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WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Dec 5, 2014

CUCK SJW


Backstory: I have been married for 10 years now. We have 3 incredible daughters together. Like every marriage there have been ups and downs, and I admit the downs were mostly my fault (almost always caused by me blowing up a fight way bigger than it had to be), but she finally had enough a few days ago.

I have suffered from severe depression for my entire life. I distinctly remember it starting at the age of 9, where I was actually able to pinpoint that I was feeling sad 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It did not matter what I was doing. It could be hanging with friends, watching a movie, playing video games, playing sports, whatever. The more fun I was having, the less the depression broke through, but it was always there no matter what.

I met my wife when I was 23 (she is the same age as I am). My depression never subsided because it was completely untreated. I hid it from her well enough that she married me 5 years later, despite the fact that she is now telling me recently that she has always resented me for the way that I act.

It turns out I had untreated ADHD as well. I was finally clinically diagnosed when I turned about 26 or so. I was also treated for depression, but almost none of the anti-depressants worked. It turned out SSRIs flat-out don't work on me for whatever reason. Finally I was put on an SSNI (Cymbalta) and Quetiapine because apparently I have some moderate signs of bi-polar disorder as well (despite the fact that I can hold down a job, don't gamble, don't do anything risky, don't cheat, etc.).

The combination of Vyvanse, a low-dosage of Cymbalta, and Quetiapine (aka Seroquel) made my depression disappear. I finally felt like a normal human being, and my wife said I am way easier to be around, though still not perfect.

My underlying issue (and the one major issue we've had our entire relationship) was me taking things the wrong way, almost constantly. If she asked me to help with the dishes, I would get mad at the way she asked me. In my mind, she said it in a way that translates to "how about you do some work around here you lazy piece of poo poo?" when all she asked was if I could do the dishes. If she asked me to tend to one of our children who was crying for no reason, I took it as her calling me a bad dad. I remember one time when we were first dating I told her we couldn't hang out that weekend because I had work. She said "I didn't know it was possible you had work on the weekend" and I got really pissed at the way she said it, like "how could you not know it was POSSIBLE I could POSSIBLY have work?" type of thing. In hindsight it feels stupid writing it, but it genuinely made me mad at the time. I thought she was giving me poo poo for having a crappy job that made me work weekends.

I've never done anything violent or intentionally mean in my entire life, to her or anyone. However, I admit what a huge pain in the rear end it must be to live with me. I used to do poo poo like slam a door if I was mad (I stopped doing that a long time ago because she told me how much it hurt her). I am just now realizing that I suffer from RSD which is extremely common with ADHD and is apparently not really curable with medication, supposedly. However, she has already kicked me out of the house, which she has never done before.

What happened was the other day I was working on something in the house that was really pissing me off (I was trying to re-wire some electric in the house for like two straight days). She came in the room and said "what are you doing?" and I said "What do you think I'm doing?! Still the electrical work!". Understandably she got pissed off and left the room. I followed her and said I'm sorry, but that I felt like she was criticizing me for working on the electric wiring for so long. She has in the past made comments about me not paying enough attention to her or the kids, typically when I am doing some sort of work or something relaxing like reading. So I took her asking what I am doing as a "dig". What made it worse was me trying to justify it. What had happened was the night before, we went to a gathering at a friend's house. Two of my kids were screaming and crying for no reason as usual, and my wife was holding both of them while talking to some friends. I was on the other side of the room, talking to some of the guys. I eventually look over at her and I swear she is giving me a look of death. I ignore it and keep it in the back of my head as "yet another instance" of her being mad/disappointed with me, because I didn't instantly run over the millisecond the kids started acting up. So, the next day when she was asking me "what are you doing" I kind of snapped and took it as another "you're a lovely dad/husband" dig.

She flipped out on me and told me what I am doing to her amounts to emotional abuse. She has never said anything like that before. I took offense to the term because when I hear "emotional abuse" I think of pick up artists, Dennis from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and MRA weirdos who are into gaslighting and stuff like that. But I came around to it and admitted to her that it does indeed sound like I am being emotionally abusive. In my stupid head I don't think I am because I never called her names like "ugly" or something attempting to hurt her. Nothing I ever did was intentional. And I do so much for her in terms of sneaking out of bed early so I can make her breakfast, buying her a new phone because she complained her old phone was slow, etc. So it's hard for me to understand that I am being put in a category with psychopaths and wife-beaters. But I told her I agree with her and I will stop assuming she is always criticizing me and just take comments for what they are and I will stop playing the victim of a "beaten-down husband belittled to death by his "bitchy wife" as she put it.

