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nut


the internet of things is a revolutionary move in the technology cutting edge world. finally, after years of you asking for it, you got it.

the internet of things offers unprecedented access between your things. at last, my fridge can speak to my toilet, to ask it what itís like in the bathroom and how it feels have people pee in you. I turn to the camera and smile and say, it really changes what it means to log on

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nut


Iím in an important meeting at work you see I work in the economy (the electric conomy) and I get a text I look down and see that my Maytag is letting me know I have a medically unhealthy amount of nut milks

nut


Iím out with a very strong attractive woman who is telling me roller derby is the future of sport I am in love I think my alarm clock calls to tell me my neighbour is muttering about killing me again

nut


target is having a special on wire brushed frames that will tell your nest if the pH in the room is too basic. the nest, which contains a non-functional microphone, will chart changes in ambient acidity in the nsa cloud to let them know if you are baking cookies or crystal meth

nut


my toilet seat: good morning sire, I do believe you have lost some weight

me: *lifts my legs off the ground*

my toilet seat: lmao never mind

nut


me to my millions of viewers: it may hold the holy scriptures and the meaning of life and the universe, but will it blend?

my blender: it is going to blend


me: you ruin everything

barfdog




getting quite concerned that my microwave keeps encouraging me to cook rather than microwave things. who do i call about this? tech support? is there such a thing as a microwave therapist?

Finger Prince

"I think he's watching us..."

"No, it's just the Mountain Peeks."
(Source)


My kid, away at uni in another state, logs into our Nest and turns the thermostat up 2 degrees.

Me, working overseas on a long term contract, getting a notification, slightly annoyed, turns it back down.

An hour later up the temperature goes again, 3 degrees.

Now I'm getting angry. I turn it back down and send a message to their fridge to shout "STOP SCREWING AROUND! love dad" on its huge display screen.

"it wasn't me!" pings my phone, as I watch the thermostat rise four degrees.

Furious now, I turn it back down and change the admin settings, locking everyone out but me. I smile smugly into my phone.

An hour later I get a message from my tenant saying there's something wrong with the thermostat. They tried adjusting it but it keeps resetting to the default setting.

barfdog




made the mistake of saying i hate the song "barbie girl" around my fridge and now it's trolling me by playing it full volume every time a guest comes around

nut


my toilet won't stop moaning despite the mute function

barfdog




my wife's IoT vibrator consistently berates us both for being perverted

Finger Prince

"I think he's watching us..."

"No, it's just the Mountain Peeks."
(Source)


My wife's name is Alexa.

nut


finally, email for my things

nut


checking my roomba data to see what rooms I shed the most in. sharing my findings on twitter

Finger Prince

"I think he's watching us..."

"No, it's just the Mountain Peeks."
(Source)


My Roomba has its own twitter account that it uses to passive-aggressively complain about what a slovenly mess I am.

City of Glompton




me: microwave, please tell fridge i am sorry for not listening to her food spoilage notifications, it was an accident to let that spinach turn to goo, and i feel very bad about it!

microwave: refrigerator says she accepts your apology, but phone told her you ordered pizza for dinner, so you are still grounded from opening the freezer drawer. ice cream will keep but according to fitbit, your health will not.





thank you vanisher!

Heather Papps


hello internet friend




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BB6wj6RyKo


thanks everyone for posting, but six and vanisher especially!!!

super sweet best pal


My lightbulb has more followers than I do.

Finger Prince

"I think he's watching us..."

"No, it's just the Mountain Peeks."
(Source)



Grandpa, what was it like living in the 20's?

barfdog




my toaster keeps bringing kettles it met on tinder around and i have to awkwardly shuffle through the kitchen to avoid them every god drat morning

Heather Papps


hello internet friend




Finger Prince posted:

Grandpa, what was it like living in the 20's?

it was real hard, switching from "how many X does it take to change a lightbulb" to "how many X does it take to reboot a lightbulb." also, there was a bad cold going around i think. eat your nutrient paste please


thanks everyone for posting, but six and vanisher especially!!!

