ITT we are bud tenders making shit up as we go

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Pahilla the Hun: Thinking about making a post

Think about it, make a post

DOPE FIEND KILLA G posted:

the weed dealer who is holding my daughter hostage: [over the phone] smoke this if you ever want to see your daughter again

this was from that movie Bakin'

thanks nesamdoom!!

pizzaz plarpin perfect! thanks Tebulot!

# ? Apr 27, 2020 16:13

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 26, 2024 00:44

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

Finger Prince posted:

(a customer walks in the door.)
Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Weed Emporium!
Customer: Ah thank you my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herrys' by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all frazzled.
O: Frazzled, sir?
C: Overburdened.
O: Eh?
C: 'Ee I were all 'anxious-like!
O: Ah, anxious!
C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little dried cannabis flower will do the trick', so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some dank combustibles!
O: Come again?
C: I want to buy some weed.
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the DJ!
C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
O: Sorry?
C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tune, 'yer forced to!
O: So he can go on playing, can he?
C: Most certainly! Now then, some weed please, my good man.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a little Tangerine Dream.
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of Tangerine Dream, sir.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Jack Herer?
O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Girl Scout Cookies, if you please.
O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Chocolope?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: OG Kush?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
C: Ah. MK Ultra?
O: Sorry.
C: AK47? Hindu Kush?
O: No.
C: Any Cannatonic, per chance?
O: No.
C: Thai?
O: No.
C: Sour Diesel?
O: No.
C: NYC Diesel?
O: No.
C: Blueberry?
O: No.
C: Bubblegum?
O: (pause) No.
C: Lemon Haze?
O: No.
C: Super Silver Haze?
O: No.
C: White Widow, White Rhino, Shishkaberry, Trainwreck, Amnesia, Nevill�s Haze, Pink Kush, Pineapple Express, Blue Dream, Maui Wowie?
O: No.
C: Jean Guy, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have Jean Guy, yessir.
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It's ah... it's a bit dry.
C: Oh, I like it dry.
O: Well,.. It's very dry, actually, sir.
C: No matter. Fetch hither l'herbe de la Belle Provence! Mmmwah!
O: I...think it's a bit drier than you'll like it, sir.
C: I don't care how loving dry it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)
C: What now?
O: The cat's eaten it.
C: (pause) Has he?
O: She, sir.
(pause)
C: Wappa?
O: No.
C: Freezeland?
O: No.
C: Chemdawg?
O: No.
C: Strawberry Cough?
O: No.
C: Alaskan Thunder gently caress?
O: No sir.
C: You... do have some weed, don't you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a weed shop, sir. We've got-
C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Uuuuuh, Allen Wrench.
O: Yes?
C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Allen Wrench, that's my name.
(pause)
C: Durban Poison?
O: Uh, not as such.
C: Uuh, Gelato?
O: No
C: Plushberry?
O: No
C: Tangie?
O: No
C: Kali Mist?
O: No
C: Dutch Treat?
O: No
C: Mendocino Purps?
O: No
C: Mexican Ditch Weed?
O: Not -today-, sir, no.
(pause)
C: Aah, how about Northern Lights?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular strain in the world!
O: Not 'round here, sir.
C: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular weed 'round hyah?
O: Skunk, sir.
C: IS it.
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire.
C: Is it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Uuh... Skunk, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' He asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It's not much of a weed shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district sir!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by weed.
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Laughing Buddah, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be.
C: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY DUB REGGAE OFF!
O: Told you sir...
C: (slowly) Have you got any Laughing Buddah?
O: No.
C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place....... Tell me:
O: Yessir?
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any weed here at all?
O: Yes,sir.
C: Really?
(pause)
O: No. Not really, sir.
C: You haven't.
O: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
O: Right-0, sir.
(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the shopkeeper)
C: What a senseless waste of human life.

lmao

# ? Apr 27, 2020 16:14

Gene Hackman Fan: by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

clerk: yeah, so we've got black medic, dodders, common couch, mouse ears, mallow; of course nobody ever went wrong with a classic dandelion here and there.

customer: i think one of us has misunderstood the word 'weed.'

