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The literary snobs at Asimov Science Fiction Magazine, Analog, Weird Tales, and the guy at the comic shop's self-published fantasy zine all think they're too good for the epic tales of Strongo, the Legendary Warrior so I'm starting my own pulp anthology magazine right here in this thread! Awfully Weird Tales is looking for sci-fi, fantasy and horror short fiction that is too raw and powerful for the fuddy duddy bigshots. There's no entry fee and no editor. Break out your best pulp and post it here! I'll kick things off with a never before published Strongo adventure.
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Mar 17, 2020 20:39
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STRONGO AND THE HAUNTED PRINCESS Princess Shwinga was sleeping peacefully on her fancy bed when all of a sudden she was awakened by horrifying ghosts! “Woooooo!” the ghosts yelled, swooping around the room. The princess screamed and ran naked out of the room. “Guards! Guards!” she yelled. The guards came running. They were big and strong with huge muscles and spears. “Get those ghosts out of here!” she told them. One look at the ghosts and the guards went totally white with fear. They threw down their spears and ran for their lives! “What I need is a man without fear,” said the princess. “Then you need Strongo, the legendary warrior!” said the wise woman. *** Strongo and his best friends Weeko and Beautia arrived at the palace the next day. “This will be a nice change from fighting the Bad Wizard,” said Weeko. “I’m sick of his evil schemes and disguises.” “I agree,” said Beautia. Princess Shwinga met them at the door. She was dressed in clear silk and sparkling gems. “Is it true that you fear nothing?” she asked Strongo. “It is true,” said Strongo. “And is it true you’re the strongest man in the world?” asked the princess. “That’s also true,” said Strongo. “Then you can help me,” said the princess. “What will be my reward?” asked Strongo. Princess Shwinga opened her dress to show Strongo her naked breasts. They were very round. “You shall have my body,” said the princess. Beautia’s green eye flashed with jealousy. Her blue eye looked as cold as ice. Strongo shook his head. “Beautia was built from the most beautiful parts of the most beautiful women in the world,” said Strongo. “Compared to her, you’re as ugly as a baboon.” Princess Shwinga frowned angrily. Beautia smiled and blushed. The princess clapped her hands and two muscular guards came in carrying a huge treasure chest. “Then what about this?” she asked. The guards opened the chest. It was full of shiny gold! Beautia’s mouth was watering just looking at it. Weeko’s eyes shined like gold coins. “He’ll do it!” said Beautia and Weeko together. “That is good,” said Shwinga. The princess led Strongo and his friends to her bedroom. It was full of ghosts swooping around and screeching at the top of their lungs. “This is a really nice bedroom,” said Beautia. “Except for the screeching ghosts,” said Weeko. “I fear nothing,” said Strongo. “These ghosts are as good as dead.” He drew his sword and stepped into the room. “Die, ghosts!” he yelled and charged. The ghosts screamed and swooped at him. Strongo swung his sword like crazy, but the blade just passed through them as if they were made of mist! “It’s as if they’re made of mist!” yelled Strongo. “My sword can’t cut them!” Princess Shwinga looked sad. “I guess I’ll have to move into a new palace,” she said. “Maybe instead of fighting, maybe we should try to make friends,” said Beautia. Weeko laughed. “You obviously know nothing about ghosts,” said Weeko. “But what else can we do?” asked Beautia. Suddenly the wise woman appeared. “There is only one way to fight these ghosts,” said the wise woman. “Who are you?” asked Strongo. “This is my new wise woman,” said Princess Shwinga. “My old one died.” “Only the Ghost Crystal from the top of Mount Terror has the power to drive off such powerful spirits,” said the wise woman. “Mount Terror!” Weeko yelled. His teeth started to chatter. “That’s the most terrifying mountain in the world!” “Only a man without fear could conquer such a mountain,” said Princess Shwinga. “I am such a man,” said Strongo. “Then you shall conquer the mountain,” said the wise woman. “Do I have to come?” asked Weeko. His knees were knocking together loudly. “Yes,” said Strongo. “Gulp,” said Weeko. “I’m also coming,” said Beautia. “Beware the mountain’s three challenges,” said the wise woman. *** Three days later, Strongo, Weeko, and Beautia were at the shore of the boiling lake that surrounded Mount Terror. Steam from the lake covered the whole mountain in an evil fog. “This is the first of Mount Terror’s three challenges,” said Beautia. “The boiling lake.” Weeko dipped in a toe. “Yeowch!” he yelled. His toe was bright red! “It’s too hot to swim across,” said Weeko. “We need a bridge,” said Beautia. Strongo went into the forest and chopped down a tall tree with a single slash. He carried it over and laid it across the lake like a bridge. “Now we can cross,” said Strongo. They’d barely even put one foot on the bridge when all of a sudden there was a loud roar and a huge sea monster exploded out of the lake! It thrashed its long tail and smashed the log bridge to smithereens. “Why you!” Strongo yelled. He charged at the monster with his sword, but before he could get close, it dove back into the lake. Boiling water splashed everywhere! “It burns!” yelled Strongo. “No one can cross that lake as long as the monster is guarding it,” said Weeko. “Come out and fight!” Strongo yelled at the water. The monster would not come out. “Maybe if we made friends with the monster, it would let us ride across on its back,” said Beautia. “That’s stupid,” said Strongo. They spent all day trying to cross, but the monster stopped them every time. That night, they camped on the shore of the boiling lake. “Tomorrow I’ll try filling the lake with boulders,” said Strongo. When Strongo and Weeko were asleep, Beautia snuck to the edge of the water and started to sing. “Come out, lake monster, come out!” she sang. Her voice was so beautiful that the lake monster came to the surface to listen. “Don’t be afraid,” said Beautia. The monster came closer and put its head on the shore. Beautia scratched the monster under the chin. “Your scales are lovely,” said Beautia. The monster started to purr. When Strongo and Weeko woke up the next morning, they couldn’t believe it: Beautia was riding around on the monster’s back! “Is Beautia on the monster’s side now?” asked Weeko. “I think the monster is on our side,” said Strongo. The monster carried all three of them across the boiling lake. “Thank you!” Beautia blew the monster a kiss. It waved its tail at her and swam away. “Now to