Everything seemed to go OK after that talk. Then two days later, I started a higher dosage of Quetiapine (which she asked me to get an increased dosage of). I am now on 400 MG, and it's kicking my rear end in terms of making me tired. So on Wednesday I get up at the rear end-crack of dawn to get her and the kids breakfast. From about 9 AM to 1 PM I completely pass out on the couch, which is very unlike me (before meds I was a terrible sleeper). Then the next day, the same thing happened again. She completely flipped out. "You aren't talking to me, I'm here with the kids playing board games and you're sleeping on the couch?? Pack your bags, and get out of here." I tried to explain to her that it's the higher dose of Quetiapine but she didn't want to hear it. I kind of feel like she was waiting for me to "screw up" even once. She also said something about "playing video games all day" when it was literally one hour one day the week before, while she was watching some reality show I have no interest in. I have married friends that play video games 3 goddamn hours a day. I also have friends that golf, bowl 4 times a week, go to bars, etc. The only time I leave the house is to work (and to be fair, that's true for her as well). But now that puts into my head "maybe she really WAS complaining about me non-stop" and makes me wonder if the RSD even exists at all. "I can't even play a loving video game for an hour once a week without her throwing it in my face days later??" is what goes through my head now. When she eventually tells me to come home, is it really going to be a thing where I have to just sit on the couch with my hands folded, not touching any type of electronic device, ready to jump at her every need the second she needs me to do something, for the rest of my life? Is the previous sentence me just being ridiculous because I suffer from RSD? I'm so goddamn confused.

I don't really know how this is going to turn out, or what I should be doing to fix it. I've been at my parents for two days now. She has texted me random stuff like "how do I get the TV remote to work" and "can you download Peter Pan for Brittany" but that's really it. I understand that she is hurt from 10+ years of me being an overly-sensitive paranoid wack job but is this the future? Am I going to have to be self-conscious the rest of my life if I want to play a video game for 45 minutes? Do I have to start snorting cocaine because I'm terrified to fall asleep on the couch ever again? Or are those things I am just being a sensitive baby about because I definitely do suffer from RSD?

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Sailor Cat
Aug 28, 2019

Made with the finest craft yarn and real 24K raw noodles


Are you still on your terrible diet, and what is RSD?

Schweinhund
Oct 23, 2004



I am sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like her being mad about video games, probably isn't actually about the video games. It's all the other stuff. In other words, she's (currently) sick of your poo poo, so a tiny thing that bothers a little bit sets her off. It's also possible that you haven't addressed her concerns or made up for your past transgressions to her satisfaction. Like she wants you to be do things to make amends or do things to assure her you've changed but instead she sees you sleeping on the couch or playing video games and it sets her off.

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Dec 5, 2014

CUCK SJW


Sailor Cat posted:

Are you still on your terrible diet, and what is RSD?

No, I only lasted about 2 weeks. However, I am still limiting my caloric intake to 400 calories a couple times per week. I am losing weight and feeling great.

RSD is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.

Schweinhund posted:

I am sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like her being mad about video games, probably isn't actually about the video games. It's all the other stuff. In other words, she's (currently) sick of your poo poo, so a tiny thing that bothers a little bit sets her off. It's also possible that you haven't addressed her concerns or made up for your past transgressions to her satisfaction. Like she wants you to be do things to make amends or do things to assure her you've changed but instead she sees you sleeping on the couch or playing video games and it sets her off.

That is entirely possible. I am sure if I was perfect she wouldn't really give a poo poo if I played video games or passed out on the couch or whatever.

ParserGirl
Jun 3, 2005



Saying that your kids are constantly crying "for no reason" makes me think you minimize suffering in others and have a shallow sense of empathy.

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Dec 5, 2014

CUCK SJW


ParserGirl posted:

Saying that your kids are constantly crying "for no reason" makes me think you minimize suffering in others and have a shallow sense of empathy.

I have extreme empathy. I was just driving home that the kids were crying "for no reason" so it was understood it wasn't like they scraped their knee or just got scared by something or whatever. I mentioned it to show that immediately tending to them wasn't a life or death matter, and I also believe it's OK to let them self-soothe for a bit if the crying is for no reason.

