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PookBear
Nov 1, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 18 hours!


Shortly after I got out of the military I got a phonecall from a friend offering me a job as a PMC for a job in Somalia. I was curious about it as he said it paid well, but this friend had gotten kicked without ever deploying so I was also apprehensive. I said I was interested and he invited me into a facebook group chat.

What I found was comedic collection of gently caress ups. Now I normally don't try to cast aspersions at the service of others. I was never an amazing marine. But nearly everyone in this chat had been kicked out for being fat or some other problem and the leader of the whole thing is a furry/brony that got kicked out for being a bed pisser gently caress up. Of those that actually did a full contract I don't think any were deployed.

Long story short a brony that got kicked out of the marines convinced a group of other marines that had gotten kicked out as well that he could get them a PMC contract in somalia

https://pastebin.com/JBCV3PN2

Its stupid loving long and I'm going to be pulling out the funny parts today, but I suggest you get drunk or high and gaze into the depths of this insanity. I've sat on this for seven years because I knew a lot of the people in here and didn't want to make it public in case they actually did manage to go overseas but thankfully no one ever hired them to the best of my knowledge.

edit: I was inspired to post this due to the hilarious dumb pay of pigs attempt in Venezuela to illustrate that yes people of the military are that dumb

Mr Orange
Hi all. Mr White called me and asked me to post this. There might be some tactical / merc work out of Somalia. This is high risk, but the money should be good (if it isn't we won't bid). We're going for $50,000 for a six month tour or $100,000 for one year per operator at minimum. This will be protection / missions against militants and the risk is high. Let us know if your interested, if the money and details are good, ship out could be 30 days after the bid. If the risk is too great it will be a no-go. We'll keep you all posted as we find out more details.

PookBear fucked around with this message at 22:20 on May 5, 2020

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Mr. Nice!
Oct 13, 2005



Nap Ghost

eagerly awaiting snippits because I don't have time to read all of that right now at the office.

Slim Pickens
Jan 12, 2007



Grimey Drawer

Did you change all their names to reservoir dog names or did they do that to look cool?

Time Crisis Actor
Apr 28, 2002


I sexually identify as a fat tinder girl,

Yeah lemme just clean my pannus first.

These candles smell amazing btw


This is difficult to read through

PookBear
Nov 1, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 18 hours!


Slim Pickens posted:

Did you change all their names to reservoir dog names or did they do that to look cool?

I did, I edited out any real names

PookBear
Nov 1, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 18 hours!


Mr. Nice! posted:

eagerly awaiting snippits because I don't have time to read all of that right now at the office.

Mr Orange
R156-63a-603. Operating Standards - Content of Approved Basic Education and Training
Program for Armed and Unarmed Private Security Officers.
Mr White
We are working on a contract in Africa, another in Canada for Tactical Operations.
You will then be hired on a Per Contract basis
Mr Yellow
I have not put together a long gun yet, i was thinking of an FN Ballista in 300 win mag or a Sako TRG42 in 300 win mag
Mr White
No details are able to be released at this time.
Not sure of usefulness, but also have M1 Carbine with 2 30 round and 4 15 round mags.


there isn't really one thing that jumps out as funny, its more the entire concept. They keep posting links on how to get certified as an unarmed security guard in Utah and think that qualifies them to do PMC work in Somalia. They also keep posting about what guns they own and how they're looking into buying a loving mortar system while posting about how they're putting together a mosin sniper rifle.

Literally no one in that chat made e-4 or higher, deployed, or finished their enlistment. Its a bunch of lance corporals and under that got kicked out that are trying to start a merc company led by a bed pisser furry.

Mr yellow doesn't even contribute to anything he just chimes in constantly to talk about his scar he bought as if you just get on a plane to somalia with your scar in a carry on.

PookBear
Nov 1, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 18 hours!


Mr Orange
Hi all, just an update. Mr White and I discussed the armed position a little more today and I wanted to share the discussion with you as I incorporate this into the manual. We discussed security officer owned vs. company provided side arms for the armed position. We are going with security officer owned initially and might revisit this later on. The reason being is control of the firearm. If the security officer owns their own weapon, then they can take it home once they get off work instead of returning it to an armory at the end of their shift. This in turn will eliminate the officer having to check a weapon in and out daily and having to have another person supervise this activity. As such we will be requiring all officers to purchase their own weapon. Now, if someone can't afford a weapon, we'll supply one that will be paid for by the officer through payroll deductions over a period of time until paid off. Maybe $100 a month. Depending upon the state the type of firearm might be restricted to a few choices, however for our initial state of Utah there isn't much restriction. As a company policy the following will be the standard for armed guards (non-tactical).
Semi-Auto - 9mm of the Beretta, Sig, or S&W brands. FN 5.7, H&K USP .45 or Springfield .45 1911 tactical for tactical members.
Revolvers - 38 Cal of Rugger or S&W brands,
Rifles and Shotguns - These will be based upon certain requirements by the state and the needs of the client. These will be issued by the company and maintained at the work site in a secured lockup or issued through the central office. Most likely an AR-15 or FN SCAR and Remington 870 tactical.
Ammunition - Ammo will consist of non-piecing frangible rounds, unless specified by the contract. The company will provide the initial rounds being three full magazines.
Maintenance of weapons - Weapon inspections will be conducted quarterly.
Qualifications - Conducted bi-annual with five shots from five, ten, and fifteen yards each. Quals will be based on grouping and points. An officer may make two attempts. Tactical quals will be different to include the rifle and shotgun.

