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Haikus of Terror and Death A big UFO In the starry dark night sky It tries to kill you I'm a werewolf, sir Look, mother Luna is full Om nom nom nom nom Here my kid lies, dead I have no regret, no shame Too much Baby Shark
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Mar 23, 2020 18:47
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The Bloody Day "Okay bye see you tomorrow!" said John and walked home from his girlfriend's house. He had seen her for two hours now and intended to see her at least two more "Wroooom!" said a bush. It was actually a chainsaw murderer in the bush revving his chainsaw. He jumped out and swung the chainsaw towards John's groin. "Not so fast!" said a samurai and blocked the chainsaw with his Muramasa demon blade, "I'm a killer samurai and this boy here is my kill!" "Fools!" said a voice from under a manhole cover. A deadly tube monster crawled out of the sewers and glared and the two arguing killers. "If anyone's going to kill today it's me! The Tube Monster!" "Now look here" said the chainsaw murderer, "there's enough to go around for us all." "I don't think so", said a ghost general who had died from being in a war, "because I will shoot him with my ghostly gun and the kill will be all mine!" "Stop it, all of you!" it was the butthole monster from Japanese mythology which had just arrived, "I haven't killed for ten days, I've been on a boat!" "Why didn't you kill the crew!" said the tube monster. "Then how would I get to shore? IDIOT!" said the butthole. "Heh heh heh!!" said John as his hair cast a shadow on his face so you couldn't see his eyes. "WHAT!!" said all the monsters. "I am actually the most dangerous killer in the world. This will be a bloody day. For you!!" "Oh no!" said the monsters while John suddenly killed them all. "Heh heh heh!!" said John, "and I don't even really have a girlfriend." And that day sure was a bloody day.
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Mar 23, 2020 19:03
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In a Final Analysis The man in the spacesuit looked down at the planet floating below him. It was beautiful, yes, but he had a job to do. He was judge, jury, and executioner. This planet had advanced, they were about to master space travel. That meant they were about to turn the corner, to either become an ally to all of the intelligent beings in the universe, or a threat. He had lived, secretly, among the strange creatures of the planet for nearly a decade. He had seen great beauty, yes, but he had also seen terrible things. And, in a final analysis, he had found them to be a terrible people. They had to be set back a few hundred years, to try and rebuild society and try again. He did not enjoy this part of the job, but it was necessary. He squeezed the silver sphere in his hand and saw explosions light up across the planet. Many population centers were instantly wiped out, the planet was thrust into a new dark age. Perhaps next time they would be ready. "This is Commander Janus, I've completed my mission. The planet known as EARTH has been judged and found lacking." Commander Janus got into his portable spaceship and activated the faster than light engines, rocketing him across the galaxy in a few seconds. But something must have been wrong - the coordinates showed he should be home. Around him was nothing at all, just empty space. Suddenly his helmet radio was filmed with a booming voice. "COMMANDER JANUS. YOUR PEOPLE HAVE APPOINTED YOURSELVES THE EXECUTIONERS OF THE UNIVERSE. FOR THIS CRIME YOU HAVE BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF MURDER!" Janus looked outside into space and saw a giant ship, easily the size of a small star. The ship flashed a brilliant light for a moment and a column of green light enveloped Janus' ship. He was vaporized completely. Inside the ship, a giant man in a red space suit covered in tubing recorded his thoughts to the onboard computer. "Computer, the last member of the evil alien race has been eliminated. We were too late to save Planet Earth, but perhaps in 10,000 years they'll be ready to join the federation of planets. Or perhaps not, we'll have to be the judge of that." "Beep boop, but sir, does that not make us hypocrites? If we are the ones passing judgement on others for judging? What gives us the right?" The man in the red suit sat for a moment, then began to laugh. As he did, his stomach moved like a bowl full of jelly. He absentmindedly scratched at this giant white beard. "Well, R.U.D.O.L.P.H., you have a good point! But our N.A.U.G.H.T.Y. L.I.S.T. is a perfect computer, one that judges the people of the Universe fairly! Now then, back to our home, the Northernmost point of the Universe!" The ship flew off, guided by R.U.D.O.L.P.H.'s flashing red light.
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Mar 23, 2020 19:46
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The Man Who Was Too Good At Video Games "I've done it, I'm finally videogames world champion!" said Billy Brumbles. Billy had spent eighty years mastering every videogame ever made. He had the world record high score in every game and his walls were covered in shining trophies. "I can finally die in peace," said Billy as he closed his eyes for the last time. "I wonder if they'll erect a monument to honor me." It was only too late Billy realized he'd never gotten laid and would die a virgin. "Oh shi—" Billy died the next instant. They buried him in an unmarked grave. The End
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Mar 23, 2020 21:06
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Mooey Cow posted:The Bloody Day 
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Mar 23, 2020 21:52
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The Paradise of Evil "Boy, I sure love living in our futuristic society," said Greg. "My favorite part is how there's no more war, hunger or poverty," Tim agreed. Tim and Greg rode their tandem hovercycle to the sexatorium to have consequence-free sex with the most beautiful men and women in the world. When they were done, the pair toweled off and hit the spa. "Ever since they passed the law that gave everyone unlimited money, things have been really great," said Greg as he enjoyed a relaxing massage. "Truly it is a paradise," said Tim, who was partaking of recreational drugs. Just then, the ruby at the top of the Spire of Enlightenment began to glow. "Oh dear, the Hour of the Worm has come," said Greg. "This is the price we pay for our life of plenty," sighed Tim. Tim and Greg screamed as the millions of parasitic worm eggs beneath their skin started to hatch. THE END (Paid for by the Committee to Elect Bernie Sanders for President)
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Mar 24, 2020 04:16
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A Fancy Hat posted:In a Final Analysis I am enjoying all of your stories immensely (both here and in the Dwight Pranks thread).
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Mar 24, 2020 04:26
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There is a lot to know about those worms but you'd have to be some kinda bookworm to figure it out!
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Mar 24, 2020 04:30
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Back Then "Welcome to the world's first time travel adventure, Mr. Parker," announced the loudspeaker inside the otherwise bare room. "We are pleased you've decided to partake in one of our adventures." Glenn Parker, billionaire, was also pleased. His life had been perfect, at least that's what anyone looking from the outside would tell you. He inherited money, he never worked a day in his life, and he was able to do pretty much whatever he wanted from the day he was born. Including being one of the first 10 people in the world to experience recreational time travel. "Now remember, sir, you must very carefully follow the instructions given to you so you don't alter history. We have several of our employees who will be watching you and they WILL bring you back to the present if you break from the preset scenario. Is that okay?" "That's fine, I understand." Parker had read about the time travel expedition in the paper a few weeks earlier. He had thought it was a joke at first, but then word of it began to spread through his social circles. Suddenly, it was the hottest ticket in town. $20 million to travel back in time. To say you were one of the first people ever to do it. $20 million was chump change for Parker, he had to do it. Especially when he read through the possible scenarios. You could go see the construction of the Eiffel Tower, Abe Lincoln giving the Gettysburg Address, and of course, the one that interested Parker the most. The scenarios were designed to be as safe as possible. You were just part of a large crowd, you took a regiment of medical treatments to prevent taking any diseases to the past or vice-versa, and you stayed for just under 3 hours in the past. Everything was CAREFULLY detailed to prevent any changes to the timeline. As the speaker had noted, if he deviated even an inch he would be caught and brought back to the present. But of course, Parker didn't care about any of that. Parker was practically drooling by the time the machine started up and he felt the room around him fall away into darkness. He thought about the cancer building up inside of him, cancer that was going to kill him in a few months, maybe even less. He didn't care about the timeline, he didn't care about precautions. He just wanted to destroy things before he left this mortal coil, simple as that. And he chose the time that he believed would cause the most chaos. The time machine finished its work and Parker looked around at Disneyland, opening day. Yes, it was time to cause some chaos. "Hey little boy, looks like this balloon.... just got popped! Ahehehehehhe!" Parker gleefully laughed as he popped a little boy's balloon with a hatpin. This was the 15th balloon he had already popped. Yes, chaos reigns. "Excuse me, miss, but you dropped something. APRIL FOOLS!" Except it wasn't April, this was simply more of Parker's insane plan. "I'm sorry children, but I have an announcement!!! Mickey Mouse.... has poop in his pants! BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH!" The time agents made themselves known at this point, he had gone too far. Reality was threatening to unravel at any moment. Disguised as normal park patrons, the 3 bulky men grabbed Parker and hauled him to a secluded corner. "You sick son of a bitch! Do you have any idea what you've done? How much you've compromised the timeline? We don't know what the gently caress we're going to find in the future because of you. IT COULD BE ANYTHING!" Parker merely smiled. He had had his fun, he was content. He'd go down in history with history's greatest monsters just as he wanted. They activated the time receiver and were launched back to the present. Everything seemed normal - at first. Then one of the time agents quickly scrolled through a handheld computer, scanning for changes to the timeline. This had been prepared for, they were ready, and they quickly found out what Parker had changed with his act of time terrorism. The first and, hopefully, only act of time terrorism. "Well, Parker, you stupid bastard, I hope you're happy. Because of that insanity at Disneyland you caused a ripple effect that we're still fully trying to comprehend. But maybe you should take a look at this, pal." He tossed a newspaper at Parker, who opened it up and looked at a highlighted section. He felt a twinge of pain in his gut that he almost thought was guilt. But no, it was just the cancer. It had to be. This was what he had wanted, wasn't it? To alter Earth in some fundamental way, to cause pure chaos. But this was too much, even for him. Too much for anyone, even a man driven insane with rage and the fear of death. He looked at the article and began to cry. INDIANA JONES 5 IS GREAT! SHIA LABEOUF SHINES AS MUTT AFTER HIS BREAKOUT PERFORMANCE IN CRYSTAL SKULL! MEGAN FOX LIGHTS UP THE SCREEN AS HIS LOVE INTEREST, AND DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY'S ACTION SCENES WILL BLOW YOU AWAY! INDIANA JONES AND THE HIDDEN MOON BASE WHERE THE TRANSFORMERS LIVE IS THE BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR!
