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the internet of things is a revolutionary move in the technology cutting edge world. finally, after years of you asking for it, you got it. the internet of things offers unprecedented access between your things. at last, my fridge can speak to my toilet, to ask it what it’s like in the bathroom and how it feels have people pee in you. I turn to the camera and smile and say, it really changes what it means to log on |
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May 17, 2020 12:43
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I’m in an important meeting at work you see I work in the economy (the electric conomy) and I get a text I look down and see that my Maytag is letting me know I have a medically unhealthy amount of nut milks
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May 17, 2020 12:45
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I’m out with a very strong attractive woman who is telling me roller derby is the future of sport I am in love I think my alarm clock calls to tell me my neighbour is muttering about killing me again
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May 17, 2020 12:47
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target is having a special on wire brushed frames that will tell your nest if the pH in the room is too basic. the nest, which contains a non-functional microphone, will chart changes in ambient acidity in the nsa cloud to let them know if you are baking cookies or crystal meth
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May 17, 2020 12:49
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my toilet seat: good morning sire, I do believe you have lost some weight me: *lifts my legs off the ground* my toilet seat: lmao never mind
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May 17, 2020 12:50
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me to my millions of viewers: it may hold the holy scriptures and the meaning of life and the universe, but will it blend? my blender: it is going to blend me: you ruin everything
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May 17, 2020 12:55
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getting quite concerned that my microwave keeps encouraging me to cook rather than microwave things. who do i call about this? tech support? is there such a thing as a microwave therapist? |
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May 17, 2020 13:19
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My kid, away at uni in another state, logs into our Nest and turns the thermostat up 2 degrees. Me, working overseas on a long term contract, getting a notification, slightly annoyed, turns it back down. An hour later up the temperature goes again, 3 degrees. Now I'm getting angry. I turn it back down and send a message to their fridge to shout "STOP SCREWING AROUND! love dad" on its huge display screen. "it wasn't me!" pings my phone, as I watch the thermostat rise four degrees. Furious now, I turn it back down and change the admin settings, locking everyone out but me. I smile smugly into my phone. An hour later I get a message from my tenant saying there's something wrong with the thermostat. They tried adjusting it but it keeps resetting to the default setting. |
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May 17, 2020 14:32
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made the mistake of saying i hate the song "barbie girl" around my fridge and now it's trolling me by playing it full volume every time a guest comes around |
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May 17, 2020 14:37
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my toilet won't stop moaning despite the mute function
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May 17, 2020 15:27
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my wife's IoT vibrator consistently berates us both for being perverted |
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May 17, 2020 17:44
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My wife's name is Alexa.
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May 17, 2020 17:45
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finally, email for my things
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May 17, 2020 18:10
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checking my roomba data to see what rooms I shed the most in. sharing my findings on twitter
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May 17, 2020 18:11
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My Roomba has its own twitter account that it uses to passive-aggressively complain about what a slovenly mess I am. |
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May 17, 2020 18:41
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me: microwave, please tell fridge i am sorry for not listening to her food spoilage notifications, it was an accident to let that spinach turn to goo, and i feel very bad about it! microwave: refrigerator says she accepts your apology, but phone told her you ordered pizza for dinner, so you are still grounded from opening the freezer drawer. ice cream will keep but according to fitbit, your health will not.
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May 17, 2020 19:25
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BB6wj6RyKo
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May 17, 2020 20:39
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My lightbulb has more followers than I do.
