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isaboo
Nov 10, 2002

I can destroy you


Part I: Meet the gang

This is a true story.

My name is Beets. For a while in the late 90s I was a night shift security guard at a processing plant in California that made canned wet dog food. I was part of a three man team and we were the worst security guards ever.



This is Lazy Nate. He looked like actor DJ Qualls:



Lazy Nate was the janitor and he was lazy as hell. This dude was always the last to volunteer for anything, would take forever to do his custodial duties, and in general would find any excuse to get out of doing his job. Lazy Nate was also obsessed with the band ABBA. He had ABBA T-shirts, ABBA coffee mugs, ABBA posters in his locker... just ABBA ABBA ABBA all the time everywhere. He liked other bands and genres too. Aside from that Swedish powerhouse he listened to all sorts of hip hop and alternative bands but by god ABBA was his raison d'etre. I'm 100% sure he wasn't being ironic; he just loved that loving band. Whenever he would get excited or happy he'd yell "ABBA DABBA DOOOOOO!!!" And worst of all, he'd sometimes use the PA system to blast ABBA songs around the middle of our 11pm-8am shift all the while singing along and dancing with his mop or broom.

For all of you unlucky(?) people that aren't familiar with ABBA, here's a couple of songs to get you acquainted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFrGuyw1V8s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7j6OI9TxqzI

Really powerful stuff.

Lazy Nate was also the local drug dealer. He could get almost anything but mostly sold weed and LSD and various pills. He also always had mushrooms but he kept those for himself and me and the other security guard Randy.

Randy was Lazy Nate's older brother and the head guard but absolutely did not give a poo poo about doing anything other than the bare minimum and sometimes even that was too much to care about. Randy liked to play jokes on us. He'd do oh-so-hilarious pranks like whoopee cushions and snakes in a can and plastic wrap over the toilet bowl. One of his favorite things to do was to poke one of his balls out of his pants zipper and try to trick us into looking at it. His go-to was to pop out from around a corner or from under a table and say "Do you know how to get gum out of pants???" while stretching out his hairy sack. Really funny stuff the first few times but after that it was goddamn annoying.

Here's Randy. He reminded me of Gary Busey.





The complex we worked at was big and consisted of 5 separate buildings. There was the dog food processing facility, a warehouse full of all sorts of industry related supplies and canned dog food ready to be distributed, and our small guard house in the middle of the two. Flanking the larger buildings were an old unused garage full of junk and a newer garage also full of junk. The parking lot area was filled with some heavy machinery and delivery trucks. Surrounding the complex was a chain link fence with razor wire and a large gate that was kept locked except for a few times during the regular business day.

In one part of the fence was Nate's Hole. That hole was Lazy Nate's transaction point for his regular customers. Nate had pretty steady business; in a typical week he'd deal with maybe 20 people. The local law enforcement either didn't know or didn't care about Nate's business because I never saw him get into any trouble.



All Lazy Nate and his customers had to worry about was a pack of wild dogs and an incredibly aggressive feral cat that roamed the area.

Meet MelonHead the cat from hell:





MelonHead got his name for having a big goddamn head. This cat was loving enormous; he was easily 20lbs. He was all black with huge golden eyes and his fur was extremely thick and often had sticks and leaves and probably bones of his prey tangled throughout. He was a master hunter and kept the rats and other pests that hung around in check. There was a lot of vermin in the complex because of all the food products and waste and general gross smell of the wet dog food. We all steered clear of MelonHead but he would often scare the poo poo out of us by suddenly appearing out of nowhere. And it always felt like he was watching us, trying to work out how to kill and eat us. Cat owners should be familiar with this feeling. MelonHead lived in and around an old wooden structure, about 3 or 4 feet high and partially hidden by bushes, that housed an old and non functioning water conduit. There was a small open access door and the interior had just enough room for a big rear end wild cat and whatever poo poo he wanted to drag in there. This area was definitely off limits unless you wanted a psychotic cat try to kill you.

Then there was Willie The Pimp, the alpha of the local dog pack. Sadly I don't have a real picture of Willie but he kind of looked like a cross between these two:






He was reminiscent of a German Shepherd as far as size and general shape but his muzzle was a bit wider and his coat was darker all over.

