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The literary snobs at Asimov Science Fiction Magazine, Analog, Weird Tales, and the guy at the comic shop's self-published fantasy zine all think they're too good for the epic tales of Strongo, the Legendary Warrior so I'm starting my own pulp anthology magazine right here in this thread! Awfully Weird Tales is looking for sci-fi, fantasy and horror short fiction that is too raw and powerful for the fuddy duddy bigshots. There's no entry fee and no editor. Break out your best pulp and post it here! I'll kick things off with a never before published Strongo adventure.
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Mar 17, 2020 20:39
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STRONGO AND THE HAUNTED PRINCESS Princess Shwinga was sleeping peacefully on her fancy bed when all of a sudden she was awakened by horrifying ghosts! “Woooooo!” the ghosts yelled, swooping around the room. The princess screamed and ran naked out of the room. “Guards! Guards!” she yelled. The guards came running. They were big and strong with huge muscles and spears. “Get those ghosts out of here!” she told them. One look at the ghosts and the guards went totally white with fear. They threw down their spears and ran for their lives! “What I need is a man without fear,” said the princess. “Then you need Strongo, the legendary warrior!” said the wise woman. *** Strongo and his best friends Weeko and Beautia arrived at the palace the next day. “This will be a nice change from fighting the Bad Wizard,” said Weeko. “I’m sick of his evil schemes and disguises.” “I agree,” said Beautia. Princess Shwinga met them at the door. She was dressed in clear silk and sparkling gems. “Is it true that you fear nothing?” she asked Strongo. “It is true,” said Strongo. “And is it true you’re the strongest man in the world?” asked the princess. “That’s also true,” said Strongo. “Then you can help me,” said the princess. “What will be my reward?” asked Strongo. Princess Shwinga opened her dress to show Strongo her naked breasts. They were very round. “You shall have my body,” said the princess. Beautia’s green eye flashed with jealousy. Her blue eye looked as cold as ice. Strongo shook his head. “Beautia was built from the most beautiful parts of the most beautiful women in the world,” said Strongo. “Compared to her, you’re as ugly as a baboon.” Princess Shwinga frowned angrily. Beautia smiled and blushed. The princess clapped her hands and two muscular guards came in carrying a huge treasure chest. “Then what about this?” she asked. The guards opened the chest. It was full of shiny gold! Beautia’s mouth was watering just looking at it. Weeko’s eyes shined like gold coins. “He’ll do it!” said Beautia and Weeko together. “That is good,” said Shwinga. The princess led Strongo and his friends to her bedroom. It was full of ghosts swooping around and screeching at the top of their lungs. “This is a really nice bedroom,” said Beautia. “Except for the screeching ghosts,” said Weeko. “I fear nothing,” said Strongo. “These ghosts are as good as dead.” He drew his sword and stepped into the room. “Die, ghosts!” he yelled and charged. The ghosts screamed and swooped at him. Strongo swung his sword like crazy, but the blade just passed through them as if they were made of mist! “It’s as if they’re made of mist!” yelled Strongo. “My sword can’t cut them!” Princess Shwinga looked sad. “I guess I’ll have to move into a new palace,” she said. “Maybe instead of fighting, maybe we should try to make friends,” said Beautia. Weeko laughed. “You obviously know nothing about ghosts,” said Weeko. “But what else can we do?” asked Beautia. Suddenly the wise woman appeared. “There is only one way to fight these ghosts,” said the wise woman. “Who are you?” asked Strongo. “This is my new wise woman,” said Princess Shwinga. “My old one died.” “Only the Ghost Crystal from the top of Mount Terror has the power to drive off such powerful spirits,” said the wise woman. “Mount Terror!” Weeko yelled. His teeth started to chatter. “That’s the most terrifying mountain in the world!” “Only a man without fear could conquer such a mountain,” said Princess Shwinga. “I am such a man,” said Strongo. “Then you shall conquer the mountain,” said the wise woman. “Do I have to come?” asked Weeko. His knees were knocking together loudly. “Yes,” said Strongo. “Gulp,” said Weeko. “I’m also coming,” said Beautia. “Beware the mountain’s three challenges,” said the wise woman. *** Three days later, Strongo, Weeko, and Beautia were at the shore of the boiling lake that surrounded Mount Terror. Steam from the lake covered the whole mountain in an evil fog. “This is the first of Mount Terror’s three challenges,” said Beautia. “The boiling lake.” Weeko dipped in a toe. “Yeowch!” he yelled. His toe was bright red! “It’s too hot to swim across,” said Weeko. “We need a bridge,” said Beautia. Strongo went into the forest and chopped down a tall tree with a single slash. He carried it over and laid it across the lake like a bridge. “Now we can cross,” said Strongo. They’d barely even put one foot on the bridge when all of a sudden there was a loud roar and a huge sea monster exploded out of the lake! It thrashed its long tail and smashed the log bridge to smithereens. “Why you!” Strongo yelled. He charged at the monster with his sword, but before he could get close, it dove back into the lake. Boiling water splashed everywhere! “It burns!” yelled Strongo. “No one can cross that lake as long as the monster is guarding it,” said Weeko. “Come out and fight!” Strongo yelled at the water. The monster would not come out. “Maybe if we made friends with the monster, it would let us ride across on its back,” said Beautia. “That’s stupid,” said Strongo. They spent all day trying to cross, but the monster stopped them every time. That night, they camped on the shore of the boiling lake. “Tomorrow I’ll try filling the lake with boulders,” said Strongo. When Strongo and Weeko were asleep, Beautia snuck to the edge of the water and started to sing. “Come out, lake monster, come out!” she sang. Her voice was so beautiful that the lake monster came to the surface to listen. “Don’t be afraid,” said Beautia. The monster came closer and put its head on the shore. Beautia scratched the monster under the chin. “Your scales are lovely,” said Beautia. The monster started to purr. When Strongo and Weeko woke up the next morning, they couldn’t believe it: Beautia was riding around on the monster’s back! “Is Beautia on the monster’s side now?” asked Weeko. “I think the monster is on our side,” said Strongo. The monster carried all three of them across the boiling lake. “Thank you!” Beautia blew the monster a kiss. It waved its tail at her and swam away. “Now to climb the mountain,” said Strongo. The fog was so thick they could barely see anything. A scary howl echoed around the woods. “This place gives me the creeps,” said Weeko. “Stay close to me, I’ll protect you,” said Strongo. Weeko hugged Strongo as tight as he could. “Is this close enough?” he asked. “For now,” said Strongo. *** They’d barely gone halfway up the mountain when a huge, two-headed warrior appeared out of the mist! His faces were covered by terrifying masks. “The second challenge,” said Beautia. “The two-headed warrior!” “Let us pass or be destroyed!” Strongo told it. “Whatever you do to me, I’ll do double back to you!” yelled one of the giant’s heads. Strongo charged at the giant and punched him as hard as he could. The punch barely jiggled the giant’s big, fat belly. “Ha ha! That tickles!” laughed the heads. The giant drew back a huge fist and punched Strongo so hard that he flew back and crashed through a tree. “Wowee!” said Weeko. “Are you okay?” asked Beautia. “I’m just getting warmed up!” said Strongo. He jumped at the giant and punched five times as hard as before! The giant only laughed. The punch hadn’t hurt him at all! “My turn!” said the left head. He pulled back his fist and smacked Strongo so hard he crashed through ten trees! “Time to use my sword,” said Strongo. He was feeling a little dizzy. “Wait!” said Beautia. “His sword is twice as big as yours, he’ll cut you in half!” “Not if I cut him first!” said Strongo. “Stop!” screamed Beautia. “I’m afraid he’ll kill you!” “I fear nothing,” said Strongo. “Can we at least try my way first?” asked Beautia. “What’s your way?” asked Weeko. “Making friends,” said Beautia. “Just don’t expect me to bail you out if you get in trouble,” said Weeko. Beautia walked up to the giant warrior. “Fighting looks like hungry work,” Beautia said to them. “Would you like to have some of our snacks?” “Yes I would love that,” said the left head in a nice voice. “Me too,” said the right head. Strongo and Weeko were both too surprised to talk! After the giant finished their snacks they said, “Because you showed us kindness, we shall be doubly kind to you.” They stepped aside and pointed up the mountain. “Beyond lies the Forest of Fears,” said the giant. “To pass through, you must face your greatest fear. That will guide you to the Ghost Crystal.” “I fear nothing,” said Strongo. “All men have fears,” said the giant before disappearing into the mist. “Especially me!” said Weeko. His teeth chattered loudly. *** “The final challenge,” said Beautia. “The Forest of Fears.” All the trees had scary faces on them and branches like claws. “Let me know how it goes!” said Weeko. He tried to walk away but Strongo grabbed him by the collar. “We’re all going in,” said Strongo. “But our greatest fears are in there!” Weeko whined. “Not mine,” said Strongo. He walked forward into the mist. Beautia and Weeko followed, but they couldn’t find him! Then they realized: they couldn’t even find each other! “Strongo, where are you?” called Weeko. He was so scared, he even wished Beautia were there! Then a shadow appeared in the mist. “Strongo! Thank goodness!” said Weeko. The shadow got bigger. “Strongo, you’re s-scaring me!” said Weeko. His teeth started to chatter again. The shadow had red glowing eyes. Weeko screamed and ran. *** “Strongo?” Beautia called. “Strongo?” She couldn’t see anything in this fog! Then a shadow