Mr White
Here is the BASIC list of job types for Redacted.

I am currently putting our ROE Proposal together.
I do not believe the "Don't fire on unless shot at".
I DO believe in, hit the bad guy, not the civvies.

Mr. Nice!
Oct 13, 2005



Nap Ghost

One of them is going to post on the_donald, catch jr's eye, and then we'll get to see them get arrested by Maduro's men.

ManMythLegend
Aug 18, 2003

I don't believe in anything, I'm just here for the violence.


lol I just got to the part where he's telling these guys that they're going to get paid less than minimum wage and have to bring their own guns.

ManMythLegend
Aug 18, 2003

I don't believe in anything, I'm just here for the violence.


quote:

We're working very hard on this. It's not all happening overnight, but it's getting closer, like a Sakura beginning to bloom, we can see a small hint of what is to come.

loving

Milo and POTUS
Sep 3, 2017

I will not shut up about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I talk about them all the time and work them into every conversation I have. I built a shrine in my room for the yellow one who died because sadly no one noticed because she died around 9/11. Wanna see it?


Literally captain white's company from blood meridian

EBB
Feb 15, 2005

What, Me Worry?


Wanna be soldier of fortune types make for the most hilarious stories

PookBear
Nov 1, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 18 hours!


ManMythLegend posted:

lol I just got to the part where he's telling these guys that they're going to get paid less than minimum wage and have to bring their own guns.

Mr Orange
Hi all. Mr White called me and asked me to post this. There might be some tactical / merc work out of Somalia. This is high risk, but the money should be good (if it isn't we won't bid). We're going for $50,000 for a six month tour or $100,000 for one year per operator at minimum. This will be protection / missions against militants and the risk is high. Let us know if your interested, if the money and details are good, ship out could be 30 days after the bid. If the risk is too great it will be a no-go. We'll keep you all posted as we find out more details.

stevobob
Nov 16, 2008

Alchemy - the study of how to turn LS1's into a 20B.


Following this thread hoping for more delicious comedy stories

Comrade Blyatlov
Aug 4, 2007


should have picked four fingers

I'll take the job if they pay me in advance

pantslesswithwolves
Oct 27, 2008

Ba-dam ba-DUMMMMMM


Pillbug

So this “firm” was going to offer you the PMC equivalent of minimum wage to work in Somalia at the height of piracy and ask you to bring your own weapons? Only ~a SOF Marine~ would have the heart and guts to take that kind of job.

Mustang
Jun 18, 2006


Have you considered not attending the Captain's Career Course?


Who the gently caress takes a meager $100k "per operator" if "the risk is high"?

Nystral
Feb 6, 2002

Every man likes a pretty girl with him at a skeleton dance.

Lipstick Apathy

Mustang posted:

Who the gently caress takes a meager $100k "per operator" if "the risk is high"?

People who think $35K is a lot?

Nystral
Feb 6, 2002

Every man likes a pretty girl with him at a skeleton dance.

Lipstick Apathy

Stupid double post

PookBear
Nov 1, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 18 hours!


pantslesswithwolves posted:

So this “firm” was going to offer you the PMC equivalent of minimum wage to work in Somalia at the height of piracy and ask you to bring your own weapons? Only ~a SOF Marine~ would have the heart and guts to take that kind of job.



This is Mr White, the furry/brony marine that lasted a year before getting kicked out for psychological reasons such as being a bed pisser. Like we got told do not gently caress with him, he's going away, leave him be, or else because he is nuts.

Who then wanted to start his own merc company

Slim Pickens
Jan 12, 2007



Grimey Drawer

S&W and FiveseveN made the cut but not Glock

Better be tactical if you wanna carry a 1911, though

Burt
Sep 23, 2007

Poke.


Qualifications - Conducted bi-annual with five shots from five, ten, and fifteen yards each. Quals will be based on grouping and points. An officer may make two attempts. Tactical quals will be different to include the rifle and shotgun.

I have never shot any gun in my life, [other than a SMLE in the cadets at aged 15], but I feel super confident I could pass this qualification.

PookBear
Nov 1, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 18 hours!


Burt posted:

Qualifications - Conducted bi-annual with five shots from five, ten, and fifteen yards each. Quals will be based on grouping and points. An officer may make two attempts. Tactical quals will be different to include the rifle and shotgun.

I have never shot any gun in my life, [other than a SMLE in the cadets at aged 15], but I feel super confident I could pass this qualification.

yeah like this in and of itself isn't that funny until you realize this was the standard they were trying to hire for in order to recreate black hawk down in somalia

US Berder Patrol
Jul 11, 2006

I joined the Navy and all I got was this hideous paunch.


why do officers get an extra try? Why aren't they choosing more highly qualified candidates for leadership roles

ManMythLegend
Aug 18, 2003

I don't believe in anything, I'm just here for the violence.


