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flakeloaf: Feb 26, 2003; Still better than android clock

Mel Mudkiper posted:

In his bible he describes two martial arts he invented practiced by the warrior avatars called Righteous Fist and Soloran Staff and I demand Ashley show video of these martial arts in practice

Unfortunately he is legally forbidden from owning a golf ball retriever

# ? Jun 4, 2020 14:21

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# ? Apr 18, 2024 09:56

Prawned: Oct 25, 2010

Did someone say this guy's made some rocking video games?

I'm almost finished playing GOTY game CONTROL, so looking to go from high to high on the video game front. Hoping they are set in the world of Solara (is our world Solara?)

# ? Jun 4, 2020 14:31

biznatchio: Mar 31, 2001; Buglord

There's a little Solara in all of us.

(It's the anus.)

# ? Jun 4, 2020 14:55

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

flakeloaf posted:

Unfortunately he is legally forbidden from owning a golf ball retriever

I really need to see Righteous fist because apparently its built around making a hand like this

and punching people "in the bones"

# ? Jun 4, 2020 15:09

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

Mel Mudkiper posted:

I really need to see Righteous fist because apparently its built around making a hand like this

and punching people "in the bones"

Clearly inspired by the transformation scene from An American Werewolf in London.

# ? Jun 4, 2020 15:12

Frazzbo: Feb 2, 2006; Thistle dubh

Mel Mudkiper posted:

I really need to see Righteous fist because apparently its built around making a hand like this

and punching people "in the bones"

That's a pudgy hand.

# ? Jun 4, 2020 15:12

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

Frazzbo posted:

That's a pudgy hand.

not his hand I just googled for the first thing I could find making that hand

# ? Jun 4, 2020 15:13

gimme the GOD DAMN candy: Jul 1, 2007

maybe someone should tell this multimedia wunderkind that bones are actually quite hard.

# ? Jun 4, 2020 15:17

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

gimme the GOD drat candy posted:

maybe someone should tell this multimedia wunderkind that bones are actually quite hard.

Ahem the Righteous Jardacia clearly states

quote:

Anywhere with bone is a good target area because they will feel the most pain in that area

# ? Jun 4, 2020 15:19

gimme the GOD DAMN candy: Jul 1, 2007

correction: maybe someone should tell him that other people's bones are quite hard.

# ? Jun 4, 2020 15:20

By popular demand: Jul 17, 2007; IT *BZZT* WASP ME--
IT WASP ME ALL *BZZT* ALONG!

gimme the GOD drat candy posted:

correction: maybe someone should tell him that other people's bones are quite hard.

I never had any complaints.

# ? Jun 4, 2020 15:23

Literally A Person: Jan 1, 1970; Smugworth Wuz Here

OO OO OO!!! Ahsley will you make a cool teitter post about me??? I am the best one on the site. You can tell by my rapsheet.

# ? Jun 4, 2020 15:24

Sherry Bahm: Jul 30, 2003; filled with dolphins

Alien Sex Manual posted:

There�s more whiny tweets about this thread but this one really amuses me coming from a guy who has �published� his fantasies about reverse interracial cuck porn.

He can't fantasize about his penis size vs that of black men with all this Gay Pride stuff distracting him.

# ? Jun 4, 2020 15:30

Literally A Person: Jan 1, 1970; Smugworth Wuz Here

Tin Can Hit Man posted:

He can't fantasize about his penis size vs that of black men with all this Gay Pride stuff distracting him.

It's true. It is incredibly hard to think about 100's of dongs in my face, proud, aroused, GIGANTIC when I have to hear about people being gay all the time.

# ? Jun 4, 2020 15:33

By popular demand: Jul 17, 2007; IT *BZZT* WASP ME--
IT WASP ME ALL *BZZT* ALONG!

So his version of the 10 commandments starts with "no homo"?

# ? Jun 4, 2020 15:35

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

By popular demand posted:

So his version of the 10 commandments starts with "no homo"?

No it starts with "don't steal from the ocean"

Seriously

The Righteous Jardacia is a pro read in that Elemental Masters or Sonichu kind of way

https://solaranfaith.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/The-Righteous-Jardacia.pdf

# ? Jun 4, 2020 15:36

By popular demand: Jul 17, 2007; IT *BZZT* WASP ME--
IT WASP ME ALL *BZZT* ALONG!

Don't steal from the ocean? I'm not seeing him and his religion organisation working to protest say, the government of Australia (horrible treatment of the ocean).