Schweinhund
Oct 23, 2004



WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW posted:

That is entirely possible. I am sure if I was perfect she wouldn't really give a poo poo if I played video games or passed out on the couch or whatever.

She doesn't want you to be perfect. She just doesn't want to feel extreme anxiety whenever she is around you because she's afraid she'll say some mundane thing or look at you the wrong way and it will cause you to snap at her. What you should do is promise her that you won't snap at her anymore for any reason, since you have a hard time knowing when it's appropriate. And it's practically never appropriate anyway.

Sailor Cat
Aug 28, 2019

Made with the finest craft yarn and real 24K raw noodles


Are you in therapy?

BuckarooBanzai
Dec 2, 2004

Wherever you go, there you are.

Slippery Tilde

You're going to need a marriage therapist for this one boss.

CmdrRiker
Apr 8, 2016

Actually, it feels quite comfortable.

I see a repeating pattern of you having very low self-esteem and projecting those insecurities on your wife. Then when she interacts with you it triggers you to resent these feelings you're imagining her to have. You really do need to work with a counselor to solve some of these fundamental communication problems.

Cemetry Gator
Apr 3, 2007

Do you find something comical about my appearance when I'm driving my automobile?


Yeah, therapy seems like the best way to work through this.

One thing I noticed is that you constantly put yourself down and shoulder the blame, but then you go and attack her towards the end of your post. I think you need to work out your own emotions and feelings. It just feels weird.

And yeah, you two need to work on your communication. You know that what she's saying and your interpretation of what she's saying are incongruent, but yet, it doesn't change your behavior. I think a professional can help there.

AuntBuck
Feb 22, 2003



Scratchmo

ParserGirl posted:

Saying that your kids are constantly crying "for no reason" makes me think you minimize suffering in others and have a shallow sense of empathy.

Little kids will cry all the time for no reason. I remember throwing a huge fit and crying when I was four because I got a piece of pizza with cheese on it, and the cheese was scary. I thought WWWWW was saying this is another stressor his wife's dealing with on top of everything else.

WWWWWW you've got a lot of work to do. I hope you're up for it. Your wife has been frustrated for some time, and you need to talk to her about it with a therapist, instead of trying to figure it out on your own.

Who Is Paul Blart
Oct 22, 2010




Get a divorce and marry someone younger OP

Canine Blues Arooo
Jan 7, 2008

when you think about it...i'm the first girl you ever spent the night with


Grimey Drawer

Even in your telling of the situation, you come off like you have the emotional maturity of about a 14 year old. I think you need to figure out why that is, but from this read, I think CmdrRiker is dead on: extreme insecurity / low self-esteem. You need to figure that poo poo out to improve you, because there is no amount of counseling in the world that can fix your marriage unless you first fix yourself.

Second, I have friends who are married and have kids who play 3 hours of video games with me every night. They are not good parents and at least a couple resent their marriage and everything that came from it. You can either come to terms with the fact that kids = substantially less time to do 'you' things, or you can just resent the situation I guess. Kids are a major time commitment for about oh, a few decades at least and this shouldn't be a mystery. To further expand on this, you can definitely have some 'you' time, but it sounds like you are not good at balancing 'you' time vs 'family' time and I'm guessing you don't realize that you need to schedule that time with your wife explicitly ("Can you take care of the kids on Tues and Thursday and I'll do it on Monday and Wednesday?") and then with your kids implicitly via bedtimes or some other scheduled activity for them.

All that said, I think you owe it to your family to engage in some serious introspection. Why do you misread intention? Why are you looking to read into words anyway instead of assuming good faith? What steps do you need to take to alleviate those reactions, and all the reactions adjacent to those emotions? After that...

BuckarooBanzai posted:

You're going to need a marriage therapist for this one boss.

Daikloktos
Jan 1, 2020



You sound like you need general cognitive therapy

Sloth Life
Nov 15, 2014

Built for comfort and speed!

Fallen Rib

I'm rooting for your wife here, and I have no doubt you have presented things in the best possible light for you.
Good for her.

