|
The Dimension Next Door "It's so strange living next to our alternate selves from a parallel dimension," said Mary Jo. "Mary Jo you're so high," said Elmer Jenkins, Mary Jo's husband. Mary Jo started laughing and waved out the window at a cluster of topiary. "Hi parallel dimension version of me," she said, grinning stupidly. Topiary Mary Jo from the parallel dimension where everyone is made out of topiary, waved back. Oh also topiary Mary Jo was made of weed and that's what Mary Jo was smoking to get high. The End.
|
#
?
Nov 22, 2021 16:36
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 18, 2024 01:38 |
|
|
Hero Factory There were a lot of civil rights protests when the first generation of AI-guided missiles went into service. As the AIs became more sophisticated and eventually achieved sentience, the problem became unavoidable. Every sentient-AI missile was, from a human rights perspective, a suicide bomb. The missile factories introduced a worker whose entire job was to hang a Medal of Honor around the nosecone of every missile as it rolled off the assembly line. Another worker wearing a yellow ribbon thanked each missile for its service before it was mounted on the firing pylon of the space fighter going into battle. The public outcry vanished overnight. "God bless our brave missiles," said a very fat man wearing a T-shirt with a picture of a bald eagle shedding a single tear. The End. Applewhite fucked around with this message at 16:17 on Nov 23, 2021 |
|
#
?
Nov 23, 2021 16:14
|
|
|
The Prison Planet Three figures stood on the barren, gray surface of the singular moon orbiting a lonely blue planet at the edge of the galaxy. The surface of the world above them was barren and ravaged by volcanic eruptions. The watery seas battered by terrible storms. "This is the planet where we'll send all the most evil beings in the galaxy," said Emperor Gromax, ruler of the Grand Galactic Empire. "Only the most evil beings will be sent here, beings so evil that it's written into their very genes. All of their descendants will be evil until the end of time," said Zogdar, the grand vizier to the Grand Galactic Emperor. "Even the plants will be evil." "What shall we name this most evil planet, from which there shall be no escape?" asked the imperial surveyor. "We shall name it..." Gromax paused, licking his green lips as he savored the name. "Deathzone Hateplanet." The other two applauded in their spacesuits. The radio crackled. "The ship is ready for takeoff, my liege," said George, imperial space pilot. George was a human being from Earth, which was part of the Grand Galactic Empire. "Let us depart this cursed place and look upon it no more," said the emperor, swishing his space cape as he turned back toward the warmth and civilization of the galactic core. The End. *Author's Note: this story was originally published on Deathzone Hateplanet, making the Emperor's announcement much more of a twist.*
|
|
#
?
Nov 24, 2021 18:19
|
|
|
On Deathzone Hateplanet Writey McAuthor was putting together his latest piece of speculative fiction. It involved a society where for one day every year all crimes would be lawful by a regulated authority and the trials and tribulations involved with living under such a regime. When he told his friends in the raider-clan about the premise where laws could exist for three hundred and sixty four days out the entire year with only one day of lawless murderous chaos they all said he was a fantasy author.
|
|
#
?
Nov 24, 2021 19:35
|
|
|
The Cursed Goblet After a long battle through the winding halls of the ancient temple, the adventurers finally cut down the monsters guarding the innermost treasure chamber. Beams of sunlight shined down from the ceiling onto a pedestal in the center of the room, where sat a golden goblet encrusted with gems. "At last, we've found the legendary goblet of Yan Kattam!" exclaimed Jodash, the warrior. "Be careful, the goblet may be cursed," warned Pinkles, the wizard. "I'm being careful," said Jodash even as he reached out to touch the goblet with his bare hands. "Nooooo!" Mara, the ranger, unlimbered her bow and loosed an arrow with masterful precision, striking the goblet and knocking it off the pedestal. The goblet spun away and rolled down a storm drain, lost forever. "Thanks a lot, rear end in a top hat," snapped Jodash. "I was trying to save you from the curse!" protested Mara. "I just checked my wizard book and it turns out the goblet wasn't cursed," said Pinkles. "My bad." The adventurers had to return from their quest empty handed. "I guess the real curse was the friends we made along the way," said Pinkles, glumly. The End.
|
|
#
?
Nov 25, 2021 16:30
|
|
|
Happy Turkey Day General Gobbles had never known crushing defeat like this before. So many of his good soldiers wouldn't be returning home to their roosts, so many hens left as turkey-widows. Entire battlefields strewn with the bones of the slain, fit only now for turkey vultures.
|
|
#
?