# ? Jun 4, 2020 15:40

FUCK SNEEP: Apr 21, 2007

Mel Mudkiper posted:

No it starts with "don't steal from the ocean"

Seriously

The Righteous Jardacia is a pro read in that Elemental Masters or Sonichu kind of way

https://solaranfaith.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/The-Righteous-Jardacia.pdf

This is the Sea Patrol/Solaran crossover I've always wanted

# ? Jun 4, 2020 15:41

Literally A Person: Jan 1, 1970; Smugworth Wuz Here

One time a bunch of medical waste was dumped into the ocean off of Connecticut and then like 3 days later a bunch of syringes and stuff started washing up at the shore in New Jersey and they had to start driving these big steam rollers across the beach with rollers on them that left the message "BEWARE OF HYPODERMIC NEEDLES" in the sand.

# ? Jun 4, 2020 15:43

Sailor Cat: Aug 28, 2019; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Mel Mudkiper posted:

No it starts with "don't steal from the ocean"

Seriously

The Righteous Jardacia is a pro read in that Elemental Masters or Sonichu kind of way

https://solaranfaith.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/The-Righteous-Jardacia.pdf

Oh my god, this is hilarious. "Conscious of Sin" Prayer: My Goddess Solara, I pray to you today to admit that I sometimes do things which are against your will and they cause distress to you and others. I am sorry for my sins, please accept my sincere apology. Hail Solara.

I don't know why, but the idea of asking God to accept my sincere apology is hilarious

I'm also curious about the made up word "Jardacia" for his bible

# ? Jun 4, 2020 16:54

Necrothatcher: Mar 26, 2005

quote:

"On one day, in the early 2000s, I was sleeping in late at my mothers� house. I dreamt something
extremely vivid, I dreamt that I was at my Nana�s and I was sat on a chair in her living room, she
was wearing a blue jumper, and in this dream, she spoke. �You�ve got a shiner on your head,�
she said.
I awoke soon after the dream and instantly knew it was a vision. I do not know how or why I
thought that it was a vision, I just knew. I got up, had something to eat and got dressed. I then
went to my Nana�s, sat in the exact chair my vision had shown me. �You�ve got something to
say to me,� I said to her.
�Have I?� she inquired. �Like what, exactly?�
I did not respond, I thought that perhaps it was only a dream and I ignored it for a while. Then, a
while later into the night, I noticed that there was a bottle of wine in my Nana�s fridge. At that
same time, I was on the phone to a friend, so being a teenager, as most teenagers do, I had the
bottle of wine without my Nana�s knowledge. After I had finished the bottle of wine I was quite
merry, and that my Nana noticed was unusual.
After a while, my Nana noticed that I had drunk all of her wine. �How much of this have you
drank?� she asked as she reached for the bottle. �Empty? That�s quite strong stuff. I better walk
you home.�
�Okay, but I�m on the phone,� I said. �Let me finish on here and we will go.�
After I had finished on the phone we began to walk back to my mothers. Upon arrival, my
mother noticed that I had had a drink. That did not make any difference to her. What did make
her mad at me was the fact that I had asked for one cigarette from my stepfather. This turned into
an argument between my mother and me. And inevitably, it turned into a fight.
The fight lasted for a while, and as usual, the fight was stacked in her favor. Not only did I not
want to fight in the first place, but I had to fight everyone except my Nana, who herself, was now
being attacked.
After the fight was over I had time to check myself for injuries. I was covered in blood, so much
so, that my face was hidden by it. On the walk back to my Nana�s I bumped into a friend, I let
my Nana go home and stayed outside my friends� house. After a talk, my friend decided that it
was best for me to get an ambulance. The ambulance arrived within ten minutes and I was taken
to Wythenshawe Hospital.
Once I arrived at the hospital I was put in a cubical to clean myself up. After I washed my face a
bruise appeared on my forehead, I thought nothing of it.
I returned to my Nana�s at around 2 am. My Nana was still awake, she made me a cup of tea and
I sat down. After she brought me a drink she sat down. She looked at me. �You�ve got a shiner
on your head,� she said.
It was exactly like my dream. I had unwittingly stumbled into this self-fulfilled prophecy. Had I
not had the dream it would never have happened. This lesson I would remember well. I did not
know of Solara then but had I known, I would attribute this power to her and her greatness.
Solara granted me this power, for I needed it most, without it I would never have been involved
with any religious organization. The power of foresight is like something from a television
programme, but I assure you, it is real and it is Solaran. Solara grants power to those who need it
and to those who use it wisely.

A touching story about getting drunk and losing yet another fight with your mum

Necrothatcher fucked around with this message at 17:40 on Jun 4, 2020

# ? Jun 4, 2020 17:24

ErrEff: Feb 13, 2012

Didn't the first Lord Avatar, a.k.a. Lord Avatar I, write that 'The Righteous Jardacia' book? The same guy that 'mysteriously disappeared'?