climb the mountain,” said Strongo. The fog was so thick they could barely see anything. A scary howl echoed around the woods. “This place gives me the creeps,” said Weeko. “Stay close to me, I’ll protect you,” said Strongo. Weeko hugged Strongo as tight as he could. “Is this close enough?” he asked. “For now,” said Strongo. *** They’d barely gone halfway up the mountain when a huge, two-headed warrior appeared out of the mist! His faces were covered by terrifying masks. “The second challenge,” said Beautia. “The two-headed warrior!” “Let us pass or be destroyed!” Strongo told it. “Whatever you do to me, I’ll do double back to you!” yelled one of the giant’s heads. Strongo charged at the giant and punched him as hard as he could. The punch barely jiggled the giant’s big, fat belly. “Ha ha! That tickles!” laughed the heads. The giant drew back a huge fist and punched Strongo so hard that he flew back and crashed through a tree. “Wowee!” said Weeko. “Are you okay?” asked Beautia. “I’m just getting warmed up!” said Strongo. He jumped at the giant and punched five times as hard as before! The giant only laughed. The punch hadn’t hurt him at all! “My turn!” said the left head. He pulled back his fist and smacked Strongo so hard he crashed through ten trees! “Time to use my sword,” said Strongo. He was feeling a little dizzy. “Wait!” said Beautia. “His sword is twice as big as yours, he’ll cut you in half!” “Not if I cut him first!” said Strongo. “Stop!” screamed Beautia. “I’m afraid he’ll kill you!” “I fear nothing,” said Strongo. “Can we at least try my way first?” asked Beautia. “What’s your way?” asked Weeko. “Making friends,” said Beautia. “Just don’t expect me to bail you out if you get in trouble,” said Weeko. Beautia walked up to the giant warrior. “Fighting looks like hungry work,” Beautia said to them. “Would you like to have some of our snacks?” “Yes I would love that,” said the left head in a nice voice. “Me too,” said the right head. Strongo and Weeko were both too surprised to talk! After the giant finished their snacks they said, “Because you showed us kindness, we shall be doubly kind to you.” They stepped aside and pointed up the mountain. “Beyond lies the Forest of Fears,” said the giant. “To pass through, you must face your greatest fear. That will guide you to the Ghost Crystal.” “I fear nothing,” said Strongo. “All men have fears,” said the giant before disappearing into the mist. “Especially me!” said Weeko. His teeth chattered loudly. *** “The final challenge,” said Beautia. “The Forest of Fears.” All the trees had scary faces on them and branches like claws. “Let me know how it goes!” said Weeko. He tried to walk away but Strongo grabbed him by the collar. “We’re all going in,” said Strongo. “But our greatest fears are in there!” Weeko whined. “Not mine,” said Strongo. He walked forward into the mist. Beautia and Weeko followed, but they couldn’t find him! Then they realized: they couldn’t even find each other! “Strongo, where are you?” called Weeko. He was so scared, he even wished Beautia were there! Then a shadow appeared in the mist. “Strongo! Thank goodness!” said Weeko. The shadow got bigger. “Strongo, you’re s-scaring me!” said Weeko. His teeth started to chatter again. The shadow had red glowing eyes. Weeko screamed and ran. *** “Strongo?” Beautia called. “Strongo?” She couldn’t see anything in this fog! Then a shadow appeared in the mist. It was too small to be Strongo. “Weeko is that you?” asked Beautia. Princess Shwinga stepped out of the mist. “Princess, what are you doing here?” asked Beautia. “I’m here to marry Strongo,” said the Princess. “Strongo would never marry you,” said Beautia. “You’re not pretty enough!” “Look again,” said the princess. Suddenly Beautia realized the princess was a hundred times as beautiful as before! She was even more beautiful than Beautia! “Nooooooo!” Beautia cried. Princess Shwinga laughed evilly. “See you at the wedding,” said the princess. She started to walk away. Beautia curled up on the ground and started to cry out of her blue eye. Her worst fear was coming true! Then she remembered the giant’s words. “Time to face my fear,” said Beautia. She got up and followed the sound of evil laughter into the mist. *** As soon as Strongo stepped into the forest, the mist cleared. He could see Weeko and Beautia the whole time, but they were acting strange. “What are you two doing?” he asked. But they didn’t act like they could see or hear him! Suddenly, Weeko screamed for no reason and ran away down the mountain! Strongo was about to follow when he saw Beautia crying on the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked Strongo. He tried to comfort her, but she still couldn’t see or hear him! “I’m right here!” he shouted. Beautia got up and started walking up the mountain. “Where are you going?” said Strongo. “Stop!” He tried to grab her, but his hand went right through her like mist! Beautia kept walking further into the forest until he couldn’t see her. That was when Strongo realized he did fear something after all: he was afraid of losing Beautia! “Wait for me!” said Strongo. *** Beautia stepped out of the misty forest and found herself at the very top of the mountain. She was surprised to see Strongo next to her. “Strongo, where did you come from?” she asked. “I’ve been by your side the whole time!” said Strongo. “Where’s Weeko?” asked Beautia. “He’ll be fine,” said Strongo. “He ran back down the mountain.” Beautia looked around. “Where’s the Ghost Crystal?” she asked. Suddenly a huge ghost appeared! It was the ghost of a giant woman covered in sparkling gems. “I am the guardian spirit of Mount Terror. You have both faced your fears and proven yourselves worthy of the Ghost Crystal,” said the Guardian Spirit. She held out her hand and a green crystal appeared in a flash of light. Beautia took it from her. “Thank you,” said Beautia. “Remember the lessons you’ve learned on the mountain,” said the Guardian Spirit. She smiled and faded away into nothing. “We’d better go get Weeko before he runs right down into the boiling lake,” said Strongo. *** Three days later, they were back at the palace. “Did you get the Ghost Crystal?” asked Princess Shwinga. She looked very tired. “Here it is,” said Strongo. “How do we use it to fight the ghosts?” asked Weeko. “Give it to me,” said the wise woman. “Only I know how to use its magic.” The wise woman snatched the green crystal out of Strongo’s hands. “Please hurry,” said the princess. “I haven’t slept for six days!” “Ha ha ha!” laughed the wise woman. “You fool! You’ll never sleep again!” “I recognize that laugh!” said Strongo. The wise woman threw off her disguise. “The Bad Wizard!” yelled everyone together. “That’s right!” said the Bad Wizard. “I tricked you, and now that I have the power