Willie The Pimp was a name that I gave him much later. At first he was just known as "JESUS loving CHRIST THAT GODDAMN DOG IS GOING TO KILL ME" because he was not at all scared of anything under the sun. This motherfucker was a beast. I have no idea what breed actually dominated his genetics but he was loving huge and had no fear of anything ever. His life must have been hard from the get go because he had the scars and missing eye to prove it. When I was younger I was around dogs a lot, both wild and domestic, but I had never seen one as savagely majestic as Willie. In fact pretty much all of the workers that knew about him regarded him with a sort of reverence.

He had about six or seven dogs that followed him around. They all lived in the woods near the facility and would circle the entire complex waiting for an opportunity to sneak in during the day or scavenge around the dumpsters outside of the fence. We would often see Willie The Pimp loving the hell out of any one of the female dogs.

Willie The Pimp and I would soon become much better acquainted.

isaboo fucked around with this message at 03:34 on Feb 21, 2020

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VikingSkull
Jan 23, 2017
Look Viking you're a trash Trump supporter what the fuck makes you think you can have an avatar that isn't what I decide? Shut your fucking trap and go away. Your trolling is tiresome and just shits up the forum.

>pet the cat

20 Blunts
Jan 21, 2017



what did this place smell like

isaboo
Nov 10, 2002

I can destroy you


Part II Chapter 1

Part II Chapter 2

Part III Chapter 1

Part III Chapter 2

Epilogue


isaboo fucked around with this message at 02:47 on Feb 24, 2020

isaboo
Nov 10, 2002

I can destroy you


20 Blunts posted:

what did this place smell like

Pretty terrible during the day when all the ingredients were being cooked but it really depended on the area you were in. It was an old factory but had surprisingly good ventilation inside.

The smell is hard to describe without just saying "old warm wet dog food". It was acrid and musty but not overpowering and most workers wore masks of some kind anyway.

On our night shift the odor wasn't bad at all except in one or two rooms.

Chinatown
Sep 11, 2001

~*Suck My Balls*~

Fun Shoe

i put on my robe and wizard hat

itry
Aug 23, 2019






Where did they keep the ingredients?

Resting Lich Face
Feb 21, 2019


Oh poo poo this is gonna be good.

roarpower
Jul 11, 2019
Probation
Can't post for 44 hours!


Chinatown posted:

i put on my robe and wizard hat

Head Bee Guy
Jun 12, 2011

Retarded for Busting

Grimey Drawer

ever eat the food?

roarpower
Jul 11, 2019
Probation
Can't post for 44 hours!


Head Bee Guy posted:

ever eat the food?

every day. sometime I forget breakfast.

isaboo
Nov 10, 2002

I can destroy you


Head Bee Guy posted:

ever eat the food?

Yes. Randy would sometimes put a little in our food as a joke. I could usually smell it and if I did I would just take Randy's meal and eat it.

Also we all tried a little of it straight out of the can at some point. After being around it a lot the curiosity won. It wasn't good. It just tasted vaguely like "meat" of some kind but had a sort of sweetness to it. The texture was horrible especially the little bits of semi-solid stuff.

Head Bee Guy
Jun 12, 2011

Retarded for Busting

Grimey Drawer

gross.

so howd you stop the robbery

UnfortunateSexFart
May 18, 2008

𒃻 𒌓𒁉𒋫 𒆷𒁀𒅅𒆷
𒆠𒂖 𒌉 𒌫 𒁮𒈠𒈾𒅗 𒂉 𒉡𒌒𒂉𒊑




Cool half story I guess. I was a mall guard and a dude just grabbed some necklace at the jewelry store and walked out. I happened to be walking in the other direction and he said "I think they need help" so I went to the store and found out he was the thief.

The store owner wanted me to chase him but I said since I didn't witness the crime I couldn't legally do anything. Only cops can arrest based on suspicion. They were pissed and complained to the mall manager who said I did exactly what I was supposed to do by doing nothing.

And that's security. Lowering insurance costs while not actually doing anything.

Modulo16
Feb 12, 2014

"Authorities say the phony Pope can be recognized by his high-top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth."

