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CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





SlothfulCobra posted:

You can't do that for more than a few days at a time before they start dying.

IV liquids and tube feeding. bing bong so simple.

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Barudak
May 7, 2007



CainFortea posted:

IV liquids and tube feeding. bing bong so simple.

<Me frantically looking through the papers> Oh no I forgot to feed the prisoners! <Ron, Harry, Fred, Neville, and everyone else laughs while the camera freeze frames and the credits roll because we're all cops>

dordreff
Jul 16, 2013


Zesty posted:

I think they specifically said so?

If not, it was a thing that instantly and painlessly kills you and it's in the middle of an auditorium.

it wasn't an execution device, it was a metaphor. that's not a joke it was literally a physical metaphor for the concept of death that also literally kills you if you touch it

Sanguinia
Jan 1, 2012

#RXT REVOLUTION~!
2000





That door is the kind of thing I loved in Harry Potter. "Somewhere in the middle of the ministry of magic's department of mysteries is an doorway covered by a ragged black veil. Its in the center of a large room and goes nowhere. If you walk through it you instantly die, and your body can never be recovered. Some people say they can hear whispers beyond it, some people even think they can see people on the other side of it. Some people see and hear nothing. So maybe it goes to the Afterlife, or maybe it doesn't, we have no way to find out. It was there before there was a Ministry, we literally built the building around it because we can't move it. We have no idea who made it, how it works, or what kind of spells went into its crafting. We've been studying it for almost 2000 years and everything we've learned about it can fit on one sheet of paper."

Asgerd
May 6, 2012






Grimey Drawer

We can only guess at how many house-elves they threw into that thing to test it

YaketySass
Jan 15, 2019

Blind Idiot Dog


Zore posted:

Weirdly there is a death penalty for animals that involves a dude with a large axe and a very technical appeals process.

It's not that weird considering the great diversity of beings Wizards consider to be animals.

Zore posted:

Wizarding North America is somehow more dystopian and hosed up than Wizarding Britain according to those movies which is a hell of an accomplishment.

lol, America deserves it but this is also 100% Rowling's inner shining through.

Barudak
May 7, 2007



Asgerd posted:

We can only guess at how many house-elves they threw into that thing to test it

Lemme put it this way, there used to be House Trolls

W.T. Fits
Apr 21, 2010

Dream Super Combo


Sanguinia posted:

That door is the kind of thing I loved in Harry Potter. "Somewhere in the middle of the ministry of magic's department of mysteries is an doorway covered by a ragged black veil. Its in the center of a large room and goes nowhere. If you walk through it you instantly die, and your body can never be recovered. Some people say they can hear whispers beyond it, some people even think they can see people on the other side of it. Some people see and hear nothing. So maybe it goes to the Afterlife, or maybe it doesn't, we have no way to find out. It was there before there was a Ministry, we literally built the building around it because we can't move it. We have no idea who made it, how it works, or what kind of spells went into its crafting. We've been studying it for almost 2000 years and everything we've learned about it can fit on one sheet of paper."

Sounds almost like an SCP entry when you put it that way.

amigolupus
Aug 25, 2017



Sanguinia posted:

That door is the kind of thing I loved in Harry Potter. "Somewhere in the middle of the ministry of magic's department of mysteries is an doorway covered by a ragged black veil. Its in the center of a large room and goes nowhere. If you walk through it you instantly die, and your body can never be recovered. Some people say they can hear whispers beyond it, some people even think they can see people on the other side of it. Some people see and hear nothing. So maybe it goes to the Afterlife, or maybe it doesn't, we have no way to find out. It was there before there was a Ministry, we literally built the building around it because we can't move it. We have no idea who made it, how it works, or what kind of spells went into its crafting. We've been studying it for almost 2000 years and everything we've learned about it can fit on one sheet of paper."

This part isn't surprising, considering how Wizards have little to no sense of innovation and are lazy as gently caress. I like to imagine that if Muggle scientists got to study the thing, they'd be able to figure out the veil.

Zesty
Jan 17, 2012



Is Researcher one of the four professions?

Teacher
Magical Animal... handler?
Cop
Ministry Pencil Pusher

Hmmm..

amigolupus
Aug 25, 2017



Zesty posted:

Is Researcher one of the four professions?

Teacher
Magical Animal... handler?
Cop
Ministry Pencil Pusher

Hmmm..

Aside from maybe the Time Turners, have we even seen anything useful come from those Department of Mysteries jerks? For all we know they spend all their time smoking weed and seeing what happens if you put vodka in the brain jars.

Zesty
Jan 17, 2012



Nope

josh04
Oct 19, 2008

I'll see you in the dome





Zesty posted:

Is Researcher one of the four professions?