Prism Mirror Lens
Oct 9, 2012

~*"The most intelligent and meaning-rich film he could think of was Shaun of the Dead, I don't think either brain is going to absorb anything you post."*~






You sound incredibly irritating (not to mention irritable), so Iím not surprised. Buying someone a new phone doesnít make up for attacking them every time they dare to speak to you. I wonder if the kids are crying simply because of the stressful atmosphere and because they want attention from someone who thinks buying objects = showing affection. Same with your wife; I think what sheís really asking for is to feel like you regard her as something other than a nuisance and a burden, to pay attention to what sheís saying rather than always leaping to some made-up thing about yourself. You arenít really hearing her. Youíre always hearing some disparaging bitchy voice in your head. When she so much as asks about the washing up, you immediately make it all about you. That must suck for her. So sheís excessively trying to stop you from activities that arenít related to the family to try and force you to pay some real attention to the people around you rather than dwelling on yourself.

What was your childhood like if you got depressed at age 9?

Prism Mirror Lens
Oct 9, 2012

~*"The most intelligent and meaning-rich film he could think of was Shaun of the Dead, I don't think either brain is going to absorb anything you post."*~






Sorry to double post, another question Iím interested in: do you snap at people, slam doors and take everything personally at work (assuming you work), or only at home?

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Dec 5, 2014

CUCK SJW


Schweinhund posted:

She doesn't want you to be perfect. She just doesn't want to feel extreme anxiety whenever she is around you because she's afraid she'll say some mundane thing or look at you the wrong way and it will cause you to snap at her. What you should do is promise her that you won't snap at her anymore for any reason, since you have a hard time knowing when it's appropriate. And it's practically never appropriate anyway.

Yeah I sent her a few articles last night on RSD and she seemed happy to hear there was a name for it, and that it happens to like 99% of the people with ADHD. Meaning, it's not really my personality and more of my lovely brain.

I told her I'm going to go on whatever medication fixes it, and to go to therapy for the rest of my life for it, and she was very receptive. I realize how lucky I am.

Sailor Cat posted:

Are you in therapy?

Just for medication, but starting literally tomorrow I am going to be going to an actual therapist once per week.

Canine Blues Arooo posted:

Even in your telling of the situation, you come off like you have the emotional maturity of about a 14 year old. I think you need to figure out why that is, but from this read, I think CmdrRiker is dead on: extreme insecurity / low self-esteem. You need to figure that poo poo out to improve you, because there is no amount of counseling in the world that can fix your marriage unless you first fix yourself.

Second, I have friends who are married and have kids who play 3 hours of video games with me every night. They are not good parents and at least a couple resent their marriage and everything that came from it. You can either come to terms with the fact that kids = substantially less time to do 'you' things, or you can just resent the situation I guess. Kids are a major time commitment for about oh, a few decades at least and this shouldn't be a mystery. To further expand on this, you can definitely have some 'you' time, but it sounds like you are not good at balancing 'you' time vs 'family' time and I'm guessing you don't realize that you need to schedule that time with your wife explicitly ("Can you take care of the kids on Tues and Thursday and I'll do it on Monday and Wednesday?") and then with your kids implicitly via bedtimes or some other scheduled activity for them.

All that said, I think you owe it to your family to engage in some serious introspection. Why do you misread intention? Why are you looking to read into words anyway instead of assuming good faith? What steps do you need to take to alleviate those reactions, and all the reactions adjacent to those emotions? After that...

All I can do is promise I am not sugar-coating it. I thought I came off pretty badly in the OP, and that was my intention. I know this is 100% on me.

I don't think I have bad self esteem in the traditional sense. I have never had trouble getting a girlfriend and I don't think I am generally dumb or anything like that. I do however have an issue where I always feel like she is criticizing me. For example, a few weeks ago, she told me to stop using so much toilet paper because the toilet was always getting clogged. In my head this was "I can't even take a poo poo without it being a problem". Then later that day I was laying on our daughter's bed, reading her a bed time story. As soon as she came in the room she sort of freaked out saying "Get off the bed! Get off the bed!" apparently because I had my jeans on. This pissed me off really bad and I stormed out of the room because all I was trying to do was read my daughter a story, and THAT was a problem. A day or so later when I calmed down over it she said it's because my jeans were filthy and I was laying on a bright white comforter. Then of course I said something snippy like "am I supposed to remember to take my pants off every time I want to read my kid a bedtime story? I have to read to her in my underwear???" which didn't help things.

As for my friends who bowl, golf, and "game" 4 days per week, my wife said the same thing. "I guarantee their wives hate them" so you are probably right.

