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reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


This isn't a request this is an informative work. I intend to tell everyone just what the gently caress was happening in command and conquer. Begin by opening your bibles.

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reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Kane is an immortal being. It's debatable whether he's an alien but it is not debatable that he is ancient and mighty and that normal means of killing him don't work.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008




This is a canon photo of the tomb where Kane is keeping Abel in the temple of Nod. It can be found in the canon game Command and Conquer Renegade in which commando Nick "Havoc" Parker explores some of the biggest set pieces of command and conquer but from a first person perspective.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Now why would Kane have such a thing if he wasn't at least ten thousand years old? Good question good question.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008




This is a Scrin. They are an alien race who love to extract planets easily available energy reserves. We can talk more about that later I'm sure it will come up. The important thing to know right now is that they exist and they are very very ugly. They probably look like how they are portrayed in this picture and my god only a mother could love that mug.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Kane needs to talk to the Scrin but he can't do it because he lives in a bronze age society being worshiped as some kind of immortal child of god cursed for murdering his brother in the garden of eden. Personally though I don't think so. I think it's more likely that Kane is an alien.

Sir DonkeyPunch
Mar 23, 2007

I didn't hear no bell


Pillbug

reignofevil posted:



This is a canon photo of the tomb where Kane is keeping Abel in the temple of Nod. It can be found in the canon game Command and Conquer Renegade in which commando Nick "Havoc" Parker explores some of the biggest set pieces of command and conquer but from a first person perspective.

Renegade loving ruled

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


My theory is that Kane, somehow an immortal alien, crashed on earth. He needed some way of getting the gently caress off this planet. He was stuck like Ford Prefect in the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy but with way more ancient soviet sex cults.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Sir DonkeyPunch posted:

Renegade loving ruled

Yeah it did!

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Ancient Soviet Sex Cults you said?



Yes. I did say that.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Kane was working with the soviets because..... Okay admittedly for some bits of this my memory gets a bit fuzzy but I'm pretty sure it was because he determined their cause was just because they killed their monarch or something.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008



The leather doesn't hurt.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Anyway Einstein causes the events of Red Alert and then the timeline branches. We probably don't need to talk too much about the other timeline except to say it's a pretty awesome one with some rad as hell games. But Red Alert 1 and the minimal time fuckery done to cause those events 100% happened in "our" timeline. We haven't talked about this at all yet but I mentioned it would come up so until we come to a better explanation for ourselves you'll just have to trust me when I say the timeline we are focusing on is best referred to as the "Tiberian" Timeline.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


So what did Einstein do?

He invented time travel and killed Hitler. Here is provided footage of this historic event.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfU1lYAIlWs

So after he killed hitler it caused world war 2 to actually be the soviets fighting the allies and then the allies win via having a time machine. Kane is operating with the soviets during this war and siphoning resources into his shadow organization which was a multi thousand year old sex cult based around Abrahamic motifs in order to better hide his status as Actually an Alien.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


So the Soviets get their rear end kicked and the world descends into the kind of capitalistic status quo that only the nineties could ever imagine. The Allies form a secret organization known as Special Operations Group Echo, Black Ops 9 and they sell all of their lovely tanks to terrorists and they buy old soviet tanks.



Here is the historical document proving my claims up to this point, it is from the original command and conquer instruction manual. Note how it is labeled History.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


So Kane now wants to buy tanks because they are for sale. But he needs money. Also deep down he really doesn't want tanks or sex or power he really wants to fix his alien spaceship and he wants to get the gently caress off this planet to somewhere that doesn't think Tivo is a new and novel concept to build an entire society around. But mostly he needs money.

Why should an Alien that is immortal need money? Shouldn't he have gamed the savings account system millennia ago and shouldn't he probably be the wealthiest single individual on the planet who could lift entire generations out of poverty merely by speaking a word about where lost ancient treasures and gold and mummies and stuff are buried?

Sure sure. But the big problem is that he needs easily available energy and that's what he's spending all his money on. He can't keep burning oil to run trucks to extract ore for money anymore, which is what 99% of the command and conquer economy has been structured around up to this point. He needs something new and revolutionary.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008




This is a historic photo of what the ore trucks looked like picking up ore. Note the weird drill thing in the center of the ore field dragging it up to the surface. Also forgive the resolution the cameras weren't very good back then so it looks kinda blurry.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


What happened next changed everything. The whole world revolutionized in an instant.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008




Note how obviously and completely different this is than harvesting Ore. This mystery green plant is known as Tiberium, and it crashed at the Tiber river in Italy during the nineteen nineties.

Okay maybe I should have led with that.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


So what is Tiberium. Good question. Why is it better than Ore? Equally valid.


Tiberium sucks up the nutrients, the minerals and the freely available energy up from the soil and deposits it on the top of the ground in an easy to harvest crystal. It's like fracking... but for everything! It isn't just useful... it's toxic to all organic life! And it's spreading like a virus across the land!

You'd think this would be looked at like a bad thing because of all the mutants but actually this is what we in the business call a "War-protunity" and GDI and Nod take full advantage of this to fight a bloody world war on the continents of Africa and the forgotten parts of Europe.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Trees, when exposed to Tiberium, turn into blossom trees that can not be destroyed by any means known to GDI and their sole purpose becomes to produce and spread tiberium in what seems like an endless rate.