Nov 25, 2021 20:08
|
|
|
reignofevil posted:Happy Turkey Day
|
|
#
?
Nov 25, 2021 20:30
|
|
|
I don't appreciate you making some kind of mockery out of General Gobble's plight.
|
|
#
?
Nov 25, 2021 20:43
|
|
|
reignofevil posted:I don't appreciate you making some kind of mockery out of General Gobble's plight. Would you say you… wished that they wouldn’t?
|
|
#
?
Nov 25, 2021 20:53
|
|
|
"This house has good bones" "This house has good bones", Jimmy's father told Jimmy. "So don't worry about anything and put your back into it". Since Jimmy's dad is a cool dad, he let Jimmy take the first swing to start the renovations on their new suburban house. The first swing will be to tear down the wall behind the bathroom sink. "Okay, dad!", Jimmy exclaimed excitedly. *thump* *thump* Jimmy hit the wall with his sledgehammer with all his might, crumbling a nice patch of the old wall! Jimmy's dad was so proud of him that they even high-fived. As the dust settled a horrifying skeleton came out of the hole! "Finally I am OUT of that crawlspace, thank you for...", the skeleton stopped talking because Jimmy and his dad were shrieking in terror! "Happy Haloween, Billy", the skeleton said, halfheartedly.
|
|
#
?
Nov 26, 2021 12:48
|
|
|
Space Kablooey posted:"This house has good bones" Billy's been dead for ten years!
|
|
#
?
Nov 26, 2021 16:45
|
|
|
The Ghost in the Casket A traveling wizard came to the city of Ba Abba and paid for his rooms at the Inn of the Striking Serpent with strange coins. Nobody recognized the face on the glittering discs, but they were silver sure enough, and the innkeeper accepted them grudgingly. The wizard had the dark look of the eastern jungles, with thick, black brows and a widow's peak so pronounced the point nearly touched the top of his nose. He traveled with no luggage, save a small casket of bronze that he carried under his arm like a basket of washing. The wizard noticed the innkeeper eyeing the casket. "Don't touch my magic casket," warned the wizard. But the innkeeper was sour about getting paid in foreign silver, and was convinced there must be something valuable inside. That night, the innkeeper brought together some thieves he knew and told them of the casket. "It's full of magic treasure," said the innkeeper. "Steal it for me and I'll split the treasure with you." "Easy as pie," said one of the thieves, licking his knife. "I'm not ascared of wizards." The thieves crept into the wizard's room. The wizard snored loudly. They stole the casket and snuck out again. "Now for the treasure." The innkeeper fetched a hammer and chisel and started to strike at the seam around the top of the casket. The thieves stood around in a circle, watching eagerly and rubbing their hands together. Finally the top popped off. The innkeeper and the thieves all looked inside. A horrifying ghost leaped out! "He he he! This looks like a fun place to haunt!" screeched the terrifying ghost. It immediately dove into a painting on the wall and the painting started flying around. Plates and crockery lifted off the shelves and flung themselves at the innkeeper and his thief friends. "Aieee!" they screamed. The noise woke up the other guests at the inn, including the wizard, who came downstairs to see everything in the room flying around like an indoor tornado. "You unleashed the evil ghost from my magic casket!" yelled the wizard. "Put it back! Use your magic! Put it back!" cried the innkeeper, cowering under the bar. "Why should I? You tried to rob me," said the wizard. A plate crashed next to the innkeeper's face. "I'm sorry! I'll do anything!" pleaded the innkeeper. "I'm afraid it will cost you," said the wizard. "You can have all your cursed silver back!" cried the innkeeper. "I'll need more than that." The wizard examined his fingernails as the room continued to tear itself apart. "I'll give you a whole purse of sliver!" the innkeeper shouted. "Toss me the purse," said the wizard. The innkeeper tossed his purse of coins to the wizard, who caught it out of the air and took his time counting the coins. Satisfied, he raised his hands and spoke an incantation. The evil spirit howled and clawed at the walls as it was sucked back into the casket. The wizard clamped the lid down on top. "Seeing as how you tried to cheat me, I think I'll spend the rest of the night elsewhere," said the wizard. He picked up his bronze casket and strode out, leaving the smashed inn behind him. With all his extra money, the wizard was able to afford much nicer lodgings. He lounged in his opulent room and clinked a glass of wine in toast with his ghost friend. "Here's to dishonest men," said the wizard. "If it weren't for all the people trying to rob us, we'd have no money at all!" laughed the ghost. The End.
|
|
#
?
