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CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Edgar Allen Ho posted:

Who, it cannot be said enough, was played by a black girl until the movie where she had to kiss Ron.

Huh. Didn't notice that.

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CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Edgar Allen Ho posted:

oh boy principal photography on fantastic beasts 3 has started.

e: and there's gonna be five of these loving things

Maybe if people stop talking about them and watching them they'll stop making them.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





How drunk are you?

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





reignofevil posted:

So uhh, Hogwarts accidentally manufactures the greatest threat the world has ever known. Dumbledore basically did nothing to identify or stop it. Time passes and Voldemort is doing some crazy rear end murder poo poo at the height of his power and Dumbledore's big idea to stop is isn't to try and ambush voldemort with a gun or blow him up with a bomb or even to challenge him to a duel to do some wizard poo poo instead voldemort creates a secret organization to fight the death eaters even though dumbledore has a magic wand he got from Grindlewald that makes him undefeatable in a fight. Somehow. Depending on if you satisfy some very finicky rules we don't need to get into here.

yea, you know dumbledore watched the fuckin Blitz happen. He knows you can just bomb people to poo poo.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





reignofevil posted:

A week ago maybe more I said never forget voldemort is really dumb, some time maybe I hit onto his perspective in all of this and we can go over how colossally monumentally stupid he is at basically all times.

The only person in the entire wizarding world dumber than Voldemort was Dumbledor.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





amigolupus posted:

Harry's school years took place in the 90s, right? Quirrell should have said he went to America and just worn a baseball cap backwards to hide Voldemort's face.

Oh man, I just remembered the detail that Quirrell's turban smelled strongly of garlic because of his cover story that he was afraid of vampires. Voldemort spent the better part of a year being forced to reek of garlic. That poo poo should've destroyed all of his Dark Lord credentials.

Voldemort doesn't have a nose, he couldn't smell it.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





galagazombie posted:

I think he only became a Snake Man when he was resurrected. He was just a normal looking dude before baby Harry killed him. For someone who was as much of a LARPer as Voldemort who was obsessed with his snake themed lineage, I can totally buy that when given the chance to rebuild himself from scratch he chose to be a Snake Man. Either that or all the Snake related magic involved in his resurrection made being a Snake Man inevitable.

Yea, but when he was under the garlic turban was after baby harry killed him so he had no nose.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





galagazombie posted:

That makes sense. Though I remember in the first movie (before Horcruxes had ben invented, and even if they had the filmmakers couldn't have known) the flashback of Voldy killing Harry's parents had him normal looking insomuch as not getting a clear look at his face. All while wearing a laughably low budget dollar-store hood. Made it look like the Potter's were killed by a guy who just left his Vampire: The Masquerade session.

Hey! no need to get poopy!

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Atrocious Joe posted:

If Goku went to Hogwarts he would have defeated Voldemort by book 3

And exactly what about anything in the DBZ universe leads you to believe any conflict is resolved quickly? They will spend an hour powering up one attack in the middle of a fight and spend the rest of the time talking about how powerful that attack is going to be.

If HP was written DBZ style there'd be 857 books, 3 of which would deal with basalisks, polymorph potions, and making fun of nevil. The other 854 would be harry's fight against voldemort.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





amigolupus posted:

You know, that does explain a lot about Neville's poor spellwork in the earlier books. IIRC, Neville used his dad's wand, so if his dad was defeated by the Lestranges then the wand's loyalty went to them. Trying to cast spells with a wand that doesn't want to obey you definitely didn't do any favors for Neville's anxiety and low self-esteem.

There's some irony in Neville's grandmother being so determined to make Neville be more like his dad that giving him his dad's wand turned out to be a massive handicap.

Do wizards just like, not know this poo poo? Thousands of years of magical studies and not once do they notice that "hey, rando wands I pick up don't work as good as wands I take from the hands of my enemies"

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Reading this thread has made me realize that wizards are so much dumber than I thought.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





galagazombie posted:

Had she known how the series would blow up in popularity or how it's tone would change in later books (or how well Slytherin merch would sell), I definitely think Rowling wouldn't have made Salazar Slytherin himself both a Nazi and the founder of wizard Nazism. It made sense when Slytherin was just "the bullies" but now we're just going back around to talking about whimsicalness for the thousandth time.