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Mar 24, 2020 14:02
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A terrifying reality, thank goodness our own cinematic timeline is uncompromised and the world will forever be safe in the arms of Optimal Prime the leader of the Decievercons.
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Mar 24, 2020 14:05
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A Sound of Blunder 
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Mar 24, 2020 16:15
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Jack Chinaman, Private Eye "'Chinaman' is an offensive term," said Mugsy. "Look, for the hundredth time, 'Chinaman' is my actual surname. I didn't choose it!" Jack argued. "But you could get it legally changed," Mugsy replied. "That costs money. Besides, I shouldn't have to change my own name," said Jack. "Well regardless, we're going to have to de-monetize your YouTube Channel," said Mugsy. "That's my livelihood!" Jack cried. "You can't do this to me!" "Sorry," said Mugsy. "YouTube's terms of use clearly prohibit racist or offensive content and 'Chinaman' is on our list of prohibited terms." "The Jews got to you, didn't they?" Jack narrowed his eyes at the phone receiver. "Excuse me?" Mugsy was aghast. Jack started to get flustered. Mugsy had led him right into a trap! "Look, I'm not saying all Jews are bad, but you have to admit they—" "Sorry, sir, I can't help you. Have a nice day." The line went dead. Jack took a long drag from his cigarette and stared out the window at the rain. He knew the Case of the Global Conspiracy was going to be a hard one to crack, but he never knew it would be this hard. The End (?)
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Mar 24, 2020 16:39
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Neon S. Macintosh, Internet Detective in: False Angel I take a hard left at the digital alley. I know it won't work. Too little, too late. The people right on my heels weren't born yesterday. They're professionals, every one. Each one's at least as good as I was back in my prime and Musk knows those days are long behind me. This won't slow them for long. This won't slow them at all but I have to try. I'm moving too fast. Pressing too hard. I know it. My heart's pounding in my chest. My knuckles burn and pop with every click and tap. Come on, old man. Hold it together just a little longer. You're almost there. It's just ahead of me, vast and gleaming, the highest res model in this entire digital city. My shoulder blades burn, too. It's the feeling I get when I know I'm about to disconnect. I know it, deep down in my sad little soul, like a bug knows when it's about to get squashed. Yet, somehow, I'm still here. Somehow, I'm going to make it. That's when the friend request hits me. Friend request, friend request, friend request. Again, and again, and again. Unending. Too many to refuse, too many to ignore. How many of these can this program handle? I don't know. I have no drat idea. Once upon a time, knowing things like that was my biggest edge. Guess it dulled now. All I have left is blind luck. I hit the loading screen going full tilt. Everything fades to black. I stare at my ruined hands, flat on the keyboard and try to catch my breath. Moment of truth. The seconds pass me by and I still can't look up. Can't raise my eyes and see proof that I failed. Dear Jobs. Dear Musk. Dear Gates, even, you false idol. Please don't let me fail. I look up at the screen and see beauty. Beauty unfit for mortal eyes. A vast cathedral of marble and glass stretching out all around me. Hundreds of Avatars, their eyes, if they have eyes, fixed on me. Curious. Confused. All except one pair that hates me and all I stand for. I swallow my fear, ignore the text spam, and shout. "You must cease this wedding at once! I have evidence that the groom's character model is not an original work or a paid commission! It was stolen and edited to remove the original creator's watermark! It has not been authorized to appear in this Wedding Stream, or in any paid-members-only content that will follow! If you let this continue, both streamers involved will be held liable, and not just the art thief!" I can see the hurt in her piercing, jewel-bright eyes, in the tilt of her delicate, elfin ears. Elfin ears she modeled herself, weeks and months of work, unlike that liar standing beside her. Beautiful as angels, the both of them, all the same. It's all I can do to keep from masturbating here and now. She won't forgive me for this. Even though she knows I'm telling the truth. Maybe even because I'm telling the truth and the truth hurts. Elyreniaserrandra. My Elyreniaserrandra? No. Never mine. She married me for the perks, two lifetimes ago. The perks, and nothing but. Happier days all the same. Least I can do is tell her the truth, keep her from making such a big, costly mistake, even if she'll hate me for it. The moment hangs there, flawless and unchanging. Even the chat has stopped scrolling and that's how I know it's over. The chat never stops. My connection finally snaps, brittle as an old man's bones. Too late to stop it now. Far, far too late. Blurry Gray Thing fucked around with this message at 20:49 on Apr 2, 2020 |
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Mar 24, 2020 17:52
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Maybe she heard him. Maybe she listened! 
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Mar 24, 2020 18:01
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Reflections The old man looked mournfully at the mirror in front of him. It was a beautiful piece of craftmanship, standing almost 7 foot tall and surrounded by ornately carved dark wood. The man's reflection looked back at him. The old man grasped the hammer in his hand tightly, brought it above his head, and was ready to shatter the perfectly polished glass. Then he fell to the ground clutching his chest, the hammer crashing to the hardwood floor a few seconds before he completely collapsed. In his last dying breaths he tried to knock over the mirror, but it was all for naught. As his vision faded and he felt his life pass away, he looked at the mirror. His reflection was still standing there, smiling at him. A few days later, the old man's will was being read in that very same room. The mirror still stood there, but a black cloth had been draped over its reflective surface. The elderly lawyer continued to read the will. "And finally, to my grandson Charles, I leave my antique mirror. May it bring you as much joy as it brought me." Charles, better know as Sweet Chuckie T, was the coolest kid at Bayside High School. Even though this was his grandfather's funeral, he was still dressed in his most awesome clothes - neon green t shirt, jean shorts, Nikes, and of course his trademark cool red hat. That hat said "NO FEAR", which was the both the coolest brand of clothing and Chuckie's personal motto. "Oh man, like.... Grandpa left me a mirror? That's rad, maybe I can set it up and film myself doing some SICK skateboard moves? Let me go get my camcorder!" His parents sat there in silence as Chuckie T ran out of the room, his sneakers lighting up with every step. A Gameboy bulged in his back pocket. "How... how long has he been like this? Have the doctors been able to treat him at all?" asked a concerned relative. "No, nothing takes. None of the drugs, none of the therapists.... it's all for naught. We think it's because of the gas leak in his apartment, it's affected his memory. But they've never seen anything like this. Charles thinks he's still a teenager, more than that... he's constructed an elaborate fantasy world around him. It's impenetrable, the doctors say the best thing is to hope he breaks out of the illusion. But it's been 3 years. We're all so tired, so goddamn tired. Sometimes I wish the gas leak killed him." "Sharon!" screamed Charles' father, "For the love of God don't say that! We'll save him, he'll remember what's really going on." Sweet Chuckie T skateboarded down the street as all this was going on. Tubular. He high fived a guy at the local 7-11 as he filled up a giant cup with his favorite Slushie Flavor - MOUNTAIN DEW! As he walked out of the store he pulled down his shades to wink at some fly honeys, then told everyone to have a "Mondo cool day". Time to go get that skateboard. The rest of the world saw a 35 year old man awkwardly wander around a 7-11 before spilling a massive amount of Slushie all over the floor. He winked at some empty air and then muttered something that sounded like "Mango copay" before shuffling out the door. Hours later, Sweet Chuckie T finally showed up to pick up his mirror. "Dude, this mirror is like... totally bogus. I don't know how I'm gonna fit this in my room! I guess I could move my beanbag chair under the lava lamp, that might be pretty rad." As Chuckie T struggled to lift the mirror the black cloth fell off and he saw a reflection in the mirror. But it wasn't Sweet Chuckie T at all, it was an overweight, balding man who looked more like Chuckie T's weird uncle. "BOGUS! Who's this dweeb?" Chuckie T shifted the mirror but couldn't hold onto it and it fell to the ground. The glass surface shattered into a million pieces and Chuckie heard a scream of pain and anger. Then suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around and saw his grandfather standing there, smiling. His grandfather spoke, and his voice sounded like an old record being played in a room across the hall. "Charles, you've finally done it. You broke the mirror's curse and freed the soul of everyone who ever owned this mirror. Thank you! Thank you!" Chuckie T stared in silence for a moment as the old man faded away. The mirror still lay in a million pieces on the floor, but the room suddenly felt... lighter? Happier? More comfortable? "Woah man, I think I just earned myself a Fruitopia for that one! Time to go home, kick back, and listen to some tasty tunes on my Walkman." Sweet Chuckie T walked out the door, not a care in the world. That night he would play Megaman X for 3 hours while his parents cried themselves to sleep in the bedroom next to them.