of the Ghost Crystal, no one can stop me!” “Oh yeah?” Strongo jumped at the Bad Wizard. The Bad Wizard pointed the Ghost Crystal at Strongo and said a magic word. Suddenly Strongo was a ghost! Ghost Strongo tried to slash the Bad Wizard with his sword, but it just went through him! “Guards, seize him!” yelled Princess Shwinga. The Bad Wizard only laughed and turned the guards into ghosts, too. Their spears just passed through him. “How will we stop him when he can turn anyone he wants into a ghost?” asked Beautia. “Ha ha ha!” laughed the Bad Wizard. “That’s not all this crystal can do!” The Bad Wizard said another magic word and the crystal started to shake. It floated up into the air. “I don’t like the looks of this!” said Weeko. Suddenly hundreds of evil ghosts poured out of the crystal! Weeko, Beautia and Shwinga were surrounded! “With my ghost army, I shall conquer the world!” said the Bad Wizard. “How can we fight them?” asked Weeko. Beautia remembered the words of the Guardian Spirit reminding her to remember the lessons of the mountain. “We can’t fight them,” said Beautia. “We have to try a different way.” “You can’t be serious!” said Weeko. “The only way to tame a restless ghost is through kindness,” said Beautia. She walked up to the closest ghost and gave it a big hug. The ghost stopped being evil and turned nice. “Thank you,” said the ghost. He turned and hugged the ghost next to him. That ghost turned nice also! Weeko and Shwinga both rubbed their eyes. They couldn’t believe it! “Start hugging ghosts!” yelled Beautia. Weeko and Shwinga started hugging every ghost they could reach. Each ghost they hugged turned nice and started hugging more ghosts. “What are you doing?” screamed the Bad Wizard. “You’re ruining my evil army! Stop! Stop!” The Bad Wizard turned Beautia, Weeko and Shwinga into ghosts, but even that didn’t stop them from hugging! “Curse you!” yelled the Bad Wizard. “And curse this useless crystal!” In a fit of rage, the Bad Wizard smashed the Ghost Crystal on the floor. The army of ghosts vanished instantly in a puff of smoke. Strongo and the others who’d been turned into ghosts were suddenly human again! “Uh oh,” said the Bad Wizard. “Now you die for real!” yelled Strongo. Before Strongo could cut off his head, the Bad Wizard snatched one of the crystal shards of the ground and turned himself into a ghost! Strongo’s attack just passed through the Bad Wizard. “Not again!” said Strongo. “Now to destroy you!” said the Bad Wizard. The Bad Wizard tried to pick up the shard of the Ghost Crystal, but his hand just went through it. “Curses! I’ll get you for this, Strongo! If it’s the last thing I do!” yelled the Bad Wizard. “You’ll have to figure out how to turn yourself back from being a ghost, first,” said Beautia. The Bad Wizard screamed with rage and flew away out the window. “Now that the Bad Wizard is a ghost, do you think we can turn him good by giving him a hug?” asked Beautia. “I don’t think there’s a ghost of a chance,” said Shwinga. Everybody in the palace laughed, even the ghosts. The End
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Mar 17, 2020 20:40
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Also introducing a new serialized adventure: CAPTAIN TALON vs. THE PLANT MONSTERS Chapter 1: Planetary Mystery Captain Drake Talon stood on the bridge of his spaceship, the Fearless. Talon was a tallish, muscular man who obviously worked out. He had piercing amber colored eyes that gave the appearance of looking into one’s soul. He took a swig of whiskey from the bottle he held at his side and scratched his stubbly beard with his other hand. He was a mercenary. He didn’t like strange things he couldn’t understand. That’s why he came to outer space. He was looking for somewhere simple, empty. That’s why he didn’t like what he saw out the window of his ship. It was a planet, but not like an ordinary planet. This one was pure green. “Scanner, give me a status report.” He barked at his science officer. The science officer’s real name was Zack Jefferson, but everyone called him “Scanner” because he worked the scanner systems. He was always wearing sunglasses and a long t-shirt with videogames on them. “I say we fight it!” said Flame. His real name was Jim Blaster, but everyone called him “Flame” because of his fiery temper and his flaming red hair. He was the ship’s strongest fighter and second best pilot after Talon. “You always say that,” joked Chuckles. Chuckles was a real comedian named Buster Bean who’d joined the mercenaries when his sister was kidnapped by Dark Lord Gerald in the middle of one of his shows. Talon helped him get her back. She was standing next to them now. She was dressed conservatively in a tank top that didn’t show much of her large boobs and pants that weren’t very tight, but instead just barely showed her legs’ shape. Her name was Lima. Her hair had blue streaks. The streaks weren’t dye; it was a special microcomputer that could be woven into hair. The computer is what gave her her telekinetic powers. Lima lifted a teacup to her lips with her mind. She smiled. “I’m not sensing anything with my mind powers” she said. “So that rules out psychic energy,” said Talon, frowning at the green planet ahead of them “So what could make a planet completely green?” “Scans are showing 100% plantlife,” said Scanner. “Well, that explains it,” said Sureshot. Sureshot was Black. He had a sniper rifle slung across his back that he carried everywhere, even to bed. “It doesn’t explain how we could run into an uncharted planet in the middle of a charted system like this!” said Talon, pointing at the navigation computer. The words “Uncharted Planet!” flashed on the screen, but the other planets orbiting the star were known. This planet had just come out of nowhere! No wonder Talon’s Dogs had been hired by the Galactic Order Government to investigate. “Selena, could you have an error in your system?” Talon asked. The images of the uncharted planet vanished from the computer monitors and were replaced by the angry face of a young girl. “My systems are perfect as always!” she huffed. Selena was the name of the girl who lived inside the computer. She was what was called an Avatar, the name given to computer personalities. She was modeled after a supermodel on Earth. The image zoomed out from her face to reveal that she was wearing a bikini. Numbers danced around her fingertips as she manipulated pure math, trying to figure out how the planet could have gone uncharted for so long when there were also two city planets in the same star system. “I’m stumped!” said Selena. “According to my calculations, this planet is impossible!” “So what do we do now?” asked Sureshot. “Isn’t it obvious?” said Talon. “We go down there and find out!” said Flame. To Be Continued...