Pictured, A blossom tree surrounded by the greatest ecological disaster since the roman empire.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


The chemical composition of Tiberium

quote:

Chemical Composition:

Phosphor: 42.5%
Iron: 32.5%
Calcium: 15.25%
Copper: 5.75%
Silica: 2.5%
Unknown: 1.5%

That last unknown 1.5% is the 1.5% that turns you into a horrible mutant that eats all of your friends and family.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Kane Is an Alien so he knows that Tiberium is bad news. It's not a gift for humanity it's actually a cold-blooded resource extraction scheme by some poo poo-ugly looking aliens called The Scrin. So he comes up with a plan to finally escape this poo poo-ball we call earth and his plan was to tell us dumb monkeys that Tiberium was actually a gift for humanity so that we'd spread it all over real quicklike. Kane is really tired of "pop culture" and he wants to escape as fast as possible so he starts doing crazy stuff to try and get the aliens to arrive faster with their space ships. But the aliens won't actually come with the space ships until the entire planet is coated with Tiberium aka Energy-Money like a delicious caramel apple.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


It's possible that Kane has a device like Ford Prefect does that lets him detect foreign objects being sent to our planet by aliens. Alternatively he just loves Italian food. The one thing we can say is undisputed is that Kane is the first to recognize that Tiberium could be turned into money and power. He is the first person to put gigantic mandible claws on an ore truck and send it out to go dump the crystals into what would later be called a "Tiberium Refinery". By the events of the first Tiberian War (World War 3) Kane would control over fifty percent of the globe's tiberium harvesting companies, easily financing his purchase of lovely Allied tanks and also tons of fuel for cargo plane delivery.

Kane spends his money on making tanks invisible and also buying up old world war 2 flame tanks so he can more effectively commit war crimes. Even ancient aliens need to occasionally let off the steam after the frustrations of erectile dysfunction..

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008




Here is a flame tank operated by Nod at this timeframe

Tulip
Jun 3, 2008

I have no country to fight for; my country is the earth; I am a citizen of the world.

GDI are way better as a mechanical fit for how i play RTS (unsubtle heavy bruisers) but Nod are so much more compelling.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


So right now Kane is pretty sure he has all the money and all the energy and he has an army of loyal impoverished africans and so he is pretty sure he can just steal some nuclear weapons and take over the entire earth. This would further his goals because then he can just tell people to start farming tiberium like it's corn. Unfortunately GDI is upset because he keeps setting entire villages on fire and also they are catching on that he isn't just buying all of the guns and tanks that the gun manufacturers have been selling because he is such a wonderful person who wants a strong second amendment. Kane wants Peace. And he wants to achieve it through Power.

So GDI establishes a beachhead in africa and they figure out that Nod is actually way way more organized than they ever thought could be possible. Note how this is a reoccurring theme with GDI.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


GDI and Nod tussel over africa. Nod tries to steal some nukes. Nod tries to steal some satellite codes so they can use a laptop to log on to the space defense network and target it at some national monuments. Nod gets the nukes but doesn't actually accomplish the space laser goal unfortunately. Instead GDI fights Nod back to their headquarters in Sarajevo and they shoot Kane with their big rear end space laser because they hate him and want him to die. You can explore the temple of nod in detail during the events of Command and Conquer Renegade and properly satisfy yourself that Kane is both many thousands of years old and also that he shoved a metal spike up his traitor lieutenant Seth's rear end and then he cryogenically froze his corpse to set an example.



It's hard to see but here he is in the tube.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008





this is Kane getting shot with an ion cannon by GDI in what is historic footage recovered from the charred remains of the original temple of nod

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Now Kane didn't die. At this time it was genuinely up in the air why kane didn't die here but we are now aware it is because Kane is a teleporting Alien.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


I know what you're thinking. If Kane can teleport why is he stuck on earth.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Because obviously teleporting all the way to another planet would be either dumb or hard to do. Kane isn't stupid and is fully aware he can teleport.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


I don't want to skip all the way past world war 4 without some interim explanation but here is a picture of Kane teleporting during events that were not canon but were completely plausible had world war 4 gone slightly differently.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


So Kane teleported out of the way of the Global Defense Initiative's Ion Cannon. But he did it too slow and his face got all burned. This is more evidence in favor of Kane actually being an alien which the causal reader will soon see very clearly.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


So basically what happens is Kane has to go invent a facemask that can fix a hosed up face. Or he just knows how to make one because he knew how to make one many thousands of years ago when he was originally stranded on earth. Either way he has to go make one because otherwise history would have gone very differently. Lots of people don't even know Kane has a facemask at this point.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Kane isn't leading the Brotherhood of Nod anymore. After the events of the first tiberian war the generals basically took individual control of their own armies and Nod became a much more fractured thing. It still maintained an official news network on television somehow during this time.

GDI isn't stupid however and comes up with a plan that will let them keep sucking from the government teat forever. Also they entirely fail to even slightly clean up the ecological disaster that is Tiberium. Basically GDI is loving everything up for the planet but stuff is working out really really well for them personally. So the plan is for Nod to continue to exist but as a primarily controlled organization with a GDI mole leading the group from within. This allows GDI to basically take over the whole government and they start moving rich people to the north pole, Antarctica, and into space. Basically anywhere the sick poor people can't touch them and mutate their precious DNA.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008




Here is a picture of the traitor chosen by GDI to lead Nod. Unfortunately I was not able to locate a photo of him conspiring with GDI in person but I'm sure I recall it exists.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


So what happens is that there is a super loyal officer known as Anton Slavik who holds to the way Kane wanted nod to be run. How precisely that was meant to be who the gently caress knows but Anton is loyal as loyal comes. So Hassan tries to have him executed for treason.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008




Photo of the execution

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reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


I really should have brought this up sooner but the very first command and conquer game opens with the world trade center exploding

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