appeared in the mist. It was too small to be Strongo. “Weeko is that you?” asked Beautia. Princess Shwinga stepped out of the mist. “Princess, what are you doing here?” asked Beautia. “I’m here to marry Strongo,” said the Princess. “Strongo would never marry you,” said Beautia. “You’re not pretty enough!” “Look again,” said the princess. Suddenly Beautia realized the princess was a hundred times as beautiful as before! She was even more beautiful than Beautia! “Nooooooo!” Beautia cried. Princess Shwinga laughed evilly. “See you at the wedding,” said the princess. She started to walk away. Beautia curled up on the ground and started to cry out of her blue eye. Her worst fear was coming true! Then she remembered the giant’s words. “Time to face my fear,” said Beautia. She got up and followed the sound of evil laughter into the mist. *** As soon as Strongo stepped into the forest, the mist cleared. He could see Weeko and Beautia the whole time, but they were acting strange. “What are you two doing?” he asked. But they didn’t act like they could see or hear him! Suddenly, Weeko screamed for no reason and ran away down the mountain! Strongo was about to follow when he saw Beautia crying on the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked Strongo. He tried to comfort her, but she still couldn’t see or hear him! “I’m right here!” he shouted. Beautia got up and started walking up the mountain. “Where are you going?” said Strongo. “Stop!” He tried to grab her, but his hand went right through her like mist! Beautia kept walking further into the forest until he couldn’t see her. That was when Strongo realized he did fear something after all: he was afraid of losing Beautia! “Wait for me!” said Strongo. *** Beautia stepped out of the misty forest and found herself at the very top of the mountain. She was surprised to see Strongo next to her. “Strongo, where did you come from?” she asked. “I’ve been by your side the whole time!” said Strongo. “Where’s Weeko?” asked Beautia. “He’ll be fine,” said Strongo. “He ran back down the mountain.” Beautia looked around. “Where’s the Ghost Crystal?” she asked. Suddenly a huge ghost appeared! It was the ghost of a giant woman covered in sparkling gems. “I am the guardian spirit of Mount Terror. You have both faced your fears and proven yourselves worthy of the Ghost Crystal,” said the Guardian Spirit. She held out her hand and a green crystal appeared in a flash of light. Beautia took it from her. “Thank you,” said Beautia. “Remember the lessons you’ve learned on the mountain,” said the Guardian Spirit. She smiled and faded away into nothing. “We’d better go get Weeko before he runs right down into the boiling lake,” said Strongo. *** Three days later, they were back at the palace. “Did you get the Ghost Crystal?” asked Princess Shwinga. She looked very tired. “Here it is,” said Strongo. “How do we use it to fight the ghosts?” asked Weeko. “Give it to me,” said the wise woman. “Only I know how to use its magic.” The wise woman snatched the green crystal out of Strongo’s hands. “Please hurry,” said the princess. “I haven’t slept for six days!” “Ha ha ha!” laughed the wise woman. “You fool! You’ll never sleep again!” “I recognize that laugh!” said Strongo. The wise woman threw off her disguise. “The Bad Wizard!” yelled everyone together. “That’s right!” said the Bad Wizard. “I tricked you, and now that I have the power of the Ghost Crystal, no one can stop me!” “Oh yeah?” Strongo jumped at the Bad Wizard. The Bad Wizard pointed the Ghost Crystal at Strongo and said a magic word. Suddenly Strongo was a ghost! Ghost Strongo tried to slash the Bad Wizard with his sword, but it just went through him! “Guards, seize him!” yelled Princess Shwinga. The Bad Wizard only laughed and turned the guards into ghosts, too. Their spears just passed through him. “How will we stop him when he can turn anyone he wants into a ghost?” asked Beautia. “Ha ha ha!” laughed the Bad Wizard. “That’s not all this crystal can do!” The Bad Wizard said another magic word and the crystal started to shake. It floated up into the air. “I don’t like the looks of this!” said Weeko. Suddenly hundreds of evil ghosts poured out of the crystal! Weeko, Beautia and Shwinga were surrounded! “With my ghost army, I shall conquer the world!” said the Bad Wizard. “How can we fight them?” asked Weeko. Beautia remembered the words of the Guardian Spirit reminding her to remember the lessons of the mountain. “We can’t fight them,” said Beautia. “We have to try a different way.” “You can’t be serious!” said Weeko. “The only way to tame a restless ghost is through kindness,” said Beautia. She walked up to the closest ghost and gave it a big hug. The ghost stopped being evil and turned nice. “Thank you,” said the ghost. He turned and hugged the ghost next to him. That ghost turned nice also! Weeko and Shwinga both rubbed their eyes. They couldn’t believe it! “Start hugging ghosts!” yelled Beautia. Weeko and Shwinga started hugging every ghost they could reach. Each ghost they hugged turned nice and started hugging more ghosts. “What are you doing?” screamed the Bad Wizard. “You’re ruining my evil army! Stop! Stop!” The Bad Wizard turned Beautia, Weeko and Shwinga into ghosts, but even that didn’t stop them from hugging! “Curse you!” yelled the Bad Wizard. “And curse this useless crystal!” In a fit of rage, the Bad Wizard smashed the Ghost Crystal on the floor. The army of ghosts vanished instantly in a puff of smoke. Strongo and the others who’d been turned into ghosts were suddenly human again! “Uh oh,” said the Bad Wizard. “Now you die for real!” yelled Strongo. Before Strongo could cut off his head, the Bad Wizard snatched one of the crystal shards of the ground and turned himself into a ghost! Strongo’s attack just passed through the Bad Wizard. “Not again!” said Strongo. “Now to destroy you!” said the Bad Wizard. The Bad Wizard tried to pick up the shard of the Ghost Crystal, but his hand just went through it. “Curses! I’ll get you for this, Strongo! If it’s the last thing I do!” yelled the Bad Wizard. “You’ll have to figure out how to turn yourself back from being a ghost, first,” said Beautia. The Bad Wizard screamed with rage and flew away out the window. “Now that the Bad Wizard is a ghost, do you think we can turn him good by giving him a hug?” asked Beautia. “I don’t think there’s a ghost of a chance,” said Shwinga. Everybody in the palace laughed, even the ghosts. The End
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Mar 17, 2020 20:40
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Also introducing a new serialized adventure: CAPTAIN TALON vs. THE PLANT MONSTERS Chapter 1: Planetary Mystery Captain Drake Talon stood on the bridge of his spaceship, the Fearless. Talon was a tallish, muscular man who obviously worked out. He had piercing amber colored eyes that gave the appearance of looking into one’s soul. He took a swig of whiskey from the bottle he held at his side and scratched his stubbly beard with his other hand. He was a mercenary. He didn’t like strange things he couldn’t understand. That’s why he came to outer space. He was looking for somewhere simple, empty. That’s why he didn’t like what he saw out the window of his ship. It was a planet, but not like an ordinary planet. This one was pure green. “Scanner, give me a status report.” He barked at his science officer. The science officer’s real name was Zack Jefferson, but everyone called him “Scanner” because he worked the scanner systems. He was always wearing sunglasses and a long t-shirt with videogames on them. “I say we fight it!” said Flame. His real name was Jim Blaster, but everyone called him “Flame” because of his fiery temper and his flaming red hair. He was the ship’s strongest fighter and second best pilot after Talon. “You always say that,” joked Chuckles. Chuckles was a real comedian named Buster Bean who’d joined the mercenaries when his sister was kidnapped by Dark Lord Gerald in the middle of one of his shows. Talon helped him get her back. She was standing next to them now. She was dressed conservatively in a tank top that didn’t show much of her large boobs and pants that weren’t very tight, but instead just barely showed her legs’ shape. Her name was Lima. Her hair had blue streaks. The streaks weren’t dye; it was a special microcomputer that could be woven into hair. The computer is what gave her her telekinetic powers. Lima lifted a teacup to her lips with her mind. She smiled. “I’m not sensing anything with my mind powers” she said. “So that rules out psychic energy,” said Talon, frowning at the green planet ahead of them “So what could make a planet completely green?” “Scans are showing 100% plantlife,” said Scanner. “Well, that explains it,” said Sureshot. Sureshot was Black. He had a sniper rifle slung across his back that he carried everywhere, even to bed. “It doesn’t explain how we could run into an uncharted planet in the middle of a charted system like this!” said Talon, pointing at the navigation computer. The words “Uncharted Planet!” flashed on the screen, but the other planets orbiting the star were known. This planet had just come out of nowhere! No wonder Talon’s Dogs had been hired by the Galactic Order Government to investigate. “Selena, could you have an error in your system?” Talon asked. The images of the uncharted planet vanished from the computer monitors and were replaced by the angry face of a young girl. “My systems are perfect as always!” she huffed. Selena was the name of the girl who lived inside the computer. She was what was called an Avatar, the name given to computer personalities. She was modeled after a supermodel on Earth. The image zoomed out from her face to reveal that she was wearing a bikini. Numbers danced around her fingertips as she manipulated pure math, trying to figure out how the planet could have gone uncharted for so long when there were also two city planets in the same star system. “I’m stumped!” said Selena. “According to my calculations, this planet is impossible!” “So what do we do now?” asked Sureshot. “Isn’t it obvious?” said Talon. “We go down there and find out!” said Flame. To Be Continued...
