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ThingOne
Jul 30, 2011



Would you like some tofu?




Salad Prong

Boba Fett lost his balls escaping the Sarlacc.

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StashAugustine
Mar 24, 2013

Do not trust in hope- it will betray you! Only faith and hatred sustain.









Jazerus posted:

He's got his own planet,
Although it's kind of wild.
Wookiees love him.
Women love him.
He's got a winning smile!
Though he may seem cool and cocky,
He's more sensitive than he seems,

Han Solo,
What a man! Solo.
He's every Princess's dream!

composed and performed by noted artist C-3PO

This same book also features Han using a date rape gun on Leia

Zoran
Aug 19, 2008

I lost to you once, monster. I shall not lose again! Die now, that our future can live!


Jose Oquendo posted:

Corran Horn, when the hackiest writer literally combines Luke and Han to create the ultimate Mary Sue character.

That said, the X-wing books are fun. Corran Horn could have been removed from them and they'd still be an ok read.

I liked that Corran was hopeless with telekinesis though. Made for some fun moments when he had to work around it

Basically Corran is better in I, Jedi than he is in the rogue squadron books

Tsed
Jan 30, 2008

aaaaag drugs







Hazo posted:

Horse





Pilot







was this darkstryder

because it looks like darkstryder

silvergoose
Mar 18, 2006

IT IS SAID THE TEARS OF THE BWEENIX CAN HEAL ALL WOUNDS



StashAugustine posted:

This same book also features Han using a date rape gun on Leia

That book is so bad

I don't understand what the rope snake thing was, either

Casu Marzu
Oct 20, 2008

SHUT
THE
FUCK
UP!
BIIITCH!




Pick posted:

Chewbacca was killed by a moon falling on him

gently caress that. I really enjoyed reading the EU in all its trashy glory until that happened. The whole yuzzan vong plot was dumb and bad. Wasn't there also a older star wars book with ~~~ outside the galaxy~~~ aliens and they were just dinosaurs that powered their ships with some life essence bullshit?

Also the whole bug trilogy and the bug orgy with han solo's daughter

StashAugustine
Mar 24, 2013

Do not trust in hope- it will betray you! Only faith and hatred sustain.









han and leia's kids get absorbed by a bug hivemind and have telepathic group sex with giant centipedes

efb

Casu Marzu
Oct 20, 2008

SHUT
THE
FUCK
UP!
BIIITCH!




Also the Solo kids thought a good Mother's Day present for Leia would be to go snag a boulder from the blown up bits of Alderaan

ThingOne
Jul 30, 2011



Would you like some tofu?




Salad Prong

IG-88 took over the second Death Star and used it to prank the Emperor.

Casu Marzu
Oct 20, 2008

SHUT
THE
FUCK
UP!
BIIITCH!




The storm trooper guy from as new hope that is all "look sir, droids" was apparently a guy that all by himself figured out that AT-ATs were a dumbass design when he was training in them and had his AT-AT kneel down so it wouldn't get tripped and instead of being rewarded for pointing out the weakness, the dude in charge kept it classified and shipped him off to Tatooine.

Oh also the same guy is responsible for everyone being able to leave on the Millennium Falcon in a new hope cuz he shot his officer in the back.

Casu Marzu
Oct 20, 2008

SHUT
THE
FUCK
UP!
BIIITCH!




An actual other Corran Horn fact. He was imprisoned in a imperial whatever and it ends up it's actually a Super Star Destroyer built into the cityscape of coruscant, upside down though so no one can escape cuz if they go up they actually go down and when the Super Star Destroyer is turned on it kills like 7 Milllion people that were living in the buildings on top of and surrounding it

silvergoose
Mar 18, 2006

IT IS SAID THE TEARS OF THE BWEENIX CAN HEAL ALL WOUNDS



Casu Marzu posted:

An actual other Corran Horn fact. He was imprisoned in a imperial whatever and it ends up it's actually a Super Star Destroyer built into the cityscape of coruscant, upside down though so no one can escape cuz if they go up they actually go down and when the Super Star Destroyer is turned on it kills like 7 Milllion people that were living in the buildings on top of and surrounding it

Also there's a mini blaster hidden in the complete history of corvis minor...I think that's the name. Anyway in every single copy of that book.

Though I think that was first written in the thrawn trilogy when Mara was in the imperial palace.