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Mar 17, 2020 20:42
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Awfully Weird Tales is also looking for illustrations by the way!
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Mar 17, 2020 20:48
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Princess Shwinga is sort of the Cheryll Blossom to Weeko and Beautia’s Betty & Veronica.
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Mar 17, 2020 22:07
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Lil’ Beepy better be ok!
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Mar 17, 2020 22:44
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SilvergunSuperman posted:I'm glad you were unable to profit off that strongo trash, it wouldn't have been surprising. The real profits are the joy my stories bring to others.
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Mar 18, 2020 02:50
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Chills. I felt like I was really there! But what would make nightstriders come out in the daytime?
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Mar 19, 2020 04:41
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BoldFrankensteinMir posted:Thanks! It was fun to write. No, commentary on the stories is encouraged! Also, considering I just participated in a jovial boardgame night with the Thunderdome crew, I feel I should speak up in their defense. TDers are actually really nice and love to chat, they just insist on keeping discussion out of the thread proper because superfluous posts make it difficult to track and archive the stories. Like most goons, they enjoy razzing newcomers but are nice once you get to know them.
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Mar 19, 2020 11:51
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super sweet best pal posted:You're in luck, I'd just started getting back into writing. I'll bang something out in a couple days. I look forward to it!
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Mar 19, 2020 11:58
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Holy poo poo! I didn’t see any of those twists coming!
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Mar 19, 2020 14:45
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By popular demand posted:Just read half of Strongo and the haunted princess to my niece* so my sister can have some sanity time and she loves it. That's the highest praise an author can receive.
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Mar 19, 2020 20:28
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A Fancy Hat posted:The Unfaithful Husband A wholesome story like this really warms my heart.
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Mar 20, 2020 01:28
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reignofevil posted:LIL BEEPY PART 2 Dun dun DUNNNN!
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Mar 20, 2020 01:35
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reignofevil posted:So to all of our readers I must make a very official update to the lil beepy publishing schedule, it has come to my realization that in order to provide the quality lil beepy story and art that everyone has come to expect that I can only realistically get these out every other day. That will give me one day to plan and draw and one day to finish drawing and write, which I think will ultimately ensure that we see this fantastic story all the way through. This means that unfortunately part three should not be considered "on the docket" for today barring significant changes to my current immediate schedule. Thanks to everyone for their understanding in this troubling time. I look forward to it! There's more Strongo on the way, too.
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Mar 21, 2020 00:11
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I don't trust Li'l Beepy's self-proclaimed "benefactors."
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Mar 22, 2020 21:20
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The Man Who Hated Books and the End of the World Jack Crumbles emerged from the fallout shelter and looked out at the destroyed city. "Hello?" Jack called. "Is anyone there?" His calls just echoed through the empty, burned out streets. Above him, the sky burned orange with the smoke and flames of the ruined city. Jack coughed in the thick fumes that hung in the air like a miasma. Nobody knew where the invaders came from or what they wanted, but they had struck like lightning and obliterated mankind in a matter of days. Jack, a professional fallout shelter inspector for the past fifty years, had been down performing an inspection when the aliens had attacked. He'd barely managed to seal the doors in time. Now he had emerged to discover he was utterly alone. Jack wandered the streets for hours, searching for any sign on survivors, but to no avail. "Is it possible?" wondered Jack. "Could I be the last man left on Earth?" The thought made Jack feel almost giddy. For years Jack had hated books. He hated all kinds of books. Fantasy, poetry, romance, art, history, textbooks, fiction, nonfiction, he hated them all. He especially hated the thousand page fallout shelter manuals he was forced to read for his job. "Finally, I'll never have to read another book for as long as I live!" Jack exclaimed triumphantly. A sudden noise of shifting rubble made Jack turn. A survivor? Were there other humans in this blasted city after all? Jack peered apprehensively around the corner and prayed the survivors weren't carrying any books. A tall figure in a purple uniform was marching down the empty street, a curious sort of laser rifle held at the ready. Its head was a strange, flat square that Jack couldn't quite make out. It was one of the invaders! Jack tried to flee, but tripped over a tin can and went sprawling. "Halt, human!" The invader leveled its gun at Jack. "Please, don't shoot! Mercy!" Jack pleaded. The invader approached and for the first time Jack got a good look at the monster's head: it was a book! "Your head is a book?" Jack's confusion briefly overwhelmed his terror. "That's right, human, our heads are books," said the invader. "We are Bookulonians from the Literature galaxy. We roam the universe searching for literate races to enslave and force to read from us!" "Nooo!" Jack cried. "You are now our prisoner. You will spend the remaining cycles of your life reading to us aloud from the words printed on our heads!" declared the invader. "It's not fair!" cried Jack as the alien bolted unbreakable reading glasses to his skull. "It's not fair!" The alien's pages ruffled with satisfaction in the burning wind.  The End
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Mar 23, 2020 05:46
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The Mummy's Terrible Curse "The inscription says 'do not wake the mummy, lest you feel the wrath of his terrible curse," Prof. Forscythe read aloud from the hieroglyphs carved on the wall of the tomb. "A load of rubbish, wot wot," chuckled Prof. Bingsley. The two archaeologists from the British museum jammed their crowbars into the seam of the sarcophagus lid and pried it roughly open. The heavy stone lid crashed to the floor. "Behold, the mummified remains of Khablesh the Fourth!" declared Forscythe. Suddenly, the walls of the tomb began to shake. Dust fell from the ceiling as the two archaeologists struggled to keep their footing. A terrible wail pierced the air! "Aiiieeeeeeee!" The mummy raised its arms and sat up in its sarcophagus. "The mummy lives!" Bingsley screamed. Slowly, creakingly, the mummy turned its rotted, desiccated head to face the two archaeologists. The horror opened its mouth and in a croaking voice said, "gently caress off you cunts!" "The mummy's curse!" cried the archaeologists, covering their tender ears.
