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Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

Once the most anticipated event of the year, enthusiasm for the Royal Rumble (or The ROYAL loving RUMBLE! :supaburn: as it used to be known) has waned somewhat due to WWE well..... weakly waves hand at everything.... but in spite of everything I believe it's still gonna be a good time! Because if WWE doesn't make it so, then WE will make it so, goddammit!

The Rumble PPV itself starts at 7pm EST/4pm PST, there will presumably be a pre-show which usually starts anywhere from 1 - 2 hours before that time


The Fiend Bray Wyatt (C) vs. The Friend Daniel Bryan for the Universal Title:
After The Fiend dragged Daniel Bryan down beneath the ring and tore out chunks of his hair, Daniel Bryan stripped himself down to the bone, finally shaving his unkempt hair and beard and reverting to a look not seen in many years, seemingly turning back time to look almost exactly the same as he did in his latter ROH/early WWE years. A seemingly hyper-focused Bryan has reminded Bray Wyatt that he can be just as deranged and isn't intimidated in the slightest by his antics, and turned the tables on Bray by using Kane as a distraction to ambush Wyatt and tear out bits of HIS hair. Refusing to let Bray teleport hither and yon as he has a habit of doing (I love pro-wrestling), Bryan demanded a strap match for the title, meaning that he and Bray will be strapped together for the duration of their match. So now everybody is anticipating whether or not Bray can handle Daniel Bryan in a fair one-on-one fight, and if one of them will get strapped by the other. To help really build the anticipation for this, the go-home Smackdown show ended with... Bray Wyatt easily beating up Daniel Bryan in a fair one-on-one fight, then strapping him.


The Man Becky Lynch (C) vs. The Empress of Tomorrow Asuka for the Raw Women's Championship:
Since becoming The Man, Becky Lynch has had her ups and downs, but in storyline the one that haunts her is her loss to Asuka at last year's Royal Rumble. It was a very good match but Asuka's booking following that was rather anemic until they finally got behind her and Kairi as the Kabuki Warriors and together the two took great glee in beating Charlotte and then Becky in numerous combinations. The story being told now is that Becky feels that WWE has been keeping her away from defending her title against Asuka because they fear she can't beat her, and they want to keep the belt on her to market her The Man persona while taking away the fighting energy that made it work so well in the first place. Asuka for her part is just having a great ol' time dancing and making fun of Becky and declaring that she's going to beat her at the Rumble AGAIN. This stands a strong chance of being the absolute best singles match on the card.


Bayley (C) vs. Lacey Evans for the Smackdown Women's Championship:
This one the opposite. Lacey Evans turned face when <SCENE MISSING>, which to be fair was furthered when Bayley and Sasha were involved in an attack on her at ringside that upset her daughter. Since then Lacey has heroically ambushed Sasha from behind backstage, with the villainous Bayley despicably coming to the aid of her friend. Revolted at such wanton dedication to a close personal friend, WWE decreed that Bayley had to stand in for the cowardly Sasha who was pathetically using the fact she was too injured to compete as an excuse not to compete. Lacey won the match against Bayley, meaning now she gets a title shot. With any luck she'll nobly cheat to get an unfair advantage and steal the title from Bayley, who will evilly be trying to fight within the rules.


Roman Reigns vs. King Baron Corbin:
So Corbin keeps making fun of Roman Reigns for being a dog, right. Brings out a guy in a dogsuit, adds barks to Roman's theme music, smears dogfood all over Roman and everything. Well Roman wants his revenge for all these dog themed assaults on him, plus he's tired of Corbin constantly having his friends join in to attack Roman on his behalf. So given the strong dog themes in the feud AND the constant outside interference, Roman's only recourse was clear: A Falls Count Anywhere match!


Chad Gable vs. Sheamus:
Chad Gable is short. :lol: Like he's really, really short :laffo: He's like... the average height for an American male :laugh: Sheamus however is tall, and since Daniel Bryan is ALSO short and Sheamus' 18 second defeat of him is clearly 100% the only reason that Daniel Bryan ended up being a big star, the same will work here! In all seriousness though, Gable is an incredible wrestler and Sheamus can bring it in the ring, and so long as the booking/timing doesn't get in the way these two could have a great match.


Andrade (C) vs. Humberto Carrillo for the United States Championship:
This one is pretty straightforward. Humberto Carrillo and Andrade were in a gauntlet match to decide who would next challenge for Rey Mysterio's US title. Humberto won when Andrade refused to take part, meaning Humberto earned a US title shot and Andrade didn't. The next US Title shot went to Andrade and he won it. There are no more automatic rematches. Rey got an automatic rematch. Andrade defeated Rey thanks to interference by Zelina, meaning the victory was tainted and there was a reason for another rematch. Humberto Carrillo gets the title shot.

But nevermind all THAT bullshit, because this is what we all REALLY came to watch!


