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FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


What's going on with these movies? Why didn't Snape ever tell harry he was friends with his mom? They could have gotten along better. Are there motorcycle gangs but with brooms? Who is Dobby? Why isn't Voldemort ever depicted having fun with dark magic or any human qualities outside of childhood? Does he poop and eat food and take a vacation on a muggle beach? Are there secret wizard beaches? What does the ministry do to keep us muggles in line? Do wizards have medicine for gout? Why wasn't there any science or techno wizard who looked like max headroom? Like with a
magic computer or synthesizer. Why does the snake have strings coming out of its head at the end of chamber of secrets?

AND

What are your favorite parts of prisoner of azkaban

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FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


Exhibit B:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUoS58emWF4

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Snape was pissed because Harry's mom never even gave him a pity gently caress tbh

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Yes there are motorcycle gangs but with brooms which is a real misstep imo because basically the first part of the first book establishes that Hagrid has a magic flying motorcycle so really there should be motorcycle gangs but with motorcycles.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Dobby is a "house elf". These are basically slaves who love being slaves and will actively seek to prevent you from liberating them from their position (you do this by giving them clothes to wear).

In one scene in the books Dobby, who has been freed by the actions of Harry Potter and now has learned to love freedom, is given a job at Hogwarts where he is paid a wage by Dumbledore in exchange for his labor. All of the other elves hate him for it and wish he would die. Dobby also reveals he actively negotiated for less pay with Dumbledore because he felt he was being compensated too highly. Only Hermione sees any problem with any of this and all of the other wizards treat her like one of those PETA freaks for like two whole books before eventually this plotline is dropped.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Voldemort is very explicitly a critique of surprise sex and it's probably the most tone deaf possible way you could talk about the subject. In the books, which are much more defined in my head than the movies, he is just a weird little sociopath who loves to torture people at his orphanage and he never changes from this course even slightly in his life. This is because his mother enchanted his father with a love potion and then had sex with him, which results in an evil baby. That's right in JK Rowling's world if one of your parents does something evil and conceives of you, you will as a result be born entirely without the capacity for love and will become Wizard Hitler. What a great lesson. Some real Sins of the Father poo poo.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Voldemort does eat and thus probably does poop. In the first book he drinks unicorn's blood because some kinda magic something or other about it means that it was extending his miserable existence as a soul with no body to speak of. At the time he was inhabiting the backside of the defense against the dark arts teacher Professor Quirrel. Later on he speaks as to how he survived his terrible ordeal up until he met Professor Quirrel and the answer was that he was eating bugs and snakes and stuff iirc. Him pooping as a result really just follows logically. Later a magic ritual is used to make him a new body and generally I assume that he did not need to eat to sustain himself from this point on and probably wasn't pooping either.

As an aside it was brought up in the first book if you kill a unicorn and drink its blood you are cursed forever for some reason. Now maybe it was a loophole situation and Quirrel killed the unicorn but it really seems like JK just forgot about this entirely because it never comes up again and Voldemort suffers no genuine consequences from this act as best I can tell. Quirrel touches Harry Potter at the climax of the first book and turns into dust or some poo poo it's pretty gruesome but also has nothing to do with the Unicorn situation.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Dumbledore is at one point described as taking a vacation on a muggle beach during the summer months when he isn't teaching at Hogwarts but this is a daydream Harry Potter is having in actuality Dumbledore spent his summers punching his brother in the nose, generally getting all weepy that he let his sister die early in his life and also getting himself into whole heaps of trouble trying to find suspected Voldemort Horcruxes, which is exactly like a Phylactery for Liches in Dungeons and Dragons except you can make as many as you want. These Phylacteries are how Voldemort got to be a weird half-ghost who can live in the back of lonely men's skulls.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


There are secret wizard beaches. Wizards have a magic spell that makes things look innocuous to Muggles and also they have magic spells that make Muggles who get too close to the places they should not be suddenly remember urgent business elsewhere and go off to handle it. Also they have a spell that can compress space so for example 12 Grimmauld Place, a house owned by Harry Potter's godfather Sirius Black, would be compressed between addresses 11 Grimmauld Place and 13 Grimmauld place. Only if you know that it's already there will the space decompress for you and you will be able to see the building.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