Bold assumption given the inclusion of literal banking goblins.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Some Goon posted:

Gonk the roof off, we're gonna gonk the roof off the mother sucker
Gonk the roof off the sucker
Gonk the roof off, we're gonna gonk the roof off the mother sucker
Gonk the roof off the sucker
Gonk the roof off, we're gonna gonk the roof off the mother sucker
Gonk the roof off the sucker
Gonk the roof off, we're gonna gonk the roof off the mother sucker
Gonk the roof off the sucker

You've got a real type of thing gonking down, gettin' down
There's a whole lot of rhythm gonking round
You've got a real type of thing gonking down, gettin' down
There's a whole lot of rhythm gonking round

Ow, we want the gonk
Give up the gonk
Ow, we need the gonk
We gotta have that gonk
Ow, we want the gonk
Give up the gonk
Ow, we need the gonk
We gotta have that gonk

You've got a real type of thing gonking down, gettin' down
There's a whole lot of rhythm gonking round
You've got a real type of thing gonking down, gettin' down
There's a whole lot of rhythm gonking round

Ow, we want the gonk
Give up the gonk
Ow, we need the gonk
We gotta have that gonk
Ow, we want the gonk
Give up the gonk
Ow, we need the gonk
We gotta have that gonk

We're gonna turn this mother out
We're gonna turn this mother out

You've got a real type of thing gonking down, gettin' down
There's a whole lot of rhythm gonking round
You've got a real type of thing gonking down, gettin' down
There's a whole lot of rhythm gonking round
You've got a real type of thing gonking down, gettin' down
There's a whole lot of rhythm gonking round
You've got a real type of thing gonking down, gettin' down
There's a whole lot of rhythm gonking round

Ow, we want the gonk
Give up the gonk
Ow, we need the gonk
We gotta have that gonk
Ow, we want the gonk
Give up the gonk
Ow, we need the gonk
We gotta have that gonk

Ow, we want the gonk
Give up the gonk
Ow, we need the gonk
(Let us in, we'll turn this mother out)
We gotta have that gonk
Ow, we want the gonk
Give up the gonk
Ow, we need the gonk
(Let us in, we'll turn this mother out)
We gotta have that gonk

Ow, we want the gonk
Give up the gonk
Ow, we need the gonk
We gotta have that gonk
Ow, we want the gonk
Give up the gonk
Ow, we need the gonk
We gotta have that gonk
Ow, we want the gonk
Give up the gonk
Ow, we need the gonk
We gotta have that gonk

(We're gonna turn this mother out)
Ow, we want the gonk
Give up the gonk
(We're gonna turn this mother out)
Ow, we need the gonk
We gotta have that gonk
(We're gonna turn this mother out)
Ow, we want the gonk
Give up the gonk
(We're gonna turn this mother out)
Ow, we need the gonk
We gotta have that gonk

Ow, we want the gonk
Give up the gonk
Ow, we need the gonk
(Let us in, we'll tear this mother out)
We gotta have that gonk
Ow, we want the gonk
Give up the gonk
Ow, we need the gonk
(Let us in, we'll tear this mother out)
We gotta have that gonk

We want the gonk
Give up the gonk
We need the gonk
We gotta have that gonk
We want the gonk
Give up the gonk
We need the gonk
We gotta have that gonk
We want the gonk
Give up the gonk
We need the gonk
We gotta have that gonk

(You've got a real type of thing gonking down, gettin' down)
(There's a whole lot of rhythm gonking round)
You've got a real type of thing gonking down, gettin' down
There's a whole lot of rhythm gonking round
You've got a real type of thing gonking down, gettin' down
There's a whole lot of rhythm gonking round

Ow, we want the gonk
Give up the gonk
Ow, we need the gonk
(Let us in we'll tear this mother out)

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Ror posted:

I don't know what you'd call it, but the way the lore of the series is so back-loaded feels frustrating in the same way that retconning does. It's not that JK necessarily straight up changes things from the first couple of books, but so many of the plot points that wind up really mattering to the overall story are things that are added late.

The Deathly Hallows stuff is easily the worst of it because it's all crammed into the last book and the entire series climax is based on some random unfamiliar bullshit about them.

RWBY actually pulled his off well, because it was many years before you got the actual payoff of getting all that deep lore but it never felt like you couldn't relate or understand what was going on "currently" without it.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Sydin posted:

RWBY was so bad at actually working its lore into the show that they had to create supplementary mini episodes that was just straight infodumps.


I wonder if it ever occurred to Rowling that she created in Fudge - a spineless empty suit who's only interested in making sure they appease the rich and is woefully under-equipped to handle any kind of genuine crisis - the exact kind of politician she herself would definitely pull the lever for. Fudge is absolutely the kind of guy moderate wizards would have floating yard signs for, and talk about how they're so sick of having to read about Voldemort in the Daily Prophet and just want to go back to not having to think about the ministry.

I've never seen these mini episodes and it works fine. vOv

Also I was reminded last night that Rowling was all about keeping scotland in the UK so the warning signs were there long ago.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Which nazi told harry to be a cop?