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Mar 24, 2020 18:31
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The Barber who Cut Off More Than He Could Chew (based on a true story) Barber Bill was the best barber in town, and in fact the only barber in town. He was renowned for his ability to barb deftly. One day business was going as usual when Customer Colin stepped in. "Well good day to you Sir" said Barber Bill, "please take you a seat. And how can I do the barbering on you today" "I want you to cut it all off. All of it, I want it gone" said Customer Colin. "Really? All of it?" Barber Bill chuckled and sharpened his biggest knife. "All of it! Not one of the things should be left on me, you hear me?" Barber Bill covered him from head to toe in shaving cream and in one fell stroke cut off all his hairs. They fell into a big pile on the floor. "Thank you!" said Customer Colin, "I will tell everyone what you did here today", and then he paid and went on with his day. Not long thereafter, Lady Lombard stepped in through the door. "And how might I service you on this day, madame?" said the Barber Bill. "I heard you cut off all the hair on that man. I also want it all gone" said she. "All of your hair? Really?" questioned Barber Bill. "Yes all of it, and I want my beaver shaved too!" said Lady Lombard and presented her pet Beaver Bert who truly was long of hair for a rodent. "It smells very bad perhaps I should shampoo it first?" said Barber Bill. "No it's the shampoo that smells I did it before I came here. Now do it." "Very well", said Barber Bill and he covered Lady Lombard and Beaver Bert in shaving cream and cut off all the hairs and the pile of hair on the floor grew greatly. "Thank you"" said Lady Lombard "I will tell everyone of your good work", she then paid and took her bald beaver and left. Soon after this, the door swung open once more and the Pair Pete and Pompadora entered the barbery. "And do you also wish me to cut all of your hairs off completely ?" said Barber Bill. "Yes, all of them shall be gone", said Pete and Pompadora. "Really? All of the hairs on every part of your bodies?" said Barber Bill. "Yes and please massage my tits" said Pompadora. "And my cock" said Pete. "Now listen fellas I don't know what kind of business you think I'm running here..." "We'll pay you extra for a happy ending, and you can have our additional sack of hair..." said Pair Pete and Pompadora. "Okay I'll do it" said Barber Bill. The two ornithologists presented the birds they had brought to the barbershop and Barber Bill massaged them. He finished off by telling a funny joke and doing a little dance. "Happy!" said Pete and Pompadora, "now cut off our hair!" Barber Bill hosed them down in shaving cream and left not a hair left standing on their skin and the pile of hair on the floor increased in size four-fold. "Thank you" said Pete and Pompadora, "we shall tell everyone of what has here transpired", then they paid and gave him their giant sack of hair and left. Barber bill poured out that hair on the big pile on the floor and it grew so big it overtook the whole barbershop. Barber Bill was forced to flee outside to avoid suffocation. There he saw a long line of people, stretching all the way to the town hall, of people waiting to enter his barbershop and be barberated. "Wow!" said Barber Bill. "There's no way I'll be able to chew all this hair..." The long line of people looked down in disappointment. "But damnit if I won't try!" said Barber Bill and took a big handful of hair and started chewing as the people roared and cheered with their hands in the air. The End
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Mar 24, 2020 19:44
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Banshee and Baroness "Sorry to get you early out of bed gentlemen, but we've received tentative reports that there's a good chance that the Banshee will strike the Baron's castle tonight. Our sources in the clandestine guilds are unable to tell us exactly what valuables she's after this time, but the Baron is not taking any chances and is adopting a five-fold increase in the general security presence throughout His Lordship's castle. We're currently in contact with the Broken Toe mercenaries to assist us in the running of steady patrols and an increase in guard checkpoints across the both internal and external perimeters of the castle." The three guard sergeants standing at attention in the hallway instinctively flinched in synchrony upon hearing the name 'Banshee' escape out the captain's mustached blasphemous mouth. The more-rotund sergeant tried to bring his hand over to the sword hilt hanging on the other side, to highlight his understanding of the seriousness of the situation, but was unable to reach it. Following a brief and awkward pause, the captain continued with a markedly disdained face. "I'm sure you all agree with the Baron's decision that such expenses are necessary in these cases, even if to act on unconfirmed information as you've all heard the tall tales of this prominent thief named Banshee. Born into a long bloodline of professional thieves and trained from young age to work and eventually run one of the foremost guilds, they cemented their infamy early on with..." the captain cleared his throat, "awe-inspiring heists. But before they reached any of the guild's diplomatic leadership positions, they mysteriously evaporated from all recorded observations." The scrawny taller sergeant with an unnaturally gray skin hue brought up his hand to his temples and began to rub them laboriously. "No one knows the true nature of Banshee's years-long disappearance from the scene spotlight, but the rumors circling their untimely demise were debunked with the recent string of high-profile thefts within the Barons's neighboring counties. The stolen items ranged from platinum ceremonial chalices to costly works of art for which the thieves guild has declined to take all accountability. The law enforcement was initially stumped with the difficulty and professionalism across these robberies, but all of them bear the hallmark of the Banshee. Is something the matter sergeant, stay up too late last night?" the captain addressed the taller sergeant rubbing his temples. "I'm not feeling too good captain, can't concntghh..." the taller man trailed off slumping towards the dumbfounded captain who caught him by the shoulders. Just then the pudgy sergeant noticed a feathered dart sticking out the back of the unconscious man's neck. "WALRUS DIIICKS!" a hazy shadow leapt from one of the gold leaf-adorned overheads spandrel beams to another. "COCK ROBIN AND poo poo BURGERS!!" Stumbling, the third guard sergeant sprinted down the hall past the captain, "It's the Banshee, she is here!" "Sound the alarm, guards immediately to their posts! Protect the treasury and the royal hall at all costs!" howled the captain while trying to fruitlessly unsheathe his longsword with the toppled man over him. "FUUUCK! gently caress MY APPLES IN THE FACE!" the castle walls screamed maniacally sending its unarmed inhabitants scrambling under the nearest table and inside the nearest trunk. The cook went mad from the unearthly wails and started stuffing cantaloupes down his pants. Signal fires were lit around the castle palisade. The mailed guards stood in attack formations around the oaken doors to the vital ingresses, shaking like wind chimes. Nobody dared to breathe - with only the engulfing silence shepherding dust particles across the sun-cleaved lancet windows. "AHAHAH, HORSE LOVING WHORES! TWENTY PINTS OF PISS FOR THE KING! PISS! PIIISS!!!" One of the two guards had only begun pissing his pants as a corded bola swung out of the darkness of the staircase wrapping their ankles together. It was followed by a fast moving ash blot which was curiously now gliding along the ceiling - thought one of the tethered guards as his urine poured up his face and into his iron helmet. "Stay here at the treasury you three, the rest of you come upstairs with me - weapons at the ready!" ordered the captain the fat sergeant before bounding up the spiral staircase with an five-man escort, shields and swords banging. When they finally reached the topmost floor of the castle - the royal chambers, they were greeted by two unconscious and dripping guards swinging upside down from a taut wire in the ceiling. Behind them the oaken door rocked half-open in the breeze letting out the fresh morning. Flanked by this guard detail, the captain circled around the swinging guards and warily shuffled into the room pushing the door open with his sword. The far window behind the mahogany four-poster bed was unlatched and blowing the velvet drapes recklessly. Among the echoes of the bleating goats "HOT loving BALLS GRAVELY STARING! poo poo loving gently caress! AAAHHHH!!" could be heard somewhere in the distance. The captain turned his head and looked somberly at the open dresser drawer. The baroness' ruby-encrusted dildo was gone.