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Mar 23, 2020 17:54
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A chilling tale all the more terrifying for its plausibility.
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Mar 23, 2020 18:40
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The Mystery of the Secret Puzzle "This secret puzzle sure is a mystery!" said Skip. "Indeed," agreed Popper. "The box says the puzzle is guaranteed to be unsolvable or your money back," said Skip. "It seems pretty easy to me," said Popper. "I think I'm only one move away from solving it. Looks like we'll get our money back." Suddenly an axe murderer appeared! "I'm the axe murderer who created that puzzle!" he bellowed. "The reason nobody has ever solved that puzzle is because I kill anyone who tries!" Skip and Popper barely had time to scream before the axe fell. THE END (?)
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Mar 23, 2020 18:45
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The Man Who Was Too Good At Video Games "I've done it, I'm finally videogames world champion!" said Billy Brumbles. Billy had spent eighty years mastering every videogame ever made. He had the world record high score in every game and his walls were covered in shining trophies. "I can finally die in peace," said Billy as he closed his eyes for the last time. "I wonder if they'll erect a monument to honor me." It was only too late Billy realized he'd never gotten laid and would die a virgin. "Oh shi—" Billy died the next instant. They buried him in an unmarked grave. The End
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Mar 23, 2020 21:06
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Mooey Cow posted:The Bloody Day 
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Mar 23, 2020 21:52
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The Paradise of Evil "Boy, I sure love living in our futuristic society," said Greg. "My favorite part is how there's no more war, hunger or poverty," Tim agreed. Tim and Greg rode their tandem hovercycle to the sexatorium to have consequence-free sex with the most beautiful men and women in the world. When they were done, the pair toweled off and hit the spa. "Ever since they passed the law that gave everyone unlimited money, things have been really great," said Greg as he enjoyed a relaxing massage. "Truly it is a paradise," said Tim, who was partaking of recreational drugs. Just then, the ruby at the top of the Spire of Enlightenment began to glow. "Oh dear, the Hour of the Worm has come," said Greg. "This is the price we pay for our life of plenty," sighed Tim. Tim and Greg screamed as the millions of parasitic worm eggs beneath their skin started to hatch. THE END (Paid for by the Committee to Elect Bernie Sanders for President)
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Mar 24, 2020 04:16
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A Fancy Hat posted:In a Final Analysis I am enjoying all of your stories immensely (both here and in the Dwight Pranks thread).
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Mar 24, 2020 04:26
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A Sound of Blunder 
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Mar 24, 2020 16:15
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Jack Chinaman, Private Eye "'Chinaman' is an offensive term," said Mugsy. "Look, for the hundredth time, 'Chinaman' is my actual surname. I didn't choose it!" Jack argued. "But you could get it legally changed," Mugsy replied. "That costs money. Besides, I shouldn't have to change my own name," said Jack. "Well regardless, we're going to have to de-monetize your YouTube Channel," said Mugsy. "That's my livelihood!" Jack cried. "You can't do this to me!" "Sorry," said Mugsy. "YouTube's terms of use clearly prohibit racist or offensive content and 'Chinaman' is on our list of prohibited terms." "The Jews got to you, didn't they?" Jack narrowed his eyes at the phone receiver. "Excuse me?" Mugsy was aghast. Jack started to get flustered. Mugsy had led him right into a trap! "Look, I'm not saying all Jews are bad, but you have to admit they—" "Sorry, sir, I can't help you. Have a nice day." The line went dead. Jack took a long drag from his cigarette and stared out the window at the rain. He knew the Case of the Global Conspiracy was going to be a hard one to crack, but he never knew it would be this hard. The End (?)
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Mar 24, 2020 16:39
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Maybe she heard him. Maybe she listened! 