The Ministry of Magic has spells that can erase a persons memory. Generally they do that. The prime minister of england has a painting that is enchanted to be able to move and talk and the wizarding world uses it to communicate important memos regarding imported dragons and such to the prime minister, who generally has no say at all in the matter. It can be assumed all major world leaders know that magic exists but the equivalent of a hostage situation is keeping them from speaking the truth to their constituents.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Wizard have medicine for gout. They have an entire hospital for handling magical maladies and the Hogwarts equivalent to a school nurse can handle things like having all of the bones in your body broken with a potion that regrows them all in one terrible evening. As best I can recall gout never really gets mentioned specifically but it's pretty likely it wouldn't be any bother for them to fix.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Arthur Weasley was a techno-wizard in so much as one could exist. He worked for the government and it was his job to impound the enchanted muggle devices being made by other wizards so that it didn't become apparent to Muggles that something weird was right under their nose. He was very interested in how our technology worked but also he was a complete dumbass so he never actually figured any of it out. He stole tons of stuff from work and 'tinkered' on it, including a flying car with an invisibility spell upon it. This gets hijacked by Harry and Ron in book two because Dobby is an rear end in a top hat.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


The snake at the end of Chamber of Secrets was a Basilisk. Either they have magic strings that come out of its head or else you noticed a wire-effect being used during the motion picture. Honestly there are like fifty good questions to be asked regarding the Basilisk and how in the gently caress it survived down there at all or got around ever and the answer is pretty much "gently caress you".

Roth
Jul 9, 2016


Arthur was basically like a weeb that barely knows anything about Japan beyond what's in anime, rarely has an actual insight into the culture, but for the most part is just wrong about everything.

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.



reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


My favorite part of the prisoner of azkaban is the moment where you realize wizards have access to nearly perfect time travel technology and yet somehow live in fear of Voldemort and never try to use it to stop him. This gets glossed over by Hermione asking Harry what he would think if, for example, he encountered himself because sometime in the future he used a time turner to appear in the past, to which Harry responded 'I'd probably think there was some dark magic happening", this is because Harry is a loving moron.

So Voldemort kills people and then he puts the dark mark over their house, which gives you both a location and a timeframe to go use a time turner to bring every wizard you've got and murder the everliving poo poo out of him. Nobody ever tries this because they too, are morons. Later in the books JK realized she had written herself into a corner and had all the time turners be smashed in book 5, just in time for stuff to get really serious. The only problems with this are as follows.

1) Voldemort had several years of terror prior to the events of book 1 and any time during the events from book 1 -> 5 any wizard could have tried to do something about this. The way Voldemort got stopped would be incredibly easy to replicate once you knew how it was done if you were so inclined, though admittedly someone might have to die. Tough poo poo Voldemort had killed hundreds, maybe thousands of wizards by this point.

2) Any wizard who had a time turner during the events of book 5 would still have one. No explanation was given for why every time turner in the world would be located on this one set of shelves at that particular moment.

3) They had hundreds of them. They can not be very difficult to manufacture.

Roth
Jul 9, 2016


reignofevil posted:

Harry is a loving moron.

He's a trust fund rich kid jock that does ok in school, marries his high school sweetheart, and becomes a cop

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Roth posted:

He's a trust fund rich kid jock that does ok in school, marries his high school sweetheart, and becomes a cop

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0tsIGrG0m4

Look at this big rear end clock.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Also if anyone has any more questions about Harry Potter please ask them I have spent years of my life thinking about Harry Potter.

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


reignofevil posted:

Dobby is a "house elf". These are basically slaves who love being slaves and will actively seek to prevent you from liberating them from their position (you do this by giving them clothes to wear).

In one scene in the books Dobby, who has been freed by the actions of Harry Potter and now has learned to love freedom, is given a job at Hogwarts where he is paid a wage by Dumbledore in exchange for his labor. All of the other elves hate him for it and wish he would die. Dobby also reveals he actively negotiated for less pay with Dumbledore because he felt he was being compensated too highly. Only Hermione sees any problem with any of this and all of the other wizards treat her like one of those PETA freaks for like two whole books before eventually this plotline is dropped.

Well the last part isn't exactly true. Ron learns empathy from her and wants to save the house elves in book 7, and they conceive their first son on the bones of the basalisk

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


I totally forgot all of that, book 7 was my least favorite of all of them.

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.



I'm going to elaborate on this a little bit. This is a four hour claymation adaptation of the deathly hallows made by some kid in 2009. I have not watched the whole thing because it's hard to get through, it's very handmade and makes a lot of dumb changes to the text, for example it is far more violent, but its weird ambition and execution are hypnotic. I hope this adult man now has a job at pixar or one of the other big claymation studios. This is my wish for him.

Squizzle
Apr 24, 2008


Ill have to get you to excuse me, my friend, I aint no hat-rack.

Fun Shoe

MAGICAL SOURCE
MYSTIC FORCE

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


Somehow there don't seem to be enough wizards to justify the amount of quidditch there is, unless the amount of wizarding schools are far far more than we realize and hogwarts is just an expensive one that the weasleys are there on scholarship at. I'd rather see the public wizard school in the city where there's more mischief.

W.T. Fits
Apr 21, 2010


They'll never see it coming...


