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nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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cuntman.net posted:

the dead speak!

And they're voting Republican!

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nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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Warmachine posted:

I feel like "aggressively bland" is the best way to describe it. Also "this movie is beige." I felt nothing in the theater aside from the vague awkwardness of seeing a movie alone and being surrounded by strangers. ()


This too, but I managed to restrain myself to only rolling my eyes.

The first thirty minutes were so awkwardly fast I was exhausted by the time the movie slowed down when they got to Burning Man Planet. Then I just coasted through it feeling mild apathy until they revealed Rey was actually Palpy's granddaughter and Sheev Palpatine had sex at one point. Then I just felt sick and gross for the rest of the film because ruined one of the bests twists Star Wars ever did because men on Reddit screamed and cried about it for two years... AND I now have to live in a world where someone banged Palpatine.

Thanks JJ Abrams and Chris Terrio.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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And then they hooked him up to a giant hydraulic arm and he whipped around the set like a baby in a jolly jumper going weeeeee while Rey was trying to be all serious and poo poo.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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muscles like this! posted:

The funniest part was Kylo being all "remember how I said they were nobodies? Well... they totally weren't but we're going to say they were even though it doesn't make any sense to word it that way and this is an extremely blatant retcon."

"They sold you into slavery to... protect... you...? Are you buying any of this, or should I keep going?"

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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zoux posted:

I haven’t seen it yet so what were his exact words walking it back, I find that choice to be super disappointing because Kylo's whole pitch to Rey, especially Driver's delivery of “say it...say it”, is some of my favorite acting in SW so to find out that was all lying in retrospect kills that scene. And it wasn't Kylo that said they were nobodys, it was Rey!

He says something to the effect of "Your parents were nobodies though. They became nobody to protect you." He literally says the bolded part. He uses the Obi-Wan "from a certain point of view" bullshit technicality to square the circle and try to hoodwink the audience.

It's amazingly dumb and you can practically see Adam Driver trying not to gag as he says it. They find a way to do both Rey and Kylo dirty at the same time by not just retconning her Big Thing in the story, but forcing Kylo to be the one to tell her this time instead of doing it like they did in TLJ and have her reach the conclusion on her own like a big girl.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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Doublestep posted:

didn’t he say that after it was already basically confirmed she’s a sheevbaby? i hate tros but i read that more as him trying to comfort her than him knowing all along and lying

I'm gonna be honest, Rise of Skywalker is kind of a scrambled mess of bad in my brain two months out now from seeing it so only the really pinnacle dumb poo poo bubbles up to the surface now, the finer details are lost in the mush. So gently caress if I know or care.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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chitoryu12 posted:

It's not as bad as Oscar Isaac's delivery of "Somehow...Palpatine returned." He just looks so loving done with this movie, like even Poe can't believe the script at this point.

That's been one of the silver linings of this madness. The joint interviews with Oscar Isaac and John Boyega where they want ramble about anything BUT Star Wars and when they're asked if they'd want to come back to do more movies or TV shows as Poe and Finn they both enthusiastically shout "NOPE! "

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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Smirking_Serpent posted:

remember when you had to play the fortnite special event to understand the opening credits of the ninth star wars movie lmao

THE DEAD GAME!

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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Doublestep posted:

the opening scrawl happened in fortnite and then the only way you know Kylo was on a terraformed mustafar at the beginning of the movie is if you played the Vader Immortal VR game that explains that mustafar was a lava planet due to a sith crystal and you destroyed it

And even that you can watch Palpy’s Fornite message on YouTube. It’s basically just ten seconds of Ian McDiarmid going “I’m back bitches, gently caress The Last Jedi!”

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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zoux posted:

Wait who are Rey's parents

Literally not important. The movie doesn't even tell you which one of them was Palpy's kid.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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Flavius Aetass posted:

lol what do you think

Even better, Luke's lightsaber is literally torn in two at the end of TLJ as a big giant unsubtle way of saying STOP OBSESSING OVER LUKE'S lovely LEGACY AND FORGE YOUR OWN, leading you to think Rey will begin Ep 9 with her own new saber like Luke does in Return of the Jedi.

And instead she just duct tapes Luke's saber back together again and uses it for 99% of the film, continuing to ape off his legacy.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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zoux posted:

It fell down a big hole into a gas giant.

There's a Star Wars kids book where someone finds Darth Vader's glove even though Luke burned his suit to ashes on Endor. It is treated as the same kind of mystical Mcguffin that Luke's saber is in the ST and I think it gets the same level of explanation for why its there in the plot too.