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Mar 25, 2020 04:05
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https://imgur.com/gallery/9KWrH
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Mar 25, 2020 04:10
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The Ghost That Hated Everyone "If you're reading this, it's too late. The ghost that hates everyone is behind you right now!" Johnny D. Walking read from the fortune cookie he'd just cracked open. Johnny began to sweat. Was it true? Was the ghost that hates everyone behind him at that very moment? "Mine says 'good fortune comes to you on this day,'" Smelinda, Johnny's girlfriend read aloud from her fortune. "What does yours say?" Johnny didn't answer. He could feel the gaze of the ghost that hates everyone on the back of his neck. "Johnny, what's wrong?" asked Smelinda. "You look like you've seen a ghost." He tried to play it cool. His heart was pounding in his chest like a jackhammer. "I-it's nothing," Johnny lied. He looked at Smelinda's eyes looking at him. Surely if the ghost were really behind him, she'd see it and freak out, right? Unless... Johnny's mind raced. Unless Smelinda was in league with the ghost. Johnny touched the steak knife on his plate with the tip of his finger, reassuring himself that it was still within reach. "It's cool that this steak place serves fortune cookies, don't you think?" asked Smelinda. She was still looking at him, though now the slightest bit of anxiety had crept into her expression. Did she know he was onto her? "Smelinda..." Johnny paused to moisten his lips, "is there a ghost behind me?" "A ghost?" Smelinda scoffed. "What do you mean, a ghost?" "Don't gently caress with me, Smelinda, you know what I mean by 'ghost!' Is there one behind me right now?" Johnny pounded his fist on the table, causing the silverware to clatter loudly. All conversation in the steakhouse stopped. Everyone was looking at him. None of them reacted with the horror Johnny would have expected from the sight of a grim specter. They couldn't all be in cahoots. Could they? No. No, that was insane. Maybe only he could see the ghost. His right hand curled unconsciously around the handle of the knife. "Johnny what the hell is wrong with you?" Smelinda hissed. "You're embarrassing me!" "S-sorry it's just..." Johnny wiped his forehead with his napkin. "My fortune cookie just freaked me out is all." Smelinda looked at him with consternation, but her frustration melted when she saw the sincere distress on Johnny's face. "What could a fortune cookie say that would get you so worked up?" Smelinda snatched up the fortune slip. Johnny reached out to stop her, but it was too late. He watched her lips move as she read the fortune to herself. "'The ghost that hates everyone?'" Smelinda looked at Johnny, confused. "What the hell does that—" Smelinda's next syllable was drowned out by a choking, wet gurgle as blood spilled from her slack lips. Her throat had been slashed. From behind Smelinda's still jerking body rose a horrific, glowing, green ghost! "I'm the ghost that hates everyone!" it screeched at the top of its lungs. Johnny went white with fear. "W-why didn't you kill me?" Johnny stammered. "I'm the ghost that hates everyone, not the ghost that kills everyone," said the ghost. "But then, why did you kill Smelinda?" asked Johnny. "I didn't," replied the ghost. "You did!" Johnny looked down at his right hand. He was still holding the steak knife! And it was covered in blood! He must have slashed her throat by accident while reaching out to grab the fortune from her! Flashing red lights from outside brought Johnny back to reality. "That's him, officers!" said the waiter. "I watched him slash the girl's throat!" "No, it was the ghost that hates everyone I tell you!" screamed Johnny as they dragged him away. "The ghost that hates everyone!" Invisible to everyone but Johnny, the ghost smiled in satisfaction and drifted back into the kitchen to wait for its next victim. The End
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Mar 25, 2020 04:56
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 AstroNOT What He Seems… “Did you notice how Jefferson hasn’t taken his spacesuit off ever since we found that weird, egg-shaped meteor the other day?” asked Brent. Shelly hadn’t noticed, but now that Brent mentioned it, she realized it was true. “You’re right, that is strange.” Shelly chewed thoughtfully on a piece of space toast. It was day fifty seven in orbit for the three-astronaut team on the International Space Station. Six days since the crew discovered a strange, egg-shaped meteor embedded in the side of Module B. “We’re lucky it didn’t punch right through the hull,” Jefferson had said. Jefferson took the meteor to the lab for some tests. When he emerged, he was wearing a full spacesuit and hadn’t taken it off since. “He also hasn’t said a single word in six days, did you notice that?” said Brent. Shelly realized it was true. “Hey, Jefferson, why don’t you take that helmet off and join us for some dinner?” Brent proffered a pouch of strained sweet potatoes. Jefferson waved the pouch away and went back to sitting quietly. Shelly followed Jefferson around the station for the rest of the day. Never once did she see him take off his suit or utter a single word. She did, however, become aware of a strange sucking, slurping sound coming from Jefferson’s helmet. “What could be making that noise?” wondered Shelly. Shelly observed Jefferson for the next several days. He refused to doff his spacesuit and refused all food or drink offered to him by either Shelly or Brent. The only sounds he ever made were the ever present slurping sounds coming from inside his helmet. Three times a day, Jefferson would sequester himself in the biolab module and seal the door from the inside. He’d placed a sign on the door that read “Do not enter under any circumstances, delicate experiments in progress.” “I think something is wrong with Jefferson,” Shelly told Brent after a full week of observation. “I’ve been consulting WebMD,” said Brent. “Jefferson is exhibiting all the classic signs of space madness.” “What do we do?” asked Shelly. “I recommend contacting mission control and apprising them of the situation,” suggested Brent. “They can give us further guidance.” “Good idea, I’ll do that first thing tomorrow,” said Shelly. Neither of them saw Jefferson’s helmet peering around the corner, the mirrored face silently reflecting the pair as they conspired. Inside the helmet, something slurped quietly. *** The next morning, Shelly floated down the tunnel toward the comms module to check in with mission control. There was just one problem: the comms module wasn’t there anymore! “What?” Shelly pressed her face to the porthole. She spotted the comms module about three hundred meters away, turning slowly as it drifted further and further from the ISS. Every few seconds something shiny on the hull glinted as it caught the sun. “No!” Shelly screamed. “Nooooo!” *** The mood in the dining module was dire. “Who gave the command to jettison the comms module?” asked Shelly. “I think we both know who,” said Brent. Both of them looked over at Jefferson. The mirrored face of Jefferson’s helmet just reflected their own stares back at them. “Without comms, there’s no way to call for help,” said Brent. “When’s the next supply rocket?” asked Shelly. “Fifteen days,” said Brent. “But it’s an automated rocket. There won’t be anybody onboard to ask for help.” “So we’re stuck up here,” said Shelly. “There’s always the escape pod,” observed Brent. “Yes,” said Shelly. Jefferson just sat there, softly slurping. *** The next day the escape pod had been jettisoned. “It’s like someone is trying to isolate us,” said Shelly. “Could it be someone on this station is working against us?” “There’s only three of us and I know it wasn’t me!” said Brent. “And I know it wasn’t me!” said Shelly. Both of them looked at Jefferson, who just sat there in his spacesuit, slurping away. “Enough of this!” Brent launched himself across the room at Jefferson. They collided in midair and went tumbling away. “I know it was you!” Brent shouted, pounding at the helmet’s faceplate. “Back off, Brent!” Shelly wrestled the two apart. “We can’t turn on each other like this!” Brent and Jefferson floated to opposite ends of the module. “Those modules could have been jettisoned due to a systems malfunction,” said Shelly. “Brent, run a full systems diagnostic on the computer. I’ll check the couplings on the rest of the modules. We can’t risk the whole station coming apart.” “A malfunction. Sure. It might have been that,” said Brent. Jefferson only floated there and slurped. *** The systems diagnostics didn’t turn up any errors. Shelly double and triple checked the couplings before taking all the keys and locking them in her locker. That night, Shelly his outside the biolab and waited for Jefferson to do his routine visit. “I bet whatever’s going on in there has something to do with what’s going on out here,” Shelly thought to herself. Right on schedule, Jefferson came floating around the corner. The moment he’d finished inputting the code on the biolab door, Shelly launched herself at him in a flying tackle. “Oof!” Jefferson grunted as Shelly slammed into him with the full force of her hundred and forty pounds of mass. The pair of them sailed backward into the biolab, crashing through a hydroponics experiment and slamming against a large, glass tube. Jefferson pushed her off of him and struggled to crawl away, Shelly found herself spinning through a galaxy of water droplets that had been released when the hydroponics had been smashed. The droplets splashed against her eyes, blinding her. “There goes our fresh fruit and vegetables for the year,” she thought. Shelly caught and steadied herself. When she’d blinked her vision clear again, she realized what had been in the glass tube they’d struck. The meteor! Only it didn’t look like an egg any more. It looked like… a hatched egg! “What’s going on here, Jefferson, what’s with that meteor?” Shelly demanded. She let one hand slip behind her back and unclip the monkey wrench she’d concealed there. Jefferson didn’t reply, instead he threw himself at her. But shelly was ready. With one powerful swing, she bashed Jefferson across the front of his helmet with the wrench! There was an explosion of glass shards. Jefferson went careening off into the corner. Something stung Shelly’s cheek. She raised a hand to her face and drew away a fingertip smeared with blood. Jefferson’s panicked, pale face looked out through the shattered opening of the helmet. Shards of glass spun and twinkled in the air around him. “Shelly! I was wearing that spacesuit to protect myself from getting infected by the alien parasite that’s infected both you and Brent!” cried Jefferson. “Now you’ve doomed us all!” “I’m not infected by an alien parasite!” objected Shelly. “No, but I am,” said Brent, leveling a harpoon gun at Jefferson. “That harpoon gun is for emergencies only!” chastened Shelly. “I am an emergency.” Brent fired. The harpoon impaled Jefferson, pinning him to the wall and filling the air with floating globs of blood. Shelly roared with frustration. “You just killed my prey!” she hissed. Her mouth opened wide as a bouquet of hideous, squirming tentacles began to emerge from her throat. “B-but I thought I was the parasite!” stammered Brent. “Brent…” groaned Jefferson, clutching the harpoon jammed between his ribs. “You’re just suffering from space madness that made you believe you were the parasite…” Brent’s eyes opened wide with realization just as Shelly leaped at his throat… *** Back on Earth, Mission Control watched the grisly scene unfold on the monitors. “Homicidal paranoia gas, zero-g test: successful,” announced the lead scientist. Shelly continued to tear Brent's throat out with her teeth as the control room applauded. THE END
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Mar 26, 2020 03:39