Teacher
Magical Animal... handler?
Cop
Ministry Pencil Pusher

Hmmm..

The unspeakables are some kind of cop/pencil pusher blend.

Zesty
Jan 17, 2012



Wow the wiki is poo poo. Half of the professions are just "things people sometimes do" rather than actual jobs.

The Harry Potter Wizard Fantasy. One day you too can get the magical wizard job of "Yes Man for Death Eater that works at the Ministry"

Zesty
Jan 17, 2012



Visit the wiki before the next movie and get Jude Law constantly staring at you from an picture that should have been deleted from the roll because there's no way that was the intended expression.

Guy A. Person
May 23, 2003



Zesty posted:

Is Researcher one of the four professions?

Teacher
Magical Animal... handler?
Cop
Ministry Pencil Pusher

Hmmm..

You can also play their weird sport, that seems to be what a handful of the non-teacher, non-ministry kids end up doing (I think even Ginny plays before retiring and writing for the sports section of the Daily Prophet)

Ccs
Feb 25, 2011




SlothfulCobra posted:


Honestly it really bugged me when the White Lotus society was reastablished as the Avatar's handlers and some kind of world-police or something. Are they still supposed to be a secret society? Are the jails public knowledge or are they some kind of gitmo situation? Are the White Lotus funded by the four nations?


That was one of Zaheer's criticism of them. He says his organization is what the White Lotus was meant to be, but after the 100 year war they stopped being a secret society and became a tool of the nations and protectors of the Avatar-in-training. That's part of why he wants to wipe them out, because they've become part of what he sees as an oppressive ruling power structure.

Zesty posted:

Visit the wiki before the next movie and get Jude Law constantly staring at you from an picture that should have been deleted from the roll because there's no way that was the intended expression.

Are there actually plans for another Fantastic Beasts movie? I suspected that the second did so badly they called the whole thing off.

Edgar Allen Ho
Apr 3, 2017


Quoth James Cameron,

"Nevermore"



Yeah they're already filming 3. Rumor is 4 and 5 are cancelled so we may get Jude Law vs Mads Mikkelsen doing a wizard duel in WW2. Good or bad, it's gonna be great.

Zesty
Jan 17, 2012



Edgar Allen Ho posted:

Rumor is 4 and 5 are cancelled

Just because the Shrieking Cast podcast constantly throws that out there doesn't mean anything.

Edgar Allen Ho
Apr 3, 2017


Quoth James Cameron,

"Nevermore"



No it's definitely filming tho??? https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england...0Hertfordshire.

goin great

Sodomy Hussein
Oct 9, 2005

Everything is subject to the needs of intelligence, for geniuses like me. If we actually solve problems, people won't need me and people like me, and this is a travesty without end. You have to squeeze the poor so they know their place, and you fucking commies forget that.


Edgar Allen Ho posted:

Yeah they're already filming 3. Rumor is 4 and 5 are cancelled so we may get Jude Law vs Mads Mikkelsen doing a wizard duel in WW2. Good or bad, it's gonna be great.

4 and 5? Jesus wept.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Sometimes you gotta break the rules.


I'm so glad because otherwise I'm gonna look like a real dumbass a decade from now when we aren't all watching Fantastic Beasts 7, I've already got the tattoo and everything, Warner Brothers OWES me another heptilogy dammit.

TinTower
Apr 21, 2010

You don't have to 8e a good person to 8e a hero.


Jazerus posted:

aunt marge is absolutely outraged that brexit means she's getting kicked out of spain (she voted for it)

Everything they say about Vernon makes him sound like the kind of man who joined UKIP back in the early 2000s, stayed with them after Farage created a new vanity vehicle, and now votes for, I dunno, Lawrence Fox for Mayor of London because he doesn't believe in coronavirus.

Buttchocks
Oct 21, 2020

No, I like my hat, thanks.


Asgerd posted:

We can only guess at how many house-elves they threw into that thing to test it

I'm surprised this isn't some sort of wizarding league sport.

Regalingualius
Jan 6, 2012


Vernon would totally be one of the people who said Covid isn’t so serious only to ironically then die of it.

Sydin
Oct 29, 2011

Another rainy day commute





And instead of blaming Boris' COVID response or her husband's own bad behavior, she'd have an op-ed published about how the NHS killed her husband because of how inefficiently they're run.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Sometimes you gotta break the rules.


"Well Dudley it's time for you to take your father's place at the drill company."

*Dudley looks up from Call of Duty with horror*

Edgar Allen Ho
Apr 3, 2017


Quoth James Cameron,

"Nevermore"



I think the official lore is Dudley turns decent.

I like to think he gets buff like the kid from Holes.

TinTower
Apr 21, 2010

You don't have to 8e a good person to 8e a hero.