I love these threads! Something tells me this is gonna be good

Daikloktos
Jan 1, 2020



I hope when you complete the initial story you leave us a list of what stories we want next. I miss that thread genre

isaboo
Nov 10, 2002

I can destroy you


Part II

Chapter 1: The accident.

Since Lazy Nate was lazy and Randy didn't give a gently caress, I did most of the rounds in the large factory which took a lot longer than the short rounds the two of them made around the smaller buildings. They would often go together and smoke weed or drink liquor and gently caress off. I on the other hand would go alone and smoke weed and gently caress off. All of us had walkie talkies though and if one of us had a problem the others would usually come help.

The interior of the factory was laid out as you might expect an industrial food processing facilty to be. There was lots of open space but there was also lots of automated equipment of varying sizes, some human operated machines, and many ways to die. There were big slicers and cutters and cookers and extruders and mixers and compressors; a cornucopia of death machines. Luckily for us night workers most of it was turned off. There were a few pieces that we would have to check while on our rounds to make sure no warning lights were on and ensure they were still operating. These devices were generally things that worked slowly and wouldn't tear off a limb if something went wrong.

At around 3am during a shift I was doing my normal rounds throughout the factory while Lazy Nate had ABBA blasting on the PA outside. Over time I noticed I had begun humming along and that irritated me. As I was being angry with myself I heard a squeaking or screeching sound from the adjacent room which contained a big collection vat. It was one of the machines that ran all night, slowly collecting newly ground and pressed and squeezed wet dog food. It filled from the bottom up and would be completely full at around 6am. The top was covered with a thin flexible material cover that was simply snapped on to the vat's rim.

Most of the lights were off except for a few around the still running equipment so I entered the vat room with my flashlight on. The sound reminded me of two pieces of metal grinding together so I expected to find something like a stuck valve or actuator or the like. I worked my way around the room and checked the bottom of the ~10ft tall cylinder and found nothing so I walked up the ramp that led from the floor to the top of the vat. There was a platform at the top that joined the edge of the container. I stood on top of it while shining my flashlight around the room.

From behind me I heard the most awful, angry, "FFFFTHISSSSSSSSSS" sound and as I turned I saw MelonHead racing up the catwalk (ha!) toward me with a goddamn rodent in his mouth. I stumbled backward and fell into the vat through the flexible cover. He stopped about midway and then took off into the darkness.







At 6'4" I'm a fairly tall guy and the vat was not yet full so the wet slimy disgusting dog food only came up to about my armpits.

"Well, this loving sucks" I thought.

I tried to pull myself up onto the rim but the thick slew of pig assholes, goat dicks, cow bladders, horse meat and whatever the gently caress else went into the lovely dog food was holding me in place like quicksand. My boot was also caught on something in the lower portion of the vat, probably a mixer blade.

My walkie talkie was of no use so I started yelling. Several minutes went by and finally Nate entered the room.

"Well looky here. You seem to be in a sticky situation, Beets."
"How about a little help, dude??"

Nate radioed Randy- "You need to come see this. Beets fell into the dog food!"
All I could hear was riotous laughter from Randy.

A couple of minutes later he arrived and after laughing some more they pulled me out of the vat. As I was trying to wipe off the dog food I looked over at Randy and he had his ball out and said "Does anyone know how to get dog food out of pants??". Really loving clever, that guy.



isaboo fucked around with this message at 03:36 on Feb 21, 2020

20 Blunts
Jan 21, 2017



that man is Randy in name AND Randy in DISPOSITION

Nooner
Mar 26, 2007

I am Nooner


This one time when I worked security in college I was really loving bored a lot. Like REALLY loving bored A LOT.

That's my story about working security

Nooner
Mar 26, 2007

I am Nooner


This one time back in like probably '09 there was this anual big show on campus (it's called Big Show) and I was up at the dorms when it ended and all the kids were coming back all hosed up and this one group there were a couple of girls fighting and one of them called the other a "Justin Bieber looking bitch" and that was pretty funny

Weka
May 5, 2019

And if you gaze long into an abyss, you will say `look, no ring.`

That seems like an excessive amount of security for a dog food factory. What was REALLY going on?

sweet thursday
Sep 16, 2012

by LITERALLY AN ADMIN


Lazy Nate is a scoundrel

The Butcher
Apr 20, 2005

and it was all going so well...