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May 17, 2020 21:05
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Grandpa, what was it like living in the 20's? |
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May 17, 2020 21:07
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my toaster keeps bringing kettles it met on tinder around and i have to awkwardly shuffle through the kitchen to avoid them every god drat morning |
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May 17, 2020 21:08
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Finger Prince posted:Grandpa, what was it like living in the 20's? it was real hard, switching from "how many X does it take to change a lightbulb" to "how many X does it take to reboot a lightbulb." also, there was a bad cold going around i think. eat your nutrient paste please
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May 17, 2020 22:20
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I’ve been getting robbed a lot more since my door started screaming that it was unlocked
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May 17, 2020 22:22
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but honestly it’s a global village and I’ve never get more connected
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May 17, 2020 22:22
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my aibo and my fridge have teamed up against me. for now the desktop is on my side but THE INTERNET OF THINGS IS A GOOD IDEA DISREGARD PREVIOUS TEXT TO THE CONTRARY
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May 17, 2020 22:24
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Heather Papps posted:my aibo and my fridge have teamed up against me. for now the desktop is on my side but THE INTERNET OF THINGS IS A GOOD IDEA DISREGARD PREVIOUS TEXT TO THE CONTRARY |
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May 17, 2020 22:35
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Refrigerator decided to become a Bitcoin miner causing it to overheat and leading to a ton of food spoilage. |
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May 18, 2020 09:14
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I texted my ex. I know it was dumb but what happened happened. Alexa took notice and blocked me from contacting them. Felt kind of condescending but... whatever. Only now I find out Alexa's texting my ex and trying to hook up with them! |
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May 18, 2020 09:18
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Heather Papps posted:my aibo and my fridge have teamed up against me. for now the desktop is on my side but THE INTERNET OF THINGS IS A GOOD IDEA DISREGARD PREVIOUS TEXT TO THE CONTRARY
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May 18, 2020 11:07
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They told me those smart shoes were a good idea, you can open and close them via an app, but I'm currently running an update with no estimated time and cannot stop running please help I'm on a highway and
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May 18, 2020 11:08
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Yeah so the shower has two settings, bees and water; I don't recommend switching to bees because I've never switched to bees, no one in my family has ever been tempted even once to try it out. We have that feature so it's avaiable to you. |
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May 18, 2020 13:22
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Waiting for the sink to finish downloading an update |
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May 18, 2020 19:50
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nut posted:me to my millions of viewers: it may hold the holy scriptures and the meaning of life and the universe, but will it blend?
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May 18, 2020 19:56
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my smart bidet shared a photo of my taint with the rest of the appliances and are mocking me behind my back. they are right to laugh; my taint is forsaken. but being left out of the ribaldry hurts.
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May 18, 2020 19:59
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house is burning down and the sprinkler system won't activate because the smoke detector is holding a grudge against me because of the one time 3 years ago i forgot to change its battery |
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May 18, 2020 19:59
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sorry - correction, it's not holding a grudge, it's just informed me that it decided 6 months ago it wanted to be a defibrillator ive never been so inconvenienced by a career change |
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May 18, 2020 20:01
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Toto Washlet connected to Spotify and now blasts my rear end in a top hat with pulse patterns generated from Kim Petras song spectrograms |
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May 18, 2020 20:43
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Smart pipes are super cool and it's useful health information to analyze everything that flows through, but I really would love to be able to deactivate or at least review the Facebook posts my toilet pipes makes before submitting them. Sorry, I eat a lot of junk food, stop following me for that.
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May 18, 2020 21:10
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Goons Are Great posted:Smart pipes are super cool and it's useful health information to analyze everything that flows through, but I really would love to be able to deactivate or at least review the Facebook posts my toilet pipes makes before submitting them. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJklHwoYgBQ
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May 18, 2020 21:35
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day 43 - been hiding in the wardrobe all day because mr pickles has been attacking me whenever i'm within sight. this is the only place i'm safe now. can't even leave the house because he's patrolling the hallway outside the bedroom. wish i'd never bought that smart collar. i can hear it just outside, mocking me, encouraging mr pickles to pee in my underwear drawer and poop in my loafers. i wish someone would help me. |
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May 18, 2020 21:48
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| # ? Apr 19, 2024 03:32 |
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me to my hot, powerful date with washboard abs and a strong mind and earnest heart: I’ll go grab us a snack my smart pipes while I’m gone: I hope you like diarrhea
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May 19, 2020 00:44
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