Hazo
Dec 30, 2004

SCIENCE





StashAugustine posted:

This same book also features Han using a date rape gun on Leia
Quotin myself from the Mandalorian thread

Hazo posted:

No Leia starts to fall for the prince but Han goes on a jealous booze-fueled sabacc bender until he wins a planet, then kidnaps Leia to it and Stockholms her into loving him while Luke and the prince team up to find them and they all ride rancors and Luke gets kidnapped by a hot young witch who eventually marries the prince and the evil main witch makes Han’s teeth explode.

That book owns. burn the EU

Casu Marzu
Oct 20, 2008

SHUT
THE
FUCK
UP!
BIIITCH!




Oh poo poo I forgot about that whole Han's teeth explode cuz there's Real Actual Force Witches on Dathomir. The Real Actual Force Witches also rode rancors cuz why not.

ThingOne
Jul 30, 2011



Would you like some tofu?




Salad Prong

Corran Horn was also the guy with the super special lightsaber that could change its length up to 3 meters.

Zoran
Aug 19, 2008

I lost to you once, monster. I shall not lose again! Die now, that our future can live!


ThingOne posted:

Corran Horn was also the guy with the super special lightsaber that could change its length up to 3 meters.

no it was one of the other apprentices in the Jedi academy books who built the first one and also turned evil. Corran attempted to build a super special adjustable one in I, Jedi but he accidentally used bad crystals and one of them blew up, so he went with a regular size

Casu Marzu
Oct 20, 2008

SHUT
THE
FUCK
UP!
BIIITCH!




Zoran posted:

no it was one of the other apprentices in the Jedi academy books who built the first one and also turned evil. Corran attempted to build a super special adjustable one in I, Jedi but he accidentally used bad crystals and one of them blew up, so he went with a regular size

That was Gantoris. The Great Sith Lord Exar Kun taught him how to make it cuz he was a dark force ghost inside the temple on Yavin 4.

Hazo
Dec 30, 2004

SCIENCE





ThingOne posted:

Corran Horn was also the guy with the super special lightsaber that could change its length up to 3 meters.
I thought that was the guy in the Jedi academy trilogy who got Force buffs from the ghost of Exar Kun (who haunts yavin 4) and turned evil and challenged Luke to a fight so he could show off his sick length-changing lightsaber apprentices shouldn’t be able to build. I cannot remember his name.

Edit: Gantoris
Edit 2: gently caress

CrazyLoon
Aug 10, 2015

"..."


Just wanted to post that I, too, remember that time Corran Horn mentioned loving an otter.

Jose Oquendo
Jun 20, 2004

At the end of 2018, a study was published by London Metropolitan University showing that certain bacteria, normally present only in intestinal tracts or feces, were found on McDonald's self-service screens.




Exar Cum

Roman Reigns
Aug 23, 2007



IG 88 installed himself on the second Death Star so he can use it blow up both fleets to kickstart the droid rebellion

Hazo
Dec 30, 2004

SCIENCE





Wes Janson (Wedge’s snowspeeder gunner from Empire) was a furry who hosed goat people

ThingOne
Jul 30, 2011



Would you like some tofu?




Salad Prong

Zoran posted:

no it was one of the other apprentices in the Jedi academy books who built the first one and also turned evil. Corran attempted to build a super special adjustable one in I, Jedi but he accidentally used bad crystals and one of them blew up, so he went with a regular size


Hazo posted:

I thought that was the guy in the Jedi academy trilogy who got Force buffs from the ghost of Exar Kun (who haunts yavin 4) and turned evil and challenged Luke to a fight so he could show off his sick length-changing lightsaber apprentices shouldn’t be able to build. I cannot remember his name.

Edit: Gantoris
Edit 2: gently caress

He definitely had a dual phase lightsaber. I remember he used it to stab a a Yuuzhan Vong in the eye in Dark Tide Part 1.

https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Corran_Horn%27s_lightsaber

quote:

It was a Dual-phase lightsaber, capable of increasing its length to three meters when twisted to bring its second set of crystals into alignment.

Because Corran Horn has to have all the special things.

Casu Marzu
Oct 20, 2008

SHUT
THE
FUCK
UP!
BIIITCH!