Nap Ghost

Jesus gently caress, I did some work in a plant that made dry kibble and it was basically uninhabitable when they would bring the super expired, totally illegal to use for humans, fish guts, heads, skins, tails and trimmings and whatever the gently caress else once per week.

I can't even imagine what a wet food plant would smell like. I had clothes I'd never bring into the house for that job.

isaboo
Nov 10, 2002

I can destroy you


Weka posted:

That seems like an excessive amount of security for a dog food factory. What was REALLY going on?

The place was pretty big and during the day we were supposed to have one guard in the guard house watching monitors and the other patrolling the grounds and letting in trucks etc. One guy won't be able to respond to something and also keep eyes on the rest of the property and any people coming or going. It's really just a good idea to have backup for anything security related.

Randy was the head of all the guards (both days and nights) but since he didn't give a poo poo about anything and he could do drugs and gently caress around at night he chose to work on the night shift with his lazy brother and I. Nate was technically a part of our group but just cleaned the common areas of the facility so he really wasn't "security" per se.

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

I thought it was time you had a new av so typed in random picture and this is what came up


Weka posted:

That seems like an excessive amount of security for a dog food factory. What was REALLY going on?

It's just a normal ""dog" "food" "factory""

isaboo
Nov 10, 2002

I can destroy you


Part II Continued

I checked our locker room for an extra uniform but didn't find one so I had to finish the shift with goo all over me. I wiped most of it off but it was in my boots, my hair, and underwear. Our loving shower stall in the guard house didn't work so I just had to push through the rest of the night smelling awful. I was not in a good mood so I asked Lazy Nate for shrooms and weed to take the edge off. I ate a little and smoked a joint and went out into the parking area.

Willie The Pimp caught wind of this walking talking hunk of smelly dog food and was standing at the gate with a few other dogs behind him. He was staring at me, growling and baring his teeth and clearly worked up and wanted to get a bite of the tasty treat in front of him. The gate was closed so I was safe for the moment but I was concerned that he might come after me when we opened the gate in the morning. I just stood there for a while with a dominant posture and avoided direct eye contact, talked to him in a firm voice and he eventually settled down. The other dogs behind him also became calm.
At the end of our shift he started following me as I walked to my car and I realized that if I ran he'd see me as prey so I stopped and stood my ground again. At home I washed my uniform twice and cleaned myself up but the stench was coming out of my pores and there was still a faint smell on my uniform. Dogs have an incredible sense of smell and there was plenty of the odor coming off of me for Willie to pick up on. For the next several days he would always have his eye on me and would act aggressively at the fence until I spoke firmly and stood tall.

The days turned to weeks and I decided to try to become proper friends with Willie so I started giving him some of the dog food through the fence. It took a few months but eventually Willie learned to trust me and would lie down outside the fence happily and excitedly wagging his tail and roll around in the grass whenever he'd see me. His pack was always about 20 feet behind him and they were also much less aggressive towards me. They still didn't like any of the workers though and would only respond to me. It got to the point where I could freely walk around outside of the complex without having to worry about being attacked. Willie would stay several yards behind me, with his pack behind him, and they would all stop in their tracks when I stopped walking. After more time feeding and talking to him Willie finally let me give him scritches and pets and he started to learn basic commands. I could yell "WILLIE, HERE!" from anywhere on the compound and within a matter of seconds Willie and at least one other dog would come right to me at the fence.

Eventually I became the commander of a pack of wild loving dogs. I felt like a superhero. I had minions. I was legion. I was DogMan.

isaboo
Nov 10, 2002

I can destroy you


Part III
Chapter 1: Gettin some tail

Lazy Nate decided he wanted to up his drug game so despite everyone telling him it was a terrible idea he began selling cocaine and heroin. The latter he didn't have much of so he was mostly slinging coke but that was enough to attract the types of people that Randy and I didn't want coming around. Nate began giving Randy some cash to shut up about it and that was the end of any protest. Once a lot more cash started rolling in Nate was getting pretty bold and was flaunting what he thought was his power. He came up with another idea, and it was one that I actually liked at first.