Also, what's a Jardacia and is it as bitchin' righteous as they say?

# ? Jun 4, 2020 17:59

Necrothatcher: Mar 26, 2005

quote:

It was a night of foolishness, I was showing off to my girlfriend, I bet her that I could jump the
entire length of the thirty-foot living room. Before that though, I had given the dog, Kaiser a
bone. He was sat happily under the window eating his bone. It was at that point that I jumped,
and as I hurled myself across the room the dog moved slightly and I landed on his back. With a
vicious howl he turned and tried to bite my face, I lifted my arm to protect myself, and as I did,
he put his enormous mouth around my arm. I turned to see that my girlfriend had already run
into the kitchen, I couldn�t rely on her for help. The truth of the matter is, had he not let go of my
arm when I told him, I would be writing this book very slowly indeed.

�Kaiser, stop!� I shouted.

As he let go the blood poured down my right arm. I began to feel sick, the sight of my own blood
disturbed my stomach. I sat down whilst my girlfriend phoned for an ambulance, they advised
her to stop the bleeding, which she did. The pain was as if I had been stabbed, my face turned
grey and I was about to pass out when I shouted out Solara�s name. In that moment I felt a warm
hand touch my face and arm, the pain disappeared and I returned to normal. My wounds were
still present, but the bleeding had ceased.

honestly the book of miracles is wall-to-wall hilarity

# ? Jun 4, 2020 18:21

Necrothatcher: Mar 26, 2005

quote:

The incident with the sword was not a miracle as such. It was, however, a show of religious
courage and defiance. On one afternoon, around the time of Warriors Day in March, I was
angered by my girlfriends� stupidity.
Her ex-husband had tried to worm his way back into the scene. He invited her out whilst I was
meant to be asleep, I saw them from the window of the front bedroom. As they went out I could
only imagine what was happening.
When she returned, I thought I would play dumb for a while to catch her out. She came back
without the kids, that was where my plan took a rather unfortunate detour. �Where have you
been?� I asked. �And where are the kids?�
�We just went to the shops,� she began. �they�re outside with him.�
I immediately knew what I was meant to do, it was like a flash shot through my soul, it told me
what to do. I rushed upstairs warning her what I was about to do. She went outside and told her
ex-husband to go, but it was too late for that, I had already picked up the Samurai sword and was
at the door.
I unsheathed my sword and stepped outside, giving chase to the husband, I waved it around and
shouted at him. Then from nowhere, I heard others shouting at me, it was a neighbor who was
stood by her car. I threatened her, not with the sword, but with words. In essence, I warned her
not to get involved. She called the Police.
I spent two days in a cell and was at court on a Monday. Unbeknown to me, there were two
journalists taking notes in the viewing gallery. I was focused on getting out of the mess I had
created.
A few days had passed, when my girlfriend got a phone call from one of her friends. It was to tell
her that I was in the papers. I was in the Worcester News and the Pershore Gazette, at least I
think that�s what they were called.
The reason I publicize this is down largely to the fact it was Warriors Day and that was why I
carried the sword, but also to emphasize the fact that I had been given this opportunity to show
those ignorant people in Manchester what I was capable of. It served as a warning to all those
enemies I had back there. They thought me a coward, they thought me a fool, they were lucky
they didn�t have to deal with what I could have inflicted upon their miserable hinds.

https://www.worcesternews.co.uk/news/9588923.samurai-sword-used-to-threaten-girlfriends-ex/

# ? Jun 4, 2020 18:30

Xenocides: Jan 14, 2008; This world looks very scary....

Necrothatcher posted:

A touching story about getting drunk and losing yet another fight with your mum

He loses a lot of blood in these stories and I am hoping the fiction is about addressing the problem of child abuse in Solaran society. Covered in so much blood you can't see your face? Should I get an ambulance? Meh....maybe....maybe not.

# ? Jun 4, 2020 18:49

Dixville: Nov 4, 2008; I don't think!; Ham Wrangler

Necrothatcher posted:

https://www.worcesternews.co.uk/news/9588923.samurai-sword-used-to-threaten-girlfriends-ex/

"Not with the sword but with words" ohhh deep that seems like it should be on a freakin tshirt or someth

# ? Jun 4, 2020 19:04

Hammerite: Mar 9, 2007; And you don't remember what I said here, either, but it was pompous and stupid.; Jade Ear Joe

Necrothatcher posted:

https://www.worcesternews.co.uk/news/9588923.samurai-sword-used-to-threaten-girlfriends-ex/

what the gently caress is Warriors Day

I'm from the UK and I have never heard of this

google says it is a Canadian thing and falls in August, not March

# ? Jun 4, 2020 19:11

A Pack of Kobolds: Mar 23, 2007

Hammerite posted:

what the gently caress is Warriors Day

It's the day every year when you and your homies dress up like the Baseball Furies and get high and drink beers and watch a great movie. I have no idea what this dipshit thinks that it is, but that's what Warriors Day really is.