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Apr 27, 2020 17:12

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

customer: so what strains do you have
me: well, let's see... ive got some dank hammernugz, kushfinder general, blue albatross, and.. uh... devils breakfast
customer: huh.. so does any of those have particularly high cbd ratio?
me, not understanding a word: oh yeah! sure, the kushfinder general is loaded with that. great chemical balance!
customer: sure ill take five grams of that then
*i hand him a bag with whatever i had in my pocket*

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Apr 27, 2020 19:26

Randy Travesty: PHANTOM QUEEN

Nosfereefer posted:

customer: so what strains do you have
me: well, let's see... ive got some dank hammernugz, kushfinder general, blue albatross, and.. uh... devils breakfast
customer: huh.. so does any of those have particularly high cbd ratio?
me, not understanding a word: oh yeah! sure, the kushfinder general is loaded with that. great chemical balance!
customer: sure ill take five grams of that then
*i hand him a bag with whatever i had in my pocket*

# ? Apr 27, 2020 19:28

Randy Travesty: PHANTOM QUEEN

customer: can you tell me any strains with high myrcene and linalool?

budtender, furiously rubbing dryer sheets on some regulars: my man

# ? Apr 27, 2020 19:28

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

*the sharply dressed clerk inside the coffee shop is meticulously sorting differently labelled containers*

*at the back, several burly cockney porters are unloading pallets simply marked "weed"*

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Apr 27, 2020 19:32

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

"i think ill have two grams of purple kush"
"there be no purple kush around here!" the bud tender sneers "in jeff's coffee shop, you'll have what jeff smokes - an honest fishermans bud!"
"well, lets have some of that then"
*shouts to the storage* "TWO MAGGOT REGS!"

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Apr 27, 2020 20:00

Randy Travesty: PHANTOM QUEEN

Nosfereefer posted:

*the sharply dressed clerk inside the coffee shop is meticulously sorting differently labelled containers*

*at the back, several burly cockney porters are unloading pallets simply marked "weed"*

# ? Apr 27, 2020 21:36

nut

customer: id like something heady with botanicals, a powerful body high with a respectable cbd content

me: sir, this is a Starbucks

customer: no...no it�s not

# ? Apr 27, 2020 22:33

DOPE FIEND KILLA G

me: got anything with large nugs?
bud tender: we got tall nugs and we got venti nugs

# ? Apr 27, 2020 22:42

okiedoke: I am the Doke to the Okie

Bud tender with "No Worries" tattooed across their forehead.

# ? Apr 28, 2020 00:43

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

budtender: "ok, that's 28.34 for 2 grams of oG Kush.... would you like some clean needles with that, or...?"

# ? Apr 28, 2020 00:46

Randy Travesty: PHANTOM QUEEN

budtender: we got sour lemon haze, og kush, grape ape, and hippie crippler cartridges in full grams for $60. we also have gorilla glue, grape ape, mimosa and grandma's cookies in half grams for $35.

customer: what's grandma's cookies?

budtender: it's a cookies cross of gsc blue cut and odb kush.

customer: what's odb kush? you mean og kush?

budtender: nah, odb kush is a mother indica strain originating out of the wu-t'ng region of pakistan.

customer: word?

budtender: yeah, it's fire.

# ? Apr 28, 2020 02:07

DOPE FIEND KILLA G

one budtender only tells the truth. one budtender only tells lies. the riddle is what one question do you ask both of them to make syre you get absolutely greened the gently caress out tonight

# ? Apr 28, 2020 02:16

DOPE FIEND KILLA G

i walk into my local dispensary here in the giza plateu and am greeted by none other than our most feared and powerful budtender, the mighty sphinx herself. if i wish to partake in the smoking of the herb, she tells me, i must answer her terrible riddle, and should i answer wrong i'll be vaped in an instant.