The Sequel Trilogy are just the Jedi Prince kids books made canon.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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Flavius Aetass posted:

i kinda feel the same way tbh

TROS wasn't great as a movie but it was a lot better than TLJ as a star wars story

See that's the thing. I'm largely just "eh, it was okay" about TLJ, but I can't stand ROS purely because it's a 2 hour temper tantrum that spends most of its runtime actively trying to wipe TLJ away instead of just taking a breath and figuring out how to end the story based on what TLJ left you with like a mature big boy writer would. You know, like Colin Trevorrow apparently did before they fired him.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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zoux posted:

I loving love TLJ, I love it more every time I see it, I'm in love with Kylo AND Rey in that movie and I read a bunch of early reviews of TROS that said "If you hated TLJ you'll love this and vice versa" and I thought "well surely it can't be that bad" and since I tend to like things and forgive shortcomings in things I like I figured I'd be fine with it but after reading about the story I'm kind of mad about it?

They tried to make the most centrist Star Wars movie ever and just made a film that pissed everyone off because people who liked TLJ thought it catered too much to angry Reddit men, and angry Reddit men thought it didn't cater to them enough even though they won and got TLJ retconned from their brain places by Disney fiat. It's like poetry, it rhymes.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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cams posted:

gently caress i just remembered the knights of ren, what a loving pile of poo poo rise of skywalker is

That little Han Solo shrug before Ben tools them all in four seconds was legit great though.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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A Gnarlacious Bro posted:

Put Laura dern as the main character in a good sci fi movie please

Jurassic Park is like right there man.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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Barudak posted:

Remember how in TROS you can suddenly just force heal peoples fatal wounds? Would have been neat if the Jedi of the past thousand years knew that.

Yeah, but the Jedi were all rear end in a top hat snobs. They probably did know how to do it, but were like "gently caress that I'm not wasting my life healing every sick person that I encounter. I've got sick flips and laser sword spins to do "

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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The Dark Side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be... bullshit.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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He's got that Palpa

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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The Community > QCS: Questions, Comments, Suggestions > Tell The Mods To Stop Posting About Palpatine’s Dick

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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Mooey Cow posted:

Not only are they not equipped with hyperdrive, they don't even have life support systems

Hey! An ejector seat can be considered a life support system if you think about it.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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CainFortea posted:

He produced Lost before any of those movies got directed by him.

That should have been the warning sign to maybe not let him touch stuff.

I wish he pulled his typical “start something with a whiz bang idea and then walk away from it and expect other people to fill in the all the mystery boxes he set up” thing like he did for all his TV shows on Star Wars. Dude was a master of handing poo poo off to other folks to finish because his ADD pushed him to start a new thing almost immediately. Too bad those folks all sucked too, but still.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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a.lo posted:

Into Darkness ain't so bad.

Into Darkness would have been fine if the villain was just some rando Section 31 guy instead of Khan and if they didn't do that stupid "Wrath of Khan, but in reverse" thing where Kirk gets killed by radiation and then brought back by magic science. That was dumb. Otherwise it was a passable Star Trek film.

Insurrection is also fine because it's a fun action movie dressed up like Star Trek and I haven't rewatched it since I was like 17 so whatever.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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I don't recall where he does it, but in one of his videos on something Dan Olson off-highhandedly refers to JJ Abrams once as Jajabarams and it's never left my brain and I hate him for it.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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2house2fly posted:

JJ: If only there was a place in Star Wars movies specifically designed for exposition that establishes the setting. Oh well.

THE DEAD SPEAK!

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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Don Dongington posted:

Hey thread what do we like more:

The fact that Palpatine's return was revealed in the opening crawl and they didn't even bother with any real build up or exposition;

Or

The fact that the 1991 Tom Veitch comic book series Dark Empire did the whole reborn emperor thing so much better?

Actually Palpatine's return was revealed in 1) the trIler for the movie and 2) Fortnite. The movie expects you to have witnessed either one of those two things, the first of which is already cropped from within the movie itself.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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Ghost Leviathan posted:

It's really hard to come up with a better 2019 punchline than the finale to the sequel trilogy requiring you to have played Fortnite to understand the plot.

Disney at the start of 2019: we're gonna make Fortnite be a plot point in our franchise ending blockbuster movie.

Disney at the end of 2019: we're gonna make a plot point to our franchise ending blockbuster movie be in Fortnite.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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Smirking_Serpent posted:

Star Wars Episode 16, Palpatine returns in an exclusive Twitch broadcast. The chat goes CRAZY!

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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SolarFire2 posted:

Ha, this is the guy who looked at the fact that Anakin's lightsaber is destroyed at the end of TLJ, and just has her fix it offscreen with what amounts to a band-aid.