Having been a bouncer in and around Los Angeles for a couple of years prior to this job, I made a few friends in the porn industry. I knew a couple of legit actresses and some lighting techs and people that claimed they directed. Nate knew this and suggested that we allow them to use the facility for film shoots in exchange for cash and as he put it, "some rear end every now and then". I told him that's not really how it works but someone might be interested in using the complex if there was a "sexy secretary blows and fucks dog food covered factory worker" script out there somewhere. He convinced me to at least ask if anyone wanted a place to shoot and to tell them that he would even provide some cocaine. I knew this was going to be a shitshow in some way but I was excited to see exactly how.

The first porn shoot went pretty well all things considered. The crew and actors were some pretty low budget amateurish dipshits that barely knew how to set up but it was fun to watch. I remember that MelonHead poked his head out from somewhere and watched intently for a while. They gave us some cash and cleaned everything up and left without incident so I was happy to give this a few more tries.

Soon we had a shoot scheduled that I was really looking forward to because I had come to know one of the actresses and she was a blast to be around. Nate provided everyone with coke (I cant stand the stuff so I never used it) and everyone was amped up and ready to begin filming. We were in an office in the front part of the factory building and just outside of the open office door was a short hallway with a pair of freely swinging double doors at the far end.

Anna the actress and her male co-star were just getting to some blowjob action when we heard a commotion outside. Anna kept on suckin' but a couple of us turned to leave the office and check it out when all of a sudden the double doors were flung open and all I could see was a black shape low to the ground coming right at me. loving MelonHead. A second later Willie came smashing through the door right behind the cat. MelonHead ran into the office with Willie right behind him, both of them knocking into chairs and portable lights and camera stands as they ran around the room for a bit then headed right back outside. It scared Anna so bad she said she almost bit off the actor's dick.






We got everything set up again and continued on with the shoot and finally got it done.

It was odd to see Willie chasing MelonHead. They didn't like each other, that much had been apparent, but they rarely invaded each other's territory and I had never seen Willie go after him. I guessed it was just because Willie felt emboldened to venture further onto the property since he had a human pal there now. After this happened Randy and Nate and I would argue over who would win in a battle royale between the beasts. Willie was my boy and all but it was hard to discount MelonHead. Randy's money was always on the kitty.

isaboo fucked around with this message at 21:31 on Feb 22, 2020

Reiche
Jan 28, 2009

I like my coffee with cream and lsd.


Gotta be honest here, I was pretty worried when I read the title to part III after part II's ending

ContraBoss
Dec 6, 2005

Well *I* only read the New Yorker and eat Fancy Feast.


Please tell me this ends with a robber being processed into dog food and fed to Willie or Melonhead. It seems Mr. Kitten just wants human flesh, afterall.

Chrs
Sep 21, 2015



The last story thread was great. Looking forward to the rest of this one

Drunk Nerds
Jan 25, 2011

Just close your eyes

Fun Shoe

Willie the Pimp? But it's Melonhead who seems to prefer hot rats!

Also :5: you have a great flair for storytelling

Daikloktos
Jan 1, 2020



You should self-publish a book; I'd definitely buy a copy

By popular demand
Jul 17, 2007

IT *BZZT* WASP ME--
IT WASP ME ALL *BZZT* ALONG!


Willie The Pimp chased some fiesty pussy?

Jose
Jul 24, 2007



Daikloktos posted:

You should self-publish a book; I'd definitely buy a copy

Lol the last goon who got convinced to do this has a helldump thread that is still readable

Daikloktos
Jan 1, 2020



Jose posted:

Lol the last goon who got convinced to do this has a helldump thread that is still readable


God, I miss classic GBS

Pewdiepie
Oct 31, 2010
NAZI SCUM BUT NOW WITHOUT THE OFFENSIVE IMAGERY


Im not reading about your dumb rear end mall cop job op. gently caress you.

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

isaboo
Nov 10, 2002

I can destroy you


Part III
Chapter 2: Tails of violence.

Nate was pretty happy because he was selling a lot to the cast and crews and his business was pretty strong in general. He started keeping larger and larger quantities on site and that's something we argued about all the drat time but Randy didn't care so that was that. It was not uncommon for Nate to have a couple kilos.