# ? Jun 4, 2020 19:29

damn horror queefs: Oct 14, 2005; say hello
say hello to the man in the elevator

Gets drunk, then beat up by his own mom.

Bets his girlfriend he has a 30-foot horizontal jump, proves it by bodyslamming his dog who bites the poo poo out of him

Gets cucked by his girlfriend with her ex husband, threatens him with a sword and then gets charged for it.

This guy is definitely some kind of reincarnation of Jesus or whatever. 100%

# ? Jun 4, 2020 19:38

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

I was wondering why the goddess he worships gets constantly owned all the time in his own holy book and now I realize he sees in her a kindred spirit

# ? Jun 4, 2020 19:44

Xenocides: Jan 14, 2008; This world looks very scary....

Mel Mudkiper posted:

I was wondering why the goddess he worships gets constantly owned all the time in his own holy book and now I realize he sees in her a kindred spirit

Now I want to believe this guy is Fight Man from the r/relationships thread.

# ? Jun 4, 2020 19:48

By popular demand: Jul 17, 2007; IT *BZZT* WASP ME--
IT WASP ME ALL *BZZT* ALONG!

drat horror queefs posted:

Gets drunk, then beat up by his own mom.

Bets his girlfriend he has a 30-foot horizontal jump, proves it by bodyslamming his dog who bites the poo poo out of him

Gets cucked by his girlfriend with her ex husband, threatens him with a sword and then gets charged for it.

This guy is definitely some kind of reincarnation of Jesus or whatever. 100%

Even my guys know that Jesus got some poo poo done, what has this idiot done? For anyone?

# ? Jun 4, 2020 19:54

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

I mean, what does it say about your goddess when she makes you her mortal vessel of her divine might and you arent even lifted to the level of subpar human

# ? Jun 4, 2020 20:01

Hammerite: Mar 9, 2007; And you don't remember what I said here, either, but it was pompous and stupid.; Jade Ear Joe

Ashley used High Jump Kick!

Ashley missed his target and crashed!

Kaiser used Bite!

It's super effective!

# ? Jun 4, 2020 20:12

Pigsfeet on Rye: Oct 22, 2008; I'm meat on the hoof

A Pack of Kobolds posted:

It's the day every year when you and your homies dress up like the Baseball Furies and get high and drink beers and watch a great movie. I have no idea what this dipshit thinks that it is, but that's what Warriors Day really is.

I admire the Furies for their devotion to appearance. Dressing up in greasepaint and a baseball uniform once yearly and smiting people would rock.

# ? Jun 4, 2020 20:19

Sailor Cat: Aug 28, 2019; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Necrothatcher posted:

A touching story about getting drunk and losing yet another fight with your mum

Pissed off mom ranks above drunk failson on the hierarchy

# ? Jun 4, 2020 20:34

SavageMessiah: Jan 28, 2009; Emotionally drained and spookified; Toilet Rascal

Sid Vicious posted:

Ashley my dude, come meet me at the circle k, I'll buy you a cookies and cream f'real shake, some Reese's cups, the big ones with Reese's pieces ijn em, we can have a chat, discuss what it is you're bothered by. Pick up the phone and give me a call, let's set this up. There will be no substitutions on flavor or variety of beverage and snack

If I show up at circle k instead will you buy me these things, sounds like a good time that only a COMPLETE IDIOT would pass up.

# ? Jun 4, 2020 22:07

Alien Sex Manual: Dec 14, 2010; is not a sandwich

Literally A Person posted:

One time a bunch of medical waste was dumped into the ocean off of Connecticut and then like 3 days later a bunch of syringes and stuff started washing up at the shore in New Jersey and they had to start driving these big steam rollers across the beach with rollers on them that left the message "BEWARE OF HYPODERMIC NEEDLES" in the sand.

What chapter of the Giardiniera is that from

# ? Jun 4, 2020 22:22

Hammerite: Mar 9, 2007; And you don't remember what I said here, either, but it was pompous and stupid.; Jade Ear Joe

for a sun worshipper he doesnt have much of a tan

# ? Jun 4, 2020 22:30

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# ? Apr 18, 2024 09:56

Xenocides: Jan 14, 2008; This world looks very scary....

Hammerite posted:

for a sun worshipper he doesnt have much of a tan

Melanoma is the wrath of the goddess. Would you risk it?

# ? Jun 4, 2020 23:34

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