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It was a warm spring day in London, and in Buckingham Palace, the Queen had just finished an exquisite English breakfast in the Queen's Breakfast Room. She excused herself from the table, and made her way to her favorite lavatory on the first floor, next to the Crimson Drawing Room. It was her favorite because there was a small window that afforded her a view of the garden, and during this time of year, the daffodils and narcissi were in full bloom. She closed the door behind her, and locked it with the turnkey that her mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother had used before her. It was always a humbling moment realizing that generations of her family had walked these halls, run their hands down the bannisters, and unloaded their biggest poops down these hallowed pipes. She doffed her hat, a lime-green number with a brooch she had saved from last Easter, and hung it with care on the vanity. Approaching the golden-clad toilet, she hiked up her dress, pulled down her panties, and with an audible grunt, rested her buttocks on the ivory colored toilet seat. Prrrrrrttttt, said her bum. Pooooft, it continued. The Queen's cheeks grew red, as she strained with effort. Pffffffffffffoooop, her bum replied. A small almond colored bit of turd poked out of her bottom, her sphincter caressing it with a warm and loving grip. The turd continued out of her rear end in a top hat, showing streaks of macaroon toffee and a fleck of corn, most likely from a corn chowder from the other day. Her rear end in a top hat closed suddenly, lopping off the top half of the fecal bullet, falling into the water. It made a splash, and the water journeyed upward into an arc, briefly fingering her rosy butthole. She winced, not expecting the cold and wet hello. She relaxed, breathing deeply, and let her rear end in a top hat unclench. A warm, toffee-colored stream of yesterday's dinner followed, like a small locomotive of poop that burrowed out of her rear end in a top hat. "Choo choo!" she exclaimed, letting it run its course, and not interrupting it like she had the last section of feces. Feeling like she had dumped all of her dumps, she grabbed a fistful of toilet paper, and smeared it across her rear end, dropping it into the water below. After a few cycles of this, she examined the paper to make sure there were no burnt sienna offerings left. She hiked up her panties, smoothed her dress down, and grabbed her hat. "Well, it's back to running the country," she thought, and walked out of the bathroom without flushing or washing her hands.
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Apr 10, 2020 22:23
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 10:02 |
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truly, the story for our times.
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Apr 10, 2020 22:25
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roachfiend posted:walked out of the bathroom without flushing or washing her hands. What a twist!
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Apr 10, 2020 22:26
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Go on...
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Apr 10, 2020 22:30
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Ez8 posted:Go on...
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Apr 10, 2020 22:33
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roachfiend posted:Prrrrrrttttt, said her bum. Pooooft, it continued. The most majestic work ever put to paper, anywhere. Toilet or otherwise.
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Apr 10, 2020 22:37
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i do not poop
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Apr 10, 2020 22:45
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Windows 98 posted:i do not poop I knew a guy when I was a kid who suffered from something called fecal hoarding. He’d avoid making GBS threads for long, long periods of time, apparently because his mom was a bitch. I dont see the connection, but he constantly smelled bad due to fecal leakage, and his doctor recommended family therapy for them all. It was decided (by his mom) that Prozac and laxatives would be much less difficult for her and her husband. I really hope he isn’t reading this. If you’re reading this, love you man, you know we’re brothers forever.
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Apr 10, 2020 22:56
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Nigmaetcetera posted:I knew a guy when I was a kid who suffered from something called fecal hoarding. He’d avoid making GBS threads for long, long periods of time, apparently because his mom was a bitch. I dont see the connection, but he constantly smelled bad due to fecal leakage, and his doctor recommended family therapy for them all. It was decided (by his mom) that Prozac and laxatives would be much less difficult for her and her husband. I really hope he isn’t reading this. If you’re reading this, love you man, you know we’re brothers forever. we actually ARE brothers I asked you not to talk about this
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Apr 10, 2020 22:57
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Big Beef City posted:we actually ARE brothers I asked you not to talk about this We need family therapy.
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Apr 10, 2020 22:59
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this mornings poop just slid out nice-n-easy. eat your fibrous veggies kids
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Apr 10, 2020 23:00
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Apr 10, 2020 23:41
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*sometimes
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Apr 10, 2020 23:48
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I wouldn't know, I try to mind my own business
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Apr 11, 2020 00:58
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Literally squeezing one out as I write this post OP
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Apr 11, 2020 01:08
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That was the most engaging poop story I've heard in a while. The royalty flair was a nice change of pace from your average poop story. 8.4/10 This has been fecal Herbert at htttp://geocities.com/goodfecalfiction/herbstales/1146 signing off!
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Apr 11, 2020 01:25
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I bet the Queen’s poops smell just absolutely horrendous
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Apr 12, 2020 17:12
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Tea and crumpets The Royal butt trumpets House of Windsor Majestic terroir Our grand old Dame Filth'r o' tha Thames
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Apr 12, 2020 17:23
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Hey dickheads, they call it POO in England, not POOP loving hell
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Apr 12, 2020 17:40
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BIG FAT SHITS
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Apr 12, 2020 17:45
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Chinatown posted:this mornings poop just slid out nice-n-easy. eat your fibrous veggies kids My eats-nothing-but-carbohydrates-and-dairy wife? It's more like a 15 minute affair and hemmoroids for days.
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Apr 12, 2020 18:06
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Is a cloaca poo poo really a poo poo
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Apr 12, 2020 18:13
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I dont OP
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Apr 12, 2020 18:35
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It was Willy Bum Bum but it insisted on selling something so gently caress it.
