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Bonaventure posted:COMEDIAN IN DEATH STRANDING UNIVERSE: Heather Papps posted:now listen, i love the allmother as much as all her children Yinlock posted:and hey what's the deal with that dread cosmic wave that ends all life, it could've sent us a postcard instead Heather Papps posted:you.... try... standddd uppppp someti some sometim...es..... |
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Jan 30, 2020 04:36
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the group of survivors stares in horror as the mold that destroyed civilization begins to bubble and rise, forming a grotesque parody of a human face. it's "lips" struggle to make sounds, as if the very notion of one of the most basic human actions was utterly alien to it. "WHaT Is THE DEal with AIRLINE FooD"
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Jan 30, 2020 04:37
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Soul-Reavers be moving like this *head splits open and a howl of utter madness sounds from the void within* while Dread Overseers be like *eyes begin sprouting all over my body until i collapse into a horrifying puddle of eyeballs* thank you you've been a great audience
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Jan 30, 2020 04:45
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so we're fighting off a band of plague zombies, real sickly looking, and my date trips on a piece of rebar. before she gets up, one grabs at her and says, and forgive me in advance "i'mma drinka your blood lika grappa, healthy oval office!" and she just loooooooooses it, of course. i'm speachless, you know, it's 3442 and we don't... jeeeeez, you know i get that you're an ancient zombie from the prefall, but come on man. aaaanyways, she's just fuckin', this guys head is GONE, just a smear on the curb and her steeltoes. i finish off my sickboi, and sorta, walk over, all stunned. i'm like, "wow, st wolfsbane of the sisters of steel i am... wow. you okay? you wanna talk about that unpleasent word." she looked at me and said, "word? oh... that. who cares, i've been a oval office since i kicked my way outta one. i'm from neoitaliano, that motherfucker was being a bigot!" anyways, she's my battlepartner now..... and, well, that's how things go........ the werewolf shifts, and turns his ear to the crowd "IN NEO-ONTARIOOOOOOOOO YEAHHHHHHHH!" thanks friends, goooooood niiiiiiiiiiiight awoooooooooolfcrewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
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Jan 30, 2020 04:46
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mitch hedberg performing in a bomb shelter: “tonight i’ll either be remembered as a comedian, or the guy who finished the job” |
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Jan 30, 2020 05:15
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a bunch of comedians sharing a basement apartment emerge to find that a solar flare has wiped most of the surface clear of life "uh... you um.... poo poo. okay dan? you have that bit about your dad forcing you to go to scouts right? you can start a fire. right?" "well, my dad actually said that he "wouldn't force the good men of the scouts to endure a whiny little bitch like you" so all my stories are my... my big brothers stories" "denise? you have the joke about burning your exes tent down while he was skinny dipping with his new girlfriend. can you start a fire?" "naw dude that poo poo is... that's a joke. gently caress, you thought i did that? for real? thank you." "okay well. dang."
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Jan 30, 2020 05:20
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hey buddy, i dont go down to the tumor factory and interrupt your set, do I? |
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Jan 30, 2020 06:48
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Have you had this experience? This happen to anyone here? Aliens cloned numerous copies of me to determine how to most efficiently kill a human. I tell ya, those other me's are some sore losers. Sure I get to live, but life in the observation dome is no bed of roses, am I right? |
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Jan 30, 2020 07:00
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so i says to larry i go "thats not a bomb shelter. thats my wife!" |
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Jan 30, 2020 07:13
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So War, Famine, Pestilence and Death walk into a bar. The barkeeper says 'Hey, why the long, slow and painful end of all mankind?'
Peg Sliderskew fucked around with this message at 07:41 on Jan 30, 2020
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Jan 30, 2020 07:38
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I had a weird dream last night- dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up- most of my wife was missing! That's how I realised I'd become a zombie. Talking of which, why did the zombie cross the road? To get to the other DIED! Thanks, you've been a great audience! *pile of grinning skulls continues to stare judgmentally*
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Jan 30, 2020 07:46
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hockey jockey posted:So War, Famine, Pestilence and Death walk into a bar. The barkeeper says 'Hey, why the long, slow and painful end of all mankind?'
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Jan 30, 2020 07:51
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If your front yard has more rotting bodies than running cars... you might just be a zombie |
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Jan 30, 2020 15:38
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jerry: so its a "death rebate"? george: yes, it's genius! jerry: so you pick a beneficiary *waves hands* take a kill pill and thats it? george: ..and the government hands them food vouchers. food vouchers, jerry! jerry: and the only downside is that you're dead george: you're not getting the big picture! they only specify "ingesting" the pill jerry: which kills you george: you could fake swallowing it jerry: *sarcastically* yeah i'm sure they never thought of that george: yes! i was just talking with elai- *kramer bursts into the fallout shelter, clutching handfulls of vouchers* jerry: don't you ever knock? kramer: guys! guys! you'll never guess who signed me up as a death rebate recipient! |
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Jan 30, 2020 16:39
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rapture? I barely know her!