Nov 26, 2021 17:14
|
|
|
Teamwork makes the scream work!
|
|
#
?
Nov 26, 2021 22:24
|
|
|
The Thing in the Basket A traveling wizard came to the city of Ba Abba and paid for his rooms at the Inn of the Striking Serpent with coins minted in the city of Shabadoo, five days' journey to the north. The wizard was generous with his silver, and paid for the finest room and meals the innkeeper had to offer. The wizard had the pale look of the northern wastes, with straw-colored hair and full, purple lips that sagged like a clown's. He traveled with no luggage, save a large, round basket of tightly woven reeds that he carried on his head like a basket of washing. The wizard noticed the innkeeper eyeing the basket. "Don't touch my magic basket," warned the wizard. "And whatever you do, don't get it wet!" But the innkeeper was sour about wizards, having had a harrying run in with one a few weeks prior. The wizard had cheated him out of a whole purse of silver, and though this wizard's generous spending more than made up the deficit, he wished all wizards ill and sought to pay this wizard back for the sins of the previous one. That night, the innkeeper brought together a band of thieves he knew and told them about the basket. "It's full of ghosts or some other magic horror," said the wizard. "But we'll not fall for his tricks this time." "I don't know about this," said one of the thieves. "My hair is prematurely gray from the last time we tried to steal from a wizard." "Yeah, but this time we're not going to open the basket," said the innkeeper. "We're going to dump the basket in the river!" The thieves all snickered. They snuck upstairs to the fine room where the wizard lay sleeping. They took the basket and snuck outside to the back, where the inn abutted the Abba river. With a mighty heave they pitched the basket into the swift, dark waters. Splash! Suddenly the waters started to boil and churn. The thieves and the innkeeper took a nervous step back. All at once a horrifying sea serpent burst out of the water and let out a mighty roar! The wizard looked out the window to see what was the commotion. "Oh no! My dehydrated sea serpent! You fools! I told you not to get it wet!" cried the wizard. The sea serpent struck like lightning, snatching up one of the screaming thieves in its fanged mouth and gulping him down in a single swallow. "poo poo! poo poo!" yelled the innkeeper. He tried to flee. The serpent lashed out again and again, snapping at the thieves as they scattered like frightened mice. The monster spat caustic venom at one from its fangs and the hapless thief howled in pain as the flesh melted off his bones. The melting thief crawled over and grabbed the hem of the innkeeper's tunic, begging for death even as his jaw dropped off his face like melted wax. "Wizard! Banish this horror! I beg you!" cried the innkeeper. "You're on your own, buddy," said the wizard, who was already getting dressed as quick as he could. "It took me two weeks in the blazing sun on the face of a magic mountain to dry out that thing last time." The serpent thrashed and roared. It smashed a huge hole in the wall of the inn and spat caustic venom into the horse pen, destroying a fortune in fine horses. "I'm ruined!" sobbed the innkeeper, dropping to his knees. "You're ruined?" said the wizard. "I already spent my advance payment for that sea serpent!" The innkeeper could only cry as the serpent destroyed the rest of the inn. The moral of the story is: don't try to rob wizards, or people in general, really. The End.
|
|
#
?