"and should i answer correct?"

"i'll let you BOGO on an oz. of purp"

"i accept."

the sphinx laughs, "okay then," and flashes an evil grin. "who smokes 4 blunts in the morning, 2 joints at noon, and 3 fatty dabs by the evening?"

i gulp. "i dunno. s-snoop dog?"

the sphinx ponders my answer for a moment

"okay i'll allow it"

# ? Apr 28, 2020 02:34

wearing a lampshade

SOME budtenders had brought a bong for exhibition and placed it in a dank house. Crowds of people were going into that dank place to see the bong. Finding that ocular inspection was impossible, each visitor felt it with his palm in the darkness.
            The palm of one fell on the bowl.
            ‘This bong is like a water-spout,’ he said.
            Another put his hand on the top of the tube. To him the rim was evidently like a vase.
            Another rubbed against its tube.
            ‘I found the bong’s shape is like a pillar,’ he said.
            Another laid his hand on its base.
            ‘Certainly this bong was like a throne,’ he said.
The stoned eye is just like the palm of the hand. The palm has not the means of covering the whole of the bong.
The eye of the Sea is one thing and the foam another. Let the foam go, and gaze with the eye of the Sea. Day and night foam-flecks are flung from the sea: of amazing! You behold the foam but not the Sea. We are like boats dashing together; our eyes are darkened, yet we are in bong water.

# ? Apr 28, 2020 06:46

Yinlock

Nosfereefer posted:

*the sharply dressed clerk inside the coffee shop is meticulously sorting differently labelled containers*

*at the back, several burly cockney porters are unloading pallets simply marked "weed"*

# ? Apr 28, 2020 07:37

Yinlock

nut posted:

customer: id like something heady with botanicals, a powerful body high with a respectable cbd content

me: sir, this is a Starbucks

customer: no...no it’s not

the weed sommelier

# ? Apr 28, 2020 07:38

Yinlock

ah Sonic The Dankhog '03, a fine vintage

# ? Apr 28, 2020 07:39

owlhawk911: come chill with me, in byob

albany academy posted:

SOME budtenders had brought a bong for exhibition and placed it in a dank house. Crowds of people were going into that dank place to see the bong. Finding that ocular inspection was impossible, each visitor felt it with his palm in the darkness.
            The palm of one fell on the bowl.
            ‘This bong is like a water-spout,’ he said.
            Another put his hand on the top of the tube. To him the rim was evidently like a vase.
            Another rubbed against its tube.
            ‘I found the bong’s shape is like a pillar,’ he said.
            Another laid his hand on its base.
            ‘Certainly this bong was like a throne,’ he said.
The stoned eye is just like the palm of the hand. The palm has not the means of covering the whole of the bong.
The eye of the Sea is one thing and the foam another. Let the foam go, and gaze with the eye of the Sea. Day and night foam-flecks are flung from the sea: of amazing! You behold the foam but not the Sea. We are like boats dashing together; our eyes are darkened, yet we are in bong water.

https://giant.gfycat.com/PlasticAngryHousefly.webm
_{this sig a mf'n vanisher joint. gobbos by khanstant}

# ? Apr 28, 2020 08:12

Queen-Of-Hearts: "I want to break your heart💔 and give you mine🫀"

DOPE FIEND KILLA G posted:

one budtender only tells the truth. one budtender only tells lies. the riddle is what one question do you ask both of them to make syre you get absolutely greened the gently caress out tonight

"Is it true you only sell ditchweed that wont even get me high?"

:h: sig by Prof. Crocodile :h:
:byodame: BYOB spells: Mutually Assured Kindness

# ? Apr 28, 2020 17:10

Randy Travesty: PHANTOM QUEEN

Six-Of-Hearts posted:

"Is it true you only sell ditchweed that wont even get me high?"

# ? Apr 29, 2020 22:27

Bacon Taco: Now with extra narwhal meat!
HAIKOOLIGAN

If you want something to relax, you want some indica. Have you tried this Purple OG Triple Kush? It's Purple Kush crossed with OG Kush crossed with Kush to get back to that real single strain Kush effect.