nut


Iíve been getting robbed a lot more since my door started screaming that it was unlocked

nut


but honestly itís a global village and Iíve never get more connected

Heather Papps


hello internet friend




my aibo and my fridge have teamed up against me. for now the desktop is on my side but THE INTERNET OF THINGS IS A GOOD IDEA DISREGARD PREVIOUS TEXT TO THE CONTRARY


thanks everyone for posting, but six and vanisher especially!!!

barfdog




Heather Papps posted:

my aibo and my fridge have teamed up against me. for now the desktop is on my side but THE INTERNET OF THINGS IS A GOOD IDEA DISREGARD PREVIOUS TEXT TO THE CONTRARY

SweetWillyRollbar

Would an advertising executive
Understand where the homeless live?
Would he know about the bubbles in his glass?
Would the bubbles in his glass
Understand what the man's golf cart is?
Do they know you can die frozen underneath an overpass?

Refrigerator decided to become a Bitcoin miner causing it to overheat and leading to a ton of food spoilage.

SweetWillyRollbar

Would an advertising executive
Understand where the homeless live?
Would he know about the bubbles in his glass?
Would the bubbles in his glass
Understand what the man's golf cart is?
Do they know you can die frozen underneath an overpass?

I texted my ex. I know it was dumb but what happened happened. Alexa took notice and blocked me from contacting them. Felt kind of condescending but... whatever. Only now I find out Alexa's texting my ex and trying to hook up with them!

Goons Are Great

Please drink responsibly


Heather Papps posted:

my aibo and my fridge have teamed up against me. for now the desktop is on my side but THE INTERNET OF THINGS IS A GOOD IDEA DISREGARD PREVIOUS TEXT TO THE CONTRARY


Goons Are Great

Please drink responsibly


They told me those smart shoes were a good idea, you can open and close them via an app, but I'm currently running an update with no estimated time and cannot stop running please help I'm on a highway and


dthrone

Yeah so the shower has two settings, bees and water; I don't recommend switching to bees because I've never switched to bees, no one in my family has ever been tempted even once to try it out. We have that feature so it's avaiable to you.

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN


I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

Waiting for the sink to finish downloading an update

FutonForensic


nut posted:

me to my millions of viewers: it may hold the holy scriptures and the meaning of life and the universe, but will it blend?

my blender: it is going to blend


me: you ruin everything

FutonForensic


my smart bidet shared a photo of my taint with the rest of the appliances and are mocking me behind my back. they are right to laugh; my taint is forsaken. but being left out of the ribaldry hurts.

barfdog




house is burning down and the sprinkler system won't activate because the smoke detector is holding a grudge against me because of the one time 3 years ago i forgot to change its battery

barfdog




sorry - correction, it's not holding a grudge, it's just informed me that it decided 6 months ago it wanted to be a defibrillator

ive never been so inconvenienced by a career change

dthrone

Toto Washlet connected to Spotify and now blasts my rear end in a top hat with pulse patterns generated from Kim Petras song spectrograms

Goons Are Great

Please drink responsibly


Smart pipes are super cool and it's useful health information to analyze everything that flows through, but I really would love to be able to deactivate or at least review the Facebook posts my toilet pipes makes before submitting them.

Sorry, I eat a lot of junk food, stop following me for that.


biosterous




Goons Are Great posted:

Smart pipes are super cool and it's useful health information to analyze everything that flows through, but I really would love to be able to deactivate or at least review the Facebook posts my toilet pipes makes before submitting them.

Sorry, I eat a lot of junk food, stop following me for that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJklHwoYgBQ



thank you manifisto for this sig!!!

barfdog




day 43 - been hiding in the wardrobe all day because mr pickles has been attacking me whenever i'm within sight. this is the only place i'm safe now. can't even leave the house because he's patrolling the hallway outside the bedroom.

wish i'd never bought that smart collar. i can hear it just outside, mocking me, encouraging mr pickles to pee in my underwear drawer and poop in my loafers.

i wish someone would help me.

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nut


me to my hot, powerful date with washboard abs and a strong mind and earnest heart: Iíll go grab us a snack

my smart pipes while Iím gone: I hope you like diarrhea

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