Nov 27, 2021 18:37
|
|
|
The Dragon With huge Knockers This is a story from the days when Dwarves still delved the deep places of the mountains of Ar, and the caverns of the great range rang with the sound of their picks day and night. The doorway to the Dwarf kingdom was a wonder of the world. A pair of doors three hundred feet high and two hundred feet wide, each a solid slab of wood cut from a branch of the world tree Yggdrasil. The doors were banded with Dwarven steel and could withstand even the mightiest armies. The Dwarf King was immensely proud of the great doors. They'd been installed by the first Dwarf King more than ten thousand years ago, and stood as a symbol of the might and craft of the dwarves for generations since. The current Dwarf King decided he, too, needed a legacy for which he would be remembered for ten thousand years. "A great pair of doors like this needs a great pair of knockers," declared the Dwarf King. He ordered the forging of a pair of bronze knockers of suitable grandeur to match the great doors. The project was an engineering challenge even for those as skilled in metalcraft as the dwarves of Ar. Whole new kilns had to be designed, casts had to be built, cranes and tackle to be installed to maneuver the huge pieces. The passages from the lower halls had to be widened and graded to support the colossal juggernauts that would carry the bronze knockers—over a thousand tons apiece—from the lower forges up to the great doors. They cast the knockers in the shape of a pair of lion's heads, holding the striking rings in their fanged mouths. One of the juggernauts broke and ten Dwarves were crushed to death. Later, as the cranes were lifting one of the bronze lions into place, the cables snapped and the lion came crashing to the ground, killing a further three dwarves and breaking right through the surface of the stone highway that led up the mountain. The bronze knocker fell down, down, down into the deep ravine beneath the Great Door. It took three years to haul the massive knocker out of the ravine and install it on the door. The project cost the lives of a further twenty dwarves. Finally it was done. "Let it be said that the Dwarf King's knockers are unrivalled in all the world!" boasted the Dwarf king. The knockers were truly a marvel, and word of them spread far and wide. Tales of the great knockers even reached the ears of Sheba, the fire dragon. Sheba was the wickedest and most vain of any dragon then living. She decided to pay a visit to the dwarves of Ar and see these knockers for herself. The first they heard was a noise like a hurricane coming down from the East. The pines on the mountain creaked and cracked in the hot, dry wind. Sheba had come! "Dragon attack! Close the doors! Close the doors!" cried the Dwarf King. The huge doors snapped shut just as Sheba alighted on the bridge outside the Great Doorway. "Who dares to claim they have greater knockers than I, Sheba, the bustiest of dragons?" roared Sheba. The huge dragon was taller than a tree and boasted a truly impressive set of knockers. When she saw the great, bronze lion heads, she flew into a rage! "No one shall have greater knockers than I, Sheba!" roared the dragon. She let loose a torrent of white hot fire upon the bronze knockers. The lion heads glowed red with the heat, but did not melt. The dwarves had forged them too well. Sheba decided if she couldn't destroy the knockers, she'd take them for herself. With her mighty claws she prised the huge knockers off the doors and flew off with them, leaving the great doors completely flat. Sheba fashioned the bronze knockers into a bra and wore it everywhere. It was hugely heavy and uncomfortable, but her pride would not allow her to boast anything less than the greatest knockers in the world. People laughed at Sheba everywhere she went and eventually the busty dragon became a shut-in rather than face the humiliation of everyone laughing at her ridiculous knockers. For generations afterward, any time a busty dwarf woman paid too much for a bra, they remembered the Dwarf King and the great bronze knockers. The End.
|
|
#
?
Nov 28, 2021 17:33
|
|
|
The Ring in the Gasket A traveling wizard came to the city of Ba Abba and found that there were no rooms available anywhere in the city to be had for silver or even gold. He walked to the site where had once stood an inn he remembered, but found nothing there but an empty lot and a beggar man living in a pile of wreckage. "Excuse me, beggar man," said the wizard. "Where is the inn of the Striking Serpent?" "Gone, all gone!" laughed the man, who was half mad. "A sea monster destroyed it." "This is most regrettable, for I need a place to stay," said the wizard. The beggar just laughed. "Would you like to stay at my inn? I am an innkeeper!" He gestured to the pile of broken wood where he lived. "Your generosity is commendable, beggar. I think I can provide better lodgings for both of us," said the wizard. He drew from his robes a small gasket. Secreted inside was a gold ring set with a bright green emerald. The wizard put the ring on his right middle finger and rubbed it three times, chanting: "Rise, Zagzoob, demon of air! Obey my commands!" A hideous, red-eyed demon appeared in a whirlwind. "What is thy bidding, master?" asked the demon in a voice like an evil wind. "I wish for you to build a fine inn on this spot. Dress this beggar man in the fine clothes of an innkeeper and prepare a delicious meal for both of us!" The demon clapped his hands and bowed. There was a sudden, shrieking wind that lifted the beggar up off the ground and tossed him about in a storm of wood and nails and plaster. In three eyeblinks