Daikloktos posted:

You sound like you need general cognitive therapy

Is CBT the same thing? Is it "different" depending on the issue? Meaning, do I ask for CBT treatments for RSD?

Prism Mirror Lens posted:

You sound incredibly irritating (not to mention irritable), so Iím not surprised. Buying someone a new phone doesnít make up for attacking them every time they dare to speak to you. I wonder if the kids are crying simply because of the stressful atmosphere and because they want attention from someone who thinks buying objects = showing affection. Same with your wife; I think what sheís really asking for is to feel like you regard her as something other than a nuisance and a burden, to pay attention to what sheís saying rather than always leaping to some made-up thing about yourself. You arenít really hearing her. Youíre always hearing some disparaging bitchy voice in your head. When she so much as asks about the washing up, you immediately make it all about you. That must suck for her. So sheís excessively trying to stop you from activities that arenít related to the family to try and force you to pay some real attention to the people around you rather than dwelling on yourself.

What was your childhood like if you got depressed at age 9?

I show my kids a lot of attention and I never get in arguments in front of them.

My childhood was fine as in I was never abused mentally or physically. Major depression runs in my family. My dad tried (but thankfully failed) to slit his own throat a few years ago. Both of my grandparents on my dad's side killed themselves, so depression runs in the family as a chemical thing. I simply remember it starting at age 9.

Prism Mirror Lens posted:

Sorry to double post, another question Iím interested in: do you snap at people, slam doors and take everything personally at work (assuming you work), or only at home?

It's pretty much only at her. I have never been in trouble at any job I've ever had, and people often comment on how quiet and meek I am. I am such a hard worker that I've never really ever been criticized or reprimanded, so it's entirely possible I would react in a negative way to a criticism but I am just not able to comment on it since it has never really happened.

Enfys
Feb 17, 2013


Someone's a lucky bird


WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW posted:


It's pretty much only at her. I have never been in trouble at any job I've ever had, and people often comment on how quiet and meek I am. I am such a hard worker that I've never really ever been criticized or reprimanded, so it's entirely possible I would react in a negative way to a criticism but I am just not able to comment on it since it has never really happened.

But from your OP, it sounds like the big problem is that you react as if you're being criticised to completely innocuous comments from your wife like when she asks what you're doing or looks at you from across the room while the kids are crying.

These kinds of situations will also come up at work or around other people, and it sounds like you are capable of not lashing out at coworkers/friends/etc when they ask innocuous questions or give you a strange look but do not control your anger around your wife. You've mentioned you have a lot of impulse control issues, but you seem to be able to control yourself in certain situations (work).

Being meek at work and then coming home and slamming doors and yelling at your wife when she asks what you're doing is a red flag for an abusive relationship and definitely something you need to address, regardless of whether your wife decides she wants to try to work things out with you.

Prism Mirror Lens
Oct 9, 2012

~*"The most intelligent and meaning-rich film he could think of was Shaun of the Dead, I don't think either brain is going to absorb anything you post."*~






Sorry man, itís hard to believe that your kids donít notice that mom is perpetually pissed at or wary of dad and that dad has a hair-trigger temper. Regardless of whether they see the actual arguments.

If your boss said ďhey, donít wear dirty jeans to meetingsĒ would your response be a) ďoops, sorry. I didnít think about at the time, but I realise I was a bit unprofessional.Ē or b) ďWHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, TAKE MY PANTS OFF BEFORE EVERY MEETING? JESUS CHRIST EVERYTHING I DO IS A PROBLEM ISNíT ITĒ

If a, what is stopping you responding like that at home? I get that someone freaking out at you is annoying, but most people have an emotional control that kicks in which stops them getting enraged back. You probably have this control if itís only your wife you freak out at, but you donít seem to use it with your wife? That DOES look like emotional abuse and something of a deliberate choice of yours. Do you feel like itís really uncontrollable how you respond?

banned from Starbucks
Jul 18, 2004


Why would you leave your house? If shes unhappy have her leave temporarily. Get a good divorce lawyer

ParserGirl
Jun 3, 2005



quote:


I show my kids a lot of attention and I never get in arguments in front of them.

Do you realize you just told a story about snapping at your wife while your daughter was right next to you? They see and hear so much more than you would care to think.

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


You both have a tonne of built up resentment and something like that takes a long, long time to defuse. The very fact that your fear about going back is that you'll be forced to live on eggshells forever in order to 'appease' her is telling enough.