Edgar Allen Ho posted:

I think the official lore is Dudley turns decent.

I like to think he gets buff like the kid from Holes.

His name is Stanley Yelnats.

RBA Starblade
Apr 27, 2008

Going Home.



Games Idiot Court Jester


TinTower posted:

His name is Stanley Yelnats.

Dudley Yeldud

Cranappleberry
Jan 27, 2009


Diddy Dinky Diddydums x Hermione Granger?!

D^3, Infamous Harry "Dumbledore's Special Boy" Potter's cousin, learns tolerance and then respect from his wickedly ravishing gf, Minister of Magic Granger, writes Rita Skeeter Special Correspondent.

"He gave the old one-two to Dejemntors... I guess" says his once proud now horrified father, Vernon Dursely aged 61, who looks as though he is struggling to find answers to justify this cruel world in which we all have to suffer.

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Sometimes you gotta break the rules.


I guess our IK contest is starting early....

Sydin
Oct 29, 2011

Another rainy day commute





Edgar Allen Ho posted:

I think the official lore is Dudley turns decent.

I like to think he gets buff like the kid from Holes.

Yeah, one of the actually nice thinks to come out of JK tweet lore is that Dudley kinda has an epiphany that his parents are terrible, and he ultimately got his poo poo together as an adult and is on relatively good terms with Harry. Which tracks with the actual text where Harry's saving him from Dementors and Dumbledore's dressing down of Vernon and Petunia seemed to actually strike a chord with Dudley, and before Harry takes off in the last book we hear about his clumsy attempts to make amends and see his genuine well wishes for Harry.

Barudak
May 7, 2007



Dudley grows up to lose the remaining weight in college, makes an effort to reach out to other people, and by year four of university is know as Dud the Stud. After graduating, he leaves the UK to pursue his dreams of never becoming a cop.

Roach Warehouse
Nov 1, 2010




Loathe as I am to give JK props in 2021, “Dudley Dursley” is a great name that just screams ‘Awful Child’. The kid crushed it in the movies too if I remember right.

SlothfulCobra
Mar 27, 2011

STOP BEING EVIL.


Barudak posted:

Dudley grows up to lose the remaining weight in college, makes an effort to reach out to other people, and by year four of university is know as Dud the Stud. After graduating, he leaves the UK to pursue his dreams of never becoming a cop.

He fails when he gets to Canada.

wdarkk
Oct 26, 2007

Friends: Protected
World: Saved
Crablettes: Eaten


SlothfulCobra posted:

He fails when he gets to Canada.



That guy is so bad at being a cop I feel like we can't count it.

amigolupus
Aug 25, 2017



I feel like Dudley and Neville would work well as a pairing. They've both been screwed over by the people that raised them, they both felt inferior compared to Harry, they both realized they didn't need to become the person that their parents/relatives wanted them to be, they both put in the effort to improve themselves while they were still teenagers and then grew up into decent adults by the end.

That said, it's kind of funny to imagine that Dudley's like one of the few characters that didn't peak in high school while Harry is just Harry.

Barudak
May 7, 2007



SlothfulCobra posted:

He fails when he gets to Canada.



He, cannonically, defeats smokey the bear who has been mind controlled with the help of his sentient horse who is romantically involved with a magic woman so I'm pretty sure Dudley is just deep cover fighting illegal Canadian Wizards.

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Cranappleberry
Jan 27, 2009


Part 54 in the (unexpectedly) wildly popular series on Vernon Dursley, Uncle of Harry "I Smell A Rat" Potter: Drills.

For a general overview we go to The Daily Prophet's Outside Muggle Expert, Arthur Weasley:

"Drills. Wow. I mean they're just great. Fascinating stuff, really!" exclaims Arthur, 60 president of the Muggle-Wizard Alliance and Head of The Ministry's Muggle-Relations office. "See what they do is amazing. They are part of the Muggle mating ritual." He says while nodding excitedly and animatedly moving his hands.

"They take these drills, right, which are basically like icecream cones made of metal that spin really fast and are incredibly destructive." He says twirling his wand dangerously. "Then what they do is attach them to the arms of giant suits of armor which are powered entirely by eccentricity somehow." He is standing on his desk now. "These suits then fight each other and this simulates the act of love-making and really gets their Muggle juices flowing." He is now pretending to be two "suits of armor" battling. He punches himself in the chest. "I learned about this from an awesome muggle documentary called Lucky Star." Finally he makes an explosion noise with his mouth and jumps off the desk into a pile of folders. He emerges laughing maniacally.

Arthur Weasley refuses to reveal how he came into possession of such... enlightening materials. However, this sheds light on notable muggle, Vernon Dursley and his chosen career...

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