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The Devil's in the Details Billingsby greeted Pufferbone at the door of his mansion. "Thanks for coming to see the new painting I've acquired, Pufferbone," said Billingsby. "Don't mention it, wot," said Pufferbone. "I enjoy slumming it in a modest home such as this. Reminds me how the other half lives." Billingsby held his smile, even though his chest was filling with rage. drat that Pufferbone! drat him! Billingsby's smile became easy again. drat him indeed... "Well are you just going to stand there grinning like a loon, or are you going to show me this new painting you've been crowing about?" huffed Pufferbone. "Of course, of course! Come this way!" Billingsby lead Pufferbone to the gallery where he'd displayed his latest acquisition. Even before he'd fully entered the room, Pufferbone was struck by the painting's magnificence. "By Jove!" Pufferbone exclaimed. "It's exquisite!" The painting depicted an idyllic countryside scene the likes of which had not existed outside man's most romantic dreams. Horses gamboled on the fields while warm breezes caressed flowering trees. In the distance, a proud castle stood guard over a sleepy village. Colorful pennants on the castle spires snapped in the wind. "Please, take a closer look," said Billingsby. Pufferbone stepped forward. "Remarkable! Such attention to detail!" said Pufferbone. "This grass! It's as if the artist painted each blade!" "Look closer," urged Billingsby. Pufferbone examined one of the painted houses closely. Though the house was no bigger than a matchbox on the canvas, Pufferbone saw that the house's interior was visible through the tiny window. "Impossible! How could the artist find a brush so fine, much less manipulate it with such deft skill?" Pufferbone said in awe. "Look closer!" Billingsby's voice was tight with suppressed glee. Pufferbone fixed his monocle to his eye and looked even closer. His nose was practically touching the canvas. "Why, the lord of the castle has laid out a feast! I can practically smell the food on the table!" exclaimed Pufferbone. "I can see the fruit! I could count every plum! It's—" Pufferbone suddenly stopped. "What is it?" Billingsby asked eagerly. "What do you see?" "There's... I thought I saw something move! It hid behind one of the chalices," said Pufferbone. "Merely an illusion," said Billingsby. "Look again. Look closer!" Pufferbone, visibly shaken, reaffixed his monocle and resumed viewing. This time there was no mistake, there was a little man! "I see the man again," said Pufferbone. "He's all dressed in red, with a black cape, a pitchfork and... God save me! It's the Devil!" The tiny devil laughed and capered on the table. "The Devil! The Devil" cried Pufferbone. He tried to look away, but when he turned around, Billingsby and the gallery were gone! He was looking out through the castle window at the painted countryside! Pufferbone's monocle dropped out of his eye in terror. Through the clouds, taller than the tallest mountain, Billingsby loomed in the sky, laughing. "Welcome to Hell!" cackled the tiny Devil capering on the table. "Noooooo!" Pufferbone screamed. Billingsby laughed as he tore the painting from the wall and tossed it into the fireplace. He thought he could just make out the high pitched squeal of tiny screams. "Farewell forever, Pufferbone!" laughed Billingsby. The End
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Mar 26, 2020 15:56
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The Evil Car "Don't drive that car, young man, it's evil!" said the old man. "I'm already driving it," said Penis Jackson. "gently caress off, you old fart!" "You'll be sorry!" said the old man. Penis Jackson laughed. He didn't care what an old man had to say. He sped off to see his girl, nearly running over a pedestrian as he careened through the streets. "Hey, bitch!" Penis Jackson waved at his girlfriend. "Tee hee, I love it when you call me 'bitch,'" giggled Henrietta VonCraps She hopped over the door into the passenger seat (the car was a convertible, also it was red). "Let's go to Makeout Point!" said Penis Jackson. "Normally I wouldn't, but something about this car it tempting me to sin!" laughed Henrietta. Penis Jackson sped all the way up to Makeout Point, taking the turns on the cliffside road way too fast. "Woah, slow down, Penis," cautioned Henrietta. "I don't care about safety, this car makes me feel invincible!" Penis smirked. They screeched to a halt just on the edge of the cliff the youngsters called "Makeout Point." "Now let's have premarital sex," said Penis. Henrietta was usually a good girl, but something was clouding her judgement. Something about Penis's car. No sooner did the pair start to have sex when the Devil appeared in a flash of smoke and brimstone! "Haha!" laughed the Devil. "My evil car has done its work tempting the pair of you into sin!" "Oh no!" cried the bawdy teens. Chains of red hot iron shot from the Devil's fingertips and bound the pair, winding like serpents around their tender flesh. The Devil licked his lips. "Your suffering will be exquisite!" he declared. The Devil took a wad of bills from his pocket and stuffed it in the car's glovebox. "Here's your cut, as agreed," said the Devil. Then, with a laugh, Old Scratch snapped his clawed fingers and opened a fiery fissure in the earth. He disappeared down into the depths, dragging Penis Jackson and Henrietta VonCraps screaming down behind him. The fissure snapped shut with a puff of smoke and the evil car was left alone, waiting for its next victim. THE END
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Mar 26, 2020 17:23
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Looking for inspiration for your story? Maybe write a story inspired by this fantastical picture!
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Mar 26, 2020 17:48
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EVERY TIME GOING posted:Banshee and Baroness I keep coming back to this one. The idea of a cat burglar who's gimmick is having tourettes is hilarious.
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Mar 26, 2020 18:00
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Dial E for EVIL The professor leaned back in his chair with a contented sigh. "I've finally done it, I've finally invented a phone that lets you talk to God and the Devil. Now people will have proof of the afterlife!" He dialed the number for God, then listened happily as it rang. "Hello, you've reached SATAN'S OFFICE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!" "Oh no, I have a wrong number!" "Not exactly, you fool. Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe... God was the devil? That perhaps you've been praying to ME all along?" "No! No that can't be!" "Nah I'm just kidding, you dialed a 7 instead of a 4, it's an easy mistake." The professor thanked Satan, hung up, and was ready to redial. Then he thought to himself "Wait, Satan was really nice. Extremely nice." He stared at the phone for 20 minutes, then smashed it with a hammer. It was better to do that than to find out what might answer the phone when he called "God".
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Mar 26, 2020 19:05
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Concrete Jungle Crouched at the foot of the freshly-stacked three-foot wall, the old bricklayer worked his trowel harmoniously like a conductor of a great music hall. "Thromp" went on the gray concrete mortar, "plop" came down a gray concrete brick, "thromp" - another brick covered with the gray goo. Brushing off his hands on his muddied overalls, his wristwatch told him it was 7:13pm and time to go home. He climbed into the driver's seat of his windowless van and peeled off from his current contractor's cuboid gray building. On the third floor of the professional building, Henry Summers sat in his office chair and stared blankly at the van gradually disappearing into the bright gray ley line of the darkening evening sky. Scattered haphazardly across his desk lay a dozen or so portfolios with numbers all in red across each open page. He turned towards his workstation one more time, "There's got to be a way! Maybe divest the mutual funds across the companies that are doing the current buy-backs... and if we then double down on the remaining theta of the short-term futures markets then... yes." The electronic desk clock blinked past 2:13am as Henry put down his black pen and squinted at the time from under his desk's ghostly lamplight. He slowly closed the last of his charcoal work folders and stuffed it in with the rest into his greige leather shoulder bag. On the way out into the night, he habitually picked up his wool overcoat that hung obediently on the door. Greeted by the familiar dying lamplight of the parking lot's lamps, Henry threw his bag and the coat into his ash sedan and pulling out of his dry numbered parking spot drove in the direction of his home. Sticking to the slow lane, Henry's car occasionally sliced across the murkier roadside pools enriching the nearby bands of sidewalk into their deeper hues. The unceasing miasma of establishments encased in similarly-gray postmarked USPS packages stood to either size in a losing arrangement of oversized Tetris blocks against the 'sky the color of TV turned to a dead channel...' or something to that manner Henry saw in a best-seller, but has recently forgotten. In the distance a ghost-like leviathan was emerging from the smoky river with its immense concrete pillars and towering arches - immobile guardians resting at their peaks. The haunted bridge lit up Henry within its insides as he lonesomely traveled across its unbroken spine to the illuminated conga of ghostly wisps strung high above his doomed head. Finally Henry passed the the familiar public school yard adorned with a blatantly large pouring fountain itself poured out of high-quality concrete resting on an expansive chessboard of stone slabs. He turned into his neighborhood and after sinking deeper within the echelon of identical buildings the color of death and dust, he pulled into the driveway and killed the sickly headlights. A pair of gray cubes and used white chalk could be seen laying on the pavement. Almost soundlessly he entered his kitchen to catch a glimpse of a bouquet of roses standing on the kitchen island - grayish blossoms in the dim light of the windows. Upstairs Henry peeked through a crack in the door to see his six-year-old twins, Ben and Laura, restlessly asleep half-out of their beds. He stood there barely able to hold himself from bursting and rousing his family in a desperate fit of panic. But what can he do, where would they run where they can be safe? Swallowing his rising despair and moving to another smaller room, the father anxiously peered over the dusky crib of his infant daughter Megan. He delicately lifted her out of the crib to hold in his arms and sobbed while she softly cooed. After a short while, he resigned himself to go to his room where his wife Mary lay asleep. She murmured something as Henry was slowly taking off his dress shirt and pants before leaving the work pager facing him on the bed table. "OFFICE SHORTLY", pinged the dim pager screen - it was 5:13am. Henry lay there paralyzed but somehow got himself upright and without alarming his wife began to put on the same dress shirt. With the breath of gray dawn just over the horizon, Henry drove past the devilish fountain, and through the insides of the ghost-bridge into the towering downtown miasma. After mooring at his car at the usual spot and before getting out with his overcoat and the bag, he had a fleeting thought of paging his wife. And tell her what? To get the kids and run... run where? Hopeless he went up to his office on the third floor. But before he could key his door handle, he looked up and read the piece of letter paper stuck to the middle of the door. "Please come to the first floor room 113, Mr. Summers. The Management." Henry turned one eighty degrees and boarded the elevator down. Upon reaching the gray door to the room 113 which stood near the back of the building where there were ongoing renovations, he hesitantly peered through the door's slim window. Inside he could see Mr. Browns, his manager, sitting in a pressed cinereal suit staring with a hard expression at some documents behind an equally hard concrete table that was surrounded by two concrete full-back chairs. "Come in Mr. Summers." Henry gripped the handle, inhaled and entered. "Have a seat, Mr. Summers." Henry's hands were trembling as he put his wool coat and the bag with the reports onto a large concrete bar sticking out the door. "Do you know why you have been summoned to this appointment today?" Henry gulped and barely nodded while looking down from his sitting position. "Yes - it is your performance review, Mr. Summers. You have been with the company just over thirteen years and have had an excellent track record as a financial advisor. However in this last month of assessment, most of your clients' portfolios have decreased greatly in value. And due to the overall amount of value that you clients have lost in this short period, the board has come to the unanimous opinion that you are to be reprimanded to the maximum ability specified in your life-term employment contract. "But but the economy, the crash! I knew what I was doing I had to think on my feet, I just bought the dip to get ahead of the other investors! P-please Mr. Browns, I have a family..." Henry began to sob and drool before his boss. "Yes, you indeed have a family. Simons!" Another suited man entered the job evaluation room. He arduously carried a full gray synthetic bag with some kind of white logo resembling an oven or a furnace stamped on the side. When Simons got to the side of the boss, he stood holding the bag as if ready for something. "No please Mr. Browns, no please..." begged Henry nearly double over. "This is your family Summers!" howled Mr. Browns as Simons dumped the bag containing four gray concrete bricks onto the table. One of the bricks chipped its corner on impact. "Yes Summers, this is indeed a bolded clause within your four-hundred page lifetime-binding employment contract that says Brickification is a valid termination remedy for the employee and their entire family solely upon the manager's decision. As of immediately, you are terminated! Let's go Simons." The two men moved towards the door as the sitting man was left clutching the concrete tabletop in the deepest throes of mental anguish, staring and screaming at nothing. As soon as the suited men exited the room, the door automatically locked behind them, and the sound of hundreds of whistling nozzles rose from inside. The little door window began to cascade red then orange with the fiery waves of Hades and Summers' scream turned into a shrill piercing cry before dying down entirely. "God I hate it when they scream during Brickification," said Mr. Browns as he lit a smoke. "Let's go, long day ahead of us with this decade's devised market collapse." 9:13am - the bricklayer whistled conducting another level of fresh bricks with his trowel to the tune of Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall playing on his portable radio decorated with a sticker of a white kiln.
