroom and throw them all to the trash container outside.
What struck me the hardest was that to see a homeless person dumpster diving 11PM that night... picking up all the beer cans I threw away...

So what is it about weights being lifted? Well I'll tell you, 1,5 years ago I broke up with my girlfriend for various reasons and from that point on I found comfort in lazy behavior and booze, whether it'd be beer or something stronger. Until yesterday, when I cleaned up all the mess, I really felt at this point that now I've thrown away the past.
So here I'd like to say that when I cleaned up the mess I'd created (literally) I felt joy, made me realize that I can move on.

Thanks for your time.

Quackles
Aug 11, 2018

Pixels of Light.


The Bramble posted:

Weights lifted

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Motronic
Nov 6, 2009


MOTRONIC FOR MODERATOR, MAKE AI GREAT AGAIN


Grimey Drawer

The Bramble posted:

Weights lifted

....Furthermore I do a lot of shisha... ....


Okay, WTF is that?

quote:

In a typical shisha session (about 1 hour), a shisha smoker can inhale the same amount of toxins as a cigarette smoker consuming over 100 cigarettes.

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