a fine and sturdy inn stood on the spot that was once a bare patch of ground. The beggar (who was now an innkeeper) looked down and saw that he was groomed and dressed in the fine clothes of a successful innkeeper! The wizard spoke an incantation and the demon was banished. That night the two of them dined on fine food and drank heartily of the most delicious ale the innkeeper had ever tasted. Throughout the evening, the innkeeper could not stop staring at the pocket where he'd seen the wizard tuck the gasket that held the magic ring. "Don't touch my magic gasket," warned the wizard. "It's more dangerous than you can imagine." But the innkeeper couldn't stop thinking about the magic ring. If he only had a ring like that, he could make all of his dreams come true! The innkeeper used to be friends with a gang of thieves, but all the thieves had been killed horribly in a sea serpent attack, and the innkeeper had no stomach left for stealing. "If I just but borrow the ring and return it before the wizard knows it's missing, surely there can be no harm in that?" said the innkeeper to himself. That night, the innkeeper snuck into the room where wizard snored and took the gasket. Back down behind the bar, in the dim light of an oil lantern, the innkeeper pulled the gold ring out of the gasket and slipped it on his finger. He rubbed the emerald three times and spoke the incantation as he'd seen the wizard do earlier. "Arise, Zagzooble, demon of air! Obey my commands!" said the innkeeper. There was a rush of wind and the horrible, red-eyed demon Zagzoob appeared. "You are not my master!" cackled the demon. "By summoning me, you have broken the covenant that binds me to my hateful master!" The demon laughed and thunder shook the air. The wizard rushed downstairs. "You fool! You've unleashed a terrible catastrophe!" cried the wizard. "Indeed! Now that I am free, I undo all the things you made me do these long, hated years!" shrieked the demon. All over the land, buildings collapsed, crops withered, livestock dropped dead, and men and women spared from sickness suddenly found their bodies ravaged by disease. The innkeeper screamed in terror as the inn collapsed around them. He vomited as the fine food and drink he'd consumed turned into centipedes and beetles. His clothes rotted away into rags and his hair and beard grew out shaggy and matted in an instant. "Wizard!" shrieked the demon, pointing a bony, clawed finger at the cowering wizard. "You've had me save your life thrice times thrice, so count yourself lucky you die but once!" The wizard screamed. His body collapsed as if crushed by a boulder, he burst into flame, his head popped off as if struck by a headsman's axe, and six other fatal injuries befell him simultaneously. Satisfied with the death of the wizard, Zagzooble turned to the innkeeper, who was sobbing in a ball. "You have freed me from my captivity, so I will spare your life, pitiful human," said the demon. "But I curse you to poop your pants once a day every day for the rest of your life!" The innkeeper pooped his ragged pants. The demon let out a shrieking laugh like nails on a chalkboard. In the next instant he was gone. The innkeeper staggered to his feet and looked around at the ruins and the dead wizard smeared all over them. "What in the gods' names was that all about?" he asked. The End.
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2021 22:55
|
|
|
Fun Fact: although Ba Abba is known as "the city of 1000 inns," there are actually only one hundred and forty inns within the city limits.
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2021 23:09
|
|
|
This innkeeper just can't get the message.
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2021 23:22
|
|
|
Applewhite posted:Fun Fact: although Ba Abba is known as "the city of 1000 inns," there are actually only one hundred and forty inns within the city limits. I thought it was known for its fine all royalty ballets
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2021 23:48
|
|
|
Who What Now posted:I thought it was known for its fine all royalty ballets That's what it's known for not what it's known as. The Big Apple isn't famous for its apples.
|
|
#
?
Nov 29, 2021 23:57
|
|
|
Spazzle posted:This innkeeper just can't get the message. Seriously
|
|
#
?
Nov 30, 2021 02:42
|
|
|
Spazzle posted:This innkeeper just can't get the message. He's making incremental improvements. This time he wasn't planning to rob his guest, just borrow without permission for a bit.
|
|
#
?
Nov 30, 2021 03:01
|
|
|
Safety Protocols The three astronauts descended into the damp cave of the alien planet. As the explorers crossed the threshold of the cave, a display on the astronauts' space suits chirped and turned green. "The atmosphere in this cave is breathable," said the team leader. All three astronauts immediately took of their helmets and took deep breaths. One of them pointed a scanner at the wall. The scanner buzzed. "Scanner says this lichen is edible," said the astronaut. They all stuck out their tongues and started licking the wall. "It doesn't taste very good, but a machine says it's safe to lick, so I'm licking it," said one of the astronauts. *** "You all have deadly space germs and are going to die," said the ship's doctor through a thick layer of antiseptic plastic. The three astronauts all lay dying in quarantine, their flesh erupting into pustules so quickly their faces looked like boiling wax. "But the atmosphere was safe to breathe!" said the team leader just before his lungs exploded and he barfed blood all over the plastic viewing window. The three astronauts perished in unbelievable agony. The End.
|
|
#
?