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Mar 24, 2020 18:01
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The Ghost That Hated Everyone "If you're reading this, it's too late. The ghost that hates everyone is behind you right now!" Johnny D. Walking read from the fortune cookie he'd just cracked open. Johnny began to sweat. Was it true? Was the ghost that hates everyone behind him at that very moment? "Mine says 'good fortune comes to you on this day,'" Smelinda, Johnny's girlfriend read aloud from her fortune. "What does yours say?" Johnny didn't answer. He could feel the gaze of the ghost that hates everyone on the back of his neck. "Johnny, what's wrong?" asked Smelinda. "You look like you've seen a ghost." He tried to play it cool. His heart was pounding in his chest like a jackhammer. "I-it's nothing," Johnny lied. He looked at Smelinda's eyes looking at him. Surely if the ghost were really behind him, she'd see it and freak out, right? Unless... Johnny's mind raced. Unless Smelinda was in league with the ghost. Johnny touched the steak knife on his plate with the tip of his finger, reassuring himself that it was still within reach. "It's cool that this steak place serves fortune cookies, don't you think?" asked Smelinda. She was still looking at him, though now the slightest bit of anxiety had crept into her expression. Did she know he was onto her? "Smelinda..." Johnny paused to moisten his lips, "is there a ghost behind me?" "A ghost?" Smelinda scoffed. "What do you mean, a ghost?" "Don't gently caress with me, Smelinda, you know what I mean by 'ghost!' Is there one behind me right now?" Johnny pounded his fist on the table, causing the silverware to clatter loudly. All conversation in the steakhouse stopped. Everyone was looking at him. None of them reacted with the horror Johnny would have expected from the sight of a grim specter. They couldn't all be in cahoots. Could they? No. No, that was insane. Maybe only he could see the ghost. His right hand curled unconsciously around the handle of the knife. "Johnny what the hell is wrong with you?" Smelinda hissed. "You're embarrassing me!" "S-sorry it's just..." Johnny wiped his forehead with his napkin. "My fortune cookie just freaked me out is all." Smelinda looked at him with consternation, but her frustration melted when she saw the sincere distress on Johnny's face. "What could a fortune cookie say that would get you so worked up?" Smelinda snatched up the fortune slip. Johnny reached out to stop her, but it was too late. He watched her lips move as she read the fortune to herself. "'The ghost that hates everyone?'" Smelinda looked at Johnny, confused. "What the hell does that—" Smelinda's next syllable was drowned out by a choking, wet gurgle as blood spilled from her slack lips. Her throat had been slashed. From behind Smelinda's still jerking body rose a horrific, glowing, green ghost! "I'm the ghost that hates everyone!" it screeched at the top of its lungs. Johnny went white with fear. "W-why didn't you kill me?" Johnny stammered. "I'm the ghost that hates everyone, not the ghost that kills everyone," said the ghost. "But then, why did you kill Smelinda?" asked Johnny. "I didn't," replied the ghost. "You did!" Johnny looked down at his right hand. He was still holding the steak knife! And it was covered in blood! He must have slashed her throat by accident while reaching out to grab the fortune from her! Flashing red lights from outside brought Johnny back to reality. "That's him, officers!" said the waiter. "I watched him slash the girl's throat!" "No, it was the ghost that hates everyone I tell you!" screamed Johnny as they dragged him away. "The ghost that hates everyone!" Invisible to everyone but Johnny, the ghost smiled in satisfaction and drifted back into the kitchen to wait for its next victim. The End
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Mar 25, 2020 04:56
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 AstroNOT What He Seems… “Did you notice how Jefferson hasn’t taken his spacesuit off ever since we found that weird, egg-shaped meteor the other day?” asked Brent. Shelly hadn’t noticed, but now that Brent mentioned it, she realized it was true. “You’re right, that is strange.” Shelly chewed thoughtfully on a piece of space toast. It was day fifty seven in orbit for the three-astronaut team on the International Space Station. Six days since the crew discovered a strange, egg-shaped meteor embedded in the side of Module B. “We’re lucky it didn’t punch right through the hull,” Jefferson had said. Jefferson took the meteor to the lab for some tests. When he emerged, he was wearing a full spacesuit and hadn’t taken it off since. “He also hasn’t said a single word in six days, did you notice that?” said Brent. Shelly realized it was true. “Hey, Jefferson, why don’t you take that helmet off and join us for some dinner?” Brent proffered a pouch of strained sweet potatoes. Jefferson waved the pouch away and went back to sitting quietly. Shelly followed Jefferson around the station for the rest of the day. Never once did she see him take off his suit or utter a single word. She did, however, become aware of a strange sucking, slurping sound coming from Jefferson’s helmet. “What could be making that noise?” wondered Shelly. Shelly observed Jefferson for the next several days. He refused to doff his spacesuit and refused all food or drink offered to him by either Shelly or Brent. The only sounds he ever made were the ever present slurping sounds coming from inside his helmet. Three times a day, Jefferson would sequester himself in the biolab module and seal the door from the inside. He’d placed a sign on the door that read “Do not enter under any circumstances, delicate experiments in progress.” “I think something is wrong with Jefferson,” Shelly told Brent after a full week of observation. “I’ve been consulting WebMD,” said Brent. “Jefferson is exhibiting all the classic signs of space madness.” “What do we do?” asked Shelly. “I recommend contacting mission control and apprising them of the situation,” suggested Brent. “They can give us further guidance.” “Good idea, I’ll do that first thing tomorrow,” said Shelly. Neither of them saw Jefferson’s helmet peering around the corner, the mirrored face silently reflecting the pair as they conspired. Inside the helmet, something slurped quietly. *** The next morning, Shelly floated down the tunnel toward the comms module to check in with mission control. There was just one problem: the comms module wasn’t there anymore! “What?” Shelly pressed her face to the porthole. She spotted the comms module about three hundred meters away, turning slowly as it drifted further and further from the ISS. Every few seconds something shiny on the hull glinted as it caught the sun. “No!” Shelly screamed. “Nooooo!” *** The mood in the dining module was dire. “Who gave the command to jettison the comms module?” asked Shelly. “I think we both know who,” said Brent. Both of them looked over at Jefferson. The mirrored face of Jefferson’s helmet just reflected their own stares back at them. “Without comms, there’s no way to call for help,” said Brent. “When’s the next supply rocket?” asked Shelly. “Fifteen days,” said Brent. “But it’s an automated rocket. There won’t be anybody onboard to ask for help.” “So we’re stuck up here,” said Shelly. “There’s always the escape pod,” observed Brent. “Yes,” said Shelly. Jefferson just sat there, softly slurping. *** The next day the escape pod had been jettisoned. “It’s like someone is trying to isolate us,” said Shelly. “Could it be someone on this station