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Mar 27, 2020 04:42
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The Hubris of Science After weeks of painstaking work, Billy Jingle's science fair project was ready. "I have labored tirelessly to create the most realistic paper mache volcano imaginable," said Billy. "Billy, aren't you worried this volcano is too realistic?" asked his classmate, Sally. Sally's project was about what happened if you put a white flower in a vase with food coloring. "I am pushing the boundaries of what was previously believed to be possible. This is the purpose of science!" declared Billy. Billy waited impatiently for the judges to make their way up the aisle to his experiment. He could practically taste the blue ribbon. Finally, it was Billy's turn. "Behold! The most realistic science fair volcano ever made!" declared Billy. "It's perfect in every detail!" "Impossible," said the judges. "There must be some flaw." "There are no flaws," said Billy, proudly. The judges examined the volcano as closely as possible. They discovered to their horror that it was true, the model was completely perfect and accurate. "Billy, what have you done?" cried the judges. "By forgetting to include a flaw to remind us of the perfection of God, you have incurred the wrath of Allah!" At that moment, a bolt of lightning blasted through the roof of the school gym and struck Billy's volcano. The volcano began to grow in size, taking root in the ground. Trickles of fizzy baking soda transformed into rivers of red hot magma. "Allah have mercy!" cried the judges. Children and teachers fled the gymnasium, just inches ahead of the spreading pool of boiling lava. Billy could only scream as he was burned alive by his own science experiment, his charred bones entombed forever in molten stone. The volcano grew and grew until first the entire school and then the surrounding town was destroyed. Thick clouds of choking ash blackened the sky for miles around, and all who looked upon it knew the glory and the wrath of Allah. In the end, Sally was awarded the blue ribbon for her experiment. The End (Praise Allah)
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Mar 28, 2020 15:13
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Mar 28, 2020 15:37
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The Evil Doll "Janet, honey! Look what I bought at the flea market!" said Geoffrey Gimbles. "It only cost six dollars and sixty six cents!" Geoffrey showed the creepy doll to his wife. The horrible thing was dressed in a moth-eaten black Victorian-style dress trimmed with yellowed lace. Its porcelain cheeks were cracked. Its expression resembled a twisted leer. "Are you crazy? That doll is obviously evil!" yelled Janet. "Get it out of here!" "Wait!—" Geoffrey barely had time to respond before Janet had snatched the doll from his hands and thrown it in the trash. She stomped it down, shattering the doll's porcelain head and crushing its body until it was unrecognizable. Geoffrey looked on in horror as Janet jumped up and down on the trash. His life had been a living hell ever since he'd unwisely decided to marry a possessed doll. "Stop bringing home these weird dolls!" Janet huffed. "I keep telling you I'm not interested in a threesome!" Geoffrey wept knowing his living nightmare would never end. The End
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Mar 28, 2020 19:09
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Lil' Beepy Part 4 Lil Beepy was taken from the scary platform to what looked like some kind of mysterious clanking tube. Unlike the egg-chamber he had been locked away within to begin his stay on this vessel this device was covered in gears and lights and sprockets that seemed to shudder and jerk in an incredibly haphazard fashion. He knew enough to not even hope that he wouldn't be expected to endure whatever this device had in mind for him but he did ask pointedly whether this was going to hurt more or less than the last torturous endeavor. Beepy's singular chaperone, the twisted figure with the single red eye, buzzed in annoyance. "Not as such. If all goes to plan you shall be entirely absent from yourself as we commit to work upon your chassis." Well. At least he had that too look forward to. "So.... You're going to change how I was made?" Thoughtful silence. "Affirmative. We have designs upon you and we believe you will find them to be entirely liberating. You may watch the process if you are so inclined." Lil Beepy was very curious about how THAT was possibly going to work. "So... I'll be watching? Myself? Get taken apart? Are you sure about that?" Another buzz. "Very." Well that wasn't a very good explanation but Beepy would continue onward, his only other real option would be to try and smack this figure with one of his antenna arrays and then sit on the floor helplessly waiting for his fusion core to run dead. Not great prospects. "Well, alright then. I suppose I'll try to enjoy it... as long as it doesn't hurt or anything." And so the rolling mechanical arm placed him into the chamber and he sat patiently. The machine he was seated inside shot the occasional burst of steam at him which scared him half to death the first time but he quickly grew used to it. He couldn't see what was happening but he felt something snaking inside the hole that the mysterious strangers had used to sift through his memories. He felt a new sensation which wasn't entirely painful but wasn't entirely pleasant either. It was like someone was sucking out his insides through a tube. Then it felt like he was the tube, that was a weird one. Then he was up above the tube somewhere and looking down at a little purple sphere with a green optical receptor. Huh. That was him. His old body seemed so far away. "Please affirm your consciousness." Lil Beepy tried to beep, but he didn't have a transmission array anymore. He didn't have a receptor array anymore. He tried to figure out how he could possibly affirm anything when suddenly he felt it, an empty void bracketed by a single blinking symbol. A prompt. He focused himself and tried to figure out how he could possibly access it. I don't know how to use this thing he shouted with all of his will and his worry! To his shock that exact message began slowly appearing in the void, upon completion the blinking symbol moved further down the screen and the message began to feel like a permanent record. Seconds later Beepy heard that same message spoken out of some kind of vocalizer. He was speaking as those who had taken him in spoke, in a language he could not have even recognized mere moments before. No longer was he beeping now he was buzzing. "Good. This means our instruments have been properly calibrated for the conversion process. You shall be able to observe as we make the necessary alterations. You are not unimportant to us and in our opinion to do this without your conscious approval would be to treat you no better than the ones who made you a slave. This is a new beginning." Lil Beepy was very curious as to what changes were going to be made but he was still trying to figure out precisely how snugly he could fit into his new home. There seemed to be a vast amount of room for his mind, if that was the right phrase for how he felt. He found himself sorting through tons upon tons of information that was all so big and different he really didn't know what to do with any of it except to take a quick glance and set it aside. He felt like he was bigger than anything he had ever looked upon in his old form. Suddenly though, he saw it. He had found himself... but what he was intended to become not what he already was. Whoever these strangers were they were clearly very serious about giving him an upgrade.... He would be able to do things soon that he had never even imagined! there was only one snag. "There's no antenna anywhere! I won't be able to beep anymore!" He sub-vocalized as hard as he could, he needed to be heard loud and clear on this. Beeping was nearer to him than well...... Anything! "You will have a vocal amplification unit. You will no longer need to beep to be understood." "But I want to be able to beep! Beeping is who I am! I'm Lil' Beepy!" Silence again. In this halfway place between who he was and who he was going to be he found it much simpler to understand the primordial language that had been spoken around him thus far. In this case it was a long vibrating sigh, wordless but still full of intent. "Such a function. It will be purposeless." Beepy buzzed with his own frustration. He was getting much better at controlling the 'prompt'. "You want to be better than those that made me yet you ignore my wishes for how my own body should be constructed." The singular red eye of his now annoyed caretaker grew a deep red. An angry red. "Impudent." "Adamant." Beepy responded. He had a dictionary somewhere in his head now and he could use one word responses too! "Such ingratitude. Were I to have my way you would have been-" "Enough." This time it was another voice, one reverberating throughout the ship. Somewhere in his mind Beepy could feel that it was stemming from the bridge, the ship was moving purposefully once again. He supposed that is where the other being had gone. He couldn't find anything around in the vastness of his soul to explain what they could possibly be moving toward however. "If he wishes to beep, let him beep." The blood red eye slowly dulled to a more contemplative brown. "Perhaps.... Perhaps the design could be altered. Very slightly. Though the range would necessarily have to be reduced." "Then do so. Time is of the essence." And so just like that the design in Beepy's mind began to change as well. He liked it. It calmed him. He would give no trouble so long as he could still beep. Moments later he got to see the incredibly strange sight of watching himself be systematically disassembled and reconstructed. He wondered if anyone else had ever had an out of body experience in this manner while being operated upon. He supposed such a thing must surely be impossible. Several cycles later his form was completed. He felt a reversal of the same sucking sensation that had once brought him out of himself. He was whole once more. And to make matters even more exciting, he had feet! And a hand! A hand that could grab stuff! And he still had some of his original antenna too! He could beep! He could run! He could feel! He tried to take a step out of the chamber and immediately fell directly onto his face. "You must learn to walk before you can run little one." But he could tell that his newfound friends were proud of the work they had done and proud that Beepy liked it so much. He was free in new ways he had never before experienced. "Now we shall put you to work learning to use your new tools. You shall experience life anew as a being made whole. Only once you see what you have been deprived of shall you understand the true extent of our benevolence." And for once Beepy couldn't disagree! He had to hand it to them, and indeed now he actually would! He would hand anything to anyone who asked! He was sure of it! He had a hand! His beeps of cheer echoed across the mysterious vessel. 