The Men's Royal Rumble:
2 men start the match. At timed intervals of 90 seconds (not always entirely strictly) the next competitor will come out until all 30 entrants have joined the match. Eliminations can happen at any time but ONLY by throwing a wrestler out over the top rope and BOTH his feet touching the floor. This year WWE Champion Brock Lesnar has entered at the #1 spot, but not put the title on the line. As a result, whoever throws Brock out stands a strong chance of getting a WWE title shot purely due to that fact. To date, 27 wrestlers have announced their intentions to enter the Rumble but only Brock's number is currently known: Brock Lesnar, Roman Reigns, AJ Styles, Erick Rowan, Randy Orton, Rey Mysterio, Ricochet, Drew McIntyre, Elias, King Corbin, Dolph Ziggler, Otis, Tucker, Rusev, Bobby Lashley, Aleister Black, Buddy Murphy, Braun Strowman, Shinsuke Nakamura, Seth Rollins, Kevin Owens, Samoa Joe, Kofi Kingston, BIG E, R-Truth (who also announced he was withdrawing?), John Morrison & The Miz.


The Women's Royal Rumble:
Exactly the same as the men's, so far only 7 women have outright declared their intention to be in the Rumble. This indicates this will be the "surprise" Rumble, with lots of unexpected entrants. Expect a lot of NXT talent, but maybe some surprise names from the past as well. So far confirmed entries are: Charlotte Flair, Alexa Bliss, Nikki Cross, Sarah Logan, Natalya, Carmella & Dana Brooke.

Jerusalem fucked around with this message at 06:39 on Jan 27, 2020

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Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

Every year we add on to the fun of the Royal Rumble with the Royal Rumble Roulette. People sign up (thanks to Drew McIntyre for running it this year) and are assigned a number and put into a team. Your job on this team is to UNCONDITIONALLY support your number up until the second they're thrown out. Doesn't matter who the wrestler is or how unlikely they are to win, from the start of the Rumble through to them coming out all the way to the moment they are either eliminated or win... you love this person, this person is your favorite, this person is GOING to win the Royal loving Rumble! Have fun with it, form strong team bonds, you too can know the mutual love of guaranteed Royal Rumble winner Erick Rowan!

I'm not going to force anybody to go through with this if they don't want to, but I deeply, deeply hope people take part and have fun with this. Forget about being cynical or scoring points and just have some fun and unconditionally support whoever your team's wrestler ends up being. Have fun with it!

This year the Roulette Teams were named after failed US Presidential Candidates, where a team name is not given, it is because none was picked by anybody on the team.

1 - George McGovern
A Salty Affair
uncurable mlady
Big Coffin Hunter
schwein11
John Dudebro

2 - Rufus King
UltimoDragonQuest
Faarky
Dias
Punch McLightning
Erebus

3 - William Henry Harrison
Dell-Zincht
Quantum of Phallus
NULL_SIGNAL
Astro7x

4 - Charles Evans Hughes
Biscats n Gravy
StarkRavingMad
Ragnarok the Red
Red is Dead
The Lord of Hats

5 - Hillary Clinton
is pepsi ok
Zeta Acosta
Jerusalem
Insertnamehere31
Bizarro Kanyon

6 - Al Gore
Pinche Rudo
ThePariah
Dr.Smasher
ArmyOfMidgets

7 - Horace Greeley
Custard Undies
TV Zombie
Abroham Lincoln
the escape goat
SalTheBard

8 - Walter Mondale
nonrev
IcePhoenix
Shinjobi
flashy_mcflash
Namtab

9 - Thomas Dewey
GenericMartini
MJeff
Kevino07
CBJSprague24

10 - Michael Dukakis
PUNKS DIET SODA
oldskool
Supreme Allah
Flight Bisque
alpha_destroy

11 - Winfield Scott Hancock
Ishin
WrasslorMonkey
Push El Burrito
Blaise330
achillesforever6

12 - Mitt Romney
Maigius
delfin
Luigi Thirty
HidaO-Win

13 - George Wallace
Evil Badman
Cavauro
RealFoxy
NienNunb
TheRico

14 - John Kerry
SatansOnion
ShakeZula
gdriley42
extradite THIS!
Riotgrrill

15 - Jesse Jackson
try the new taco place
yea ok
pen0r
Woodchip

16 - Robert La Folette
Artelier
illcendiary
Shawn Cotureier
Rick
Infidel Castro

17 - William Howard Taft
SamuraiFoochs
Little Mac
Armitage
Fentry
eric ciaramella

18 - Adlai Stevenson II
a new study bible!
YourHumbleMessiah
Sanguinia
Venomous

19 - Jimmy Carter
stab
IllegallySober
Molestationary Store
Fluffy Bunnies
RHX

20 - Bob Dole
Incessant Excess
Spikegal
Codependent Poster
BodyMassageMachine
Eat My Fuc