is working against us?” “There’s only three of us and I know it wasn’t me!” said Brent. “And I know it wasn’t me!” said Shelly. Both of them looked at Jefferson, who just sat there in his spacesuit, slurping away. “Enough of this!” Brent launched himself across the room at Jefferson. They collided in midair and went tumbling away. “I know it was you!” Brent shouted, pounding at the helmet’s faceplate. “Back off, Brent!” Shelly wrestled the two apart. “We can’t turn on each other like this!” Brent and Jefferson floated to opposite ends of the module. “Those modules could have been jettisoned due to a systems malfunction,” said Shelly. “Brent, run a full systems diagnostic on the computer. I’ll check the couplings on the rest of the modules. We can’t risk the whole station coming apart.” “A malfunction. Sure. It might have been that,” said Brent. Jefferson only floated there and slurped. *** The systems diagnostics didn’t turn up any errors. Shelly double and triple checked the couplings before taking all the keys and locking them in her locker. That night, Shelly his outside the biolab and waited for Jefferson to do his routine visit. “I bet whatever’s going on in there has something to do with what’s going on out here,” Shelly thought to herself. Right on schedule, Jefferson came floating around the corner. The moment he’d finished inputting the code on the biolab door, Shelly launched herself at him in a flying tackle. “Oof!” Jefferson grunted as Shelly slammed into him with the full force of her hundred and forty pounds of mass. The pair of them sailed backward into the biolab, crashing through a hydroponics experiment and slamming against a large, glass tube. Jefferson pushed her off of him and struggled to crawl away, Shelly found herself spinning through a galaxy of water droplets that had been released when the hydroponics had been smashed. The droplets splashed against her eyes, blinding her. “There goes our fresh fruit and vegetables for the year,” she thought. Shelly caught and steadied herself. When she’d blinked her vision clear again, she realized what had been in the glass tube they’d struck. The meteor! Only it didn’t look like an egg any more. It looked like… a hatched egg! “What’s going on here, Jefferson, what’s with that meteor?” Shelly demanded. She let one hand slip behind her back and unclip the monkey wrench she’d concealed there. Jefferson didn’t reply, instead he threw himself at her. But shelly was ready. With one powerful swing, she bashed Jefferson across the front of his helmet with the wrench! There was an explosion of glass shards. Jefferson went careening off into the corner. Something stung Shelly’s cheek. She raised a hand to her face and drew away a fingertip smeared with blood. Jefferson’s panicked, pale face looked out through the shattered opening of the helmet. Shards of glass spun and twinkled in the air around him. “Shelly! I was wearing that spacesuit to protect myself from getting infected by the alien parasite that’s infected both you and Brent!” cried Jefferson. “Now you’ve doomed us all!” “I’m not infected by an alien parasite!” objected Shelly. “No, but I am,” said Brent, leveling a harpoon gun at Jefferson. “That harpoon gun is for emergencies only!” chastened Shelly. “I am an emergency.” Brent fired. The harpoon impaled Jefferson, pinning him to the wall and filling the air with floating globs of blood. Shelly roared with frustration. “You just killed my prey!” she hissed. Her mouth opened wide as a bouquet of hideous, squirming tentacles began to emerge from her throat. “B-but I thought I was the parasite!” stammered Brent. “Brent…” groaned Jefferson, clutching the harpoon jammed between his ribs. “You’re just suffering from space madness that made you believe you were the parasite…” Brent’s eyes opened wide with realization just as Shelly leaped at his throat… *** Back on Earth, Mission Control watched the grisly scene unfold on the monitors. “Homicidal paranoia gas, zero-g test: successful,” announced the lead scientist. Shelly continued to tear Brent's throat out with her teeth as the control room applauded. THE END
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Mar 26, 2020 03:39
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The Devil's in the Details Billingsby greeted Pufferbone at the door of his mansion. "Thanks for coming to see the new painting I've acquired, Pufferbone," said Billingsby. "Don't mention it, wot," said Pufferbone. "I enjoy slumming it in a modest home such as this. Reminds me how the other half lives." Billingsby held his smile, even though his chest was filling with rage. drat that Pufferbone! drat him! Billingsby's smile became easy again. drat him indeed... "Well are you just going to stand there grinning like a loon, or are you going to show me this new painting you've been crowing about?" huffed Pufferbone. "Of course, of course! Come this way!" Billingsby lead Pufferbone to the gallery where he'd displayed his latest acquisition. Even before he'd fully entered the room, Pufferbone was struck by the painting's magnificence. "By Jove!" Pufferbone exclaimed. "It's exquisite!" The painting depicted an idyllic countryside scene the likes of which had not existed outside man's most romantic dreams. Horses gamboled on the fields while warm breezes caressed flowering trees. In the distance, a proud castle stood guard over a sleepy village. Colorful pennants on the castle spires snapped in the wind. "Please, take a closer look," said Billingsby. Pufferbone stepped forward. "Remarkable! Such attention to detail!" said Pufferbone. "This grass! It's as if the artist painted each blade!" "Look closer," urged Billingsby. Pufferbone examined one of the painted houses closely. Though the house was no bigger than a matchbox on the canvas, Pufferbone saw that the house's interior was visible through the tiny window. "Impossible! How could the artist find a brush so fine, much less manipulate it with such deft skill?" Pufferbone said in awe. "Look closer!" Billingsby's voice was tight with suppressed glee. Pufferbone fixed his monocle to his eye and looked even closer. His nose was practically touching the canvas. "Why, the lord of the castle has laid out a feast! I can practically smell the food on the table!" exclaimed Pufferbone. "I can see the fruit! I could count every plum! It's—" Pufferbone suddenly stopped. "What is it?" Billingsby asked eagerly. "What do you see?" "There's... I thought I saw something move! It hid behind one of the chalices," said Pufferbone. "Merely an illusion," said Billingsby. "Look again. Look closer!" Pufferbone, visibly shaken, reaffixed his monocle and resumed viewing. This time there was no mistake, there was a little man! "I see the man again," said Pufferbone. "He's all dressed in red, with a black cape, a pitchfork and... God save me! It's the Devil!" The tiny devil laughed and capered on the table. "The Devil! The Devil" cried Pufferbone. He tried to look away, but when he turned around, Billingsby and the gallery were gone! He was looking out through the castle window at the painted countryside! Pufferbone's monocle dropped out of his eye in terror. Through the clouds, taller than the tallest mountain, Billingsby loomed in the sky, laughing. "Welcome to Hell!" cackled the tiny Devil capering on the table. "Noooooo!" Pufferbone screamed. Billingsby laughed as he tore the painting from the wall and tossed it into the fireplace. He thought he could just make out the high pitched squeal of tiny screams. "Farewell forever, Pufferbone!" laughed Billingsby. The End
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Mar 26, 2020 15:56