Stuff like snippy comments and arguments over nothing are just the end results of years of these petty quid-pro-quo interactions. All negative thoughts are magnified, and the assumption of good intentions/blamelessness on both sides has completely evaporated.

I might get a flak for this, but I've always felt like outsourcing all unacceptable behaviour to mental illness as if it represents something outside of you is completely unhelpful in most cases, if not straight up wrong. You characterise yourself as having insanely high empathy and having never acted maliciously in your entire life. Demonstrably in your own post, that is not the case. It's not the case that you have a personality that is pure and separate from your ADHD/RSD or whatever. Your personality simply exhibits those traits to a clinically diagnosable degree. They are your problems and part of your personality. Medication can mitigate them, but you hold the primary responsibility for keeping them in check. Therapy can teach you coping strategies.

There's no guarantee that you can fix this. If you can't face it, then you should start considering how to sever. If you want to, it will start with going back cap in hand and acting in good faith. From what you've presented, it sounds like she deserves a long stretch of you doing things her way meekly. When you can demonstrate improved behaviour and good faith, trust is earned, and poo poo like taking a nap/playing a game and so on will not result in a blow up on either side. It is not for forever, but it will take months of sustained management and nurturing, which requires you to have a much better handle on your issues.

Motherfucker
Jul 16, 2011



I dunno OP I'm with you it must be incredibly demoralizing not being in charge of even your own actions, just locked behind your own eyes like some kind've passive observer as your body is gripped in the talons of a demon and dragged through a puppet show where you shriek and scream at your wife and do a bunch of really assholey poo poo only to be returned at a later time and forced to live through the consequences of the abuse you had no agency in. Explaining that 'its not me, It was the demons, I could never hurt you'

But you know she can't see that part, She just sees you. Being an rear end in a top hat. Its just you being an rear end in a top hat. No demon. Just you.

Famethrowa
Oct 5, 2012


Motherfucker posted:

I dunno OP I'm with you it must be incredibly demoralizing not being in charge of even your own actions, just locked behind your own eyes like some kind've passive observer as your body is gripped in the talons of a demon and dragged through a puppet show where you shriek and scream at your wife and do a bunch of really assholey poo poo only to be returned at a later time and forced to live through the consequences of the abuse you had no agency in. Explaining that 'its not me, It was the demons, I could never hurt you'

But you know she can't see that part, She just sees you. Being an rear end in a top hat. Its just you being an rear end in a top hat. No demon. Just you.

incredibly snarky and dickish, but true. you are using your diagnoses as shields from responsibility. it'd be one thing to say "I'm so sorry sometimes I find it hard to control about my emotional outbursts" but the message you are putting across is "why doesn't she understand that I have no agency here " which is petulant, childish, and untrue.

I get that right now it can be hard to reckon with the fact that you are unpleasant to be around for her but you need to recognize this and put some real loving work in.

Cemetry Gator
Apr 3, 2007

Do you find something comical about my appearance when I'm driving my automobile?


WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW posted:

Yeah I sent her a few articles last night on RSD and she seemed happy to hear there was a name for it, and that it happens to like 99% of the people with ADHD. Meaning, it's not really my personality and more of my lovely brain.

I told her I'm going to go on whatever medication fixes it, and to go to therapy for the rest of my life for it, and she was very receptive. I realize how lucky I am.

I think you need to change your view here - medication isn't going to fix "this." Medication can help, but you've also learned maladaptive behaviors to deal with this, and you need to learn how to respond differently. Just taking medication isn't going to be enough to stop this.

And to be honest, you also need to involve her in this too. The two of you need to learn how to communicate with each other again.

quote:

I don't think I have bad self esteem in the traditional sense. I have never had trouble getting a girlfriend and I don't think I am generally dumb or anything like that. I do however have an issue where I always feel like she is criticizing me. For example, a few weeks ago, she told me to stop using so much toilet paper because the toilet was always getting clogged. In my head this was "I can't even take a poo poo without it being a problem". Then later that day I was laying on our daughter's bed, reading her a bed time story. As soon as she came in the room she sort of freaked out saying "Get off the bed! Get off the bed!" apparently because I had my jeans on. This pissed me off really bad and I stormed out of the room because all I was trying to do was read my daughter a story, and THAT was a problem. A day or so later when I calmed down over it she said it's because my jeans were filthy and I was laying on a bright white comforter. Then of course I said something snippy like "am I supposed to remember to take my pants off every time I want to read my kid a bedtime story? I have to read to her in my underwear???" which didn't help things.

