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FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


What's going on with these movies? Why didn't Snape ever tell harry he was friends with his mom? They could have gotten along better. Are there motorcycle gangs but with brooms? Who is Dobby? Why isn't Voldemort ever depicted having fun with dark magic or any human qualities outside of childhood? Does he poop and eat food and take a vacation on a muggle beach? Are there secret wizard beaches? What does the ministry do to keep us muggles in line? Do wizards have medicine for gout? Why wasn't there any science or techno wizard who looked like max headroom? Like with a
magic computer or synthesizer. Why does the snake have strings coming out of its head at the end of chamber of secrets?

AND

What are your favorite parts of prisoner of azkaban

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FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


Exhibit B:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUoS58emWF4

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.



FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


reignofevil posted:

Dobby is a "house elf". These are basically slaves who love being slaves and will actively seek to prevent you from liberating them from their position (you do this by giving them clothes to wear).

In one scene in the books Dobby, who has been freed by the actions of Harry Potter and now has learned to love freedom, is given a job at Hogwarts where he is paid a wage by Dumbledore in exchange for his labor. All of the other elves hate him for it and wish he would die. Dobby also reveals he actively negotiated for less pay with Dumbledore because he felt he was being compensated too highly. Only Hermione sees any problem with any of this and all of the other wizards treat her like one of those PETA freaks for like two whole books before eventually this plotline is dropped.

Well the last part isn't exactly true. Ron learns empathy from her and wants to save the house elves in book 7, and they conceive their first son on the bones of the basalisk

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.



I'm going to elaborate on this a little bit. This is a four hour claymation adaptation of the deathly hallows made by some kid in 2009. I have not watched the whole thing because it's hard to get through, it's very handmade and makes a lot of dumb changes to the text, for example it is far more violent, but its weird ambition and execution are hypnotic. I hope this adult man now has a job at pixar or one of the other big claymation studios. This is my wish for him.

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


Somehow there don't seem to be enough wizards to justify the amount of quidditch there is, unless the amount of wizarding schools are far far more than we realize and hogwarts is just an expensive one that the weasleys are there on scholarship at. I'd rather see the public wizard school in the city where there's more mischief.

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BE_3C9emr4

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


ItBreathes posted:

It just occurred to me, the "the entire world plays this one game" probably only seems improbable to Americans who are the only holdouts on this whole 'football' thing.

I understand soccer! My appeal is that the scale of wizards we see in the book fluctuates wildly and does not have a "world" backing it to support a world cup. As we understand it, wizards from all over the british isles send their children to hogwarts, but in harry's grade there are only around 40 wizards, at his level, and 10 in his house. At a given time around 280 wizard children and young adults, which means there are probably a hundred to two hundred wizard families in Ireland, Scotland, and England, maybe a total population of a few hundred or a thousand, maybe even a couple thousand!

This may seem like a lot of people, but then consider: There are 510,000 people who live in Manchester. How are SO many people at the quidditch world cup? How can they justify three(+) teams composed of seven or more people, plus of course staff publicists waterboys coaches wizard photographers, the special effects wizards who created the dancing leprechaun effect, the hagrid-type who takes care of the field, people who build the enchanted balls, newspaper reporters who write about it, etc? Is every wizard in the entire world there? And why is Arthur watching the game with his children instead of sending them to work part time jobs building the temporary stadium with their wands?

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.




a sith lord?

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


I have heard "the crimes of grindelwald" is about the wizards not intervening in the holocaust

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


Which one of you is the Wizard Bumblesnatch!

FunkyAl fucked around with this message at 16:33 on Apr 8, 2020

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.



*Cracks wizard staff against a boulder, casting the molecules of water from it and blasting it into a pile of grit and sand*

Why haven't I gotten your lesson plans for next month

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


reignofevil posted:

Sorry sorry!





Try to make the student Shamus, if you can.


Dr. VooDoo posted:

How come wizard parents are awful and a-ok with their kids almost always dying? Like the goblet of fire tournament thing. Not only is death expected for the contestants but the water contest they literally kidnap their friends and trap them in a lake surrounded by murderous mermaids and a giant squid and not one loving parent objects

Wizard parents all met and fell in love doing stuff like awakening cursed sarcophoguses

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


Har Ry Pot Ter

Lights Are Gon Na Blind Me

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


Rebuttal:The chocolate factory is full of imagination and a jazzy freewheeling attitude, wheras the harry potter books attempt to employ dull "realistic" concepts like banking, government, and school to the concept of "magic," yet does not have a logical explanation for where magic comes from, any attempt to make one, and the thermodynamic laws employed within are crappy and flimsy. Harry potter is thousands of pages of "it was poofity poof" and "he was the master wizard of poofity poof and dangerous of power unknown" and never "magic is dying" or "we're going into backwards dragon country where all the laws are upside down" or "there is one wizard with a different trick from the rest: duel monsters"

However mad props to you for sharing your opinion on the internet.