FunkyAl posted:

Somehow there don't seem to be enough wizards to justify the amount of quidditch there is, unless the amount of wizarding schools are far far more than we realize and hogwarts is just an expensive one that the weasleys are there on scholarship at. I'd rather see the public wizard school in the city where there's more mischief.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-2ZxldMO-M

Some Goon
Jan 6, 2013

A golden helix streaked skyward from the Helvault. A thunderous explosion shattered the silver monolith and Avacyn emerged, free from her prison at last.



It just occurred to me, the "the entire world plays this one game" probably only seems improbable to Americans who are the only holdouts on this whole 'football' thing.

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BE_3C9emr4

Squizzle
Apr 24, 2008


Ill have to get you to excuse me, my friend, I aint no hat-rack.

Fun Shoe

is harry potter part of the red alert timeline, or the tiberium timeline

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


ItBreathes posted:

It just occurred to me, the "the entire world plays this one game" probably only seems improbable to Americans who are the only holdouts on this whole 'football' thing.

I understand soccer! My appeal is that the scale of wizards we see in the book fluctuates wildly and does not have a "world" backing it to support a world cup. As we understand it, wizards from all over the british isles send their children to hogwarts, but in harry's grade there are only around 40 wizards, at his level, and 10 in his house. At a given time around 280 wizard children and young adults, which means there are probably a hundred to two hundred wizard families in Ireland, Scotland, and England, maybe a total population of a few hundred or a thousand, maybe even a couple thousand!

This may seem like a lot of people, but then consider: There are 510,000 people who live in Manchester. How are SO many people at the quidditch world cup? How can they justify three(+) teams composed of seven or more people, plus of course staff publicists waterboys coaches wizard photographers, the special effects wizards who created the dancing leprechaun effect, the hagrid-type who takes care of the field, people who build the enchanted balls, newspaper reporters who write about it, etc? Is every wizard in the entire world there? And why is Arthur watching the game with his children instead of sending them to work part time jobs building the temporary stadium with their wands?

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Squizzle posted:

is harry potter part of the red alert timeline, or the tiberium timeline

Unfortunately, it is definitely part of the Generals timeline.

Caidin
Oct 28, 2011


reignofevil posted:

Dobby is a "house elf". These are basically slaves who love being slaves and will actively seek to prevent you from liberating them from their position (you do this by giving them clothes to wear).

In one scene in the books Dobby, who has been freed by the actions of Harry Potter and now has learned to love freedom, is given a job at Hogwarts where he is paid a wage by Dumbledore in exchange for his labor. All of the other elves hate him for it and wish he would die. Dobby also reveals he actively negotiated for less pay with Dumbledore because he felt he was being compensated too highly. Only Hermione sees any problem with any of this and all of the other wizards treat her like one of those PETA freaks for like two whole books before eventually this plotline is dropped.

So it's a fetish thing then?

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Absolutely yes.

Squizzle
Apr 24, 2008


Ill have to get you to excuse me, my friend, I aint no hat-rack.

Fun Shoe

does the depiction of dobby draw strongly on severin from venus in furs

ungulateman
Apr 18, 2012
Hello I am a person doing a thing via buttons. It's amazing what electronic singnals traveling through space can accomplish.

Makes ya think.

Purple m&ms are the best.

Dobby is just c3-p0 with extra steps

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.




a sith lord?

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006


Statistically you'd think that I'd sometimes fluke into typing a decent post. Nah. Only the most tedious, shitty posts, all day every day baby!

Don't bother engaging me, I don't ever get the hints to fuck off.




When asked about other wizarding schools across the world besides the Russian and Dutch ones Rowling made up one school for all of China and one for all of America and both were racist as hell.

Dr. VooDoo
May 4, 2006




The wizard governments and societies of Harry Potter are horribly dystopian. A small, select group of people with powers that could solve the worlds problems at large with a flick of their wrists chooses to hoard this power for themselves. They also decide what the people not in their elite group can and cannot know and will alter memories without consent to uphold this, up to and including the cause and nature of deaths of loved ones, treating them as little better than animals even creating a separate name name and category for them as if somehow they are less human than they are. Yet somehow these governments and societies are surprised when groups of their fellow elites take things to their logical end and create magic supremacy ideologies. Even at the end of the Harry Potter series the heroes have done nothing to stop this practice which only insures another Voldemort-like figure will rise in the future

Mooey Cow
Jan 27, 2018



Pillbug

When you think about it Harry Potter and X-Men are basically the same thing, except instead of the X-gene that gives you one specific power, you have the wizard gene that allows you to use any powers you can learn. Professor Dumbledorf is professor X. Magneto is Voldemort, with the mutant supremacy and so on.

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FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


I have heard "the crimes of grindelwald" is about the wizards not intervening in the holocaust

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