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





In the land of wizards, he who owns a 1911 is king.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





amigolupus posted:

The more I hear about Squibs, the more cruel Dumbledore is for hiring Filch in the first place.

In the hands of a good writer, you could probably explore an AU where Squibs and Muggles get to go to Hogwarts but can only take classes like Potions, Herbology or other new classes that don't require a wand. A Squib Harry being forced to go to Hogwarts because of Dumbledore's plans for him and having to adapt and be crafty would also be interesting, I think.

So Vorkosigan series but with pants making GBS threads.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Harry is an english aristocrat who gets the irish to fight in his war and some of them die.

Seems pretty cursed.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





If I have to explain to you why shooting streams of gravy out of your wand is desireable I have no faith that communication with you is possible.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





josh04 posted:

I was very specific in my language here to avoid that precise reply.

I don't see how.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Buttchocks posted:

Is there scripting for wands? Can they do batch spells? Can I program a skeleton computer to do magic?

Magic 2.0 is the book series you're looking for here.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Edgar Allen Ho posted:

There is more stupid bullshit in the LotR movies than books, which have none

Well, there was no Tom Bombadil in the movies, so your claim is done right there.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Coward.

At least right click, copy link, and paste it.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





josh04 posted:

Yeah, no-ones saying Hagrid isn't cool, or that Tom Bombadil isn't cool, dw.

Tom Bombadil isn't cool.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Edgar Allen Ho posted:

Can somebody with plat start a poll re: Tom Bombadil being cool

https://www.strawpoll.me/42853992

No need to use the forums for the poll.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





josh04 posted:

why didn't voldemort, whose entire character was refusing to die, come back as a ghost? hassling harry all the way through cursed child or w/e?

He was too stupid to throw a baby out of a window. You think he's smart enough to make himself a ghost?

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Edgar Allen Ho posted:

Dumbledore is god the father, Harry is the son, and snakes are evil. Harry's parents were christian according to their graves.

e: ignoring the wizard hitler poo poo, the main dispute between the good guys and bad guys is acceptance of mortality vs flailing against it

So why is the Dumbledore cabal named after the phoenix, whose main power is coming back from the dead? Seems like the death eaters would be the ones to adopt the phoenix as their symbol.

The pheonix has to die first. Death eaters dont' want to do that part.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





ungulateman posted:

he gets written out of every movie because he doesn't matter, most prominently in the first one where drops a ball and then gets clowned on right before the climax with no context because they removed all of his other scenes

Wasn't he in every single movie?

Also, new page so gonna relink this so we get a totally scientifically useful pool of votes.

https://www.strawpoll.me/42853992

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Barudak posted:

Every single inhabitant of the Shire except maybe Sam has all the morality and conviction of the average Harry Potter wizard; they're awful people and probably hate trans folk.

If you think about it, because Tom couldn't give two fucks about the entire world, he hated ALL folk.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Sydin posted:

Exactly, Harry would never stoop so low as to cast evil fire! He only uses some light dark magic, like the cold blooded torture spell that only works if you power it with a sadistic want to hurt another. Multiple times.

Are you kidding me? He knows exactly one spell and it's the one that knocks people's wands out of their hands.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Zesty posted:

I'd just write off anything developed by those chucklefucks and if it happens to be good, it'll be a crazy wild surprise.

Look at this fool who's never played Stardew Valley. Like an idiot.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Well fine now I'M the idiot cause apparently I bought it in the Chucklefish times cause every time i started it i'd get the chucklefish intro.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





reignofevil posted:

Harry being rich as poo poo always was kinda weird to me because he never does anything with any of it besides I guess buying a fancy broom.

He could just drop a small chunk of his fortune and improve the life of his best friend's family, who took him in and treated him with love and kindness the likes of which he'd never seen, with a snap.

Never does.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Aardvark! posted:

oh my god the yumboes are known for stealing things and disappearing

It seems the claim is that they're based on the myths of Yumboes where are an actual myth from the Wolof people of what is now Senegal. They would steal corn from humans.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Wonder if Bellatrix was JKR's write in.

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





josh04 posted:

Plus Fred and George fairly openly think Harry is cooler than their brother Ron, the cop.

Isn't harry a cop?

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





FunkyAl posted:

No jokey 2000s era something awful

Do you think JKR has stairs in her house?

CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





Is there some magical excel spreadsheet just floating in the teacher's heads all the time that they can all tell moment to moment how many points each house has?

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CainFortea
Oct 15, 2004





The sheriff from stranger things just punching his way through death eaters is the crossover hp content I'd like.

"This idiot couldn't even kill a baby and ya'all just let him take over your whole world"

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