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Tungsten Dreams
Oct 13, 2018

I have a couple of things to ask, this is as good a place to ask as any! maybe even better!

last year my closest friend did and said a bunch of poo poo that SUPER hurt. like WOW I couldn't move for weeks. for background, I'm schizophrenic (so is she) and have a history of major depressive episodes. she did apologise and promise to do better but, she just... keeps doing stupid hurtful poo poo. after a while I stopped sleeping more than an hour a night for a few months; I'd stay up all night crying or too upset to shut my mind up. after month number four I went to bed and I could not. stop. thinking. about the noble truths, I have no idea why - my mom practices buddhism and must have been talking to me about it at some point? and it made me reflect a lot on my own hurt and suffering. I kind of realised that my suffering wasn't unique or special, that I've always been suffering and I've been attached to my suffering and the things which have exasperated it. and I also realised that my suffering was transient and impermanent, and it was caused exclusively by attachment. and then I could sleep again, I've been sleeping well ever since.

it's been a journey but, I eventually weaned off all my medications, gained a bunch of confidence and I feel like I'm actually living for the first time in my life. I have so many new friends, an actual social life, and I feel like I can be loved.

my first question is, a few years ago I asked her to be the best man at my wedding. I don't want her to be anymore. her having that role does and will cause me and others suffering, but asking her not to will cause her suffering. I can't see a way through this that will not cause a net increase of suffering. how can I approach this?

question the second number: is there a certain distance I 'have' (super lovely word I know) to go with approaching enlightenment? if I make progress, will future incarnations of TD pick up the slack? is it wrong to think that the life-me now isn't ready and needs to go back in the oven a couple more lifetimes?

thirdish, I wanted to know more about meditation. in therapy we would practice westernised mindfulness - sitting one the floor, focusing on our breathing, that sort of thing. it wasn't something I took to, and as said earlier in this thread I'm not sold on mindfulness meditation being something that is safe for me to practice given my mental health conditions (I'm stable and happy, and I want to stay that way). in my youth I always thought of meditation as a form of exploring yourself, deep deconstructive thought to induce true realisations of character and 'self'. are there other ways meditation can manifest, or other forms of it?



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