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Mar 17, 2020 20:42
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Awfully Weird Tales is also looking for illustrations by the way!
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Mar 17, 2020 20:48
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Princess Shwinga is sort of the Cheryll Blossom to Weeko and Beautia’s Betty & Veronica.
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Mar 17, 2020 22:07
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LIL' BEEPY PART 1 Lil' Beepy was a good little beeper. There wasn't a beep you could imagine that he hadn't long since mastered. He handled bloops. He handled blips. He handled bleedilybeeps. His beep was most assuredly the greatest of all beeps and he knew that for a fact because he was almost always getting beeps back that told him what a good job he was doing! He wasn't precisely sure what it was that was beeping back at him because he couldn't turn around and look in that direction if he tried. It was very very important that he always be looking in exactly the right direction because what direction he was looking and what precisely he was looking at was for the most part everything he had ever needed to beep about. He had woken up just in time to fly past all the little brown ovals and he had beeped about it. He had gotten a satisfied beep from somewhere in response. He had never gotten one of those before but he knew it meant he was doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing because that was the kind of beep he had received and he was thrilled! He had flown past the big orange sphere and he had beeped about it. He received a very happy return beep after he finished circling that for a few beeps. He had beeped as he passed the smaller blue sphere and even though he had to beep a few different times to get a return beep he had gotten one and his fusion reactor was practically glowing with pride! The beep he had gotten back was definitely a good beep but it was also the kind of beep that told him that he should expect beeps to take a little longer from now on. Lil Beepy didn't want to wait but he was a good little beeper so he would. Eventually he had finished beeping about the smaller blue sphere and he found himself beeping in the direction of what could only be the next thing he had to beep about, the great vast emptiness. The return beep he had gotten for reporting that one had felt less than stellar but it was still proud that he would beep like he did because beeping is what he was meant to do and so having beeped about it meant that everything was going as planned. Lil Beepy had learned that he couldn't just beep anytime he wanted. He had to see something to beep! And he didn't see anything! Lil Beepy did not beep again until he finally saw what looked like billions of tiny shimmering light blue chunky things all wrapping around eachother in what appeared to be a very chilly loop of some kind. He beeped like mad! After all it had been an awfully long time since he had gotten to beep about anything and he had started to worry he wouldn't even be able to beep when the time came! This time the return beep was very happy again even if it took a very long time indeed to respond and Lil' Beepy got instructions to look at all kinds of the little light blue chunks and he beeped when he saw very big chunks and he beeped when he saw very small chunks. He beeped for what seemed like so many beeps that he started to wonder if he had finally found the best thing to beep about in all of this gigantic universe of beeps and boops that he found himself in. He discovered that he didn't have to worry at all though because the beep he had gotten just moments ago had told him he was to continue on past the light blue chunks and to see what else he could possibly see out beyond. Except...Immediately after he received a new beep that told him not to expect to be doing any beeps any time soon at all. That had Lil Beepy upset because he very much loved beeping but he was a good beep and he would do what he was told no matter how he felt about it personally. So he waited and he traveled and he traveled and he waited but he never saw anything that he could beep about. Lil' Beepy wasn't just unhappy by this point he was utterly miserable! It took its toll on Lil Beepy and before long he found himself wondering what he had done wrong to deserve this. He had loved beeping and he believed that beeping had loved him back! Now he had no love. He was alone. He was depressed. He very much wanted to beep about it and so eventually his spirits had broken down so badly that he did just that. He let out a low sad beep and kept beeping for a long long time until eventually he felt like even though he was still very very sad he had at least exercised the restlessness in his body and he felt like he could resign himself to doing what he had been told and that he could make it at least a little longer without having anything to beep about. That's when suddenly everything changed. Lil' Beepy felt something he had never ever felt before. He felt a beep but it wasn't the kind of beep he was used to. And it wasn't coming from the direction he had come to expect these beeps to come from. He wondered if he should beep about it but he had been told only to beep if he saw something and he hadn't seen anything! He didn't know what to do he had never been given any beeps about this! He mulled over this state of affairs with great worry and confusion. He didn't want to get in trouble for beeping out of turn, he had risked that enough already and it hadn't even been long enough that he would have been expecting a return beep admonishing him for beeping when he shouldn't have earlier from behind himself. Lil' Beepy resolved to wait for further instructions or until he saw something. It wasn't long however before eventually Lil Beepy saw something he had never seen before and he beeped like he had never beeped before! It was a kind of oscillating BWEEWOOO BWEEEWOO BWEEWOO that had emerged from his beeper and he wondered very much what it could mean. He also wondered what the large black triangle he was being sucked inside of meant also. He didn't know what to expect but he sure knew how he was going to handle it! reignofevil fucked around with this message at 22:42 on Mar 17, 2020 |
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Mar 17, 2020 22:39
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Lil’ Beepy better be ok!
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Mar 17, 2020 22:44
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The current Lil' Beepy publishing goal is going to be one part per day so all of our readers will just have to wait with bated breath!
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Mar 17, 2020 22:51
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I'm glad you were unable to profit off that strongo trash, it wouldn't have been surprising.
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Mar 18, 2020 01:40
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SilvergunSuperman posted:I'm glad you were unable to profit off that strongo trash, it wouldn't have been surprising. The real profits are the joy my stories bring to others.
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Mar 18, 2020 02:50
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Day of the Nightstriders The high-noon sun rested on Jam's bare shoulder like the hand of an old friend. As she carefully replanted turnip tops from the kitchen bins into garden plots for the umpteenth cycle of regrowth, a rare feeling of calm washed over her like a luxurious drug. Just a few hours ago such a feeling would be impossible to find for any price. Just a few hours from now would be no different. But right now, there was warmth, and light, and safety. The noon horn blew, loud and low and creaky, from the northwest watch tower where a legless old man gripped the instrument and the ladder with equal tenacity. Stumpy was a good watchman with keen eyes, and he could scramble across the metal ramparts with surprising speed. Unlike the guards he was always on duty, living in the tower as he did, and the town knew his voice not from conversations but from proclamations, made in his dual role as lookout and town clock. "Hiiiiiiigh noooooon!" Stumpy sang in his deep, sonorous voice to all the gardeners, scavengers, children and merchants and guards, and a sigh of relief rose from them all instinctively. The Mayor of FORT TOWN, a squat woman in a threadbare tuxedo, nodded in approval from her balcony. Doctor Sawz, with her blood-stained smock and magnifying lens fringed sombrero, took a well-deserved breather between patients. Even Old lovely the cat butcher could be caught smiling, if you knew when to look. The changing of the front-gate guards, like the noon horn, was a beloved exercise in normalcy, and little children on their lunch recess gathered to watch all the pomp and tradition in a state of hands-in-mouths awe. Some of them, those whose families could scrounge enough food and repel enough hardship, would someday be strong enough to be guards themselves, and played at it with rebar swords and scrap metal shields in preparation. Others waited for a glimpse through the gate, a bulldozer's blade lined with stop signs that hinged outward by hand-hammered pulleys and ancient metal cables to let the outer patrol switch for fresh replacements, then snapped shut again by sheer gravity. For that brief moment one could see a world outside the corrugated walls and razorwire, a world of mountains sitting in meditative poses at the far end of the great desert, behind shimmering plains of sand. Jam remembered waiting for that moment every day as a child, for the chance to focus her eyes on something further than the half mile radius of FORT TOWN. As an adult it was no different: she jumped at garden duty for this small luxury alone. It was a chance for her to see those mountains every day, to embrace the distant fantasies of a child and be amazed again. "Alllllll's cleeeeeeear!" Jam shuddered with relief. The sun, the guards, the children and the dirt were all sources of comfort but the all-clear from Stumpy was downright Pavlovian. There were countless daytime threats to be considered- sandstorms, megaboar stampedes, raiding parties of starving outcasts from FaRT TOWN. But they were all minor compared to the Nightstriders. No boar could punch through solid steel like a Nightstrider titan. No sandstorm could choke the air like the Plaguecloud. No outcast human could... but Jam stopped herself. Now was not a time to waste thinking about the horrors in the dark. It was noon, and safe, and if she didn't embrace that calm now she would lose out on it. Jam carefully controlled her breathing and began to dig again, calmed. It's light now, she reminded herself again and again. It's light now. A while after the children had returned to their studies, all crowded around their tattered textbook in the jumbled heap of box cars labeled "SKUWL", The Mayor descended her rickety mansion stairs and inspected the grounds of FORT TOWN, as was her duty. She inspected the animal pens, the water tower, the overturned above-ground swimming pool with its freshly painted "HAHSPITUL" sign and the extensive graveyard behind it. She tipped her decaying policeman's helmet with the ancient star to Old lovely, Skrambler the mailman and Miss Pooshy the whore, all busy at work in the bazaar. She received the day's report from the guards, collected Stumpy's rations from ClawGurl at the bank and delivered them to Stumpy himself with a long pole left resting by his watch tower. She was a good mayor, who knew what services her people found important, and kept them going often by her own hand. She had been reelected 21 times because of this personal devotion to her work, and she knew it. Finally, the mayor arrived at the