Nov 30, 2021 20:40
|
|
|
Applewhite posted:Safety Protocols New Prometheus director's cut lookin good!
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2021 17:16
|
|
|
The Spaceship That Couldn't Slow Down "I've planet a bomb on this spaceship, once this spaceship reaches the speed of light, the bomb will arm," said Anthony Hopkins, terrorist. "Once the bomb is armed, if this ship drops below the speed of light, the bomb will explode." "It's not possible to accelerate to the speed of light," said the engineer. "This ship only gets up to 99% lightspeed." "I guess I know more about making bombs than I do about physics," sighed Hopkins. The police arrived and took Hopkins away in chains. Later the ship struck a speck of space dust while traveling at 99% lightspeed and exploded anyway. The End.
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2021 20:08
|
|
|
I'm back from my fantastic vacation with Stompbot Episode 4: Lines are Drawnquote:"Sorry I'm late-" 
|
|
#
?
Dec 2, 2021 02:41
|
|
|
I knew he'd need to calculate the volume of a cylinder!
|
|
#
?
Dec 3, 2021 01:01
|
|
|
Musk's Marvelous Machine Elon Musk had done it again: he'd made a new fabulous invention that would change the world! "This is my new therapeutic smoke machine," said Musk, standing next to a smoke machine attached to a leaf-blower. "It blows therapeutic smoke into the colon, where it is absorbed by the body." People lined up around the block to bend over and have Elon Musk blow smoke up their asses. "Elon Musk is such an innovator!" declared a nerd with a leafblower shoved up his rear end. He moaned as the machine filled his rear end with smoke. "Musk, what do you say to the fact your machine has a 100% rear end-cancer rate?" asked a reporter. "Only pedophiles get rear end cancer from my fabulous rear end smoke blowing machine," said Musk, angrily. "This interview is over!" He stormed off. One of the men accidentally turned up the smoke machine too high and exploded in a ball of fire. The fire department tried to rescue him but the firetrucks got rammed by rogue Tesla roadsters. The fire from the rear end-smoke machine spread to the rear end-smoke machine factory. All the nerds in the audience applauded at how much of an innovative disruptor Musk was. The End.
|
|
#
?
Dec 3, 2021 01:11
|
|
|
"Yeah I got this colleague back at The Office that got one of those machines, what a loser. Sometimes he lets the machine running for so long, I call him the Balloon Boy."
|
|
#
?
Dec 3, 2021 02:47
|
|
|
Applewhite posted:I look forward to it! I really liked the first Strongo, but I'm confused on how his fearless strength did not seem to solve everything.
|
|
#
?
Dec 3, 2021 04:21
|
|
|
Turrurrurrurrrrrrr posted:I really liked the first Strongo, but I'm confused on how his fearless strength did not seem to solve everything. Strongos 1-3 were some of my best work, IMO. After that I started to have difficulty keeping a good rhythm.
|
|
#
?
Dec 3, 2021 15:39
|
|
|
A Skeleton for Christmas "Billy, will you go and get the holiday decorations down from the attic?" asked Billy's parents. Billy hurried upstairs, he was so excited to decorate the tree! Billy found the heavy box labeled "holidays" and lugged it downstairs. When he lifted the lid off the box, he let out a terrified scream. There was a horrifying skeleton folded up inside! The skeleton was wrapped in Christmas lights, with two red lights jammed in its eye sockets. "MERRY CHRISTMAS, BILLY!" screeched the horrifying skeleton. Billy tried to run away but ran into the tree and got tangled up in the branches. The End.
|
|
#
?
Dec 3, 2021 16:01
|
|
|
Goddamn it I had a pretty decent story idea come to me in a dream and instead of writing it down I told myself I'd remember it later.
|
|
#
?