21 - Ross Perot
Dacap
Brokenogre
GLOSS
Procrastinator

22 - Richard Nixon
Hopkins FBI
Shoehead
Bard Maddox
HOT! New Memes
TTBF

23 - Barry Goldwater
Blasmeister
InsensitiveSeaBass
OFFICER LIGER
TriffTshngo
Spiderdrake

24 - Stephen Colbert
Senerio
Dango Bango
Sky Shadowing
Mekchu

25 - Gen. George B. McClellan
surf rock
Karmine
Petit Gregory
Hirez
Evil Canadian

26 - Alf Landon
No Irish Need Imply
PASS THE MASH
KungFu Grip
CarlCX
The Bee

27 - William Jennings Bryan
Drew McIntyre
MotU
BTF
fit em all up in there

28 - Theodore Roosevelt
NowonSa
Rarity
werty420
Zanael
ShadowedFlames

29
Hockles
Netsky
Manic_Misanthrope
Accident Underwater
thatguyclint

30 - Martin van Buren
Visual Basic Bitch
Do not even ask
21 Hoot Salute
Gumball Gumption

Jerusalem fucked around with this message at 06:38 on Jan 27, 2020

Cavauro
Jan 9, 2008

This is the worst royal rumble of my whole life

Lid
Feb 18, 2005

And the mercy seat is awaiting,
And I think my head is burning,
And in a way I'm yearning,
To be done with all this measuring of proof.
An eye for an eye
And a tooth for a tooth,
And anyway I told the truth,
And I'm not afraid to die.
H O R A T I O S E Y M O U R

Joey McChrist
Aug 8, 2005

i'm gonna watch the royal bumble later

DarkstarIV
Apr 6, 2010

OFFICIAL RACIST
Very sad Asuka is going to lose but I'll get over it as long as the Kabuki Warriors continue to be lovable troublemakers and hold onto the tag titles forever.

21 Hoot Salute
Feb 8, 2005

Night-time, turn around
Lonely is the city tonight
Night-time, all around
Lonely in the city tonight



I resubbed for this, please don't make me regret this WWE

spoiler: they will make me regret this

Astro7x
Aug 4, 2004
Thinks It's All Real
If it’s bad, you still get another takeover within 30 days. Two Takeovers for $10 is not bad

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

Added in the Roulette team information. A reminder:

Every year we add on to the fun of the Royal Rumble with the Royal Rumble Roulette. People sign up (thanks to Drew McIntyre for running it this year) and are assigned a number and put into a team. Your job on this team is to UNCONDITIONALLY support your number up until the second they're thrown out. Doesn't matter who the wrestler is or how unlikely they are to win, from the start of the Rumble through to them coming out all the way to the moment they are either eliminated or win... you love this person, this person is your favorite, this person is GOING to win the Royal loving Rumble! Have fun with it, form strong team bonds, you too can know the mutual love of guaranteed Royal Rumble winner Erick Rowan!

I'm not going to force anybody to go through with this if they don't want to, but I deeply, deeply hope people take part and have fun with this. Forget about being cynical or scoring points and just have some fun and unconditionally support whoever your team's wrestler ends up being. Have fun with it!

Procrastinator
Aug 16, 2009

what?


cant loving wait for number 21 to win both rumbles gently caress yeah

Incessant Excess
Aug 15, 2005

Cause of glitch:
Pretentiousness
What the hell, I specifically asked to be in Brock's team.

a cyborg mug
Mar 8, 2010



Incessant Excess posted:

What the hell, I specifically asked to be in Brock's team.

Don't worry one of the three surprises is Brock Lesnar entering the rumble a second time

surf rock
Aug 12, 2007

We need more women in STEM, and by that, I mean skateboarding, television, esports, and magic.
NUMBER 25 MOTHERFUCKERS



YOU DON'T WANT NONE OF THIS

gently caress THE CONFEDERACY, ALSO NUMBERS ONE THROUGH TWENTY-FOUR AND TWENTY-SIX THROUGH THIRTY

the escape goat
Apr 16, 2008

What a week it's been.
So much to talk about.
And so many things we can't talk about.

Settled in at the PPV watch party place with a booth and spicy chilaquiles. gonna be a good day.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

Hillary Clinton we will take the pain away, you didn't win in 2016 and you're not in the 2020 race, but you CAN win the 2020 Royal Rumble. We believe in you, Hill-dog!

Jerusalem fucked around with this message at 22:57 on Jan 26, 2020

JUNGLE BOY
Sep 23, 2019

i will not be giving money to the big trump fundraiser but i will be watching this i guess

Codependent Poster
Oct 20, 2003

Bob Dole is gonna win this Rumble. Bob Dole can't be stopped! Bob Dole.