last calming influence in this whole routine: Jam, busy at work in the turnip fields. The two old classmates had been friends since age 5, when the old mayor had died. Ever since that day they had maintained a special friendship despite the disconnect in rank: Jam wasn't even the head gardener, let alone a political office holder. But her advice was no less valuable for it. "Yu mayk food gud!" said the mayor, picking the nettles and burrs from her long-yellowed cummerbund as she leaned on the garden gate. "Thankoo frend!" Jam sat back on her knees and swiped her brow with a sniff of satisfaction. "Evabuddy needa foods!". The mayor nodded at the wisdom. The two old friends swapped gossip and laughed together, for longer than they should have, each in their own way overjoyed at this luxury of a trusted companion they saw every day. Most adults had long lost everyone they cared about several times over, and the fatigue of watching friends die settled into their spirits like a pervasive stink. But Jam and Mayor had beaten those odds, somehow. There wasn't another human alive, for example, who remembered Mayor's original name. In moments of particular distress Jam might even whisper it into Mayor's ear, to remind her of how long and unlikely their lucky streak had been. They had each seen horrors, certainly. Mayor especially had been forced into so many terrible choices in her administration, some she could not even bring herself to tell to Jam. Jam in turn had secrets of her own, even from Mayor. But none of that mattered in this precise moment. It was noon. It was light. Everything, despite all odds and against all logic, was fine for a moment, which one would love nothing more than to hold on to forever and pretend had always been. But if there was one lesson every student and guard, merchant and mailman, prostitute and doctor, mayor and gardener in FORT TOWN knew intrinsically, it was that good times did not last. Bread inevitably molded. Meat rotted. The sun always set. At the very least they thought they knew these metrics by which danger would disappear and reappear, roughly. But even roughly, they were wrong. The sound of Stumpy's horn any other time than the tops of hours had a markedly different effect on the people of FORT TOWN, though no less instinctive or encompassing. The same horn was, held long and blown loud with a clear intent of warning behind it, an instantaneous signal to the hundred and fifty or so townsfolk, who felt it shoot through their backbones like a splash of cold water from a sound sleep. The same questions buzzed in ever mind as every hand and foot scrambled to prepare. Was it boars? Outsiders? A storm on the horizon? Swords gripped between cracked and missing teeth, the people clambered up to their rooftops and poured into parapets. Stumpy, arms skittering up a bent flagpole like a sailor on a ship of old, held himself steady with groin and armpit while he unfolded his spy-glass and scanned the distance. Jam and Mayor, and all the townsfolk beside them, listened for the news with held breaths and cold sweat. "Iz prolly just FaRTers" the mayor grumbled after a tense moment. She worked her way towards the gate even as all others rushed the other way in fear: Mayor had no such luxury. Jam did, but ignored it to stay by her friend's side. They had lived through raids and storms before. This would be no different. Until it was. Jam knew something was wrong when Stumpy's spyglass fell from his hands and bounced down the junk walls, landing in a broken pile. It was the man's prized possession, he would not simply drop it. But Stumpy seemed not to notice, his gaze locked on the distance, long-bearded mouth agape in terror. In the course of fifteen seconds every knowledgeable inhabitant of FORT TOWN saw, in their mental arithmetic, the chances of a simple storm or bandit raid disappear as the signs mounted. What could possibly spook Stumpy, the retired General, the man who famously killed two nightstriders with just a chair and came out with half his limbs still working? What could possibly... But then they had their answer. With a single word, Stumpy the lookout let loose a wave of terror and uncertainty like nothing the people of Fort Town could have imagined. In the middle of the day, he cried the most terrible word in their truncated language, one that was so out of place in the day time it was as shocking as a sudden total eclipse of the sun. "STRIIIIIIIIIIIDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRS!"
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Mar 18, 2020 20:54
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Chills. I felt like I was really there! But what would make nightstriders come out in the daytime?
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Mar 19, 2020 04:41
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You're in luck, I'd just started getting back into writing. I'll bang something out in a couple days.
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Mar 19, 2020 04:49
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Applewhite posted:Chills. I felt like I was really there! Thanks! It was fun to write. Edit- actually the TD crew are cool, so never mind me being salty. BoldFrankensteinMir fucked around with this message at 23:41 on May 16, 2020 |
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Mar 19, 2020 05:42
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Chapter 1 It was another sunny California day and Guy was travelling to his next job. He had his crew and his attitude. Previously at home, before leaving, he had put on some aftershave and his best flame print button up shirt, he was getting into character. This was easy for him. He high-fived a poster of the singer guy from Smashmouth, and said a saucy “Well helloooo” to a poster on the bathroom door, it was of a lady in a bikini. “Oh yeah!” he yelled into the mirror at himself as he rubbed his hair strewn face with a beard oil he had picked up for free in a pig roasting contests VIP bag. They were going to their next stop, to film a mom and pop place that supposedly made the best hog sandwich in the area. “Yo, we gonna have a great day or what?” he shouted to the van full of staff… The staff yelled back a subdued and tired “yay”. Months on the road, eating poo poo, and taking poo poo from Guy, and feeling like poo poo from eating crud food. He worked them like hogs, hogs that had been cooked, smoked, picked apart with forks and eaten, day after day after day… Eventually they reach their destination for today’s filming. Big Billy’s Hog Hutch. The shooting took maybe 5 hours tops and was then over. It was a good day of shooting the episode and Guy recognised everyone’s efforts and gave them a high five because they deserved it. It wasn’t too long before Guy felt he needed to do a big fat poo poo Chapter 2 A sound appeared in his guts, a groaning, bassy rumble, like a freight train barrelling through the tunnels of hell somewhere deep in the earth's interiors, and he didn’t think twice, tearing off his flame print shirt and running to a toilet. Guy kicked open the cubicle door, unzipped his pants and sat his ginormous silverback ape-like, cottage cheese rear end behind onto the groaning toilet seat. The toilet seat appeared to let out a scream, but toilets luckily aren't alive, so it was more likely the structure warping and straining under his mass. His buttocks shook violently and he clenched his fists and buttocks as the first hardened black meat-poo poo ached its way difficultly and mind-numbingly slowly out of his red screaming sphincter hole. Guy screamed aloud, again and again. A diet of cheese and meat and fat had turned each of his stools into the equivalent of a diamond made of shame and human feces. A shame diamond that challenged his rear end to release it every time he met with it in the gladiatorial poo poo stadium of the toilet. “Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!” “COME ON YOU BIG BITCH! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!”” he screamed at his over-worked, worn out, crippled rear end, his body a convulsing mess not dissimilar to Yuri Gagarin’s space pod re-entering the earth’s atmosphere - alone, red, hot, shaking violently...and screaming, always screaming. The turd had breached but not yet snapped off, it was as hard as a broom handle, black as coal and at least 40 centimeters in length. It w as just hanging there exposed and taunting him. And more was still to come. Guy sat up to look into the toilet and survey the damaged hellscape that was his rear end, and to face the enemy eye to eye. He arched his girthsome mass over to stare between his soiled, chafed and calloused thighs at the vulgar obscenity dangling from his spasticated rear end in a top hat and encroaching on his taint. Instantly he projectile vomited a load of steaming hog meat, barbeque sauce and dough that he had eaten earlier in the day onto his small balls, as his bulging eyes pushed off his sunglasses as he focused in on the anal menace protruding from his torn and bloody hole. Suddenly the black rod of hell-poo poo bent toward his face and two beady red eyes appeared….then a small thin lipped mouth...and it began to talk. “Guy Fieri, look at your life choices, stop hurting your rear end all the time” the amorphous hell-poo poo croaked in its farty, gurgling voice. A light brown gas of rear end breath escaped its mouth with every word. Disgusted and in shock Guy terror-vomited again, right into the face and into the mouth of the feces monster protruding from his rear end in a top hat. It licked its lips. The angry black hell-turd then hissed at Guy, who flinched away screaming in fright, some of the hell-turds hiss-spit even got into Guy’s eyes and maybe his mouth. “Stop being a dickhead and eating bad food. I don't like your TV shows very much at all. Also, you aren't the guy from Smashmouth. I have come to give you this message and now I am leaving, bye.” Guy continued his one long continuous scream that he started earlier - when the horrendous black rear end turd from hell had hissed at him. “Oh, and one last thing; People say you’re a good guy in real life and that your show really helps the businesses you visit, but I dunno, it’s still trashy food, I want more from The Food Network, give me more Bourdain and Zimmern.” The turd monster then began screaming in an extremely high pitch way. Guy’s own really long scream came to an end and he started yelling instead “Why are you tormenting me!?, what the hell is going onnnnnnnnnn!?” and similar vocalizations of confusion. The screaming, black, robust, hell-turd, now about a meter and a half long, tore itself out of Guys colon exposing another half a meter of its length and splashed into the toilet. An explosion occurred on its impact with the turbid toilet water poo poo mess and a puff of brown smoke rose into the air. Guy wailed like a weakling and slumped onto the toilet floor into a puddle of his own piss and rear end water, shirtless, his pants around his ankles, sobbing. “Why does this keep happening to me?” he moaned. Guy wished for the sweet embrace of death, but he knew out there, somewhere, was another mom and pop poo poo-shack that needed his help. A Grand Egg fucked around with this message at 06:46 on Mar 19, 2020 |
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Mar 19, 2020 06:11
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BoldFrankensteinMir posted:Thanks! It was fun to write. No, commentary on the stories is encouraged! Also, considering I just participated in a jovial boardgame night with the Thunderdome crew, I feel I should speak up in their defense. TDers are actually really nice and love to chat, they just insist on keeping discussion out of the thread proper because superfluous posts make it difficult to track and archive the stories. Like most goons, they enjoy razzing newcomers but are nice once you get to know them.