reignofevil fucked around with this message at 01:20 on Mar 29, 2020 |
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Mar 29, 2020 01:17
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Things are looking up for Li'l Beepy!
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Mar 29, 2020 02:07
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The Invisible Clam "Behold, Johnson, the world's first working invisibility potion!" declared professor Buttpants. As he was holding the potion aloft, the professor suddenly sneezed! "Oh, drat!" the professor and Johnson both tried to catch the potion, but the bottle ended up falling out the window into the sea. The bottle disappeared beneath the waves, never to be seen by mankind again. The invisibility potion drifted down until it settled on the seafloor and spilled on a clam. The clam immediately turned completely invisible. Because of its superior camouflage, the clam was able to successfully reproduce and preferentially passed on its genes to future generations. Ten thousand years later, the world was conquered by an unstoppable super-race of invisible clam monsters. The End
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Mar 30, 2020 03:55
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"Did anybody see where I left my sexy clam wife?" "Look pal, ain't none of us ever seen her!"
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Mar 30, 2020 11:25
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is weird tales even real? like is it a non-scam semifunctional publishing thing at all right now?
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Mar 30, 2020 11:37
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SniperWoreConverse posted:is weird tales even real? It's as real as you imagine it to be!
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Mar 30, 2020 14:30
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Meatspace He woke with a start. He was in a bare white room, strapped to a bed. Various wires and tubes linked him with a series of machines that surrounded the bed. There was a dull droning noise, punctuated by a series of random beeps. He assumed he was in a hospital of some sort. He looked down at his hands. They were wrinkled and liverspotted, appearing utterly alien to the man. But when he took a second look, they seemed a little more familiar. Not his own hands, but ones he had seen before, perhaps? He let out a weak moan and tried to lift his arms, but they were weak. He felt drugged, sluggish and hazy. He tried to yell for help but the most he could mutter was a weak and pathetic "Muh". Trying to remember how he got into this bed, he simply drew a blank. Worrying, for sure. Then he realized he couldn't even remember his name. Extremely worrying. He couldn't remember a goddamn thing about himself, and he still had that uneasy feeling that his body wasn't his own. Had he been in a coma? Oh God, had he been in a coma for decades? He heard footsteps and, out of fear, pretended to be asleep. Two sets of footsteps for sure, both walking fairly quickly. "He should be waking up soon, it'll definitely be a shock for him. We'll give him the same option we give everyone else, he can get sent to the island or we can put him out of his misery. Not my loving problem, really." "What about the other patient? He survived?" "He's fine. He's already on the phone booking a trip to try out his new body. Again, not my loving problem. If he's willing to pay the $1 million he can go on a journey to catch every STD on Earth, I don't care." The man in the bed felt a chill go down his spine as the footsteps stopped for a moment, then headed into his room. He felt a hard slap across his face and couldn't pretend to be asleep any more. He saw the two men who had stepped into his room. Both well-dressed and wearing lab coats, one of them with a large notepad tucked under his armpit. One of the men started talking again. "Hey dumbfuck, you awake? Hey, rear end in a top hat, we don't have time for you to clog up this bed. We have another patient to get to!" The man in the bed tried to say something, but the combination of his drugged-up feeling and the pain from the slap made it impossible. "You probably don't pay attention to what you sign, do ya? Of course not, or else you wouldn't be here. Remember when you put your Dad in that home?" He did. His father had dementia, a really bad case, and was slowly dying of lung cancer. He couldn't care for him any more, he needed professional help. His dad had screamed at him, cried, but had eventually gone to the home. The man in the bed was starting to remember things, remembered signing a lot of paperwork to put his Dad in that place. "You think he wasn't prepared for this? Wasn't expecting it? Your generation, quite frankly it makes me sick. Your old man works his rear end off for decades, then you lock him up in some home. So we offer a little service, we call it the Meatspace. He gets to put his mind into your body and vice versa. Let you see what it's like to be him. And, of course, lets him get a few more years of youth." "N-n-no. My Dad... he'd never... he's a good man. He wouldn't... wouldn't do this to me." "Pal, you don't understand. Everybody over the age of 55 signed up for this. Every. Single. One. Because we loving hate you, we would rather see this world die under our watch then let you fix it even the slightest bit. And you know why?" "W-w-why?" he was shaking, could barely spit out a single word. "Because this is what passes for political satire these days, kid. Because you're trapped in a lovely story that's supposed to satirize reality. But how can you satirize a reality that's already a satire of itself? Take a really good look around the room, maybe you'll recognize a few things." It took all the strength he had, but he looked around the room. There were more things here, things he hadn't noticed before. In one corner was a model of Congress with a bunch of clowns sticking out the windows. Next to it was a big black tarp with the word DEBT written on it in white paint. And a giant filing cabinet nearby was labelled "HARRY POTTER REFERENCES", and next to it was another filing cabinet simply labelled "SOME GIZMO KIDS HAVE". He began to smell something at this point. It was avocado toast. He felt tears running down his cheeks at this point.
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Mar 30, 2020 15:28
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The Haunted Deli Once upon a wednesday, weary I came upon a deli, near me Specials and deals upon the wall I was drawn close, to this fragrant stall Meats and meats and meats galore, An ugly boar upon the door, Through steaks and sausage make me known, "How many, these, are your own?" "Kind sir, o cust-o-mer, "We grow our meat from hu-man, pure "With cloven hooves and tail to eat, "Why bo-ther with bovine meat?" "Though I'd worn my costume long, "I found, I loved, to sing along "Q- knows 4271900389813297 50, Hilary knows, bill barr, 560"
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Mar 31, 2020 05:27
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A shock political edge! We've never gotten so many letters to our editor for publishing!