ThingOne posted:

He definitely had a dual phase lightsaber. I remember he used it to stab a a Yuuzhan Vong in the eye in Dark Tide Part 1.

https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Corran_Horn%27s_lightsaber


Because Corran Horn has to have all the special things.

well, poo poo




look how smug he is building that lightsaber

Mr Luxury Yacht
Apr 16, 2012




Casu Marzu posted:

Oh poo poo I forgot about that whole Han's teeth explode cuz there's Real Actual Force Witches on Dathomir. The Real Actual Force Witches also rode rancors cuz why not.

Rancor-riding force witches were a unit in Empire at War and I figured it was just some dumb poo poo they made up for that game alone lol.

cuntman.net
Mar 1, 2013




freedom nads

ThingOne
Jul 30, 2011



Would you like some tofu?




Salad Prong

Jabba the Hutt has given birth.

Up Circle
Apr 3, 2008


Casu Marzu posted:

gently caress that. I really enjoyed reading the EU in all its trashy glory until that happened. The whole yuzzan vong plot was dumb and bad. Wasn't there also a older star wars book with ~~~ outside the galaxy~~~ aliens and they were just dinosaurs that powered their ships with some life essence bullshit?

Also the whole bug trilogy and the bug orgy with han solo's daughter

yeah the lizard people were awesome though

George H.W. Cunt
Oct 6, 2010



Prince Xizor was the biggest goon fantasy with super intellect, swole body, and gently caress hormone spray and still managed to not have sex with leia

Riatsala
Nov 20, 2013

All Princesses are Tyrants



Hutts fight each other by slamming each other with their giant tails. Jabba was considered particularly fat, sedentary, and hedonistic for a Hutt.

FuturePastNow
May 19, 2014







You can tell from Leia's expression in both of these that she's wondering how her life got to this point

Brute Squad
Dec 20, 2006

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human race






CrazyLoon posted:

Just wanted to post that I, too, remember that time Corran Horn mentioned loving an otter.

not only loving an otter, but finding out afterwards that he was allergic to the otter, and the otter was allergic to him.

sexually transmitted hives.

CrazyLoon
Aug 10, 2015

"..."


Brute Squad posted:

not only loving an otter, but finding out afterwards that he was allergic to the otter, and the otter was allergic to him.

sexually transmitted hives.

That part actually gave it a sense of normalcy for me.

And those cringy lightsaber fights are a massive downgrade from the science fact of how Leia killed Jabba, even counting the skimpy outfit:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jfjs6Rglx08

CrazyLoon fucked around with this message at 20:26 on Jan 22, 2020

Shbobdb
Dec 16, 2010

by Reene


Dapper_Swindler posted:

also the lady in charge of death star prototype was Peter cushings gently caress toy and she eventually becomes president.

I thought he was a homosexual and had a stormtrooper rentboy?

Brute Squad
Dec 20, 2006

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human race






why not both?

Dapper_Swindler
Feb 14, 2012

Shitposting 24/7 without regrets. my parents would be proud.



Shbobdb posted:

I thought he was a homosexual and had a stormtrooper rentboy?

maybe he was bi. idk. he had a wife but she was some battleaxe from house Tagge and genuinely got upset when her hubby got vaporized. so she had a super laser built in his name.
https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Thalassa_Tarkin

Pikavangelist
Nov 9, 2016

There is no God but Arceus
And Pikachu is His prophet





StashAugustine posted:

han and leia's kids get absorbed by a bug hivemind and have telepathic group sex with giant centipedes

efb

Casu Marzu posted:

Also the Solo kids thought a good Mother's Day present for Leia would be to go snag a boulder from the blown up bits of Alderaan

said bug hivemind was native to alderaan

might be a connection, might not be

Dapper_Swindler
Feb 14, 2012

Shitposting 24/7 without regrets. my parents would be proud.



so han and leia have 3 kids. jason, jania and anakin.

anakin gets his face eaten on a sucide mission against the space aliens that are masochist/sadist japanese fuckers who use biological tech.

jason becomes an asetic, gets tortured, becomes one with the force, has a kid, becomes evil, murders lukes wife, than gets mirked.

jania is a womanchild whiles still 40.

Ringo Star Get
Sep 18, 2006

JUST FUCKING TAKE OFF ALREADY, SHIT


Pretty sure in one of the books, Lando Calrissian sets up a space go-kart course using TIE Bombers and the pilots fly through the floating debris of Alderaan.

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ThingOne
Jul 30, 2011



Would you like some tofu?




Salad Prong

Lando built a city that was carried on the backs of surplus AT-ATs so I could definitely see that.

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