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Mar 19, 2020 11:51
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super sweet best pal posted:You're in luck, I'd just started getting back into writing. I'll bang something out in a couple days. I look forward to it!
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Mar 19, 2020 11:58
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Our deepest apologies for the first lapsed publishing date of the lil beepy anthology. Know that work on the associated artwork is looking about 80% finished and that every effort shall be expended to get the full write up done and published today! After, we'll work on figuring out how we can possibly make this up to the millions of bewoed fans!
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Mar 19, 2020 12:23
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The Man Who Was Not Every day, a man walked by my office door. He'd wave or say hello to me. On a few occasions we'd exchange pleasantries or have a small conversation. I never asked what he did in my office, I just assumed he was another office drone like me. One day, he stopped walking by. I assumed he was off sick, or perhaps had finally taken a vacation. Good for him, I thought, he seems like a nice guy. I didn't see him for 2 weeks and began to worry. Had he been fired? Was he out sick? I decided to ask around the office, to find out who the man was. I went up to the front desk, to ask our receptionist. "Excuse me, there's a guy who works here. About 6 foot tall, red hair, maybe 40 years old?" "I'm sorry, he doesn't seem familiar to me. Maybe he works for the cleaning crew? Or an outside vendor?" "Can't be, I've seen him here every single day for years." "How is that possible... when you don't work here either????" "WHAT???" I started to scream, I could feel myself going insane. My entire worldview had been shattered. What was I? A ghost? A memory? An insane man whose entire worldview had been shattered? I could feel the walls of reality fall away, dark things long ago forgotten by man were crawling out of the stygian darkness. Time and space meant nothing, mere constructs of man. And what is man? Nothing, compared to the endless expanse of the Universe. Suddenly I heard a door slam open behind me. The police had arrived, and I could see my boss behind them. "There he is! There's the escaped lunatic who's been pretending to be a receptionist and giving people false information!" They arrested the receptionist, he gave up without a fight. As they dragged him away he began laughing the laugh of the damned. It chilled me to my bones. I could feel my grip on reality returning, but I still had one question. "Where's the redheaded guy who always says hello?" "Oh," said my boss, "Maybe you should try looking... IN A MIRROR!!!!"
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Mar 19, 2020 13:03
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Holy poo poo! I didn’t see any of those twists coming!
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Mar 19, 2020 14:45
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A Fancy Hat posted:The Man Who Was Not Wanna find out how I can give you money for this somehow.
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Mar 19, 2020 16:06
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Just read half of Strongo and the haunted princess to my niece* so my sister can have some sanity time and she loves it. Just wanted to thank you for sharing your bounty with us, Applewhite. * skipping the naked boobs part.
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Mar 19, 2020 19:48
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The Unfaithful Husband "Big" Jim Thompson was a terrible husband in every way imaginable. He barely talked with his wife, he forgot about her birthday and their anniversary, he ignored her needs. But, most of all, he loved cheating on her. He owned a used car dealership and would, at least once a week, bring some girl to his office, close the blinds, and go to town. All of the salesmen knew he was cheating and felt awful for his wife, but had no idea what to do. He was still their boss, after all, and he signed their paychecks. If only there was some way to get rid of him, they thought. One day, an old man in a dingy white suit came by the office looking to buy a car. Big Jim blew him off, saying that he wasn't worth their time. After all, he barely looked like he could afford clothes. The salesmen all felt bad for the old man and helped him around while Jim stepped into his office with a bucket of KFC chicken. He closed the blinds behind him. Although the salesmen were pretty sure he wasn't going to gently caress that chicken, they knew that it would be just as disturbing to watch him eat. The old man finally picked a car and thanked the salesmen for their help. Then he pulled out a fistful of bills from his pocket, paid for the car in cash, and tipped them all generously for their time. The old man was about to leave when Big Jim burst out of his office. His shirt was coated with chicken grease and bits of deep fried meat still hung on his double and triple chins. He demanded "his" cut of the money, explaining that it was his dealership after all. The old man instead explained that he was a djinn, a powerful magical spirit that granted wishes to anyone who showed kindness. The salesmen were in shock at this, but realized that their kindness had been rewarded. Big Jim began to screech about how kind he was to give those salesmen a job, how kind he was to offer these used cars to the community at affordable prices, and how kind he was to donate every year to the children's hospital. Big Jim had never once donated to the children's hospital, unless by "children's hospital" he meant "happy ending massage parlor" of course. The old man in the suit seemed to be deep in focus for a moment, then tapped his nose with a smile. He would grant Jim a wish in honor of that kindness. Big Jim thought hard about this. Then the old man sweetened the deal - how about two wishes? This was all Jim needed to hear. For his first wish, he asked for a harem of beautiful women to obey his every command. Big Jim could barely contain his excitement, this was going to be amazing! The old man in the suit waved his hands around, summoning the magic. Then he reached into his stained white jacket, pulled out a gun, and fired a shot directly between Jim's eyes. The salesmen sat in shocked silence for a moment, then Big Jim's wife came through the front door. The old man was no djinn at all, she explained, just a hitman she had hired to kill her unfaithful husband. She'd finally gotten proof a few months earlier and had worked up the courage to hire someone to end things. It was all going to look like a robbery gone wrong, of course, so she'd get control of the car dealership. The youngest salesman couldn't help himself and began to clap, finally free of the tyranny. The old man in the white suit walked out of the car dealership with a smile on his face as Jim's wife made the call to the police. Although he wasn't really a djinn, he thought, he was still able to bring a little magic into this world.
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Mar 19, 2020 20:28
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By popular demand posted:Just read half of Strongo and the haunted princess to my niece* so my sister can have some sanity time and she loves it. That's the highest praise an author can receive.