Also though isn't matilda about matilda learning advanced laws of thermodynamics? just by reading about them? She's ahead of my grade for sure, I'm just the kid eating the big cake

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


I'm going to request someone be loving around with this thread's title. There are at least five fine one liners on this page alone.

Sleeveless posted:

Complaining that the politics of the wizarding world are impractical and the rules for their magic are inconsistent is like complaining that Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory doesn't follow OSHA regulations and Matilda's psychic powers don't follow the laws of thermodynamics.


Aglet56 posted:

just want to say that i'm stoned as gently caress and this thread is incredibly entertaining

paragon1 posted:

Years of systematic child abuse and cold indiiference as his only experience of humans should probably have affected Harry more deeply tbh but "barely able to function because of trauma" probably isn't a great power fantasy for 12 year olds.

These are my nominees for america's home video

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


Dr. VooDoo posted:

The best part is, Iím sure unintentionally by the author, all the low level wizards are assumed they willing went along with Voldemort (again based on ideology created by the governing power themselves) get sent to a prison to have their soul ripped out/driven mad by sadness but all the upper class wizards like Dracoís dad claim Voldemort used a mind control curse on them and got off without any punishment despite having the power to see who actually was and was not mind controlled. The government of wizards is more concerned with upholding a class power structure than having genocidal wizard fascists punished for their crimes

Draco's dad is the best character in the movies incidentally. He is about the only guy I believe knows magic.

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


josh04 posted:

that's the thing, they spent $100 million on it and it looks like rear end. the flashback sequence lets you know we're in the past by being in black and white.

The DVD bonus features: "We looked at the lighting of the sorceror's stone, and we took it a notch darker"

I think they maybe spent a ton on dobby. a TON

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

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I love this, they're all so functional

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

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dudeness posted:

There are no good books, only bad books that haven't developed a fandom.

Wizard of Earthsea is actually good, mostly in all the ways harry potter isn't

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

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reignofevil posted:

Ron Weasley went through an entire year of school with a busted wand taped back together with the wizard equivalent of duct tape because he was too loving proud to ask his parents or his super wealthy best friend for some spare galleons so that he could not fail out of his second year at hogwarts.



Meanwhile the Ravenclaw kids are pooling their resources into a mutual fund and manipulating the wizard stock market by buying up massive shares in polyjuice potion and death eater futures.

How can you trust any politician or public figure in a world with the polyjuice potion. It could be one guy. Maybe five other groups of teenagers were trying to break into the ministry the same day harry potter did. Actors in wizard movies could be drinking it to appear younger

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

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Pick posted:

Masturbate Spell of Masturbation

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


Sleeveless posted:

When the series begins magic is a puberty metaphor, and when it ends it uses lycanthropy as an AIDS metaphor and has a villain character who is a werewolf with the gimmick of intentionally infecting children for his own personal gratification. The fact that the series is largely sexless is a blessing because otherwise it would probably just be full-on Anne Rice poo poo.

Also you can tell Harry Potter was written by a boomer woman because there's like zero acknowledgment or recognition of adolescent male sexuality and frustration and instead Harry just has very sanitized sitcom "I don't have a date..and the prom is tomorrow!" antics and chaste crushes that are all about pining without reciprocation. Nobody's expecting jokes about how hard it is to jack off in private when you're sharing a giant bedroom with a bunch of other guys in wizard school or whatever but as a teenager my eyes just about rolled out of my head whenever he starts pining for Cho Chang in a way completely unlike how me or anyone I knew were dealing with our feelings and relationships despite being the same age.

Harry's negative emoions and memories were siphoned off of him by dumbledore and the council of wizards to prevent another voldemort situation and create the perfect tool. This is why there are no accounts of them in the book, and they are replaced by implant memories of cho chang

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

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In real life dumbledore would have five inch long fingernails, at the least

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


Big Dick Cheney posted:

Hagrid goes to the insane torture prison without any trial, just because the chamber was opened at Hogwarts and they assumed it had to be him.

They took magic from him as a child, the only man who showed him any mercy in his life was dumbledore who made him go live in the woods

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


"oh hagrid, you can live in the forest and become master of the beasts. why, you are almost like a beast yourself, with your simple staring half giant's eyes, themselves like a beasts, and your clumsy doddering hands with fingers as fat as calzones and your mane of valuable giant's hair with magical properties and-"

"professor dumbledore, if i work at the school will i still be allowed to check out books at the library?"