Word got around and I was approached by a director that wanted to do something a bit bigger and use more of the interior of the factory. I didn't know this person much at all but someone I trusted vetted him for me and said he was cool. I finally gave in and set everything up. This crew was supposedly going to be larger than we had seen before so I was nervous about having too many people to keep track of inside. I wasn't afraid they would steal any company property because there wasn't anything valuable in the facility. Except for Nate's drugs.

The night of the shoot rolled around and we had the gate open and everything on our end ready to go and we were just waiting for the crew to show up. A van pulled up and three men got out and started unloading cameras and lighting equipment. Everything seemed odd to me right from the start. They were acting nervous and weren't really doing anything with the equipment; they were just kind of shuffling it all around. Finally Alan the "director" that had approached me arrived and started organizing everything so I felt a bit at ease although I did notice that no actressess or actors had shown up and the crew was smaller than we expected.

Willie did not like what he was seeing. I noticed that he and a couple of other dogs were walking along the fence trying to stay out of sight of these strangers yet they were very keenly interested in them for some reason. That made me nervous again.

"Yo man, those fuckin dogs aren't gonna cause us any trouble are they?" said Alan. "They look fuckin wild."
Chuckling to myself I replied "Nah, they're pretty skittish. They're not aggressive at all. I'll toss 'em some dog food away from us."

I got some food and walked a good distance away from all the activity and put it down for the dogs. They made their way over and were eating it but they still kept their eyes on the crew. Willie was acting pretty strange; he was pacing and growling and baring his teeth. I was getting pretty unsettled now too. Something was definitely about to go down.

I went back to where everything was being set up and noticed Alan talking excitedly to Nate and Randy. Alan's three crew members and I walked over to them and I could feel the tension rising. Alan's goons encircled us and two of them brandished handguns.

"Where's the cocaine?" Alan said.
"It isn't here" replied Nate.
"I know it's here, we've had eyes on you, give us the coke."
Randy tried to placate them. "Look, we have just enough for the 3 of us, maybe a little more. You guys can have all that now and we can get you more later."
"Give. Us. The. loving. Coke."

I could see the guys with the guns tightening their grips and getting a little jumpy so I said something like "Ok, ok. We don't want any trouble. We can get you the drugs. Just give us some time. It's not exactly in an easy to reach place."
"How much time?"
"Just a few minutes", I said. I was just trying to get us some kind of advantage. I was not positive where Nate kept his stash though I thought it might be in one of the smaller buildings. "Let me talk to Nate and Randy for a minute".

The three of us gathered away from Alan and his guys and I said "loving hell, Nate. This is what your coke has done for us. What now?"
Nate was not coming up with anything and in fact could barely speak so it was up to me and Randy.
"Randy, let's try to separate them. Alan is a wuss and I know I can take a couple of his guys. I'll stay with Alan and you two go get the stash."
Randy said "I got this. Follow my lead." Randy looked ready for business. I had never seen him look so present.

I told Alan "Okay. Nate and Randy will go get the stash and bring it back here". I fully expected Alan's response.
"gently caress no, you two ain't going nowhere alone." He motioned to two of his guys to go with them. One of them had a gun.

Alan took the other gun from his partner and I stayed with the two of them.
"Your friends better not gently caress me over or you'll be hosed too" he said.
I stood there trying to think of our next play.

When I realized what Randy was doing I nervously laughed because it would be a goddamn brilliant idea if it worked. He wasn't leading them directly to the stash. He was taking them right past MelonHead's lair.

As Randy walked past MelonHead Manor, he kicked it and spun away from the opening. MelonHead let out his blood curdling, absolutely terrifying signature "FFFFTTTTHHHIIIISSSSSSSS" and bolted out of his house. He stopped and looked up at the invading humans, bared his teethed and hissed once again. This caught the thugs by surprise and they all jumped backward yelling "WHAT THE gently caress!!". I couldn't really see what was happening at this point but as Randy told me later he used his big heavy flashlight to crack the dude with the gun right in his head, knocking him down. Nate actually made himself useful and grabbed the weapon as Randy tackled the other guy and started beating on him.