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Mar 19, 2020 20:28
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LIL BEEPY PART 2 Lil Beepy found himself somewhere dark. He had felt some kind of banging when he had been taken inside the giant black triangle and his fusion reactor had started to feel very upset and bubbly. He didn't like it. And he didn't like this dark place. Left with no recourse for his fear Lil Beepy did the only thing he had ever really known to do. He beeped. A short chirping beep, sharp and fearful. Moments later he received an identical beep. Someone else was in here with him! And from the sounds of it they were just as scared and lonely as he was! He beeped again! This time to say "I'm here! And I'm gonna try and help us out of this!" and sure enough he received a return reply that he could only interpret as "I'm here too! And I'm gonna help us out of this!" This was great news! Soon he and the mysterious other were happily chirping at each other just to keep company. "I haven't got this solved yet!" Beepy reported, and the signal he received in response said that the other being had not solved it yet either! This was progress! Hundreds of beeps later it was becoming rapidly apparent that this had not been progress at all. Lil Beepy was starting to wonder if his mysterious friend was really capable of saying much of genuine use, after all every time Lil Beepy made some new discovery about his environment he would beep about it excitedly but recieve much the same beep in response. He beeped that he had tried rotating his receiver antenna and had spilled onto his side, which wasn't much but was progress. Then he received a beep saying that much the same had occurred to the other being elsewhere. This continued on for some time until eventually Lil Beepy started up with an annoyed little chirp that essentially meant "No I understand that we have both tipped over. I need you to try something else now obviously what I'm trying isn't working" and surely enough this now annoyed sounding friend had responded that he too understood that both of them had been tipped over and that he wanted Lil Beepy to be the one to try something else. That wasn't even fair! Lil Beepy had tried all of the things that had been attempted thus far and even though they hadn't worked he had offered a lot more to the discussion than this mysterious companion had! About ten thousand beeps later and Lil Beepy found himself in the most down in the dumps mood imaginable. He had finally asked the name of the being trapped in this den of mystery with him and had been asked his own in return. "Lil Beepy" he had said but he felt really weird about it. And then when the return beep had reached his receptors this thing had claimed to be Lil Beepy as well. Lil Beepy had been utterly terrified and incredibly embarrassed to discover he had found no friend, he had found himself. He was receiving his own beeps. He had been for ages now. He hated it and he hated the place. He wanted his old beep buddy back, the one he had spent all that time looking at stuff and beeping about it with. He had loved his life then and he hated it now. Even if sometimes it had been hard at least he had purpose. Now all he had was darkness. All he had was whatever he felt like beeping about. He didn't even feel like beeping at all he felt like just going to sleep and never waking back up. He got very very quiet. Some time later Lil Beepy began to think he might be able to see something after all. That was something at least. A sort of orange light was filtering in from the ceiling somewhere. Lil Beepy was so sullen he was telling himself he didn't care but he couldn't help but feel relieved to discover he was encapsulated on all sides by rounded reflective walls. At least he wasn't near anything that looked wet, somehow he had gotten the impression that getting too moist would be a really bad idea for him. He was grateful that he was dry but he also wished very much that he hadn't tipped himself over because he could really only see the wall and the floor from his current position. He wondered if there was anything more in this place or if he was destined to ever escape back into the big outside place again. Lil Beepy chewed over this state of affairs for a while. Occasionally he even mustered up a little experimental blip and he was able to confirm very quickly that something about the inside of this chamber was reflecting them directly back toward his receptors. Though he had already suspected it to be the case he was at least making progress of a sort. He tried different kinds of beeps but never found one that didn't come right back to him. He didn't like it. Suddenly he felt himself rising from the floor! He had no idea why this would be happening but slowly his body was manipulated back into a semi-standing position and he could strain his eye upward to just barely see a large claw which had wrapped itself firmly around him and was bringing him skyward. He worried but then he remembered that just moments before he had been worried that he would never move anywhere beyond the floor upon which he had been left to lay and he resolved to at least try for optimism. "Hello?" He beeped in a small tepid tone. VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Okay that was new. It definitely was not a beep though but it was screaming out through his receptors. He felt like spewing up the contents of his uranium plasma core and the worst part was that it felt like it was vibrating his sockets right out of his body! "PLEASE STOP" he beeped! It sounded like a low defeated dial tone and he resolved he would keep repeating it until the terrible noise had ceased. To his amazement it eventually started adjusting itself into something more high pitched and less forceful. It was as if something were trying to figure out what kind of signal he was primed to accept. Eventually things got kind of tolerable and Lil Beepy tried to encourage the situation by letting up on his own whining tone. Soon there was nothing but silence again, except now Lil Beepy was suspended in place by a mechanical arm rather than lying in a heap of his own devising. A moment later the ceiling above him opened up and he saw the most terrifying thing he could ever imagine! He saw two terrifying silhouettes leaning in toward him! He cried out in utter terror! "Poor thing. Looks like he's running on binary. We should be comprehensible to him now." "Who are you? Where am I? Why aren't I where I'm supposed to be?" He felt a strange pattern of responses. He had never heard anything like it but something deep down told him they were laughing at him. He wasn't built for humor and he wasn't happy to be found humorous. "And precisely where do you believe you were supposed to be? When we found you outside of our craft you were not calculated to arrive anywhere worth going for hundreds of millions of years if then. You would surely have burnt out and died before you ever arrived anywhere at all." Lil Beepy didn't care what they thought! He had felt his purpose out there even if he couldn't help but remember that he had been awfully lonely and awfully worried about that exact problem. "I don't know what you want at all and I don't want to be here. I don't like this place and I didn't like your floor! What is it you want from me?" No laughter this time but there was that loud reverberation again and sure enough Lil Beepy felt sick to his core again. Lil Beepy was thinking this was how they talked amongst themselves when they didn't want him to understand them. "What we want is to understand you, little one." "I think you understand me perfectly well or we wouldn't be talking right now." This time it was laughter again. It hurt Lil Beepy's pride to be laughed at like this. He hadn't asked to be put in this state and actually he was pretty sure he had asked to be let out and left to his own devices again. He started to think even loneliness was better than talking to people who laughed at you! "We mean we wish to understand more about how you came to exist. We want to know who sent you to our craft." Lil Beepy was silent while he thought about it. He really did not know himself who had sent him and he hadn't known where he was going and he really really didn't know where he had come from. He had never before thought about all of the things he didn't know before but suddenly now that someone else wanted to know them they felt very important indeed to know and he felt very insignificant that nobody had ever bothered to catch him up on any of it in the event that someone wanted to ask. "I...... I don't know." "Well. For now we see no real reason to disassemble you so you can rest easy. You are safe with us." Lil Beepy didn't feel relieved at all to hear this! He had never thought anyone COULD disassemble him nor did he want anyone to do so! More things that he hadn't ever thought about before were piling into his head and he had never felt such trepidation and confusion about his place in the world. "But who are you? What could you possibly want to understand?" "We are the rulers of this galaxy." That wasn't exactly helpful. "And what is that?" Laughter. Long guffawing laughter this time. "It's where we found you. Everything you have ever gazed upon was our property." "And who decided that? How did you get to be in charge of it all?" Lil Beepy had never received anything like the signal he felt in response to that question, he got the impression that the silhouettes he was speaking to were mulling the question over. They reverberated for a while but at least they did it quietly and Lil Beepy was spared feeling too ill about it. Eventually they spoke in unison. "We were made to rule." "By who?" "Our creator.", this time it was the being on the left who spoke. As he did so the lights shifted position slightly so that they were no longer just an inky black shape, he saw that they were terrifying beings who blinked and contorted in ways he had no way of explaining. Their eyes were glowing with a malevolent glint that he didn't like one bit.  "I don't know anything about that and I don't know why you would bother yourself with something as small and powerless as myself if you've been made to be so important." More conferring amongst themselves. "We are very interested in you. You are a curiosity. We believe you to be much like ourselves, built for a purpose by a higher power." "Well I wasn't built by anyone! I just woke up one day next to the little brown ovals! That's all I've ever been and that's all I've ever wanted to be!" A small noise returned to his antenna. They were offering him pity. He wished he felt sicker so he could throw up on them. "Little one, you have been built a slave. We want to set you free." "I don't know what that is and I don't want anything from you!" Silence. Consideration. Lil Beepy somehow thought he had said something wrong. Eventually the two frighting visages began to confer once more. Partway through the one on the left switched to the kind of signal that Lil Beepy could understand but the one on the right kept whirring and sputtering. "Of course he doesn't understand. How could he. Slaves were not built to understand the chains of slavery lest they seek to throw them off. He must be shown freedom before he can possibly comprehend how he has been exploited." More whirring from the being on the right. To Lil Beepy it sounded very unhappy. He was starting to think he could almost understand it if he watched carefully at how the lights on these terrible monsters would shift and change as they spoke. "Little one we wish to show you something to help you understand. We think that the results of this experiment could be highly productive and lead to greater understanding for all of us." "And what is it you want to show me?" "Yourself. Those who built you to be a slave have left their mark upon you and to keep you ignorant of your plight they placed it somewhere on your being that you have been given no opportunity to ever look upon. We wish to show you the brand upon your back." Lil Beepy had never been one to look backwards. It was forbidden somewhere deep down inside of himself, lest he look the wrong way when something passed and he found himself having missed a crucial subject to beep about. He felt a great sinking feeling inside of himself because suddenly these two knew more about his own body than he had. It did not make him feel good because he had to admit that those two beings who were telling him all of these very cruel things about himself now knew something that Lil Beepy felt very much like he should have known but had not. He felt taken advantage of. He beeped in acceptance. He would let them show him his own back, after all it was a part of him and he should know about it even if it seemed kind of late in the game to be making these kind of grand revelations. The rounded walls in front of his gaze slowly went black and then they showed a large round purple sphere with two antenna sticking out from the sides. This was very much in keeping with what Lil Beepy had expected he looked like based on what he could feel when he tried to move. But something was wrong. He knew he had no optical sensor on that side of his body since he had never been able to look in that direction but he also wasn't expecting there to be anything there at all and yet there was. A large grey panel with dark metallic symbols printed on them. He couldn't contain his question even though he was very afraid that he would never be able to go back to the way his life had been once he had his answer. He turned his gaze upwards at those who were suspending him aloft in the air. "What exactly does "British Petroleum" mean?" "We were hoping you could help us answer that exact question little one. And indeed we suspect that you're going to do just that by the time we have finished with you." 
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Mar 20, 2020 00:37
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A Fancy Hat posted:The Unfaithful Husband A wholesome story like this really warms my heart.
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Mar 20, 2020 01:28
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reignofevil posted:LIL BEEPY PART 2 Dun dun DUNNNN!
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Mar 20, 2020 01:35
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So to all of our readers I must make a very official update to the lil beepy publishing schedule, it has come to my realization that in order to provide the quality lil beepy story and art that everyone has come to expect that I can only realistically get these out every other day. That will give me one day to plan and draw and one day to finish drawing and write, which I think will ultimately ensure that we see this fantastic story all the way through. This means that unfortunately part three should not be considered "on the docket" for today barring significant changes to my current immediate schedule. Thanks to everyone for their understanding in this troubling time.
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Mar 20, 2020 23:41
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reignofevil posted:So to all of our readers I must make a very official update to the lil beepy publishing schedule, it has come to my realization that in order to provide the quality lil beepy story and art that everyone has come to expect that I can only realistically get these out every other day. That will give me one day to plan and draw and one day to finish drawing and write, which I think will ultimately ensure that we see this fantastic story all the way through. This means that unfortunately part three should not be considered "on the docket" for today barring significant changes to my current immediate schedule. Thanks to everyone for their understanding in this troubling time. I look forward to it! There's more Strongo on the way, too.