Here's a great example of something I'm noticing.

I'm not trying to white-knight here. But dude - you also need to accept that your wife isn't always helping matters. You're lying on the bed reading your daughter a story. Is that the moment to come in and say "Get off the bed! Get off the bed!" (assuming your rendition is accurate)?

You know, both things can be true - you can overreact to criticism, and she could be criticizing you too much in non-productive ways. At that point, if you got the bed dirty, it's already dirty. What is coming in and yelling at you when you're spending a moment with your daughter going to do? I mean, that would get me annoyed, especially if I did something thoughtless but mostly harmless. Oh no, we have to wash the sheets again. WHAT EVER WILL WE DO? Sometimes, it's okay to let minor things go. Sometimes, it's okay to assume that someone made an honest mistake.

I don't think you're helping matters, and you need to learn to not respond with your first gut reaction. Here's something that I find that helps when I find myself in those situations - until proven otherwise, assume the best in people. Don't assume that someone is acting maliciously.

I feel like you're afraid to admit that your wife isn't a completely innocent party here. You've mention a few things where she shoulders some of the blame, and you try to make it sound like it's all on you and your hairpin trigger. It's not helping, but could it be possible that she's also making some situations worse by the way that she deals with it. And I think that's why you two need to work on your communication, ASAP. She might not be wrong, in the moral sense, but she needs to also frame the message in a helpful way. Maybe, for example, she could say "Hey, it was really nice when you read a story to our daughter. There was one small thing - your jeans were filthy, and you were lying on top of a white comforter." Or, as I mentioned before, she could just assume you forgot, and just let it go because it doesn't matter that much.

HazCat
May 4, 2009



Cemetry Gator posted:

Oh no, we have to wash the sheets again. WHAT EVER WILL WE DO? Sometimes, it's okay to let minor things go. Sometimes, it's okay to assume that someone made an honest mistake.

This assumes it's a case of 'now we have to rewash the sheets' and not 'now OP's wife has to rewash the sheets'. I think it would be perfectly reasonable of her to be upset if she's doing the majority of the housework (plus the majority of the unpleasant childcare like dealing with tantrums, plus working outside the home).

Cemetry Gator
Apr 3, 2007

Do you find something comical about my appearance when I'm driving my automobile?


HazCat posted:

This assumes it's a case of 'now we have to rewash the sheets' and not 'now OP's wife has to rewash the sheets'. I think it would be perfectly reasonable of her to be upset if she's doing the majority of the housework (plus the majority of the unpleasant childcare like dealing with tantrums, plus working outside the home).

Fair. I was assuming an otherwise functioning relationship. And we know we don't have that when the OP uses his inability to not clog the toilet as a prelude for a fight.

Prism Mirror Lens
Oct 9, 2012

~*"The most intelligent and meaning-rich film he could think of was Shaun of the Dead, I don't think either brain is going to absorb anything you post."*~






Cemetry Gator posted:

She might not be wrong, in the moral sense, but she needs to also frame the message in a helpful way. Maybe, for example, she could say "Hey, it was really nice when you read a story to our daughter. There was one small thing - your jeans were filthy, and you were lying on top of a white comforter."

It sounds like this would also make the OP fly off the handle. Heís just going to hear the bit he did wrong, not the bit he did well. If someone canít deal with criticism to the extent that ďhey, what are you doingĒ is interpreted as criticism, I donít think the wife being a bit nicer about the criticism is going to help at all. (Plus, Iíd honestly be more pissed about that phrasing. Reminding someone that they were trying to do a nice thing but they still hosed up feels really demotivating and condescending, whereas ďstop doing thatĒ in the moment is easier to deal with - for me anyway.)

Beard Dandruff
May 10, 2017

Kill yourself and kill everyone around you.

Stop using the toilet and start making GBS threads in the bed. That way you'll only be loving up one thing in the house rather than two.

Sailor Cat
Aug 28, 2019

Made with the finest craft yarn and real 24K raw noodles


banned from Starbucks posted:

Why would you leave your house? If shes unhappy have her leave temporarily. Get a good divorce lawyer

Ignore this guy, OP

curlingiron
Dec 15, 2006

Adventure Awaits!