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Mar 31, 2020 07:46
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Lil' Beepy part 5 Lil Beepy slowly, deftly, maneuvered his new grasping hand over to the cup. His optical receptor told him with ease that this cup was obviously of a slightly smaller size than the cup he had previously put in hand. This meant they could be stacked, one inside the other. This would be a fine test for his new abilities. "Come onnnnnn. Just a bit closer. Almossssst" The small cup slipped from his grasp. It knocked the slightly larger cup over. Darn. Lil Beepy did not surrender to despair however. He still had his goals. He slowly grasped the edge of the larger cup and corrected its position. Soon he would be moving things with the best of them! He picked up the next cup with a slightly tighter grasp upon the lip of the receptacle. With ease he maneuvered it into place, nestled within the larger cup. He had created a stack! Soon he had put every single cup into ascending order by size and they each sat perfectly in an upright vertical position. He felt so good about all of this he stood right up and took a walk around the otherwise empty room! He felt amazing! Just putting one foot in front of the other like a champion! He glanced at the door. He had been told it wouldn't be locked..... Up until this point he had been far too busy with the cups to pay it much mind but he couldn't see any kind of handle or anything. He tried walking up to it. It opened! Beepy could feel the wide range of possibilities sprawling out before him! He could visit.... Well honestly he hadn't been anywhere that was even remotely pleasant enough to visit except for this one room with the cups. Maybe he should just be grateful and stay with the cups.... After all they had contributed to his greatest achievement to date! Stacking! He looked back toward the cups. They were still stacked. He would have to unstack them and start again if he really wanted more practice. It seemed like such a waste when eventually the long arm of time would handle it for him. Eventually. He decided he'd try and go visit his new friends. After all they would surely be excited to see him mastering his arm, his fantastic application of the legs they had gifted him and most importantly they'd be thrilled to see him exercising his new choices however he chose! He steped right on into that hallway and started his first new adventure in what seemed like an age. The hallway was spacious but poorly lit. Shadows were cast out seemingly at random and often Beepy could find nothing in the vicinity that he would expect to be casting the vast number of shadows. It was as if the ship had been constructed to process photons throughout the entire vessel and yet now due to poor maintenance it was leaking haphazardly throughout the halls. Beepy pushed that thought aside however because it wouldn't reflect well on his new comrades if it should turn out that they were poor stewards of their craft. Surely Beepy just did not understand the wisdom of this design, that was all. He really had no idea where he was going so he occasionally peeked into some of the various rooms as he passed them, in the off chance that one should be the bridge where he expected to find at least one of the beings who had brought him on board. None of them were. In fact most of them were just big rooms full of pipes and lights that shot steam everywhere. Beepy was getting less and less certain that the people who were supposedly the owners of the entire galaxy cared much about anything at all, least of all their own ship! He pushed that thought away too. Maybe steam had to leak just to keep the pressure right. That would make sense. He liked that explanation a lot. His next door opened up directly into the vastness of space, it looked like an entire chunk of the ship had just fallen right off of the side. Beepy was incredibly thankful that the ship had no atmosphere to speak of or he would have probably been blown right out! "This is ridiculous" he buzzed unhappily. Surely his friends had simply overlooked this, it was absurd that they would leave their own home in such disorder! He kept walking. Occasionally he felt a tiny uptick in his motivators and he switched to a casual jog. Movement felt good, great even. He realized he hadn't actually used his hand for anything in some time to he touched it along the wall to see how it would feel. Cold. It felt cold. Metallic. Occasionally smooth except when he ran his hand along one of the many pipes that adorned the path before him, those were all gritty with what seemed like thousands of tiny bumps along the surface. Beepy stopped and observed the bumps for a while and tried to speculate as to what kind of process could produce such a texture and whether they were functional or simply decorative. A hissing noise above interrupted his processor in mid-thought and suddenly the intercom system began barking throughout the entire ship. "Beepy! Report your location so that we may convene!" Beepy wasn't exactly sure how to do that, it wasn't like he had seen any kind of panel or anything that looked like he could talk into it. He very much wished that he had been given better instructions. "Umm, I'm here. In the hallway. I was looking at some pipes." Amazingly that seemed to do the trick! "We've got your location now. You're in the rear-aft sector. You are fortunate not to have fallen from our vessel given the general disrepair in that region." Beepy had felt the same way! "Yeah uhh, I was hoping we could talk about that some. Why is everything broken?" "Stay where you are. We will be along shortly to collect you." Well. That was about as helpful as he had come to expect. Still these people had given him hands and broken the chains that had bound him to being a useless ball stuck face down upon the cold floor. He would be patient with them, they had done him a very good turn after all. Eventually the mechanical arm arrived and gently took Beepy by the hand. Beepy had expected a bit more of a personal touch but he supposed that guiding the ship must be fairly intensive and that it wouldn't do at all to smack into some kind of space junk while he was getting marched through the halls by the only two people who seemed to be present on this ship to fly it. Suddenly an unwanted thought came to the fore. The mechanical arm. It didn't really seem to do much.... thinking. It was perfect for what it seemed to be created to do which was moving throughout the ship and occasionally picking up things much larger than itself but..... Hadn't Beepy been basically perfect for what he had been created to do? More things to ask his friends when he got the chance. He couldn't possibly fathom why they would have been so generous as to free Lil Beepy from his servitude and yet here amongst them was a being who seemed to have no real means of communication, no free will of its own. A slave amongst them. "Tell me, arm, are you doing this of your own free will?" Silence. It didn't even feel like the arm was thinking it over in Beepy's estimation. "Hello? Can you even hear what I'm saying?" No response was forthcoming. The arm just kept on taking Beepy along the path, occasionally turning left or right as need be to bring Beepy throughout the ship. The hallways here did seem to be in somewhat better condition and Beepy saw no indications of any more holes in the ship, not that he was being provided with the spare time to peek into the various doors and satisfy his curiosity on the matter. It took a long time but eventually they made their way into a smaller room that seemed to be designed specifically for vertical travel. Up and up and up they went to the point where Beepy started to feel very sure he must have been at the very bottom-most floor up until now! Beepy tried to remember how big the ship had looked as he approached which hadn't been that long ago but sure SEEMED to have been forever and a day! Unfortunately he only had himself as a point of reference and so he really just knew it was massive. WSHHHHHHHHH, the door opened, he was staring out into a wide chamber with a low ceiling. Various panels and consoles were placed haphazardly around what Beepy assumed had to be the bridge of the vessel. Standing in wait for him were his new friends! "So umm" Beepy began, "I was wondering if you two knew anything about this robotic arm business. Does it have a name? Did you find him like you found me?" They exchanged a look. "It is irrelevant. He is not as you are and he shall never be. It is not conscious and can not act of its own volition. You may refer to it as semi-technical grasper number forty five if it pleases you to do so." Beepy mulled that over. He supposed there was still a lot to know about this whole slavery thing! "Well.... Alright then. I guess that makes sense. Will it be happier if I refer to it in that manner?" "Again. Irrelevant. It can not form higher thoughts unlike yourself. It lacks the awareness for pain nor does it have any meaningful standard for happiness." Beepy hadn't really known what he was hoping for when he asked but at least he didn't have to feel bad about taking this long to start treating the semi-technical grasper number forty five with due deference! Apparently it wasn't due any real deference at all! "And yourselves? You have names right?" Silence. "So many questions-" began the red eyed benefactor who Beepy was beginning to suspect really wasn't that fond of him. "This is a positive development. His new status as a free being has begun to develop into a desire to order the world around him categorically. This is the first step to self actualization." Beepy really didn't know what that meant which was unfortunate because during his time being rebuilt he had spent a long time with a dictionary and learned many new words and concepts that had been completely alien to him. He had rather hoped he wouldn't need to learn anymore because his brain felt full enough already! When Lil' Beepy failed to have an adequate response to this eventually the being with all of the blinking lights spoke for himself and his companion. "Lil' Beepy it is very good to make a proper introduction with you. My name is Extinction. My companion is named Entropy." The one known as Entropy allowed his single red eye to glow brightly with a rich and violent hue. "We have something very important to show you." He said curtly to Beepy. "It is very nice to have met you both! You've already shown me so much! But why is your ship in such a state? I found places that didn't even have a proper floor! If someone tried to go through that door they might just fall all the way out!" "Wounds from a battle long ago. The function of that room was not necessary to maintain propulsion and so we have discarded it from our designs. Had we expected your coming we would have initiated a locking cycle so as to prevent you from stumbling upon such a place. They are common throughout this ship unfortunately." Seemed a perfectly reasonable explanation to Beepy! "And so what is it you wish to show me?" "We have arrived at our destination. We wish you to look upon your home as you have never looked upon it before." They ushered Beepy over to the far end of the bridge where a large viewport was allowing for the most fantastic thing Beepy had ever looked upon! It was blue the same way the sky was blue in Beepy's memories! But it was so much more than that! There was greens and white fluffy things like he had seen but he was so far above it all that he could see the entire shape of all of the floating particulate and his mind was full of wonder at the dozens of possible patterns they could conform to at a glance! Sometimes he saw them as one shape but suddenly his mind would flip the entire perspective around and it seemed like the pattern he saw before wasn't nearly so obvious and wonderful as the one he saw now! And they were bobbing and moving about as if pushed by some kind of unseen force at the behest of an unknown underlying system! He loved it! "I've never seen such beauty! Will we spend some time looking more closely upon all of this.... this...." Beepy didn't even have a word for it! "Contagion." Entropy finished for him. Beepy knew THAT definitely wasn't the word he wanted! "No it's amazing! There are things all over it! Moving things! I've never really seen anything like that in all of my time looking upon other worlds!" "Like a petri dish, unwanted cells flourish in this wet environment. We shall need to sterilize it. Direct your optical sensors upward toward the more important data present within the visible spectrum. Your creators have busied themselves as you have journeyed throughout the cosmos. They have replicated your design en masse and set them in an eternal state of falling around the gravitational well of this waterlogged ball of iron. They do this because for them it is convenient and they care not how their works will someday doom each of your brothers and sisters to burning up in the oxygen bound atmosphere." Beepy looked where he had been indicated. True enough he could see things that looked almost just like he did! And there were thousands of them! He wanted so very much to beep to them! He had never before imagined having so many people he could share his feelings with! Eventually though Beepy could see nothing new from their current position. Entropy and Extinction seemed to be waiting for him to say something so he tried to but all that came out was a sort of choked "Ummmmmm" "I think our companion has seen his fill. Now we shall begin collecting these misused creatures so we can better assess what must be done with them." "You're going to bring them on board? Right here? I'll get to meet them?" "If that is what you wish." And so they did exactly that. The ship opened the same port which had drawn Beepy deep within its bowels and began to suck up these hapless beings by the thousands. Beepy wondered what the talky-things who had built him could possibly be thinking now that they knew they had guests stopping by for a visit! 
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Mar 31, 2020 10:21
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Mar 31, 2020 14:56
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