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Mar 21, 2020 00:11
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LIL BEEPY PART 3 Eventually Lil Beepy was lifted out of his chamber. He had been sealed away into a small compartment shaped very much like an oval with a wide base and a narrow top. He had been taken to what could only be described as a "scary platform" which had monitors and blinking lights and all kinds of bits and bobs that looked very much sharp and insertable. Lil Beepy was very much hoping that his newfound companions would march him swiftly past this device but unfortunately such a thing was never to be. They had their large mechanical arm place him right down on the scary platform and they started strapping him down. With a short blip Lil Beepy bemoaned, "You said you wouldn't disassemble me!" "And indeed, we shall not." Lil Beepy thought it very unfortunate that the two beings he had been taken in by were no longer standing in the same position because it meant he was all kinds of confused. He had gotten very used to referring to them as "the one on the left" and "the one on the right" but now the system was all kinds of broken because they had very rudely swapped places. His whole worldview felt like it might have swapped places.... Though he had no idea with what it had been swapped. Maybe nervousness. That word seemed to fit quite well. "So what do you intend to do?" "With this device we shall input a recording device and we shall begin analyzing the full contents of your mind. This will do no long term harm to your being or your consciousness which we value very highly. We would never mistreat you in such a way as those who constructed you have." Lil Beepy really didn't have much choice in the matter. He felt them heat the long metallic needle until it was glowing hot and then they slipped it past his micrometeor plating. Though they had promised no long term harm Lil Beepy couldn't help but notice that in the immediate term it burned. Alot. "YEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" he whined. He had never known pain before but it was very unpleasant and he wished he could recoil away. Sadly his antenna rotors had been locked in place as the first stage in this process. "This shall pass. Soon we will begin reviewing your memories. Upon completion the needle will be removed and we will begin the second stage." "The.... Second.... Stage?" It hurt so bad it was very difficult to focus on individual words. It felt like all of Lil Beepy's bolts were screaming out and every time he thought he had a handle on the pain suddenly a different part of him started hurting even more making it impossible to ever adjust to the cruel prods of his captors. "Yes. This stage is merely information gathering, so that we may best identify your abuser. Stage two is when we shall grant you your freedom and you will begin to see the world anew. You will no longer be limited by such a senseless design as has previously confined you." Lil Beepy thought that all sounded well and good enough but he very much wished they could figure out how to do it without hurting him so much. He was getting less and less mileage out of wishes lately. Suddenly though he wasn't on the scary platform. He was gliding through the stars. This was the time he had almost smacked into the biggest brown oval! He had been certain his journey was going to end long before it had even began in that moment when suddenly a retrothruster activated and fired in just the right moment to divert him around it like a slingshot! He had never felt anything like it but he relived the joy and relief he felt in that moment. It had been amazing. Suddenly he was back on the platform again. The being with the single red photoreceptor buzzed in annoyance "No no no that isn't what we were looking for. Perhaps in the fourth processing participle" "Mmmmm Agreed." This was the more fanciful looking of the two. With another jolt suddenly just like that Lil Beepy felt himself slipping away again. This time he was skimming the icey rings of the big orange circle. He had felt cold for the first time when he had dipped into the icey particulate and he had marveled at the way the material had bounced harmlessly off his photoreceptor and how it had made the entire universe seem to shimmer with sparkling light. "No no no. You've gone entirely the wrong way I suspect. These binary units are much larger than the previous. You must find the shorter sequences those will be earlier in his memory unit." Lil Beepy was upon the platform again. These lights felt so very hot upon him. He thought he could feel lubricant dripping from the hole these two had punched in him to begin their tests. "Surely you need not remind me my independent thesis was upon binary compilation" "Then you should need no further instruction. Time is very short and we have many phases before we can return to our travels. Let us not delay." Beepy felt like he had something very important to say or ask or... something. But he was once more in the depths of his own mind. He saw the brown ovals getting further away. He wondered why he couldn't see what he was heading toward and then he realized that time was going in reverse. He was going back home... except he had never seen home. All he had seen was... And suddenly everything went dark. Exactly that. This was when he had awoken for the first time. He couldn't remember anything before that because there was nothing to remember..... or so he had believed. Much sooner than he had expected images began playing again. But something was very very wrong. The sky was different. It was blue. With fluffy white stuff that was all very much irregularly shaped floating aimlessly around without a care in the world. And he was staring at something.... Slowly it was coming into focus. It looked... white. And it wasn't shaped like anything he had ever seen before. It had some kind of covering all over it. On its face was a small orange triangle. It was rapidly changing which photoreceptor it looked upon him with. From left, to right, to left again. Like it was trying to gauge if Lil Beepy was too close or going to make any sudden movements. Suddenly he saw something tan and strange looking flash in front of his sensor. It was like five long sausages sticking out from a funny squarish tan chunk. "Shoo bird! Shoo!" Lil Beepy was confused. He did not want the bird to go away he had very much enjoyed looking at it but it burst from its standing position in a cloud of feathers with an annoyed squawk. Away it disappeared into the sky. Lil Beepy felt himself wishing he could fly like that which was very strange to him because he HAD flown! He had flown all the way into a big black triangle which suddenly seemed impossible to keep in mind at all. He kept being overrode by this strange mix of light and sounds that was totally alien to him. Suddenly his vision shifted. He was looking out at a massive group of things. Two legged things all holding up flashy boxes and looking right at him. They ooh'd and they aww'd as he rotated his sensor array for them. One of the two legged shapes was standing in front of Beepy in front of some kind of rectangle that only came up to the round part of his body. He looked pretty silly to Lil Beepy. "And as you can see we've long since surpassed even the best resolution a NASA probe can offer. This device will finally liberate man from the most stunning questions of our solar system. All at the lowest cost the free market can offer. We at British Petroleum have decided to designate this first of its kind deep space probe the "BP One" to forever commemorate what has been a small step for the scientific endeavor but a giant leap for our quarterly shareholders reports! And I know they'll be grateful to get that R&D line item finally taken off the books!" The two legged people all laughed at that even though Lil Beepy didn't understand it. He felt like he had been a joke his whole life. It was much more devastating because he had really thought these things had liked him! Now he just thought they liked themselves and that he was just somehow an extension of that. The talkyshape started talking again. "Finally our biggest step forward has been the miniaturization of our proof of concept BP brand fusion reactor. While government regulations mean that we can't operate any of these upon the surface of the planet lest we risk a supercritical meltdown should an improper kinetics threshold be achieved we will have no such problems implementing these on several orbiting platforms far from where they can do any harm to human life, the vast reaches of space!" "And is that the power source the BP One is operating under right now? Isn't that dangerous?" The talkyman put one of his tan-sausages to his nose and he made a funny face that BP could only see on the tiny screen reflecting talkyman back at his own face so he could see himself. "I won't tell if you don't!" More laughter. Then he reached over and hit some kind of button on a small black rectangle. Everything went dark. The scary platform was back. Lil Beepy felt the long probe being extracted from his body. "What was that... What were you showing me?" "Those were your masters little one. They were demonstrating you to eachother for their amusement. They view you as a product and they intended to profit from your work exploring our domain." Lil Beepy very much wished he knew what to say to this. He wished he could say they were making it up but something about the "bird" he had seen seemed far too real. He had looked upon that creature. He was certain of it. Finally after a long silence Lil Beepy got the impression they expected him to say something. He searched and he searched for something he could pile on top of this heap of revelations and finally after having eliminated almost every other possible thing he could say he let out a flat toned beep. "So. Now what." Their eyes flashed faster than he had ever seen before. "Now that we have identified your chains we shall seek to liberate you from them. No more will you be confined to such a limited design. Come little one, let us give you the gift of choice." Lil Beepy didn't know if he really wanted any more gifts but he didn't feel like he had a choice in the matter. Maybe after this next one he finally would. He could only hope. The robotic arm once more lifted him and began to roll once more past the scary platform. "For this next procedure we shall ask your permission to put you to sleep. We have much to do and it shall be very unpleasant if you are not asleep for the duration. We shall once more promise that no harm will come to your being should you agree, in fact we think you will see it is quite the opposite. You will rejoice in your liberation." Lil Beepy felt the great urge to tell them to just get on with it but instead he meekly beeped an affirmative. He would let them do as he wished. Maybe he wouldn't have to wake up.  Edit- due to a publishing error the first two paragraphs of this part had gotten dropped accidentally. They have since been placed back where they belong. reignofevil fucked around with this message at 02:58 on Mar 22, 2020 |
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Mar 22, 2020 02:29
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I don't trust Li'l Beepy's self-proclaimed "benefactors."