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Jan 30, 2020 16:45
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man, online dating these days is rough. what's the deal with everyone using pre-nuke photos in their dating profiles? yeah, like i'm not going to notice the ball of hair and teeth growing out of your neck! i had one date say it was really brave of me to use post-nuke photos in my dating profile. actually that photo is several years old, i've just always looked like this! |
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Jan 30, 2020 16:46
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so, you've all seen the news, right? all seen the news, big story right now, big story, yup -- Soylent. Green. Is. People. It's people. And if you're anything like me, I know, my first reaction was-- [mimes disgust] --but then i started thinking, I'm standing in the Soylent Line and some guy, big guy-- this guy who's clearly getting more than his share of rations cut me off in the Soylent Line. Cut me off! And I said to him, "hey buddy, you cut ahead of me!" and he turns around, "yeah, what are you gonna do about it?" And so i started thinking-- well-- he's looking pretty tasty right about now, isn't he? ---------------- |
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Jan 30, 2020 16:53
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Nosfereefer posted:jerry: so its a "death rebate"?
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Jan 30, 2020 21:29
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alien: surprise!! haha oh man i totally pranked you guys. this was my first diplomatic mission and i thought "hey why not spice it up a bit" survivor: you mean you didn't vaporize our entire continent? alien: no i did but any kethron crystal foundation will reform in like an hour, it's fine. don't they teach you this in school? survivor: what's a kethron crystal alien: uh oh
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Jan 31, 2020 02:10
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The Gang Flees From A Swarm of Infected |
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Jan 31, 2020 13:46
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Knock knock Who's there silence Silence who?? *remembers I am the last person on earth and weeps* |
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Jan 31, 2020 13:49
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Tongues posted:The Gang Flees From A Swarm of Infected
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Jan 31, 2020 16:58
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coming up next on Everybody Loves Raymond: there is no one left to love Raymond
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Jan 31, 2020 17:01
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Tongues posted:The Gang Flees From A Swarm of Infected |
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Jan 31, 2020 17:17
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a series of nuclear explosions from satellite view taking the form of a man slipping on a banana peel |
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Jan 31, 2020 17:18
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Benny Hill being chased by a pack of hideous mutants wearing bikinis on bicycles. |
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Jan 31, 2020 18:07
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back in the Before Times, i was a comedian. Joe Piscopo they called me. the greatest comedian of all time...
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Jan 31, 2020 18:12
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chitterchitterchatchitter spiracles venting, rapidly chitchitterchitterchit!@!!!!
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Jan 31, 2020 18:33
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Tongues posted:The Gang Flees From A Swarm of Infected The X-man cometh posted:Benny Hill being chased by a pack of hideous mutants wearing bikinis on bicycles.
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Jan 31, 2020 23:29
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FutonForensic posted:coming up next on Everybody Loves Raymond: there is no one left to love Raymond Episode 421: Raymond is alone Episode 422: Raymond succumbs to madness Episode 423: The end of Raymond Episode 424: Everybody Loves Undead Raymond
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Jan 31, 2020 23:41
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(walks over to the perimeter fence) Wilson? Are you there? (a zombie whose face has completely rotted off peeks over the fence and snarls sagely) |
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Jan 31, 2020 23:53
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So I said "under his eye?? More like under his wife amirite" |
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Feb 1, 2020 04:40
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Take my wife - please! She keeps trying to eat my brains. |
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Feb 3, 2020 16:43
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I am the comedian formerly known as Kevin James. Once, I was the King of Queens. Now, I am the King of Bones
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Feb 3, 2020 19:07
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*Kramers into the safehouse* Guys! You'll never guess who I met while scavenging the ruins of 5th ave. I- *gets swarmed by the hoard of zombies that followed me*
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Feb 3, 2020 19:59
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george costanza complaining his new girlfriend doesn't double-tap the zombies. jerry and elaine chide him, because they warned him she was a "single tapper" |
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Feb 3, 2020 20:09
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sure it's a thousand year kingdom but has anyone noticed that second coming christ is kind of an rear end in a top hat
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Feb 3, 2020 20:21
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aged, mutated stand--up comedians complaining about post-apocalyptic youth being too "pc" to appreciate their lost art |
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Feb 3, 2020 21:39
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FutonForensic posted:I am the comedian formerly known as Kevin James. Once, I was the King of Queens. Now, I am the King of Bones |
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Feb 3, 2020 21:41
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| # ? Apr 16, 2024 17:09 |
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FutonForensic posted:I am the comedian formerly known as Kevin James. Once, I was the King of Queens. Now, I am the King of Bones |
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Feb 3, 2020 22:10
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