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The Evil Car "Don't drive that car, young man, it's evil!" said the old man. "I'm already driving it," said Penis Jackson. "gently caress off, you old fart!" "You'll be sorry!" said the old man. Penis Jackson laughed. He didn't care what an old man had to say. He sped off to see his girl, nearly running over a pedestrian as he careened through the streets. "Hey, bitch!" Penis Jackson waved at his girlfriend. "Tee hee, I love it when you call me 'bitch,'" giggled Henrietta VonCraps She hopped over the door into the passenger seat (the car was a convertible, also it was red). "Let's go to Makeout Point!" said Penis Jackson. "Normally I wouldn't, but something about this car it tempting me to sin!" laughed Henrietta. Penis Jackson sped all the way up to Makeout Point, taking the turns on the cliffside road way too fast. "Woah, slow down, Penis," cautioned Henrietta. "I don't care about safety, this car makes me feel invincible!" Penis smirked. They screeched to a halt just on the edge of the cliff the youngsters called "Makeout Point." "Now let's have premarital sex," said Penis. Henrietta was usually a good girl, but something was clouding her judgement. Something about Penis's car. No sooner did the pair start to have sex when the Devil appeared in a flash of smoke and brimstone! "Haha!" laughed the Devil. "My evil car has done its work tempting the pair of you into sin!" "Oh no!" cried the bawdy teens. Chains of red hot iron shot from the Devil's fingertips and bound the pair, winding like serpents around their tender flesh. The Devil licked his lips. "Your suffering will be exquisite!" he declared. The Devil took a wad of bills from his pocket and stuffed it in the car's glovebox. "Here's your cut, as agreed," said the Devil. Then, with a laugh, Old Scratch snapped his clawed fingers and opened a fiery fissure in the earth. He disappeared down into the depths, dragging Penis Jackson and Henrietta VonCraps screaming down behind him. The fissure snapped shut with a puff of smoke and the evil car was left alone, waiting for its next victim. THE END
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Mar 26, 2020 17:23
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Looking for inspiration for your story? Maybe write a story inspired by this fantastical picture!
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Mar 26, 2020 17:48
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EVERY TIME GOING posted:Banshee and Baroness I keep coming back to this one. The idea of a cat burglar who's gimmick is having tourettes is hilarious.
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Mar 26, 2020 18:00
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The Hubris of Science After weeks of painstaking work, Billy Jingle's science fair project was ready. "I have labored tirelessly to create the most realistic paper mache volcano imaginable," said Billy. "Billy, aren't you worried this volcano is too realistic?" asked his classmate, Sally. Sally's project was about what happened if you put a white flower in a vase with food coloring. "I am pushing the boundaries of what was previously believed to be possible. This is the purpose of science!" declared Billy. Billy waited impatiently for the judges to make their way up the aisle to his experiment. He could practically taste the blue ribbon. Finally, it was Billy's turn. "Behold! The most realistic science fair volcano ever made!" declared Billy. "It's perfect in every detail!" "Impossible," said the judges. "There must be some flaw." "There are no flaws," said Billy, proudly. The judges examined the volcano as closely as possible. They discovered to their horror that it was true, the model was completely perfect and accurate. "Billy, what have you done?" cried the judges. "By forgetting to include a flaw to remind us of the perfection of God, you have incurred the wrath of Allah!" At that moment, a bolt of lightning blasted through the roof of the school gym and struck Billy's volcano. The volcano began to grow in size, taking root in the ground. Trickles of fizzy baking soda transformed into rivers of red hot magma. "Allah have mercy!" cried the judges. Children and teachers fled the gymnasium, just inches ahead of the spreading pool of boiling lava. Billy could only scream as he was burned alive by his own science experiment, his charred bones entombed forever in molten stone. The volcano grew and grew until first the entire school and then the surrounding town was destroyed. Thick clouds of choking ash blackened the sky for miles around, and all who looked upon it knew the glory and the wrath of Allah. In the end, Sally was awarded the blue ribbon for her experiment. The End (Praise Allah)
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Mar 28, 2020 15:13
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Mar 28, 2020 15:37
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The Evil Doll "Janet, honey! Look what I bought at the flea market!" said Geoffrey Gimbles. "It only cost six dollars and sixty six cents!" Geoffrey showed the creepy doll to his wife. The horrible thing was dressed in a moth-eaten black Victorian-style dress trimmed with yellowed lace. Its porcelain cheeks were cracked. Its expression resembled a twisted leer. "Are you crazy? That doll is obviously evil!" yelled Janet. "Get it out of here!" "Wait!—" Geoffrey barely had time to respond before Janet had snatched the doll from his hands and thrown it in the trash. She stomped it down, shattering the doll's porcelain head and crushing its body until it was unrecognizable. Geoffrey looked on in horror as Janet jumped up and down on the trash. His life had been a living hell ever since he'd unwisely decided to marry a possessed doll. "Stop bringing home these weird dolls!" Janet huffed. "I keep telling you I'm not interested in a threesome!" Geoffrey wept knowing his living nightmare would never end. The End
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Mar 28, 2020 19:09
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Things are looking up for Li'l Beepy!
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Mar 29, 2020 02:07
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The Invisible Clam "Behold, Johnson, the world's first working invisibility potion!" declared professor Buttpants. As he was holding the potion aloft, the professor suddenly sneezed! "Oh, drat!" the professor and Johnson both tried to catch the potion, but the bottle ended up falling out the window into the sea. The bottle disappeared beneath the waves, never to be seen by mankind again. The invisibility potion drifted down until it settled on the seafloor and spilled on a clam. The clam immediately turned completely invisible. Because of its superior camouflage, the clam was able to successfully reproduce and preferentially passed on its genes to future generations. Ten thousand years later, the world was conquered by an unstoppable super-race of invisible clam monsters. The End
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Mar 30, 2020 03:55
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SniperWoreConverse posted:is weird tales even real? It's as real as you imagine it to be!
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Mar 30, 2020 14:30
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| # ¿ Apr 25, 2024 06:53 |
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Friends for Li’l Beepy!
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Mar 31, 2020 16:57
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