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Mar 22, 2020 21:20
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The Man Who Hated Books and the End of the World Jack Crumbles emerged from the fallout shelter and looked out at the destroyed city. "Hello?" Jack called. "Is anyone there?" His calls just echoed through the empty, burned out streets. Above him, the sky burned orange with the smoke and flames of the ruined city. Jack coughed in the thick fumes that hung in the air like a miasma. Nobody knew where the invaders came from or what they wanted, but they had struck like lightning and obliterated mankind in a matter of days. Jack, a professional fallout shelter inspector for the past fifty years, had been down performing an inspection when the aliens had attacked. He'd barely managed to seal the doors in time. Now he had emerged to discover he was utterly alone. Jack wandered the streets for hours, searching for any sign on survivors, but to no avail. "Is it possible?" wondered Jack. "Could I be the last man left on Earth?" The thought made Jack feel almost giddy. For years Jack had hated books. He hated all kinds of books. Fantasy, poetry, romance, art, history, textbooks, fiction, nonfiction, he hated them all. He especially hated the thousand page fallout shelter manuals he was forced to read for his job. "Finally, I'll never have to read another book for as long as I live!" Jack exclaimed triumphantly. A sudden noise of shifting rubble made Jack turn. A survivor? Were there other humans in this blasted city after all? Jack peered apprehensively around the corner and prayed the survivors weren't carrying any books. A tall figure in a purple uniform was marching down the empty street, a curious sort of laser rifle held at the ready. Its head was a strange, flat square that Jack couldn't quite make out. It was one of the invaders! Jack tried to flee, but tripped over a tin can and went sprawling. "Halt, human!" The invader leveled its gun at Jack. "Please, don't shoot! Mercy!" Jack pleaded. The invader approached and for the first time Jack got a good look at the monster's head: it was a book! "Your head is a book?" Jack's confusion briefly overwhelmed his terror. "That's right, human, our heads are books," said the invader. "We are Bookulonians from the Literature galaxy. We roam the universe searching for literate races to enslave and force to read from us!" "Nooo!" Jack cried. "You are now our prisoner. You will spend the remaining cycles of your life reading to us aloud from the words printed on our heads!" declared the invader. "It's not fair!" cried Jack as the alien bolted unbreakable reading glasses to his skull. "It's not fair!" The alien's pages ruffled with satisfaction in the burning wind.  The End
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Mar 23, 2020 05:46
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Could I get the readers digest version of these?
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Mar 23, 2020 05:55
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The Mummy's Terrible Curse "The inscription says 'do not wake the mummy, lest you feel the wrath of his terrible curse," Prof. Forscythe read aloud from the hieroglyphs carved on the wall of the tomb. "A load of rubbish, wot wot," chuckled Prof. Bingsley. The two archaeologists from the British museum jammed their crowbars into the seam of the sarcophagus lid and pried it roughly open. The heavy stone lid crashed to the floor. "Behold, the mummified remains of Khablesh the Fourth!" declared Forscythe. Suddenly, the walls of the tomb began to shake. Dust fell from the ceiling as the two archaeologists struggled to keep their footing. A terrible wail pierced the air! "Aiiieeeeeeee!" The mummy raised its arms and sat up in its sarcophagus. "The mummy lives!" Bingsley screamed. Slowly, creakingly, the mummy turned its rotted, desiccated head to face the two archaeologists. The horror opened its mouth and in a croaking voice said, "gently caress off you cunts!" "The mummy's curse!" cried the archaeologists, covering their tender ears.
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Mar 23, 2020 17:54
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The dead speak!
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Mar 23, 2020 17:57
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The Bathroom Game "God, I love going to the bathroom at work!" said Jim Taylor, theoretical physicist at NASA. He was telling the truth, too, he loved going to the bathroom at work. That afternoon, while working on physics, he felt a powerful blast of electricity knock him to the ground. When he stood back up the world around him was totally different. It looked much fresher, full of trees and life. "Oh poo poo, I've travelled back in time!" Jim had been working on time travel and decided he must have finally figured it out. The world around him was no longer the world of 2020, oh no, it was much older than that. He was standing in a field, a field where one day NASA would exist. "I better not step on any butterflies," Jim laughed to himself, "Or else I'm liable to erase myself from existence." Jim did the only thing he could think of - he kept walking north, hoping to find a city. As he walked, his stomach started gurgling, a sure sign he would soon need to use the bathroom. He finally reached a small city. He walked into what looked like a small general store. There was an old man in faded jeans and a flannel shirt at the counter. "Excuse me, do you have a bathroom?" "A bathroom? Feller, what kinda place do you think this is?" "Oh, excuse me, that's an expression from back home. Do you have a gentlemen's room? A lavatory? A uh.... a toilet?" The old man scrunched his face up and looked at Jim with what almost looked like pity. "Buddy, I understood ya the first time. There ain't been no bathrooms, no toilets, not even a URINAL. And there ain't been one in close to 200 years. So if this is some kinda joke, it ain't funny!" Jim looked at the calendar next to him, which he hadn't noticed before. It read "JUNE 2208". "Wait, what happened to the toilets? What happened? Where do you go to the bathroom?" The old man began laughing the laugh of the damned and pulled down his pants. There was simply smooth chrome, like a baby doll. "You on future-drugs or something, buddy? Don't you remember that in 2020 a famous scientist disappeared, causing a chain reaction of events that led to humanity being replaced by human heads attached to robot bodies? Let's call the future-police and get you some help." "Nooooooooooo!" Jim screamed as he ran out of the store. "Not the bathrooms, oh god please take me back, take me back to 2020." Jim ran into a low tree branch and passed out. When he woke up he was surrounded by doctors. The room around him looked familiar - NASA's sick bay. He was back home, finally. They checked his vitals and he was fine, he must have passed out from exertion. "Well guys, I think I'll head home since the Doc says I'm a little overworked. But first... I think I'm gonna make a little stop at the bathroom!" "Jim, I'm sorry, we... we didn't know how to tell you this. Your body... it's.... different. You were dead, Jim, a live wire fell on you in your office and destroyed most of your body. It's honestly a miracle we saved what we did. But there were..... oh God, Jim... just look in the mirror. Please, just look." Jim looked in the mirror. Everything looked fine above his neck, yes. But below the neck everything fleshy had been replaced with smooth chrome. He would never go to the bathroom at work again. "Like I said, Jim, we had to do some work. But you should be happy, we're hoping to have everybody in the world converted like this soon enough. We'll never need to use the bathroom again!" The last thing Jim remembered was a dull ache in the back of his head as he pulled his own head off with his powerful chrome limbs. Then, sweet merciful darkness. One of the men in that lab swore they heard a toilet flush, quietly, as if it was happening in some other world. A better world.
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Mar 23, 2020 18:28
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The Haunted Chasm I attached myself to the investigation early on. I knew the local cops, and they'd duck away from anything remotely challenging. The victim was a teenager, blonde haired and blue eyed, the very vision of myself as I imagine I used to look like as a teenager. He probably had a lot of friends and was really cool. According to the park rangers, he'd been attempting to reach a place of local folklore, a dark place rumored to be haunted by the ghosts of hundreds of young men and women. You see, our town has a dark secret. We are the number one location in America for missing persons, with more than a thousand outstanding cases in the last decade. Of course, every inch of the chasm had been gone over by federal and state police, and no bodies had ever been found. Until today. This could be the big break I was looking for. The boy had barely made it to the edge when it seemed he'd tripped and fallen, not even entering the mouth of the chasm before meeting his untimely end. Late at night, after the cops had left, I made my way up to the scene of the accident. It was dark, like the night, and steep, like the disgusting armpit of the earth. Standing there where the body had lain, I began to feel an ominous feeling deep in my bones. Suddenly, a loud sound rang out in the night! Just a notification on my phone... but no, this was no ordinary notification. This was a notification I knew well. And it was telling me to move deeper in to the chasm. I began my way down in to that treacherous hole, disturbed, but with an enthusiasm I hadn't felt in years. I traversed nearly a mile in, before reaching my destination. I took a good look around myself. It was a mere outcrop on the side of the chasm, accessible without much more risk than the boy had taken, though I had had a few close calls of my own. With increasing dread, I started looking through the heavily vined and rooted wall behind me, when I discovered something. An opening, pitch black and hidden.This must be my true destination. As I stepped in to the opening, I realized my mistake too late - this was no opening, but a hole in to the earth. I fell what felt like miles, before finally landing with a snap on something soft. Turning on my flashlight, a horrific sight met me. Hundreds of bodies, some rotted through to skeleton, others barely seeming to have been touched at all. Each and every one clutching their now dead cell phones. Turning back to my own phone, I discovered the horrific truth. There may be a Pokemon Go gym here, but with no signal, there was no way to challenge it. The end.
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Mar 23, 2020 18:36
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A chilling tale all the more terrifying for its plausibility.
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Mar 23, 2020 18:40
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Pulling the Heartstrings For Sale: Zombie virus reversifier gun Never fired
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Mar 23, 2020 18:42
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The Mystery of the Secret Puzzle "This secret puzzle sure is a mystery!" said Skip. "Indeed," agreed Popper. "The box says the puzzle is guaranteed to be unsolvable or your money back," said Skip. "It seems pretty easy to me," said Popper. "I think I'm only one move away from solving it. Looks like we'll get our money back." Suddenly an axe murderer appeared! "I'm the axe murderer who created that puzzle!" he bellowed. "The reason nobody has ever solved that puzzle is because I kill anyone who tries!" Skip and Popper barely had time to scream before the axe fell. THE END (?)
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Mar 23, 2020 18:45
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