Fun Shoe

I also have ADHD and RSD, and I have learned that my magic phrase is ďIím sorry, but Iím too upset to discuss this right now, is it okay if I take some time to calm down?Ē Then go somewhere else and write out all the nasty poo poo in your head (or do whatever else it is you need to do to calm down), then go back and talk like an adult to whoever.

RSD sucks in a major way, but it does not mean you will never be able to control yourself. You are going to have to acknowledge that even though you are experiencing this, your choices are still your own, and move forward in making better choices. You need therapy (CBT or DBT, most likely), and you and your wife need marriage counseling.

Crosswell
Jun 7, 2007
Lying in a Bombay alley

I dunno. Iíve had interactions like op sitting on the white comforter in dirty jeans in every relationship Iíve had. How they react to my and OPs completely justified irritation is basically the bellweather for my relationship. Dirt on the bedspread? Kids are dirty. In the end, who gives a gently caress? If youíre not my boss be very careful before telling me to do something other than what I am doing because thatís how I relationship and I treat my partners the same. Eventually I found one that loved this.

Crosswell
Jun 7, 2007
Lying in a Bombay alley

On the other hand a lot of what she seems to be telling you to do is housework. So, assuming you both work full time you better get a routine cause having to ask someone to do housework all the time is just as annoying as someone who doesnít do housework over time.

Tjadeth
Sep 16, 2012

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WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW posted:

My childhood was fine as in I was never abused mentally or physically. Major depression runs in my family. My dad tried (but thankfully failed) to slit his own throat a few years ago. Both of my grandparents on my dad's side killed themselves, so depression runs in the family as a chemical thing. I simply remember it starting at age 9.

soooo how are your presumably biological daughters doing

AuntBuck
Feb 22, 2003



Scratchmo

Crosswell posted:

I dunno. Iíve had interactions like op sitting on the white comforter in dirty jeans in every relationship Iíve had. How they react to my and OPs completely justified irritation is basically the bellweather for my relationship. Dirt on the bedspread? Kids are dirty. In the end, who gives a gently caress? If youíre not my boss be very careful before telling me to do something other than what I am doing because thatís how I relationship and I treat my partners the same. Eventually I found one that loved this.

It is a minor thing, but I'm not sure I trust OP's portrait of his wife as this screaming harpy.

Crosswell
Jun 7, 2007
Lying in a Bombay alley

I just canít get over how rude you guys are to each other. On both sides. That would never fly among my friends and certainly not my lovers. Someone running up to me yelling GET OFF THE BED would certainly strike me as rude, an overreaction and unacceptable. ďHey your pants are filthyĒ is much less alarmist and far more polite. At this point I assume youíre just rude people who canít stand each other half the time and thatís not healthy for anyone.

cda
Jan 2, 2010


Crosswell posted:

I just can’t get over how rude you guys are to each other. On both sides. That would never fly among my friends and certainly not my lovers. Someone running up to me yelling GET OFF THE BED would certainly strike me as rude, an overreaction and unacceptable. “Hey your pants are filthy” is much less alarmist and far more polite. At this point I assume you’re just rude people who can’t stand each other half the time and that’s not healthy for anyone.

Yep.

You can use couples counseling to improve your marriage or find a responsible way to end it, but either of those depends on both of you recognizing that the problem is a dynamic one in your relationship and not just something about you.

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Anne Whateley
Feb 11, 2007
i like nice words


WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW posted:

I do however have an issue where I always feel like she is criticizing me. For example, a few weeks ago, she told me to stop using so much toilet paper because the toilet was always getting clogged. In my head this was "I can't even take a poo poo without it being a problem".
Literally ask yourself what you would have wanted her to do.

A. Ask you to use less toilet paper -- unacceptable in your eyes
B. Not say anything to you so it constantly gets clogged and you have to pay for a plumber or more frequent septic tank pumpings -- that sounds worse
C. Not say anything to you and take care of everything 100% herself and pretend it's fine -- that sounds even worse

Given the other options, it sounds like A is the best and most reasonable choice. Ideally that makes you realize she's not evil.

Or like, both of your kids are sobbing. Your wife:

A. Looks at you -- how dare she that bitch
B. Asks you to do something -- that sounds like it would make you angrier
C. Takes care of the kids 100% herself and expects you to ignore them -- that sounds even worse
D. Abandons the kids herself -- somehow that doesn't sound great either

Maybe A isn't that bad??

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