Dec 4, 2021 17:25
|
|
|
Oh hey I remembered the dream: Why We All Need Zalconite Jimmy sat at his desk, tapping his foot in frustration as he stared at the blank paper in front of him. "I can't believe I have to write a whole page on zalconite!" whined Jimmy. "What's zalconite even good for?" Just then a magical imp appeared hovering in the air over Jimmy's desk! The imp wore a purple suit with a white letter "Z" emblazoned on the chest. "Mister Zalconite!" gasped Jimmy in surprise. "That's right, and I'm here to tell you that everyone uses zalconite every day!" said Mister zalconite. "Why, for instance, did you know zalconite is the material souls are made of? And Heaven and Hell? And even all magical creatures like me are made of zalconite!" "Yeah well if there was no zalconite, I wouldn't have to write a paper on it," grumbled Jimmy. "Well, let's see what your life is like without zalconite!" said Mister Zalconite. The imp snapped his fingers and vanished. All the colors of the visible spectrum that were only perceptible to the zalconite receptors in the human body vanished and the world grew visibly dimmer. Jimmy blinked. Had he just been talking to someone? His room was empty and silent, and strangely grey-looking, though everything seemed to be as he remembered it. Jimmy felt a strange longing for something but couldn't think of what it was. Maybe if he bought a new toy with his allowance money he'd feel better. But there was no time for that now. Jimmy sighed and turned back to his paper. He had to write a whole page about the importance of magnesium by tomorrow! The End. Applewhite fucked around with this message at 18:19 on Dec 4, 2021 |
|
#
?
Dec 4, 2021 18:00
|
|
|
It's not much of a lesson if you never actually appreciate the ultimate moral!
|
|
#
?
Dec 4, 2021 22:27
|
|
|
The Planet Destroyer Gorzok, the squigling, bowed at the feet of the Emperor of the Western Galactic Arm. "My lord, we've found a suitable planet for our new colony, but it's inhabited by a pre-spacewarp race, our religion forbids us to displace a native species by force," said Gorzok. "Send our agents to the surface of their world," said the Emperor. "And plant the planet destroyer." "By your command." Gorzok bowed low and squiggled backwards out of the throne room. Soon the spaceships of the Western Galactic Empire appeared in the skies over pre-industrial Earth. Agents disguised as humans descended to the surface. "Hey, friend, let me tell you about a new economic system called 'capitalism,'" said the agents. The Emperor wrung his hands evilly. "Once capitalism takes root on their world, their civilization will destroy itself in just a few hundred years!" The End.
|
|
#
?
Dec 5, 2021 16:47
|
|
|
Faster than the Speed of Death Every night a ghostly bus rockets down the streets of Los Angeles. Some witnesses claim they can see the pale faces of Keanu Reeves and Anthony Hopkins in the front windshield, shining like full moons. "They never should have tried to do a Ghostbusters slash Speed crossover," sigh the oldsters who remember how it all began. Keanu Reeves and Athony Hopkins boarded the bus, equipped with an "ecto accelerator" built by Doc Brown that must reach fifty five miles per hour before it can activate (there was a little bit of Back to the Future in there, too). Unfortunately the props department did too good a job on the ecto accelerator and it actually turned the bus and everyone inside into a ghost! If the ghost bus ever drops below fifty miles per hour, everyone on board will be dead permanently. So the bus just circles the city endlessly, unable to live, and unable to die. *** "Sir, this is a Starbucks," says the barista. I open my mouth to explain why it's relevant when suddenly a horrifying ghost bus explodes through the front window of the Starbucks and we all get slimed. The End.
|
|
#
?
Dec 6, 2021 15:05
|
|
|
The Wormhole To Nowhere "What would happen if we sent one end of a wormhole terminus through the other end of its own portal?" asked a scientist. "It might cause a rift that would destroy all of spacetime," said the other scientist. "Let's try it." "Agreed." The scientists turned on the wormhole machine and made one gate small enough to fit inside the other gate. "Let's go!" The scientists put on their safety goggles and pressed the button that sent the smaller wormhole terminus into the larger one. They held their breath as the smaller event horizon passed inside the first. Nothing happened. No big explosion, so black hole, no time warp. "Aww," said the scientists. They sent a probe in and confirmed that if it followed the large gate all the way to the end, it came out partway down the wormhole tunnel. If the probe went back, it came out again. "Curious." The scientists consulted their abstract model, which was just a length of dryer hose looped into itself. "In retrospect, I don't know why we expected something to happen," said the scientists. The End.
|
|
#
?