# ? Apr 30, 2020 00:13

magic cactus: We lied. We are not at war. There is no enemy. This is a rescue operation.

"Lemme try this uhhh..... Twist of The North Star"

Budtender (subtitled): You are already blazed

Thanks to Saoshyant for the amazing spring '23 sig!

# ? Apr 30, 2020 18:31

Randy Travesty: PHANTOM QUEEN

magic cactus posted:

"Lemme try this uhhh..... Twist of The North Star"

Budtender (subtitled): You are already blazed

lmao

# ? Apr 30, 2020 18:39

wearing a lampshade

magic cactus posted:

"Lemme try this uhhh..... Twist of The North Star"

Budtender (subtitled): You are already blazed

Lol

# ? Apr 30, 2020 22:04

Pahilla the Hun: Thinking about making a post

Think about it, make a post

customer: hello sir i am looking to purchase weed for to get high
me: here is the snoop dogg collection

thanks nesamdoom!!

pizzaz plarpin perfect! thanks Tebulot!

# ? May 5, 2020 20:30

Trollipop: hippin and hoppin

got 5 dollar pre rolls, this stuff is the really terpy derpy terpentine purpy crystalline, it's pretty dank, and this other stuff here called uhhhh dog poo poo and, uh, weeed :420:

# ? May 6, 2020 04:55

Trollipop: hippin and hoppin

kindly tends kind buds to my kind buds, only the dankest, always the stankest, stay elevated fam, let's get lifted, high, red eyed . it's good grass my dude *passes bowl actually filled with grass*

# ? May 6, 2020 04:58

The Cockler: by Fluffdaddy

"yeah, they call this slug weed... yeah, because its got slugs in it"

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? May 6, 2020 10:23

Finger Prince

Oh I don't know, I don't actually smoke weed. They just had a sign on the door that they were hiring.

# ? May 6, 2020 12:55

Chrs

this strain is worth �5 more than the regular street price because its so good

# ? May 6, 2020 13:11

Chrs

swear down this strain won the gold prize in the canabis cup in amsterdam last year it is premium weed

# ? May 6, 2020 13:16

Escape From Noise

This buff nugz will feel like a post exercise chicken nuggies binge

# ? May 6, 2020 16:53

nut

i dip mine in plum sauce but some heathens like sweet chili

# ? May 6, 2020 17:26

Escape From Noise

nut posted:

i dip mine in plum sauce but some heathens like sweet chili

Chinese mustard or GTFO

# ? May 6, 2020 17:30

Pahilla the Hun: Thinking about making a post

Think about it, make a post

hey Sharky, this guy on the phone wants to know if we sell pre-filled bongs...............do we?

thanks nesamdoom!!

pizzaz plarpin perfect! thanks Tebulot!

# ? May 6, 2020 17:35

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

Customer: Hello, do you have a menu?

Budtender: Sure, here you go! Please read this out loud!

Customer: Uh...

Budtender: Go on, it's alright.

Customer: Ok... "Mother mother gently caress, mother mother gently caress..." are you sure I have to do this?

Budtender: **sitting down and leaning back** No, seriously it's alright; go on

Customer: Mother gently caress, mother gently caress, noish noish noish- One, two, one two three four noish noish noish noish. Smokin weed smokin whizz doin coke drinkin beers drinkin beers beers beers. Rollin fatties, smokin blunts. Whos smokes blunts? We smoke blunts. Rollin blunts and smokin...

# ? May 6, 2020 17:43

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 00:44

Escape From Noise

Me: So uh... how's this strain? The "Wendy's Breakfast Redux."

Budtender: Oh it's...*looks at phone under the counter* the best breakfast you'll ever have. Guaranteed.*

_{_{*Some restrictions apply}}

# ? May 6, 2020 18:01

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > ITT we are bud tenders making shit up as we go

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