US Berder Patrol posted:

why do officers get an extra try? Why aren't they choosing more highly qualified candidates for leadership roles

I believe they're referring to "Private Security Officers" as "officers" so it would apply to all of these chuckle fucks.

US Berder Patrol
Jul 11, 2006

I joined the Navy and all I got was this hideous paunch.


Ah, ok

The Rat
Aug 29, 2004

You will find no one to help you here. Beth DuClare has been dissected and placed in cryonic storage.


Mustang posted:

Who the gently caress takes a meager $100k "per operator" if "the risk is high"?

This was exactly my first though when reading this. At least as far as what I remember from salary ranges for contracting jobs in 2009-2013, that is poo poo pay for that kind of job.

US Berder Patrol
Jul 11, 2006

I joined the Navy and all I got was this hideous paunch.


I'm reading a brief walkthrough of how to load and fire an RPG-7, followed by discussion of whether they should buy LAWs "from Sweden".

Hello, Sweden? Yes, I would like to place an order for two cases of M72 Light Anti-Tank Weapons. They'll be shipping to Utah, so I'm sure that's no problem. Yes, I am an adult.

Wikipedia says they are produced in Arizona and Norway

Slim Pickens
Jan 12, 2007



Grimey Drawer

PookBear posted:

yeah like this in and of itself isn't that funny until you realize this was the standard they were trying to hire for in order to recreate black hawk down in somalia

Black hawk down is optimistic, this would be more like the blackwater bridge party

Jaguars!
Jul 31, 2012




Young Urchin

US Berder Patrol posted:

I'm reading a brief walkthrough of how to load and fire an RPG-7, followed by discussion of whether they should buy LAWs "from Sweden".

Hello, Sweden? Yes, I would like to place an order for two cases of M72 Light Anti-Tank Weapons. They'll be shipping to Utah, so I'm sure that's no problem. Yes, I am an adult.

Wikipedia says they are produced in Arizona and Norway

Probably thinking of the Carl Gustav? Which, well I think the image that evokes speaks for itself really

shame on an IGA
Apr 8, 2005



luv 2 needlessly have 4 different pistol cartridges in my logistics train to Somalia

e: I'm sure Five-seveN spare parts are easy to come by

shame on an IGA fucked around with this message at 15:33 on May 7, 2020

My Spirit Otter
Jun 15, 2006


CANADA DOESN'T GET PENS LIKE THIS

SKILCRAFT KREW Reppin' Quality Blind Made American Products. Bitch.

Jaguars! posted:

Probably thinking of the Carl Gustav? Which, well I think the image that evokes speaks for itself really

they were 100% thinking of the Carl g

US Berder Patrol
Jul 11, 2006

I joined the Navy and all I got was this hideous paunch.


Well I'm sure they have the kind of commitment and sensibilities towards safety and personnel reliability that a weapon system like the Goose demands

Nice and hot piss
Jan 31, 2004



Christ, I looked into PMC work with the big WPS II companies as a medic and was offered around $175k a year, and even then that was poo poo pay in comparison to what rates were 5 or so years ago.

Dude should have absolutely high balled the government for at least double that knowing their cosplay gear was on point.

Tyro
Nov 10, 2009


PookBear posted:

Mr Orange
Hi all. Mr White called me and asked me to post this. There might be some tactical / merc work out of Somalia. This is high risk, but the money should be good (if it isn't we won't bid). We're going for $50,000 for a six month tour or $100,000 for one year per operator at minimum. This will be protection / missions against militants and the risk is high. Let us know if your interested, if the money and details are good, ship out could be 30 days after the bid. If the risk is too great it will be a no-go. We'll keep you all posted as we find out more details.

This is loving hilarious

PookBear
Nov 1, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 18 hours!


Nice and hot piss posted:

Christ, I looked into PMC work with the big WPS II companies as a medic and was offered around $175k a year, and even then that was poo poo pay in comparison to what rates were 5 or so years ago.

Dude should have absolutely high balled the government for at least double that knowing their cosplay gear was on point.

yeah well you weren't kicked out after a year

Slim Pickens
Jan 12, 2007



Grimey Drawer

Dude's PMC makes silvercorp look like triple canopy

alpaca diseases
May 19, 2009



Mr White posted:

I've been up all night doing more research, and mother told me she is going to talk to the source today.

LtCol J. Krusinski
May 7, 2013


Slim Pickens posted:

Dude's PMC makes silvercorp look like triple canopy

Makes Silvercorp look like Triple Canopy who ultimately look like Clearencejobs.com

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Ugly In The Morning
Jul 1, 2010

Don't look at me-
I'm ugly in the morning
When the headaches gone
The sun is not.
Forgot to turn the alarm
On - on


Pillbug

It’s like a mercenary company made up of a bunch of clones of Abu Hajaar. I can’t wait to read more about their shenanigans.

E:the gun selection really feels like he pulled it almost entirely from whatever Tom Clancy game he was playing at the time.

Ugly In The Morning fucked around with this message at 23:58 on May 9, 2020

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