A Grand Egg fucked around with this message at 18:47 on Apr 12, 2020 |
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Apr 12, 2020 18:45
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGi6lpib-rU
A Grand Egg fucked around with this message at 18:53 on Apr 12, 2020 |
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Apr 12, 2020 18:47
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just finished pooping, about to wipe
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Apr 12, 2020 22:53
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Nobody poops like goons poop though, that’s for sure
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Apr 12, 2020 23:06
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I hope one day we solve the problem of pooping so that not one of us ever has to poop again.
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Apr 13, 2020 00:25
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I never want to stop pooping actually
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Apr 13, 2020 00:27
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Just pooped, but now I’ve got some nasty post-poop gas. Probably a round two coming up.
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Apr 13, 2020 00:38
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Apr 13, 2020 01:14
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Honneur et Patrie 
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Cheesus posted:Add coffee to that mix and a removed gall bladder and you can literally have a fecal stew come out of there. I can't remember the last time I took even 5 minutes for any poo poo. i'm sorry about your fat constipated wife Right after my wife gave birth to our daughter she kept ordering comfort food from the hospital cafeteria (understandable, birthing sux). Mac & cheese for nearly every meal for a few days. The nurses were getting worried that she hadn't had a bowel movement since the c section so I convinced her to switch to bran flakes & veggies to get things moving again. Worked like a charm.
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Apr 13, 2020 01:29
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i haven't wiped my rear end with toilet paper in 6 weeks
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Apr 13, 2020 01:32
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About a year ago I was in town with my ex and we had a nice meal. My chicken seemed a little pink but not overly so and was thoroughly enjoyable. It was about forty minutes after the meal, as we were walking through town, that I realised I was going to poo poo very soon and wasn't going to be able to hold it back. Luckily, we were passing by a musem/gallery that had just opened and I'd been wanting to visit, so we quickly went in there. I left my ex to peruse the exhibitions whilst I located the restrooms. Once safely inside, hubris almost got the better of me. Perhaps I was trying to reassure myself I was in control of the situation, but I decided to take my time a little and ensure everything was in order, the toilet paper was well-stocked and even to remove my hoodie as it was a warm afternoon and I wanted to blast rear end in comfort. My body then decided to take back control of affairs and I suddenly became aware that I was starting to poo poo whilst still fully clothed. I somehow managed to unfasten my belt and jeans, pull them down and point my rear end towards the toilet before unleashing an explosion of liquid poo poo. For the first time in my adult life, I was standing, slightly bent at the waist, simply firing an uncontrolled volley of poo poo into the unknown void behind me. For a moment, I was elated. But I knew my position was unsustainable and braced myself for the worst as I sat on the toilet and continued to noisily unload. As I mentioned this was happening in a recently-opened museum, you might be picturing a nicely appointed, comfortingly sterile bathroom. This wasn't the case however, as the museum was located within the town's old courthouse, beneath which were the historically preserved cells that housed prisoners awaiting trial, some of which had been converted into restrooms. So instead of being in a reassuringly generic cubicle, I was sweating and making GBS threads heavily inside a cramped, rough brick cell that had held numerous condemned souls over the last century. They hadn't been particularly choosy about which cells to convert, not picking ones that were tucked away or perhaps at the end of a corridor. This was on the main tourist thoroughfare, populated by happy families experiencing the joy of historical education, exploring the low-ceilinged detention area. It was rather dark in the corridors, but the toilet was well-lit. This had the effect of negating much of the privacy afforded by the sizeable panel of frosted glass in the toilet door, presenting an illuminated picture of what was taking place within to the many passers-by I could observe. Once I had finished and cleaned up, I stood and turned to survey the situation. I'd coated the underside of the lid with poo poo and got some on top of the cistern as well; during the time I'd taken finishing it had run down and collected in the back of the seat, in between the hinges where the lid and seat connected. I couldn't in good conscience leave the scene of the crime like that, so set about with toilet paper and water to clean up as best I could. When I was finished, everything at least appeared in order, but was in reality still deeply unsanitary. And that's about it, no twist ending and I didn't actually poo poo myself, it was just a thoroughly unpleasant experience that I thought I'd share with you all.
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Apr 13, 2020 01:51
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Remember how old TV shows used to have "Filmed before a live studio audience" in text at the bottom at the beginning, and they were so proud to announce that fact, that what they'd filmed and were showing you was really acted out and being observed by a live studio audience who in turn was laughing and applauding? When the museum was broadcasting what happened to you in that stall that day, live, to the rest of their patrons and later on the local news, they had the chyron at the bottom as well. It was a hell of an installment peace.
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Apr 13, 2020 02:29
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Soooooometimes.
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Apr 13, 2020 02:30
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sudonim posted:What a twist! A power move.
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Apr 13, 2020 02:42
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Tom Gorman posted:i haven't wiped my rear end with toilet paper in 6 weeks I haven’t had a bowel movement that wasn’t more blood than stool in probably three weeks. I think that means I win. Edit: Ive spoken to a doctor about it, this is not a new thing or an emergency so please dont try to warn me. I just need to drink less wine and eat more fiber. Nigmaetcetera fucked around with this message at 03:03 on Apr 13, 2020 |
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Apr 13, 2020 03:00
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Be more gentle with the toys
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Apr 13, 2020 03:02
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bird with big dick posted:Be more gentle with the toys Skeletor and He-Man must battle until one is defeated, or both attain cosmic apotheosis through the rite of mutual-annihilation, becoming each others complimentary deity. I need to smoke more weed now.
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Apr 13, 2020 03:08
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