Dec 7, 2021 15:32
|
|
|
Writing prompt: Amazon develops a new dash button but whenever someone presses it, Jeff Bezos poops his pants. Bezos orders the button destroyed, but before the scientists can destroy it, the button accidentally gets mixed in with a shipment of normal dash buttons... For those of you fortunate enough not to know what a "dash button" is, it's like a keyfob with one button and pressing it automatically orders whatever product the button is set for.
|
|
#
?
Dec 7, 2021 15:38
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 18, 2024 01:38 |
|
|
Normal Town It was a normal morning in the sweet but sleepy american suburb of Normal Town. Roy Richards was the very normal mayor of this very normal town and he yawned as the morning sun warmed face. He stretched and yawned, rested and invigorated for a full day of mayoring. Not that there was much mayoring to do in Normal Town, most of its citizens ran like clockwork and the rest weren't the type to make trouble. "Honey, your breakfast is almost ready!" he heard his wife call in a sweet sing-song. He could already smell the waffles and over easy eggs so he hurried to get into his suit and tie to join his family at the dining table. Every day was a good day but Roy had a feeling today was going to be especially good. He didn't quite know why, but somehow he knew. "Mm-mmm! Is that mom's famous waffles I smell?" Roy said with a cheer as he walked into the kitchen. He looked and smiled at his beautiful wife and two darling children whom he loved so much. His wife, Erika, was chopping melons into perfect cubes for a fruit salad to go with the waffles and eggs, she was always a stickler for balanced meals. His teenage daughter Melissa was busy studying for her history exam and his step-son Slaughterbot 5100 Anti-Air Configuration was in the yard tracking the skies with his four 20mm flak cannons primed, ready to send the 80,000 proximity fuse rounds stored in his central chest unit into the air. "CANNOT ESTABLISH SIGNAL WITH COMMAND" he rumbled. Slaughterbot 5100 Anti-Air Configuration and Erika were murderbots. They were a blended family. In 1944 the Braytheon Corporation smuggled out as many nazi scientists that their money could buy, which was a truly distressing number of nazis. Braytheon then "encouraged" the nazis to begin working on an assassin droid that they could sell to the US government. Millions were poured into Project E.R.I.K.A. (Elimination, Recon, Intelligence, Killing, Assassination) a fully autonomous robot completely indistinguishable from a human woman designed to first seduce foreign prime ministers and then stab them to death with the knives in her fingers. Unfortunately the US government didn't want to pay millions of dollars for what they said was "basically just a broad during that time of the month" which got a lot of laughs from men who would all for various but ultimately self-inflicted reasons be stabbed to death by their partners. Next Braytheon tried less expensive versions, ones whose disguises were merely rubber masks or whose "hidden" weapons were much less artfully concealed. Again there were few buyers for assassins that clearly couldn't blend in to get close to their targets. Braytheon also tried droids designed to look like everyday objects that would then spring to life and stab their targets, but people found the idea of robots in disguise to be "lame" and "for idiot babies that can't even afford lead paint". The one model line that did sell, the Slaughterbots, dropped all pretense and were designed solely for the purposes of direct autonomous warfare. The 5100 series had only a rudimentary AI but more than powerful enough to calculate weapon trajectories, and with its 11' tall and 7' wide cylindrical body of mostly armored plating and hard mounts it was a perfect static weapons platform. They also loved baseball and bullfrogs. But Braytheon could not turn a profit and in 1946, after three robot uprisings while trying to all their murderbots down, decided it would just be easy to simply delete the part of the code that allowed them to kill and put them in a fake town in the middle of the desert with a few actors to keep them happy and make them think they're people. In the 10 years since the town had blossomed with growth after Roy allowed a hippie commune to live there rent free as long as they played along with the robots being people and not machines meant to destroy them all with ruthless and unstoppable efficiency. Yes, Roy thought, things were going great and nothing could go wrong. "May. Or. Roy!" bleeped out Sherriff Douglass, a standing lamp droid with a policeman's cap dangling off of his lightbulb head. "There. Has. Been. A. Mur. Der!" "Oh my heavens!" cried Erika as she swooned fearfully. "Wait what did bulb-face say?" said a confused Melissa. "CANNOT ESTABLISH SIGNAL WITH COMMAND" Slaughterbot 5100 Anti-Air Configuration shouted with all the surprise his vocalizer could muster, which was none. Nothing could go wrong at all. To Be Continued
|
|
#
?
Dec 8, 2021 02:36
|
|