"no."

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


Hagrid was making GBS threads in the woods again. He bumbled and stank. He cleaned himself up with a leaf he grew for this purpose. He missed the days of his childhood, his father's home with a flush toilet, yet pitied the students who shate in their cold chamber pots and fixed themselves with spells that rezone poop onto the heads of house elves. Speaking of students, here came harry potter, the idiot orphan. How hagrid despised harry, the clumsy oaf who talked with him as a toy or a pet. yet he could say nothing. Once he was the sole trustee of his fortune, he would feed the boy to aragog. yes. That was his plan all along. harming the malfoy boy was just a stunt to gain his trust. With that money and prestige, he could buy his way onto the wizengamot. it was all a matter of waiting, and trying to keep that other shithead tom riddle from pulling his poo poo. gently caress that dude. why do the kids and authorities never even ask him about that he wondered? don't they know i was friends with the worst wizard of them all? what do i think about that for that matter? this question is never explored in the books.

while hagrid wasn't thinking, he accidentally stabbed harry with his potato peeling knife he was using to peel potatoes for supper. no! he thought! it was too soon. his eyes darted around the scene, and not knowing what else to do devoured harry greedily and in under 25 seconds. He would eat the potatoes later. he burped, and suddenly felt the full power of both the boy wizard and voldemort course through his veins. he liften into the air and blasted through the walls of the school like a gun through a cheese.

this was only the beginning

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


everyone who writes some print it out and we'll send it to jk in a box marked "improvements"

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


Well not to typecast jack black but he was making a lot of silly faces for that to be an "adult" story

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

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He's not dead he's alive in the pages of a book

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

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Harry Potter and the Spill on the Bus

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

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Dell_Zincht posted:

Oh hey a Harry Potter thread! I was an extra in The Philosophers Stone as I loved the books but now I think JK Rowling is a massive piece of poo poo also i'm a hufflepuff okay that's my story bye bye

That's pretty sick! Any set stories?

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

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I invoke the following spell of summoning:


Which incidentally, really and almost instantly summoned this guy

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

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Man with Hat posted:

It's a special super invisibility cloak that can hide people from even Death himself!

Which is interesting because Moody's magic eye can see through it. There's a theory that moody's magic eye was made by Grindelwald because Grindelwald was obsessed with the hollows and super loving powerful so he made it to find the cloac and then Moody took it after Grindelwald was caught. I like that theory.

Also, back on like page one, people were talking about the Quidditch World Cup and numbers of magic folk. In The Goblet of Fire they say "100 000 wizards and witches" are attending the finals so yeah, where the gently caress are they the rest of the year.

Can someone explain to me why the gently caress people proudly proclaim to be slytherin? They're the nazis, right? Like, it's very obvious isn't it? I've asked people who actually claim to be Slytherin and they just get mad about it.

Moody's eye is defenitely a horcrux.

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


Slughorn's frat threw a great party!

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

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The sorting hat's broken but nobody bothered to re-enchant it

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


JethroMcB posted:

pretty funny that Hufflepuff is canonically the unexceptional house of leftovers and people gleefully embrace that, "I'm SUCH a Hufflepuff, I define myself by having no true personality and only really existing to serve the Alphas in the story of my life!"

You have it wrong. Hufflepuffs are high all of the time. They are the stoner house.

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


josh04 posted:

Fantastic Beasts solves this riddle: every American wizard is a fascist.

Even Brockway Weasley???

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


The food rule is on par with all the rules the fairly oddparents made up about wishes.

Man with Hat posted:

Another question: How the gently caress does hogwarts make money? Dumbledore offers to pay his house elves, all hundreds of them, several gallons per week. They decline, which is good, because that would be like thousands of gallons per week and that can literally buy you the most expensive thing seen in the whole series several times over. I think it's also stated that wizards and witches are bad at numbers and math and economics so I guess this is just a prime example of that?

Hordes of treasure plundered from ancient wizard wars, goblins, and unsuspecting muggles. And a cursed fountain that cries hot, fresh, molten gold

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FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.


Besides the muggles, I'm not sure how the wizard government itself operates with all the magical brainwashing and hypnotism going on. Probably at least half of all wizards in the government were brainwashed while Voldemort was in charge, which I am sure ALSO happened when he was in power to begin with. How are these people functioning in their day-to-day work? Are they being manipulated through every step of their boring wizard paperwork, written on parchment with quill, or does the death eater zone out for that and let him do his thing? Is anyone suffering long term brain damage? Are bureaucratic wizard essentials going ignored because everybody is hiding essential (wizard zoning) information from each other? Is this why wizards haven't built a new school in 1,000 years?

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