JUNGLE BOY posted:

i will not be giving money to the big trump fundraiser but i will be watching this i guess

What's AEW and ROH got to do with the Rumble?

Cavauro
Jan 9, 2008

Cavauro
Jan 9, 2008

dude. this banana nut bread is so moist from all of the nut

DarkstarIV
Apr 6, 2010

OFFICIAL RACIST
I didn't sign up for the roulette because my job is to say "I am sorry Team [Insert Number Here] for your loss" every time their number comes out and its not a prominent talent.

Brokenogre
May 22, 2013

Lacey is really good actually
God i submitted Ross perot as a joke for team 21, oh well LETS GO EARS!

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

DarkstarIV posted:

I didn't sign up for the roulette because my job is to say "I am sorry Team [Insert Number Here] for your loss" every time their number comes out and its not a prominent talent.

:patriot:

Erebus
Jul 13, 2001

Okay... Keep your head, Steve boy...

Is Kobe going to get a 10 bell salute

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

Does anybody from Team 29 or Team 15 want to nominate a failed Presidential Candidate for their team name?

21 Hoot Salute
Feb 8, 2005

Night-time, turn around
Lonely is the city tonight
Night-time, all around
Lonely in the city tonight



The thing I am MOST EXCITED FOR this day...

Is to find out what our dear friend and forums poster Drew Mcintyre FKA Baron Corbin FKA Bill Goldberg FKA Brock Lesnar FKA Corporate Kane is going to be known as for the next year.

Buddy Murphy?

Tucker?

...King Corbin? :stare:

So many exciting possibilities.

Zeta Acosta
Dec 16, 2019

#essereFerrari
my interest in the wwe is deader than kobe bryant

#ripblackmamba

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

It just struck me, today's the day, it's the official start of POINTS TO SIGN season :stare:

schwein11
Oct 13, 2009



Native South Dakotan Brock Lesnar is going to win the rumble in redemption for South Dakotan native son George McGovern’s loss to Nixon in ‘72. Or maybe Cain will show up and be Brock’s Tom Eagleton. WE WILL SEE.

Fat Lowtax
Nov 9, 2008


"I'm willing to pay up to $1200 for a big anime titty"


I hope everyone has fun.

Eat My Fuc
May 29, 2007

Hell yea team Bob Dole let's go bananas

Incessant Excess
Aug 15, 2005

Cause of glitch:
Pretentiousness

Jerusalem posted:

It just struck me, today's the day, it's the official start of POINTS TO SIGN season :stare:

Same thing next month, except the sign's different:

is pepsi ok
Oct 23, 2002

More like Boil Bumble

CarlCX
Dec 14, 2003

Today's a weird fuckin' day and it's probably gonna be a bad rumble, but Alf Landon will main event Wrestlemania and that's worth cheering for.

is pepsi ok
Oct 23, 2002

Jerusalem posted:

Hillary Clinton we will take the pain away, you didn't win in 2016 but you're not in the 2020 race, but you CAN win the 2020 Royal Rumble. We believe in you, Hill-dog!

Go team Hilldog! I share a birthday with her so that has to count for something, right?

Bizarro Kanyon
Jan 3, 2007

Something Awful, so easy even a spaceman can do it!


I had cancelled the network in October but I cannot ignore the Royal Rumble and the most important roulette ever.

I used a new email so they still are not getting my money and I will cancel tomorrow.

Go Team....Hillary Clinton.....dammit

Lid
Feb 18, 2005

And the mercy seat is awaiting,
And I think my head is burning,
And in a way I'm yearning,
To be done with all this measuring of proof.
An eye for an eye
And a tooth for a tooth,
And anyway I told the truth,
And I'm not afraid to die.

Jerusalem posted:

It just struck me, today's the day, it's the official start of POINTS TO SIGN season :stare:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=deBjxpxnvnA&t=32s

Cavauro
Jan 9, 2008

got some things to do. But i'll watch the royal rumble

MorningMoon
Dec 29, 2013

He's been tapping into Aunt May's bank account!
Didn't I kill him with a HELICOPTER?
I wanna shitpost hard during the rumble, so I'm digging through e-mails trying to find a free trial to the Network. Oh yeah! I did make a gmail account for this project I never got out of planning. Number 6 is getting the best of the best.

Lid
Feb 18, 2005

And the mercy seat is awaiting,
And I think my head is burning,
And in a way I'm yearning,
To be done with all this measuring of proof.
An eye for an eye
And a tooth for a tooth,
And anyway I told the truth,
And I'm not afraid to die.
WHAT THE gently caress KOBE BRYANT IS DEAD

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CrcleSqreSanchz
Aug 21, 2002

I'm feeling something new...something...I'm happy??!!
Y'know, the USB stick holding the next chapter of my book I was going to do another pass on is at work.

So gently caress it, I'll watch the Rumble.

Is dog food still a thing in the wwe?

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