Alan, his goon, and myself heard the commotion and could only see shapes moving around frantically but we knew something bad was going down. Alan forced me to start walking over to the others, him a few feet behind me with his gun pointed at my back. His partner started running toward them and Alan shoved me forward from behind and I picked up the pace.

Then out of the corner of my eye I saw Him at the gate. The One. The Pimp. With his entire pack. And he did not look happy.

I barely got the words "WILLIE, HERE!" out of my mouth before Willie was on his way, charging at Alan like a goddamn maniac. His teeth were bared, ears pinned back, his one eye seemingly completely focused on Alan's throat. I'm pretty sure this is all Alan could see...





I thought "My god, he is going to kill and eat this dude for real oh gently caress oh gently caress oh gently caress" and as I spun around Alan's attention was on this crazy wild beast bearing down him. I grabbed Alan's weapon hand and headbutted him in the side of his head and a split second later Willie was on top of him, knocking him to the ground. I kept hold of Alan's wrist and managed to get the gun free as he went down. He was trying to scramble away but Willie had him by his leg. Willie had his entire mouth around Alan's calf and was NOT letting go. A few more seconds passed and another dog joined Willie in attacking Alan while other dogs were heading toward Nate, Randy, and the thugs. The lone guy that was heading toward them stopped in his tracks not sure of what to do or where to go with the beastly tornado of teeth around him. One of the dogs jumped at him and got a pretty good bite of his rear end.



I tried to pull Willie off of Alan by grabbing Willie's hind legs but he would just not let go. The small dog was jumping around trying to bite Alan's face. I didn't know what else to do and I didn't want to see Willie literally chew this dude's throat out and I knew that was where it was headed so I fired the gun into the air. Willie immediately let go and the two dogs ran off to join the others. Alan was screaming and holding his leg trying to stop the bleeding. I joined the rest of the pack and the humans and fired the gun into the ground. Everyone stopped, Willie looked at me and I yelled "WILLIE, GO!" and he let out a whimper and ran off with his pack following him.

We all just stood there for a few moments looking at each other not believing what just happened. Randy then took the gun from Nate and we led the shitheads back to where Alan was still on the ground crying and screaming and bleeding. I could see shreds of flesh hanging off of his leg.

"I hope you know how to get blood out of pants, buddy" said Randy while leaning over and laughing at Alan. I have to admit, I laughed at that one.

We led Alan and his gang to their vehicles and I once more yelled "WILLIE, HERE!" and about 5 seconds later he was right behind me, growling at Alan. With their own guns pointed at them, and a pack of very bloodthirsty dogs at my command, the would be robbers were happy just to get out of there mostly intact. None of us wanted to involve the cops for obvious reasons so we allowed them to leave after making drat sure they understood this was the end of it and not to ever show their faces around us again. Willie never took his eye off of Alan. I think that was the message that got through.

Nate, having been silent nearly the entire time since it all started finally spoke. Under his breath, in a half hearted and fatigued voice, he said "ABBA dabba doo?".

Alan and his cronies drove away and we all just sat there on the ground in silence, with Willie close to my side. Eventually he put his head in my lap, sighed, wagged his tail, and closed his eye. That is without a doubt one of my fondest memories of anything ever, and I have five kids.

As we were sitting there staring at nothing MelonHead walked in front of us, stopped and dropped the rat that was in his mouth, looked directly at me and with a soft and quiet "Meow".... sauntered off into the darkness.


And that's how I a dog named Willie and a cat named MelonHead thwarted a drug robbery.

isaboo
Nov 10, 2002

I can destroy you


Drunk Nerds posted:

Willie the Pimp? But it's Melonhead who seems to prefer hot rats!

Also :5: you have a great flair for storytelling

hahaha nice catch!

I had been listening to a lot of Frank Zappa at the time and that's what inspired the name for Willie

Mnoba
Jun 24, 2010
Racist Trump supporter please do not try to engage in good faith. Mock him.

Oh yeah and I'll keep buying this avatar so I mean you can change it if you want but I'm changing it when I notice.

jesus

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Platystemon
Feb 13, 2012
Probation
Can't post for 6 hours!



I read this as here he beats in the forest and expected one of your coworkers to take breaks out there.

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