I had to stifle a laugh when I saw the closeup of the literal space duct tape that was holding it together. That was the exact moment I knew the movie was going to be 90 minutes of erasing The Last Jedi at the expense of actually telling its own story.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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Farmer Crack-rear end posted:

thought i remembered hearing ages ago that ol' george said jedi can gently caress all they want, they're just not supposed to get into relationships

Something tells me that was in response to Jolee Bindo in KOTOR going "drat right I was a Jedi, had a wife and lost her and I didn't go crazy evil, because I dealt with it like a normal human being instead of being a weird space monk about it. The Jedi are dumb."

E: And Obi-Wan's Mandalorian girlfriend in Clone Wars.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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SidneyIsTheKiller posted:

Good god in 2015 I felt like I was going crazy because the whole public narrative at the time was "Was The Force Awakens too much like the old Star Wars? The line is drawn! Take your side now!" and I felt like the lone weirdo outsider who didn't think it was enough like the old Star Wars. I'd normally be more forgiving of the movie but it seemed like it had ONE job it took upon itself and that was "evoke Star Wars".

I love the loving dipshit whiplash public opinion tracking on the Sequel Trilogy. From The Force Awakens "IT'S TOO MUCH LIKE OLD STAR WARS, DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT" to The Last Jedi "IT'S TOO DIFFERENT, IT SCARES ME, FIX IT ABRAMS" and finally to Rise of Skywalker "NOT LIKE THI-HI-HI-HISSSSS"

The movies were a loving cartwheeling disaster fire, but an incredibly enthralling people-watching experience.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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Don Dongington posted:

Reylo was just the ending of titanic except in a universe where people can heal each other so it makes even less sense that they couldn't both make it out alive. Edit: Also the loving ST in general had a boner for making major characters die of exhaustion which is super loving boring. Throw a moon at them at least.

Reylo was one of the worst and grossest things in the ST and part of what I really liked about TLJ was Rey slowly coming to realize that Kylo Ren was toxic and salvageable as a person and straight up ing at the end of the movie and never looking back. Shame we never got that final movie in the trilogy, I would have loved watching Kylo Ren's spiral into conflicted madness as he tries to fill the void in his soul with more power and more evil and Rey, Finn, Poe and Rose have to team up to stop him for good because he's just too far gone.

Weird how for something marketed as the Sequel Trilogy only got two movies, but whatever. gently caress Star Wars.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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Zoran posted:

the really criminal thing is that nobody lost a hand. (snoke doesn’t count)

Phasma did in an alternate take on her fight with Finn in TLJ. That version included more character development for her and a more definitive death scene for her but Rian Johnson changed it because he thought JJ Abrams was going to use her in Ep 9 and well

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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nemesis_hub posted:

So what was the point of all the Threepio stuff? it’s just completely baffling ....what thematic, narrative or character development purpose did it serve? the movie feels a fever dream lmao

Not only was it walked back so non of it actually mattered but then D-O (who, as the kicker is voiced by JJ Abrams) straight up goes "I had the map to Exegol the whole time and could have saved you 3/4s of a movie's worth of running around".

JJ Abrams himself invalidates half the movie from inside the movie itself. The hackery is metatextual!

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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nemesis_hub posted:

Yours is the most coherent explanation for that subplot that I’ve seen, but then it’s played off as a joke and they kind of bully him into it? It also seems to contradict the theme of TLJ about reckless sacrifice being bad, but the thread title covers that

Also the Mandalorian came along a week later and did the "comic relief droid heroically sacrifices himself for the sake of his friends and their mission" bit WAY better AND stuck the landing on it perfectly, making the C-3PO subplot in ROS look that much more dumber and hollower in comparison.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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Should have leaned into it and had like eight of him running around at the same time.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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Give me a full loving Palpatine chorus line all doing synchronized high kicks to recruit Rey to the Dark Side. That would redeem the whole movie.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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reignofevil posted:

So..... Palpatine had a false reactor core installed in his office?

Surprise, it was a teleporter. He didn’t explode at the end of Jedi, it was an emergency beam out to the surface of Endor and he had to hoof it on foot to the nearest shuttle and hope he didn’t run into any Ewoks or Han and Leia before he got there.

nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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FunkyAl posted:


When will the story be told?

Here you go, kid. Fill your boots.

I'm more or less serious. JJ's first draft of TFA began with Luke's severed hand, still clutching the lightsaber drifting through space for no reason, and I think that's how The Glove of Darth Vader opens as well, only with, as you might expect, the Glove of Darth Vader rather than Luke's Hand.


The Sequel Trilogy is just a big budget and even sloppier adaptation of the Jedi Prince young readers book series.

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nine-gear crow
Aug 10, 2013

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Barudak posted:

Shes in all 3 films too. Its great

Wait, she was in Rise of Skywalker? lol I completely forgot about that.

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